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  1. - Top - End - #211
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Zain's Avatar

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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Just a quick question before jumping in, after critiquing 3 works, Are web comic pages appropriate submissions? I've been thinking of writing a webcomic at some point, and I'm wondering if you guys would be willing to critique it.
    Avatar by Elder Tsofu

  2. - Top - End - #212
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Lord Raziere's Avatar

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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Nope, you go to the Fan Comics subforum for that, I think we only do written work.

  3. - Top - End - #213
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    GreenSorcererElf

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    frown Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Yeah, Lord R is right. Written work only, sorry.

    Still feel free to critique even if you don't intend to post stories, though. I used to do that.
    Last edited by Zolkabro; 2011-06-04 at 02:30 PM.

  4. - Top - End - #214
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Raziere View Post
    Nope, you go to the Fan Comics subforum for that, I think we only do written work.
    Right, I'll inquire there then

    Thank you
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    You might want to try this thread.


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  6. - Top - End - #216
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    Lightbulb Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Critique of Zolkabro's A Day in the Life of a Library Book
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    A book's life, with Toy Story laws of physics and ugly duckling subtext. I liked it, perhaps because one can apply whatever stigma they want to 'the shame' of doodles. I particularly enjoyed reading between the lines for the phrase, "I was young, naive. That was before the doodling."

    You reinforce that all the other books are mean about the doodles, but you never give the main character any reason to not be ashamed of them. The doodle plot-line features prominently, but you don’t go anywhere with it, character-wise.

    The phrase, "He read me once, and loved me. He read me countless times, which was very flattering." does not contradict itself, but 'flattering' is an adjective, not an action word so it is a little clunky following 'loved' which is an action word.

    “the pictures drawn around my blurb.” is very clever. It’s definitely the high point of the story for me. I can see how a specific word count would be difficult to achieve while still maintaining the narrative you want, overall I think you did fine.
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  7. - Top - End - #217
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
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    biggrin Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by Asthix View Post
    Critique of Zolkabro's A Day in the Life of a Library Book
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    A book's life, with Toy Story laws of physics and ugly duckling subtext. I liked it, perhaps because one can apply whatever stigma they want to 'the shame' of doodles. I particularly enjoyed reading between the lines for the phrase, "I was young, naive. That was before the doodling."

    You reinforce that all the other books are mean about the doodles, but you never give the main character any reason to not be ashamed of them. The doodle plot-line features prominently, but you don’t go anywhere with it, character-wise.

    The phrase, "He read me once, and loved me. He read me countless times, which was very flattering." does not contradict itself, but 'flattering' is an adjective, not an action word so it is a little clunky following 'loved' which is an action word.

    “the pictures drawn around my blurb.” is very clever. It’s definitely the high point of the story for me. I can see how a specific word count would be difficult to achieve while still maintaining the narrative you want, overall I think you did fine.
    Yay, first critique!

    Thanks for the feedback, I'm glad you liked it.
    I get what you mean with the bit about me not going anywhere with the plot, but I decided that with such a small word-count I shouldn't have a major plotline.

    Also, to fix the other problem, would "which flattered me very much" work instead?

  8. - Top - End - #218
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Critique of Exalted: Crashing Wave by Lord Raziere

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    I liked your imagery a lot, your descriptions about points some would find meaningless really enhances the feel of the story. However, the problem is that you write in 3rd person, but it follows the character in a way that would suggest 1st person, leading to an unclear narration. I understand that you are using a limited viewpoint, but the story follows the main character's thoughts so closely that you should probably just use 1st person from the start. Then the battle has some narration problems
    She launched her attack, leaping through the air, foot extended, probably to kick his skull to pieces, he closed his eyes and stabbed forward, not fearing death.
    Then suddenly he felt a rush of power, like the currents of the sea, roar of the waterfall, the rush of the river.
    Like a crashing wave.
    Then he heard a pained scream.
    The first sentence here is a run-on. At least separate his and her actions. Also, you haven't really given him a reason to not fear death. He would certainly fear death and the end of what he has worked so hard on. The next sentence is missing some articles to really connect the sentence and not just leave disjointed phrases. Even then it might be a little too long. The next two sentences come off as choppy, and the last sentence is too lucid for following such a flow of emotion as the preceding two sentences.

