Useless but fun magic Items

[Segev]

You've heard of progressive knives, progressive axes, even progressive box-cutters. These vibrating blades cut much more powerfully than non-vibrating equivalents; just ask giant synthetic angel-fighting monsters!

Now, meet the progressive grenade! Throw, and it will vibrate, moving across the surface it's on like an over-excited cellular phone, shifting a few inches in a random direction before exploding!

*toss* *bzzzzt* *boom!*

[jintoya]

A lens that casts detect chaos, detect evil, detect good, and detect law all at the same time, when looked through and activated. However, all auras it can see look the same, so it's impossible to tell what alignment is being detected.

That is a lense of detect people... Useful for finding a hiding rogue in the forest.... He glows

Edit: by process of elimination, it's also a lense of detect true neutral

[Bohandas]

A talking intelligent tankard with the personality of Master Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

[Max_Killjoy]

Spoiler: Not sure if this qualifies, but funny anyway.

Show

[Bohandas]

Invisible pants- The pants are invisible. The wearer remains as visible as ever.

Flask of endless farts- When this bottle is unstoppered and the command word is spoken it emits a gorrible farty smell

Pen of Autocorrect- Any time the user of this pen tries to write an obscure word with it, it will be replaced with a similar sounding but more common word.

Portrait of Dorito Grey- When the subject of this sort of painting eats junk foot, the painting gets fat instead of them

The Butt of Vecna- Allows the use of stinking cloud 3/day centered on user. User is not immune.

[Segev]

Portrait of Dorito Grey- When the subject of this sort of painting eats junk foot, the painting gets fat instead of them

I'm pretty sure very few people would find this useless!

[jintoya]

I'm pretty sure very few people would find this useless!

Commoners would love it, so it's good for an adventurer as a sellable for sure

Ring of stereotypical accents:
This ring grants a +3 to diplomacy checks with people who possess the same accent the ring mimics
Each day this ring randomly selects an accent for it's wearer, the accent is selected from those which have been spoken within 1 mile of the Ring within the past 3 days (so it's more likely to get one you will encounter.)
It then causes the wearer to speak in a bad/butchered and offensive version of that accent for the remainder of the day. The nature of this offense inflicts a -3 to diplomacy checks to everyone it offends
This ring sizes itself to be just small enough that it's wearer cannot remove it without destroying it or removing the finger

[DaleFrancis]

amulet of delay:
when wearing this amulet any sound that would result from a direct action of the character is dealyed 1d4 rounds at random.

[Segev]

Invisible Plate Mail: Not entirely useless, but it's just the suit of armor that's invisible. It takes twice as long to don or doff unless the people involved can see invisible things, and if you're wearing different clothes under it, they look to be all you're wearing. Though they'll appear pretty rumpled, being crushed oddly beneath the armor and its under-padding. Still weighs the same, and makes all the same noise, and can be felt if touched.

[Wardog]

[QUOTE=Segev;23896590]Invisible Plate /QUOTE]

Could be pretty useful for confusing or misdirecting your enemies. Especially if the party wizard can make himself look as though he's wearing plate.

[Bohandas]

*Decanter of Endless Non-Alcoholic Beer

*A clock with a century hand and a millenium hand but no smaller units of time

*Decanter of Endless Tar (wow, this thing's taking it's sweet time)

[Lord Torath]

Portrait of Dorito Grey- When the subject of this sort of painting eats junk foot, the painting gets fat instead of them

I'm pretty sure very few people would find this useless!

I submit unto you:

There are no rules for tummy aches!

No rules for weight gain, either. So yes, useless.

[Trang Oul]

Rings of Battle Prowess
A pair of rings. When worn on fingers of both hands, grant a significant bonus to attack and damage. Catch: the rings are interlocked.

Headband of Communication
Come in pairs. Anything spoken by the wearer of one Headband is heard by the wearer of another one. Catch: 5 ft range.

Belt of Halfling Strength
Increases the wearer's strength to 8 or leaves it unchanged if it's already higher.

