(any) funniest lines

[thefinalbattle]

what are some of the funniest lines you've heard or said in a role-playing game? post them here.

[subject42]

Before he got a cushy government job, our roleplaying group had a fellow who played a "charming" bard who made a very bad first impression on the local captain of the watch. From that point on the captain had a massive hate-boner for the bard that resulted in some pretty interesting scenes.

At one point we dosed the guardsman who was watching the armory with a powerful hallucinogen and the bard used Glibness to convince him to take a well-deserved break in the captain's office. We then commenced to raid the armory and make out like bandits while the bard tied up the guardsman and pinned a sign to his shirt that said "I've been bad."

A few days later we ran into the captain who immediately went off on a rant about how one of the guardsman was found "naked, on his hands and knees on my desk, barking like a dog (we never did find his clothes), with a pile of rope unrolled around the floor. Do YOU all have any idea what happened?"

The bard kept a completely straight face and said "it sounds like he was being punished for something. Had he been baaaad?".

Watching the range of emotions go over the DM's face as he tried to figure out how the Guard Captain would handle it was wonderful.

[Jair Barik]

Game i was DMing as a one shot adventure. the following line cam up
"I don't know if we should risk it, those mushrooms look pretty dangerous"
The player saying it was saying it in all seriousness both from a character point of view and his opinion of what the party should do. Of course this is D&D and so they should expect such horrors from giant mushrooms but still, it was absolutely hilarious

[Fayd]

"You want the bacon-chalk Fluffy? If you teach the priestess how to use a bow I'll give you the bacon-chalk!"

Said by me, to the orc barbarian. Fluffy had been sleeping, and was the only one there who COULD teach the priestess how to use a bow. We needed him awake, but he was cuddling his brand new greataxe like a teddy bear. This was my solution. Prestidigitation and Mage Hand are amazingly fun to use.

[RagnaroksChosen]

GM " You find a duffle bad filled with martial arts weapons...
Mid sentence one of the the players shouts;
"Are there shuriekens. I ****ing Love shuriekens"

It was a pritty serious scene to..

[subject42]

"I don't know if we should risk it, those mushrooms look pretty dangerous"

Knowledge [Nature] or maybe Profession [Saucier]?

[Keshay]

There was a session where our Sorc was polymorphed into a lizardman by a random trap. The player started getting into it when suddenly his eyes went wild, and he exclaimed "Wait, am I male or female! Someone check my cloaca!"
You know, it just occurred to me that was gag in the comic.. I'm not sure if he was an OOTS reader or not, but at the time it was one of the funniest things we'd heard.

In an earlier adventure, our party had been hired to retreive an ancient diary from a library tower on a lost island. Upon hiring a rather shady crew of sailors to take us there, they asked if there was any wealth in this tower, to which our rougue replied "There's a wealth of knowlege."

And lastly, "I’m not sure what just happened, but there were a lot of dice rolled." I think that was upon being teleported into a room with gaze-attacking undead while my Cleric had some sort of nigh-epic anti-undead aura active. 4-5 players, all rolling 8 saves apiece, and all the Bodoks save-or dying versus the aura. All the players were fine, and all the undead were toast in one round, but as my friend said, there were alot of dice rolled.

[The Tygre]

I've said it once but I'll say it again;

"What do you mean there are only five whores in the whole city?"

[Commander_Vimes]

Fair warning, this one is a bit gross

The party was fighting a group of bugbears. My Duskblade hit one with a Shocking Grasp and rolled pretty close to max damage. DM decided to narrate this as me grabbing the bugbear by the balls and electrocuting him to death, leaving me holding a pair of bloody testicles. Deciding to take advantage of the situation, I roared and waved the testicles at the remaining bugbears, hoping to intimidate them. Two of them immediately hit me, knocking me to about a quarter of my health.

"Apparently they weren't intimidated by my testicles."

[Radar]

@The Tygre - my friend got something simmilar:
a totally justified and reasonable line from a paladin in my group:
"Man! I was looking for hookers!"

