Favorite One-Liners

[ondonaflash]

Kind of a spawn-off thread of the Intimidating Quotes thread, I was just wondering what some of your best one-liners were in a campaign. Remember, if you have to deliver a speech to set it up, its not a one-liner (Describing the actions leading up to it are of course necessary).

I don't have any good examples I'm afraid. The best I have is the time our party ranger got a massive damage kill on a necromancer, and cleaves him in two, right down the middle, and spraying blood everywhere (especially on the Catfolk druid, for whom it became a running gag)

Tiefling Rogue: "Dude... what. the. hell."

[arguskos]

My current players have a set of rules. The first one?

Rule 0: DO NOT LIGHT ANYTHING ON FIRE GOD DAMMIT. (verbatim from our rule sheet)

[PairO'Dice Lost]

In the last campaign (many of my players' first), I did a lot with Delay Spell, the channeled X line of spells, and other ways to make spells more powerful the longer you cast them. Any time a caster used one of these tricks, telegraphed by the caster chanting and waving without anything obvious happening, the party never managed to kill them before they got it off. So now, whenever I say:

"And for [the caster]'s turn, he...starts chanting. Next?"

the entire party flips out worse than if I'd thrown a tarrasque at them.

[Sir Homeslice]

"Spin the vermins, reverse the guilt, reverse the birth, reverse the world, spin spin spin spin SPIN!"
-A particularily loopy Vampire.

[Thrice Dead Cat]

We had quite a few of them in a Star Wars Saga KotOR era game that has been put on hiatus for Deadlands, at the moment, but the one that sticks out most for me is the below:

We had just infiltrated a Sith base, having gotten past a few of the mooks when we ran into the Sith apprentice and his battledroid. I'm playing a scoundrel type.

Marr, Sith Apprentice - “I hope to supply some sport before you face my master.”
Me - "So you expect to die?"

The poor schmuck didn't even get to act, neither did half of our party. The round literary went with me knocking him down the condition track with a quick blast, followed by our HK unit doing the same, then our Jedi picking up his battledroid and shoving them both into a wall. Since then, the GM never used the sample NPCs in the books.

[Rhiannon87]

Oh, man. So many. I'll pull a few highlights...

"I will drink from his skull!" - Hvall, on Marco Volo (this was in the first session of the campaign and we already hated that damn bard)

"It is in your best interest to move out of the way of the minotaur." - Carawyn (a gnome druid/MMF who had just turned into the minotaur and was instructing her party members to move so she could chaaaarge)

“Sembia's a f***ing country, you waste of space!!!” - Carawyn (after Volo staged his death and left an obviously encrypted note on the corpse; the note said "Meet me in Sembia", which is a not small country)

"From now on, you're to stay forty feet away from me at all times." - Lumieras to Foster (they're both rogues, and Foster had just set off a trap of some kind that did damage to both Lumieras and Foster... Lumieras was Not Amused.)

"A great dagger is called a sword." - Runge (Dwarven fighter's response to another character telling him that the weapon he carried was 'a great dagger'.)

"I will wear your soul as a hat!" - Bobby the Devil (He wanted to kill Foster because Foster sold him a soul that didn't exist. He had so many good lines in that fight...)

"I am the meat fairy." - Roscoe (Roscoe is a feral halfling psychic warrior who frequently collects meat off fallen enemies and makes them into stew for the party. Another party member claimed that the meat fairy had visited and left Roscoe a present-- aka a copper piece-- in the meat.)

"You don't get to tap that!" - Spartina, to Foster after he critical fumbled and shot her in the a**, dealing all of 2 points of damage to the level 12 fighter

...That ended up being more than a few.

[Another_Poet]

"Do you know how hard it is to stab someone with a wrench? Felt easy."
-Schnelling, arcane mechanik

Not from D&D but:
"Don't blame me, blame yourself or God."
-Final Fantasy Tactics

"If they won't let me into Heaven, I'm going to say you forced me."
-the late Anna Ilona Bela, on giving up her virginity to her dead boyfriend shortly after her own death.

