Shiro's Collections of Writing and Poetry (and drawings and such as well)

[Viera Champion]

This thread is a place for me to put my work both for the Contest Competition thingamajig and just for general feedback on it. Thank you.

[Viera Champion]

Week 1 of The Challenge

1) Grow and Gone (Poem)

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A single cell—
Then color: Red
Red turns to
Crimson; like blood

Crimson:
Color of Anger
And Danger—
Hate

Crimson gains essence:
Shape. Form.
A petal and
A droplet

The droplet is
Water. Clear.
More petals.
A bud

Rain—
From a droplet;
The bud blooms
Into a rose

The rose:
Giver of love;
Pains the heart.
A garden

The rose grows thorns;
They draw blood.
Other flowers painted,
Now bloody crimson

Blackness—
Ravens in the sky;
Messengers
Of death

One by one
The flowers leave;
Taken by the beasts
No more blood.

People cry,
Not for the roses
But for the ravens;
For their fates

2) Emptiness (Poem)

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I'm too empty to be called a void;
No cold or warmth; only blue—
A deep blue, I find myself
Reminded of rain.
At least rain has a meaning;

How I wish I could be rain,
Always falling—but full,
Not empty.
Creating, destroying; rain brings
Sorrow and fun—fear!

I'm certain fear would be it:
What I would feel if I could.
Nothing can penetrate this
Emptiness
It is too empty to be called a void

3) Power of Legends: Prologue (Story)

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Long ago, when the world was young, 7 beasts roamed the land Kahr’Vass. They terrorized the people and threatened to throw Khar’Vass into complete chaos. These beasts were known as wyrms. They were humongous, frightening creatures with immense strength and power.*So the people created six gems, with even more destructive power than the wyrms.
They used these artifacts to defeat the beasts, driving six of them away from Khar’Vass, to never bother the people again.
The Elf-Queen herself dealt with the seventh one, the terrifying MageWyrm, Marrgon. She used all of her strength and locked Marrgon away in an eternal slumber, curled up in a magical orb of air, deep in the elven castle. She spends her days man Yet what the people of Khar’Vass did not know, was that there was another wyrm. And this is where our story begins.

4) Luck (Poem based on this weeks theme)

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Luck is a Lady
of green and gray.
She gives you gold
and makes you pay.

Luck is a Lady
of silver and gold.
She deals you cards
and makes you fold.

Luck is a Lady
of black and white.
With no bias
and no fight.

5) Watch Me (poem)

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Watch me Scream. Watch me Cry.

Watch me Sing, and Dance, and Fly.

Watch me Jump. Watch me Leap.

Watch me Fall into the Deep.

It matters not if you can See me.

All you need to do is Be me.

6) Fire (poem)

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Passion burns
And melts your heart,
Sparking love
And burning hate.

Kindness soothes
The burns away,
While rage burns
Fire anew.

Life kindles
An endless flame,
And death
Leave only ashes.

Ice counters
Burning fire,
But still I
Prefer the warmth.

[Viera Champion]

From a Distance (novel)

This novel is kinda special. Firstly, because I'm actually gonna try really hard to NOT quit after the first chapter. And also because I'm writing this for someone special.

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Alone.

It's been a month since I broke up with my last boyfriend, and I still canny find the ability within myself to get over him. It is infuriating, always thinking about the same thing, knowing you can never have it. It is also painful. I cried when it happened, the break up, I mean. Not bawling tears, you see, just a drip from each eye.
I am not sure if I ever really got over it. It was tough. Even though it was long-distance, I loved him very much.

Time passes though. He moved on. He had promised me we could get back together if I ever moved closer to him, but I was not as sure. I saw it as an empty promise. Something he could claim to have never said in the future. The worst part is, I would believe him. I could not stand the thought of him lying to me, to the extent that I would subconsciously alter my own memories to make it truth. He was my god.
But he was gone. He had moved on. I had not. I do not know if I could. But he wanted me to, so I had to try.
This the story of that attempt.

[Omeganaut]

I would be happy to give you some general feedback. I like your style of poetry, I just have some ideas about spots I didn't feel worked as well as they could have.

