More Funny D&D Stories

[DDdreamer]

This one's from Pathfinder, but I think it still counts. Here follows the collected fales...I mean tales of Chazo the catfolk ninja.
Our party is as follows:

Akiloo- CN Darfellan Barbarian 5 (Not a Pathfinder race, but I allowed my player to use it anyway)
Captain Boram "Ballbuster"- LG Halfling Monk 4/Cleric 1
Sil'rand- N Elf ranger 5
Chazo- CN Catfolk Ninja 5
Fafmira- A large, three-mast ship aquired by the party when they killed most of its original pirate crew and took command over the rest. It was refitted and renamed Fafmira shortly afterwards.


A failtale of Storms and Masts

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So we're playing the Skull & Shackles adventure path and our party is cruising around the Shackles in their ship, the Fafmira. Suddenly a storm brews up and the party tries their very best to keep the ship steady while at the same time staying alive. Fafmira is rocking quite badly though, despite their efforts. Chazo is in his favourite spot, the crow's nest (Called the cat's nest by us since Chazo pretty much lives up there.). As the highest point of the ship, the crow's nest is rocking pretty bad so chazo gets an ingenious idea:

Chazo: "I climb out of the cat's nest and climb down the mast to the deck."
Me: "Alright, make an acrobatics check as the mast is really rocking back and forth and the rain makes it hard for you to see much of anything."

Needless to say, he fails , falls, and starts plummeting towards the deck. He manages to grab onto the sails though and hangs on for about a turn until he fails is strength check, loses his grip and starts falling again.
Through alternating luck with the dice he manages to catch himself four more times only to lose his grip and fall just as many times. In the end he smacked right into the deck and took some damage, but not even half as much as he'd have taken had he fallen all the way from the top.
One would think this would urge the player to be more careful around getting down from heights. One would be wrong.

A failtale of Ships and Badassness

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So about an in-game day passes since the last incident and the players are still out at sea, having survived the storm. As they round a small cape they see a pirate ship attacking a small merchant ship.
Seeing an opportunity to be all heroic they set sail straight for the pirate ship. As they approach the ship, it turns around to face them. Akiloo and Boram jump off the side of Fafmira and swim over to the pirate ship to disrupt the crew before they can attack coordinate a ship-to-ship attack. Sil'rand stays behind to manage the ship's ballistae.
Meanwhile, Chazo walks up to the bow with is spyglass to check what kind of weaponry the pirate ship has. He discovers a catapult and some ballistae and, ready to take action, his player turns to me and says:

Chazo: "I draw my swords and jump off the ship."
At the time it sounded a bit like he was trying to look all badass and cinematic, but hey, he could technically do it according to the RAW so I let him do it.
Me: "Alright, make an a-
Then it hits me.
Me: "You were at the bow right?"
Chazo: "Yeah."
Me: "You jump off the BOW of a ship that's MOVING FORWARD. You barely have time to hit the water before the ship rams you in the back. Not only does the impact hurt like hell but the barnacles on the underside of the ship tear your back up and the salt water makes the pain almost unbearable. Take 6d6 damage and make a fortitude save."
Chazo: *Does a combined facepalm and jawdrop*

Chazo failed his fortitude save and got some penalties to his checks due to his severe, salt-water enhanced pain and he spent most of the encounter bobbing around in the water, trying to stay afloat and alive, Fafmira having gone way ahead of him. He was lucky to not die outright.

I'll be back with more stories eventually. My players have a tendency to get into all kinds of shenanigans.

D3

[Deathkeeper]

I don't get it. Even at the bow with a long jump you could clear the side. Not normally, but in DnD jumping fifteen feet isn't too far-fetched.

[DDdreamer]

Well, he was jumping straight ahead and the ship was going at maximum speed thanks to some excellent Profession(Sailor) rolls made by the crew and captain. It's like standing on top of a train moving at full speed and leaping down on the tracks in front of it. Even if you jump fifteen feet ahead of the train/ship, it's moving so fast that it'll catch up to you in no time.