"Look, I don't like hurting people. But I'll do it for almost any reason."
-Eoin Ruadh, shadowrunner & elven porn star

[CrazedBanana]

"And now for a very BOLD move!" Harold Barnsworthy, Kobold duke, as he swings from a chandelier.

[Dienekes]

Then, following the one I said earlier in the thread where the players were about to face Asmodeus.

Me, rping Asmodeus: Hello. I am a man of wealth and taste.

Wizard: Me too. Intensified Time stop.

Me: Eh crap.

I'm totally stealing Shadowbane's thunder, but this needed to be posted.

[Zephyros]

"Unclean human scum... Pitiful Wretches..." Deledhel, Fey'ri Swordsage to clerics of Pelor squad who then proceed to kick his a$$ and then some.

Deledhel dons hastily his armor as battle menaces in the next room. Elanor-human sorceress-and Deledhel's room mate:
'quick-kiss' "Better come fast honey-bunny" and runs off to combat...

"I.DON'T.LIKE.YOU." Agothar human barbarian to a Succubus that failed 4 consecutive charms and a dominate on him while he was drinking his fill at "Green Parrot " tavern.
"Do you like boys??? I can do boys too if-" Said succubus shapechanging into a boy and subsequently one-shoted by Agothar

"They seem...fishy..." Agothar to Deledhel in the middle of negotiations with Sahuagin.

"Your combat moves are...weak. Your smites...laughable. Your faith...pathetic. Be on your way kid and don't cry... Crying pisses me off."
Deledhel at pelorite paladin he encountered later in the campaign.

Deledhel glares at Elanor standing in a burnt out throne room (which featured a-piece of coal-carcass with a crown).
Elanor: "Horny???"

"To withstand this kind of madness you have to be either me...or me."
Deledhel to the shocked Priest of the party that later witnessed the remains of the royal chambers

Ah...fun times indeed.

[Jergmo]

There are more, but I can't remember them at the moment.

This was in a one-shot campaign, where I was allowed to play an Ogre barbarian, Garrick, and was accompanied by a human Sniper and a human Fighter. It was on MSN, and whenever we were separated, the DM would put us in different windows. There was a blizzard going on, so nobody could see very well, and my ogre ended up tripping a trap that grabbed his leg and then dragged him into a cave. So I was alone, and they didn't know what was going on except that Garrick was gone. They had made their way over to where the cave's entrance was, just when Garrick was on his way up.

Garrick was the only one who could see, since he had Darkvision, so the DM started describing his ascension in grand detail like some hulking monster was coming to get them.

Garrick: "Oh, hey."

[Glyde]

First level party. We're exploring a thief's guild in Cromyr. The group opens a door and there's a hyena...thing. It pulls back its face and screams. The entire party fails the ensuing will save except for one character - My calm and collected warforged Archivist. This guy is on the pursuit of knowledge and is just absolutely *brilliant* as well as curious.

The rest of the party flees as fast as possible, leaving 'Legend Lore' standing in the doorway, staring at this face-peeler-screamy-thing. He wins initiative.

"Fascinating." And shuts the door. He turns and speaks to the cowering party. "It does not have thumbs."

Cue a loud thud as the hyena thing charges the door and knocks itself out.

[Jade_Tarem]

I was DMing for a rogue who had split off from the main group. She noticed a trickle of blood coming out from under a door, and elected to open it and look inside.

Me: The door opens. A nasty stench washes out at you as you gaze upon the mangled remains of at least two and a half guards. From somewhere in the carnage you hear a gurgle. "The elites... they... you must..."


Rogue (not missing a beat): "Wrong door." *Shuts door and continues with what she was doing.*

[Katana_Geldar]

I said this in a Star Wars Saga game to a player who wanted to cut in on a conversation that he chose to stay behind bfore instead of travelling with the players:

"Look, they are twenty kilometres away from where you are now and you didn't want to come when you had the chance. This isn't Star Trek and you're not beaming in there Scotty."

