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  1. - Top - End - #1
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    AssassinGuy

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    Default overly active gods

    Re-posted from here cuz its funny:

    Guard: STOP! THIEF!
    Theif: Help me out here, Olidamara!
    *Olidamara manifests beside the guard*
    Olidamara: Okay, this thief is under my protection, let him go or I'll smite you.
    Guard: But...but...I made a vow to St. Cuthbert that I'd never let a criminal get away for as long as I live!
    *Saint Cuthbert manifests on the other side of the guard*
    Cuthbert: That's right, and you better keep your promise-I'm lawful so I'm verrrrrry particular about promises!
    Thief: Running away now.
    *Nerull manifests so as to get in the way of the Thief's get away*
    Nerull: NO! You're not going anywhere! I know for a fact that Thievery is punishable by death in this town, and since I despise all life, even my own clerics-but I let them live as long as they keep killing people. By the way-CLERICS! ARE YOU STILL SACRIFICING ORPHANS IN MY NAME!?
    Clerics in the distance: *sob* Yes, lord Nerull, please don't kill us!
    Nerull: So anyway, If you run away, I'll smite you!
    Theif: But if I don't run away, I'll die anyway!
    Nerull: I know. I like see mortals squirm in hopelessness. AIN'T THAT RIGHT CLERICS!?
    Clerics: S-sir, yes sir, that's quite right! *cries* H-here comes another sacrifice, sir!
    Moradin: OI! That Orphan's a Dwarf! Hands off him, you fruity cultists!
    Corelian: Stupid Moradin, always trying to one-up me... Alright, St. Cuthbert, lay off the guard, he's a half-elf.
    Cuthbert: Oh, you never cared about half-breeds before, you just want don't want Moradin showing you off. You only really care about pure-blood elves.
    Garl Glittergold: What a second, that thief is a gnome!
    Fharlangh: HEY! You're all crowding up the roads! Move it!
    Pelor: Is that Sun Screen? HOW DARE YOU!
    Mayor: HELP US, ADVENTURERS! Our town is overrun by Gods that we can't all please them all!
    Player Character:......... I'm not sure if I should say "Gods dammit!" or "Dammit, gods!"
    Petition for the Giant to make more "The World" articles!

    He's a suave Amish cyborg who knows the secret of the alien invasion. She's a manipulative mute safe cracker with the power to see death. They fight crime!

    *facepalm*
    *facedesk*
    *facewall*



  2. - Top - End - #2
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    KIDS's Avatar

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    It's very fun! Not to mention that the described circus happens for real when DMs take "gods grant power" in their settings too seriously...
    There is no good and evil. There is only more and less.
    - Khorn'Tal
    -----------------------------------------
    Kalar Eshanti

  3. - Top - End - #3
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    PrGo's Avatar

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Mwahahahaha!! I haven't laughed this hard since my DM described burning villagers running around

    Thanks for posting it here

  4. - Top - End - #4
    Titan in the Playground
     
    AssassinGuy

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    The Greek Gods were all Chaotic Absent-Minded. Too bad Gygax didn't think to include that in the D&D alignment system.

  5. - Top - End - #5
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    RedWizardGuy

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    More like Chaotic Horny. "I'm going to go find some chicks who want to do it with a swan!"

    Edit: Chaotic Furry?
    Last edited by Tsotha-lanti; 2009-05-30 at 07:19 AM.

  6. - Top - End - #6
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    WolfInSheepsClothing

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    the word disgusting springs to mind.
    really, I think the pantheons in D&D are to harmonic, granting spells to their followers but not demanding them fight the followers of other gods
    check out my metal band: http://www.facebook.com/Dreamslain

    Wash: "Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right, we'd be in jail."

  7. - Top - End - #7
    Banned
     
    RedWizardGuy

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    That doesn't sound like the gods of Faerūn at all, to me. They're very active through their followers (when it's not the Time of Troubles...). Thing is, it's up to the DM just how active they are, and up to the DM to portray it.

  8. - Top - End - #8
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Istari's Avatar

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    ROTFLOL

    Great story!

  9. - Top - End - #9
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    V'icternus's Avatar

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Oh my...

    I've never seen Gods acting so hilariously before.

    I wonder if the God of peace would try and get the rest to calm down, only to be subdued by the god of general dietic violence...
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    author of Cursed, of Course, a fantasy webcomic, right here on the forum.

