Iron Author Contest (This is the Creative Writing Contest)

[Fat Daddy]

Well, let's see here. averagejoe has requested that Z-Axis' entry be counted and judged so I have no problem doing that as the other author in that bracket (Tanon Sharpe) withdrew. As for Vorpal Tribble and SilverKnight, extensions are up to the other competitors in their brackets. So on that front, Zombie and Ravyn, please PM me if you want to allow SilverKnight an extension. Yawielas and Elvaris, please PM me if you want to allow VT an extension. I would ask that you don't post your request here in public view. I don't want any hard feelings if one person requests an extension and the other doesn't.
Hope you all are having a great New Year and I look forward to running the final round of this contest soon!

[DArKandEViL]

My judgment will be here soon. I'm posting this at a different computer.
expected a little after 8:00 EST

[DArKandEViL]

Yawiela

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Your story was very good, I liked how you integrated the 2 articles.
It was very organized and clean. There wasn't very much story to it though. It had a bit of short span to it. Not really a lot happened. Otherwise, It's pretty good.

Elvaris

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Your story is very interesting. It was a bit hard to read though. A little funny, serious, but I don't remember Elvis being mentioned in either Articles.
Anyways other than that your story was very suspenseful and twisting at that.
It was fun reading it. Or not

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had it yesterday but my computer decided to take a nap and shut itself down and I didn't save a copy, anyways enough excuses. The winner of this bracket is

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Elvaris

I thought I'd finish i faster but I didn't. I'll judge the 2 other brackets and post em' on the weekend

[TheSilverKnight]

I have been busy with school. But if the other entrants in my bracket allow it I will write something tomorrow and get it in as fast as possible.

[DarkLightDragon]

Been busy... I promise to get these judged soon! Tomorrow if not today! But I will try to make it today!

EDIT: Here they are:

Bracket 1:

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Averagejoe:

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I’ll forgive you for not including theadfall. Not everyone has read every book. I like how you included the herb. The characters and dialogue was good, but the ending was odd. Sometimes those endings can work, but it didn’t work as well in this story. Just leaving things at “Lily gets attacked by freaky undead armoured guys” without telling us what happened is not the way to go. However, the story was still pretty good and was an interesting read.

***

Z-Axis

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The first-person view was interesting. It’s not often that I see these, but they’re still interesting. I noticed that you didn’t reference the herb very much, and would’ve liked to see a bit more, but at least it was in there. This was a good story.

***

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Winner: Averagejoe

Bracket 2 (If SilverKnight is allowed in, let me know and I'll edit this):

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Ravyn

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I liked how you used flashbacks to reference the submarine. I like how the words are used because it made the character of the old man more convincing to me. I could actually imagine an old man like this. Well done.

***

ZRS

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This one referenced the articles pretty well. The axe part was creepy, and the last line confused me, but other than that, the story was decent.

***

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Winner: Ravyn

Bracket 3:

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Yawielas

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This was pretty good. Having all those famous people from history together reminded me of the episode of Red Dwarf where the characters found something which teleported them to another planet, and it had droids who were programmed to be like certain people in history… that episode was quite funny.

Anyway, while the article references were okay, I remember something about the boxer being blind and deaf, yet I saw none of this. Other than that, the references were creative.

This story is a good one.

***

Elvaris

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A good story. I liked most of the dialogue and the way the characters interacted with each other. The articles were also referenced quite well. This makes for an interesting read.

***

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Winner: Elvaris

[Vaynor]

When is the contest over? I would really enjoy participating, but I keep missing the new contests. When the new one starts, can someone send me a PM so I don't forget? It would be greatly appreciated.

[Brickwall]

We're still in the middle of the first one. The finals are coming up next, and after that, there will be a new contest maybe! If there is, I'm totally entering again.

[Vaynor]

Oh, well I missed getting into the first one then, my mistake.