[ondonaflash]

I do remember one scene, where my party was exploring a Labrynth, while being stalked by a shape-shifting demon. The Demon took the shape of my character and the party tried to puzzle out which of us was which. Never one for word puzzles I simply said "I sneak attack other me", I then killed my look-a-like and turned to the party and said "What?"

It was unilaterally agreed that the backab-ber was me.

[Temet Nosce]

"I meant to do that.", after my character blew up the enemies crude flamethrower and nearly killed herself.

[Zergrusheddie]

In a module, there was this monster that has DR +5/55 and Regeneration 20 and Fast Healing 10 that was thrown at level 6 players. Obviously, you were just supposed to run from it as it only moved like 30 feet in a full round action. It was "The Dung Monster."

Once the players started running and they found that they needed to leave, the most epic statement was made: "This brings a whole new meaning to the term crap's 'rolling down hill.'"

I played a Beguiler Batman style against a DM that had never seen any Wizard/Magic User used in that way. The other player's used to do just Evoker Wizards and the like, so I decided that it would be fun to show what Batman could do. Because we fought a lot of Undead and Constructs in the beginning, Glitterdust was the spell I cast the most often. As a Gray Elf and as a Beguiler, my DC was pretty high for a 2nd level.

A few sessions later. My Battlecry has become:
Me: GLITTERDUST!
DM (Shouting with lots of hand gestures): I HATE THAT DAMN SPELL!

The funny part is that the DM was nearly shouting because it seemed that whenever I cast good ol' Glitterdust, he was doomed to roll 3's on his Saves.

[herrhauptmann]

In the witchfire campaign (3.0 version), second module. We're fighting the sorceress, and 4 coveners (undead with casting abilities), and the halfling rogue decides he's going to provoke an AOO by sliding through a coveners space, so he can get to the sorceress and start dealing damage when she casts.
He states, "I run and slide on the ground, right between her feet." as he reaches for the dice
I reply: "Don't look up" just as he rolls his dice.
Rogue rolls a 1.

[hiryuu]

I got a lot of these.

d20 Modern/sci-fi/WoD stuff:

"I'm not gonna let the two of you stand watch together because you and her mix like nitroglycerin and shaking it."

Marine 1: "I'm fine, [the disease] has a twelve hour incubation period."
Marine 2: "It has an average incubation period of twelve hours. Some people start showing symptoms at eight, some at sixteen."
Robin (shaky, slight whine): "I got shot. That has an incubation period of right then."

"I don't want to wake up, I's was havin' a dream where I was a polygamist."

"Well, this is cooler than the last murder. You know, when it just turned out the guy liked to eat caulk."
"Ah, yes, the great caulk cruncher caper."

"I never thought I'd be dying. Of radiation poisoning. In Amish country."

"I'll tell you the same thing I told the last guy, a ninja came out of nowhere and killed him."

Ryan (thinking aloud): "But why hydrogen cyanide?"
Coffee Lady: "It kills quickly, is easily made, and causes a lot of pain, which is why the victim tends to drop so fast. They are too busy twitching as the cells are incapable of producing ATP in order to sustain the body."
Aron (putting coffee down): "I'm gonna go get a soda."

"You break everything you touch."
"No I don't, I haven't broke the sidewalk yet."
"Debatable."

"Here's the plan. You're going to turn into that giant dinosaur dragon thing, and then bite him."
"No. I am not going Archid for you, and I am not putting him in my mouth."

"Last time this happened, I ended up with a vampire in my mouth. I do not care to repeat that experience."
"I don't see…."
"In my mouth! The vampire was in my mouth! I can still taste it!"

Midgard Serpent: "You are the dreamers and makers of the world. You may have anything you desire."
PC 1: "Hey, can I get a soda?"

"This could have been easy. It could have been smooth and normal. But no, you had to live in the murder house."

"It's all fun and games until someone puts out a ninja."

“I know how to use the spigot, I saw the horse do it!”

