I still have family that does not respect my chosen name. What should I do?

[Pika...]

So (3ish?) years after my name change I am still having problems with some family members not respecting my chosen name. They either still keep messing up, or they flat out refuse to call me by my new/true name. The later is truly insulting, and the biggest culprit is one of my cousins who says "That's just dumb and his name is xxxx".

I know it might seem to some like an insignificant thing, but it turns out one's name is a truly personal thing.

[Marillion]

I would understand how frustrating it can be, but ultimately, I don't really think there's anything you CAN do, except to stop associating with the ones who intentionally refuse to call you your chosen name.

[loopy]

May I ask why you changed your name to begin with?

[reorith]

my aunts, uncles, and grandmother on fathers side call me by my father's name as if i'm him. sure i resent this and loath ever syllable of it, but they've done this for the past fifteen years and i'm so not like my father it isn't scrubbing funny. i can empathize with you to an extent with the pain of having family members denigrate one's identity. my solution is to just flat out ignore it and even respond to it, sure i'm me and my father was his own individual but if they call my/his name, i have to be the one to respond. you are more than your name, it doesn't matter how they call you.

and if that doesn't work, spend $7.98 on claw hammer and drive the point home.

[Pika...]

I would understand how frustrating it can be, but ultimately, I don't really think there's anything you CAN do, except to stop associating with the ones who intentionally refuse to call you your chosen name.

Eh. Sadly I live within a few blocks of ALL my family in the /uS. >_>

May I ask why you changed your name to begin with?

Well, let me put it this way: Just telling you what my old name was and why it was a cultural issue my Hispanic immigrant mother was not aware of might actually get me in trouble here. :/

[Strawberries]

I feel your pain.
Where I came from, it's a common practice to give children the name of their grandfather/grandmother. Problem is, my grandmother had a truly awful name, and my parents didn't like it, so they chose to call me something else. To this date (25-odd years lather) there are still people in my father's family who call me by a name that was never my name to begin with, because "that is the tradition". It is utterly frustrating but it was worse when I was very little and couldn't understand why they weren't calling me by my name.

As for actual advice, when I was little I flat-out refused to answer to anything other than my name. Fortunatly we don't see those people very often (read: never) now, so it has become a non-issue. Would refusing to answer to your previous name help?

[Serpentine]

Well, let me put it this way: Just telling you what my old name was and why it was a cultural issue my Hispanic immigrant mother was not aware of might actually get me in trouble here. :/

Was your name a swearword or something?

[Pika...]

Wow.

I had no idea so many other people had similar issues. I figured mine would be near unique.

I feel your pain.
Where I came from, it's a common practice to give children the name of their grandfather/grandmother. Problem is, my grandmother had a truly awful name, and my parents didn't like it, so they chose to call me something else. To this date (25-odd years lather) there are still people in my father's family who call me by a name that was never my name to begin with, because "that is the tradition". It is utterly frustrating but it was worse when I was very little and couldn't understand why they weren't calling me by my name.

As for actual advice, when I was little I flat-out refused to answer to anything other than my name. Fortunatly we don't see those people very often (read: never) now, so it has become a non-issue. Would refusing to answer to your previous name help?

One of the reasons I made this thread was because I am considering just that.


Also, may I ask where you came from? That seems much more serious than my issue.

[Pika...]

Was your name a swearword or something?

Well, it can be used as a swear word I guess. That, or if you hit your toe against something. LoL.

[Serpentine]

Well, it can be used as a swear word I guess. That, or if you hit your toe against something. LoL.

=.=

Damn? 4-letter f-word? C-word? S-word? Racially vilifying word for black person (though why you'd use that if you hit your toe...)? Um... I dunno.
But I really wanna know, now!

Interesting reason to change your name, though... Did you have it changed legally? What if, in family context, you allowed your original name to be considered a nick name sort of thing? And/or try putting your new name to the family members as a nick-name you prefer over your "real" (to them) name? It'd really just effect your own psychology, but still...

[Dienekes]

Personally, if my name was a curse I'd probably find it hilarious (mine is an old word for penis, which I'm delightfully proud of, but an actual curse word would have been awesome)

But this is you so, that's out apparently. Really though, let them. Sure family can be annoying about such things, but that's one of families greatest skills. Roll with the punches and all that, introduce yourself by your chosen name to everyone you meet so that's what they know you as and it won't spread but outside getting incredibly angry and yelling at them (making yourself look whiny and insecure in the process) there's not much you can do.