    One problem I'm noticing consistanly in your piece is that you seem to be short on articles, which usually indicates that english isn't your first language. I apologize if that isn't the case. it can be oft-putting to those reading if you are missing some of the articles as it disrupts the flow of the sentence. Be careful of where you place your modifiers, they should usually be before the word they are modifying. Such as "...chomped down on his torso whole" putting whole before torso would make the whole phrase flow better. Also, be careful what you have people saying versus what is narrated. If a fact is known by both parties in the conversation, then there is no reason to say it aloud. Such as the fact that Dancing Stone Across Water is the local Guild leader.

    You have a tendency to use short sharp phrases or sentences in a row, which often leads to uncomfortable reading as well as run-on sentence. Use more prepositional phrases and less parallel clauses and your writing will flow much better. Reading your story aloud (actually aloud) is also a good way to improve the flow of your prose.
    “How else,” Sanalos turned back around to Dancing Stone. “Did you think I killed your assassin? Such pitiful mortal measures are no match against me!”
    You also seem to have a few problems with spoken sentences interrupted by narration. The part I selected is a good example of interrupting a spoken sentence before it is finished and leaving a fragment. It should probably be punctuated like this.
    “How else,” Sanalos turned back around to Dancing Stone, “did you think I killed your assassin? Such pitiful mortal measures are no match against me!”
    I like your story, and I really like how you aren't afraid to flesh out small details that most others would skip. I hope my comments help!


    I wanted to review something, and this seemed like the only story I could really dig my teeth into that wasn't almost a year old. As for the library book, it was a little short to really give you much advice, and the prose was fine.
    Last edited by Omeganaut; 2011-06-07 at 08:51 PM.
    I have returned, and plan on focusing on world-building. Issues are being dealt with.

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  9. - Top - End - #219
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    'kay, thanks....though english IS my first language.....I'm working on rewrite of that in first person.....or was.....at some point....a few months ago....or something...but I have so many projects.

  10. - Top - End - #220
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Huh. At first I dropped by just because I had some causticness to burn off. Found I was much more easy on internet people than my friends (I've been known to go in line by line, so if you wanna get a real treatment, PM me special and I'll nitpick to hell and back.)

    Anyway, I might put up some real work, but it won't count as a 'free story,' so some other playgrounder can have at it.

    Meantimes, I'll... think of something.

  11. - Top - End - #221
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Wow. This looks great... I'll definitely be using this thread. *Bookmark*.
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  12. - Top - End - #222
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
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    Lightbulb Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by Zolkabro View Post
    Yay, first critique!

    Thanks for the feedback, I'm glad you liked it.
    I get what you mean with the bit about me not going anywhere with the plot, but I decided that with such a small word-count I shouldn't have a major plotline.

    Also, to fix the other problem, would "which flattered me very much" work instead?
    It's not that you don't go anywhere with the plot, the ending worked well in a 'where are we going next, it's up to you!' sort of way. There's just no counterpoint to the peer pressure of 'doodling is wrong.' Really this is more of a subjective critique than an objective one.

    'which flattered me very much' seems like a good change which doesn't feel clunky. Since, 'He read me once, he read me countless times' is already its own literary device, you want everything else in the sentence to flow.
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  13. - Top - End - #223
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Blame caffeine, and no tab makes me said.:

    Edit: Part 1.

    This is the story of how I fell in love with the President’s wife.


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    ------It was a party, but I was standing on the apartment’s balcony, watching the late night traffic pass by.

    ------I turned my head when I heard the glass door slide open, but kept her only in my peripheral vision. By the time she joined me at the rail, I was looking straight ahead again.

    ------“I suppose you didn’t like it in there?” she said, and I heard the small tink of a Zippo opening.

    ------“Nope,” I said as a waft of tobacco touched my nose, “just needed a breath of fresh air.”

    ------She snorted, but not derisively. Simply amused. “You’ve been out here for at least twenty minutes. And it’s cold.”

    ------I glanced at her. She was wearing an elegant, shoulders to heels evening gown, but her arms were bare. “It’s not that cold for me,” I said. She had a pleasant profile, and I could see her gaze was focused somewhere well beyond the building across the street.

    ------“Uhuh.” She placed the cigarette in the ashtray. “It’s okay if you say you don’t like them though. I don’t like a lot of them either.”

    ------I just smiled back, not quite sure of what to say. “Maybe I like the silence.”

