Working background

[McClintock]

So, I am planning a tiefling Swash/Fighter/Dervish and have written her background. He is her background and her basic stats. 32PB

I plan on running he as a pirate type personality with a bit of VELLA from the Eddings books thrown in for spice.

I am looking for suggestions and opinions. One point of note: The thief, LIEF, was a PCs old character who found the hand of Vecna and used it. I am taking a bit of liberty with my character being born a Tiefling, but the DM approves and thinks it will be interesting. We are going to do some low level modules to get us ready for the RED HAND of DOOM. Hopefully this helps with some of your questions.

Jayde Whispersong,

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Female Planetouched, Tiefling SwBklr1: CR 1; Medium Outsider (Native); HD 1d10+2(Swashbuckler) ; hp 12; Init +4; Spd 30; AC:17 (Flatfooted:13 Touch:14); Atk +3 base melee, +5 base ranged; +3 (1d6+2, Scimitar); SA: Darkness (Sp) ; SQ: Subtype: Native, Darkvision (Ex): 60 ft., Resistance: Cold (Ex): 5, Resistance: Electricity (Ex): 5, Resistance: Fire (Ex): 5, No Dual Nature (Ex); AL NG; SV Fort +4, Ref +4, Will +2; STR 14, DEX 18, CON 14, INT 14, WIS 14, CHA 6.
Skills: Bluff +2, Climb +4, Escape Artist +6, Hide +5, Jump +5, Perform (Dance) +0, Profession (Sailor) +5, Swim +1, Tumble +7.

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Jayde's mother was a beautiful elven woman who was seduced by a comely thief at large in the world. The thief, Leif, was tainted by an artifact that he had taken possession of on his adventures. Never quite the same again, Leaf began to travel the world in search of the artifact's second piece.

Realizing the danger that these two artifacts could bring to her and her unborn child, the elven woman ran. Scared for her child's life, she ran to the nearest port city and signed on to the first ship she could find as a scullery maid/ship wench. Jumping ship to ship every few weeks until she landed on a ship with a respectable captain who noticed that she was pregnant, he offered her a permanent place on his ship as a cartographer/navigator (after she demonstrated some ability in that area.) Soon after she and the captain "wed" and he raised the child, Jayde(who was named for her beautiful gold-flecked green eyes), as his own. When the child was still young, a violent storm hit the boat and many are lost, including the child's mother. The captain had grown to love the elven maiden whom had taken refuge on his ship and decided to keep the child and raise her as his own.

Around 10 years of age she began to exhibit some aptitude with sword play and the captain had fashioned a scimitar for her. Soon he began to teach her how to defend herself. She was a quick study, and by the age of 15 she could hold her own against much of the crew.

The taint of the artifact from her father's heritage began to appear at this time. Traces of her planar heritage started to creep in and land-dwellers ridiculed her for her pointy teeth and slightly darker/scaly skin. Being from an ocean going vessel, it was easy to play off the skin as weather beaten and tanned, but the fangs were considerably harder. Taken to wearing veils and remaining quiet when on land as much as possible, people asked if she was one of the court dancers from the far south. To keep the disguise believable, Jayde took up dancing and learned to entertain as a means to earn extra money when in port. Many of the southern patrons remarked at her skill and pointed out that she would make a fine "dervish" guard to their masters, should the captain wish to "part" with her. Though slavery didn't appeal to her, she was intrigued by the concept of the dervish. Every chance she got, she researched the dervish and tried to learn as much as she could about these skilled warriors.

Around her 20th year, her father became stricken with an illness that baffled even the most powerful clerics. It was as he lay on his deathbed that he told her of her mother and her origins. He explained of the fear her mother had of her true father and why she had run to the sea. He asked her not to seek out her father, fearing for her life and promised her that she would always have a home on the Sea Dragon (his ship), so long as one of his sons (of which he had 3) was the captain. (Her brothers knew of her heritage and loved her, but feared her true father's reputation in lieu of her mother's warnings)

After her "father's" death, Jayde has decided to leave the ship and head inland. She wishes to discover more of her heritage, and about these whirling fighters called the dervish. Her mother was loving and had a caring soul, Jayde wishes to learn more about her also. She does not hope to ever meet her father, but is determined to be ready should he ever come calling on her.

[Renrik]

http://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm

[McClintock]

I ask for honest help and I get accused of being a Mary Sue???!??!???