  10. - Top - End - #10
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    Zombie

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    That is why smart players remember that the DM is the true god. Even over Ao.

    That way this crap don't happen.

    Looks a bit like the Disney Hercules cartoon series being played out.

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    Ettin in the Playground
     
    SurlySeraph's Avatar

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Epic. Just epic. I particularly like Pelor's role.
    Quote Originally Posted by Thespianus View Post
    I fail to see how "No, that guy is too fat to be hurt by your fire" would make sense.

  12. - Top - End - #12
    Troll in the Playground
     
    RTGoodman's Avatar

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsotha-lanti View Post
    Edit: Chaotic Furry?
    I, uh... kinda want to Google that because I'm thinkin' that's the first time that phrase has ever been used in an alignment context, but I'm so afraid of what might actually appear if I did so...
    The Playgrounder Formerly Known as rtg0922

    Homebrew:
    • "Themes of Ansalon" - A 4E Dragonlance Supplement
    • Homebrew Compendium

  13. - Top - End - #13
    Titan in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsotha-lanti View Post
    More like Chaotic Horny. "I'm going to go find some chicks who want to do it with a swan!"

    Edit: Chaotic Furry?
    How about Chaotic Omnisexual?

  14. - Top - End - #14
    Firbolg in the Playground
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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsotha-lanti View Post
    More like Chaotic Horny. "I'm going to go find some chicks who want to do it with a swan!"

    Edit: Chaotic Furry?
    To be fair to the mortal ladies, whether they wanted to or not really didn't make any difference.

    Then of course you have to wonder... what was worse, Zeus forcing his affections on you in the form of [INSERT RANDOM ANIMAL AND/OR PHENOMENON HERE], or Hera getting all pissy about it afterward and taking it out on you?

    I've long since said that if you're a mortal, the last thing you want is for a Greek god to notice you. The best-case scenario is that you end up as a constellation. It's like being the title character in a Shakespearean play... you're going to get some attention, but in the end, you're really going to wish you hadn't.
    In the Beginning Was the Word, and the Word Was Suck: A Guide to Truenamers

    Quote Originally Posted by Doc Roc View Post
    Gentlefolk, learn from Zaq's example, and his suffering. Remember, seven out of eleven players who use truenamer lose their ability to taste ice cream.
    Come join the Iron Chef Optimization Challenge in the Playground E6 Appetizer Edition! We're currently judging for round 23. Everyone is welcome! Wanna be an instant authority? Just come judge, even if it's your first time!

    My compiled Iron Chef stuff!

  15. - Top - End - #15
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    DruidGuy

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsotha-lanti View Post
    More like Chaotic Horny. "I'm going to go find some chicks who want to do it with a swan!"
    Or goat. Or horse. Or bull.

    Etc.

  16. - Top - End - #16
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by Woodsman View Post
    Or goat. Or horse. Or bull.

    Etc.
    Or shower of molten gold.

  17. - Top - End - #17
    Titan in the Playground
     
    chiasaur11's Avatar

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by Zaq View Post
    To be fair to the mortal ladies, whether they wanted to or not really didn't make any difference.

    Then of course you have to wonder... what was worse, Zeus forcing his affections on you in the form of [INSERT RANDOM ANIMAL AND/OR PHENOMENON HERE], or Hera getting all pissy about it afterward and taking it out on you?

    I've long since said that if you're a mortal, the last thing you want is for a Greek god to notice you. The best-case scenario is that you end up as a constellation. It's like being the title character in a Shakespearean play... you're going to get some attention, but in the end, you're really going to wish you hadn't.
    Odysseus came out okay in the end.

    Mind, he went through ten years of hell, and in Dante's Inferno an eternity of it, but in the classic version, things came out all right in the end.
    Remember how I was wishing for the peace of oblivion a minute ago?

    Yeah. That hasn't exactly changed with more knowledge of the situation. -Security Chief Victor Jones, formerly of the UESC Marathon.

    X-Com avatar by BRC. He's good folks.

  18. - Top - End - #18
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Yeah, but nearly everyone he left with died.

  19. - Top - End - #19
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Starbuck_II's Avatar

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by Steward View Post
    Yeah, but nearly everyone he left with died.
    Red Shirts have to die or the hero might. Star Trek rule.