D3

[Deathkeeper]

Well, I mean I got that part but if all he said was "I jump off the ship" I would assume he would mean perpendicular to its course like most people do. But then, sometimes I actually believe in human intelligence.

[DDdreamer]

Well, he never said he turned and jumped over the side. He was still standing at the bow looking forward at the enemy ship when he told me that he drew his weapons and jumped off the edge. I assumed he just leapt over the railing right in front of him.

D3

[Lord Torath]

Wait, "Stern?" Or "Bow?" Those are very different ends of the ship.

In any case, that, to me, would be one of those situations where you say "you're standing at the bow of a swiftly moving ship, and you'll need to jump at least 15 feet to avoid getting run-over by your ship. Are you sure you want to jump?"

(Of course, when the party mage decided to plunge into the pool to grab the gem-encrusted globlet, I failed to say "Are you sure?" myself before dropping a Grey Ooze on her, so I'm guilty as well.)

[DDdreamer]

Bow, I meant to say bow... *ninja edits* Yeah, I thought of asking if he really wanted to jump off, but I chose not to. That particular character had gotten pretty annoying as of late, sliding into the stupid evil spectrum of chaotic evil and the guy really didn't seem to have a clue why jumping off the bow of a moving ship would be a bad idea.
I actually paused and looked at him when he said that and he told me again with a perfectly straight face. "I jump off the bow of the ship.". That was enough for me to just let him do it.
Normally I might've stopped the player first but this character was getting really annoying and I prefer to let the players do whatever they say they do unless they find out themselves that it's a bad idea.

D3

[holywhippet]

I don't get it. Even at the bow with a long jump you could clear the side. Not normally, but in DnD jumping fifteen feet isn't too far-fetched.

Being able to jump 15 feet won't matter if the ship is a lot wider than that: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of...ailing_vessels

You'd get a bit more distance from jumping from a height, but likely not enough.

[Reltzik]

Paladin: "Look, you stole our chicken dinner from this farm, and that means we're going to talk to the farmer and offer to pay for the chicken."
Rogue: "Fine, fine."
Paladin: "And no lying your way out of it."
Rogue: "Okay, okay."
Paladin: "And quit being so cheerful about your larceny, you scofflaw."
Rogue: "Grim and serious, got it."
*knockknock*
Farmer: "Yes?"
Rogue: "Sir, are you the owner of a ten pound brown hen with a missing toe on its right foot? There was some... property damage, involving that bird. We're here to discuss.... methods of renumeration."
Farmer: "Uh... no I don't own any bird like that sorry!" *doorslam*
Rogue: "Welp, we offered. Happy?"
Paladin: *teethgrind*

[Amaril]

Paladin: "Look, you stole our chicken dinner from this farm, and that means we're going to talk to the farmer and offer to pay for the chicken."
Rogue: "Fine, fine."
Paladin: "And no lying your way out of it."
Rogue: "Okay, okay."
Paladin: "And quit being so cheerful about your larceny, you scofflaw."
Rogue: "Grim and serious, got it."
*knockknock*
Farmer: "Yes?"
Rogue: "Sir, are you the owner of a ten pound brown hen with a missing toe on its right foot? There was some... property damage, involving that bird. We're here to discuss.... methods of renumeration."
Farmer: "Uh... no I don't own any bird like that sorry!" *doorslam*
Rogue: "Welp, we offered. Happy?"
Paladin: *teethgrind*

I know this isn't the point of the story, but that right there? That's how you play a paladin.

[Sheogoroth]

My DM was running a 3rd level module, I can't quite remember the name of it, and the party consisted of four persons.
A Wizard, a fighter, an Alchemist, a rogue, and Yens, an NPC paladin of the DM's design.

The party had hunted a coven of witches to the area and stumbled upon a cave. In front of the cave was a large, crude glowing green obelisk, which the Wizard immediately grabs hold of, fails a will save for, and is stunned.

