Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

[CoffeeIncluded]

...Wow. That's pretty good.

One thing though: The "Died in childbirth" is, in my opinion, overdone. I'm just saying that just because of her heritage doesn't mean that this should be Angstville, Population: Tiasel.

[Lycan 01]

That... that is a really big story. I'm kinda scared to start reading it. It just looks intimidating, and I'd rather not have a chunk of my afternoon devoured in one sitting... I'll try to get started on it later. Though I may need a shirpa and some climbing equipment to tackle this monster...

[The Dark Fiddler]

Due to the word limit (holy crap I actually reached it!), the second part's in my next post.

...yeah, that's where my laziness draws the line of tl;wr. Sorry. I'm sure it's great as always though.


Now I feel like a lazy bastard....

[Zanaril]

That was... wow.

I've put an unhealthy amount of thought into fanfiction. Questions are always welcome.

Anything that brings up this many emotions can't be that unhealthy.

[TrineSenneset]

Completely... wow indeed, the story just keeps on getting better and better all the time

[Lycan 01]

OK, felt a burning need to write something.
I need all the critique I can get on this, so tell me what you think.

Spoiler

Show

Durkon stumped along, making no pretences of stealth. It was a labyrinth that twisted and turned back on itself and stretched onwards seemingly without end. Without ryme or reason, the tunnels varied between worked and unworked stone. It seemed clear they were not made by any thinking, being – or at least, not a rational or sane one. The tunnels were rarely level, plunging and ascending, curving, intersecting and re-intersecting themselves again and again and again for no evident purpose beyond simple misdirection.

The maze had seemed simple and straightforward on the outside, he thought darkly. ‘An excersise of the mind,’ according to Vaarsuvius. Right. More like a death trap shaped by the insane sorceries of a peerless illusionist completing his lifeswork. Progress was so slow he suspected he had in fact wove his way further from his eventual goal.

Durkon had yet to run into the actual illusions or sorceries, but the maze was no less daunting for that. And the dwarf didn’t delude himself into thinking it would be long before he did.

The tunnel he was following came to an abrupt end a door of carved ebony that stretched open at the slightest touch. Taking a deep breath, the dwarf steeled himself and stepped into the room.

There was no bottom. He was standing at the edge of a great chasm, surrounded by staircases that led down to gallery’s and deeper still, as far as the eye could see.

Gritting his teeth, Durkon chose a staircase at random, and started upwards. It was a narrow, twisting stair, without rails or supports, columns or even supporting walls to anchor it, but the stone was steady as bedrock beneath him anyway. It led down to a gallery, then turned left, branching of into four tiny rooms, each with a further four staircases leading down, deeper into the chasm.

Stay consistent. Durkon told himself sternly. These things have a pattern to him. Make the same choice every time so you don’t lose your place.

Thus reassured, he picked the leftmost room, and the leftmost staircase. A niggling voice reminded him that it was probably and unreasonable assumption to believe the engineering of this place would be consistent, and for all he knew, the architecture rearranged itself, but good old dwarven common sense bulldozed over the top of it. If he spent all his time worrying about things that might be the case, he’d never get started. Stick to what you can see, and deal with problems as they arise.

He made his way lower, grumbling under his breath. The stairs made their way through a mist that smelled like incense, and ended in a wall. Durkon felt himself drawn to it, as if by gravity. He took one more staggering step, and walked onto the wall. He swayed with vertigo, shook his head and closed his eyes, then opened them as his perspective realighned.

…He was exactly where he had started. He could even see the doorway he’d come through.

Taking another stairway with bad grace he stumped along, trying each of the staircases. Sometimes he would make it as far as two galley’s before being thrown back. He had been right, he realized. The staircases were moving, without any reason or order.

“This be madness.” He muttered, trying again

Part of him wondered what would happen if he simply jumped over the edge. He’d probably die, hundreds of meters below the surface, but part of him wondered if that might be the only way down. Another part of him thought he’d probably just find himself back at square one again.

He was once more on the second gallery, about to pick a staircase at random, when a mist swirled around him, moving on some breeze he couldn’t feel, through the still, dead air.
He closed his eyes desperately, humming loudly as he forced his thick, blunt fingers in his ears.