    ------She pushed back her hair, either very simply done up or very elaborately made to seem so, and turned to face the party inside. A man facing the glass guffawed hugely, but we couldn’t hear him.

    ------“You live here then,” she said, pointing over her shoulder with her thumb.

    ------“Yeah, my place is a bit smaller, but I do live in the Zoo.”

    ------“You a native then? Is that what they call it?”

    ------I shrugged, “No to the first, and no to the second as well, I’m pretty sure. You’re not a local yourself then?”

    ------“Neg,” she said, and then we lapsed into silence for a moment while she picked her smoke back up for a few more puffs.

    ------“So,” she said, “if you don’t like the party, don’t like the crowd, what are you doing here? You know the host, I’ll bet.”

    ------“Nope, good friends with our esteemed guest of honor.”

    ------“Reeeally,” she said, with a playful hint of doubt, but before this could be explained the air was interrupted by the sound of the door sliding open once again.

    ------Propelled outwards by the sudden noise of chattering and laughter and music was a man, slightly red in the face, but smiling wide. The buttons on his expensive jacket were all open, and the top few on his dress shirt as well. The tie I’d seen him with earlier was gone as well. He wrapped his arm around my interlocutor, who leaned into him as he gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Hey baby! How’s it going?!” He caught my gaze and gave me a wink. “I see you met Toby.”

    ------“Hey there Menezes.”

    ------“We actually hadn’t gotten to names.”

    ------“Oh. Maeve, this is Toby, Toby, Maeve. Maeve, we went to high school together. Toby, we’re… hugging,” he laughed, she smiled, I nodded. “Toby here writes now, and Maeve here… she’s still hugging me,” she elbowed him in the side, gently. “Okay, she’s pretty,” this got him another elbow in the side, but then she started laughing. “Actually, she does mathy things at a university. You know, no one calls me Menezes anymore, ‘cept on the news. I always introduce myself ‘you call me Matthew’ firm handshake.” He waved his hand up and down, causing the ice within the glass held therein to rattle audibly.

    ------“Oh? Should I go to Matt then?”

    ------“Nah, nah, I like it. Throw back to high school, you know? So,” his face took on that look I knew of old, even if it was framed by a new, expensive hair cut. It was his trying to sober up face. “So. How are you two doing?”

    ------“We were doing fine.”

    ------“Yeah, fine.”

    ------He nodded solemnly. “Okay, next question. Should I go back in there? Or am I too drunk?”

    ------“You seem okay honey,” said the woman, Maeve, “but I think you should leave this with me.” She neatly took the glass from his fingers and set it on the railing.

    ------“That’s probably smart. Toby? What do you think?”

    ------I turned to size up the crowd. “I think you’ll fit into the flow nicely, shouldn’t be a problem.”

    ------“Excellent! Campaign donations for everybody! Toby, stay here and keep Maeve company. She doesn’t like these parties.” Maeve laughed, and pushed him through the door with a quick pat on the butt.

    ------I picked up the glass and sniffed it. “Straight vodka on the rocks. I swear. That man hasn’t changed one whit.”

    ------Maeve pointed after him. “So he’s always been like that then?”

    ------“Head Boy, Thomas Jefferson High School, Class of ‘08.”

    ------“Of course.”

    ------“He’s a great guy.”

    ------“Yeah. You’re a writer, huh?”

    ------“Not exactly big time. Some stuff.” I shrugged. “I can pay the bills at least. And you, you did, uh, mathy stuff?”

    ------“Ha. Yeah, teach and research physics at Berkley. It’s summer break now, so I can go on tour.”

    ------“Mathy stuff.” I wiggled my fingers at her.

    ------“Liberal arts major.”

    ------“Fair enough.”
    Last edited by The_JJ; 2011-06-08 at 05:50 PM.

  14. - Top - End - #224
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Critique of: This is the story of how I fell in love with the President’s wife.
    , by The_JJ

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    In the beginning, you used "I" a little too much, as it appears something like six times in only three short paragraphs. After that, it just disappears, which may or may not be an issue, as I forgot that it was first person. However, that's easy to fix.

    Also, in some of the longer stretches of dialogue, I lost track of who was talking to who. A good thing to do is to place dialogue tags every four paragraphs, and then add description. Example: "What on earth do you mean?" He choked on his martini. "That's... impossible!" That's also rather easy to fix.