[Bryn]

Bracket 1:

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Averagejoe:

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I’ll forgive you for not including theadfall. Not everyone has read every book. I like how you included the herb. The characters and dialogue was good, but the ending was odd. Sometimes those endings can work, but it didn’t work as well in this story. Just leaving things at “Lily gets attacked by freaky undead armoured guys” without telling us what happened is not the way to go. However, the story was still pretty good and was an interesting read.

***

Z-Axis

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The first-person view was interesting. It’s not often that I see these, but they’re still interesting. I noticed that you didn’t reference the herb very much, and would’ve liked to see a bit more, but at least it was in there. This was a good story.

***

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Winner: Averagejoe

Ah well, you can't win them all... Well done AJ! Still, there's always the other judge...

[Fat Daddy]

First, I would like to apologize to all the contestants for my recent absence from the boards. Life got in the way. All the medical crises seem to be taken care of now (I think I spent more time in the ER than at home recently).
Anyway, the judges are hard at work and the results should be finalized in the next day or so.

I will be posting my reviews of the second round stories shortly.

Fat Daddy's Unofficial review of Yawielas' story

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I liked this story. It left me with a bit of a 'huh?' feeling. I wasn't sure if this was a glimpse of the afterlife or a hallucination from a man with a bloodclot in his brain. That is the way I imagine you intended. Using the small town this way had a bit of an 'x-files' feel to it which was surprising given your subjects, well done. I thought the town was incorporated creatively and the boxer was incorporated well if not as creatively and a little bland. A good story overall.

Fat Daddy's unofficial review of Ravyn's story

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I think you totally captured the essence of 'the greatest generation'. I completely know this guy. His practicality, suppressed memories, implied surliness. Did you channel my grandfather while writing this? I really liked the incorporation of the submarine. Locations seem to be easy to incorporate and you did so adequately. You did an excellent job on the character. The only problem is that nothing really happened and this did detract from your story. All in all, a good story with a great character.

Fat Daddy's unofficial review of averagejoe's story

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A nice little ghost story with some great imagery. The Lily's character was very believable. I could feel her fear and confusion. Well done. The incorporation of the spice was excellent, one of the best I've seen to date. You didn't include the second article at all that I could see. This is a big detractor for me. I enjoy seeing how two disparate articles are tied together into a cohesive whole and this story completely failed to do that. I mentioned before that I like endings that leave the reader wondering and this was good for that. If you make it to the next round I hope to see you try something different though.

Fat Daddy's unofficial review of ZombieRockStar's story

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What a horrific and disturbing tale you weave. The emotionless, matter of fact tone of the narrator make it even creepier. Gave me the 'heebie jeebies' (or whatever). Good job on incorporating the articles, I thought the submarine was incorporated exceptionally well. All in all, a tale I won't be telling to my daughter's anytime soon.

Fat Daddy's unofficial review of Elvaris' story

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A really good job on this story. Very creative and original incorporation of the boxer. His use as a life change event for the main character was inspired. Good incorporation of the town as well. I really liked this story. It was a fun read that kept me reading to see where it all was going. I liked the little twist at the end quite a bit. I also found myself wondering what was going to happen to Marjorie beyond the story. Would they hook-up when he came back through, would she leave and try a new life? You had me caring about the characters. Nicely done

Fat Daddy's unofficial review of Z-Axis' story

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Very good incorporation of 'thread' (obviously as it was the focus of the story). The incorporation of the spice was rather weak. I almost missed it, buried as it was in a list of other spices. The first person perspective was interesting and added to the story. Having never read the Pern books, I think you did a good job of giving some basics of the world without seeming to do so. Using first person also helped me to identify with your protagonist. I completely understood his anger and anquish at losing Fergis, his comrade in arms. Overall a compelling little read. Nice job

[Yawielas]

Thank you very much, Fat Daddy:) Well, it seems I'm out of the running, unless the other judges says differently. Good luck everyone! It's been fun.

