Throw cheesy backstories at me!

[Jeivar]

We are going to play a Pathfinder campaign, starting at first level, in a homemade setting "in the frozen north!"

I'm playing a female Aasimar Paladin with glowing eyes and a radonkulous Charisma score. We're going for a deliberately cheesy, melodramatic tone, and I have two days to hammer out a fittingly dramatic backstory. Preferably one composed of several stock fantasy backstories stitched together.
"Daughter of the missing, legendary paladin Wandred Lightbringer, escaped from slavery many years after The Dread Lord Baneheart razed her village, she now seeks to bring the light of justice upon evildoers as she searches for Wandred!"

Stuff like that.

So, please good folk of yon Playground, throw cliches at me until we have a beautiful cheesecake.

[The Glyphstone]

Her entire family was murdered when the monster lord led by Dread Lord Baneheart attacked their village, and she had to bury her own family. But during her escape from slavery, she confronted Baneheart, who revealed that he was her father.

[Jeivar]

Her entire family was murdered when the monster lord led by Dread Lord Baneheart attacked their village, and she had to bury her own family. But during her escape from slavery, she confronted Baneheart, who revealed that he was her father.

Appropriately cheesy. Though the Baneheart thing was an example, not a template.

[The Glyphstone]

Appropriately cheesy. Though the Baneheart thing was an example, not a template.

So roll with it, actually name him Dark Lord Baneheart. Oh, and he's also the evil twin brother of the legendary paladin who she thought was her father.

[hymer]

Pirates. A prophecy. True love and labours to gain unconsenting (possibly not nice) father's acceptance. Divine descent and/or some powerful artifact. Childhood rival. Princess/dragon thing. Vampires/werewolves.

That's all for now.

[Balmas]

Your Aasimar flees an arranged marriage with a demon, arranged by her power-hungry father. However, she's since heard that the demon, in anger, killed her father--or, rather, the body was never found, which everyone knows means that he's dead. Now, she must battle both the demon and her own feelings for the man who raised her. She mus also combat her own budding attraction for the mysterious stranger who follows them, with the name suspiciously similar to the demon who killed her father.

Oh, and dragon pirates. That's a good idea.

[Craft (Cheese)]

My favorite source of inspiration for this kind of thing? The Mary Sue Generator!

She appears to be a normal martial artist except she dresses like a elf catgirl, her eyes lets her see ghosts and her hair is rainbow colored and has a wild bushy goth look to it, but secretly she is actually a half-werewolf.
She is a megalomaniac who is part of a secret organization and she will fight her enemies with the power to restore her health by eating corpses or to seduce demons.
Her friends and enemies call her Bloodprincess Spacebird!
Her constant companion is a angsty over-analytical spaceship who is also the reason she lives.
Her favored weapon is a steam-powered dragonbone razor which absorbs all light around her.

[The Glyphstone]

Make sure that you use everything given to you here in the same backstory, contradictions be hanged.

[CarpeGuitarrem]

Make sure that you use everything given to you here in the same backstory, contradictions be hanged.

I was about to say this.

She is, in fact, the last Aasamir, or so she thinks.

[Craft (Cheese)]

She's also the last heir to be the Princess of an ancient Aasimar empire. Princess, because queens and empresses are always evil.

Her favorite method of transportation is to use an old, geriatric wizard with a really long beard. I don't mean he teleports her around, I mean she just gets on his back and he walks her around.

[CarpeGuitarrem]

Her favorite method of transportation is to use an old, geriatric wizard with a really long beard. I don't mean he teleports her around, I mean she just gets on his back and he walks her around.

Except that when the campaign starts, said old wizard has been tragically slain by an evil demon monkey minion pirate.

[pffh]

Also she has heterochromia iridum (where the eyes are different colours), one silver and one blue and hides the silver one with a fake eyepatch.

[North_Ranger]

Oh, and she has to be raised in the wild by wolves/apes/badgers/dire weasels, but then be completely at home in the high-class society befitting his station and natural inclinations.

Eyes that change colour, that's pretty much a given...

Her name must be Raven or a play there-of; Rawen, Ravyn, Ra'ven.

Her best friend is a half-dragon, psionic, half-fey unicorn who is also a werewolf - a good werewolf who wants to fight his evil kin.

[Craft (Cheese)]

She was also grown in a vat by aliens to be the perfect woman.

[Razanir]

She's actually a tiefling. It's just that her family and close relatives are actually good-aligned and never told her which plane her ancestor was from.

