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    Orc in the Playground
     
    TheBibliophile's Avatar

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    Default Some poetry of mine (please critique!)

    I wrote this after last Remembrance Day. It's quite long and probably could do with some editing, so I've spoilered it.

    Spoiler
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    The poppies are blooming again.
    On every lapel, in every buttonhole,
    Red as the chlorophyll-drained embers
    Falling from the sky.
    This year, I notice that there are other poppies
    Too: a gem-encrusted bracelet, flashing
    On a singer's wrist as she bawls the never-ending
    Drone of pop: shallow regrets and lost love,
    Singing for fame and filthy lucre on a rigged, Autotuned stage.

    How many remember?
    How many, during the silence observed out of desire
    For conformity, nothing more,
    Weep silently for the lost, for the futility of war?
    How many struggle with themselves, then say, Voltaire-like,
    "I may not approve of the war, but I will support
    To the grave the people fighting it"?

    "War doesn't affect us here," they say, while the
    Bodies pile up in Wooton Basset field.
    "I don't want to remember", they protest, "the past is past".
    "Oh, it's all so depressing!"
    They cry, they whose only experience of sorrow
    Has been at the death of a cat or distant relative.

    I should not say this last.
    I too have no family in the forces.
    I too am safeguarded, like Siddartha, from the world's evils.
    This is hypocrisy to the highest.

    But still I can mourn.

    I mourn for the Somme and for Vietnam.
    I mourn for Eire and Ground Zero,
    Iraq and Afghanistan.

    I was not there, but I can still remember.
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    Orc in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Some poetry of mine (please critique!)

    Okay, so maybe that one was a bit out of date. How about some nice soppy love poetry?

    Spoiler
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    With every breath she takes
    My heart breaks.
    Every time she smiles
    I die inside.
    Every time I see her
    My mind reels, and
    My much-vaunted knowledge
    Is ashes.
    Every time she smiles
    And I remember
    I'll never be hers
    My heart breaks again.

    But still I look for her.
    The heartbreak is nothing
    Compared to her
    It is the smallest of prices
    To pay to see
    Paradise on Earth.


    I really would like some kind of feedback, even if it's negative. Nothing at all is really quite discouraging, especially given the number of people that have looked at the thread.
    Amazingly cool avatar by Mauve Shirt. May she ever be promoted and not demoted! *promotes*
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    Some poetry I've written. Constructive criticism warmly welcomed.

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    Default Re: Some poetry of mine (please critique!)

    I'm not a poet and I don't have a whole lot of poetry knowledge except for a bit of Sylvia Plath, so take this with a grain of salt. You have a good understanding of the English language, which is good, but I think you suffer from a lack of rhythm. My understanding of poetry is that line breaks are significant.
    The poppies are blooming again.
    On every lapel, in every buttonhole,
    Red as the chlorophyll-drained embers
    Falling from the sky.
    This is good. The last two lines are one sentence, but breaking them there makes sense. In contrast,
    This year, I notice that there are other poppies
    Too: a gem-encrusted bracelet, flashing
    On a singer's wrist as she bawls the never-ending
    Drone of pop: shallow regrets and lost love,
    This just seems like you didn't know where to break the lines. I would've done it more like this.
    This year, I notice that there are other poppies too
    A gem-encrusted bracelet, flashing on a singer's wrist
    She bawls the never-ending drone of pop
    Shallow regrets and lost love
    That's all I have to say. The first one is good, the second one is sort of lackluster, in my opinion, but the biggest problem I see is a lack of flowing in the lines. Poetry isn't just words, it's words that have a beat. I suggest reading your poetry out loud and seeing if it flows, and also watching poets recite their work on Youtube or something.
    Last edited by Raistlin1040; 2010-12-08 at 09:59 PM.
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    Barbarian in the Playground
     
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    Lightbulb Re: Some poetry of mine (please critique!)

    Ooh, poems!