[Bryn]

Fat Daddy's unofficial review of Z-Axis' story

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Very good incorporation of 'thread' (obviously as it was the focus of the story). The incorporation of the spice was rather weak. I almost missed it, buried as it was in a list of other spices. The first person perspective was interesting and added to the story. Having never read the Pern books, I think you did a good job of giving some basics of the world without seeming to do so. Using first person also helped me to identify with your protagonist. I completely understood his anger and anquish at losing Fergis, his comrade in arms. Overall a compelling little read. Nice job

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About that herb, I thought it would seem a little cheesy to emphasise it - it's weird enough to be thinking about herbs during a threadfall, but to think 'Ooo, savory!'...
Apart from that, (which is becoming my favourite smily along with right now...

[Ravyn]

Fat Daddy's unofficial review of Ravyn's story

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I think you totally captured the essence of 'the greatest generation'. I completely know this guy. His practicality, suppressed memories, implied surliness. Did you channel my grandfather while writing this? I really liked the incorporation of the submarine. Locations seem to be easy to incorporate and you did so adequately. You did an excellent job on the character. The only problem is that nothing really happened and this did detract from your story. All in all, a good story with a great character.

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Depends on how you define nothing happening, I suppose. As you may have noticed, I tend towards the introspective. As to the rest... thanks very much. I wasn't sure I could pull it off, given how much older he was than I and the fact that I've never had anything to do with submarines or the Midwest. Wouldn't even be surprised if I was channelling; the whole story came off of a strong burst of inspiration while I was sitting around my aunt's computer room.

[averagejoe]

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I’ll forgive you for not including theadfall. Not everyone has read every book. I like how you included the herb. The characters and dialogue was good, but the ending was odd. Sometimes those endings can work, but it didn’t work as well in this story. Just leaving things at “Lily gets attacked by freaky undead armoured guys” without telling us what happened is not the way to go. However, the story was still pretty good and was an interesting read.

Fat Daddy's unofficial review of averagejoe's story

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A nice little ghost story with some great imagery. The Lily's character was very believable. I could feel her fear and confusion. Well done. The incorporation of the spice was excellent, one of the best I've seen to date. You didn't include the second article at all that I could see. This is a big detractor for me. I enjoy seeing how two disparate articles are tied together into a cohesive whole and this story completely failed to do that. I mentioned before that I like endings that leave the reader wondering and this was good for that. If you make it to the next round I hope to see you try something different though.

Why is everyone putting their responses to these in spoilers? Ah, well, I guess since all the cool people are doing it...

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Well, to start, thank you both for your comments, both positive and negative. I had intially decided to put thread in, but it seemed rather forced when I did so, and I favored a more fluid narrative. Maybe I made the wrong choice there, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. This is one that I would have liked to edit a lot, in things both mentioned and unmentioned by my critics. I still haven't been able to come up with a good ending.

[Elvaris]

Because I feel left out:

Elvaris

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Your story is very interesting. It was a bit hard to read though. A little funny, serious, but I don't remember Elvis being mentioned in either Articles.
Anyways other than that your story was very suspenseful and twisting at that.
It was fun reading it. Or not

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He wasn't technically mentioned in the town's article, but the Google Maps link in the article clearly placed Sherman between Elvis' birth town of Tupelo and Memphis, where he started recording. I... um... extrapolated a bit.

Fat Daddy's unofficial review of Elvaris' story

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A really good job on this story. Very creative and original incorporation of the boxer. His use as a life change event for the main character was inspired. Good incorporation of the town as well. I really liked this story. It was a fun read that kept me reading to see where it all was going. I liked the little twist at the end quite a bit. I also found myself wondering what was going to happen to Marjorie beyond the story. Would they hook-up when he came back through, would she leave and try a new life? You had me caring about the characters. Nicely done

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Thank you. It's funny, I haven't re-read the story. I didn't have time before posting it and I haven't taken the time since, so all I remember is the rush I was in to finish. I thought I rushed the ending and really botched the relationship between the characters. Apparently I'm my own harshest critic.

For the record, I think she goes back and finishes college, and I wouldn't be surprised if she transfers to a school in south Florida.

