Anthesia's Funny :D

[Anthesia]

Here, Post the best quotes of the session from your campaign.

[npc revolution]

In threads like these, it's polite to start it off with an example.

But yeah, one of my funniest times was when Steve, who was sort of new to DnD, said:

"Well if they didn't WANT their stuff stolen by PC's then they shouldn't have stuff!"

Welcome to the playground, by the way.

[Zergrusheddie]

"No, you cannot charge attack while using an animal's leg as a weapon!"

10 seconds later:

"Fine! You CAN crit with it!"

[Lycan 01]

"I punt the Gnome." (Twice)

"I try to convince the statue it doesn't exist." (Worked)

"Did you just seduce a succubus?!" (Yep.)

(All involved my Half-Orc Bard, Trog, at level 1...)


"TASTE THE RAINBOW, MUTHA*****!!!" (Sorcerer using a multi-colored lightning spell)

"I throw water on the demon" followed by "I hit it with my lightning spell." (Twas an insta-crit...)



"The Traitor's Hand Lies Closer Than You Think." (Code-word to explode the Psyker's head. Unfortunately, the person who knew it turned traitor in a Dark Heresy game I ran. )

[Dragon Elite]

Me:I slice the troll's head of, then burn it.
DM: You rolled a three.
Me: How much gold does it have? Any interesting items?
DM: It hits you.
Me: Does it have pockets? I look through them.
DM: *Sighs* Fine. It's dead. You find 100 gold pieces. Happy?
Me: Yes! I animate it!
DM:... You're a fighter.
Me: How many hitpoints does it have?
DM: NO. It's body dissolves.
Me: How?
DM: ... Shut up.

[Boci]

Last session, end of the game:

DM: Congratulations, you have just destroyed the planet.
Me: So how much XP do we get?
DM: Go to level 30.
Other PC: So our village is gone?
DM: Yes along with everything else, I hope you are pleased with yourselves.
Me: Technically it was celest's fault.
DM: No it was all your character's fault.
ME: So I'm the only one to get XP!

[DeafnotDumb]

Orcish Paladin: "I headbut the bugger."

[Skwaire]

Just last night we were playing a campaign in which we were all taking Listen checks to see if we could hear something behind a door. DM said all we heard was shuffling and grunting. "Well folks, looks like we got a bad case of shuffling grunters"

...I guess you kinda had to be there.

[Shinizak]

(bad guy calls the female player over the intercom)
Villain: So, what's your favorite way to die?
Her: Erm... um... SEX!
Villain: ... (giggles and turns off intercom)
---
Me(ooc): why the hell did you choose sex?
Her(ooc): I wanted to choose the least painful way to die.
Me(ooc):you wanted to choose the least painful way to die... so you chose to be raped to death. o_O
Her(ooc):... Yeah, I panicked.

[Shademan]

naked bard to animated female statues:
LADIES! PLEASE!
*gets his privates crushed*

[Asheram]

Druid: Donkor, are you a spy for Lord Settra?
Donkor, the druids NPC butler: Of course not, sir.
Druid: Good man, Donkor.

Someone in the party: Send fourth the gimp! (Our tied-up trap tester)

Cleric: I run up to the body (of his dead teammate) and throw him over board! *laughs evilly*
DM: that will earn you Evil points
Cleric: What?! Why, it was a sea burial

Dwarf: How much does the girl weigh?
DM: Umm.. about 100 lb
Dwarf: Great, then she fits into my bag!

DM: Okey, you're running back to the city walls with the loot from the dead Orc captain on you?
Warforged Fighter: Yes
DM: Ok, you hear the cleric chanting behind you, and when you turn your head around the Orc Captain is back on his feet and running after you, completely naked.

Wizard: So the Goblins are all asleep?
DM: Yeah.
Wizard:... And you say that there's hay all over the floor?
DM: ... Yeah?
Wizard: Alright, I throw in my torch and then bar the door.
DM: ... You know you're supposed to be chaotic good, right?
Wizard: ... For the greater good!

*The party enters a basement in the abandoned city, filled with coffins*
DM: What do you do?
Party: We open one of the coffins
DM: Ok, the first one is empty, but in the second one is your cleric friend who was left behind (fighting a orb of something, we thought he was dead). He looks battered but alive
Bard: I stab him in the chest with a stake
Rest of Party: why?!
Bard: he might be a vampire

*the druid in bear-shape crawls out from under a dead giant, sees the Big Bad lying on the castle wall*
Druid: Is he dead?
Party: Almost, he's incapacitated but still aware.
Druid: I open my jaws and rip his "equipment" of him!