Ring/Amulet of Broken Wishes
Each time the wearer wishes for something (even in everyday speech, not only when casting Wish spell), the wish is granted. Catch: the wish is always twisted, and produces undesired, if not outright negative results.
Example: "I wish I had a Sword of Mighty Glacier." Result: sword literally made of ice, i.e. an icicle.
When worn, Wish spell can no longer replicate a lower spell and produces appropriate undesired results instead (such as literally burning hands or stone skin, making a creature petrified). The wearer is not aware of that until casting Wish, resulting in wasted spell.

Corona of Eloquence
When speaking, the wearer frequently uses loanwords from various foreign languages. The wearer does it subconsciously - the item does not grant knowledge of those languages.

Amulet of Regression
Voice of the wearer is like of a baby. Words can be understood perfectly, just the pitch is higher.

Amulet of Inner Demon
Opposite of the above one. Voice is like of a demon. Not terribly loud, just lower, deeper.

Pants of Relieve
Otherwise ordinary pair of pants. Front and back is enchanted so organic waste can pass through them without leaving a trace.

Cloak of Bad Luck
Increases chance of getting hit by a bird dropping.

Inexperienced Falconer's Glove
When worn, attracts birds so they sit on the wearer's hand. However, instead of raptors, it attracts small, harmless birds, such as sparrows or starlings.

Magical mundane items
In most fantasy settings magic is abundant, as are magic items. If adventurers are running with +3 vorpal swords, why not +3 ploughs for (rich) farmers - the ones which plough larger area than they physically should, and less tiring when used.
Another example: +5 ladle - meals prepared with it are exquisite, as prepared by a master cook.

Enchanted Broom
An animate broom which sweeps floor on a command.
Setting appropriate equivalent of Roomba.

Scissors/Razor of Regrowth
Hair cut by this item grow back much quicker than naturally, and are longer and thicker.

Helm of Dwarven Shame
Otherwise finely crafted dwarven helmet. After wearing it for a day, the wearer loses all facial hair next day. Works on dwarves only, of both sexes. Presumably created by an elven prankster smith.

Bow/Crossbow of Broker Eardrums
Opposite of a silenced gun. Each shot sounds like a loud gunshot instead of a gentle pluck. Definitely not for stealth missions, but on the other hand can intimidate the enemy.

Ballista/Catapult of Broker Eardrums
Scaled up version of above one. Sounds like a cannon shot.

Mug of Thermodynamics Violation
Beverages served in this Mug have appropriate temperature (e.g. beer - cold, coffee - hot). When poured out of the Mug, but not when drinking, liquid reverts to ambient temperature. Plain water is unaffected.

Potion of Rainbow Guts
Temporarily changes the color of the blood (or other bodily fluid). Often used by apprentice alchemists as a prank.

X of Many Woods
Magic property which can be applied to wooden items. Each day, it changes the wood it is made of. Only mundane woods, such as oak, walnut, chestnut; no zalantar, ironwood and so on. If applied to an item which usability depends on wood's properties, will impact its usability: a cedar bow is fantastic, a linden one - not so much...

Companion Cube
A large, rigid cube with a heart drawn on each side. When hugged, it is felt soft, and produces a pleasant, soothing warmth, like a mother's hug. Removes negative mind effects, such as fear, rage and so on. Can only be used in safe places (definitely not in combat).
When forcibly removed or threatened with damage, the owner will defend it fiercely.

Enchanted Bath
On command fills with warm water with a thick layer of bubbles. Due to addition of bubble bath, the water is not drinkable.

Eternal Cradle
A row of suspended metal balls. When a ball at the end is lifted and released so it strikes the rest, the ball at the opposite side is launched upward, which then falls and launches the opposite ball and so on. Such movement is eternal.
When someone tries to harness mechanical energy from the device, it ceases to work - it can only be used as a decoration.

The Headband of Reverse Intellect: If an idiot wears it, he/she becomes a genius. If a smart person wears it, he/she becomes stupid.

Obviously OP. Just give it to the party's brute.

[truemane]

Metamagic Mod: what about the Diadem of Infinite Thread Necromancy?