[Fat Daddy]

Why is everyone putting their responses to these in spoilers? Ah, well, I guess since all the cool people are doing it...

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Well, to start, thank you both for your comments, both positive and negative. I had intially decided to put thread in, but it seemed rather forced when I did so, and I favored a more fluid narrative. Maybe I made the wrong choice there, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. This is one that I would have liked to edit a lot, in things both mentioned and unmentioned by my critics. I still haven't been able to come up with a good ending.

I can't speak for everyone but I put mine in spoiler to try and deter the judges from reading anyone else's opinion before they post their results. And I would just like to state, for the record, that I have never been considered one of the 'cool' people. It's just not my style...

[Dispozition]

Ok...First two brackets done! Third one in a little bit...Sorry for being so late

Braket 1

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Z-Axis

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Good story. The ending was a little abrupt, but suitable. The articles were worked in well, but not too much. I don’t normally like first person stories, but this worked well and wouldn’t have been as good if it were third person. All up, good, solid effort, good work.

AverageJoe

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Once again, a brilliant story from you. The description of the mountains at the beginning was detailed and almost made me feel like I was there. The middle was a little slow, but good none-the-less. The ending was good, and I like the mob didn’t get her. Savoury was used more than well enough, but I didn’t see any reference to Thread, other than that, a great story.

Verdict

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Aside from the fact that he didn't include one of the articles, AverageJoe's story was the better. It had a better feel to it, and seemed to flow more smoothly. Z-axis, don't give up, your story was great, you just got beaten on the day.

Bracket 2

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ZRS

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Not bad, a few grammatical errors, but nothing too bad. The ending was a little strange, I’m not sure what happened to the ‘main character’ and the reference to the axe confused me. The last sentence however, has great effect. Not too bad a story, but I’m sure you could do better.

Ravyn

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Great story, the use of the articles were different to what I was expecting. The beginning was good, but the ending a little lacking. The main body was also very good. I like how there was only one person in the story, but a lot was able to be conveyed. All up, great work.

Verdict

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Like I said in the judging, ZRS could have done much better. The His story was too short, and it was a little hard too follow. Ravyn wins this round. Good work, both of you.

Bracket 3

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Elvaris

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That was good, very good. The articles worked well together, and the story flowed well. The content itself was good as well. At the start, you think you can see where the story is going, but it takes a rather unexpected turn. Great story.

Yawielas

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Great! A lot of research must have gone into that, or you know your history really well. The articles were worked in well, especially the idea that a sleep little town could really be heaven. The end was a little confusing, but the rest of the story was superbly written. Just great.

Verdict

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This one was very hard to judge...Very hard. Elvaris' had a good twist, but Yawielas' is also rather 'not of the norm'. I'll have to say that Yawilas wins this one, based soley on the fact that I enjoyed it more. It was very close though. Elvaris, you still did a great job.

All done!

[Fat Daddy]

Woohoo!! We have our 3 finalists. Congratulations to averagejoe, Ravyn and Elvaris. I will post the links on Friday night (January 12th) and they will be due Midnight (EST) Friday January 19th. Good luck!

[Ravyn]

Sweet! Thanks to the judges, and I look forward to seeing what the next round brings. Good luck to all!

[averagejoe]

I can't speak for everyone but I put mine in spoiler to try and deter the judges from reading anyone else's opinion before they post their results. And I would just like to state, for the record, that I have never been considered one of the 'cool' people. It's just not my style...

I meant the authors who were responding to comments. I didn't mean to imply you were cool.

Thank you all for your kind words. I'll see you in the final round.

[Yawielas]

Hi:) Not to be difficult, but it seems like our bracket is not done, unless there was a third ruling that I missed, it's a tie between Elvaris and me. If I missed it, I apologize and congratulate Elvaris, of course:)

[Fat Daddy]

Hi:) Not to be difficult, but it seems like our bracket is not done, unless there was a third ruling that I missed, it's a tie between Elvaris and me. If I missed it, I apologize and congratulate Elvaris, of course:)

I double checked. DArKandEvil and DarkLightDragon ruled in favor of Elvaris and Dispozition ruled in favor of Yawielas. That makes Elvaris the winner.
Some of the judges go back and edit their posts adding new judgments if they don't have time to do them all at once.