Grow and Gone

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I like the short stanzas, they really give the poem a snapshot feel to each part, and it makes it a good cohesive description of the life of a rose. Now for critique. Sixth stanza, the middle two lines are pretty shocking opposites. Why do roses pain the heart if they give love? The idea of paining the heart might need its own stanza, and get replaced with something that fits the current stanza. Seventh stanza, the mention of other flowers seem odd. Maybe a more overt metaphor about the other flowers bleeding from the roses thorns would be better. The next stanza is about ravens, in a poem that has up until now been about roses. The connection is tenuous at best, and throws off the reader. You do bring the ravens back in the last paragraph, but the ending is rather unclear. Do you mean the people cry for the ravens? or for the ravens haunting them? And I don't understand why people cry for the ravens, but not for the roses, which seem much more sadness-inducing in their symbolism.

Emptiness

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I like this poems flow, but the line breaks, IMHO, detract from the flow. Each stanza has a short line, half the size of the others, and in a different place in the second stanza. I'd split the longer lines into two, and end up with nine lines in each stanza, as I feel there are nine important phrases or clauses (if you added a few words here and there) in each.

Power of Legends; What you have seems fine so far. Maybe a little more verbose and grand like an oral storyteller, but it is fine the way it is.

Luck; I like it a lot. If there were some way to get more stanzas in, it would be even better, but I fear that may compromise the quality of each, and so would tarnish the whole.

Watch Me. If you could rework it so that every line started with Watch Me, I think that would create a really cool effect. Otherwise, it seems fine!

Fire

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I think this poem needs either a solid meter or a rhyme scheme. Maybe both. Some lines just feel too short, especially "And Death", as it is two syllables followed by four at the end of a stanza. Its not a bad start though.

As for your Maiden's Tales, I wish to caution you not to make an anti-story. Leave some tropes in, otherwise it will just be rather weird, and making anti-trope stories have been done enough recently to make them a little old. Still, as one who hates how similar most fantasy stories are, I support your efforts to leave the beaten path!

You certainly have skills, and I would love to see more of your work!

[Viera Champion]

Ahhhh... I'm so flattered.

Thanks for all your feedback. It really was nice of you to take the time to explain what you thought.

I will take all you have said into account.

[Viera Champion]

Week 2 of The Challenge
I tried making art this week. It didn't work out to well at first, and when I finally felt like I had made something good my scanner broke down... So you get my crappier drawings. This is actually in my old art style... So my drawings don't usually look this bad I swear!

1) Genkai (drawing)

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2) Practice Sketch (drawing)

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3) Luro (drawing)

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4) Hopes (poem)

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Hopes are false
and Dreams are lies.
They're just views
that make us cry.
Love is lost
and Lust is fake.
Leave us to
our gentle wake.
Death is truth
and Sorrow real.
Show us really
how to feel.

5) Start (poem)

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When you start
You follow heart.
And when you end
You have a friend.

[Glass Mouse]

I like the "Start" poem. It's short and sweet. The luck one is very good, as well. It's always cool when I can actually see the images that are conjured.

Like Ome, I like your style of poetry. The short lines force you to be very precise in your choice of words, and you can really explore how to say more with less (which is poetry's most commendable feature, really).

As for Maiden Tales, making the classic fairy tale villains intelligent sounds like it's just begging to be a parody, heh. Are you gonna do a serious take?
In any case, I always support more unconventional fantasy (but you shouldn't subvert more than a few major tropes per work, or it turns... weird).

For everything else, I refer to Ome who's way more articulate and awesome than I could ever be

[Omeganaut]

I like your poetry style as well, and I do like the two new poems you have up. I just feel like Hopes doesn't really work as a title, it doesn't represent the whole of the poem, but I may be missing something. As for your drawings, I don't critique types of art I cannot make myself, and I really can't draw.

And thank you Glass Mouse. I believe you've made me blush!

[Viera Champion]

I like your poetry style as well, and I do like the two new poems you have up. I just feel like Hopes doesn't really work as a title, it doesn't represent the whole of the poem, but I may be missing something. As for your drawings, I don't critique types of art I cannot make myself, and I really can't draw.

