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Thread: Best joke

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    Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.
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    So, a woman died and is taken to the graveyard. At a nearby river, a fisherman sits and fishes. As the procession walks past, the man respectfully takes of his hat. After the ceremony, the priest comes to the man and says: "You've shown respect for the dead, that doesn't happen often these times"
    "Well" answers the man "it's not everyday that they bury your wife"
    Si non confectus, non reficiat.

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  3. - Top - End - #93
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    Default Re: Best joke

    A rabbi, a priest and a buddhist monk walk into a bar.



    Also a great joke.
    Last edited by Mauve Shirt; 2012-03-10 at 11:56 AM.

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    Default Re: Best joke

    Quote Originally Posted by Das Platyvark View Post
    Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.
    Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!?

    (or is that a breach of the Geneva Conventions?)
    Probably not a robot from the future sent back to exterminate all human life.

  5. - Top - End - #95
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    Quote Originally Posted by Das Platyvark View Post
    Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.
    Quote Originally Posted by Soylent Dave View Post
    Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!?

    (or is that a breach of the Geneva Conventions?)
    This thread suddenly becomes German? I did Nazi that coming...

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  6. - Top - End - #96
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    Quote Originally Posted by No brains View Post
    This thread suddenly becomes German? I did Nazi that coming...
    I lol'd.

    Okay, extremely dirty joke. Read at your own discretion.
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    Three nuns are at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says that as holy women who are supposed to be celibate, any part of their body which touched *that part* of a man must be purified in a nearby bowl of holy water. The first nun walks up, dips the tip of her index finger in the bowl and is allowed into heaven.

    The third nun becomes very anxious and raises her hand and jumps up and down. Saint Peter says, "Sister Mary, why do you want to go before Sister Ruth? You're supposed to be patient and wait your turn."

    Sister Ruth responds, "I want to wash my mouth out before Sister Mary washes her bum out."

    Btw, German speaker, I just checked the forum rules. Not supposed to do that.
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    A little euro-humor...

    Heaven: German car, english chauffeur, french cook, italian wife.

    Hell: French car, italian chauffeur, english cook, german wife.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Miklus View Post
    A little euro-humor...

    Heaven: German car, english chauffeur, french cook, italian wife.

    Hell: French car, italian chauffeur, english cook, german wife.
    Or as I heard it somewhere else,

    Heaven is where the police are British,
    the chefs Italian,
    the mechanics German,
    the lovers French,
    and it's all organized by the Swiss.

    Hell is where the police are German,
    the chefs are British,
    the mechanics French,
    the lovers Swiss,
    and it is all organized by the Italians.

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    {scrubbed}
    Last edited by Roland St. Jude; 2012-03-17 at 10:34 PM.
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    Did you hear about the Russian elections? The other candidates were Putin their place.

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    DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    Si non confectus, non reficiat.

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    Quote Originally Posted by danzibr View Post
    Btw, German speaker, I just checked the forum rules. Not supposed to do that.
    We're not supposed to quote Monty Python?
    Probably not a robot from the future sent back to exterminate all human life.

  12. - Top - End - #102
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    Two of my all-time favourites. Both short, punchy, and both benefit from being told with a little attitude.

    JOKE 1;
    There's a kid sitting on a park bench with a big bag of chocolate and he's ramming them into his mouth one after the other. A guy walking past sees him, stops, and says: "Kid, you shouldn't be eating all that chocolate. It's not good for you>"

    The kid looks up and says, "I don't know about that. My uncle lived to be 120 years old."

    The man says, "I don't think your uncle lived that long by eating chocolate."

    The kid says, "No no. He lived that long by minding his own goddam* business!"

    JOKE 2:
    Guy is sitting on his sofa, watching tv. He hears a car roar into his driveway, squeal to a stop, and his wife comes running in all out of breath. "Honey!" she says, "Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!"

    The man goes, "That's great! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

    Wife: "I don't care, just get the hell* out."

    *Replace with four-letter equivalents for additional, non-forum-friendly hilarity.
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  13. - Top - End - #103
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    Quote Originally Posted by Soylent Dave View Post
    We're not supposed to quote Monty Python?
    Post entirely in non-English, IIRC.
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  14. - Top - End - #104
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    Some jokes I've really liked:

    1. A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing shorts made of saran wrap. The psychiatrist takes a look at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

    2. Osama Bin Laden ends up in heaven. All of a sudden, all of the original members of the Continental Congress show up and start beating the living tar out of him.

    "But, wait!" Osama protests, "Where are my 70 virgins?"

    George Washington replies, "It's 70 Virginians, you a**hole!"

    3. So, a man sits at a bar when he sees this incredibly inebriated man attempt to jump off the bar's balcony, which is 18 stories above the ground. The man hurriedly rushes and tries to get him down. The man shrugs him off, and says, "No worries! You see, the wind at this particular spot allows you to jump to the ground nice and safe, with no injury. Just watch me!". With that said, the inebriated fellow jumps off.