Dinnae look, Durkon. Dinnae look.
Dinnae dae it. Ye’ll be sorry.
Ae willnae….
Joost ae quick yin. Ae willnae believe it anyway…

The magic roared past him, as though he was flying at a tremendous speed.
And then calm.

He was in Azure City once again. The city was whole, as though the war had never happened, brilliantly, radiantly blue as the waters of Sapphire Bay (Beautiful as it was, their department of Nomenology desperately needed funding).

Beside him was a women he recognised, and his heart leapt. Her pale skin glowed, her short blue hair cascaded to her shoulders like a waterfall, her eyes still gleamed with intelligence, wisdom and mischief. Perhaps he remembered more mischief and less wisdom, but her full lips still seemed to contain more smiles then most elves would experience in a lifetime.

She was wearing that dress she’d worn on their first date, cut to emphasise the perfection of each curve. Her stomach was flat and athletic, and her build was lean and strong, yet she had a build most women would only dream of.

“You’re back.” She said, resting a smooth arm around his shoulders. The heat of her flesh warmed him to the bone. “I thought you’d be gone for much longer.”

“Sae did Ae.”

He tried to take her hand, but there was something interfering with the motion. It didn’t matter. She was here, and she was perfect.

“I missed you.” She said with a giggle, a sound not the least bit girlish, but both husky and womanly at the same time. Not ladylike either, but that wasn’t really what he was looking for.

“Ae missed ye to, lass.” He replied quite honestly.

She raised an eyebrow and gave a coy smile, which made him take a deep breath in an attempt to control his suddenly pounding heart.

“Really?” She said, her voice breathy. “Didn’t meet anyone else?”

He shook his head, not trusting himself to speak. But she didn’t relent. She wouldn’t be herself if she did.

“No pretty dwarven women with blond braids?” She said, leaning over. “No nymphs knocked head over heels by your polite chivalrous nature?” She continued, her lips barely a foot from his. “No one at all?”

It took Durkon a few moments to remembeber he was supposed to answer.

“Maybe next time then.” She whispered, and kissed him as he leaned forwad.

It was a few moments before he noticed a feeling. Wind was whistling around him, and he felt light.

He was flying…

No. He was falling.

In the grips of the vision he’d stepped of the edge of a staircase, and was plummeting into oblivion. The walls were a blur, and while he still couldn’t see the bottom he knew the rest of his life could be measured in a matter of seconds. And then he stopped, hanging motionless for a moment before being released to sprawl on the ground in an undignified heap.

“What joost-“

“You’re brave, and strong. The sort of man I want beside me, when fimbulvinter blows.” A deep voice answered before he could finish his question. “Wouldn’t have you die this way. Someone like you needs a death with meaning. And you don't have long left.”

Durkon pulled himself upright quickly, reaching for his hammer. “Ah’d thank ye, but Ae dinnae ken who ye are joost yet, an’ if ah hae tae kill ye it would be a waste, sae…” He said, leaving it hanging while taking the measure of the figure.

He appeared an old man, stooped with age and time, but strong enough to have gotten that old despite plenty of people trying to see to it his natural lifespan was unduly shortened. He had a long grey beard any dwarf would envy, and a heavy fur lined cloak that masked the majority of his features. He was leaning on what looked like a staff, although it was hard to tell in the dim light.

He seemed out of place, realer then his surroundings, though Durkon wasn’t sure why. He supposed it could be Girard, but that was unlikely. Everyone they’d asked said he was dead.

“You know my name.” The hooded man said softly. “Just as I know yours. I’m an old friend of yours, Durkon Thundershield.”

“Ae cannae claim tae hae seen ye before.” Durkon said, more then a little confused.

The man turned slowly, and Durkon could see a single blue eye, beneath a heavy brow that glittered with unknowable wisdom. “You claim not to know me.” The apparation said, pushing away from the wall to stand over the dwarf, and he suddenly seemed very tall, even to a dwarf who’d grown used to looking up at people, and in his eye burned a keen and commanding light. “Yet you call me often. You swear by my beard, beg my son for favours and ask me to take your soul if you are lying.”

A terrible suspicion entered the dwarf’s mind. Suddenly he felt unsteady, and pressed his shoulder against the wall for support.

The figure moved across the floor in four quick strides and stared down at Durkon “You know me.”

