A Monster for Every Season: Summer 2
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  1. - Top - End - #1
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Joosbawx's Avatar

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    Jul 2006
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    Fargo, ND
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    Default Constructive Criticism Request

    I've been asked to submit a few items for a local publication, but the theme is a bit outside my usual tone. I have a couple of older items that I could submit, but wondering if they need a brush up, or if the value they hold is purely sentimental and for me only.

    I know this is a bit...I'll use the word "lighter"...than a lot of the poetry that is submitted here, but I value a lot of your opinions. So have at 'em and be honest, I've thick skin.

    Also, for both pieces, the formatting makes a difference in how they're read, so forgive the hidden white test to ensure the correct spacing, thanks.

    Risking Hope
    Too whom?
    Only pessimism
    Onlblocks my
    Onlendeavor.
    Waiting out the inescapable.
    Is it better to live with maybe so
    Onlthan definitely no?
    Hope fulfils not
    Onlonly sustains.
    Unsure of
    Onlthe outcome.
    Bashful and too
    Onlembarrassed to
    Onlapproach the subject.
    Unwilling
    Onlto risk that chancel
    Onlif she said “no”.
    Forbid it Heaven.
    Unwilling to
    Onllose that hope,
    Tonight
    Toi’ll
    Toninot
    Tonighask.


    Epiphany
    Emotion incarnate,
    a verse dances along the
    peripherals of my concentration.
    Her evasive grace eludes
    my sincerest efforts at capture.

    Quivering legs of hope falter, but
    she pauses, half a thought away,
    to linger in the unhurried spotlight
    of apprehension.

    She allows me…
    SheA simple stare?
    SheAn ephemeral ogle?
    She allows me...…an insightful gaze.

    Her eyes…
    HerFervent ambassadors,
    HerI look through them to search her heart,
    HerAnd pray to find myself there.
    Her eyes...…meet mine from behind their panes.

    Her lips…
    HerDelicate petals,
    HerI imagine their touch and texture,
    HerUnconsciously brushing fingers across my own.
    Her lips...…part in a smile under a crinkled nose.

    Her hand…
    HerSupple nurturer,
    HerI feel her ardent endorsement,
    HerAnd comprehend our conjoint coalescence.
    Her hand...…reaches and clasps tenderly over mine.

    Creases of uncertainty are replace with a smile
    as I grasp the offered gesture,
    my epiphany final.

    She is you.


    Please be specific,and as I said, I have thick skin and am looking for constructive criticism on whether these should see the light of publication. Thanks in advance.
    Last edited by Joosbawx; 2006-10-31 at 11:04 AM. Reason: Corrections for formatting

  2. - Top - End - #2
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Joosbawx's Avatar

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    Default Re: Constructive Criticism Request

    Just a bump. I'd really appreciate feedback of any sort as time is running a bit short before I have to decide what to submit. So, please, don't be shy as I'd value an outside opinion. Thanks much.

  3. - Top - End - #3
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Mattaeu's Avatar

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    The Misunderstood SLC

    Default Re: Constructive Criticism Request

    Quote Originally Posted by Joosbawx View Post
    I've been asked to submit a few items for a local publication, but the theme is a bit outside my usual tone. I have a couple of older items that I could submit, but wondering if they need a brush up, or if the value they hold is purely sentimental and for me only.

    I know this is a bit...I'll use the word "lighter"...than a lot of the poetry that is submitted here, but I value a lot of your opinions. So have at 'em and be honest, I've thick skin.

    Also, for both pieces, the formatting makes a difference in how they're read, so forgive the hidden white test to ensure the correct spacing, thanks.

    Risking Hope
    Too whom?
    Only pessimism
    Onlblocks my
    Onlendeavor.
    Waiting out the inescapable.
    Is it better to live with maybe so
    Onlthan definitely no?
    Hope fulfils not
    Onlonly sustains.
    Unsure of
    Onlthe outcome.
    Bashful and too
    Onlembarrassed to
    Onlapproach the subject.
    Unwilling
    Onlto risk that chance
    Onlif she said “no”.
    Forbid it Heaven.
    Unwilling to
    Onllose that hope,
    Tonight
    Toi’ll
    Toninot
    Tonighask.


    Epiphany
    Emotion incarnate,
    a verse dances along the
    peripherals of my concentration.
    Her evasive grace eludes
    my sincerest efforts at capture.

    Quivering legs of hope falter, but
    she pauses, half a thought away,
    to linger in the unhurried spotlight
    of apprehension.

    She allows me…
    SheA simple stare?
    SheAn ephemeral ogle?
    She allows me...…an insightful gaze.

    Her eyes…
    HerFervent ambassadors,
    HerI look through them to search her heart,
    HerAnd pray to find myself there.
    Her eyes...…meet mine from behind their panes.

    Her lips…
    HerDelicate petals,
    HerI imagine their touch and texture,
    HerUnconsciously brushing fingers across my own.
    Her lips...…part in a smile under a crinkled nose.

    Her hand…
    HerSupple nurturer,
    HerI feel her ardent endorsement,
    HerAnd comprehend our conjoint coalescence.
    Her hand...…reaches and clasps tenderly over mine.