    I do also wonder: is this part of a longer story? The ending seemed a little abrupt. The whole story didn't seem to conclude. Perhaps a short epilogue should be added?

    All in all, though, several good things: Grammar. VERY good grammar. Dialogue is engaging, but snappy. Characterization is good. Just fix a few small things, maybe add an epilogue, returning to that first person narration, and that might make it even better.
    James/TheDoge Avatar by Ceika!

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    *snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
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  15. - Top - End - #225
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    GreenSorcererElf

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    biggrin Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Roster updated.

    I agree with Sam about your story, JJ.

    Two of the 8 free story slots taken. 6 more to go!

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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    On the web comic issue, a SCRIPT would be okay, methinks.
    Writer, editor. See my works at http://theleakingpen.net

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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Wait... free slots? Still? That means I can post one now?
    James/TheDoge Avatar by Ceika!

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    *snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
    I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.

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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    The Vision
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    An ordinary man, overworked and underpaid, finally vents a scream of frustration. In accordance with all laws of physics, it echoed in much the same way that concrete floats. When the screams are eventually understandable, they convey a message similar to this. "Oh holy one, please save me from this dreary existence. Bless me as you blessed so many others in the past. Save me from being a pig among farmers! Bring back the happiness of youth!"

    Because everyone else left the office trying to avoid another employee gone postal, no one is around to witness what comes next. The man starts hearing a hum just on the edge of his hearing. Then a voice, strong as any announcer and more forceful than a dictator, resounds in his ears. “I hear thee and grant thy wish. Thou shalt be my chosen one. Rid me of those who would besmirch my name. Convert those who are righteous and kind. Speak to their hopes and not their fears. Avoid being one of those who say they stand for me while besmirching my name for greed. Ignore those who belittle us and prove thy devotion. Believe in me, and thou shall be blessed for all eternity, and the world will be joyous again."

    Then, to give a sign to the new prophet, a well of warmth opened up in his heart. He could actually feel the burden of modern life lifting off of his shoulders. With this blessing and his own newfound strength, the prophet set out to the streets to fulfill his Lord's vision, leaving his disbelieving and painful job behind. He stopped spending time with friends, as they mocked his new mission, and his family only complained about not having money, a sure sign of greed. Soon he was without a home, but his joy supported him, and helped him experience the beauty of creation as never before.

    Of course he did not forget his goals, and set out to convert everyone he could find. He talked to the rich as they took a rare walk outside their offices and their vehicles. He talked to the poor and homeless about eternal love and bliss in the afterlife. He labored to help those who help others, despite their motivations. And above all, he actively ignored every negative comment hurled his way by naysayers. None could pierce his armor of love and warmth. Although he had a most difficult time, his devotion eventually was rewarded. A woman on the street actually listened to him while she walked to lunch. She hands him a business card, and while she is far too busy today she would love him to visit her at work tomorrow.

    The next day, after locating the address, the man finds himself outside a large white building that has a cheerful sign proclaiming it to be the ‘Happy Acres Home’. Such a sign could only indicate his message would find kind ears in here. He enters, and introduces himself to the kind lady behind the desk in the first room. She is expecting him, and asks him to wait in a soft, white room. Soon after enters a mean male nurse who keeps asking him pointless questions about material matters that are not relevant to the holy message. The prophet knew better than to sink to his level, and turned aside the questions in favor of talking to the woman he had met yesterday. The nurse angrily left, and soon after the nice lady came in. She brought with her a nice warm jacket, which was the same pure white as her coat and the walls of the room. The prophet was glad to have it, due to it being slightly chilly in the room. She began asking him about his religion, and the prophet proudly told her of the spiritual message he had received and that he wished to spread to the world. After an hour the lady stops writing on her clipboard, and solemnly agrees to head out to share the word of his Lord.

    Soon he settles into the comfy jacket with the long sleeves wrapped around him as if hugging him, and begins to nap. He dreams of the divine message the world is about be improved by. He hopes that he can stay in the room; it is very soft and will protect him from any injuries the jealous may inflict. "Ahhh," sighs the patient, "it is good to have such a safe place to sleep in. I wonder how long I can stay here?"


