Relationship Woes and Advice 18: Finally Legal in Hollywood

[DeadManSleeping]

obligatory copypasta

Welcome to the Relationship Woes and Advice thread, home of any questions you may have: romantic or familial or friendship, we'll answer (or try to answer) them all. Three years old and growing. As Pancake says, this isn't a trade economy- feel free to ask if you have a question, even if you haven't ever given advice and don't intend to start. We won't stone you or ignore you or anything. All we ask is to know how a situation ends up, either in this thread or through a PM.

Here are the basics.

The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.

Rules Of Relationships:
#1- Communicate. If you can't talk with your partner, it's probably not going to work.

#2- Be yourself. Admittedly, if you have some really bad habits you should probably try to change them, but be honest about who you are. No one wants to find out they were loving a lie, and no one likes to live a lie (...well, normally).

#3- Accept your partner. In mine, and other people's, experience you have to be able to accept your partner as they are, because they probably won't be able to change. Also, don't change drastically for someone. I've tried it, my friends have tried it, it doesn't work and it doesn't end pretty.

#4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)

#5- Don't be desperate. You don't need to be in a relationship and the healthiest mindset is one where you are happy as you are, even if you do not have a significant other. Don't stay in a relationship that isn't good if you aren't happy, just because you want someone. This is detrimental to both parties in the long (and sometimes short) run.

#6- Be a couple. Set aside some time every week to be together. Just an hour, if nothing else, where it's JUST you two. No computer, no others. Just the couple.

#6.5- Maintain the relationship. Ask your partner every now and then how they are feeling, if they feel like the relationship is still going in a good direction, etc. Also, make sure you don't hide it if you have an issue with your partner or a relationship. The only way it can change is if you talk about it.

#7- Let your boundaries be known. This goes for everything from intimacy to what you consider cheating to any other thing you can think of. Pretty much if it's something that would possibly upset you or your partner, let them know BEFORE a problem arises. An example would be letting your partner know you consider kissing cheating. They very well might think only intercourse is cheating. Having that known before anything potentially happens is a good thing.

#8- Know the signs of an abusive relationship. Both men and women can be abusers, and if you recognize the signs early on you are more likely to be able to get out of a bad situation before it gets out of hand. It's never easy, but if you know the general red flags, it can help you to avoid the situation.

Another list - courtesy of Pheehelm and arkady

RULES. YOU READ THESE.
-Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

-KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

-Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.

I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

So please - play nice, and if you're not comfortable talking about things over the open board, PM one of the regulars (too many to mention), and I'm sure they'll be willing to lend an ear - or if you're not sure who to PM, post asking for someone to PM you, and you'll soon get a response

-Syka

Previous thread: Relationship Woes and Advice 17: natural numbers

[Jibar]

I just want to throw out that this is one of the best thread titles I have ever seen.

[Rawhide]

This thread has been legal since 16. Just saying.

[DeadManSleeping]

I was tempted to make it "Finally Legal in Hollywood" or "Finally Legal in California", but eh.

EDIT: Screwit, the Hollywood joke is gold.

[Starbuck_II]

Scholos

So are you saying that no one should ever marry the first person they date? That means, to me, that your first date should be someone you have no interest in marrying and you should just use them to get "experience".
.

Yeah, I guss first dates can be just for exp. I know I learned a lot on my first. Though I wish it went better.

[Serpentine]

Well, on his side: my high school boyfriend's parents got married as soon as it was legal for her to do so, and are still well and truly together with no obvious signs of fractures I'm aware of more than 25 years on.
No comments on this one, I just hope you have as happy a marriage as them (preferably sans the whole "forced caesarian" thing).

[Syka]

Important question: When are you actually planning to get married?

My sister and BIL got engaged after a year and a half when she was 19, and he was her first real, long term relationship.

It was another 2 years until they got married, though.


I don't think the problem is even so much experience with OTHER relationships, but experiences with relationships IN GENERAL. I know over the nearly four years I've been with Oz, I've added to what I learned during the three years I was with my ex. Especially whilst young*, I think it's really important to just take your time before actually getting married. Mostly because, it is a REALLY big step and you WILL be changing over the next few years. A year is not generally enough time to know if you will grow with rather than apart from someone.

My general advice is to be together at least 3 years before getting married. 3 years, from what I've seen, seems to be the make-or-break time where people realize they are growing together or apart. Kinda weird, and only anecdotal, but it can't hurt.



*The age people get married in other cultures or times is irrelevant to what we do in our culture and time. The different situations cause people to mature and different rates, etc. That's my only gripe with that.