“Mutants everywhere.”
“Yeah, I know. I don’t think Sergeant Jenkins would take this well.”
“Yep. ‘specially since I took his pocketwatch.”

Robot to NPC vendor: “While you are correct in your assessment of my lack of buying power, you do not appear to realize that you, as a human, cannot function properly with a bullet hole in your head.”

Li: (Spot check, DC 24, sees an obvious demon dog) “Monster!”
John: “Monsters don’t exist.” (makes a Spot check, 24) “Relax, it’s a bat.”
Li (gaping in horror): “But bat has wolf parts!”
John (loading and cocking rifle): “Must be one of them northern European bat dogs.”

Li Tai: "Look, I tell USA I have perfect English speaking, they send me back to lie detector test. Last time, the man say 'there three-head monster in room?' I say 'maybe,' and when comes up correct statement, they look at me funny."

(After returning to the villain’s stronghold to get some information about a different villain and some more chocolate cake)
Villain: "You'll have to take the main entrance, since my elevator doesn't work. I think some desert animals crawled in there and died."
Paladin: "Yeah. I believe that. Except replace 'desert animals' with 'babies' and 'crawled in there' with 'thrown.'”
Summoner: “Yeah. And 'died' with 'flayed.'"

“Is it really necessary to have more explosives than the climax of a sci-fi channel original movie?”

“Let that be your lesson for this morning. Pain hurts.”

“His big plan is to drop a rock on the planet?”
“Not just any rock! Space demon infested rock!”
“We’ve already got space demons! That’s like setting a cockroach loose in a house that’s already infested!”
“Do you want to tell him that?”
(pause)
“You do it.”
Later: “Hey, man, I just wanted to tell youaahhhhohGaiamyface!”

“You think it’s okay? Will I lose my paladin powers?”
"You know if this were D&D you'd have lost your powers like ten times before lunch."

“Anybody get the number of that soul train that hit me?”

“You must never use the Force in anger.”
“I didn’t. I used a crowbar.”

“I’m baking a cake. Where are the grenades at?”

Said to Sith lord: "Hey who do you think aahhhohgodmyface!"

“Next time a Jedi falls out of the sky, I’ll kill him. And if I get a Dark Side point for it, I’ll kill the GM.”

“Grarg!”
“Is the droid on its period?”
“No, the damn council put the code that prevents protocol droids from killing people back in.”

“Why are they calling you Darth Zee?”
“It’s probably the threat that I’ll beat them into a stupor with a crowbar if’n they don’t behave.”
“But you’re a Jedi!”
“I know, I’m not doing it out of malice. I’m doing it because if I don’t, the little [expletive] will peel your face off and feed it to the ship’s rats.”
“Fair enough.”

“I’ll tear you to pieces.”
“I’ll tear you to pieces!”
“And I’ll make bread from your bones.”
“And I’ll make bread from your bones!”
“Okay, guys, next time you use the Force to start a bar fight, it’s Dark Side points for everyone.”

“You’ll be fine, honest! There’s only one rancor this time!”

“If you use the drill on his forehead you will get a Dark Side point.”
“Thank you sir! May I have another?”

“It is my duty as a Jedi player to tell you that I am acting not on anger, but on pure he-posted-naked-trids-of-me-on-the-holonet fury.”

“Are you trying to go Dark Side?”
“You know me, if I was trying I wouldn’t succeed. Remember the time my character tried to attack someone?”
“Was that before or after you got a new leg and two new arms?”
“Before.”

“I can’t believe that you, as both a twi’lek and a Jedi, allowed one of your ship-mates to buy one.”
“Hey, it’s part of our society, she sold her own contract.”
“But!”
“But nothin’. I didn’t complain when you came back with your new chest piercing, and the Jedi frown upon body modifications.”
“That was a blaster wound.”
“Same difference.”

(After finding out how to operate a Sith planet killer)
“Ooooh, pretty.”
“Dark Side point.”
“Why?”
“You just blew up a moon.”
“And?”
“That his character was still on.”
“Oops.”