    Critique of JJ's How I Fell in Love with the President’s Wife.
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    I like how you develop the plot by using conversations, and yet keep good description in small pieces. I am envious at how easily you put narrative into conversation without it feeling clunky of forced.
    I always introduce myself ‘you call me Matthew’ firm handshake.”
    This sentence is the first that seemed off to me. I would say it could use a few more words, which would look something like this
    I always introduce myself with a ‘you call me Matthew’ firm handshake.”
    Next problem I found is harder to give a firm solution to.
    his face took on that look I knew of old, even if it was framed by a new, expensive hair cut.
    The first phrase is just too long and uncomfortable. maybe more like "His face took on an old look I knew." However, that's only two small problems in a great work, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I can't wait to read more, and see the story live up to the title.
    Last edited by Omeganaut; 2011-06-08 at 02:57 PM.
    I have returned, and plan on focusing on world-building. Issues are being dealt with.

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  19. - Top - End - #229
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    GreenSorcererElf

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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by SamBurke View Post
    Wait... free slots? Still? That means I can post one now?
    You can indeed. When I ressurected the thread, I decided that we should restart the thing we did at the beginning, where we had 8 free stories to start us off.

    On second thoughts, though, I think 8 is overkill seeing as we have the previous stories to work with. So I am reducing it to 6.

    3 of them are now gone, 3 more left. After that you must post 3 critiques before posting a story as usual.

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    BlueKnightGuy

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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Ahh, very cool, thanks for reviving the thread! I got busy with school, although at the time there wasn't any new stories or critiques to update with. Anyway, I'll update the first page roster when I get a chance. And I agree with the reset of having a few fresh "free" stories to get things going again.
    I have my own TV show featuring local musicians performing live. YouTube page with full episodes and outtake clips here.
    I also have another YouTube page with local live music clips I've filmed on my own.
    Then there is my gaming YouTube page with Kerbal Space Program, Minecraft, and others.
    Finally, I stream on Twitch, mostly Kerbal Space Program and Minecraft.

  21. - Top - End - #231
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Three free slots left? Excellent, then I'll post a poem I threw together for a graduation party this upcoming Thursday. 'cause it's crunch time and I need feedback.

    From absent friends
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    A shining glimpse of golden locks, a mind that's like a puzzle box
    Bright smile that illumes the space, a lovely person's lovely face,
    And simple wit--a key--unlocks
    A laugh as delicate as lace.

    Though far too long I've been away, I have returned, for I must say
    "Not all good things must ever end; it's been a gift to be your friend
    Through famine, feast, through tame and wild."
    The only gift I have this day;
    The only letter I can send to celebrate your life-path's bend
    A thank-you note for moments whiled: a poem from an absent child.
    "Once upon a time, a story was never finished..."

  22. - Top - End - #232
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Kallisti's "From Absent Friends"
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    I like this a lot. The pacing in the second paragraph was a little bit off somehow in my mind, I don't know if I was reading it with the wrong inflection or what. The first line, perhaps, could have a few of the words switched around ("Must I say" instead of "I must say"), if you wanted. It's not really that bad, just something I like in poetry.

    Good job, though. Tell us how that goes!
    Last edited by SamBurke; 2011-06-13 at 10:39 PM.
    James/TheDoge Avatar by Ceika!

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    Quote Originally Posted by TravelLog View Post
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    *snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
    I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.

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  23. - Top - End - #233
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by SamBurke View Post
    Kallisti's "From Absent Friends"
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    I like this a lot. The pacing in the second paragraph was a little bit off somehow in my mind, I don't know if I was reading it with the wrong inflection or what. The first line, perhaps, could have a few of the words switched around ("Must I say" instead of "I must say"), if you wanted. It's not really that bad, just something I like in poetry.

    Good job, though. Tell us how that goes!
    "Must I say" doesn't really work in my mind, since that implies "must I?" As in "do I have to?"

    But yeah, I know the pacing is...off. It's supposed to be in antispastic ode meter, which is...not easy.

    Supposedly, with stressed syllables italicized, the second paragraph should go

    Though far too long I've been away, I have returned, for I must say
    "Not all good things must ever end; it's been a gift to be your friend
    Through famine, feast, through tame and wild."
    The only gift I have this day;
    The only letter I can send to celebrate your life-path's bend
    A thank-you note for moments whiled: a poem from an absent child.

