Finding female D&D players

[Lyra Reynolds]

Conundrum. I DM an all-women group (ranging from 24 tot 29 years old), we've been playing together for nearly four years now. Due to some inner-group problems, we lost two players so it's now just the four of us: three players and a DM. While we still enjoy playing together and the group has grown much closer because it's only three of them (and me, of course), we'd still like one or two players extra, to liven things up a bit and to avoid the 2-against-1 situations that occassionally occur. So last summer we decided to look around for new players.

Turns out it's very hard to find female players. We have no requirements as to experience in playing, and since we play online location is no big deal either. But we really would prefer another female player. This isn't set in stone, but a woman feels more comfortable to us, it wouldn't break up the 'safe space' we have so much. We do a fair bit of fighting and so on, but we also still have plenty of 'girly' conversations, and we feel a guy wouldn't necessarily be so happy with that. :p And I want to avoid us consciously or unconsciously censoring ourselves because "let's not bother the only guy with girly stuff". So, another woman please.
I've posted a flyer on the bulletin board of the local game store and also posted on the online discussion board they have. I've gotten a few reactions, but only from guys. Apparently it's hard to understand the sentence "we prefer a woman"? (I also got one guy who managed to simultaneous pat me on the head and on the ass: "pity I've already got a girlfriend, but it's very brave of you to post this on a board with a lot of geeks!" Piss off.) The other guys mostly fell through because they wanted a tabletop game, which we sadly can't do because of conflicting and quite full agendas.
Asking one of our friends isn't an option: they either already play in different groups and don't have time for another one (we're quite a group of D&D enthusiast, having three groups in our group of friends), won't fit in our group, or have no interest in playing at all.

Any suggestions/ideas/tips? :/

[Kalmageddon]

I can ask around some female friends, they have to speak English, right?

[Morph Bark]

Nitpick (but the people replying to your call for more players might be nitpicking the words too, so this might be a valid problem): saying "we prefer a woman" is different from "we only want a woman".

There's the possibility of asking the guys who replied to your flyer/post for any female friends or girlfriends if they'd be interested, but if those guys were of the type that pissed you off that likely would either be fruitless or not a good idea at all.

I have only two female friends interested in DnD myself, one of which I currently play with and the other being a newcomer, but she likely would not be willing to play with strangers. There's plenty of female players on these forums though. But I presume you've tried the recruitment forums here on GitP?

[Lyra Reynolds]

I can ask around some female friends, they have to speak English, right?

We're Dutch and speak Dutch while we play, not to mention not all of us are as fluent in English as we'd like, so unless you have some Dutch friends... thanks for the offer though. :)

Nitpick (but the people replying to your call for more players might be nitpicking the words too, so this might be a valid problem): saying "we prefer a woman" is different from "we only want a woman".

True! I might go back and reword my flyer/post to make the wording more definite/clear/specific.

There's the possibility of asking the guys who replied to your flyer/post for any female friends or girlfriends if they'd be interested, but if those guys were of the type that pissed you off that likely would either be fruitless or not a good idea at all.

Yeah, we would like a player who's really interested in playing the game, and if she's getting into it because of her boyfriend/friend, then why not play with him? Plus the chance of getting random girls who get 'dumped into the girly group' because "look, it's all girls, that's not so very scary, is it?" (And then they get to the session where they fight a Dread Witch who uses the characters' backgrounds for her Fear Spells... that was a FUN session to DM.)

There's plenty of female players on these forums though. But I presume you've tried the recruitment forums here on GitP?

...... I wasn't even aware there was a recruitment forum here.

[Hazzardevil]

Honestly, I would ask around with people you and the rest of the group know, that would be your best shot, although I don't know you, so this could end up going disastrously wrong if you have been captured inducted by a Cult Church.

[Kalmageddon]

We're Dutch and speak Dutch while we play, not to mention not all of us are as fluent in English as we'd like, so unless you have some Dutch friends... thanks for the offer though. :)

Nope, as you guessed I don't know any Dutch women/girls, so I can't help, sorry!

[Morph Bark]

It does get a lot harder if you limit it also to Dutch-speaking female players, yes.

Have you been trying to recruit on Dutch forums? (If yes, I'd like a link so I can connect to fellow Dutch DnD players. If no, well, I only once found such a forum, but now its long dead sadly.)