Context:
The party is working for the city guard and they suspected, that some merchants were doing shady buiseness at nights, so they wanted to buy some local eyes and ears. Obvious choice? Beggers and ladies of negotiable affection. Turned out they found some seamstresses instead.

[Parra]

I got 2 both more ooc comments more than anything else

First one is going back to 2nd ed. The Party were busy carving a path of distruction through the Abyss, its been a long hard session. Towards the end, the angry little dwarf fighter pipes up and says "You know I havent taken a single point of damage this entre gaming session" Que next encounter less than 2 minutes latter, out pops a Maralith and lops off his head with a vorpal swoard..

The second was many years later, in 3.5. Same player but this time playing Mr. Uber Paladin (was level 22 odd I think). We bust into this Mages tower and starting fighting the varied array of bizarre monsters, not that much of a challenge for us. one one of the critters gets lucky with some spell on the paladin and he takes 55 odd damage in a single hit. Thinking about the save from massive damage one of the other players says "Dont worry about it man you have awesome saves, just dont roll a 1....."

[subject42]

One recurring theme in our games is the DM shuddering, taking a moment to collect himself, then saying:

"Alright, roll to save against livestock."

[JeenLeen]

I was playing an evil female Duskblade spy amongst a party of good characters. The entire group wanted a TPK to reset some stuff, so I worked with the DM to have my character work to get the group slaughtered and she leave.

One of the characters had repeatibly hit on her.
She got him alone and, after the initial attack, cast Fire Shield on herself and said, "Want a hug?"


In Mage: The Ascension, a private investigator type was asking a random guy in a hospital lobby some questions. The guy basically told him to get lost, so the player said, "I punch him in the face." Rather surprised the DM and the rest of us. Almost ended rather badly.

[Dienekes]

Not exactly a line. But always cracks me up.

Player: I get on top of the trap door to examine it
Me: Ok
Player: I roll my Search and my Knowledge (engineering) check to see if I can figure out how it works.
rolls dice
Me: Ok, you search around but you can't find the triggering lever, however as you look you see a weak point on the trap door near the hinge that you can fiddle with to make it open up.
Player: Ok I do that.
Me: While you're on top of it?
Player: Yeah
Me: Ok, you fall through the hole.
Player: Ohh yeah... I didn't think about that

And of course
Same player: I scream my battle cry and charge at the guards!
Me: You scream?
Everyone else: NO!
Player: Yeah, I scream. Why?
Me: You remember you're on a stealth assassination mission right?
Player: So?
Me: Fine you scream your battle cry and attack the guards. I'll roll to see who you wake up.

[Radar]

I got 2 both more ooc comments more than anything else

First one is going back to 2nd ed. The Party were busy carving a path of distruction through the Abyss, its been a long hard session. Towards the end, the angry little dwarf fighter pipes up and says "You know I havent taken a single point of damage this entre gaming session" Que next encounter less than 2 minutes latter, out pops a Maralith and lops off his head with a vorpal swoard..

The second was many years later, in 3.5. Same player but this time playing Mr. Uber Paladin (was level 22 odd I think). We bust into this Mages tower and starting fighting the varied array of bizarre monsters, not that much of a challenge for us. one one of the critters gets lucky with some spell on the paladin and he takes 55 odd damage in a single hit. Thinking about the save from massive damage one of the other players says "Dont worry about it man you have awesome saves, just dont roll a 1....."

And those are classic tropes incarnated.
1. Never, ever comment your lucky survival before the end of the day.
2. Never, ever invoke any variant of "What could possiby go wrong?" phrase.

[Delwugor]

When offered the choice between Raise Dead and Resurrection my reply was "I'll take the blue light special".

[GoufCustom]

DM: Okay, the pillar behind the altar starts glowing. Everyone make a reflex save.
*Everyone else saves*
Me: Um... I failed.
DM: O...kay, make a fortitude save.
Me: Awesome! Fort is my best save! *roll* ...I got a one.
DM: Okay, tendrils of energy shoot out of the pillar. Everyone else manages to dodge them. One grabs you, and pulls you inside the pillar. The rest of the party, if you were say from a modern day world, hear a sound you would recognize as a blender set on puree.

