3.5 e Was there any real way to beat the Killer penguin in a fair fight?

[Volkov]

A few years back, before I became a DM, I had a pretty sadistic but still fun DM where we played a game where we fought against the evil humans. After hitting level 75, we started running into a monster called a Killer penguin, who easily kicked our rear ends. But when we faced the final enemy in the long campaign after reaching level 175. The moment we killed it, we had to face a killer penguin. We only won due to all of the non-human gods coming to our aid when we managed to destroy the generators a sort of barrier that kept out of the divine would drop, and they barely did enough damage to smite it dead.

Here are it's stats that he gave to me when I asked him for it about a week afterwards. I copied them word for word. Warning, it's a big post.

Size/Type: Huge Magical Beast.
Hit Dice:3,000d10+1,200,000(1,204,500)
Initiative: N/A Always goes first.
Speed: 1,000 feet, 5,000 swim, 500 burrow, 15,000 fly.
Armor class:908 all(+300 natural armor, +200 Deflection, +50 Profane, +50 Luck, +50 divine, +50 sacred, +50 insight +150 dexterity -2 size)
Base Attack/Grapple:+3,000/+3,408
Attack: Peck +3,398(100d%+400)
Full attack: Peck +3,398(100d%+400 17-20 x4), Two kicks +3,398(50d%+325 17-20 x4), Bite +3,398(100d%+325 17-20 x4), Two wing +3,398(50d%+325 17-20 x4), two stamps +3,398(150d%+325 17-20 x6) two slam +3,398(250d%+325 17-20 x4) Super Peck(250d%+550 17-20 x12) 16 quills+3,398(25d%+325 17-20 x4) can be thrown, eight tentacle slaps +3,398(25d%+325 17-20 x4, eight tentacle rakes +3,398(25d%+325 17-20 x4), tail slap +3,398(200d%+400 17-20 x4), gore +3,398 (250d%+400 17-20 x10)
Space/Reach: 15/15(30 for peck, bite, gore and super peck. 45 feet for tail slap, 60 feet for tentacles)
Special attacks:Super peck, Improved grapple, swallow whole, trample, powerful charge, screech, rake, rend, pounce, earthquake, Heat beams, Frost breath, quill fire, ability drain, corrosive spit, lightning bolts Spell-like abilities, spells, Turn or rebuke undead, outsiders, elements, elementals, constrict, tail sweep, crush.
Special qualities: Immunity to epic magic, Spell Resistance 25,000, Regeneration 50,000, Fast healing 100,000, immunity to non-descript energy types, fire resistance 25,000, cold immunity, electricity resistance 25,000, acid resistance 25,000, sonic immunity. DR 300/+50 good, chaotic, adamantine, bludgeoning, and piercing. Immunity to death effects, poison, disease, energy drain, prismatic effects, polymorph, blindness, deafness, daze effects, stun effects, paralysis, petrification, mind affecting effects, unwilling teleportation, critical hits, sneak attacks, alignment related effects, ability damage, ability drain, Transdimensional attacks, true sight, darkvision 10,000 feet, low light vision x 50, scent, keen scent 750,000 feet, blind sight 500,000 feet, blind sense 1,500,000 feet, tremor sense 2,250,000 feet.
Skills:1,823,392 skill points to spend.
Feats:1,150 to spend.
Saves: Fort+2,400, Ref+2,400, Will+1,400.
Abilities:Str 310, Dex 310, Con 310, Int 310, Wis 310, Cha 310.
Environment: any.
CR: A lot.
Organization: Any
Treasure: Quadruple Standard.
Alignment: Lawful evil.
Advancement:3,001-9,000(Huge), 9,001-27,000(Gargantuan), 27,001-81,000(Colossal), 81,001+(Colossal+)