I'd also advice against refusing to answer to them for the same reasons as yelling at them, but it's your life and your name, so go crazy.

[Pika...]

=.=

Damn? 4-letter f-word? C-word? S-word? Racially vilifying word for black person (though why you'd use that if you hit your toe...)? Um... I dunno.
But I really wanna know, now!

LoL.

Sorry.

I was named after the deity Jesus.

This kinda emphasizes one of the issues. EVERY week I had at least one argument over the name with either a religious person, a ant-religious person, someone who merely refused to say my name (the proper/English way I prefer as an English speaker), and every semester there was at least one teacher on my case about it.

And since I have had issues here in the past about politics and religion I did not want to say it or the above. >.> ... <.< ... >.>


However, I do occasionally go by the nickname "The Atheist Formally known as Jesus".

Oh, and I gamed for a good long time with another player named Thor. That was fun.

[Strawberries]

Also, may I ask where you came from? That seems much more serious than my issue.

I'm from Italy, and it isn't actually such a big issue in the country as a whole. In the south of the country (where I'm from) it's somewhat more of a tradition and is considered a nice way to pay homage to the grandparents, but isn't of course seen as mandatory-most people just call their children whatever they wish.
It's just that I am from a very little, very backward, very close-minded little town, and my father's family are very close-minded people, so "a nice tradition to respect if you like" became in their view "law that breaking means disrespecting your grandmother".
As I said, is never been an issue outside that very restrict group of people, and fortunately we don't see them any more

[Pika...]

Personally, if my name was a curse I'd probably find it hilarious (mine is an old word for penis, which I'm delightfully proud of, but an actual curse word would have been awesome)

But this is you so, that's out apparently. Really though, let them. Sure family can be annoying about such things, but that's one of families greatest skills. Roll with the punches and all that, introduce yourself by your chosen name to everyone you meet so that's what they know you as and it won't spread but outside getting incredibly angry and yelling at them (making yourself look whiny and insecure in the process) there's not much you can do.

I'd also advice against refusing to answer to them for the same reasons as yelling at them, but it's your life and your name, so go crazy.

Well, I am also debating calling them by different names. The cousin in particular I was thinking of calling Jasmine (sine I was at Disney World today).

[Serpentine]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooh. Okay, makes sense. So you prefer to pronounce it with the "hard" J, rather than "hasoos"*? Did your parents intend it that way?
Here, I don't think it'd be all that much of a problem. Probably some double-takes and the occasional, "your parents were religious then, huh?" I can't really imagine anyone starting up religious arguments over your name, though. Not Down Under. But yeah, it's a pretty understandable reason to change your name.
So what's your new one, then, if you don't mind my asking? And have you had it legally changed?



*Or, as I prefer to say it, "Hey, Zeus!"

[Krade]

Hmm... with my incredibly patchy understanding of Hispanic naming, the most "controversial" name I can think of is 'Jesus' (Pronounced: Hay-soos [or something like that]). The only problem I can see with that is that most Americans are likely to pronounce the other way.

Of course, I'm probably wrong, so feel free to ignore me.

I wouldn't advise cutting off ties. Family is family, and while I've never had this kind of problem with mine, I doubt it could make me want to cut them out. So far, only one person I'm related to has managed me not wanting to ever interact with them and that was done with expressing racism (any racist is no family of mine).

Edit: Wow, ninja'd hardcore. And I was right

[Pika...]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooh. Okay, makes sense. So you prefer to pronounce it with the "hard" J, rather than "hasoos"*? Did your parents intend it that way?
Here, I don't think it'd be all that much of a problem. Probably some double-takes and the occasional, "your parents were religious then, huh?" I can't really imagine anyone starting up religious arguments over your name, though. Not Down Under. But yeah, it's a pretty understandable reason to change your name.
So what's your new one, then, if you don't mind my asking? And have you had it legally changed?



*Or, as I prefer to say it, "Hey, Zeus!"

Yeah, I got Zeus a lot. Hmm...in hindsight perhaps switching names over to another deity would have been amusing..