Articifier: Look, we want to solve this peacefully
*teleports himself next to enemy mage, gets blasted like hell, stumbles to the floor with a big hole in his stomach*
Articifier: What the hell?! *whips out 2 wands of twinned maximised Kelgore's Fire Bolt*
Eat this! *blasts the wizard into a pool of blood, looks around at enemy guards*
ANYONE ELSE WANT A PIECE OF THIS, OR WILL YOU SURRENDER?!

Monk: I climb the tree to sleep there for the night, do I see anything up there?
DM: Yes, some birds are singing, and squirrels are jumping around...
Monk: I take a squirrel and stuff it in my pouch *rolls an attack roll and succeds*

[lyko555]

her That plans no good It doesnt involve pitchforks.
me Wait we can use pitchforks to make the cage.
her Oh thats perfect the plan will definatly work now.

[Reynard]

A DM mis-speak during an angry mob scene led to:

DM: You see an angry mob surrounding the inn you're staying in. They're wielding flaming torchforks and pit-
Other Player1: Torchforks! Torches that are also forks!
Me: Which end is flaming?
DM: The one with pointy bits.
Me: What, did they dip them in something flammable?
Other Player2: Well, they are pitch-forks.
Other Player1: No, Torchforks!
Me: Hmm. We should get some, they'd be good against trolls.

[SaintRidley]

"You're going to run in there and huff the myconoid spores?"

[Drakevarg]

"No, you can't have a security blanket as a protective item!"

"Fat-Aasimar"

"Hey, I need you to heal this guy so we don't have to drag his ass."
"You could drag the rest of him, too!"

"...We should really get him some rope."
"Bah. Let him rot!"
"Okay, I'll tell him you said that when he gets up here."
"...We should really get him some rope."

[balistafreak]

"Fat-Aasimar"

I will definitely use that sometime in the near future.

As for some of my own:

Running gag of "burn the bodies". Whenever the Warlock kills, he burns the bodies to ash.

This has produced many an awkward situation, especially when specifically asked to bring back a body part as proof.

*bag of ash hits table*

NPC: I asked for his head.
Warlock: You got it, and the rest of his body for good measure.
NPC: That's a bag of ash.
Warlock: That's how I roll.
NPC: No bounty.
Warlock: No head, either? *flashes laser beams*
NPC: ... I cede the point.

It was great moment of RP, all things be told.

[Drakevarg]

I will definitely use that sometime in the near future.

As for some of my own:

Running gag of "burn the bodies". Whenever the Warlock kills, he burns the bodies to ash.

This has produced many an awkward situation, especially when specifically asked to bring back a body part as proof.

*bag of ash hits table*

NPC: I asked for his head.
Warlock: You got it, and the rest of his body for good measure.
NPC: That's a bag of ash.
Warlock: That's how I roll.
NPC: No bounty.
Warlock: No head, either? *flashes laser beams*
NPC: ... I cede the point.

It was great moment of RP, all things be told.

While not humorous, my characters have a habit of burning any bodies they come across, out of undead paranoia. You don't want to kill small army just to have that same army come back as ghouls.

[qoalabear]

*The best conversations are held in Mind-link between players during important political meetings*
1: No, Lady Adria hates pants. She just wants to get rid of his, so her empire can rule everything.
...
2: Alternatively, append to the last statement - IN BED

[ZeroGear]

Here's a classic:
Barbarian: "I bill-rush the Gelatenous Cube!"

also, best destraction line ever:
"Look! A naked man!" (nat 20 success)

Similarly, we all make fun of the barbarian because he got a 1 on his perform (sexual techniques) check and didn't last long...in bed.

[Serpentine]

In the first campaign I ever played with:

Great Big Mumma Red Dragon: "IGNORANCE IS NO EXCUSE."
"18 Int" wizard played by a fool: "Well I don't know about that, but..."
Promptly followed by the Rogue sapping him on the head, and getting a natural 20 on a Bluff check to convince the dragon that an even bigger, badder gold dragon was on her way home so it'd be best if she took her eggs elsewhere. Apparently it was such a good Bluff check, it turned out to be true...

[Greymane]

"Did you just seduce a succubus?!" (Yep.)

(All involved my Half-Orc Bard, Trog, at level 1...)

Elaborate. Please.

Oh, and to contribute.

"I throw a pillow at him."

"[OOC] Look girly, if you want to start a pillow fight with a 16-year old hormonal boy, so be it, but I'm not responsible for the repercussions."

[Amphetryon]

"When did I become gum?"