And thank you Glass Mouse. I believe you've made me blush!

Thank you.

As for Hopes, the title was kinda the point. I didn't want it to have to do with the whole poem, just the first word.

As for the drawings, I don't draw like that, well not anymore at least. I suppose I used to. So I am rather glad you didn't critique them, cuz I am embarrassed by them.

[Viera Champion]

The Challenge Take 2
Week 1

1) Stuck Inside: Day 1 (story)

Okay, so a brief introduction to this story. This is a fictional story about myself. I know it sounds confusing, but bear with me. This is basically a story about me trying to complete the NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) challenge. It is fiction because most of this didn't happen, mainly because in reality, I quit on day 5. Many of the the more emotional subjects though, will be true, and will reflect my personality and may show how I feel on a daily basis, or it may not. Either way, you may learn something new about me.

Enjoy!

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It is the first day, and I have not written anything. I keep telling myself that if I double up the amount of words tomorrow, it will not be a big deal. Tales of other people trying this just make me more depressed. They almost always fail.
I just cannot decide what to write about. Temptation makes me want to write something of a homosexual nature, involving romance and the like, but reality tells me otherwise. What knowledge could I possibly have of such things. I am a 15 year old kid whose only cross with love was a long-distance relationship that barely lasted more than a month. But still, the thought of a gay romance novel intrigues me.
Yet, it is much more sensible to just do what I have always done and write some fantasy. Why not? I have plenty of ideas for such a story. One or two of which I even have fully fleshed out in my iPod's notes section. Maybe I should call Richard again. He could help me. He always does. Even if it is just giving me someone to talk to.
What if I write something sad? I have experience with that. I mean, my mom is dead, and I cry every day because of the fact that I could not cry then. Why not? But then again, I do not want to write very much from personal experiences, especially with such a bland life as mine.
I refuse to even think about writing some cutesy, humorous tale like in some anime. As much as I love watching them, that is not how I write. Not to mention, that such a style would not really work well without the visual aspect that a reader gets from a good manga.
I suppose I could write a romantically sad gay fantasy novel.
Nah.

Wow, that sucked.

[Omeganaut]

Keep at it. Your first draft of a story, especially a longer one, is not going to be great (mine certainly aren't, and I go through two drafts before I generally show them to others). Don't get discouraged just because it's not brilliant right away. Even great writers have long editing processes to make sure their work is the best it can be!

[Viera Champion]

Keep at it. Your first draft of a story, especially a longer one, is not going to be great (mine certainly aren't, and I go through two drafts before I generally show them to others). Don't get discouraged just because it's not brilliant right away. Even great writers have long editing processes to make sure their work is the best it can be!

Thanks!

The very fact that someone is always looking at my works and giving advice is really encouraging. Thanks a bunch!

[Viera Champion]

My Pokémon Team

Okay, so not too long ago, I had the idea to create drawings of all my pokémon as human girls. I am actually trying that idea now. So, now that I actually have a few things for the Challenge, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity.

Vaporeon:

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Butterfree:

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Espeon:

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[Viera Champion]

For Mindfreak (Poem)

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He loves me.

I think about His gentle eyes,
as they inspire me to try.

He loves me not.

A dreary rain,
it brings me pain.

He loves me.

And ever since the start,
I've loved with all my heart.

He loves me not.

It is a lie,
I cannot cry.

He loves me.

With joy! With joy!
A lovely boy.

He loves me not.

I'm less then dirt,
it hurts, it hurts.

He loves me.

With grin and glee,
it's Him I see.

Me Encanta Tù

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The richness of el chocolate.
The calmness of el noche.
As silent as un zorro.
And as fast as un rio.

Me encanta tú.
Tú eres guapo.

'Till Death do we Part (Poem)

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Our love is not bound
by "'Till death do we part"
Our love is just bound
by yours and mine heart.

Our love has no limit
it can't be controlled
Our love is fresh, new
it's beautifully bold.

We fight for our love
like nobody knows
We care for our love
it constantly grows.

And if someone says elsewise
you and I say
That we love eachother
each and every day.

