How to deal with a defeatist player?

[Talakeal]

So in my group I had one player who hated it when the going got tough.
If the adventure looked hard, she wouldn't want to do it, and if an encounter got tough she would have her character run away and abandon the party.
If she was ever in a situation where her character wasn't effective in its main role she would lose interest in the game and let someone else play her character while she went and played a video game.
And if they lost an encounter, or even came close, it was because there was a killer DM putting them up against "unwinnable" odds.

Any advice on what to do with a player like this?

[Kilbourne]

Talk to them about it to try and work to a solution together. Roleplaying is collaborative, and you have to solve your problems together too for it to be most effective.

[cattoy]

I recommend addition by subtraction.

[darkone123]

I recommend addition by subtraction.

either that, or if you're trying to keep her, plan for her not being part of the encounter and if she asks/gives someone her character sheet, instead you take it and make some bs excuse for her not being part of the encounter. Also no exp.

Its all well-and-good if you dont wanna participate, you just get no exp,gear,gold.

[Gensuru]

I´d say we need to know just how important this one player is to you

Because if her participation is not particularly relevant and you can have fun with the remaining ones why change the game in a way that might make it interesting for her yet break it for the others if getting rid of her is a viable option? I can understand wanting to win in order to have fun (personally i hate losing as well) but if it just doesn´t work with the game and/or the other players then don´t play and find something else to entertain you. Given how easily she gives up i really have to wonder why she started in the first place as it obviously doesn´t manage to really hold her attention. To be frank she (is is a female right?) seems kinda young/immature and given modern media a pen and paper game with far less visual input or other exciting stuff could seem rather...bland for a kid who is used to flashy grafics. If you are then either getting the difficulty "hard" rather than "easy" (in videogame terms) or simply not getting anything you want to work with (given that you character wasn´t designed for it, it wouldn´t be what you wanted to do) what´s left? Sitting around a table, having to imagine the flashier bits of what´s going on and on top of that you are losing or you simply don´t have anything to do.

If her participation is important to you or she really wants to participate for some obscure reason: talk to her about it. Depending on the specifics either talk her out of paticipating or see if you can´t change the style of your game without ruining it of the other paticipants. If she isn´t willing to take the bad with the good and you can´t modify things only for one person what else CAN you do? There will always be casual gamers and i don´t think those tend to mix too well with the dedicated ones. There is a reason i don´t play online multiplayer games. I´m not dedicated enough to work really hard at getting good and i don´t have fun losing against those people that have both the time and the drive to be good.

[bokodasu]

Step 1 - decide how much effort you want to put into this. If it's anything less than "oodles", don't play RPGs with her any more. Problem solved.

If you decide to take this on as a project, it's going to be an ongoing process. You'll have to, essentially, teach her what's fun about losing. Lessen the penalties for losing, increase the benefits of participating (not winning). For HER definition of all of these words. Find non-win/loss motivators for her and use the heck out of them. Does she want to be in-game powerful? Reward her with land, titles, respect -- non-combat things. Expect improvement over months, not days.

The thing that finally broke through to my daughter was saying, "you know what happens when your character dies in D&D? You get to make a new character! Yay!" It transformed her from an entirely defense-oriented flee-er to a kick-in-the-doors and kill everything player. (Um, now we have to work on toning that down, but hey, it's an improvement.)

[Tyndmyr]

It honestly sounds like she's not THAT into D&D. It happens. It's not the worst of problems...but I do agree that it's pretty hard to change.

You can try to find other things she likes besides winning, but some people are just harder to please, and balancing their desires with everyone else's can be tough.

[Trellan]

Some people just don't like playing if they think they can lose. I had a player like that for a while. He legitimately loved DnD, but he only wanted to play when he was the big, bad hero that could beat everything that came his way with the flick of a wrist. He would complain incessantly with every failed skill roll - even if he had 0 ranks and 0 modifiers to the skill - and even went so far as to just wander away (in character) in the middle of two separate "boss" fights, almost leading to a TPK the first time (I planned for his non-participation the second time).

If this player is the same, there's really nothing you can do. I tried talking to my defeatist, bribing him, reasoning with him, everything. In the end, I just stopped playing with him. He brought the game down for everyone else and simply made it annoying to be a DM and a player (as told to me repeatedly by all of my other players).

I guess what I'm trying to do is echo the advice of the rest of these fine people with a similar example of my own. Unless you're really willing to put in massive amounts of effort catering directly to this person or have some strong reason to believe they will change; don't waste your time. Just tell them you'll let them know if you are starting a campaign more to their liking, and move on without them.

[bloodtide]

It depends what you want to do. Some people are just not happy unless they automatically win. They want everything to be easy and everything to always work out for them. But it depends on how you react:

Make her Happy--Make her the almighty princess. Make her a star. Give her everything she has ever wanted and pamper her always. Give her a ton of awesome magic items and other stuff. Let her always roll twice if the first roll is bad('lady luck'). Always have monsters and such 'just miss'.