    Do you title any of your poems? Don't forget to include those if you do.

    Last Remembrance Day Poem:
    Spoiler
    Show
    Following Raistlin1040's advice about line breaks, don't go crazy with changing the structure (or anything really) unless you decide that's what you want to change.

    My advice on line breaks in the first stanza would be to put a double space after 'Falling from the sky.' The first four lines are great and I think convey more weight by themselves. Also, anytime there's a period in poetry that's a clear separation, so why not start a new stanza?

    Poppies are the traditional flower of Veterans / Remembrance / Armistice Day, symbolizing the blood shed in WW1. However when coupled with 'Red as the clorophyll- drained embers falling from the sky' and the pop singers bawling it seemed to me on rereading that actual wounds blossoming and actual warfare may be more strongly implied with the poppy reference.

    Of course, except for the line 'while bodies pile up in Wooton Basset Field', that view is contradicted by the rest of your poem, which is clearly about those who are sheltered from war and 'hypocrisy to the highest'.

    So I like the five lines about the pop singer, think they'd work fine as their own stanza. In trying to relate them to the rest of your poem though I come up with the idea that the pop singer is mentioned as a representation of those in denial mentioned in the third stanza.I completely failed to see how the pop singer related to the ideas directly above and below her though.

    The 'Too:' at the beginning of line 6: Instead of moving it as Raistlin1040 suggested, it could instead just be removed. If you omit it I think that nothing is really lost from the poem (except the colon) even when read out loud.

    In the third stanza ending the first line with 'While the' is I think an example of what Raistlin1040 was getting at. Some readers are going to get hung up on ending a line at that point in a sentence, seeing it as clunky and taking them out of the poem. Instead of moving or omitting it (since I like the following line, 'While bodies pile up in Wooton Basset Field and think it shouldn't be messed with) consider changing 'While the' to something else that seems more poetic and means nearly the same thing in that context, such as 'Still'. Words which are relatively unnecessary to your main point should always be seen as movable, removable or changeable until you get a final draft.

    Fourth stanza: The third stanza's content I think can be appropriately called provocative. I mean that as a compliment. Poerty is usually better when it's provocative. That's why I think apologizing right away in the fourth stanza for what you just said in the third is a step backwards in the awesomeness of your poem. Likewise it doesn't seem to go upward after that, it doesn't seem to gain any provocativeness back. This is creative criticism time, definitely not bashing you here but ask yourself, did I get provocative in these last lines?

    'But still I can mourn.

    I mourn for the Somme and for Vietnam.
    I mourn for Eire and Ground Zero,
    Iraq and Afghanistan.

    I was not there, but I can still remember.'

    I'm focusing on the aspect of being provocative because I think that's what you established thematically with your third stanza. The places you reference surely have great meaning instilled in them, but what do you do to connect that meaning emotionally to the rest of your poem? You mourn, but is that a sufficient theme to end on after going where you did in the third stanza?

    Try an experiment. move the ending to the third stanza. (edit as needed)then, omit this part:
    Spoiler
    Show
    I should not say this last.
    I too have no family in the forces.
    I too am safeguarded, like Siddartha, from the world's evils.
    This is hypocrisy to the highest.
    After that, write a new ending from that point without apologizing for what you did before. See where it takes you.

    Finally, if I have misinterpreted any key parts (which happens a lot) that make my suggestion ridiculous, please let me know. Happy wording!


    The luv poem:
    Spoiler
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    Ugh love poetry. Don't get me wrong it's probably awesome but... ugh. Love poetry.
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    Orc in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Some poetry of mine (please critique!)

    Quote Originally Posted by Asthix View Post
    Ooh, poems!

    Do you title any of your poems? Don't forget to include those if you do.

    Last Remembrance Day Poem:
    Spoiler
    Show
    Following Raistlin1040's advice about line breaks, don't go crazy with changing the structure (or anything really) unless you decide that's what you want to change.