[Quirinus_Obsidian]

Not really a line, but more of an occurrence.

One of our players was chaotically chaotic aligned. There was neutrality in there, because if he were any Good or Evil it would end up turning Faerun into a smoking cinder, inside out. This is before we started Pathfinder.

Under the influence of an intelligent ancient dagger, the party Psionicist murders a local head priest of some Faerun deity. He comes to, and successfully Autohypnosis'es himself into believing that he did not murder the poor guy. With the dagger in his hand. Blood on his clothes. Etc. I know that autohypnosis can't be used for such a thing. the DM gave it a 10% chance of working (19 or 20), and the player rolled a natural 20.

[Akal Saris]

Heh...cute idea with the autohypnosis. Here's a line from about 4-5 years back that had me and the other PCs in tears laughing. The PC (and his character) were absolutely dead serious too...

Me: landing on his roof easily, you are blinded by a sudden flash of light. When your vision returns, you find yourself surrounded by over twenty death knights!

PC: Oh-my-god oh-my-god oh-my-god! How did this ILLUSIONIST summon TWENTY DEATH KNIGHTS?

[maniakmastah]

Fair warning, this one is a bit gross

The party was fighting a group of bugbears. My Duskblade hit one with a Shocking Grasp and rolled pretty close to max damage. DM decided to narrate this as me grabbing the bugbear by the balls and electrocuting him to death, leaving me holding a pair of bloody testicles. Deciding to take advantage of the situation, I roared and waved the testicles at the remaining bugbears, hoping to intimidate them. Two of them immediately hit me, knocking me to about a quarter of my health.

"Apparently they weren't intimidated by my testicles."

LOL!! Man, talk about getting blue-balled. This one happened just recently, it was me, and another player, me being a 13th level dwarf (by reincarnation) rogue, and him a 7th level fighter/7th level Dwarven Defender and we were camping out in some woods on a mission when we had a random encounter with the two of us, and the DM decided to scare with a Huge size dire boar. So when we see it, our eyes light up and I say "BY GOD!! THAT'S GONNA BE SOME TASTY PIG!!!" and we begin combat. After my character nearly getting killed, we did enough damage to send it running, and not to be denied our want for barbecue, we gave chase, pinging arrows at it while chasing it down. After awhile the DM finally says to us "Who wants some of the other white meat!!" and we happily cheer "DINNER!!!!". We go back to the Elven village we stopped by before hauling some cut up pig, he goes looking for someone to sell him gallons of sauce, while i made Survival checks to find spices and peppers. Good Eats.

[Rankar]

After clearing out a temple being used to take over the souls of the people who worshiped there, the guards asked my character where I had been all night and if I knew what was happening inside (these guards weren't in on the stealing of souls). Without missing a beat my halfling rogue stared up at the human guard and asked, "Do you have ANY idea how easy it is for a halfling to fall down a human sized toilet?" The DM was speechless, in part because my halfling had jumped into the toilets to meet up with the rest of the party. Didn't even need to roll a bluff check.

[TelemontTanthul]

On a mission in Star Wars DnD (The few times we played it), our team was trying to hijack a freighter for selfish reasons.

We barricaded the cockpit with wood pieces and things (I have no idea what we used.) In the end, we had basically a very complicated barricade with just enough room to stick your arm through, but nothing else.

The guards finally caught up to us at this point and demanded that we surrender.

A woman on our team decides to try and use her "Feminine Charms" to try and bring the guards closer so that we can grab them through the barricade.

She fails (rolling a 2 on diplomacy)

So, our Giant Lizard friend, who has a charisma score of about 9 decides to try and lure the man closer.

He holds out his hand and in it are a few pieces of candy.

he says "Want some candy?"

And rolls a 20 on his diplomacy.

Safe to say that the guard fell for it, and died shortly thereafter.

"Want some candy?"

[Alteran]

This isn't a line, really, but I still feel it's worth sharing. During a session today, our Assassin had three options to choose from for his imminent death: being simultaneously eaten alive and drowned, drinking alchemist's fire, or slitting his throat with a spoon.

