Need help with Dwarven Jokes.

[Vultawk]

Not dwarf jokes, no jabs at height or beard gags, but jokes that dwarves would come up with and find hilarious. I want to add in a dwarven NPC to an upcoming game who'll have the worst taste in jokes because they only make sense to dwarves and he over explains them.

I've only come up with one so far:

"Why do human wizards grow beards? Because studying magic takes commitment, determination and hard work!" *he busts a gut laughing* "Because, like beards, commitment to a task, determination and hard work are all very dwarven traits!" *continues laughing while everyone else goes *

Any help would be much appreciated.

[Alleran]

I'm a bit short of jokes like what you're asking for, unfortunately.

[The-Mage-King]

Two humans and an elf walk into a bar.

The dwarf walks under it.

[Vitruviansquid]

"Have you noticed how dwarfs under the Old Mountain swing their pickaxes like this..."

*pantomimes pickaxe swinging motion*

"... while us dwarfs under the Seven Hills swing their pickaxes like this"

*exact same pantomime, done with studied precision*

*raucous laughter and applause from dwarfs in the audience.*

[Lord Tyger]

Q: How many dwarves does it take to replace a lantern?
A: One, he's got an axe, and he's level with your groin, so you best not have been thinking of anything clever.

[tribble]

You could also have them mocking the elves.
(spoilered for weiner joke.)

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"Didja hear about the elf tha' walked intae a pole wiv' a hard-on? 'E broke 'is nose!

[Socratov]

"is that a short joke?"

"dwarf rolling down the hill: badum-tish"

"Dwarves are not overweight, they are undertall"

"what is scarier than a dwarf? A dwarf with his axe"

[Lucid]

An elf walks into a tavern, bets 500gp no one can drink 10 dwarven ales in a row.
The tavern patrons fall silent, one dwarf even gets up and leaves.
Half an hour later he comes back and asks the elf: "Does yer offer still stand?"
"Aye", says the elf and orders the drinks. Sure enough, the dwarf downs them all in rapid succession, not wasting a single drop.
Afterwards the elf pays him and says: "My congratulations, but you do have to tell me, why did you leave at first?"
"Well", the dwarf says, "I went to the inn across th' street, had to see if I could do it first."



Other jokes:
"An elf walks into a bar."

[jackattack]

Tell "blond" jokes, substituting "elf" for "blond".

Tell "Chuck Norris" jokes, substituting "dwarf" for "Chuck Norris".

-----

Why don't elves/humans/halflings/gnomes date dwarves?

Because dwarves are too deep for them.

-----

Why are dwarves always so sensible and reliable?

Because they're so down to earth.

-----

Why can't elves/humans/halflings/gnomes find the Underhalls?

Because an elf/human/halfling/gnome can't tell his horse from a hole in the ground.

[Daer]

dwarf shouts to orc army "one dwarf beats 10 orcs!" Angry from this orc warlord sends 10 orcs to kill the dwarf. After battle is over dwarf returns to shout "one dwarf beats 50 orcs!" Even angrier the warlord sends 50 orcs to kill the dwarf but again none return except dwarf who shouts. "one dwarf beats 100 orcs!" And again warlord sends more orcs after dwarf. This time one wounded orc returns telling. "It was an ambush.. there were two of them!"

or something like that

[Notreallyhere77]

Other jokes:
"An elf walks into a bar."

I lol'd on this one.
@Daer: I am so stealing that joke for my own campaign.

[horseboy]

I imagine it's rather dry and somewhat snide humor when sober (ie working) then it get's really slapstick when they're drinking and anything is funny.

[Cerlis]

Why Is it a mistake for the baker to trust the goldsmith? Because he's always Pie-right


(thats a Fool's Gold joke, son)

[Crossblade]

Going to quote the classics because I can.


Gimli: It's true you don't see many dwarf women. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance, that they are often mistaken for dwarf men.
Aragorn: [whispering] It's the beards.
Gimli: And this in turn has given rise to the belief that there are no dwarf women, and that dwarves just spring out of holes in the ground!

--
Legolas: They have feelings, my friend. The elves began it, waking up the trees, teaching them to speak.
Gimli: Talking trees. What do trees have to talk about, hmm... except the consistency of squirrel droppings?