[Mindfreak]

Awww....
I like it! Although I'm not an expert on poems...

[Viera Champion]

Awww....
I like it! Although I'm not an expert on poems...

I should hope you like it. I made it for you, love.

[Viera Champion]

From a Distance (novel)

This novel is kinda special. Firstly, because I'm actually gonna try really hard to NOT quit after the first chapter. And also because I'm writing this for someone special.

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Alone.

It's been a month since I broke up with my last boyfriend, and I still canny find the ability within myself to get over him. It is infuriating, always thinking about the same thing, knowing you can never have it. It is also painful. I cried when it happened, the break up, I mean. Not bawling tears, you see, just a drip from each eye.
I am not sure if I ever really got over it. It was tough. Even though it was long-distance, I loved him very much.

Time passes though. He moved on. He had promised me we could get back together if I ever moved closer to him, but I was not as sure. I saw it as an empty promise. Something he could claim to have never said in the future. The worst part is, I would believe him. I could not stand the thought of him lying to me, to the extent that I would subconsciously alter my own memories to make it truth. He was my god.
But he was gone. He had moved on. I had not. I do not know if I could. But he wanted me to, so I had to try.
This the story of that attempt.

Sleep (poem)

This is the final entry for this week.

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Sleep with out dreams
is life without joy.
And sheets full of seams
cannot warm a boy.

Life without fun
is boring and bland.
As day without sun
saddens the land.

And night without sleep
means sorrow for you.
The secrets you keep
are hurting me too.

[Omeganaut]

That poem for Mindfreak is very sweet, and I like how you explore the extremes of love with it.

Your novel seems like quite an endeavor. Best of luck to you with it.

Your last poem is just rather personal. If you were trying to reach a larger audience, you might need to change some of it. Otherwise, it seems rather good, although you may want to have some of sleeps benefits directly in, rather than inferred through what lack of sleep causes.

[Mindfreak]

I really like the novel already! Especially the title!
And the poem does feel like some benefits of sleep need to be added, but I still like it!

[Viera Champion]

I really like the novel already! Especially the title!
And the poem does feel like some benefits of sleep need to be added, but I still like it!

Yeah, it took me a while to come up with that title, but I really like it too.

[Viera Champion]

Retrying the Challenge Again...

So the first three poems I made were about some Jackson Pollock painting we had to write about in English Class.

Pollock(Poem)

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A flat expanse,
empty and dead.
A forest burnt,
with no hope left.
A myriad
of black and gray.
Overcooking
a loaf of bread.
A messy job
by poor painter.
A gem of thought
by great artist.

Value (poem)

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Value is considered not
by price or skill or looks,
but by interpretation of
he who looks upon.

All art has true value
in this piece it is true,
but how much is determined
by us and me and you.

Message (poem)

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the message of the Abstract art
is Change and everything
Diversity is full of colors
the Mind is full of thought

These next two, I made after an alumni who had become a poet visited my school and gave me some advice on poetry. He told me to just write, and that if I'm inspired, I should immediately write it down. So my first poem is from Spanish class, while the second is from history.

Live your life (poem)

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Vives tu vida. Live your life.
It is precious.
No vives sus vidas. Do not live their lives.
It is not yours.
Tu vida es tuya. Your life is yours.
It belongs to you alone.
Viva la vida caliente. Live life hot.
Never stand still.

Maps

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When a map is made
you make things look small
smaller than ever they were

A country gains a color,
and a placement and a size
but what represents the people?

Cities are dots,
capitols are stars
but can these symbols truely represent?

A map can show war,
but can it show pain?
the pain of millions

Do lines and numbers,
facts and figures
really tell us anything?

A map can teach,
but it does not know
how to explain

And this last one I made in Spanish today. "Me encanta tú." means "I love you" and "Tú eres guapo" means "You are beautiful/handsome" while referring to a male.

Me Encanta Tù

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The richness of el chocolate.
The calmness of el noche.
As silent as un zorro.
And as fast as un rio.

Me encanta tú.
Tú eres guapo.