[Sacrieur]

Scholos


Yeah, I guss first dates can be just for exp. I know I learned a lot on my first. Though I wish it went better.

Here's the real question. Why would I go on a date with someone I'm not actually interested in? I, personally, would not. If I don't have a romantic interest in someone, then I don't attempt to have a relationship. That is to say, if I weren't actually willing to pursue and invest myself to marry someone, then I wouldn't attempt a relationship.

This poses a whole, "you're inexperienced at relationships," shenanigans. Am I really? I don't know. I've been told I'm an incredibly surprising person when it come to new things or challenges, and that I pick up on things rather quickly. I attack relationships the same way I do everything else in life: with straightforward logic and rationality.

When there are disagreements, I want to talk them out. When I get angry for some reason I ask why and see if my feelings have any logical consistency. I question the results of my actions and wonder how they will impact others. I'm an altruist, so the last bit comes easily and even naturally.

I do make mistakes, however, and I always forgive my fianceè for her faults and errors. I'll be the first to admit I have them too. Despite being fiercely intelligent, she's also very emotional and uses her feelings to guide her judgment. When I ask why she behaved a certain way she gives me, "I felt like it." Or when I ask how she knows something she answers, "I just feel it is right." This can be intensely frustrating for a rational person like me, but I love her bunches and bunches, so I'll be patient. I've learned a number of things, but so has she, like thinking about things before acting on them. Or actually questioning things we take for granted.

---

I've always been a true rebel as well, with a near compulsion to question all authority. Often I go against tradition, so it is no surprise I'm willing to get engaged early (but not married mind you, we have all the time in the world). I guess just knowing that I'd be willing to marry her and I'm actually in this for the long run is a consolation.

[SilentNight]

What kind of distance are we talking about? Personally the last two long-distance relationships I've attempted failed horridly, but the only way we managed to maintain contact was non-physical, basically Skype/phone-call/email. A distance of a state, not too bad. But if we're talking across the country or in another country entirely, you might find it hard.

I disagree. Better to end it earlier if possible, when you'll still have a little time around each other to get used to being just friends. I guess it depends on exactly how serious the relationship is, tho.

Story Time: When my ex-girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me (because she was leaving for college), she did so a couple of weeks before she left. It was hard. We still spent a lot of time together, still did a lot of "couple-y" things, but we tried to limit that. And it got better and better over those few weeks. It was still hard, but it was a lot easier having had a few weeks to deal with it than it would have been to have it happen right before. Anyone who has been here knows it wasn't exactly easy. But in my opinion there is a difference between knowing something is coming and actually having it happen. Having her here to support me when she broke my heart, instead of having her gone and being alone, made it easier.

@Sarco: Well, depending on where I decide to go it'll either be two States or an entire country. (She's been committed for sports since November.) I think we're both of the mind that long-distance isn't going to work for us.

@Skywalker: The relationship's not terribly serious, we've only been going out for about two months, so at the start we weren't sure where things would lead, but I have to say I've never regretted it.

The thing that makes me want to end it right after graduation is that I'll be working for the better part of the summer at a camp way out in the mountains, and not only will I be practically unable to contact her during that time, but I feel like it would be an awkward pause if we only had a few weeks afterwards.

[Sacrieur]

@Sarco: Well, depending on where I decide to go it'll either be two States or an entire country. (She's been committed for sports since November.) I think we're both of the mind that long-distance isn't going to work for us.

@Skywalker: The relationship's not terribly serious, we've only been going out for about two months, so at the start we weren't sure where things would lead, but I have to say I've never regretted it.

The thing that makes me want to end it right after graduation is that I'll be working for the better part of the summer at a camp way out in the mountains, and not only will I be practically unable to contact her during that time, but I feel like it would be an awkward pause if we only had a few weeks afterwards.

It sucks man, it really does. I was in a long distance relationship for the longest time, it's tough, but you can stick it out if you're really willing to roll with it. And if you do it makes things much easier once you're together.

---

I had all of these friends in HS who I hung out with. Move on to college, I no longer hang out with them (no one went to the same college as me) - and I never really moved on quite yet.

(PS: if anyone from Ohio State needs a friend... =P)

[Sarco_Phage]

Here's the real question. Why would I go on a date with someone I'm not actually interested in? I, personally, would not. If I don't have a romantic interest in someone, then I don't attempt to have a relationship. That is to say, if I weren't actually willing to pursue and invest myself to marry someone, then I wouldn't attempt a relationship.