--
Velanna: Why do your people revere the stone so much?
Oghren: It's because we come from the Stone. When we come out of our mothers, we're small, round rocks. Pink-streaked rocks are girls, and gray ones are boys. The rocks must be dipped in lava for a few moments each day to keep warm. Every year, a few unlucky parents drop the rock into the lava and can't get it out. Very sad. But do it right, and in a few weeks, the rock cracks open, revealing a bouncing dwarven baby.
Velanna: Like...an egg? That can't be right.
Oghren: Are you questioning dwarven nature and tradition? I'm insulted.

[eulmanis12]

why don't dwarves grow as tall as men and elves?
Our awesome weighs us down.

Me granpappy drowned in a vat of ale
course he had ta climb out three times ta use tha latrene

[jackattack]

Personally, I never trust anyone who isn't at least half as wide as he is tall. After all, stout of build is stout of heart!

Wizards, elves, scholars, sages... If you've ever read a book that's thicker than your own bicep, then you haven't been paying proper attention to your biceps!

Humans and elves and their swords... They try to make up for their skinny arms with "more reach", and for their tiny shoulders with "more edge". But any orc can tell you that a sword is, overall, an inferior weapon. Just axe one!

Humans say that a dwarf's beard is a reflection of his strength. Gnomes say that a dwarf's beard is an outward sign of his courage. Elves say that a dwarf's beard is a manifestation of his pride. But we all know better, don't we? A dwarf's beard is a sign of his modesty. After all, a dwarf with a proper beard can walk around without any pants on, and you'd never know it unless he turned his backside to you!

[Rorrik]

Why Is it a mistake for the baker to trust the goldsmith? Because he's always Pie-right

(thats a Fool's Gold joke, son)

This sounds like just what we're looking for.

Personally, I never trust anyone who isn't at least half as wide as he is tall. After all, stout of build is stout of heart!

Wizards, elves, scholars, sages... If you've ever read a book that's thicker than your own bicep, then you haven't been paying proper attention to your biceps!

Humans and elves and their swords... They try to make up for their skinny arms with "more reach", and for their tiny shoulders with "more edge". But any orc can tell you that a sword is, overall, an inferior weapon. Just axe one!

Humans say that a dwarf's beard is a reflection of his strength. Gnomes say that a dwarf's beard is an outward sign of his courage. Elves say that a dwarf's beard is a manifestation of his pride. But we all know better, don't we? A dwarf's beard is a sign of his modesty. After all, a dwarf with a proper beard can walk around without any pants on, and you'd never know it unless he turned his backside to you!

And these are amazing.

Why don't pixies visit the great halls? They feel dwarfed by our grandness. (or grandeza, I'm picturing a dwarf with an extreme Spanish accent.)

I like a woman like a good great axe, as dangerous from the back as from the front.

[Strormer]

To the ladies of the tavern (spoilered for naughty):

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Dwarves are like potatoes, we fill you up right.

[Altair_the_Vexed]

The Unwise Miner
There once was a rigorously pious and inflexible miner, who despite his strict observances was not wise. Daily he consulted the Priesthood before starting work concerning all signs beneficial or unfortunate.
One day, while he was overseeing the new works in his mine, the roof joists gave way, collapsed and fell on top of him. He cried out, "Help!" His underlings came over to have a look and said, "Be patient, Master. Let's ask the Priests if it is a good omen to dig here today."

The Mean Gold Smith
There was a gold smith who was deliberately hard on his apprentice. He gave him a bottle and said, "Buy me a bottle of beer."
The apprentice asked, "How can I buy you beer with no money at all?"
The gold smith said, "Anyone can buy beer with money. It takes real skill to buy beer without money."
After a while the apprentice returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to the gold smith and said, "Enjoy the beer, please."
Staring at the empty bottle, the gold smith asked, "There is no beer, how can I enjoy this?"
The apprentice said, "Anyone can enjoy beer if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy beer when there is none."

The Grand General
There was a Grand General who loved his children. One day he came home from campaigning and saw his son kneeling on the snow covered ground without a coat on outside the halls.
Having asked his son the reasons for such behaviour, he discovered that his own mother was punishing her grandson for a wrong-doing. He then took off his own coat, and knelt down on the snow covered ground beside his son.
His mother hearing about this went to ask him what the matter was.
"You're making my son suffer and catch cold. So now I'll make your son suffer and catch cold, too!" said the Grand General.