[Astral Avenger]

Make sure that you use everything given to you here in the same backstory, contradictions be hanged.

hmm... might as well throw in some of this too:

• Oedipus with genders switched (prophesied that she would kill her mother and sleep with her father, comes true, bad stuff happens when she finds out)
• Surprised by the Spanish Inquisition (If anyone knows for sure, did that start with Mel Brooks' history of the world?)
• Hating mondays
• Always have a towel (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)

[Razanir]

Make sure that you use everything given to you here in the same backstory, contradictions be hanged.

*blinks*

So far we have a tiefling who:

• thinks she's an aasimar
• is a princess
• rides an aged wizard. Who, by the way was slain by an evil demon monkey minion pirate
• is destined to kill her mom and sleep with her dad
• hates Mondays
• is surprised by the Spanish Inquisition
• always carries a towel
• was grown by aliens
• and has two eyes that change colors independently of each other

[TheThan]

Oh please, too easy.

Despite your girly and dainty physique, you grew up a tomboy in a remote village, more interested in beating up boys than learning how to cook, clean sew etc.
Your father left when you were just a babe, your mother died in child birth, and you were raised by your favored uncle, and a wizened old sage, father figure. The sage is a wizard that taught you magic, but you shunned it in favor of the martial teachings of your uncle.

Eventually a band of raiders attacked your village, burning it to the ground. Your uncle and father figure both fought bravely but died quickly in the assault. You managed to survive, by running off into the forest, where you spent many years learning how to survive and become friends with all the forest creatures. The surviving villagers were all taken as slaves and sold, dispersing all the survivor of your village.

After you were taken as a slave you learned to fight in the gladiator pits. These gladiator pits are (naturally) controlled (from a distance) by your evil overlord father. Eventually you won your freedom (partly because you became too dangerous to keep, partly because you freaking earned it). Now you are destined by the god of iron to become queen by your own hand.
During your travels you’ve discovered a magical sword; which happens to be quite sentient, evil and a magical maguffin your father (the evil overlord) needs. You’ve also become a thief, a mercenary, a general, a pirate, a beggar, a priest and of course, a princess.

[The_Snark]

Other people have covered your character's upbringing pretty well, so I'll be talking about possible love interests! Your options are...

1) a Handsome Prince. He's a little full of himself and slightly spoiled, but has a good heart and will get over himself once he runs away from home in search of you and sees how ordinary people live. He is sick of scheming court ladies who want the throne more than they want him, and his heart is won by your character's refreshing honesty and lack of respect for his station... even though he'd be offended if it were anyone else. Your impressive, um, Charisma score is probably the culprit there.

2) a Dashing Thief. You will meet this fellow the first time you visit a big city, and he will take you under his wing after meeting you in the marketplace. (There is a good chance he'll pick your pocket during that first meeting, but in a charming sort of way.) At first he will act as a sort of big brother to you, but his feelings will become less and less platonic over time; whether you notice is up to you. Although an unrepentant criminal, he too has a good heart and will always look out for you, even when you are ignoring him in favor of other love interests.

3) a Nervous Young Scholar. He's homely by Hollywood standards, meaning he's actually quite cute but everybody in the story treats him as if he's plain. Smart but socially awkward, especially around girls and particularly around you; it is obvious to everyone (except you, possibly) that he is completely besotted. He is unworldly and not accustomed to danger, meaning you have to most of the work when you drag him along on adventures, but proves his worth about once per story by solving a riddle or providing a crucial plot-related fact. Has a good heart (duh).

Don't worry too much about neglecting him; should you choose someone else, he will almost certainly pair off with your best female friend. If he hasn't stopped stammering and tripping over things by the end of Book 2, this is probably better for everyone involved.

4) a Steadfast Soldier. You met him in the army; he was either the first friendly person you met there, or that one guy who doubts your abilities because he doesn't think a beautiful woman is tough enough to be a real soldier. (Don't worry; this attitude won't last long.) He will accompany you on your first adventures and will quickly become your most loyal supporter. Naturally, he falls in love with you as well, but unfortunately you do not return his feelings. He will be content to quietly pine, possibly for the rest of his life.

Note: if you are of noble birth and he is a common soldier, he will claim this as his reason for never acting on his feelings. This, paradoxically, makes his suit 100% more likely to succeed. Suddenly his silence will seem brooding and tragic instead of just boring.

5) a Dark Stranger. This love interest works for the Big Bad; you will first meet him when he is assigned to hunt you down. He will be one (or more) of the following: assassin, vampire, pirate, demon or half-demon, ninja, werewolf. Although he claims not to have a good heart, he is nonetheless captivated by your character's beauty and spirit. It will take a long time for him to admit these feelings to himself, but in the meantime you are relatively safe from him; the worst he will do is capture you, in which case you will either escape on your own shortly afterwards or (if he successfully drags you to the Big Bad's fortress) with his assistance. Expect a tense romance, with plenty of mutual suspicion and sexually-charged fight scenes. He will invariably have a tragic past, so as to soften your character's heart with pity when he finally opens up.