The obelisk was made of Warpstone(which I'm still not sure if my DM made up.) On touch, you save or get stunned for one round.

The Alchemist thinks this is the greatest thing since sliced bread and makes it his mission in life to take this thing with him. Luckily he has a pickaxe and begins whacking away at it, failing his will save and smacking his face on the ground everytime he breaks a piece of it off.

So the rest of the party carries on into the cave.
It's pitch black, and we can't see anything further than a foot even at the mouth of the cave- magic darkness no duobt.
Yens thinks it's a trap, but screw Yens- so the the party charges...
Over a 50 foot drop.
Yens looks for another way in.

So the party finally collects itself to find the room well lit, but happen to all simultaneously get an eyefull of the Nymph in the corner which proceeds to collectively blind the entire party save for the alchemist who was too busy losing brain cells to the warp stone which wasn't even meant to be a trap.

We're getting torn apart by the Nymph's minions when the wizard, who for some reason had maxed bluff when the rogue didn't, tries a different tactic... You see, last session he had almost successfully seduced a Sea Hag after saving against her Horrific appearance to let down her guard.

So he tries again on the nymph. Natural 1.

So meanwhile, the indignant alchemist is nearly comatose from the warp stone fumes, so we all assume that we're pretty much dead.

Bang!
Yens jumps into the fray, and proceeds to be severely outmatched by the nymph- but saves against blindness, and drags our flailing, blinded forms(he was a big guy) out the door, up a flight of stairs(ow) and outside, while being pursued by the Nymphs minions. He then gathers up the alchemist(who later lamented the loss of the warp stone he had mined) and leads us conga-line style back to town.
At least we didn't die?

[Lord Torath]

The Alchemist thinks this is the greatest thing since sliced bread and makes it his mission in life to take this thing with him.

It is! Just imagine if you made slings stones out of this stuff? Or even stone arrowheads? Or a stone spearhead? Each hit requires a will save to avoid being stunned! (Sling stones might be kind of dangerous, unless you can devise a way to get them in your sling without touching them yourself, though.)

[Zahhak]

Some lead up: I'm into science and technology, and I like my SciFi like I like my math problems: hard. Taylor is working in medicine and knows some things about science and technology, and so does Erin, his younger (smarter) bother. There's a running joke in our group that Erin says every now and then: "Trust me on this, I have 22 years of experience, Taylor is wrong".

So, I'm building a SciFi campaign that takes place on another planet that hasn't been terraformed. It has its own native life (not sentient, but there is life), and the atmosphere isn't very conductive to human life. I'm kind of vague on the how (saying something about atmospheric CO2, and leaving it at that). So, Taylor chimes in that Earths CO2 is at 10% and doubling it would slowly kill most people after about a week. We have some interesting discussion about what this would mean for life on the planet.

So, then I go to a website and kind of vaguely ask for some input. Then someone points out Earths atmospheric CO2 is less than 0.5% and doubling that would make it so you get exhausted kind of easily, and maybe kill small babies and old people.

I tell this to Erin because it amuses me, and the first thing is says is "Damn you Taylor!" and he shakes his fist angrily at the gods who have cursed him.

[Lucianus]

I homebrewed a campaign for a group of seven players. At one point of an adventure there was a non-lethal trap that used Sovereign Glue to stick the intruders to the floor so the guards could capture them. Since my players aren't too bright and prefer the chaotic-stupid route of play, I assumed this would be too hard for them and threw them two bones.

First, they found a desk with four flasks with clear liquid in them (Universal Solvent, enough to get them unstuck.). Secondly, the trap was rigged to a dusty gold ingot set on a pedestal in a well traveled part of the castle they were raiding (Obvious trap much?).