Thanks for nothing.

Anybody actually have an honest criticism?

[Caphi]

That's a perfectly honest criticism. Your character is stunningly beautiful, brilliant at everything she does, loved by everyone, and has eyes that probably don't exist in nature and a deliberately misspelled name. Tone it down.

Also, it's really hard to read something when it swaps tenses every sentence. So fix that too.

[Sydonai]

That's a perfectly honest criticism. Your character is stunningly beautiful, brilliant at everything she does, loved by everyone, and has eyes that probably don't exist in nature and a deliberately misspelled name. Tone it down.

Also, it's really hard to read something when it swaps tenses every sentence. So fix that too.

To be fair, Teiflings rarely have normal eyes, but add something weird to be a little less "perfect". Scales around her joints, a sixth finger on either hand, stuff like that.

[Dust]

http://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm

I know it says right at the top that "Some people say this test is inaccurate, but it's not, you're just a Mary Sue!"

Bull. The test is inaccurate. I pulled a whopping 44 with a cowardly, divorced superhero suffering from Lukemia. I suspect this is because I answered yes to questions such as "Would you want to be their friend in real life?"

[~LuckyBoneDice~]

I agree with the above on Tiefling. I used to run a Tiefling Wizard who was named Pariah.

Tiefling have unusual traits, based on which evil outsider is the parent. In Pariah's case, he looked cat-like (parent was a Rakshasa)

[Telonius]

A tragic backstory alone does not necessarily mean that the character is a Mary Sue. They can be done well, or done poorly. It's all in how you play it.

A legitimate critique of the backstory can be found in the stat block. The character is supposed to have a Charisma of 6. Somebody with a personality that weak or grating is generally not going to be held in high regard by the three brothers. The captain might be a softie or raising her out of a sense of love or duty, but the sons and the crew...? Just doesn't make sense from my perspective.

My advice is to figure out just why her force of personality is so weak. Does she not care? Is she not aware? Is she resentful, or sullen, or annoyingly emo? Or is she more of a follower, afraid to strike out on her own, haunted by the prospect of losing what she does have? Or maybe just somebody who's living vicariously through others?

[McClintock]

The taint of the artifact from her fathers heritage began to appear at this time. Traces of her planar heritage started to creep in and land-dwellers ridiculed her for her pointy teeth and slightly darker/scaly skin. Being from an ocean going vessel, it was easy to play off the skin as weather beaten and tanned, but the fangs were considerably harder.

As far as the charisma of 6, as a member of the crew from birth, she has been accepted by them as "normal." Ever have that friend who is annoying to the rest of the world, but is a best bud to you? He'd annoy a dripping faucet by being in the same room, but would lay down his life for you in an instant.

Her idiosyncrasies are perplexing to the rest of the world, but accepted but those of her shipmates from some sense of loyalty to her. Swearing, arguing fighting at the drop of a hat. She's been raised a pirate-type, so she is pirate like. She doesn't get any bonuses from it, but she does like acting like one.

Does that help define her?

I know I said it before, but I am tr4ying for a Vella-like personality. The character from the Belgariad/Mallorean. does that help to describe her?

EDIT: When did I say she was beautiful?

[Djinn_in_Tonic]

Decidedly meh. I don't see a lot about the character here...just a story that seems to dance around her without actually explaining who she is. As such, I can't comment, except to say that it's a functional backstory, although it doesn't really stand out to me as being extra special.

[McClintock]

This is a thread about her background, not her personality. In our group we get bonus xp for a good backstory. so strictly as a backstory... what more does it need?

[McClintock]

Also, it's really hard to read something when it swaps tenses every sentence. So fix that too.

Noted and fixed

[Djinn_in_Tonic]

This is a thread about her background, not her personality. In our group we get bonus xp for a good backstory. so strictly as a backstory... what more does it need?

As just a simple backstory? Nothing, really. In my opinion, however, the simplest of stories can become a good backstory if we actually get a chance to see the character evolve, and if we see her develop friends and relationships. This, as written, is a fairly static story with a hint of the upcoming Dervish prestige class and a touch of "find out about my family," but that's not much to play off of.

How have these events shaped the character? What is she as a result of them? What did they make her think? These are important elements to a truly excellent backstory. Weave emotions into it, and let us see it partly through your character's eyes. Give us an understanding of her history in more than a paragraph summary.