    In some places the stresses feel off. Any suggestions?
    "Once upon a time, a story was never finished..."

  24. - Top - End - #234
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Oh, yeah, said that way it sounds great. I was mispronouncing it...

    The fourth and fifth lines are the only lines I'd worry about re-working.

    Is it going to be read, or are you going to read it at the graduation?
    Last edited by SamBurke; 2011-06-13 at 11:04 PM.
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  25. - Top - End - #235
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by SamBurke View Post
    Oh, yeah, said that way it sounds great. I was mispronouncing it...

    The fourth and fifth lines are the only lines I'd worry about re-working.

    Is it going to be read, or are you going to read it at the graduation?
    I'm inscribing it (in my hideous chicken-scratch) on the inside cover of a copy of Oh, the places you'll go. I'm guessing my friends are going to make me read it to them, but it's not going to be read at the ceremony or any such.

    By fourth and fifth do you mean the fourth and fifth of the second paragraph, or the fourth and fifth of the poem as a whole?
    "Once upon a time, a story was never finished..."

  26. - Top - End - #236
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Second paragraph.
    James/TheDoge Avatar by Ceika!

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    I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.

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  27. - Top - End - #237
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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Critique of The Vision, by Omeganaut
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    Quote Originally Posted by Omeganaut View Post
    In accordance with all laws of physics, it echoed in much the same way that concrete floats.
    I'm a little confused here. You're saying that, in accordance with the laws of physics, it utterly failed to echo? This is a bit of an odd metaphor, so you probably ought to expand on it in the next sentence--explain why there's no echo immediately.

    Quote Originally Posted by Omeganaut View Post
    When the screams are eventually understandable, they convey a message similar to this. "Oh holy one, please save me from this dreary existence. Bless me as you blessed so many others in the past. Save me from being a pig among farmers! Bring back the happiness of youth!"
    I like "a pig among farmers," kind of. It's an interesting metaphor, and I like the sound of it, but I'm not entirely clear on what you mean by it.

    Also, if it's "a message similar to this," shouldn't you use a colon instead of a period, since the "Oh holy one" etc isn't a separate thought?

    Also also, I'd use 'intelligible' or 'comprehensible' in place of 'understandable', since understandable isn't usually used for when you can understand what someone's doing so much as it is for when you can understand why they're doing it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Omeganaut View Post
    Believe in me, and thou shall be blessed for all eternity, and the world will be joyous again.
    I think it's "thou shalt be blessed," but I could be wrong. If I am wrong, ignore me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Omeganaut View Post
    Soon after enters a mean male nurse who keeps asking him pointless questions about material matters that are not relevant to the holy message.
    "Mean" is a very casual word; it's kind of at odds with the tone of the rest of the passage. I might use 'cruel', 'heartless', or 'unkind'. Especially since it was a kind lady behind the desk and not a nice lady. But even though you go on to use 'nice lady', I'd still change 'mean' out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Omeganaut View Post
    The prophet was glad to have it, due to it being slightly chilly in the room.
    I'd say 'as it was' or the like in place of 'due to it being'. 'Due to it being' is just an awkward turn of phrase.

    Quote Originally Posted by Omeganaut View Post
    He dreams of the divine message the world is about be improved by.
    "About to be improved by" is an awkward turn of phrase. It could just be "the divine message about to improve the world." Active voice and all that rot.

    I liked it very much. It was funny on the surface, but afterwards it leaves you with that little chill up your spine that I very much enjoy. The wording is a little awkward in some places, and the Divine speech in Ye Olde Medieval English feels a little stilted, but overall it was very good. You paced it very well and the ending was perfect.


    EDIT: Line 4 switch out "today" for "this day" to make the stresses feel more natural and I'm content with it.

    Line 5 is giving me trouble, though. "The only letter I can send" sounds silly, but it needs to rhyme with "to celebrate your life-path's bend," which I like. "The only charm that I may wend?" "My parting I must seek to mend?" Actually, I rather like that one. "My parting I must seek to mend and celebrate your life-path's bend." But then it doesn't flow properly into the last line.
    Last edited by Kallisti; 2011-06-13 at 11:45 PM.
    "Once upon a time, a story was never finished..."

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    GreenSorcererElf

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    biggrin Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Critique of From Absent Friends
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kallisti View Post
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    A shining glimpse of golden locks, a mind that's like a puzzle box
    Bright smile that illumes the space, a lovely person's lovely face,
    And simple wit--a key--unlocks
    A laugh as delicate as lace.