And yeah, it was dumb. It's like people getting mad and telling me "No! It's is pronounced Tomato not Tomato!" or "No! Your name is Jesus, NOT Jesus!". One of the most common ways it went, yet one of the most irritating went Me: "Hi. I am *insert my name*.", Her/Him: "No, I will not call you that.".

Are you Australian? I asked because you said down under. If so, trust me when I say the stereotype of their being a lot of backwardness here in the US in terms of this stuff is not wrong sadly.


And yes, it is all legal. Took a lot of paperwork and About $360-something I believe in getting the paperwork+the court processing fee.

As for my name, thank you for asking. It is Matthias Elven Drake. I got my first name from my first "big boy book" as a kid (Redwall), I have been fascinated by dragons since I can remember. Though my middle name is a bit less well thought out...

You see, I had been thinking about my name change from my second year of high school up until my second year of college when I finally had enough and drove to my local court office to start the process. So even though I had been thinking of my first and last name for years, and I had a good few months of tracking down the needed paperwork, it was not until around two weeks before my court date that I got the sheet I had to fill out and saw the space for the middle name. I was like:

I ended up opening my PHB (3.5 at the time!), and found myself taking a long look at some of my favorite and most memorable art of when I started gaming and in the process changing my life and delving far deeper into my passion for high fantasy. It is in the first few pages under Races. It is the artwork comparing the Elves and Half-Elves to Humans. I have always also loved Elves, and though I appear very Orcish on the outside I have always felt a yearning for an Elvish style of being. So Elven ended up being my middle name.

[Serpentine]

Yeah, I got Zeus a lot. Hmm...in hindsight perhaps switching names over to another deity would have been amusing..

YUS! I recomment Apollo, or if you want to go with a similar sort of religious figure, Mithras.

One of the most common ways it went, yet one of the most irritating went Me: "Hi. I am *insert my name*.", Her/Him: "No, I will not call you that.".

Lame. The closest I get to that is people refusing to accept that my name is not Jessica.

Are you Australian? I asked because you said down under.

Yup. The closest you'd get to the above aggravation is people trying to show how knowledgable about the background you must have, or semi-feigning interest in it. And then making assumptions behind your back. "Jesus" and "God" just aren't automatically taboo here, in my experience (at least in context).

And yes, it is all legal. Took a lot of paperwork and About $360-something I believe in getting the paperwork+the court processing fee.

Got a copy of the paperwork? Next time they say something about it not being your real name, just throw that at them. Get several copies, and you can literally throw it. I keep a copy of my birth certificate around for pretty much this purpose. Showing, not throwing.

As for my name, thank you for asking. It is Matthias Elven Drake.

Weeeeeeell... To be honest, outside of our sort of group, that sort of response to the latter two names is reasonably understandable Why'd you have to change your other names, though? I can see that that could be annoying, baffling or even hurtful to the rest of your family. But, on the other hand, they don't have to call you by your full name, do they?

[Ichneumon]

I'm sorry, but why do people refuse to call you Jesus? I mean, it's just a name. Jesus was called Jesus too, only because he was named Jesus, right? I can understand react to it weirdly and make remarks, but refusing to call you that... I don't understand.

[sofawall]

I got my first name from my first "big boy book" as a kid (Redwall)

So my first thought upon reading your name was right...

[Pika...]

YUS! I recomment Apollo, or if you want to go with a similar sort of religious figure, Mithras.

LoL.

Well, if I wanted to fit my personality I would probably choose one like Loki. Maybe even go as far as Zagyg in honor of a special hero in my life.

Cegorach (Aka The Great Fool) of the Harlequins also entertains me, but that one is far to obscure.

Lame. The closest I get to that is people refusing to accept that my name is not Jessica.

Hmm. That seems like an interesting story.

What is your name if you do not mind me asking?

Yup. The closest you'd get to the above aggravation is people trying to show how knowledgable about the background you must have, or semi-feigning interest in it. And then making assumptions behind your back. "Jesus" and "God" just aren't automatically taboo here, in my experience (at least in context).

Would have been nice to grow up there with that name. :/

Got a copy of the paperwork? Next time they say something about it not being your real name, just throw that at them. Get several copies, and you can literally throw it. I keep a copy of my birth certificate around for pretty much this purpose. Showing, not throwing.

Well, I can always make photocopies.

That, or just fill up a notepad with Matthias on each page that I carry around.