Durkon knew the figures name as well as his own, but the realization was so stupefying he couldn’t wrap his head around it, so shook his head instead. “You can’t be…”

“You know I am. I am Allfather and lord, wizard and fool, and I have as many names as there are ways to die. I am called Father of Men, and World Builder, Terror and Evil Worker, Chieftain and Wanderer, and Lord of the Earth.”

“I am called Glad of War, and Father of Victory, Singer, Deceiver and Father of Hosts. I am called Grímnir and Highest, Mighty One and Battle God, and many other things.”

A dark shape formed behind him in the shadows, slinking over behind him, a lean, grey shape with burning, yellow eyes. It’s twin loped behind it, catching up and resting on it’s haunches, it’s gaze not wavering from the dwarf for so much as a second.

“My wolves are Geri and Freki, my ravens are Memory and Thought, and my horse is Sleipnir.” Two enormous, scruffy carrion eaters alight on each of his shoulders, pressing their sharp beaks in his ear, their red eyes fixing on the dwarf.

“I am Odin.” He said, his chin jutting as though proud at the very mention of his name. "And I have a proposition for you."

I said I'd read it, and I'm glad I did.

Durkon was pretty well done. I liked his thought processes with the stairs and stuff, and his inability to answer the elf's questions. But I dunno if he'd have threatened to kill the unknown speaker right off the bat, since he's usually very level-headed and self-controlled, and he usually tries to avoid fights. So threats kinda seem... odd, coming from him. Also, who was the elf?

I think Odin was great, though. He gave of a strong sense of power, pride, and knowledge. His words were wise, mysterious, and well-spoken. His identity's revelation had a very nice dramatic build up, even if the reader already knew who he was.

I must say, I can't wait for more.

[Cracklord]

And once more I am overshadowed by the best writer on the forum. But if someone is going to outclass me, I'm glad they do it so well.
Excellent. You could cut the emotion with a knife. I demand more!
BUT WHY IS BELKAR STILL ALIVE?

I said I'd read it, and I'm glad I did.

Durkon was pretty well done. I liked his thought processes with the stairs and stuff, and his inability to answer the elf's questions. But I dunno if he'd have threatened to kill the unknown speaker right off the bat, since he's usually very level-headed and self-controlled, and he usually tries to avoid fights. So threats kinda seem... odd, coming from him. Also, who was the elf?

I think Odin was great, though. He gave of a strong sense of power, pride, and knowledge. His words were wise, mysterious, and well-spoken. His identity's revelation had a very nice dramatic build up, even if the reader already knew who he was.

I must say, I can't wait for more.

Well yes, but he's in a labyrinth of doom, and would naturally expect anyone he runs into to be an enemy.
Incidently, did you know Odin has 200 names at least? That's pretty damn impressive.
And the girl was Lien (of course). The elf was V, who was exploring the same labyrinth when s/he met Morathi. I'm going to try and hammer all my recent stories into one continuity, starting with Belkar's adventures in hell. So soon I will be writing about an Order theat includes Belkar the demon thrall, V the Slaaneshian hedonist, Durkon the magnificent bastard chessmaster who mannipulates the rest of the order, and so on.

By the way, just wondering, does anyone else start to automatically see their pairings as canon? I have convinced myself that Durkon and Lien actually have a thing, and I can no longer write Durkon with other people. Even when I read the strip I see them together. Even when I read someone elses fanfiction I see them together. I think, 'No, Lien wouldn't do that, she's with Durkon.'
I infact found myself trailing through the archives totally supprised when I found no evidence of this pairing.

[The Dark Fiddler]

By the way, just wondering, does anyone else start to automatically see their pairings as canon?

Yes, and not just my favorite pairings either, and not just this fandom either.

I think it just goes with shipping.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Nah, not really. I'm good at keeping a level head in such things.

School and grades on the other hand...

[Meg]

I'm not sure how happy I am with it, but I always get that feeling before I get feedback, so I'm not too worried. Enjoy!

... They don't make a enough smilies to express my reaction to this. Like seriously, they don't.

And by the way? I'm not misting up. There's sand in my eyes. Really.

[Kaytara]

Wow. Water-Smurf, you keep astounding me. That was so touching. I'm not really able to articulate how strongly it touched me into words... Just... amazing, okay?

A few little things, though... So, how old is Tiasal? She must be as old as Haley and Elan's teenage son, but the part at the end about six years... she stopped speaking six years ago? Why?