Spell-like abilities: A Killer penguin can choose up to three thousand spells for it's spell like abilities. Caster level is 3,000, Save DC is 1,650+ spell level.
Spells: A Killer penguin can cast spells as if it had 3,000 levels in Cleric, Druid, Sorcerer, or Wizard.
Turn or Rebuke: A Killer penguin can choose to turn and destroy or rebuke, and command, undead, outsiders, elemental, or any creature with an elemental subtype as a level 3,000 cleric.
Energy attacks: All of a killer penguins energy attacks deal 500d% damage, lightning bolts and heat beams are 1,000 foot lines, frost breath, corossive spit, and Sonic screech are 375 foot cones. All DC's are 1,650
Regeneration: Only a weapon forged in the future by a sleep walking deity, which was then thrown into the far realm and later retrieved can deal lethal damage to a killer penguin.
Super peck: This attack can use up to twice the Killer penguins strength modifier.
Quills: These can be thrown up to a hundred range increcements, each being 1,000 feet long.
Low light vision: A Killer penguin can see 50 times better than a human can.
Earthquake: By stomping on the ground, a killer penguin can create an immensely powerful earthquake, one with ten thousand times the radius of effect of the spell, in addition any time the earthquake encounters water, it creates a tsunami.
Constrict:A killer penguin that successfully attacks an opponent with it's tail or tentacle slaps/rakes can begin to squeeze, dealing 250D%+475 damage per round.
Rend: A Killer penguin that hits with both kicks can tear at the flesh, dealing 100d%+475 damage.
Rake: A killer penguin that hits with both kicks or two tentacle rakes can claw at it's enemy, dealing 100D%+475 damage.
Tail sweep: A killer penguin can sweep it's tail in a full circle with a radius of 45 feet, dealing tail slap damage to any it hits and knocking them away as if they were hit by an awesome blow, Reflex DC 1,650 for half damage.
Crush: A killer penguin that pins or lands on an enemy can begin to crush it with it's weight, dealing 300D%+550 damage per round.
Trample: A Huge killer penguin can trample any enemy that is large or smaller, dealing 200d%+475 damage, reflex DC of 1,650 for half, an attack of oppurtunity can be taken at a -4 penalty, but this forfeits a chance of a reflex saving throw.
Swallow whole: A penguin that successfully grapples with it's mouth can swallow an enemy, where it will take 100d%+400 bludgeoning damage per round, as well as taking 25d% damage from flesh-eating bacteria per round, in addition, they will take 50d% of each energy type per round. One can cut their way out of the stomach by dealing 1,000 damage to the gizzard (AC 310) any hole created heals over rapidly and is closed by muscular action. Alternatively one can attempt to attempt another grapple check to get out, or they can make a DC 40 will save to go through the Scenic route through the digestive system, any one who takes this route will emerge from the bird's rear end within one round, and will be nauseated for three rounds, and be sickened for six more. A Huge Killer penguin can hold 2 medium creatures, 8 small, 512 tiny, 512^3 diminuitive creatures, and 512^3^3 fine in it's gizzard.
Immune to Epic magic: All epic level spells are useless against it, whether they are used directly or indirectly.
Immune to non-descript energy: any form of energy attack that lacks a specific type deals no damage to the killer penguin.


As you can see, we had problems. Which were compounded by the effect of the area's god repelling barrier, so we had to break the barrier and hope the gods could do it in. So would a level 175 party of a Black scale lizard folk fighter, an ultralithid psion, a kobold ranger, a poison dusk lizard folk rogue, a lizard folk druid, and a human lich cleric be able to do him in, or did we really just do the only thing that could have been done.

[The Glyphstone]

Yes. Fold up your character sheets into a ball, pin your DM to the chair, and shove the ball of paper down his throat. Once he stops struggling and/or breathing, award yourself an entire campaign's worth of XP at once, since you have defeated the DM.

[Volkov]

Yes. Fold up your character sheets into a ball, pin your DM to the chair, and shove the ball of paper down his throat. Once he stops struggling and/or breathing, award yourself an entire campaign's worth of XP at once, since you have defeated the DM.

It was a fun battle, and while he was sadistic, we still enjoyed him because he was a really damned compelling story teller and was really good at making even the most stupidly hard challenge fun. Plus...None of the other players would have gone through with that plan.