P= player DM= me

P1- Oh look! Four healing potions!
DM- Uh, what makes you think they are healing potions? They're flasks, not vials.
P2- Wow! FLASKS of healing potions! We could drink out of each, like, five times!
DM- Guys... Why do you think they are potions?
P1- Sweet! Lets keep going.
DM- *sigh* Okay, you see an oddly out-of-place marble pedestal sitting in a dusty corner of the room, with no footprints around it, holding a gold ingot.
P3- I grab it!
DM- Out of place, no footprints near it, ingot covered in dust, not touched in many years.......
P7- Our lucky day!
DM- Make reflex saves.
P all- Fail with no roll higher than six (Ouch!)
DM- You are all stuck to the ground with Sovereign Glue. (Tards.....)
P5- Awww, guess we wait here to be captured.
P4- Yup, I'll throw my weapons away so they show us mercy.
DM- Guys, you remember the flasks you found?
P6- But we're not injured, why waste the healing?
DM- Okay then, you all get captured.....

Later on, player five takes a swig of the "healing flask", yeah, a mouthful of solvent. I tell him it tastes like pure ethanol mixed with gasoline and acetone, and he explosively empties his bowels of a vile smelling brown-black fluid a moment later. He was wearing chainmail at the time and was henceforth named Sir Spaghetti Pants when player two pointed out that fluid forced through a mesh forms lines which fly out in a spread. I have never DM'd again..... (Or ate pasta)

[Jay R]

I know this isn't the point of the story, but that right there? That's how you play a paladin.

Also, that's how you play a Rogue who travels with a Paladin.

[Drake2009]

Ok here comes another one!

K so were at the end of the campaign! Were one room away and gunslinger looks through the wall with gloves and sees a really nasty demon. I ask him if i can borrow the glove and he gives it to me. POOF demons been dismissed!

Were outside the door to fight the big bad guy and her minions. Gunslinger sees through the wall with his gloves and tells me there are some demons around her. She has a ring of counterspell with dismissal in it though. I cast tensers floating disc and the rogue.... he makes a ballista on the disc! we put an elemental gem of fire on the balista arrow and i pull everything from my bag of tricks tan... we shoot the balista set off the zoo and crush the rest of our gems... They surrendered in 8 seconds flat!

[Yukitsu]

"Well, we didn't agree if one or two tugs meant pull him back in. What's he going to do if he encounters something?"
"We'll pull him back in if we get one sustained tug."

"That's one long tug! Reel them in!"

"OK, so you utterly fail to properly throw the bag of flour, and now there's a puffy white cloud of flour all around you."
"OK, so you charge into the cloud of flour, but some of it gets in your eye, so you smack Yukitsu with your lucerne hammer and you both fall over."
"I hate critical failure charts, but that was pretty hilareous."

"The grey ooze jams a finger..."
"I hate critical failure charts."

[whumpworld]

ok so here goes. one of my first ever games of dnd and i play a gnome sorcerer with a pointy red hat and a white beard (on purpose i know) in our group is a bard a fighter and a half orc barbarian. on our way into this city we meet a traveling merchant who waves this insane awesome magic item under my nose then says i cant afford it and walks off with it. i was an enchanter so i tried to learn the magic but failed (way over my head). so were attacked by a troll shortly after that in a fit of rage (over the coin) and a few good rolls i take it down single handed.
so we enter the city and i come up with a brilliant plan i tell the king that the merchant stole the magic thing from me then the king goes "oh this thing i ordered from a merchant?" and hold it up my first reaction (as always) is to learn the enchantment nat 20 so now i can make my own and all i want is to get out of here. but how to ditch the king? so i say to him "i demand to see my mother she is rather green and down by the docks" referring to the orc of our party. yup insanity card. further held to as when i am sent to be observed by the court mages i summon a horse cast flying on it and ride it in panicked loopdyloops for several hours before it disappeared on me.
after this session our dm quit. the other players maintain my hilarity was to much for him (on the green mother part he left the room for 15 minutes to get his breath back)

[Souju]

Why Playing a Paladin is not for Everyone
Campaign: Kingmaker
Party make-up:
Ardent (Human Paladin)
Me (Tiefling Oracle)
Shalana (Aasimar Thundercaller Bard)
Guy (Human Detective Bard)
WRASSLOR! (Dwarf Tetori Monk) (absent from this session)

