Most ridiculous improvised weapon you've ever used?

[Dust]

Long title, self-explanatory question. From swordchucks to a mummy-filled sarcophagi, what's the wierdest weapon you've wielded?

[One Step Two]

Not something I've wielded, but in one of our campaigns, we have a Master of Many Forms, who took Sun Giant form, and proceeded to grapple a Battle-Dragon to death, then used it as a club and thrown weapon.

[Greenish]

If you have a few ranks in Craft: Woodworking (or similar), you can just convert any handy piece of wood into a club or a quarterstaff as a free action.

One of my early characters used a ship's mast as a spear.

[Malfunctioned]

A tavern.

The same character also managed to use himself as an improvised weapon, granted the character was currently in a mirror universe of his own but he still did use himself as a weapon.


Another character also used their opponent's eyeballs as improvised sling bullets.

[dsmiles]

A deceased kobold on a rope. It was also used to disarm tripwires and pressure plates.

[Ravens_cry]

Ah, chucking books at what we quickly called a "Land Octopus" in d20 modern, good times. You must forgive us for miscounting in the heat of battle.

[Mordrigar]

Not me, but my friend once throwed a dwarf with a catapult to orc horde, while dwarf was reading a fireball scroll that targeted on landing area.

(Scroll has read, dwarf has landed and fireball exploded succesfully.)

He said that he saw that move on a computer game...

[big teej]

a gnome paladin in full plate with a lance.... (thrown weapon)

an orc (melee weapon)

[DaragosKitsune]

Not me, but one of my players decided to use a troll's, um, "extra limb" as a buckler ornament. He liked to shield bash people.

[dsmiles]

Not me, but one of my players decided to use a troll's, um, "extra limb" as a buckler ornament. He liked to shield bash people.

Did he continually have to cut it down to size? (In theory, he could have grown a whole new troll out of it. )

[Urpriest]

A little off topic, but on the improvised weapon tack, and an entertaining read:

Spoiler

Show

In this campaign we were checking up on McGuffins around the world placed by the gods themselves. The dungeons in which these McGuffins were located would each have two side entrances, each of which led to a different test befitting the god who built the dungeon. Successfully completing the test gives an appropriate boon. We reach an old temple of Kord, and we see these two entrances, labeled the Test of Endurance and the Test of Strength. As the party's two primary melee characters, the Monk and I (Dervish) argue over who should go into which entrance. The Monk, incidentally, was a Drunken Master. His current weapon of choice was an improvised club, but he yearned for what every melee fighter yearns for: reach! He had been pestering the DM for a ladder with which he could smite his enemies, but so far had not been in a position to acquire one.

Eventually we decide that I would do the Test of Strength, and he would do the Test of Endurance. The Test of Endurance involves running through the digestive track of a Purple Worm, an experience he only barely survives. The Test of Strength, meanwhile, is essentially a logic puzzle. While it was a well-conceived one I cracked it almost immediately, disappointing the DM. When emerging from the place I was granted my boon, as a voice rang out from the darkness,

"Name a weapon."

Naturally, I said, "Scimitar." Upon saying this, an enchanted scimitar appeared in my hand. And not just an enchanted scimitar, but an intelligent scimitar, which immediately announced that its name was Zaspirus.

Now after the session I did some thinking. We didn't have to make the choices we did. I could have attempted the Test of Endurance, and the Monk could have done the Test of Strength. In which case, the conversation would have gone something like this:

"Name a weapon."

"Ladder."

"...You sure?"

"Yes, give me my goddamn ladder."

"...Alright..."

At which point the intelligent ladder Zaspirus would appear. The most miserable intelligent weapon in the entire world.

[Greenish]

A little off topic, but on the improvised weapon tack, and an entertaining read:

Spoiler

Show

In this campaign we were checking up on McGuffins around the world placed by the gods themselves. The dungeons in which these McGuffins were located would each have two side entrances, each of which led to a different test befitting the god who built the dungeon. Successfully completing the test gives an appropriate boon. We reach an old temple of Kord, and we see these two entrances, labeled the Test of Endurance and the Test of Strength. As the party's two primary melee characters, the Monk and I (Dervish) argue over who should go into which entrance. The Monk, incidentally, was a Drunken Master. His current weapon of choice was an improvised club, but he yearned for what every melee fighter yearns for: reach! He had been pestering the DM for a ladder with which he could smite his enemies, but so far had not been in a position to acquire one.