This is why I tend to write backstories partly in either story form or in first-person narrative form: my reader gets a real chance to know who my character is, and what her life was like. He gets to see what's important to her, and why it's important, and learns her friends and enemies, weaknesses and strengths. It allows him a better understanding of the character I'm playing, which he can then leverage for a more compelling interaction with the world, and for more personal character interactions.

Without these things, it's not really a backstory. It's a character history summary, much like a timeline. And, like a timeline, it touches upon merely the surface of a complex series of events, and leaves many important things out.

[BRC]

This is a thread about her background, not her personality. In our group we get bonus xp for a good backstory. so strictly as a backstory... what more does it need?

Well, a Backstory isn't important because it's a story. It's important because of the person it produces. A backstory is supposed to say "This is who my character is, and this is why she is this way".

You've got some good stuff here from a backstory perspective. A clear direction for your character to go, a plot hook or two, some contacts, ect. But it should define who she is in more subtle ways than her race and direct goals.

One thing I would change is her fascination with Dervishes. Yes you can make that a goal of the character's, but I wouldn't have it be "Her potential skill as a Dervish was so apparent, that people would say "She would make an excellant Dervish". Maybe at one point the ship took a Dervish as a passenger, said Dervish helped defend the ship from pirates, and since then she's been in awe of the skills she saw the warrior use. That sounds better than "People said "My you'd be good as a dervish". Give the dervish in question a name, and youv'e got another NPC for the DM to use (Maybe you meet them around when you hit 6th level and train under them).

She lived almost her entire life onboard a ship, and that almost certainly impacted her mannerisms alot. She should know alot about ships and the sea, occasionally come up with tidbits of info or stories she'd picked up during her travels. Have her use nautical terms, refer to distances in "Leagues", occasionally have her use "Port" and "Starboard" instead of "Left" and "Right". Make up sailor's slang or swears to work into her dialog. Give her plenty of superstitions, especially concerning the Weather. Avoid cliche pirate speak, just sprinkle this type of stuff into how you roleplay her.

[Djinn_in_Tonic]

She lived almost her entire life onboard a ship, and that almost certainly impacted her mannerisms alot. She should know alot about ships and the sea, occasionally come up with tidbits of info or stories she'd picked up during her travels. Have her use nautical terms, refer to distances in "Leagues", occasionally have her use "Port" and "Starboard" instead of "Left" and "Right". Make up sailor's slang or swears to work into her dialog. Give her plenty of superstitions, especially concerning the Weather. Avoid cliche pirate speak, just sprinkle this type of stuff into how you roleplay her.

Furthering this, she may well be confused by customs on land, or by sights that others might find commonplace. If we see a canyon, for example, we know what it is...but does she? Her closest experience might be a whirlpool, which is much more dangerous. If she spotted such a gap in the earth on the horizon, how might she respond? And so forth.

[McClintock]

Thank you both, this has been extremely helpful. I'll be revising and reposting soon. Please feel free to comment more then... or now.

[Lost Wanderer]

How did you get her Charisma so low? I thought point buy started you with an 8 in everything, and being able to lower below that is a house rule.

Speaking of house rules, ask your GM if she can have Perform(dance) key off Dexterity. Because while the background says she's a good dancer, she technically isn't. You might also want to ask if you can have Perform(dance) as a class skill (maybe lose a different class skill in exchange), as it's so fitting for the character. As your GM is already giving experience for a background, it doesn't seem like much of a stretch to ask.

I really like this idea, and I wish I could suggest a better way to fulfill her concept without suggesting house rules.

[PersonMan]

How did you get her Charisma so low? I thought point buy started you with an 8 in everything, and being able to lower below that is a house rule.

Tielfings have -2 Charisma.

[Lost Wanderer]

Tielfings have -2 Charisma.

*smacks self upside the head* I've been playing too much 4e, where they get a bonus to Charisma! Which is only fitting for a bunch of proud fiendblooded. I never really understood why they got a Charisma penalty in 3.X...

Still, I say drop to 13 Wisdom and bring Charisma up to 8.

[Telonius]

*smacks self upside the head* I've been playing too much 4e, where they get a bonus to Charisma! Which is only fitting for a bunch of proud fiendblooded. I never really understood why they got a Charisma penalty in 3.X...

Because the designers kept getting fooled by the "Ugly = low charisma" mistake. See also: Half-orc.