I meant the authors who were responding to comments. I didn't mean to imply you were cool.

Well okay then. I was worried for a moment there

[Yawielas]

Found it! Sorry, was just checking. Good luck in the finale, everyone! :)

[Bryn]

Well, you can't win them all. Well done to AverageJoe, it's been a blast (whatever that means), and I'll be glad to have my life back

Good luck to all in the next round!

[ZombieRockStar]

Aww..nuts.

Good job, Ravyn.

As you said, that really wasn't my best work. Oh, well.

[Fat Daddy]

I went ahead and posted the final round a little early. It is up on the first post. Good luck to our finalists!!

[averagejoe]

Oh, come on, you've got to be kidding me. All I know about the West Wing is from this one Colbert Report when he was saying that when the show was going off the air it was kinda like the president of TV was resigning, and traditionally when presidents resign they pardon a few people, so the West Wing guy should pardon the A-Team. Yeah. I've never even heard of the show beyond that... *grumble grumble*

Ah well, no matter. This shall simply be my greatest challenge yet.

[Fat Daddy]

Oh, come on, you've got to be kidding me. All I know about the West Wing is from this one Colbert Report when he was saying that when the show was going off the air it was kinda like the president of TV was resigning, and traditionally when presidents resign they pardon a few people, so the West Wing guy should pardon the A-Team. Yeah. I've never even heard of the show beyond that... *grumble grumble*

Ah well, no matter. This shall simply be my greatest challenge yet.

I hear ya' Joe. I've never seen the show either. All I can say is good luck.

[TheSilverKnight]

Well taking it that no one responded to weather I could have the extra time I never wrote anything. So I take my bow and await the next contest. I think that the first round kind of killed it for me as I had no contest.

If we had many more judges I think it would be cool to place loser rounds in place. If you are not familiar with this rule its where the losers of each round face off and the winners of those matches get placed back into the brackets. Or as an extreme to this you can also take the losers of each round have them face of till there is only one and have that person vs the similar loser of the following round until you come out with a loser finalist to go with the grand winner. This way even losers can continue to compete in multiple brackets and won't have to wait a whole month or 4 to join the contest again.

[Elvaris]

Well, I'm going to be away from my computer tomorrow, so it looks like I'm first. Before I post, I will suggest that those who haven't seen West Wing find a copy of season 1 on DVD and invest a little time. It's well written stuff.

Here it is:
Blood Pressure Sounds and A West Wing Character

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Nothing can ever be easy, Lily Tomlin thought as she looked at her watch. When the production company had requested an interview to discuss a project, it hadn't even occurred to her she had a doctor's appointment that day. So of course, by the time she tried to reschedule the appointment, the office was booked solid for two months, leaving her with the choice of being late for her meeting or getting a lecture from her doctor. And she had had enough lectures from doctors. So here she was sitting in the waiting room, checking her watch, and hoping this would be as quick and painless as possible.

"Lily... Oh my God."


Lily cringed. There hadn't been a new nurse in this office in years, which was why she was so comfortable here. It had to be today, of all days. This girl looked about 15, though being dressed as a registered nurse placed her well beyond that. Lily hoped she'd been prepared for dealing with celebrities, though the 'Oh my God' didn't bode well for that.
"This is just a checkup, I'll take you blood pressure and a blood sample and the doctor will perform a few basic tests." the new nurse -- Jennifer, according to her name tag -- said.
"Thanks, I'd really like to get this over with," Lily said.
"Have somewhere to be?" Jennifer asked.
"Yes," Lily was trying not to be deliberately rude, but was also trying to keep from getting dragged into a conversation that would delay her interview. Time was tight enough as it was.


As it turns out, she needn't have bothered.