Note: there is a good chance that this love interest will turn out to be your character's brother or even father. In such cases, you may replace romantic interest with a familial bond... though I suppose you don't have to, if you like mistaken identity stories or your character has an Electra complex.


There you go! You can pick any or all of these, though I recommend at least two for proper melodrama. Also, in the event that you have multiple love interests, one of them must be a childhood friend—#2, #3, and #4 are best suited for this, although #5 could work in a pinch.

[TheThan]

*snip*

She could choose all five, and have a whole adventuring party of love interests.

[DontEatRawHagis]

Cheesy Backstories in history:

• Last of a dead race
• Part of a holy order destined to slaying evil where ever it stands.
• Orphaned
• Amnesia
• Evil Twin
• Love Triangle
• Prophesied to be the Chosen One
• Cursed to have people die around her(Sad sack, I can't endanger the people I love)
• Her Uncle died when she failed to stop an armed burglar.
• Father died at the hands of the BBEG.
• Mother was married to the BBEG
• BBEG is her Father
• Eventual hand severing.

Honestly say anythings about prophecies or prophets in my games you automatically win the cheesy backstory contest. Double points if the prophecy goes exactly as planned until start of the campaign.

[The_Snark]

She could choose all five, and have a whole adventuring party of love interests.

Yes. Yes she could.

(Hmm, let's see: knight, rogue, wizard, fighter, and something generically dark (warlock, assassin, or some kind of monster race). A little light on divine casting, but Our Hero is a paladin. Not bad.)

[Jeivar]

Snip

Now that's some good cheese. Though I don't think the DM will allow that many supporters in the party.

[Gettles]

Oh please, too easy.

Despite your girly and dainty physique, you grew up a tomboy in a remote village, more interested in beating up boys than learning how to cook, clean sew etc.
Your father left when you were just a babe, your mother died in child birth, and you were raised by your favored uncle, and a widened old sage, father figure. The sage is a wizard that taught you magic, but you shunned it in favor of the martial teachings of your uncle.

Eventually a band of raiders attacked your village, burning it to the ground. Your uncle and father figure both fought bravely but died quickly in the assault. You managed to survive, by running off into the forest, where you spent many years learning how to survive and become friends with all the forest creatures. The surviving villagers were all taken as slaves and sold, dispersing all the survivor of your village.

After you were taken as a slave you learned to fight in the gladiator pits. These gladiator pits are (naturally) controlled (from a distance) by your evil overlord father. Eventually you won your freedom (partly because you became too dangerous to keep, partly because you freaking earned it). Now you are destined by the god of iron to become queen by your own hand.
During your travels you’ve discovered a magical sword; which happens to be quite sentient, evil and a magical maguffin your father (the evil overlord) needs. You’ve also become a thief, a mercenary, a general, a pirate, a beggar, a priest and of course, a princess.

Not bad, but you need to squeeze some amnesia into it. Proper cheese doesn't taste right unless a bit of amnesia brooding is thrown in.

[mishka_shaw]

Ah she has a family? Dammit I thought every character in d&d had to be an orphan abandoned in a temple...wasn't it like the law or something?

Anyway a friend of mine had a female paladin whose mother was cut in half by a golden dragon. She was pregnant at the time and so as she was cut in half the fetus fell out and rolled down a hill into the river.
The fetus was than washed down the river and was picked out by wolves who than raised her.
...once we we're finished laughing we told him to go with it.

As for your character she defo needs a mysterious amulet given to her by her mother. The thing screams MacGuffin and will be used later on to get out of a plot-hole.

Not bad, but you need to squeeze some amnesia into it. Proper cheese doesn't taste right unless a bit of amnesia brooding is thrown in.

100% this

[Razanir]

As for your character she defo needs a mysterious amulet given to her by her mother. The thing screams MacGuffin and will be used later on to get out of a plot-hole.

Prophesied to be the Chosen One

These. How could we forget the chosen one bit

[CarpeGuitarrem]

She could choose all five, and have a whole adventuring party of love interests.

Slayers: the Visual Novel?

[The Glyphstone]

She can have a family that was killed to become and orphan, only to be adopted and re-orphaned.

And of course, end the entire backstory with a single line that says she's forgotten all of the above because of amnesia.

[Craft (Cheese)]

All the love interests are also girls because het is ew.

She can have a family that was killed to become and orphan, only to be adopted and re-orphaned.

Why stop there? Have it happen like, on a weekly basis. And her family's murderer is the same person every time.

[Razanir]

She can have a family that was killed to become and orphan, only to be adopted and re-orphaned.

And in an alternate timeline, she become the wizard that did it. *cough*Onion Kid*cough*