  20. - Top - End - #20
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by Zaq View Post
    I've long since said that if you're a mortal, the last thing you want is for a Greek god to notice you. The best-case scenario is that you end up as a constellation. It's like being the title character in a Shakespearean play... you're going to get some attention, but in the end, you're really going to wish you hadn't.
    (Words spoken between a young boy and a soldier to the background of a witchhunt in the Mouse quarter, Malaz City)

    "Is it true then?" Ganoes asked boldly.
    "Is what true?"
    "The First Sword of Empire. Dassem Ultor. We heard in the capital before we left. He's dead. Is it true? Is Dassem dead?"
    The man seemed to flinch, his gaze unwavering on the Mouse. "Such is war." he muttered, under his breath, as if the words were not meant for anyone else's ears.
    "You're with the Third. I thought the Third was with him, in Seven Cities. At Y'Ghatan..."
    "Hoods breath, they're still looking for his body in the still hot rubble of that damned city, and here you are, a merchant's son three thousand leagues from Seven Cities with information only a few are supposed to possess." He still did not turn. "I know not of your sources, but take my advice and keep what you know to yourself."
    Ganoes shrugged. "It's said he betrayed a god."
    Finally the man faced him. His face was scarred, and something that might have been a burn marred his jaw and left cheek. For all that, he looked young for a commander. "Heed the lesson there, son."
    "What lesson?"
    "Every decision you make can change the world. The best life is the one the gods don't notice. You want to live free, boy, live quietly."
    "I want to be a soldier. A hero."
    "You'll grow out of it."

    Excerpt from Gardens of the Moon, by Steven Erikson.

    I just thought it quite suitable for the discussion
    Boats are like nuts, the outside is hard but the inside is usually good to eat.


    And remember, things can always get worse.

  21. - Top - End - #21
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Forbiddenwar's Avatar

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by chiasaur11 View Post
    Odysseus came out okay in the end.

    Mind, he went through ten years of hell, and in Dante's Inferno an eternity of it, but in the classic version, things came out all right in the end.
    Yes he did quite fine after he was stabbed to death by his son and his body was cast into the sea.
    Last edited by Forbiddenwar; 2009-05-31 at 02:19 AM.

  22. - Top - End - #22
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    J.Gellert's Avatar

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Odysseus didn't spend 10 years of hell... His journeys actually sum up to 1 year or so. The man spent 9 years with that stunningly beautiful immortal sea nymph. Alone. On a tiny island. How bad could it have been?

    As for Telegonus, well... Homer didn't write that anyway.

  23. - Top - End - #23
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    SurlySeraph's Avatar

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by Steward View Post
    Yeah, but nearly everyone he left with died.
    Fixed.postlength
    Quote Originally Posted by Thespianus View Post
    I fail to see how "No, that guy is too fat to be hurt by your fire" would make sense.

  24. - Top - End - #24
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Devil

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    I remember reading a thread somewhere on how to create a believable fantasy story. One suggestion put forth was that a world with spellcasting should contain either (a) an explanation for why wizards don't rule the world or (b) a coalition of wizards who damn well rule the friggin' world.

    If a setting has gods who function essentially as super-powerful wizards, their non-rule is potentially even more problematic than that of mortal spellcasters, for the same reasons.

    There are many possible explanations for why gods, wizards, and/or sufficiently advanced aliens might not render a non-superhuman protagonist's decisions irrelevant. Probably the most plausible is that while they are far more powerful than individual humans and do rule, they don't have anything like the ability to micromanage everything directly, and will only intervene in the most important of cases.

    If Olidammara has thousands of thieves pestering him at any given time, he can't give all of them his personal attention. In addition, he has interests other than bailing out your lame mortal ass when you get in over your head. Heck, "To avoid being punished for something, don't get caught doing it" is probably one of his teachings. Not his fault if you can't follow such simple advice.
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    Titan in the Playground
     
    chiasaur11's Avatar

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by Firkraag View Post
    Odysseus didn't spend 10 years of hell... His journeys actually sum up to 1 year or so. The man spent 9 years with that stunningly beautiful immortal sea nymph. Alone. On a tiny island. How bad could it have been?