One idea that comes to mind is coming to the annual Dutch Playground Meet-up and see if any girls there would be interested, but those you might as well recruit from here (if they check the recruitment forum at all that is). Do keep in mind that in the recruitment forum a thread can be pushed back several pages in a day easily. It's more fitted for Play-by-Post games on GitP (occassionally via skype or IRC channels or such), but worth a try perhaps.


EDIT: You could still try asking people around you who aren't DnD players. They might end up being interested, now or later. Just a few days ago one of my old friends told me he'd like to be part of our campaign and learn to play DnD, which came as quite a surprise as he was averse to it over a year ago!

If none of that works, you could instead budge and go for a guy instead, putting in your flyers/posts that you all have boyfriends already either way and they will need to be willing to participate in girly talk. It doesn't matter if you're all single, at least you won't attract guys with the wrong ideas. Alternatively, you'll end up with a gay or asexual guy or a metrosexual who loves talking about girly stuff as well. From that point on, all that needs to happen is for the newcomer and the group members to become accomodated to one another and feel comfortable in such talks.

[Chilingsworth]

It's been a few years for me, but I remember the Neverwinter Nights gameworld of Avlis had a significant Dutch membership.

Just checked, and the world (or at least a site supporting it) still exists.

Here


On another note, might the name Elong Singalong mean anything to you or any of your players?

[Knaight]

Have you offered a space to anyone who doesn't yet play D&D? There might be some people who are interested in trying, particularly if they are already interested in other "nerdy" or "geeky" things. That could apply to both online and offline friends.

[Heliomance]

It's also entirely possible that some of those men enquiring would be absolutely fine with the girly conversations and everything. Men are no more homogenous than women.

[Kurald Galain]

We're Dutch and speak Dutch while we play, not to mention not all of us are as fluent in English as we'd like, so unless you have some Dutch friends... thanks for the offer though. :)

There are some Dutch RPG-related mailing lists, as well as Dutch gaming clubs. Would that be a good place to ask? I find that gaming stores are much more male-dominated than gaming clubs are.

[Tyndmyr]

Honestly, I don't see the issue with having an all-girl group. I've been a guy playing in a mostly female group before, and it wasn't a problem in the slightest.

Now, obviously, the sort of fellow making ridiculous comments as if you were seeking a boyfriend is not really the kind of guy you want, but I wouldn't worry about gender overmuch, especially for an internet game. Frankly, so long as they can play nice with everyone else, I've not found that things like gender matter at all. Some guys are quite ok with girly stuff happening at the gaming table, and it need not be an issue at all.

I would probably not even include the "all girl group" thing in the advertisement, as it might attract more people who are interested more in the girls than in the game. Instead, I'd focus on advertising the game, and see who answers that gels with the group.

[Slipperychicken]

I don't know much about European traditions, but most of the groups I've played in (US northeast) have 2+ women in them, and it doesn't feel awkward at all. One of my current groups has a roughly equal male/female ratio and the game runs just fine.


Personally, groups (of any kind) advertised as gender-exclusive kind of bug me. There isn't that much difference between the sexes. You even see the same patterns in women players as men (munchkin, greedy, excessively-violent, roleplay-enthusiast, inattentive, etc.)

[Bagelson]

As it happens, I have a Dutch friend who has at times expressed an interest in roleplaying, but has never really had the chance. I showed her this thread and hopefully she will remember to contact you about it.

[Jay R]

The biggest problems appear to be in the advertisement.

1. If you won't accept a male player, then say that unambiguously. "We prefer a woman" implies that a man might be acceptable if no women show up. Do you realize how appealing a group of 24- to 29-year-old female D&D players would be to the geeks who cannot get a girlfriend? This ad will attract the men you most want to avoid.

2. Mention the most restrictive qualification first. You ad should start with "Seeking Dutch-speaking female players". This catches the eye of Dutch-speaking females, and tells others not to apply.

3. Finally, only advertise in Dutch. At present, you are actually seeking for Dutch- and English- speaking females, which is more restrictive than you need to be.

In short, you appear to be using an ad that will attract English-speaking guys who will condescend to women, while not reaching Dutch-speaking women who can't read English.

[DragonFang]

You can sign up at the Dutch Spellendoos forum and place your ad there:
spellendoos dot nl / dnd

[Princess]

I'm interested. Mind sending me more game info via PM?