So this week we learned that not having the grappler around really hurts us as a party for a really bizarre reason.
So the detective becomes part of our party (his player was previously a wizard that got stuck in the Astral Plane when he threw a boss monster that was carrying a bag of holding into a portable hole. He's been having his own adventures between sessions) because he's asked by an evil god to retrieve an artifact for him from the last dungeon of the third book in order to progress his own personal story. He, of course, is not obligated to tell any of the rest of the party this, nor did most of us care.
Except the paladin.
When he finally gets someone (a piscodaemon) to bring him the artifact, the paladin asks if he can see it. Now, granted, this was the player asking the DM if his character could see it, but the DM took it literally and had the piscodaemon toss the artifact to the paladin.
Now, "fortunately" the paladin is immune to fear, so the Phantasmal Killer spell on the artifact didn't affect him. But my oracle successfully identified the spell going off on him...
Then, the paladin got the bright idea to destroy the artifact. Because it was evil. Right there. On the spot.
There was a collective "NOOOOOOO!" and initiative was rolled to stop the guy. For the first time ever, I beat everyone in initiative (I have no modifier and it's a running joke that I always roll under 10) and first used my turn to yell at him to not do that here and now. No response.
So, knowing his one weakness (his CMD is low because of a lack of DEX modifier and CHA being his primary stat) I cast black tentacles on the room, figuring 1d6+4 damage per round was better than whatever the consequences of attempting to destroy the artifact would be, especially since I could dismiss the tentacles. Any roll 7 or higher on the CMB check with the tentacles would bust through the paladin's CMD and keep him from using his weapon. It was either that or disarm him, which had the same basic chance of success.
Yeah, I wouldn't be posting this here if that actually worked, now would I?
I rolled a 1 on the grapple check for the tentacles. This was obviously not high enough to beat the paladin's CMD. Or my CMD. Or the Thundercaller's CMD. Just high enough to beat the Detective's CMD, though. Yay for DEX and STR being dump stats!
So, the paladin gets to go next. Despite being screamed at not to, and being attacked by the ONE party member that would never do so under normal circumstances (Legalistic Curse makes breaking promises a pain) and having a daemon just out of sight cackling with glee, he attacks the artifact.
Does he break it? Nope. Cracks it, though. Just enough to set off the more nasty Weird effect. Nobody makes the save except the paladin, but only because he is, again, immune to fear.
We end up with 1 dead party member (hero points saved the other two that were present) and a dead piscodaemon, and a dead hostage NPC we had just met.
The paladin then had to finagle hauling the various dead bodies out of the dungeon (no mean feat, cuz this included crossing a river with a dead centaur) and back to our city, where he paid for resurrections and got to meet my replacement character (Dual Cursed Oracle of the Life Mystery), who kindly asked why she was now rezzing her sister.
Needless to say, we no longer trust the paladin around sharp objects.

[imaloony]

I have brought up in the past a certain Kender from my group's campaign named Smidget, and told a lot of his stories, though many of them were quickly forgotten. Smidget died a lot, you see, before the DM set a limit on how many times we could be ressed/have our soul put back in our body. This time, however, was the story of how Smidget SHOULD have died, but did not.'

NOTE: This was an AD&D game in a custom setting.