[UglyPanda]

Level 75?

By level 40 (Actually much sooner, but I'm simplifying), you can stop time forever with no effort.

You stop time, open up a rift in the universe by your favorite method, and send your penguin buddy to a different dimension. He's Pun-Pun's problem after that.

[The Glyphstone]

Curious...what was fun about it? You can only hit it in natural 20s, do no damage, can't hurt it with any attacks or spells. Doesn't really sound like fun if all you do is sit around while the DM narrates how the battle goes to you.

[The Dark Fiddler]

Demand he roll every die of everything by hand, and that he writes out every spell like ability.

[Volkov]

Level 75?

By level 40 (Actually much sooner, but I'm simplifying), you can stop time forever with no effort.

You stop time, open up a rift in the universe by your favorite method, and send your penguin buddy to a different universe.

He was immune to teleportation against his will, which as my DM put relativity into the game, meant time stop too, as well as rifts. The Casters tried it, he shattered the time stop and smacked the caster with a peck.

[holywhippet]

Mirror of opposition.

[Volkov]

Curious...what was fun about it? You can only hit it in natural 20s, do no damage, can't hurt it with any attacks or spells. Doesn't really sound like fun if all you do is sit around while the DM narrates how the battle goes to you.

I was only meant to hold of the damned bird with the ranger, rogue, cleric, and druid, while the psion got to destroying the generators.

[UglyPanda]

I reiterate the "What was the fun of it?" statement.

It looks like it was made of fiat and lose. I'm sure whatever plan you can up with to fight it would've been negated.

All you do in that case is to hold a penguin puppet show and have them sing an aria every so often. Actually, that does sound like fun.

*Note to self: Figure out how to get players to hold a puppet show*

[Lamech]

oh yea of little faith. Tainted Scholar, dweamerkeeper, supernatural wish to the face, enjoy your trip into a sphere of annilation. Hope it doesn't roll a natural twenty. While your at it kill a pantheon with the same wish. No its immunity does not apply to wish, as its a local effect.

Alternitvly ice assassin and life or death.

[Tavar]

No, there's no way to defeat it. After all, the real ability it has is this:
The Killer Penguin cannot be defeated by any means except Plan A. Any attempt to do so automatically fails.

Plan A consists of whatever you did to defeat it.

[Volkov]

I reiterate the "What was the fun of it?" statement.

It looks like it was made of fiat and lose. I'm sure whatever plan you can up with to fight it would've been negated.

It was treated like one of those video game bosses that you cannot beat directly, but instead you are forced to use a more clever routine than, smash it until it dies. In this case, we let down the barrier by smashing the generators, and at least ten thousand gods smited it with the fury of a thousand suns.

[Logalmier]

I think I just figured out what the MitD is.

[Foryn Gilnith]

Get telepathy. Get 1337 diplomancy powers. Get Greater Celerity. Use greater celerity to diplomance it into being your willing slave as soon as it comes within telepathy range.

[Ponce]

A few years back, before I became a DM, I had a pretty sadistic but still fun DM where we played a game where we fought against the evil humans. After hitting level 75

This is about where my eyes glazed over and I had to close the browser tab before my brain matter started seeping out of my ears.

[Lamech]

Dope up the ubercharger with 5000+ some strains of lycanthropy. Don't forget the dire and legandary and dire legandary and stains. Divine power. (UMD its a cross class for lycanthropes.) Ubercharge. That will ruin its day.

If you dope up the dweamperkeeper cleric with those strains the cleric can supernaturally implode it.

[Tavar]

This is about where my eyes glazed over and I had to close the browser tab before my brain matter started seeping out of my ears.

Worse. That's not even half the level that they ended at. What the hell do you do with 175 levels? I mean, what feats are left?

[ericgrau]

Mirror of opposition.

Constantly active foresight warns him not to look in the mirror. Or even if he did the double doesn't have all the buffs that he does, so it's behind in power. It'd be a good start though. Next comes a second mirror of opposition.