Right-Eye's inclusion in the story was interesting. So... what's with the glowing? Is he there as a ghost?

Oh, and one little nitpick. I think you misunderstood the "rounds per level" rule of Soulbinding. It's rounds per caster level. As in, the level of the one doing the Soulbinding. So if someone of V's level did it, they'd have about 14 rounds to do it, while Xykon would have over 20 rounds' time. The level of the person being Soul Bound is only relevant because you need a more expensive gem to store a higher level person's soul. But it's not that big a deal, I mean, it's just a throwaway line, not a plot point.

[The Succubus]

I really am thinking the whole awards thing is kind of redundant after reading the ?final? part of Water-Smurf's epic tale.

That truly was beautiful, Smurf. Thank you.

[half-halfling]

Water-smurf's story was awesome! For me it could have even been longer . One thing howewer bothers me -where is Roy and Celia's child ?
edit: and quickly-made picture of Tiasal and Terentius from fhe final scene.

[La Chatte Noire]

There's only one thing that bugs me about VxRC. Involves SoD spoilers.

Spoiler

Show

Redcloak needs an arcane caster to enact the second half of The Plan. He's set on Xykon at current because he already has Xykon on board in addition to plenty of less than savory events concerning Right-Eye. But what would prevent Redcloak from recognizing that V is also a powerful arcane spellcaster and thus putting two and two together?

Basically, what's to prevent Redcloak and Varsuvius from running off to enact The Plan alone? Especially if Redcloak describes the whole not-actually-a-threat-to-the-world-ness of The Plan?

[Sstoopidtallkid]

There's only one thing that bugs me about VxRC. Involves SoD spoilers.

Spoiler

Show

Redcloak needs an arcane caster to enact the second half of The Plan. He's set on Xykon at current because he already has Xykon on board in addition to plenty of less than savory events concerning Right-Eye. But what would prevent Redcloak from recognizing that V is also a powerful arcane spellcaster and thus putting two and two together?

Basically, what's to prevent Redcloak and Varsuvius from running off to enact The Plan alone? Especially if Redcloak describes the whole not-actually-a-threat-to-the-world-ness of The Plan?

Xykon. We're talking about an epic-level CE Lich. They don't usually take well to being dumped.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Aww, that pic's adorable!

[Meg]

Xykon. We're talking about an epic-level CE Lich. They don't usually take well to being dumped.

Does anyone take well to being dumped? Also, Redcloak mentions at some point that if he's not working for Xykon, he's working against him. And heavens knows, the last thing he needs is more high-level enemies.

[Saeyan]

Aww, Water-smurf, that was cute. I'd make some small changes with regards to grammar and style at some points, but overall, very well done as always.

Cracklord: As Lycan said, Odin is very nicely done, though I thought Durkon would recognize him once he saw the eye. I got a little confused while reading but I think that's because I haven't been really following the rest of the story.

Also:

It’s = It is, e.g. it's Wednesday morning.
Its = possessive term like Roy's sword, e.g. the beast circled me, its eyes glowing savagely in the dark.

And some tense inconsistency at the end - "Two enormous, scruffy carrion eaters alight on each of his shoulders, pressing their sharp beaks in his ear, their red eyes fixing on the dwarf" when everything else is in past tense.

Also #2, because I seem to have a habit of posting stuff in edits which no one sees:

Spoiler

Show

Spoiler

Show

Okay so I kind of suck at drawing stuff on a computer. It always messes up my sense of proportion...

Remember that V-in-a-sailor-uniform picture I posted aeons ago? Neither do I. But anyway...

Spoiler

Show

This is the part where I prostrate myself in front of Kaytara and confess, weeping, that I cannot do shadows at all. Also, Discord, I wasn't able to fit in the doll...but I left Miko on the nametag. To be honest it started out as Miko actually, which is why the hair is pulled back.

Also #3:

Spoiler

Show

You turn; and oh gods there is the most beautiful elf you have ever seen. Granted, you have not seen many elves in your lifetime, but she is beautiful nevertheless. Violet eyes set in a pale, smooth face, framed by deep purple hair. This is the personification of what Sabine haunts you with every night.
You look into her eyes, and almost giddy with excitement find out how she truly feels about these missions, these "friends": the same way you do. Oh, she tries to hide it but for a moment it is clear as the gems of the Underdark, glittering dangerously, tinged with malice.