[Viera Champion]

Spin (Poem)

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I spin, I spin, with sin, with sin
I tumble and I fall
I scrape my knee, stung by a bee
I stumble on the ball

A kiss, a kiss, the bliss, the bliss
It drives the pain away
I smile back, a love attack
This is a joyous day

Who? (Poem)

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Whose pain is harder?
The warring soldier
or the wife he left at home?

Whose choice is harder?
The politician
or the ones who voted him there?

Who works harder?
The big business owner
or the simple construction man?

Who tries harder?
The naturally gifted
or those who must work to get somewhere?

Worth of Earth (Poem)

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Can you have a piece of peace
Or is a slice not nice?
Can knife cut the strife of life
Or want four more of war?

Can you hear the bells of Hell
Or see all seven Heavens?
Do you know the worth of Earth
The mystery of Valhalla?

The Tale of Alana (Poem)

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The Villain steals the Maiden's gold
The Hero steals her heart.

The Maiden screams.
The Villain laughs.
The Hero draws his sword.

The Villain steals the Maiden's gold
The Hero steals her heart.

The Maiden inspires love.
The Villain inspires fear.
The Hero inspires so much more.

The Villain steals the Maiden's gold
The Hero steals her heart.

The Maiden swoons.
The Villain yells.
The Hero grins and laughs.

The Villain steals the Maiden's gold
The Hero steals her heart.

Visitors (Poem)

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They visit from a distant land
or just the house next door
No matter where they visit from
they're visitors for sure.

They come in tiny numbers
or giant happy bands
They come on cart and horses
they come in wild vans.

They come with gifts and presents
of gold, and silver too
Of incense, food, and rubies
they trade from them to you.

They visit from a distant land
or just the house next door
No matter where they visit from
they're visitors for sure.

Rainbow of Emotions (Poem)

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Red.
Anger. Hate.

Orange.
Almost. Wait.

Yellow.
Light. Joy.

Green.
Envy. Toy.

Blue.
Water. Cool.

Indigo.
Sensual. Pool.

Violet.
Sleep. Flower.

Black.
Evil. Power.

[Omeganaut]

Practicing is the only way to get better. So the only way to get better at writing poetry is to practice. Every once in a while you might be struck by a good idea and be able to come up with something good, but to improve you just have to keep writing, which fits in well with the challenge on here. If I had time during the year, I would try the challenge, but as it is I have other schoolwork to worry about.

Also, I like the poems you have put up, especially the last one. It is so simple, and yet it expressed such deep and common emotion that everyone can relate to.

[Viera Champion]

Coffee Shop (Poem)

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I sit in chatty Coffee Shop
with cheesy punny name.
I wash down after-coffee taste
with orange juice to tame.

I'm stuck inside a college town
a high school student's plight.
I'm visiting my brother now
just to spend the night.

And in the morning before class
we go to Coffee Shop.
To drink and eat and chuckle
and smile before we stop.

That which brings me fright

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That which brings me fright
is creeping through the night.
While that which brings me fear
is audible to hear.

That which brings me joy
is just another boy.
While that which makes me glad
is more than just a fad.

That which brings me sorrow
won't wait until tomorrow.
While that which makes me sad
is fine to wait a tad.

That which makes me mad
is very very bad.
While that which makes me furious
is more or less just curious.

That which brings me love
is sweeter than a dove.
While that which brings me lust
is something I can't trust.

and That which brings me fright
is still creeping through the night.

[Viera Champion]

A Commentary on the Wereabouts of Dorian Dare (Poem)

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"Where is Dare?"
My colleagues ask
while blowing out a laugh.

"I do not care"
I force a grin,
inside I feel disgust.

Dorian.
My only friend
has gone to hide away.

"I had to go."
That's what he said,
and slipped into the night.

And so I ask.
In case he sees,
"Where are you Dorian Dare?"

'Till Death do we Part (Poem)

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Our love is not bound
by "'Till death do we part"
Our love is just bound
by yours and mine heart.

Our love has no limit
it can't be controlled
Our love is fresh, new
it's beautifully bold.

We fight for our love
like nobody knows
We care for our love
it constantly grows.