Eventually we decide that I would do the Test of Strength, and he would do the Test of Endurance. The Test of Endurance involves running through the digestive track of a Purple Worm, an experience he only barely survives. The Test of Strength, meanwhile, is essentially a logic puzzle. While it was a well-conceived one I cracked it almost immediately, disappointing the DM. When emerging from the place I was granted my boon, as a voice rang out from the darkness,

"Name a weapon."

Naturally, I said, "Scimitar." Upon saying this, an enchanted scimitar appeared in my hand. And not just an enchanted scimitar, but an intelligent scimitar, which immediately announced that its name was Zaspirus.

Now after the session I did some thinking. We didn't have to make the choices we did. I could have attempted the Test of Endurance, and the Monk could have done the Test of Strength. In which case, the conversation would have gone something like this:

"Name a weapon."

"Ladder."

"...You sure?"

"Yes, give me my goddamn ladder."

"...Alright..."

At which point the intelligent ladder Zaspirus would appear. The most miserable intelligent weapon in the entire world.

…You were traveling around the world, collecting artifacts from gods, and you were unable to acquire a ladder?

[holywhippet]

The first 3rd edition game I ever played I was controlling a pair of NPC halflings. The fight was against a barghest and a congo line of goblins. We were having trouble hurting the barghest due to it's damage reduction. There was a door we'd kicked in at the start of the fight so I said the halflings were going to make torches out of the pieces of the door to try and jab the barghest with them or toss them at him.

[DaragosKitsune]

Did he continually have to cut it down to size? (In theory, he could have grown a whole new troll out of it. )

No, it was only the lesser troll from Sunless Citadel and he cut it off after it died.

[molten_dragon]

My frenzied berserker once tore off a zombie's arm and beat the zombie to death with it after he lost his greataxe.

I played a half-giant fighter in another campaign that used the party's hafling frenzied berserker (our group loves that class) as a grenade-like weapon.

[Amphetryon]

Half-Giant PsyWar with a Gnome + Spiked Armor + 50' Silk Rope = Spiky Ball o' Doom.

[Lateral]

I DM'ed a game once where the players were all demigods. One had Divine Blast.

He fired a divine blast, then GRABBED it and wielded it as an improvised weapon.

Also, once, I played a monk who specialized in improvised weaponry. One time, we were inside a city under siege by an army of insane cultists. Some of the enemy tried to scale the wall using a really, REALLY tall mithril ladder. Our party's wizard zapped them off. I grabbed the ladder, vaulted off the wall, then wiped out half the army in one colossal ladder swing. It was the most awesome thing. EVER.

[Project_Mayhem]

It was a Vampire the Requiem game. One player, a Deava stealth fighter, was going undercover as a prostitute. A bunch of ghouls attacked. She beat them to death with a 12 inch ... tool of her trade.

[arguskos]

The Pain Train, also called the Man Train.
...
...
...
...
...I fear I might need to explain this further.

Ok, so my players (level 2 at the time) were assaulting this evil cult lair and found themselves outgunned when they were hitting the main force (in the second cavern of the cult, they'd cleared the first one, which was also the training room, so lots of spare weapons around). So, the fighter guy decides to grab some nearby tables, strap lots of sharp stuff to the front, and have the rest of the party carry a few other tables over them as they charged down the single-file hallway into the next room. The lead character's table of charging spikey doom caught and pasted a dude too (he crit with his... attack), and thus was the legend of the Pain Train (called the Man Train by one player) born.

[cdrcjsn]

Half Orc Drunken Master monk PrC. He was carrying a party member who died in a previous encounter when the group was ambushed.

He decided that rather than drop the halfling, to wield him as an improvised weapon instead.

It was surprisingly effective, thanks to the Drunken Master bonuses to improvised weapons.

[Rowsen]

I once drove Skeppio into a laughing fit when I described a plan to use corpses with Flesh to Stone as catapault ammo. Assuming that counts.

[Logalmier]

Jello sword. Nuff said.

[Urpriest]

…You were traveling around the world, collecting artifacts from gods, and you were unable to acquire a ladder?

The Monk's player had an odd grasp of...well, most things, really. It never occurred to him that he could simply go into a town and purchase a ladder. He thought the DM had to give him one as treasure.

[Logalmier]

The Monk's player had an odd grasp of...well, most things, really. It never occurred to him that he could simply go into a town and purchase a ladder. He thought the DM had to give him one as treasure.