“But, you’ve never done anything vaguely evil. You don’t have any Dark Side points at all!”
“I am very, very angry with the octopus stuck to my foot, I will use my Sith Alchemy to give him a rear end, and then I will force lightning him in it.”
“Okay, so, you never had any until now.”

"I will never get an iPod if I can avoid it. I do not trust a company that is unable to grasp the most basic rules of capitalization."

D&D:

“What? You want a reward? Why?”
“We won. We saved the world!”
“If I recall, we’re the ones who set the ancient evil loose in the first place.”
“But we put it back!”

“It glows! Dude! Save vs. sweetness!”

“Okay, we’ll follow the sword. But if this leads to breakfast cereal, I’m killing you all.”

“They’re after her lucky charms!”
“I told you that if this led to breakfast cereal, you would all die.”

[The Mute Bard]

My character was the captain of a privateer ship with a crew filled completely with fleshed out NPCs. The crew's doctor was a Vanara (see:Oriental Adventures), and was therefore played as being very playful and mischievous by the DM.

One "day" My character was busy doing something or other (can't quite remember) , and the ship's doctor decided to go mess around in my quarters. This basically amounted to her going through drawers and putting underwear on her head, socks on her hands, and eating lipstick.

It was at this time that my character returned, and found the ships doctor. There was a long pause as the two characters stared at eachother...

My character lifted up her hand and said very seriously, "You have five minutes." Then slowly shut the door and walked away.

[The Rose Dragon]

I don't recall the exact context, but it went something like this.

Female lich sorcerer, so obviously Charisma is off the charts. The DM gets around to mentioning her Charisma modifier, when one of the players immediately says "I hit on her".

The DM goes: "...she's a decaying skeleton".

[BarbarianNina]

"How much does moldy wood sell for?"
Hethrir, CN mercenary sorcerer.

Druid, trying to persuade a very young, very immature Winter Wolf to bathe:
"How about a bubble bath, Dremca? You like bubbles!"
Winter Wolf: "Dremca want bubbles and NO bath!"

A player once responded to learning that her gnome bard had been magically forced to fall in love with a house cat by composing and singing a multiple-verse ballad to the cat. In character.

"Don't. Poke. The Tiefling."
Tiefling Rogue, brandishing a dagger.

"I don't work for ANYBODY."
CN Tiefling Rogue, explaining to the bad guy's pet sorcerer why, even under the influence of a 'charm person' spell, he was not willing to switch to Team Evil.

[Thespianus]

I play the theatrical arcane Rogue Thespianus in our current campaign. As I was attacking some monster with a sneak attacked rapier, I shouted something along the line of

"Now Thespianus will do what Thespianus does best!"
*rolls a 1*

Later on, the same situation:

"Again, Thespianus will do what Thespianus does best!"
*rolls a 1*

I've stopped shouting that before attacking now.

[Tyrmatt]

Cribbed shamelessly from Baldur's Gate 2. Minsc gets all the best lines.

Evil, meet my sword! SWORD! MEET EVIIIIILLL!!

I'm sure there was a fan patch that allowed the talking sword to go "Hey!" when he said that.

[Korivan]

"FOR THE MOOOOOOONKYYYYYYY!!!!!"

I love monkeys

[Quincunx]

L5R:

Cranky old sorceror to idealistic yojimbo: "You ran off!?! You're not supposed to protect the helpless women and children, you're supposed to protect ME!

WoD:

Flunkies to fighter-build vampire: "You. . .talked him out of being primogen?!"

A Tzimisce amuses itself by tearing off its face and kneading the skin like Play-Dough.
Neonate, ooc: "Won't you have to make a humanity check for that?"
Tzimisce, not missing a beat: "Humana-vhat?"

[Unscrewed]

My old Genius: The Transgression game had a bunch of fun one-liners.