I've trial dated a lot, (usually outside of my social circle) just to see if I could maintain a relationship in those cases. In only two of them I saw potential for continuance, but circumstances (e.g. I'm an awful boyfriend in general ) conspired for those relationships to fail.

And I learned. That's how experience works. Oh, also, dating older men was kind of a weird experience and I don't recommend it, unless you're after stability. That's something older people will tend to have - money and maturity.

Also my remarkably homosexual advice still applies for straight people.

I've always been a true rebel as well, with a near compulsion to question all authority. Often I go against tradition, so it is no surprise I'm willing to get engaged early (but not married mind you, we have all the time in the world). I guess just knowing that I'd be willing to marry her and I'm actually in this for the long run is a consolation.

This is really not helping your case.

[Syka]

I'd also add that getting engaged early is, pretty much, the antithesis of rebellion. It's what people expect in a relationship between two (even young) adults who have been together more than a year. Particularly if you are waiting a few years...once you add that in, I don't know ANYONE who would think you are rebelling.

Trust me, it'd be more rebellion to remain coupled without getting married. If you look at the last few pages of the previous thread, you'll see my thoughts on this since I'm doing that with my gedonkle (hehehe I love that word and am SO adopting it).

I mean, look at my group of friends. Most have been engaged at some point (most have also ended said engagements). Some multiple times. I am close to five people who were married before 23. Four of those when they were 21 or younger (one was 17). 2 of those have ended in divorce, and one of those people is on their SECOND divorce. 3 are successful, and two of those were together three years or more prior to getting married (the last was a year). The couple who were married when my friend was 17 are still together, actually, but they are also highly religious.


It can work, but it's definitely not unusual. I'm a bit unusual in I've never been engaged, and don't care about getting married. Heck, I turned down my ex's proposal when I was 18, when we'd been together 2 years at that point.

[term1nally s1ck]

What's a gedonkle? trollface engage

[Coidzor]

What's a gedonkle?

I don't know, but it sounds dirty. *goes to google*

[Sacrieur]

I'd also add that getting engaged early is, pretty much, the antithesis of rebellion. It's what people expect in a relationship between two (even young) adults who have been together more than a year. Particularly if you are waiting a few years...once you add that in, I don't know ANYONE who would think you are rebelling.

Trust me, it'd be more rebellion to remain coupled without getting married. If you look at the last few pages of the previous thread, you'll see my thoughts on this since I'm doing that with my gedonkle (hehehe I love that word and am SO adopting it).

I mean, look at my group of friends. Most have been engaged at some point (most have also ended said engagements). Some multiple times. I am close to five people who were married before 23. Four of those when they were 21 or younger (one was 17). 2 of those have ended in divorce, and one of those people is on their SECOND divorce. 3 are successful, and two of those were together three years or more prior to getting married (the last was a year). The couple who were married when my friend was 17 are still together, actually, but they are also highly religious.


It can work, but it's definitely not unusual. I'm a bit unusual in I've never been engaged, and don't care about getting married. Heck, I turned down my ex's proposal when I was 18, when we'd been together 2 years at that point.

I call myself a true rebel because I believe rebellion isn't about going against authority or tradition just cause, it's about being who you want to be and doing what you want to do despite authority or tradition.

And it's not like I'm trying to be a rebel, I just am.

---

Anyway, young? Yes. Don't care. Our one year anniversary is in four months. I don't know, I've been through /a lot/ with her. I'd say I've gotten a good grasp on who she and we've gone through stages of relationships. It's not like all 8 months have been happy go lucky everything is perfect sort of thing.

[Sarco_Phage]

This thread has been legal since 16. Just saying.

:|

Isn't the age of majority in most countries 18-21?

[Syka]

Gedonkle: see last thread.


Also: Ok...yeah, not even a year is still awfully early to get engaged- I don't really care what you've been through. I knew Oz fairly well within our first year. The last three has taught me even more. What we went through in the first, is different from what we went through in the second and so on- and trust me, we went through a fair bit (LDR, other women, family issues, etc).

My point is, no matter what you've been through, it takes at least a few years to figure out if you guys are able to grow TOGETHER or SEPARATELY, even if you can work through major issues. It's an important distinction that you absolutely cannot get with just a year or two.

Which is why I suggested not getting married for quite some time. Engagement can also put undue pressure on the relationship, as well.

[Nix Nihila]

What's a gedonkle? trollface engage

WHY ARE YOU QUESTIONING HER RELATIONSHIP?! *flees and pretends to cry*

But, yeah, I don't think healthy relationships are really ever "happy go lucky everything is perfect". In my experience that only happens when one person isn't upfront about things that bother them.