"Is it a production meeting? I bet it is. It's a new Aaron Sorkin project, and you're going to be fantastic, just like you were in West Wing, and my father loves that show, and he's so sorry it went off the air, and he even said 'trust Aaron Sorkin to make even me like Lily Tomlin,' and I guess he didn't like you before, but he just loved you as Debbie Fiderer, and I loved how you just took charge of everything when you got in there, even though I loved Mrs. Landingham, I thought you did a really great job, and I just loved watching you put all those guys in their place and..."


By this point, Lily was surprised to discover she was in a chair with a blood pressure cuff on. Trying to keep up with the flurry of chatter had distracted her somewhat from her surroundings.


"...and then it's the end of the poker game, and you're piling up all the money you've taken from them, and you're just..."


It occurred to Lily she wasn't the only one distracted, as she realized her arm was starting to ache from the cuff. She looked at the scale of the meter, and it had crept all the way to the top of the range, well above what was necessary.


"Isn't that a little excessive?" Lily hoped that would derail the runaway train that was nurse Jennifer.
"What?" Lily gestured at the meter. "Oh, I'm sorry. I got a little distracted. I should probably stop pumping this up."
"Probably, yes." Lily cringed, the cuff was extremely tight around her arm.
"Korotkoff, Korotkoff, Korotkoff," Jennifer repeated as she opened the valve to release the pressure in the cuff.
"I'm almost afraid to ask, but who or what is Korotkoff?" Lily ventured.
"Oh, Korotkoff is this Russian doctor who first described the sounds you hear when you're taking someone's blood pressure. I mean it's all 'thumping' and 'muting', and this is the part that gets me, the fifth 'sound' is silence. I mean how can a sound be not a sound? It's all just so silly," Jennifer rambled.
"Well, that sounds fascinating, could I hear those sounds? If you're not going to listen for them, that is," Lily prodded.
Sure enough, the meter had drifted to its bottom during the explanation.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'm just so excited to meet you, and I'm just all over the place. Oh my God. I'm sorry."
"It's all right. It was my fault for asking. Just take a deep breath and take my blood pressure like I'm sure you've done for many other people," Lily soothed.
"I have, I'm just embarrassing myself. My father would be so disappointed in me. I just..." Se stopped, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. "I'll get this right this time, I promise."
Lily just nodded and closed her eyes, letting the poor girl do her work. She felt the cuff inflate, and then deflate in a far more timely manner than the previous attempt. She opened her eyes as Jennifer marked some numbers on her chart.
"140 over 80, but I knocked a few off, since I'm sure dealing with me was responsible for a few of those," Jennifer smiled.
"No dear, it's fine. You're not coming near me with a needle, but it's fine."
Jennifer blushed, "I'll find someone to get the blood sample for you. God knows I've held you up long enough already."


Damn doctors, Lily thought as she made her way up the stairs to her interview. After the blood pressure incident, the blood sample had gone smoothly enough, but the doctor had been behind schedule and left her sitting in an examination room for half an hour. And when he did show up, he looked at her for two minutes before telling her to watch what she eats and come back in six months, drifting on to the next patient.
It was a good thing they took her blood pressure before the appointment. If they had taken it after, it might have taken the entire scale to get a reading. But that was behind her now, and she just had to hope that being late wouldn't affect her chances of getting this job.


The secretary waved her straight into the office with a perfunctory "He's expecting you." Lily swept through the doors, prepared to apologize, but much to her surprise she never got the chance.


"Let me guess, you had a doctor's appointment that you couldn't cancel and he was so far behind schedule that you couldn't make it on time."
"How did you..."
"My daughter Jennifer just called me to tell me she had met Lily Tomlin at her new job, and how gracious you had been in dealing with her girlishness."
"She's a fine young woman. She just got a bit carried away."
"Tell me about it. I love her to death, but oh, can that girl talk."
"You must be very proud," Lily smiled.
"I am," he beamed. "I know she's grown up, but she'll always be my little girl."
"So..." Lily said as she changed the subject. "I understand you're a Debbie Fiderer fan."