"We're fighting rocket powered monkeys on lonely forest road, armed only with a shotgun and our WITS!" –Kyle

"I am as Prometheus, bound in chains for the sin of aiding men, and the eagles come now for the feasting upon of my deliciously livery liver. The eagles are also monkeys!"
-Alvin

“Strauss, while Alvin plays with the ax, what are you doing?”
“Watching in horror, mostly.”
-Storyteller/Strauss’s Player

"I think I just broke reality. Or time. Or both.”
-Kyle

"Out of curiousity, what's going to kill us? Being eaten by the lobsters, or will we drown first?"
-Strauss

“Why are Hollow Earth Nazis sending catgirls to kill me in the first place?”
-Kyle

“Who will call Alice Gotti?"
"I can't. I used my phone's battery for an experiment earlier, and it exploded. A little."
-K/Richard Strauss

"Hi Gotti, It's Kyle. Wanna save some orphaned children?"
“Are any dead yet? I'm trying to be a homicide detective, kid."
-Kyle/Gotti

"Oh ****. I just burned orphans to death."
Richard Strauss (OOC, but still great)

"Are you with the Navigators? You have the Crazy Eye Gleam of Justice, I think."
-Hook-man

"It looks like the earth no longer shows up on camera. This is cool!"
-Kyle.

"I don't think fairies use time bombs."
-Kyle

“Fairies aren't real. Fairies aren't real."
-K
Note: We had just entered the Hedge, and K wan’t taking it very well

"They're just an extra-dimensional alien race. They're just an extra-dimensional alien race."
-Gadget Winter
Note: Neither was Gadget, for that matter.

"Now, if you insist, I'll remove the video cameras from my room, but I swear, those are only for security purposes."
-Charles

"Eat obscure English sports equipment, goon!"
-Kyle

[Drascin]

Dunno if funny, but some of my players actually noted down the one-liners they thought made for a good, quick definition of the characters in the campaigns. These are some in the txt (I'll add notes myself)

"Ants may swarm, but alone they are nothing to a lion. Now squirm for me, little ant, for your anthill is no more"
- Nayaire, evil druid, to a mob boss. It's surprising how much a well placed hurricane can cramp the style of even the biggest mob.

"Trosky, if you ever try a Diplomacy check again, I'm going to summon a patch of briars with foot-long thorns and order them to conduct exhaustive espeleology on each one of your orifices. This is not an empty threat."
- Same, after the party's halfgiant rolls 1 on a Diplomacy check on the king.

"...you know, for a God, you're pretty cool. I need to leave you alone when I bring down the divine pantheon"
- Tim, antitheist wizard, to the God of Love. He got a lightning bolt for that.

"I'll make a distraction!"
- Tim again, very frequently, always right before fireballing an important building. It's basically become an injoke by now.

"Meh, tactics. I have a beard, I have an axe. The rest's just accessories"
- Dugnor, evil Dwarf Crusader. Probably ended up with a bigger bodycount than the whole Zhentarim organization by the end.

"Stupid bars not stop Trosky! Trosky be STONE HARD!" *headbutts adamantine jail door*
- Trosky Stonehard, Half Giant. He actually ended up breaking them that time. Apparently Greater Psionic Weapon applies to improvised weapons, which includes Tims.

"Kill you? But you've been dead since you decided to target Ciss. I'm just bringing your notification"
- Shin, slayer and wee bit overprotective of the rest of his party.

"Oh come on! I have a damn giant glowing demonic hand! I think I deserve one Shining Finger parody!"
- Ciss, who really doesn't need anyone to look out for her.

[Djinn_in_Tonic]

From my friends Eberron Campaign (starring me as Udk)

Mrs. Forge (our landlady): "You boys haven't paid your rent in months! You should be happy I put a roof over your heads!"
Udk, 7 Intelligence Orc Barbarian (currently possessed by a demon): "Udk think maybe you be happy he not turn into giant nasty monster and eat your face."
Zan, Changeling Rogue, rather thoughtfully: "You know, he's right."

[Rixx]

Terrance (human ranger): "I've been working on my sideburns, actually. They're layered."
Linthel (drow wizard): "Layered with what? Dirt?"