[Syka]

WHY ARE YOU QUESTIONING HER RELATIONSHIP?! *flees and pretends to cry*

But, yeah, I don't think healthy relationships are really ever "happy go lucky everything is perfect". In my experience that only happens when one person isn't upfront about things that bother them.

This post gets a thumbs up.

All of it.

Especially that healthy relationships aren't all happy go lucky. BUT they should make you significantly more happy than sad.

[Sarco_Phage]

A friend of mine, a happily married professor, always held this view:

First, that "true love" is not only a myth, but a destructive and dangerous one than can lead to you getting sucked into a dead end relationship that is harmful for you and your partner.

And second, that a relationship - marriage, friendship, whatever - is a job. If you care for the other person, then your duty is the show that, to be a good partner, to be someone worth living with. If your partner responds in kind, then what matters is maintaining it.

[Coidzor]

:|

Isn't the age of majority in most countries 18-21?

age of consent v. age of majority joke.

[Starbuck_II]

:|

Isn't the age of majority in most countries 18-21?

Wouldn't age of majority mean age of majority of us in thread? I know I'm not still 18-21.

[Jibar]

Oz

I don't care if it's true or not, this is what I choose to believe.

Also, story time.

Spoiler

Show

So one of my best friend's friend is coming to visit for a week, so being the womanising stud-muffin that I am, I announced my efforts to woo her.
I started flirting with her online and she was flirting back, noticeably teasing me. And then we actually start properly talking to one another. All the flirting I can notice has pretty much dried up as we've been talking quite seriously and getting to know one another.
And I quite like her now. Initial jokes aside we're getting along quite well.
So, the advice I need is how I might tell she likes me while she's here and whether it's worth acting on it.
Because, you know, I'm an idiot.

[Syka]

Ask her out?

Seriously.

:)

[Sarco_Phage]

I agree.

Ask her out for coffee some time.

NEVER go straight for the dinner/movie option.

[Jonesh]

(spoilered for length and maybe some explicit sexuality, I don't think it is explicit but people's definitions are different)

Spoiler

Show

Well, I chatted with my cute co-worker. She asked me how the party was and I explained that I decided not to go (couldn't drink because of work the next day, too far away and I didn't feel like flirting) and we started talking about kissing and fooling around with random people.

She asked me if I fooled around with girls I have just met and when I said I did, she said that she could never do that.
When I added that I hadn't fooled around with anyone since the beginning of february (see my previous problem in the previous thread, I didn't tell her any more about that situation though) she said something like "Well, you will probably fool around with some random girls".
I had to, honestly, say that I've grown pretty tired of that and that I would rather flirt with girls that I find really interesting instead of like random girls.
She was like "Well, that is possible" and then asked me how I felt when I fooled around with random girls and if I found them attractive when I made out with them and stuff. I was very confused by those questions

I just said that it feels nice, there isn't much more to it than that and that I don't think they are like, jezebels or something because of they're doing that since I'm doing the same thing
Then she asked me if I was afraid of catching diseases from those random girls. Which is really a topic I usually don't talk about with girls I'm interested in (most often it usually kills the mood ) and I commented on the fact that such a topic is usually a bit taboo, but I said that I wasn't because I fool around, I don't sleep around but when I do sleep around I practice safe sex.
(I don't know if this is explicit sexuality but if it is I'll edit it out )
When I said that I don't usually talk about this stuff with people, e.g. I would not talk about this with a "random girl", she asked me if she was a "random girl" and I said she was nothing like a "random girl" but that she was very nice it felt like I got stuck in a negative feedback loop for a while because she got confused and I had to explain what I meant
Whatever I said she only said like "good" or "ok". E.g. I said that she was more interesting than a random girl, that I liked talking with her and that she gave me compliments because it felt like she was honest and often a random girl would just give compliments because we're kissing and stuff.
Basically, foot meet mouth
Finally I dodged it by saying that I don't really know what to say besides that I like being with her and that I miss her.

Then I changed the topic by asking when we were going to have our date, she said she was busy all week since she had been sick and then she said kissesbye because she had to go. And then changed her mind about leaving and said we could have a date in two weeks after she came back from London.
And I was like "Oh damn, it's a long time until then" and she finally sent me a kiss-smilie and told me to hang in there.
I said it was hard, since we've been saying we would have our date now when she had gotten well again. She answered that she totally understands, plus another kiss-smilie (I'm gonna abreviate them now I think to... KS will do ).