    As for Telegonus, well... Homer didn't write that anyway.
    Heh. Forgot that bit due to thinking of Christopher Bird's Odysseus Doctor Strange team up plot at mightygodking. Agreed on the Telegonus bit, by the way. Odysseus is one of the few greek myth guys to be actually tactical and manage to piss off gods and get away with it. Having him star in "Foolish mortals try to defy prophecies of their sons killing them part LXXVIII: This time it's personal" just plays wrong.
    Remember how I was wishing for the peace of oblivion a minute ago?

    Yeah. That hasn't exactly changed with more knowledge of the situation. -Security Chief Victor Jones, formerly of the UESC Marathon.

    X-Com avatar by BRC. He's good folks.

  26. - Top - End - #26
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    dspeyer's Avatar

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by Firkraag View Post
    Odysseus didn't spend 10 years of hell... His journeys actually sum up to 1 year or so. The man spent 9 years with that stunningly beautiful immortal sea nymph. Alone. On a tiny island. How bad could it have been?
    Odysseus ... was on the sea-shore as usual, looking out upon the barren ocean with tears in his eyes, groaning and breaking his heart for sorrow.

    [ Odysseus was] sitting upon the beach with his eyes ever filled with tears, and dying of sheer home-sickness; for he had got tired of Calypso, and though he was forced to sleep with her in the cave by night, it was she, not he, that would have it so. As for the day time, he spent it on the rocks and on the sea-shore, weeping, crying aloud for his despair, and always looking out upon the sea.

    Both from book 5 of the Odyssey.

  27. - Top - End - #27
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    AssassinGuy

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by PrGo View Post
    Mwahahahaha!! I haven't laughed this hard since my DM described burning villagers running around

    Thanks for posting it here
    I think Pelor (or somebody at least) is about create some burning villagers to run around......


    Quote Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
    The Greek Gods were all Chaotic Absent-Minded. Too bad Gygax didn't think to include that in the D&D alignment system.
    *reads the 15+ subsequent posts about Greek mythology* ....and some ripples create big waves.

    Chaos theory or Murphy's law? YOU DECIDE!
    Petition for the Giant to make more "The World" articles!

    He's a suave Amish cyborg who knows the secret of the alien invasion. She's a manipulative mute safe cracker with the power to see death. They fight crime!

    *facepalm*
    *facedesk*
    *facewall*



  28. - Top - End - #28
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by SurlySeraph View Post
    Fixed.postlength
    Yeah, what kind of Hero is that?

    SUPERMAN: The laser vaporized the entire planet. No survivors.
    BATMAN: Did you capture Luthor?
    SUPERMAN: That was my job!? Shoot!

  29. - Top - End - #29
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    DamnedIrishman's Avatar

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    Quote Originally Posted by dspeyer View Post
    Odysseus ... was on the sea-shore as usual, looking out upon the barren ocean with tears in his eyes, groaning and breaking his heart for sorrow.

    [ Odysseus was] sitting upon the beach with his eyes ever filled with tears, and dying of sheer home-sickness; for he had got tired of Calypso, and though he was forced to sleep with her in the cave by night, it was she, not he, that would have it so. As for the day time, he spent it on the rocks and on the sea-shore, weeping, crying aloud for his despair, and always looking out upon the sea.

    Both from book 5 of the Odyssey.
    Yes, well I'd say that too if I got home and found out my wife had been waiting for me for the past ten twenty years.

    According to Hesiod, Calypso bore Odysseus two children: Nausithous and Nausinous.
    Bow-chicka-wow-wow.
    Last edited by DamnedIrishman; 2009-06-01 at 08:05 AM.
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    Avatar, with thanks to the wondrous Ink. Steampunk avatar by the talented KingGolem. xkcd avatar by the fantabulous happyturtle

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  30. - Top - End - #30
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Devil

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    Default Re: overly active gods

    The Greek gods certainly tended to act like... well, about like I'd expect mortals to act if given godlike power. But they hardly all had exactly the same character.

    Hestia seems pretty much Good. Ares really was Chaotic Evil. Hades, on the other hand, wasn't especially bad. Zeus and Aphrodite were not Chaotic Good; they were self-serving hedonists.

    Others I'm not so sure about. To complicate matters, the character of any god probably significantly depends on which bodies of myth you look at. The most direct interpretation of this is probably that the gods changed in personality over time. (What, you think being immortal means staying the same forever?)
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