These are ancient Chinese jokes, tweaked to be more dwarvish - I picked them because they're sort of funny, but a bit unusual to our modern, anglophone tastes.
(I'm thinking that amongst themselves, dwarves wouldn't call each other "dwarves" - any more than I call my boss "human".)

[Medic!]

One that crops up in (literally) every campaign we do is from the Dungeons and Dragons movie (pause for groans).

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"C'mon lad, ye gotta get ye a DWARVEN woman! One with a BEARD! Somethin you can *hold* *on* *to*" (with vulger hand gestures for empashis)

[Razanir]

Tell "blond" jokes, substituting "elf" for "blond".

Aye, so a dwarf, a gnome and an elf all die and go to the Beastlands. Now apparently, Ehlonna had decided it was getting too full, so she made a game where you have to climb up a flight of 50 stairs and on each step hear a joke. If you ever laugh, you get sent to Gehenna instead.

So they all went up the stairs. The dwarf laughed on the 20th step and the gnome laughed on the 30th. The elf, as shocking as it may seem, managed to get all the way up. Before they were sent away, the dwarf asked the elf what kind of arcane magic he be using to cheat on this game. The elf simply replied, "Oh, that was the first joke I got."

[theflyingkitty]

Somewhere online I saw a role-able list of dwarven insults

[OracleofWuffing]

There once was a dwarf that did not drink alcohol.

[DarkEricDraven]

"Humans drink. Elves sip. Dwarves consume."

An elf walks into a tavern, bets 500gp no one can drink 10 dwarven ales in a row.
The tavern patrons fall silent, one dwarf even gets up and leaves.
Half an hour later he comes back and asks the elf: "Does yer offer still stand?"
"Aye", says the elf and orders the drinks. Sure enough, the dwarf downs them all in rapid succession, not wasting a single drop.
Afterwards the elf pays him and says: "My congratulations, but you do have to tell me, why did you leave at first?"
"Well", the dwarf says, "I went to the inn across th' street, had to see if I could do it first."

Hahahaha! That's awesome, I'm so telling that one to my group.

[Rockphed]

"Humans drink. Elves sip. Dwarves consume.


Hahahaha! That's awesome, I'm so telling that one to my group.

Quaff. Dwarves quaff their alcohol in whatever form they can find it.

I imagine lots of rock puns would be very dwarfish. Gneiss of you to drop in.

[Egiam]

Somewhere online I saw a role-able list of dwarven insults

http://dwarvenconspiracy.com/insult.asp *bows*

[Lifeson]

First, insinuate that dwarven women are anvils (Because Dwarves spend more time in the forge than in bed, or something of the like.), then accuse of wife abuse. Hilarity ensues.

[Funkyodor]

How about, "Meh second cousin Brunhild said she'd never marry a man unless his beard was longer than her hair, and she had locks that reached the ground. So one night my good friend chopped 'em off and now he's in the family! Hah hah hah!"

[Lord Tyger]

These are ancient Chinese jokes, tweaked to be more dwarvish - I picked them because they're sort of funny, but a bit unusual to our modern, anglophone tastes.
(I'm thinking that amongst themselves, dwarves wouldn't call each other "dwarves" - any more than I call my boss "human".)

Well, we don't say "human," because there's really nothing to compare it to. If anything, I would imagine races in DND to be somewhat closer to race IRL, in terms of conciousness of race.

[Rorrik]

The foreman went to one of his miners after an accident, the injured miner said, 'my leg, arm, head really hurt when I touch them.'
The foreman started feeling the miner's leg, arm and head, 'Does this hurt? or this? or this hurt?'
'No' the miner said.

Foreman, 'You fool! You've broken your fingers.'


When I was a wee dwarfling, there was a tall dwarf in the tavern o's head was covered in scars and he wasn't a pretty sight. A young dwarfling began sniggering and pointed the dwarf out to his mates.

A big burly miner jumped up and grabbed the young dwarfling. "Never, never, make fun of that dwarf. He's a hero, there was a big fall in the deep mines and he stood with a wooden bar on his head for 6 hours holding the roof up while his fellows were rescued. That's why he bears those terrible scars."

"Am sorry mate, a didn't na", said the young dwarfling, "He is a hero. But, how did he get that cauliflower ear?"

"Aw well, that happened when he was hammered into position."