"I need a latter! Quick, find a psion so he can make one with his mind!"

[Rowsen]

The Monk's player had an odd grasp of...well, most things, really. It never occurred to him that he could simply go into a town and purchase a ladder. He thought the DM had to give him one as treasure.

So...was he ever awarded a +1 Ladder of Climbing?

Now I want to add improvised weapons to random loot tables.

[Greenish]

The Monk's player had an odd grasp of...well, most things, really. It never occurred to him that he could simply go into a town and purchase a ladder. He thought the DM had to give him one as treasure.

Maybe he thought that most ladders in the world had been turned into 10' poles by greedy adventurers?

[Thurbane]

Not that I've wielded personally, but in a game earlier this year, a giant ape wielded a plesiasaur neck and head as a club against us!

...oh, I almost forgot! Back in our 1E ToEE days, we had the Dungeon Trolley. This was a modified mining cart, with a bussell of spears and pointy stuff attached to the front. Basically, a couple of party member would rush this towards the enemy, while two haflings sat in the cart, firing off a sling a short bow. Happy times.

[VirOath]

In a ludicrously high powered game I was playing a Hulking Hurler (with a str score to throw a small moon, and yet I wasn't completely optimized or the worse thing there.) and we were tossed into a room with squid-like things, never really caught their name and could have been a monster he actually created.

Anyways, the monsters start with the buddy system to throw their friends at the party and start grappling/constricting the group, with means to get around rings of free action.

Well, catch anything, they -were- smaller than me at the time, so I catch it and hurled it back at his friend, dealing damage to them both and for some reason they would just throw themselves back at me. While the rest of the party spent the next few rounds taking care of the rest, I killed my pair by playing catch and making use of thrown power attack.

[Masaioh]

Does using a crossbow to shoot dwarves count?

[theMycon]

A flaming bookshelf.

Once upon a time, I was in a two barbarian party.
We were sent to search for a certain book in a library. Neither of us were able to read. We got attacked by some invisible, incorporeal undead with a terrible to-hit Bonus, and were high enough level to have uncanny dodge & DR1. The DM ruled that, since we spent about 10 rounds sucessfully dodging/not being hurt by the attacks we had no way of noticing*, we didn't know we were being attacked up until the party sorc noticed we were spasming.

So he launches a fireball at us. In a Library. While we're peacfully looking for books, unaware of anything except that someone just launched a fireball at us.

He obviously regrets the action the moment it occurs. We both charge at him, KO him in a round (before realizing he's a friend), then see flaming ghosts between the flaming books. Not having a magic weapon, I rage, pick up the burning bookshelf, and chase the ghost around, swinging the bookshelf at random while it's doing equal amounts of fire damage to me. Through the massive, massive HP difference between myself and this unknowable undead, it works, and they "re-die" before my HP are even half gone.


*In character only, of course. He flat out told us "such and such an undead hits you." We then decided we were too absorbed in the books to notice.

The conversation went like this:

Spoiler

Show

DM: "Such and such an undead hits you for 3 damage & 4 CON. Roll for Initiative"
Me: "What's the attack roll?"
DM: "It's flat-footed touch. It doesn't matter. It's over 10."
Me: "We have uncanny dodge."
DM: "Uhh... Does a 14 hit your touch AC?"
Me: "No..." "Okay, something invisible swipes at you and misses. Roll initiative."
Me, no longer sure uncanny dodge SHOULD work that way: "Do I have to notice it swiped at me?"
DM: "What?"
Me: "Something invisible just swiped at me and missed. I don't know why I'd notice."
DM: "But you dodged it."
Other Barbarian: "We didn't notice before we dodged, did we?"
Me: "And we don't have any magic weapons yet. I don't have any chance to hit it. Wouldn't matter if I did."
DM: "Alright, fine. You weave and continue looking at books you can't read."
...
Five rounds later
DM: "Okay, it finally hits and does... *rolls* 1 damage. And for Constitution..." *picks up dice*
Other Barbarian: "We have DR 1/-. No effect."
DM: "Uh... Do you want to notice it yet?"
Both of us together: "No way!"
DM: "Okay, your chest itches slightly."
...
Five rounds later
Sorceror- player hears whole conversation, so he walks in the door, sees us spasming, and decides to fireball the room.
DM: "Someone shoots a fireball at you from the doorway. Make a reflex save."
*2 sub-5 rolls*
Both of us: "We fail & charge."