Make her Content--Not as extreme as above, you simply keep the whole adventure on the up and up. Never let things get 'down'. Keep all enemies and monsters weak and the players strong. Use the Disney type example: the characters know that nothing bad will happen and they will automatically win, even if they don't try.

Ignore Her--let her walk away and sulk and complain.

Talk to Her--You can always try this, though it's doubtful she will care or listen as the average defeatist person is like that.

[Yukitsu]

Sounds like IRL problems to me. See if it goes away, and if not one of you will have to change their mindset about whether or not a game should be a challenge.

[Thrawn183]

I would recommend an effort to show her that she can be creative. Personally, I've always found it boring to have a character that excels at everything. Part of the fun is trying to find a way for a character to succeed at something that isn't their strong point.

Granted, this will require you making sure that it actually is possible for her characters to succeed like that, but it sounds to me like she gives up because she doesn't actually think she can affect some situations positively. Once this changes, I think she'll be much more engaged.

[pluizig]

So in my group I had one player who hated it when the going got tough.
If the adventure looked hard, she wouldn't want to do it, and if an encounter got tough she would have her character run away and abandon the party.

To me, this sounds like perfectly good RP of a very careful and cowardly character.

[Shpadoinkle]

To me, this sounds like perfectly good RP of a very careful and cowardly character.

Very careful and cowardly characters like this have no business adventuring, then.

[ScionoftheVoid]

Very careful and cowardly characters like this have no business adventuring, then.

Why not, exactly? They might work less well with a party that doesn't share those ideals, but not nearly impossible to work with. I'd be fine playing with a character who was doing those things. In fact, one of my players is currently playing a character who regularly flees combat, and no one minds much.

The out of game stuff is just rude, however, and the OP should probably try to explain that most people (including their group, presumably) prefer it when there is a challenge, and the player can either deal with that or find a different game. Maybe invite them back for a while if they improve with a different group or if you find players willing to play less than usually reckless characters for a game (though I do not suggest tailoring every game to fit them, if you find a group willing to do a game they'd enjoy you could invite them to it). I'm assuming that apart from when they feel too challenged they are actually a good person you're happy to play with. If not just eject them from the group. If they're spoiling the game for no real benefit then no one should mind them leaving.

[Gensuru]

Very careful and cowardly characters like this have no business adventuring, then.

There can be good reasons for a coward to go on an adventure, too. Being forced, just to name one.

Then again pluizig might want to consider that while that one bit could possibly be interpreted as good RPing of a coward...the remaining actions described do not fit that theory.

[cattoy]

To me, this sounds like perfectly good RP of a very careful and cowardly character.

going off to play a video game and letting someone else run your character is never a sign of "perfectly good RP".

[MarkusWolfe]

If the adventure looked hard, she wouldn't want to do it, and if an encounter got tough she would have her character run away and abandon the party.

Now hold on just one second. Why haven't your players already fixed it for you?

Let's face it, most PC parties are like a crew of pirates or a company of mercenaries: Cowards who run away in the middle of battle don't get their share of the loot, and cowards who always run away get further discipline. If they continue to be cowards, they get booted out without a severance package, marooned on a deserted island or beaten to death and robbed depending on their level of luck.

Your players need to teach this defeatist that without risk there is no reward.

[ScionoftheVoid]

going off to play a video game and letting someone else run your character is never a sign of "perfectly good RP".

Which is why that part wasn't quoted, presumably.

[grimbold]

the DMG says that when you have players who don't want to play you should first talk to them and offer one of two options
1, Try to have a better attitude at the table
2 make her leave

[FelixG]

To me, this sounds like perfectly good RP of a very careful and cowardly character.

Sounds like someone who is setting themselves up to get PKd...I should know I have personally killed a number of cowardly characters in my time

Not to say there isnt a time to fall back, but running away during a tough fight then coming back wanting their share of the reward magically find themselves by goblin assassins I happened not to spot on my shift of watch -shifty eyes-

[LansXero]

If they lost an encounter, or even came close, it was because there was a killer DM putting them up against "unwinnable" odds.

Any advice on what to do with a player like this?

Sure. Talk to him / her and ask what about the recent set of odds was it that made it unwinnable, in their opinion. Then reason with her that it neednt be so. That you really, honest, pinky-swear arent out to get them, only to challenge them. Before that, ask the rest of the players about how they feel the challenges have been (maybe everyone is feeling overwhelmed and just gritting their teeth through it; some people are less vocal about complains than others). Tell her you will try to keep things fair and possible, but she has to meet you halfway and try, and if she needs any help or advice you can do that as well.

Be straight, avoid coming off condescending, and try to do it casually, in the middle of talking about something else, not like calling her to the principal's office, and it should at least let you figure out what to do from then on. Or if they arent really that into the game, let them off.