Then I said to her that date is not going to get rescheduled or canceled and that I was serious about that.
She said she'll pay for our coffe and I answered that it is sweet but that I don't care about that because I want to see her + KS
She said she wanted to see me too and that I shouldn't worry because her and I are going to spend a lot of time together.
And I said it is difficult, since I don't usually wait on girls like that and that if it would have been anyone else I would have quit a long time ago... but that I did believe what she was saying.
She said thanks + KS and I said that we are setting a date for our date and we're not going to move it no matter what and she agreed.

And then we made plans to have our coffee on a Wednesday and have a movie (either at the cinema or at my place)+ dinner at Friday. She's gonna bring some beer for the dinner and she wants to cook it together with me.
She called me "papi chulo", I don't really know what that means except that it seems to mean that I'm a good looking guy... or a pimp
I said thanks anyway and that I know that she always calls me nice things.

We are going to work together on this Sunday, finally, which means we get six hours when we're standing together at a half-empty grocery store. I was a bit bold and said that we could have those kisses we were talking about doing then now that she was well again, considering what she had said earlier in the conversation I probably should have seen it coming that she clarified that it was only going to be kisses on the cheeks.
Welp.
No major harm done I think, I said I understood, I didn't want to assume stuff in advance and we are on the clock then anyway.

I said I'm looking forward to it, regardless of kisses on the mouth or not and that I had missed her company a lot.
She said she was looking forward to it and have been missing me too.
Then I said that we were gonna have our dates in less than two weeks time after that so I might not even have time to start missing her again.
She agreed + KS
Then she said she had to go home and study when I asked her what she was doing (she was at school) but that she'll talk to me later or tomorrow + KS
I said that was ok, sent one KS back at her and wished her good luck.


My goodness, what a wall of text

My "Plan", as it is, is maybe some cutesy flirting ("Should we hold hands? ") and general talk about relationships and us two especially (after some general talk first of course).
Does that sound good to you people?

Also, any tips on a reasonably easy/not too expensive meals that would be appropiate for a dinner date?
I'm not a particularly advanced chef, I warned her about it that I can mostly just make really good Pasta Bolognese

[Keld Denar]

I saw a statistic a not-so-long while back, and it was something about the highest divorce rate in the US was among people who got married between the ages of 18 and 22, generally after 7-10 years of marriage.

I'm a member of a singles activities club (Events and Adventures, I highly recommend it for making new friends!), and there are quite a few divorcees in the club. Most of them cite "I was too young, and I didn't know what I wanted/was doing" as the primary reason for their failed marriage. That might be a bit biased, considering its only a one sided story, but it certainly is consistant.

Not saying that everyone who gets married under 25 is doomed to a doomy doom of doomy doom, as there are obviously people who do make it work (otherwise the statistic would be 100%, which its not), but there is a strong precident for young marriages in the US to fail.

As long as we are talking about statistics, though, allow me to throw this staggering FACT out there. 100% of all divorcees have at some time in their life, been married. That right there, is a strong fact. You can't make up statistics like that. 100%. Think about that for a while, people...marriage is the leading cause of divorce.

[Starbuck_II]

As long as we are talking about statistics, though, allow me to throw this staggering FACT out there. 100% of all divorcees have at some time in their life, been married. That right there, is a strong fact. You can't make up statistics like that. 100%. Think about that for a while, people...marriage is the leading cause of divorce.

(And here are some more statistics):
Yeah, and living is the leading cause of death. 1000's of people die from living every day. 100% of people who died were alive prior to death. Think about that next time someone says sieze the day, before you drop kick them squarely in the mouth.

Jonesh:

Also, any tips on a reasonably easy/not too expensive meals that would be appropiate for a dinner date?
I'm not a particularly advanced chef, I warned her about it that I can mostly just make really good Pasta Bolognese

Is paste Bolognese any good?

[Coidzor]

So your point is that people shouldn't be told to be cautious about things because they're going to get burned anyway?

In other news, Jibar, has a stud cat-muffin been made yet?

Is paste Bolognese any good?

There are those who like it, yeah. It's come up as a go-to dish for getting the ladies enamoured with a man's cooking a couple of times in this thread. Not sure if it was the same bloke all three times I recall it coming up though...

It's basically a meat-tomato-wine sauce with vegetables.

[Syka]

Blackened chicken with some sort of rice (spanish rice and red beans and rice have both been good). It's real simple too. Just take some chicken breast, coat it in the seasoning (we use Chef Paul's Blackened Redfish Magic...actual name), and bake it.

Rice can come from a box. My fave is Zataran's Red Beans and Rice.

It's yummy, but might want to be careful if you don't like spicy stuff. It's a little spicy but not overwhelming.