    My advice on line breaks in the first stanza would be to put a double space after 'Falling from the sky.' The first four lines are great and I think convey more weight by themselves. Also, anytime there's a period in poetry that's a clear separation, so why not start a new stanza?

    Poppies are the traditional flower of Veterans / Remembrance / Armistice Day, symbolizing the blood shed in WW1. However when coupled with 'Red as the clorophyll- drained embers falling from the sky' and the pop singers bawling it seemed to me on rereading that actual wounds blossoming and actual warfare may be more strongly implied with the poppy reference.

    Of course, except for the line 'while bodies pile up in Wooton Basset Field', that view is contradicted by the rest of your poem, which is clearly about those who are sheltered from war and 'hypocrisy to the highest'.

    So I like the five lines about the pop singer, think they'd work fine as their own stanza. In trying to relate them to the rest of your poem though I come up with the idea that the pop singer is mentioned as a representation of those in denial mentioned in the third stanza.I completely failed to see how the pop singer related to the ideas directly above and below her though.

    The 'Too:' at the beginning of line 6: Instead of moving it as Raistlin1040 suggested, it could instead just be removed. If you omit it I think that nothing is really lost from the poem (except the colon) even when read out loud.

    In the third stanza ending the first line with 'While the' is I think an example of what Raistlin1040 was getting at. Some readers are going to get hung up on ending a line at that point in a sentence, seeing it as clunky and taking them out of the poem. Instead of moving or omitting it (since I like the following line, 'While bodies pile up in Wooton Basset Field and think it shouldn't be messed with) consider changing 'While the' to something else that seems more poetic and means nearly the same thing in that context, such as 'Still'. Words which are relatively unnecessary to your main point should always be seen as movable, removable or changeable until you get a final draft.

    Fourth stanza: The third stanza's content I think can be appropriately called provocative. I mean that as a compliment. Poerty is usually better when it's provocative. That's why I think apologizing right away in the fourth stanza for what you just said in the third is a step backwards in the awesomeness of your poem. Likewise it doesn't seem to go upward after that, it doesn't seem to gain any provocativeness back. This is creative criticism time, definitely not bashing you here but ask yourself, did I get provocative in these last lines?

    'But still I can mourn.

    I mourn for the Somme and for Vietnam.
    I mourn for Eire and Ground Zero,
    Iraq and Afghanistan.

    I was not there, but I can still remember.'

    I'm focusing on the aspect of being provocative because I think that's what you established thematically with your third stanza. The places you reference surely have great meaning instilled in them, but what do you do to connect that meaning emotionally to the rest of your poem? You mourn, but is that a sufficient theme to end on after going where you did in the third stanza?

    Try an experiment. move the ending to the third stanza. (edit as needed)then, omit this part:
    Spoiler
    Show
    I should not say this last.
    I too have no family in the forces.
    I too am safeguarded, like Siddartha, from the world's evils.
    This is hypocrisy to the highest.
    After that, write a new ending from that point without apologizing for what you did before. See where it takes you.

    Finally, if I have misinterpreted any key parts (which happens a lot) that make my suggestion ridiculous, please let me know. Happy wording!


    The luv poem:
    Spoiler
    Show
    Ugh love poetry. Don't get me wrong it's probably awesome but... ugh. Love poetry.
    Wow. That's a lot of thought that you've put in, and I really like your suggestions. I agree that quite a lot of the rhythm is clumsy and needs changing, and I think I'll try and edit the poem when I have the space in my head.

    As for the love poetry, I know it's rubbish, but I had to write something that would show what I was feeling. I just happen to be feeling soppy at the moment.
    Amazingly cool avatar by Mauve Shirt. May she ever be promoted and not demoted! *promotes*
    Books are a mind-altering substance. Therefore, I am high all the time.
    My old avatars. Thanks, y'all!
    Some poetry I've written. Constructive criticism warmly welcomed.

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