You both deserve more than this, more than following a ragtag group of adventurers around just because no one else will take you in. You are the same. One. Drow and elf. Elf and drow. Together you will be invincible, oh, the power, sweet, sweet power.

^ copied from a notebook which I use on nights when insomnia strikes.
...I need to sleep more. I can't even bear to read my own writing now.

Edit: (I really need to stop with the edits) - Dark Fiddler, Oracle's self-insert fic was very funny indeed.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Oh God, now the drow is doing the bad self-insert fan-fiction?!

Nice V-in-a-sailor-outfit picture though. I give you two rounds to live.

[Saeyan]

You want bad self-insert fic? This is bad self-insert fic.

Spoiler

Show

=== Vaarsuvius' Diary (SECRET!! DO NOT READ!) ===
14 September 1409 -- Monday -- Partially Cloudy

Aarindarius and Vaarsuvius were walking together in the park. They sat down for a rest and Aarindarius saw some butterflies flying by. They were very pretty butterflies, and one was purple and one was lilac and they were spiralling around each other.

"Aren't those butterflies beautiful?" asked Aarindarius. "They are just like you and me."

Vaarsuvius was head over heels with joy. "I love you, Aarindarius!" she exclaimed. "I love you too, Vaarsuvius!" Aarindarius responded happily. Then they got married and became famous magic teachers and lived happily ever after.

The end.

From thread one.

I give you two rounds to live.

Huh?

[The Dark Fiddler]

Hey, hey, hey... page 20...

If we reach page 21, we'll have grown past the OotS Fanservice threads!

This is a momentous occasion.

[Dark Faun]

Also, Discord, I wasn't able to fit in the doll...but I left Miko on the nametag. To be honest it started out as Miko actually, which is why the hair is pulled back.

Ah, Japanese schoolgirls and their learning romances with each other.

[esmerelder]

Ah, Japanese schoolgirls and their learning romances with each other.

One day I really do have to go back and finish that Miko/Lien I was working on...

Water-Smurf, amazing work as always *sighs enviously*. Such adorable spawnfic, and I love the idea of there being a brief window of time when Haley and Elan's kids and the elven children would be able to play together. It will be so weird, not to mention kinda heartbreaking, when Abram is middle-aged and Tiasal is still just barely a teenager, though. And of course, I love the adorable illustration by Half-Halfling, as well! So cute.

It's slightly off-topic, but I was thinking about the 'Village Bike' category in the awards, and the fact that it's pretty much a foregone conclusion, and realised something really interesting. In many ways, Elan is the member of the Order who seems to be almost set up as fangirl-bait (he's got the good looks, the sensitivity, the slight aura of girliness), but he's also probably the member who gets the least fic love, at least from what I've seen so far. I'm not complaining -- for personal preference, I'd definitely rather read and write stories about V, Belkar, or Roy -- but I do think it's really interesting, and wondered if anyone has any theories about why we all seem to gravitate away from Elan.

[Dark Faun]

That's because Elan's no angst material.

[The Dark Fiddler]

theories about why we all seem to gravitate away from Elan.

I dunno, maybe he's too happy-go-lucky to picture cheating on Haley.

I, myself, can't see them breaking up any time soon, and I doubt Haley would cheat on him either.

[Dark Faun]

I can't either, and I ship Haley x V.

Of course, the real question is: would either of them mind if the other slept with somebody else as long as they could join in?

[CoffeeIncluded]

Erm...Considering Haley's Latent Bisexuality.

...No. I don't think so. THREESOME FIC!!!

[Mystic Muse]

I request Haley/Roy fanfic. Preferably something revolving around Elan and Celia being killed by Belkar and then Haley/Roy killing him.

after that let your imagination go wild. (believe me. I tried writing this. I just suck.)

[Closak]

I request ABD x Elan.


This is gonna be good




What?

[Sstoopidtallkid]

I can't either, and I ship Haley x V.

Of course, the real question is: would either of them mind if the other slept with somebody else as long as they could join in?

I have a terrible idea that I blame on you. However, since I don't have time to write it, I'm tossing it out for anyone else to use.

VxHaleyxElan, using the '2 Vs' theory.