In the end he survived, because I got slaughtered by the undead that were after him while he (literally) hid in a closet and cried. Seeing as I was the only healer, things went downhill from there. It's a very good thing that this was just a one-off game.

[ondonaflash]

And those are classic tropes incarnated.
1. Never, ever comment your lucky survival before the end of the day.
2. Never, ever invoke any variant of "What could possiby go wrong?" phrase.

"Luck be a Lady tonight...."

[FerhagoRosewood]

Two words: Elf pudding.

In my first real session of D&D 3.5, I was playing an LE Cleric of Tiamat (my avie!). Together with my Kobold wizard partner, we joined up with a Human monk, a Elf Rogue, and a Elf Ranger. The monk has his own legendary comedy moment as he blew himself up. How, you ask? In a room with a sickle trapped door, which I got hit with twice before giving up on it, was also a dragonhead fountain. The liquid was a mysterious magical substance that the kobold immediately began taking vials of. Seeing all of this, the monk decides to take out his flint and tender... Everyone jumps out of the way just barely before the multiple potions giving a fire breath explode.

The force of which sends MY guy against the door to activate the trap AGAIN! After all the chaos, the DM (also our HS teacher) informed us that the monk was slowly dying. Being the only healer... I walked over... And went through his stuff first, taking what I wanted then I healed him. My character considered it "payment" for his stupidity. And the monk earned the nickname "Krispy the Monk" for the rest of his days.

Later, one not so quiet entrance into a room left us surrounded by Orcs. Through pure grit and luck of rolls, we make it with no one dead. Since all the orcs were gone, their stronghold and their supplies were now ours for the taking. In one room, their food stores, amongst the various barrels were a few labeled "Elf pudding."

Our two Elfs players both look at each other with huge grins. "Elf pudding!" "AWESOME!" Then it slowly sinks in what's really in the barrels. "Oh."

I was laughing uncontrollably for so long afterwords that the DM threatened to kill me if I continued. I barely passed my will save.

[Katana_Geldar]

I have one player who always wants to be involved in the pivotal dialogue scenes. So, when he had decided to stay behind while other players went to meet a contact, I made the point of saying it was twenty kilometres away and the players had turned their comlinks (yes, this is Star Wars) off so they couldn't be bothered by him.

He still wouldn't stop, so I said "Look, they are twenty kilometres away from you and you didn't want to go. This isn't Star Trek and you just can't beam in there....Scotty." The last word I added on when I realised what it was I said.

And I still refuse to have any form of matter transference technology homebrewed into the game. That would be as insane as Vulcans with lightsabers.

[oxinabox]

CLtL:
we're attacked (unexpectedly) by a group of other changlings, one of wich was a (female) ogre.
Ogre goes to Grapple PC:
Player: "I make puppy dog eyes, and roll seduction"
Rolls: 7 successes
DM rolls to counter (at a large bonus), face going grimmer and grimmer.
DM: "She hesitates, then smiles at you." - she failed to counter.

[GallóglachMaxim]

DM: 'The cyclops has punched himself in the crotch...to death'

and it wasn't one of my games (I think it came from TVtropes) but the funniest line from a game I've ever heard was
'I use sense motive on the fire'
'It wants to burn things!'

[Fluffles]

Was playing a horror game in 3.5e. My DM was an ass >.<

DM: "Make a spot check."
Me: "Ok. *Rolls* lets see, 14+22= 36. What do I see?"
DM: (Who has the most evil smile I've ever seen) "Nothing."

Turned out there really was nothing. In a horror campaign.

[Kol Korran]

i think i posted this story on a similar thread, still, it's the funniest line i've heard:
we play in Israel, and our native tongue is Hebrew. one group that formed decided to try and play in English, for various reasons but mostly to practice the language. this has led to the following occurance...
the rogue of the party, at one point tries to persuade someone to let them do something. that someone initially refuses. the rogue wants to say "i try to smooth things up with him." but forget the word "smooth" in english. so he's stuck for a moment, until he smiles, coming up with the next best thing... to his defence, both "smooth" and the word in question are the same word in Hebrew, but in English... well-
"i try to lubricate things up with him."

damn that was worth all the hardships in English that far...

Kol.