In-game Jokes

[GreatWyrmGold]

Come up with jokes for in-game! (No, this is not a contest. Sorry.)



I'll start.

A dragon goes on vacation, so a thief decides to take some treasure. As he enters, he hears, "Io is watching."
After looking around some, he decides to ignore it. After a bit, he hears louder, "Io is watching."
The thief notices a pseudodragon. The pseudodragon says, "Io is watching."
The theif says, "You're annoying."
"Io is watching."
"And I suppose you're Io?"
"No. My name is Bahamut."
"Bahamut? Who names a pseudodragon Bahamut?"
'"A dragon named Io."

Two orcs werre hunting. One accidently shoots his friend. When he realises what happened, he immediatly takes his friend to a cleric. He asks the cleric, "Will my friend make it?" The cleric replies, "Well, to be honest, he'd of had a better chance it you hadn't started to skin him."

Why did the goblin cross the road?
To get the chicken.

[oxinabox]

A dragon goes on vacation, so a thief decides to take some treasure. As he enters, he hears, "Io is watching."
After looking around some, he decides to ignore it. After a bit, he hears louder, "Io is watching."
The thief notices a pseudodragon. The pseudodragon says, "Io is watching."
The theif says, "You're annoying."
"Io is watching."
"And I suppose you're Io?"
"No. My name is Bahamut."
"Bahamut? Who names a pseudodragon Bahamut?"
'"A dragon named Io."

that ones excellent

Why did the goblin cross the road?
To get the chicken.

that one is not

[CoffeeIncluded]

Every male character and their father is hitting on my character.

[GreatWyrmGold]

that ones excellent

thank you.

that one is not

Why?

[Dixieboy]

Once upon a time an Adventurer found a lamp, thrilled because he had read about genies in a new sourcebook, he rubbed the lamp and out came the genie he had expected.
It offered him three wishes, there was however a catch; the BBEG of the story would get everything he got times 10.
The adventurer agreed to the terms, and asked for a +10 sword.
The Genie warned him that this would mean that the BBEG would get a +100 sword, but the adventurer didn't seem to mind.
Then he wished to be the richest man in the world, the genie warned him that the BBEG would be 10 times as rich, he again did not mind.
For his last wish he asked for a cr 10 monster to fight.

[Melamoto]

Once upon a time an Adventurer found a lamp, thrilled because he had read about genies in a new sourcebook, he rubbed the lamp and out came the genie he had expected.
It offered him three wishes, there was however a catch; the BBEG of the story would get everything he got times 10.
The adventurer agreed to the terms, and asked for a +10 sword.
The Genie warned him that this would mean that the BBEG would get a +100 sword, but the adventurer didn't seem to mind.
Then he wished to be the richest man in the world, the genie warned him that the BBEG would be 10 times as rich, he again did not mind.
For his last wish he asked for a cr 10 monster to fight.

This one is definitely good. So... Pseudonatural Paragon Great Wyrm Prismatic Dragon?

[Yukitsu]

And the new BBEG of the campaign is...

[Gamerlord]

A dragon goes on vacation, so a thief decides to take some treasure. As he enters, he hears, "Io is watching."
After looking around some, he decides to ignore it. After a bit, he hears louder, "Io is watching."
The thief notices a pseudodragon. The pseudodragon says, "Io is watching."
The theif says, "You're annoying."
"Io is watching."
"And I suppose you're Io?"
"No. My name is Bahamut."
"Bahamut? Who names a pseudodragon Bahamut?"
'"A dragon named Io."

I don't get it.

[The Rose Dragon]

Io is the god of all dragons as well as all the dragon gods. Bahamut is a dragon god. So, compared to Io, Bahamut is like a mere pseudodragon.

[Storm Bringer]

take your average Irish/welsh/canuck/newfie/people who are thought a bit stupid joke, change to orc/dwarf/halfing, and volia!

for example:

how do halfings enter honest business?
usually though the windows.

another one:

An Human, an Elf and a Dwarf were asked in a survey what race they would like to have been born if they hadn't been the race they were.
'If I hadn't been born a human,' said The human, 'I would have liked to have been orc.'
'If I hadn't been born an elf,' said The elf, 'I would have liked to have been a halfing.'
'If I hadn't been born a dwarf,' said The Dwarf, 'I would have been ashamed of myself.'

[Sliver]

Once upon a time an Adventurer found a lamp, thrilled because he had read about genies in a new sourcebook, he rubbed the lamp and out came the genie he had expected.
It offered him three wishes, there was however a catch; the BBEG of the story would get everything he got times 10.
The adventurer agreed to the terms, and asked for a +10 sword.
The Genie warned him that this would mean that the BBEG would get a +100 sword, but the adventurer didn't seem to mind.
Then he wished to be the richest man in the world, the genie warned him that the BBEG would be 10 times as rich, he again did not mind.
For his last wish he asked for a cr 10 monster to fight.

He could have just asked to lose 1/10th of his HP. +1 one more I guess.