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So, our group had made it to a large dwarven city underground. Some of us went to the bar, some went shopping, some just chilled with the NPCs, you get the idea. Well, three characters, including Smidget, decided to go tour the mines. On their way down, they rode a minecart to their destination. They get to where they need to go, and they all get out to continue the tour. Well, most of them get out.
You see, Smidget though the ride was fun and wanted to go on it again (You know how Kender are) so once the others are off, he pulls the lever that he saw made the cart go. Behind him, he hears a Dwarf shout:
"Oh crap! Runaway cart!"
It is at this point that the DM mentions to us that while Smidget knew how to make the cart start up, he had failed to note an important step: The inhibitor lever, which kept the minecart at sane speeds. So, on their way in, the cart was going about 175MPH, give or take. As Smidget took his joyride, it was going roughly 250-300MPH.
At this point, the Dwarves at the other end of the tracks set up thick crash barriers and count the Kender a dead man.
Smidget, however, had other plans. Smidget was a Thief/Illusionist, and had a few spells at his disposal. He had realized that he was going too fast, and began hatching an escape plan. He had a metal shield with him, cast Magnetism on his feet, attached the shield to his feet, and then jumped off the cart when the crash barrier was in eyeshot.
The DM just said "Roll a d10." Our DM is a veteran, you see, having played the game for years, and he was very aware that Smidget was probably going to be splattered against the wall here. At this point, he didn't tell the person playing Smidget, but the d10 roll was to see where on the track Smidget jumped out. Too close to the barrier, he'd be too late and would smash into it. Too early, and he would fall into the pit that the tracks were suspended over and fall to his death. The DM figured that for him to land in this 30 foot safe zone, he'd need a roll of 7+. Smidget rolled an 8.
The DM rolled his eyes and said "Okay, now you're grinding on the ground on this shield at roughly Mach 1. You see the cart smash into the barricade ahead of you, and you have a path forward, but you're not going to slow down before you reach something else at this rate."
So what does Smidget do? He pulls out his grappling hook and tosses it behind him, hoping that it'll catch and he could slow it down that way. Again, our DM had him roll a d10 and didn't tell him what he was rolling for or what he needed to succeed, but in his head, our DM was thinking "He's got a 1-in-10 shot. Anything but a 1, and he's dead." Smidget rolls a 1.
So now the grappling hook has caught, and Smidget declares that he's using the rope to slow down. Our DM now has him roll Bend Bars/Lift Gates. Smidget's strength, by the way, was pretty terrible. In the 10-12 range, if I recall, which in AD&D is pretty low for this kind of thing. The DM, again, didn't tell Smidget that if he failed this roll that his arms would break under the pressure of trying to slow down from Mach 1. Smidget makes the roll, no problem.
So, Smidget glides into the Dwarven Cart station, a trail of sparks behind him and a bunch of dumbstruck Dwarves ahead of him. He stops in front of them and shouts at the top of his lungs "I DIDN'T DO IT!" and then passes out.

And that, my friends, is how Smidget the Kender invented a new extreme sport.

[Arkhosia]

We found a starving mage in a dungeon and I tried negotiating for an alliance in exchange for food. He took the food and used the surprise round to turn my friend's Minotaur PC into a cow.

[lytokk]

Been reading these stories for the past few days and laughing hard enough to remember a few of the things that happened to me, and I had to make an account just to talk about them

3.5 Ebberon Campaign
The only 2 pertinent characters are
Daagoth Shifter Monk
Roberc Halfling Paladin/Cavalier, ME (when the DM ruled that I could use the magebred template and attribute it all to a velociraptor, I was set, named chopperface)

The first story happened when we ran into a beholder in the mournlands, I think it was. The DM intended us to just run away, but doing so would leave all of our gear behind, we were attacked at night. I remember, beholders float, and I'm 3 feet tall, maybe a bit of metagaming remembering a beholders bite attack is pretty weak. When my turn in initiative comes around, I run, slide under the beholder, and just start stabbing up. was a DC 5 tumble check to make the slide, and without my armor, I was surprisingly nimble.

Second story, was the group of us, I think 6 total, got attacked by a 7 headed hydra, one of the big baddies. We're attacking the thing, trying to chop of heads and burn the stumps, and then I decide, just as a distraction, to send in Chopperface. One charge/full attack later, the hydra's down 80 hp. The rest of us stand back and let Chopper just dismantle the thing molecule by molecule, clean the whole thing up with a fireball. First time I ever heard of a hydra being killed via damage. DM tells me he hates my mount.