And if someone says elsewise
you and I say
That we love eachother
each and every day.

the branch-toting dove (Poem)

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I love the Dove and the Olive Branch,
Which live hand in hand, as they say;
A picture of pure mutualism
The sunshine of my happy day.

I fear the Eagle, Arrows in claw,
Rainin down fear on my head.
I hate that evil parasite
Knowing I soon may be dead.

I reach for the Stars,
trailing the Dove.
Past the Eagle we fly,
for something called Love.

[Omeganaut]

I really enjoyed your most recent spate of poems. I like the hopeful imagery and the deep emotional bond highlighted by many of these, and I wish you luck in the future. Now down to business.

Coffee Shop: A good poem, It just wasn't as emotional as the others, more of a setting description. Maybe I just didn't get as much out of it due to how abstract the ideas were in your other poems.

That which Brings me Fright: I like the ideas behind it, and it almost achieves that sing-songy feel similar to Dr. Seuss, and some of my other favorite poems. I'd suggest trying not to have so many -ad couplets. It kind of distracts from the overall scheme of the poem, and makes it feel like an important element which doesn't seem to improve the poetic language.

Commentary on the Whereabouts of Dorian Dare: First, spelling in the title (I do that too, I used spell-check because it looked wrong) Secondly, the sound of the words doesn't really tie this poem together. The rhythm of strong/weak beats doesn't match, there is no rhyme scheme, the only unifying factor is the three line sentences. I'd try to find a way to unify the whole poem, either through rhyme, assonance, consonance, alliteration, or rhythm.

Till Death do us Part: I really liked the imagery and description in this poem. I felt that the repitition in the first and third lines of each stanza was great, and you should try to do it in the last stanza. One small thing, I felt that fresh, new should be reversed to be new, fresh.

The Branch Toting Dove: I really enjoyed this poem, I just feel you could do a little more with the rhythm to make it really good. The last stanza has two implied strong beats while the first two have four. I'd try to make them all match. There are also a few small word choices in the second stanza that would make it really flow (Second and fourth line could use another syllable), maybe upon instead of on, and adding a that into the last line (my preferences, but its your poem.)

Still, these poems are definately from the heart, to the heart, and I enjoyed them. Thanks for putting them up.

Also, don't feel in any way wierd about judging me in Iron Poet. I'm just a fellow poet, and honestly brutal peer review is the best way to get better. In other words, not that I'm accusing you of it, but judge my poems like you would any other. I want to see how I stack up against the other poets out there.

[Viera Champion]

Don't worry, I haven't changed my judgements for you.

[Viera Champion]

I suppose it is about time I got back to some poetry. So I won't have as much stuff up now because I am fulfilling part of the Challenge requirements with my NaNoWriMo novel, which I am not putting up to the public. Yet.

Seasons of Love (So I cheated off of Rent. Boohoo.) (Poem)

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It's winter time
I feel sublime,
the snow falls for our love
The crystal flakes
Our love does make,
your face held in my glove.

It's spring again
We leave our den,
the rose blooms for our love
The trees are green
Or so I've seen,
you call me like the dove.

It's summer now
I wonder how,
the sun shines like our love
Its gentle glow
That just we know,
the mystery it is of.

It's autumn days
The chilling haze,
cannot cool our love
From green to yellow
Warm to mellow,
leaves fall from above.

[Viera Champion]

The Pain of Love (poem)

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It hurts.
Love that is.
Losing it specifically.
It hurts more than anything can.

But one must not be held back.
By love that is.
The loss of it specifically.
One must move on and become strong.

It will always hurt.
Love that is.
Losing it specifically.
But it is the sweetest thing you can taste.

LGBTTQQAAI (poem)

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Love for all do we desire.
Grab the water to douse the fire.
Bring us strength and bring us hope.
Trade us faith to help us cope.
Teach us what we need to do.
Quietly from me to you.
Question what we came here for.
Ask us how to open doors.
Answer us with truth not lies.
If you want some open eyes.

[Viera Champion]

Enclosed (Poem)

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Trapped.
Held by nothing.
Yet enclosed by all.

Held fast.
And held together.
Above the fall.

Stuck.
Bound my madness.
Set free by truth.

Again.
Controlled by dark.
Hoping for light.