    Though far too long I've been away, I have returned, for I must say
    "Not all good things must ever end; it's been a gift to be your friend
    Through famine, feast, through tame and wild."
    The only gift I have this day;
    The only letter I can send to celebrate your life-path's bend
    A thank-you note for moments whiled: a poem from an absent child.
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    The pacing in this is brilliant, I think it flows very well.
    I think "I must" say sounds better that "must I", and I don't know if i am just reading it differently from the others, but I find the 4th and 5th lines of the 2nd paragraph to have just as good pacing as the rest, and the rest is great!
    (EDIT: Just realised that that is because you already changed it. I think "this day" is better than "today". On the 5th line, I think it is better as it is than the suggested changes. Keep it as the original in my opinion.)
    I also like the way that the rhymes are there, but they don't seem like an integral part of the poem. It sometimes annoys me when poems are full of rhymes that aren't actually necessary, and sacrifice the flow to get them. This does not have this problem, however, which is excellent.
    I always like to add something to improve, but I'm not sure what!
    Last edited by Zolkabro; 2011-06-14 at 01:27 AM.

  29. - Top - End - #239
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    smile Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by Jimor View Post
    Ahh, very cool, thanks for reviving the thread! I got busy with school, although at the time there wasn't any new stories or critiques to update with. Anyway, I'll update the first page roster when I get a chance. And I agree with the reset of having a few fresh "free" stories to get things going again.
    No, that you for starting the thread!
    While you updating the roster would be good, I've been updating it myself in your absence, so if you are too busy just add a link in your roster post to my roster post, and I will continue adding things to the roster.
    Speaking of which, I better update it when I get back from school this afternoon...
    Last edited by Zolkabro; 2011-06-14 at 01:32 AM.

  30. - Top - End - #240
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    RedKnightGirl

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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Sure, I'll give this a whirl...

    Critique of Life of a Library Book by Zolkabro

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    My biggest criticism about this story would be that a lot of the very short length is taken up telling us things we would have thought of ourselves the moment we hear the title. "Oh, Life of a Library Book, huh? I bet it spends its time sitting on a shelf, wondering who's going to check it out next, complaining about the librarians." And that's most of the story right there. I think all of the expected parts could be dropped in favor of strengthening the doodling plot. You talk a lot about how other books/people react to her doodles, but how does this book feel about having been doodled in? Is she ashamed? Does she feel violated, or merely embarrassed? Does she secretly love her doodles because they mean that she was loved for a time, something those other books can't claim? I don't really get much of a feeling for who she is and why we should be listening to her story instead of the one from the book next to her.

    Then, the ending doesn't give us any resolution because it doesn't actually tell us why it happened that way. We know this woman chose a doodled copy over a non-doodled copy of the same title, but there's no hint of a reason. If you've established that doodling is generally seen as bad, there should be some purpose behind that one woman overcoming that belief. Otherwise, it's just a random occurrence. I fully expected, while reading it, for the woman to end up having been the 8-year-old girl, now grown up and looking for HER copy of the book that she had loved but her parents donated to the library. That would have brought the ending to a true resolution and given us a point: We love who we love, looks aside.

    The Ugly Duckling works as a story because we learn that the ducks were wrong all along; they didn't understand what they were seeing. We get that Aha! moment that explains it all. This story doesn't have that, because at the end, we learn that some people don't mind doodled books...and? So what? The only time anyone actively snickers at the book is when she's already been selected, so it seems like the moral here is, "Even if one person gets past your looks, it will still continue to haunt you. Sucks to be ugly." If The Ugly Duckling was being written like this, it would have ended with, "And then the duck grew up to be a seriously ugly adult duck, but sometimes it got fed by parkgoers anyway."

    On a more concrete note, you never mention what sort of books would be given to an 8-year-old girl and still checked out by an adult. Also, I would add a second line space between paragraphs when posting it online, otherwise it becomes a Wall of Text.
    Congratulations, you can link to TV Tropes. This does not mean you have special insight into the storytelling process, much less the author's mind. Stories don't need to fit into neat boxes, you know.
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    Spod has it right.
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    You not reading the comic isn't going to make this comic any less awesome for all the rest of us.

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