[taltamir]

Every male character and their father is hitting on my character.

i think your DM is trying to be subtle about hitting on you then :)

[rezplz]

i think your DM is trying to be subtle about hitting on you then :)

Emphasis on trying.

[GreatWyrmGold]

I don't get it.

Io is the god of all dragons as well as all the dragon gods. Bahamut is a dragon god. So, compared to Io, Bahamut is like a mere pseudodragon.

Er...not what i had in mind.

Ever heard the similar joke about a rotweiler named Jesus?

[El Chupaqueso]

take your average Irish/welsh/canuck/newfie/people who are thought a bit stupid joke, change to orc/dwarf/halfing, and volia!

It works pretty well for lawyer jokes, too.


What do you call a thousand Paladins on the bottem of the ocean?

A good start!

[Kris Strife]

How do you tell the difference between an elephant and an elf?

The Elephant has smaller ears.

Did you hear about the half-orc druid that got a zebra animal companion?

Named it Spot.

[Tiki Snakes]

Er...not what i had in mind.

Ever heard the similar joke about a rotweiler named Jesus?

yeah, but the jesus joke is actually funny on account of it has an actual punchline.

Spoiler

Show

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a birdMoses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."

[Kris Strife]

He's not a halfling. He's an elf with the wind knocked out of him.

[AstralFire]

yeah, but the jesus joke is actually funny on account of it has an actual punchline.

Spoiler

Show

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a birdMoses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."

That is much funnier.

[KitsuneKionchi]

"Hey I think I have an escape plan...does this planet have a moon?"
"Yeah"
"Read Transmute Rock to Lava."
"What about it?"
"If cast on the ground, it causes a pillar of lava to shoot up from the earth onto the surface. The surface of the moon is definately a surface."
"So?"
"So I'm gonna create a pillar of lava from the center of the earth to a 5 foot square on the moon and ride it with elemental immunity "fire" and a lot of ranks in swim..."
"You do realise the moon isn't in geosynchronous orbit, right? The pillar would be moving across the face of the planet, killing countless..."
"So? I'm chaotic neutral!"
"I think that would shift you to evil."
"Fine. Its unintentional. I'm chaotic stupid."

[Wereling]

"Hey I think I have an escape plan...does this planet have a moon?"
"Yeah"
"Read Transmute Rock to Lava."
"What about it?"
"If cast on the ground, it causes a pillar of lava to shoot up from the earth onto the surface. The surface of the moon is definately a surface."
"So?"
"So I'm gonna create a pillar of lava from the center of the earth to a 5 foot square on the moon and ride it with elemental immunity "fire" and a lot of ranks in swim..."
"You do realise the moon isn't in geosynchronous orbit, right? The pillar would be moving across the face of the planet, killing countless..."
"So? I'm chaotic neutral!"
"I think that would shift you to evil."
"Fine. Its unintentional. I'm chaotic stupid."

That...actually makes my head hurt to think about. I don't think I'd want to be in a game with that person.

[AstralFire]

That is... brilliant in so many terrible ways. It's also the first thing on this thread that was actually funny. (Tiki's posting of the Rottweiler joke doesn't count - it wasn't gaming related.)

[KitsuneKionchi]

That...actually makes my head hurt to think about. I don't think I'd want to be in a game with that person.

Awwh...but it combines the two best evil genius standards for super weapons: a moon based doom weapon *and* liquid hot magma.

EDIT: Thank you *bows*. Its modified from its original, but this was the basis of the joke.

Theoretical in game ideas make the best non-halfling-related jokes.

Besides, halfling puns are only a little funny for a short while.

[Wereling]

Awwh...but it combines the two best evil Besides, halfling puns are only a little funny for a short while.

Careful. Those jokes can be hobbit forming.

[jiriku]

So a paladin, a tiefling, and a truenamer walk into a bar. The paladin looks around and says "There's got to be a punch line here somewhere."

[KitsuneKionchi]

An osetomancer, a blood magus and a cancer mage walk into a bar...which gets closed 2 minutes later due to poor sanitation!

Ba dum psh.

[Pika...]

Rogue: "So how do you get two clerics to fight to the death?"
Fighter: "How?"
Rogue: "Toss a little boy between them."

[Wereling]

How many munchkins does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. He holds the bulb up to the socket and the whole world revolves around him.

[KitsuneKionchi]

How many lightbulbs does it take to change a munckin?

None, the warm happy glow of his monitor at the character optimization boards is more than enough light.

[sofawall]

take your average Irish/welsh/canuck/newfie/people who are thought a bit stupid joke, change to orc/dwarf/halfing, and volia!

for example:

how do halfings enter honest business?
usually though the windows.

another one:

An Human, an Elf and a Dwarf were asked in a survey what race they would like to have been born if they hadn't been the race they were.
'If I hadn't been born a human,' said The human, 'I would have liked to have been orc.'
'If I hadn't been born an elf,' said The elf, 'I would have liked to have been a halfing.'
'If I hadn't been born a dwarf,' said The Dwarf, 'I would have been ashamed of myself.'

Canucks are the stupid ones?