Love the idea!

Weeeeeeell... To be honest, outside of our sort of group, that sort of response to the latter two names is reasonably understandable Why'd you have to change your other names, though? I can see that that could be annoying, baffling or even hurtful to the rest of your family. But, on the other hand, they don't have to call you by your full name, do they?

They never say my last name (most can not even pronounce the second one).

As for why Ic hanged those? Let's just say the xxxx (male organ) I rode in on did not deserve that I carry his name for the rest of my life, and then pass his last name onto my children.

[Serpentine]

Hmm. That seems like an interesting story.

What is your name if you do not mind me asking?

Jessie. All too often, I have this conversation, especially on the phone:
"Hi, my name's Jessie [X] and I'm calling for [Y]."
"Okay Jessica, if we could just..."
""

Well, I can always make photocopies.

That, or just fill up a notepad with Matthias on each page that I carry around.

I reckon photocopies of the official document would be best.

As for why Ic hanged those? Let's just say the xxxx (male organ) I rode in on did not deserve that I carry his name for the rest of my life, and then pass his last name onto my children.

Also a good reason, but what about your mother's name?

[Don Julio Anejo]

Interesting. Until you told use your name was Jesus, I thought your name was Richard and people insisted on using the short form...

BTW the short form is filtered on this forum

[Serpentine]

Hey, Pika. I thought, originally, that you must've changed your name cuz of transexuality. The bolded "his" in the first post, in particular, suggested this. Now that it's established that that's not the reason, why is the "his" bolded?

And Don: He knows. Thus the "xxxx" where "penis-euphamism" would be, rather than "**** "

[Dallas-Dakota]

Jessie. All too often, I have this conversation, especially on the phone:
"Hi, my name's Jessie

You should find a boyfriend/ good friend who is named James.
And then have a cat toghetter and name him Meowth.

Though this one might be getting a tad old for you. ><

[Purple Rose]

I thought the same thine about the bolded "his," Serpentine. I can definitely relate on this one. I've been trying for some time to get people to acknowledge my chosen name.

[Serpentine]

You should find a boyfriend/ good friend who is named James.
And then have a cat toghetter and name him Meowth.

Though this one might be getting a tad old for you. ><

I used to sit next to a boy called Jesse James in grade 4. Also, Jesse James was an American... what's a US bushranger, again? One of those, anyway, before Pokemon was even thought of

[Purple Rose]

Cowboy, Serpentine. Or gunslinger. Jesse James was a gun-slinging desperado.

[skywalker]

So wait, your mom named you "hey-zeus," but you're not a primary-Spanish speaker, so you liked to pronounce your name "gee-zus," which ticked people off, so you changed it? I'm having a hard time following here.

Anyway, I think first you need to acknowledge that you are not what anyone else calls you. You aren't even really what you call yourself. Tho you may call yourself Matthias, you aren't, really. "Matthias" can't possibly describe you. So really, these things called names are just convenient representative labels for a much larger entity that no one name could contain, nor could thousands of labels ever hope to describe. Neither are you Matthias, nor a man, nor "formerly known as Jesus," nor any of those other things. Seeking to put a label on yourself is self-defeating, putting one on another can be downright cruel. But either way, you shouldn't let it affect you. You are who you are. You are not the label that you or anyone else puts on you.

Failing all that existential (or similar, suitable descriptor) crap aside, I would recommend telling them, simply "I don't like that name. It has been involved in a lot of pain and strife for me in the past, which is why I chose my current name. Please use the current name, since the old one hurts me." Also, cutting family members some slack can be helpful. My girlfriend actually told me right before I met her parents that she changed her name 3 years ago (altho not legally) when she got to college. She warned me of this because her parents still use the old one, and she didn't want to shock me, but she is accepting their use of it because that was her name to them for 17-18 years. Old habits being hard to break and all of that...

I used to sit next to a boy called Jesse James in grade 4. Also, Jesse James was an American... what's a US bushranger, again? One of those, anyway, before Pokemon was even thought of

My great grandfather and his brothers were named Frank, Jesse, and Howard after "old family friends." Howard was, of course, an alias used by Jesse at some point or other.

[Serpentine]

No, that's not the word I'm thinking of, I'm sure of it...

Looks like it's just "outlaw". How dull.