    Creases of uncertainty are replace with a smile
    as I grasp the offered gesture,
    my epiphany final.

    She is you.


    Please be specific,and as I said, I have thick skin and am looking for constructive criticism on whether these should see the light of publication. Thanks in advance.
    First note on quoting to criticize: wow. this is going to be trouble. i dislike the changed board functions; it was much easier before. :P

    Okay, so to critique, I'm going to refer to your lines and poems instead of the usual red bytext.

    Very much sentimental, but overall very tight to the subject/object of the poem.

    To clean up the first:
    1. I'm hesitant of the question addressing the title: it feels like a preface, and doesn't feel like it returns in the following lines. Summary: Out of place; good apostrophe to the author, and fluid introduction, but just...a tool.

    2. "Poetry rewards the attentive": I did definitely not see the acrostic until I thought about it some more. It's another tool, but I think that it works in a way your title should work: I want to know who you are after/without, please show us. (as for why I didn't spot it before: acrostics tend to 'out' themselves with terrible, interrupted flow. meaning: yours has good flow. )

    3. Line cleaning: I'm not keen on "Hope fulfills not / only sustains.", nor "Forbid it Heaven."; these lines illustrate what I feel would help your poem: punctuation. Many of the other lines follow from each other, but they all feel so fragmented that you could easily utilize semi-colons or colons to let the reader anticipate the choppiness(which isn't used here as a bad thing).

    If the theme fits with love, I think that this poem would not be my initial choice; however, if it's something broader like emotion, I think this would be a great turn from sappy verse that is concluded or resolved by the end.

    On to the second:(which is good, but I'm just going to let it all spill out in a paragraph)

    I would not publish this unless you clean out the last line. I feel it is far too direct, and directed. This is not a poem for everyone, but one. You do not help the case by breaking the moments; I can't remember what was before the initial ellipses without going back, and breaking the rhythm. You can clean it up with better formatting(which I understand was a problem, believe me, my last post wasn't cake at all ). Since I do not recommend for publication, my points may not matter: you have already written this regardless and it's a poem for 'you', I can't say what would make you like it better.

    If you still wish to head for the publication:
    It's a little...too climactic; I tend to like turns, not straightforward events. I know it may be a failing on my part, but unless I become interested in the poem by being attracted to some genius/ingenuity, there's no merit for me as a reader. Which is why, with all the sentimental value it holds for you and 'you', I think you should keep it for yourself.


    Well, that's all I can do here. I'll try to defend anything I said, or clarify, if needed.

    Keep writing!
    Mercy is the mark of a great man.
    *stab*
    Guess I'm just a good man.
    *stab*
    Well, I'm alright.

  4. - Top - End - #4
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Joosbawx's Avatar

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    Default Re: Constructive Criticism Request

    Thank you for the points, and I think that you are probably righ ton target with them. I do have reservations about using these two, which is why I was hoping for feedback; however, as I sift through my portfolio I end up coming back to these, and I don't want to submit something purely based on the sentimental value that it holds for myself.

    To your points on the first:
    1. Yes, the first line is not my favorite, and has beeen changed a few times over the course of its life. This particular line was to attempt to bring a bit of attention to the acrostic without trying to throw it into the readers face.

    2. Thank you for the comment about flow. Appreciated.

    3. As for the turned phrases you pointed out, those were the sacrifices that were made to use the acrostic, and perhaps they're too much of a price to pay for something that is too subtle. I'm not so sure either way...hmmm. However, I agree that a better use of punctuation could help the reader anticipate/expect/accept the way the poem reads in order to preserve the acrostic...if its worth preserving.

    Anyway, as for the second poem, this was a bit of an experiment, which started a little differently and evolved into its current form after a bit of reworking. It stemmed for a bit of writer's block I was experiencing while trying to get an idea out of my head. The purpose of the ellipses is to try to emphasize and hone in on the moment when something happens...the moments that one goes back to in memory time and again when revisiting a personally significant happening...and living in those details that make the moment wonderful and worth revisiting. Whether or not this is accomplished in this particular work has apparently been answered. Perhaps I'm trying to combine two works here that would be served better by seperating them into individual pieces where it isn't so distracting. However, in defense of this idea of living the moment, like most literature, a reader rarely catches all meaning that is intended in the first pass, and, especially as intended in this work, the re-reading of the poem mirrors that act of revisiting a moment and savoring the details of that memory and perhaps gleaning a bit more from them in the process. Or that is the intention, anyway, but I may be being a bit pretentious to think that it was pulled off successfully, too. However, I think, perhaps, the alliteration in between some of the ellipses is a bit distracting.

    Not being arguementative, but more conversational, and I sincerely appeciate your points, Mattaeu. Thank you, and anyone else that would like to join us, for discussing this with me.
    Last edited by Joosbawx; 2006-11-03 at 09:41 AM.

  5. - Top - End - #5
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Death, your friend the Reaper's Avatar

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    Default Re: Constructive Criticism Request

    I think you need more salt.

    Oh wait, you mean your poems.

    I am not the best to consult, but they both seemed very meaning full, and obviously came from the heart (witch, incidentally, when cooked with boiling water and some herbs, tastes quiet nice).

    I applaud you poet!
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