D&D puns!

[Geohound13]

Ok guys(and gals) I want all your puns for races, weapons, deaths, and anything that would fit in a D&D setting! Be creative! I'll start it off.

Guys gets cut in half. "Man, he's really beside himself"

Give me some good ones!

[Goonthegoof]

Here you go.

[Xefas]

Assassin leaps out of the shadows and Death Attacks someone. "It's knife to meet you."

Every single stealth character I've ever played in any tabletop rpg has used that line at least once. I don't know why, but I find it hysterical.

[NekoJoker]

This one's not mine, found it somwhere on the forums.

party finds a giant, decapitated.
paladin looks over at the dead body.
and says

"seems like someone wanted our friend here... cut down to size "
Everybody: "YEEEEEEEEEEEAH"

[Geohound13]

wizard casts an electric spell at the barbarian. "Looks like you need an outlet for that anger!"

[Kyrthain]

"Can I axe you a question?"

"Shanks for your time!"

[Necroticplague]

" I can see the future, and I sometimes get it mixed up with the present. So please enlighten me: did I already kill you, or am I about to kill you?"

[Stallion]

After the necromancer sets off a Wightocalypse in the middle of a major city: "I ke this thriving bustling metropolis.... I mean, necropolis."


The morning after the TN druid, the CN pyromancer, and the CG warlock end up having a bunch of bears crash into camp and eat all the pyromancer's meat:
Pyromancer is sitting on the ground next to his campfire, holding an empty skillet over the flame.
Warlock walks by and says, "You do know that's empty, right?"
Pyromancer replies, "No it isn't. You know what this is? *gestures to the skillet* Your fault. That's what I'm making for breakfast. Your fault."

That campaign's still going well.... once I got the warlock and the pyromancer working together instead of jumping down each others throats.

[FiRaven]

I hope you're not afraid of the dark, 'cause its KNIGHT TIME!!!!!!!

[ScionoftheVoid]

After the PCs enter the villain's chamber in the ice castle: "So ice to meet you."

After the villain sets his Simulacra on the PCs: "Would you like a snow clone?"

After a successful Baleful Polymorph: "Your efforts are so pathetic it's hilarious. Incredibly bunny."

And you can't forget the bear puns! They can be grizzly, unbearable even. But you just have to grin and bear the pandaemonium. Some are really koala though, like a Druid's right to bear arms and arm bears. You do have to look out for the blacking ones, they can put you on a real browner. They're a love-it-or-hate-it thing, as with all puns, you might say that they're rather polar.

[Kyrthain]

And you can't forget the bear puns! They can be grizzly, unbearable even. But you just have to grin and bear the pandaemonium. Some are really koala though, like a Druid's right to bear arms and arm bears. You do have to look out for the blacking ones, they can put you on a real browner. They're a love-it-or-hate-it thing, as with all puns, you might say that they're rather polar.

A part of me just died.

[DragonOfUndeath]

A part of me just died laughing.

fixed it for you

[Cespenar]

Cliche, but necessary: After fireballing someone to death,

"Looks like he..."

*puts on sunglasses*

"...couldn't take the heat."

Also, this link has others.

[Fayd]

"Dawn Breaks" (DM)

"23!" (me, a skill-monkey mage)

"...on what?"

"The craft check to fix it!"

To be fair, he'd made a similar joke earlier in campaign.

In the same vein:

"Night falls. Fluffy, would you like to make a strength check to pick it up?"

Fluffy being our Large-sized Orc Barbarian.

[Warlawk]

And you can't forget the bear puns! They can be grizzly, unbearable even. But you just have to grin and bear the pandaemonium. Some are really koala though, like a Druid's right to bear arms and arm bears. You do have to look out for the blacking ones, they can put you on a real browner. They're a love-it-or-hate-it thing, as with all puns, you might say that they're rather polar.

Now I have to find a good bear monster to polymorph our monk into so that I can call down Pandamonium.

[Tvtyrant]

A man is trying to rob the groups Bard and gets caught, but the Bard is at the door and their are no windows. His quip: "looks like your caught between a rock and a Bard place."

[Zeofar]

Someone merges all planes together into definite spaces upon the same megaplane: "Looks like we just established a new world border."

A dual-wielding avenging executioner: "Flat-footed? Hey, have a taste of my two-weapon frighting".

They're funny because both are ridiculously convoluted and the jokes are weak.

[Safety Sword]

Not really a pun, but we tend to sing "Waterdeep" to the tune of Abba's Waterloo at least the first time Waterdeep is mentioned each session. Corny, but a table standard.

[Jaidu]

I think the most punny night for us occurred on an undead-heavy adventure in 4e. This is one particular exchange:

DM: There are a group of undead fighting the city guard.
Cleric: What sort of undead? (Religion check)
DM: They are all wights.
Seeker: Wights only? I don't like the sound of this.
DM: Roll initiative.
(Everyone rolls, wights get the high roll.)
Seeker: Ugh, wight privilege.
(A wight attacks me, the assassin, and hits. I lose a healing surge.)
Me: Ouch. I don't like wight powers.
Etc.

Ghouls also led to comments like "ghouls just want to have fun" and "big ghouls don't cry."

[Sipex]

Our wizard captures a troll and stuffs it into the Rogue's room at their guild. He puts the following sign on the Rogue's door.

"LOL, I Troll U"