    So, the first man sits at the bar feeling horrible that he couldn't stop the drunk man when he hears the ding of the elevator, shortly followed by the drunk man coming out. Astonished, he decides to try out the balcony trick himself. He jumps out the window, and goes ker-splat on the ground.

    The bartender slowly looks down from the balcony, then turns to the drunk man and says, "You're really a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
    Last edited by Pyromancer999; 2012-03-17 at 01:38 AM.
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  15. - Top - End - #105
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    somewhat political...

    A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
    The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
    Bush says, "We're planning WWIII."
    And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
    Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big cans."
    The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big cans? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
    Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartass! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
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  16. - Top - End - #106
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pyromancer999 View Post
    Some jokes I've really liked:
    Surely that should be:

    1. A naked man walks into a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist takes a look at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

  17. - Top - End - #107
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    That one really long joke about the Snake is 22 pages long in microsoft word at size 10 font....anyways...

    So, this Panda walks into a diner. He orders a cheeseburger. He takes his time enjoying it, finishes the fries, and drinks a delicious strawberry milkshake. As he finishes up, he pulls a pistol out, blows the head off of the person at the table next to him and walks out.

    No one really says much, which bothers a patron at the diner. So, he walks up to the Chef and says, "Did you just see what happened?!!? Who does that panda think he is?!" The Chef replies, "Look it up in the dictionary pal." The man went home and pulled out his Websters and opened it to the "P" Section. He read: "Panda: Eats Shoots and Leaves"
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    Default Re: Best joke

    Quote Originally Posted by late for dinner View Post
    "Panda: Eats Shoots and Leaves"
    You're missing an important comma between 'Eats' and 'Shoots', there.
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    If I added that Comma, wouldn't it have turned "Shoots" into a verb instead of a Noun? In the dictionary it is a Noun, but in the pun, it's used as a verb.
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    That's exactly the point. The joke is about an error in punctuation that greatly changes the meaning of something, and that error (the specified comma) needs to be present for it to work.
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    Default Re: Best joke

    ...WELL...ok everyone...when you read my joke, put a comma between Eats and Shoots....

    Here is another good one: In order for this really to work well, you need to say a buch of cheesy laffy taffy riddles before...(what did the fish say when it ran into a brick wall? Dam/ What do you call a person that crosses the street, rolls in the mud, and crosses the same street again? A dirt double crosser/ and so on)...say about 4 or 5 of them....

    Then you say, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" "To get to your house."

    Then you say, "Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "The Chicken"


    This Joke is all about timing. But, when you pull it off just right, it is gonna be the best joke of the night.
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    Quote Originally Posted by late for dinner View Post
    ...WELL...ok everyone...when you read my joke, put a comma between Eats and Shoots....

    Here is another good one: In order for this really to work well, you need to say a buch of cheesy laffy taffy riddles before...(what did the fish say when it ran into a brick wall? Dam/ What do you call a person that crosses the street, rolls in the mud, and crosses the same street again? A dirt double crosser/ and so on)...say about 4 or 5 of them....

    Then you say, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" "To get to your house."

    Then you say, "Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "The Chicken"


    This Joke is all about timing. But, when you pull it off just right, it is gonna be the best joke of the night.
    ...you're fine, I've never seen that joke presented with the comma intact. It's not a joke about a dictionary misprint, after all. =P
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    The barman says: "Get out, we follow the laws of Causality here."
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    I have two short jokes and one long one.
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  25. - Top - End - #115
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    So, warning, these jokes are probably really rather offensive. Just so you know.

    Last edited by Greensleeves; 2012-03-16 at 07:25 AM.

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    Default Re: Best joke

    I'm a bit concerned that some of these are becoming just a little too borderline, and I don't think disclaimers make that any more valid.

    On a lighter note:

    "Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear smart until they open their mouths".
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    "taxes are awesome, i like taxes"
    (other person asks why)
    "because before taxes, the only certainty was death"
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elm11 View Post
    I'm a bit concerned that some of these are becoming just a little too borderline, and I don't think disclaimers make that any more valid.

    On a lighter note:

    "Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear smart until they open their mouths".
    I think you're right, I don't want the thread closed, because people get offended.
    I'll edit a rule into the first post. Hope people take heed.

    And a joke:
    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

    Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

    “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

    “And what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
    Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

    Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

    Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

    Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

    Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

    But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

    Holmes is silent for a moment.

    “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
    Last edited by AshesOfOld; 2012-03-16 at 06:30 AM.
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  29. - Top - End - #119
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cobra_Ikari View Post
    Post entirely in non-English, IIRC.
    It's from the monty python sketch 'funniest joke in the world.' Anyone who listen to the joke dies laughing. So at the end they tell you the joke in german, which you can't understand, so you don't die because of it.

    But
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    it's not actually german. It's just gibberish.
    Last edited by Fri; 2012-03-16 at 07:59 AM.
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    Two old philosophers are sitting next to each other in a nudist camp. One turns to the other and says "Say, have you read Marx?" The other responds "Yes, it must be these wicker chairs."
    Last edited by Knaight; 2012-03-16 at 08:05 AM.
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