Third story, the party's unjustly imprisoned, in a large antimagic prison. Start prison break scenario, with us running through the hallways. I'm not causing much damage due to size and my mounts not hear. I have no access to my mounted feats, which multiply my damage on a mounted charge. Also, small size means I'm lagging behind the rest of the group. Daagoth, Monk, runs back picks me up, and carries me to the front of the group on his shoulders.

Me: Does, does this mean I'm mounted?
DM: Umm...
Daagoth: I'm fine with it
DM: Yes, you're mounted.

Turning an incredibly difficult prison break into the paladin riding the shifter through the halls clearing out everything with a simple spear, doing 3x damage to anything in my way.

bout the best I can think of now, and after a 6 year break in gaming, finally starting up a new campaign with my friends who are noted for goofing around. so should have more stories soon.

[dmatos]

The characters:
Kate - a werewolf fighter who failed her control shape check, and is stuck as a wolf until the next morning.
Erik - a human rogue.

The situation:
3.5e
Fighting a tendriculous, with regeneration 10, vulnerable to bludgeoning and acid. The characters have no acid damage, and no bludgeoning weapons. They manage to slice and bite the monster into unconsciousness, at which point Erik picks up a chair.

And proceeds to perform several coups de grace. Since the tendriculous was unconscious, it was clearly denied its DEX bonus to AC, so Erik got to add his sneak attack damage as well.

TL;DR: A rogue beats a monster to death by performing sneak attack coups de grace . . . with a chair.

[Scow2]

(Snip)

Actually, that Werewolf's bite attack should have been dealing lethal damage as well, because Bite attacks deal Piercing, Slashing, and Bludgeon damage.

[Jon_Dahl]

If you want to read about PCs paying to get cursed, please open the spoiler tag.

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The PCs were in a city waiting for the prophesied Chosen One. She arrived and got acquainted with the PCs. The only problem was that the Chosen One had to be of noble blood, because her role was to lead, but she was an acknowledged noble bastard.

Her father was on his deathbed, and promised the PCs that he would acknowledge his bastard if either she or the PCs would sign a Contract of Nephtas. The thing about the Contract of Nepthas is that you're permanently blinded, deafed and muted (no save) if you break the contract. This Contract dictated that his only grandson would be protected by signed parties after he was gone. The Chosen One refused because she hated his biological father's family, and she would not lift a finger to help the grandson. Two of the PCs agreed to protect the boy and signed the contact. The third PC refused to sign but the other PCs forced him to do it.

When the contract was enroute to the temple of Heironeous, the third PC attacked the cleric and paladin who had the contract and destroyed it. Then he fled from the city and was eliminated from the campaign.

Now that the contract was gone, the old man refused to acknowledge his bastard and thus the Chosen One was still a commoner. Because the PCs couldn't figure any way out of the situation (I told them that a very high diplomacy roll or some creative thinking could solve the problem), they paid for a new Contract of Nepthas (1400 gp), and signed it. Then the old man acknowledged the Chosen One's noble blood and from that day on the PCs have to look after the grandchild or become blind, deaf and dumb.

The PCs weren't rich, they have about 1000 gp left.

[Theirum]

Cast: Me DM
My friend who is a first time player

He had gained a very basic understanding of how to play and I was teaching him about Special Attacks. I was explaining sunder by having an enemy fighter use it in a really railroaded encounter(I was teaching him from scratch how else would you do it?). The plan was for him to fight off some pathetically weak rogues then finish off their big, bad, fighter at the end by sundering his weapon.

He had killed all the rogues and had engaged the fighter when I declared the fighters sunder. I started the sunder explanation. The enemy fighter rolled a natural 20(the ONLY way he could hit with a sunder for this fight. I was being nice) for his attack and broke my friends sword. My friend promptly starts running away. He gets away from the fighter by out running him and succeeding in a hide check.