[DropsonExistanc]

On a slightly related note, I've sometimes found that female gamers don't have the same preferences for company as the general female populace. My coworker and I (working at a gaming store) have both admitted feeling generally more comfortable around guys than other women. Women like us could be even less likely to answer an ad advertising for female gamers!

As for typical group composition, you guessed it, the lone female in multiple different groups

[Ricky S]

Just advertise that you only want females and you are a female gaming group. If you dont any females wishing to join might think it is a group of guys looking for some girls.

I know you dont want complicated group dynamics by introducing a guy but there are many guys who are respectful of boundaries and would be more than happy to talk about girl things while gaming.

[Lyra Reynolds]

Heh, see what happens when I don't check the forum for a week. :p

I have asked around my friend group. They either really have no interest in playing (and we currently have three groups running so it's not like they were unaware they were groups they could join), even after having been asked several times; they already are in one of the play groups, or they really don't fit the dynamic of my group.

I do agree that it's no problem to play in a mixed group. I'm in two other groups as well (yeah, I really have no life), both mixed groups with one having 2 guys and three girls and one having three girls and one guy. It works perfectly fine. It's more the particular dynamic in the group I DM. We've been a girl's group from the start so it's what we're used to. The 'problem', if you will, is actually exactly the fact that we *do* have one player who has more affinity with guys, and playing with us is one of the few 'girly' things she does. She's not one to show emotions easily, and the group offers a safe space, so to speak, for her to get her softer side out, to cuddle her NPC children and such. I've discussed adding a guy with the group, and she herself noted that if we did get a guy, she'd most likely hide that softer part of her again. She's also a rather dominating player (although she really does try to keep that part of her in check and has acknowledged that fact to us) so it's too easy for her to pull the other players with her to the more kick-in-the-door style of playing, even though the others aren't really much into that style. It's honestly really mostly to maintain that safe space for the least girly girl in the group!
Of course, there are plenty of guys who are completely ok with roleplaying and not much roll-playing, who would love cuddling NPC babies too, etc, but as far as I'm aware, those are rather thin on the ground, so it's easier to look for a woman to begin with.

I do agree that in retrospect, the poster/ad should have been more definite. BTW, I put the poster (in Dutch) up in my LGS and on two dutch fora (the Elf Fantasy board and the board of my LGS, for anyone interested), so there would be no confusion as to the language spoken. Perhaps I should have made that clearer in my original post.

I wás contacted early last week by someone who wanted to play in our group and she seemed to fit rather perfectly, so it appears that I actually did find a new player - through a frustratrion post on GitP! :p It really does help to gripe!

[Zerter]

3. Finally, only advertise in Dutch. At present, you are actually seeking for Dutch- and English- speaking females, which is more restrictive than you need to be.

Yeah, 'cause Dutch (and Dutch gamers especially) never know English as a second, third or fourth language.

Anyway, to help this thread out: any (male) Dutch gamer that is interested in a D&D Pathfinder group near the area of Tilburg that plays every weekend (tabletop), I have a group that is still interested in players and you can send me a PM for more information!

That should help with anyone that is disappointed in not getting into the OP's group and is in no way an advertisement placed in a thread that's really about something else entirely.

[Morph Bark]

It's nice to see that you're keeping the group dynamic that way so that one of you will keep that comfort zone. One of my friends has something similar, though not for letting the girly side out (since he's a he) and having such a place can be very important to a person.

But I'll not let out my Psychology-studying butt go on about that and just wish you luck finding someone! That Dutch site linked earlier (well, "linked", I mean the spellendoos one) seems like a good place to start.

Yeah, 'cause Dutch (and Dutch gamers especially) never know English as a second, third or fourth language.

Anyway, to help this thread out: any (male) Dutch gamer that is interested in a D&D Pathfinder group near the area of Tilburg that plays every weekend (tabletop), I have a group that is still interested in players and you can send me a PM for more information!

That should help with anyone that is disappointed in not getting into the OP's group and is in no way an advertisement placed in a thread that's really about something else entirely.

Wait.

...Tilburg...

...

/is currently studying at Tilburg University and recently got a room close to the campus

/had wanted to get a game going in Tilburg so he'd get to DnD more often

...

/PMs