[Volkov]

Get telepathy. Get 1337 diplomancy powers. Get Greater Celerity. Use greater celerity to diplomance it into being your willing slave as soon as it comes within telepathy range.

Would simply speaking to it work, I'm pretty sure with it's intelligence score it would speak pretty much any language.

[Volkov]

Worse. That's not even half the level that they ended at. What the hell do you do with 175 levels? I mean, what feats are left?

He made at least a hundred of his own feats from scratch. He was quite the fan of homebrewing anything he needed.

[Pharaoh's Fist]

Fair fight against that DM fiat?

Try Pun-Pun.

[Inhuman Bot]

Worse. That's not even half the level that they ended at. What the hell do you do with 175 levels? I mean, what feats are left?

...175? ._.

That's not D&D, that's rifts!

Can cast spells as if it had 3,000 levels

.....
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[KillianHawkeye]

No.

This... thing... has arbitrarily high stats and is immune to everything, so unless you are also doing arbitrarily high amounts of damage with the impossibly-magical-sword-from-the-future-that-is-the-only-effective-weapon-in-the-universe, you cannot do anything.


In related news: your DM is a jerk.

[SparkMandriller]

Why would you bother statting that monster? Your DM must like wasting his time. :/


also pun pun.

[Akal Saris]

Well, they were level 175, after all - personally, I'd like to see what a 175 lizardfolk fighter's feat list looks like

[Eldariel]

All the classic TO things could deal sufficient damage to it to kill it. The problem is that with its spellcasting, it's going to be immune to being dealt damage and it's also going to be immune to dying. Therefore it doesn't even matter if you smite it with 5*10^19 damage since that doesn't faze it one bit. You'd need that + Disjunction (which luckily removes all spells regardless of CL).

That would work with enough characters capable of casting Celerity and the prerequisite spells and dealing epic damage. It doesn't seem to have Epic Spellcasting nor any equipment which means it's limited to just one immediate action worth of answers.


So yeah, pick up a bunch of guys with Hulking Hurler damage, enchanted boulders and so on, Celerity > Disjunction it a couple of times until it runs out of contingencies/celerities/etc. (or just Supernatural Disjunction it with Dweomerkeeper, Initiate of Mystra if it's using AMF or something) and throw a giant rock at it.

It'll take damage which requires scientific notation to express properly and dies 'cause all its buffs just got stripped. A single character with enough crafted Celerities could really pull it off. With Epic Spellcasting or proper equipment, it'd be immortal...or not, since it's immune to Epic Spells and thus cannot Ward itself in any relevant manner.

[Bob]

I wouldn't venture into this thread w/o a Hammer of Thunderbolts.

[Lycanthromancer]

DC 150 to Diplomacize it into fanatacism (with an additional penalty to pull it off as a Standard action). Done.

Also, cast a sending to its mother, and tell her what a disappointment her Killer Penguin son is. Offer to teleport her to you so she can speak to him in person.

Also, a bag of holding/portable hole combo. It's not teleportation; it's ripping the fabric of space-time and pulling everything through.

Make it watch every episode of Saved By the Bell. There's no making THAT will save.

Also, if you get your metamagic reducers going on recursive, there's always a Heightened dominate monster from your resident nightmare spinner.

Assuming that it doesn't have the divine ability to never fail on a natural 1, take a psion and his psicrystal, research a version of affinity field that reflects 9th level effects. Share affinity field +1 between yourself and your psicrystal. Manifest a normal affinity field, sharing it with your psicrystal, and making sure the fields overlap. You and your psicrystal are now affected by an infinite number of affinity fields. Now, dimension door up to the penguin, and cast something that deals at least 1 hp of damage. The penguin takes infinite damage from infinite sources, and will succeed and fail at an infinite number of DR and SR checks. It dies.

Add 11 levels of factotum to a Cindy build. Congratulations; you can now ignore SR and DR completely, and can deal several hundreds of thousands of damage each round.

[Drider]

*Note to self: Figure out how to get players to hold a puppet show*

You need to FORCE players to do puppet shows? Do they at least quote monty python?