So, here's my friend weaponless, against an angry fighter who is currently looking for him. He had some stuff in his backpack that he could use. Stuff like, rope and grappling hook, knife(I don't know why he didn't just buy a dagger but who cares), polished mirror, 10 foot pole, you know standard low level stuff that every new player takes. I figure that I could explain improvised weapons to him and did just that. What I expected him to do was use the knife or 10 foot pole or even a chair that I put in the encounter room.
You want to know what he said he wanted to do?

He asked if he could cut off one of the rogues limbs and use it as a weapon.

Me:"WAT?"

I was at a complete loss, I could have never of predicted that. What the hell was I going to do? In a panic I just started making up some rules on the spot. (Make a strength check to cut off the limb with his knife and a fort check to not become sickened) I somehow managed to play that as if they were legit rules.
My friend makes both saves for the amputation process and was now proudly brandishing a frightening new rogue arm. I treated it like a medium improvised weapon and my friend then finds, and charges the fighter with the arm screaming I am the delimbing avenger!. I secretly roll an intimidate check for my friend and he succeeds sending the fighter in to a frightened state. He then chases the fighter around the house beating him with his henchman's arm until the poor guy finally croaks.

It gets better. My friend then puts the arm in his backpack(yes you read that right, HE PUTS THE ARM IN HIS BACKPACK FOR LATER USE!) and leaves as if nothing happened. I decided to have some fun with this and on his way back into the nearby town I had a guard stop him, and check his belongings claiming that there was smuggling going on in the town, and that all material entering the town is being searched (airport security YAY!) He opens my friend backpack and I put on my best deadpan voice "Why do you have an arm in your backpack?". I just look at him. He rolls a bluff and give his explanation as "It's for a friend.". He failed. Miserably. I didn't care what he rolled, no one in the world would ever believe that. He spends the night in the town jail, awaiting interrogation. As the interrogation starts my friend manages to escape and runs off into the nearby forest.

The best part? He was playing a Neutral Good ranger.

[The Random NPC]

I didn't care what he rolled, no one in the world would ever believe that.

Now, now, in a world with resurrection magic, that is totally plausible.

[wolfdreams01]

I was playing a good-aligned fighter janitor in 4th edition. My character was 4th level, and both very tough and aggressive. He had pioneered a often-quoted concept called "hitting theory" which stated "There is no problem in the world that cannot be solved by hitting something or somebody with the right amount of force. The problem is simply identifying who or what needs to be hit and how you need to do it." Needless to say, he got into a lot of unnecessary fights. (All of which he won due to an exceedingly optimized build.)

At one point, my character was alone in a crypt talking to one of the GM's pet NPCs. You know those annoying NPCs that inexperienced GMs always seem to use? The ones that are basically the cool PC that the GM would want to play, who always assign quests while talking down to you, and are much more powerful than you are so you can't even put them in their place? Yeah, it was one of those. Level 18, or something like that.

The uber-powerful NPC was telling my character that something HAD to be done for the good of the city, yadda yadda, but my character wasn't having any of that railroad plot. So my character interrupted the dramatic speech to say "Look, you kin shut up now, or ah kin introduce you ta hittin' theory." There was a long pause, then the GM said "He draws his sword. Roll for initiative" with an evil smile on her face.

As fate would have it, I won the initiative. So I declared a move action to shift out of the crypt, a minor action to punch the heavy stone door with my fist, slamming it shut, and then a standard action to lock it. Then as the GM stared at me in shock, suddenly realizing that her uber-powerful pet NPC had been foiled by an intelligence 8 fighter slamming a door in his face, I told her that my character walked away whistling merrily.

Hitting theory always works.

[The Random NPC]

He had pioneered a often-quoted concept called "hitting theory" which stated "There is no problem in the world that cannot be solved by hitting something or somebody with the right amount of force. The problem is simply identifying who or what needs to be hit and how you need to do it."

Can the problem of identifying who or what needs to be hit and how you need to do it be solve via hitting theory?

[TeChameleon]

Can the problem of identifying who or what needs ot be hit and how you need to do it be solve via hitting theory?

Of course! Just hit people until one of them tells you who you actually need to hit.

(also known as 'intelligence gathering' )