The Broccolich

[Messenger]

The following is an idea I got for a fantasy geek and social commentary joke. I'm worried that it may possibly offend some people here, for which I apologize- unless you belong to the kind of people being lampooned, at which I point I retract and offer no apologies. In any case, I hope you guys like it.

---

THE BROCCOLICH

The broccolich is a vegetarian spellcaster who has unnaturally extended their life through a combination of diet and magic. Unlike the more typical variety of lich who appears as a skeletal figure covered in rotting flesh, the broccolich's flesh is comparatively full and shapely although light green, fresh and crisp. What hair they had in life has since been replace by a bushy, thickly clustered crown of tiny, dark green leaves.

While a lich must create a phylactery to bind his or her soul, the broccolich's essence is instead bound to their vegetable garden from which they grew the food he or she ate during their transformation. When their physical, undead body is destroyed, a lich regenerates from their phylactery, but a broccolich grows from his or her garden like a giant, unnatural fruit. Depending on the condition of their garden, a broccolich tends to regenerate faster than a non-vegetarian lich.

A broccolich is notoriously harder to permanently destroy as compared to a typical lich: the latter is unmade by the simple destruction of his phylactery; for the former, the garden from which they rose from must be paved over and turned into a parking lot.

Every broccolich started their journey into undeath because of their selfish devotion to a long and healthy life. Like their more common brethren, a Broccolich is evil by nature, especially marked by an arrogant disdain of lesser beings who eat meat and show a petty but extreme prejudice against those who eat animal flesh, tending to attack them with particular ferocity in combat. They prefer using magical flames on such poor souls.

Ironically, though an undead creature, a broccolich's garden is often fertile and vibrant, growing many particularly nutritious fruits and vegetables and occasionally even beautiful flowers. A broccolich tends to their garden obsessively as it was through its vitality that they achieved their goal of a long (although unholy) life. They have no need to eat like most undead creatures, but broccolichs compulsively eat fruit and vegetables throughout their existence. Their plant-like bodies, however, do occasionally need air, sunlight, water and occasionally fertilizer.

Rarer than ordinary lichs, attacks perpetrated by broccolichs are just as rare as they spend most of their time tending to their gardens. However, their plots are often more devastating and aggravating. Unlike most lichs who, aside from their undead minions, are solitary by nature, almost all broccolichs are part of the sinister coven known as META- Mages for the Ethical Treatment of Animals*. When on the offensive, broccolichs are encountered among the company of their peers and other members of the dreaded and despised group with whom they cooperate to further their agendas.

* - Despite the name, META welcomes all who would serve their cause. This includes even non-spellcasters, such as Rangers. A significant portion of them are made of druids, many of whom have since become broccolichs. Female members are given the special honor of being required to wear extremely revealing magical clothing and armor fashioned directly from plant matter that curiously remains edible. The signature weapon of all members are large signs inscribed with magical runes and other forms of arcane writing whose hateful language is baleful to unfortunate enough to see and read it.

[Dark Elf Bard]

I like this a lot. Are you going to write stats, or just fluff?

Also, are broccoliches evil ?

[SaintRidley]

Yeah, some crunch would make this interesting.

The Broccolich should be Plant Type. No need to change the revival mechanic - the same mechanic through the vegetable garden should work. Plant Type just fits better.

[RebelRogue]

Yeah, some crunch would make this interesting.

The Broccolich should be Plant Type. No need to change the revival mechanic - the same mechanic through the vegetable garden should work. Plant Type just fits better.

Undead overrides Plant type.

[Grimsage Matt]

Must unleash on me players....... It's funny, insane and totaly awesome They'll cry. First time I've used a undead plant for a while......

[SaintRidley]

Undead overrides Plant type.

Not saying anything about what types override each other. I'm saying that it would be more thematically appropriate for the Broccolich to be a template that turns spellcasters into plants rather than undead.

[Messenger]

Thanks for the kind words.

I like this a lot. Are you going to write stats, or just fluff?

Just fluff. I'm not really a D&D player. From what I do understand from the D&D SRD, just as lich is a template you apply to an existing creature, the broccolich is also a template with similar rules.

As for very particular details, you can fill them up as you need or as you think is logical. For example, TBH, I myself am not sure if the extension of life that broccolichs have achieved makes them undead or has simply transformed them into plants. I even looked up a plant monster in the SRD to check for what vulnerabilities plants have in the game.

The idea grew out of the word "broccolich" suddenly popping into my head and me asking the question, "What is a broccolich?" "Answer: a vegetarian lich." I followed the idea in hopes of coming up with something funny.

Also, are broccoliches evil ?

Yes. Yes, they are. Very. You don't want to be surrounded by a bunch of them during a META-organized event. You might not come out with your sanity.

[Eldan]

What's next? Sea kittens? Demi-broccoliches? (They are vegan).

[Messenger]

Addendum: Someone pointed out to me the misogynistic practices of META, so I updated the note on that organization.

What's next? Sea kittens? Demi-broccoliches? (They are vegan).

I was thinking Bruise Lichs, evil monks who've achieved undead immortality through a combination of martial discipline and magic- except that I think I'm pushing my luck with that joke.

[Roc Ness]

This is just so crazy awesome. O_o

I was thinking Bruise Lichs, evil monks who've achieved undead immortality through a combination of martial discipline and magic- except that I think I'm pushing my luck with that joke.

Naw. Go the distance, maybe they'll get it better if you added Jet Liches as an alternative.

[Debihuman]

Undead (Augmented Plant) would probably be the best. You gain the Undead type and the Augmented Plant Subtype. Voila!

Debby

[theflyingkitty]

How might they be affected by cheese?

[Pokonic]

This....this is great.

[Eldan]

This is just so crazy awesome. O_o



Naw. Go the distance, maybe they'll get it better if you added Jet Liches as an alternative.

I suppose Jet Liches are formed when Wood Liches are put under extreme pressure?

[Deepbluediver]

Undead (Augmented Plant) would probably be the best. You gain the Undead type and the Augmented Plant Subtype. Voila!

That seems like it would work, if you are intent on keeping the "Undead" part in there; the only issue might be figuring out what special racial characteristics it had.
I honestly believe it works just fine as a Plant-only type creature.

Edit: Just went and looked up the Augmented Subtype rules, and the SRD says that the creature retains it's original type and features, but gains the traits of it's new type.
That makes it seem like the exact combination could vary, so you could have both a Humanoid (Augmented Plant) broccolich, and a Dragon (Augmented Plant) broccolich, with slightly different stats.

[togapika]

I was thinking Bruise Lichs, evil monks who've achieved undead immortality through a combination of martial discipline and magic- except that I think I'm pushing my luck with that joke.

Then I can be Bruise Lee!!!

[LordErebus12]

Then I can be Bruise Lee!!!

^ my reaction to this

Spoiler

Show