Gaming with exes.

[NOhara24]

Thankfully, it's not my ex we're talking about.

Obviously, many people in this forum have either gamed with a significant other or with a couple as a part of their group. But I am wondering this:

When our group started, I had two players in a relationship. Our group took a two week break and surprise surprise, when we're getting ready to start back up I get a message that they're no longer together.

I never pried or asked as to why, but I know that they're both still planning on coming to sessions as usual.

I know it's largely based on the people in question, but has anyone ever seen a scenario like this work out? I am worried about this affecting my group and I'd rather lose one of them as opposed to both of them, or the group as a whole.

Thoughts anyone?

[Codyage]

My goodness, this is a predicament I have been through. It all depends on how they left terms wise. I have had a couple who were still good friends, play D&D together, and nothing had changed. The group dynamic, the out of game chatter, and everything else was fine.

Then on the other hand I had one of the most severe break ups I have had seen, and because of it, they couldn't be in the same room without being angry, regardless of sitting down at a table in a civilized manner to count numbers and thing strategically . It eventually it came to the point where, I picked the player who was much more committed to playing D&D, and let them stay. If they had both showed up, hell would have broken lose. Yet, I didn't want to kick out two people who enjoyed playing because of out of game disputes. They both wanted to stay, but after attempting a game with both of them, it just wouldn't work.

Eventually, I picked one over the other, and they stayed with our main group. The other person, I explained to them why, and invited them to join another group of players I GM for, and even invited them to my online group. They were still ticked off at me, and declined my offers, but they said they could understand why I had to do what I did. They ended up joining in a pathfinder game about a month later with some of my other friends.

• If your a player, talk with your GM, and let them sort it out. Its the GM's game, and they are the one who needs to make this decision. It may be better to see what your GM wants to do, but for the most part, they are the one who has to buckle down.

• If your the GM in the group. I would talk with the couple that broke up. If things are all right with them, be incredibly cautious on letting them back in to your game. Things could turn heated very quickly. If they can get through a couple of sessions, things may be fine. If the ex couple ends up not being on good terms, or after the game, things got out of hand, that is when you need to make a decision.

Now, this is all for preference. If people start saying your biased to a certain person for picking them over the other, you need to give a strong reason why you are removing this person or not the other. Sometimes it comes down to who your party wants to play with. Sometimes it comes down to who in the future can keep playing D&D on regular intervals. Lots of factors come in to this, but if you want to stay on decent terms with both people. You might want to kick them both from the game if they cant play along. If you try to keep one but not the other, the player left out (Not everyone does this, but in some cases they do.) may get angry at you.


This is just from my past experiences as a GM and a player, and this is one of the more harder decisions a GM has to make on the matter. I hope that everyone will be able to continue on peaceful terms, and no fighting or arguing comes of this.

[BWR]

I have had exactly one situation like this, but the couple in question were a bit odd anyway. They had been friends for something like 15 years before they became an item, and when they realized the item didn't really work they went back to being just good friends.
It all worked fine for them.

In your case, since both parties seem interested in continuing the game no matter what personal history there is, I would just keep my mouth shut and act normal.
If they seem to be uncomfortable in each other's presence or start arguing, discuss the matter with them seperately after the session is over and see what can be done.

[Shoot Da Moon]

What are the two player like in personality and play style, "normally", as far as you know?

[supermonkeyjoe]

I've run a game in the past where this happened, the main thing to watch out for is if they try to take any real life grievances or issues into the game, even if they don't realise they are doing it their characters can suddenly become antagonistic as they subconsciously try to vent their issues through their characters.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to find a decent way of dealing with this, the game only lasted a few more weeks before the game dissolved for unrelated reasons but hopefully if you manage to spot the symptoms you should hopefully be able to stop it before it escalates.

[Killer Angel]

IN my experience, I can tell that in the end, one of the player left the group.

[Knaight]

From what I've seen, "exes" are generally speaking a class of friends that people can get along with, and that this should be the default assumption in most cases. There are exceptions, and I've seen a few terrible blowups, but I've seen terrible blowups between friends which had no romantic connection too. Basically, don't worry about it; it probably won't be a problem. On the off chance that it is, you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

[NOhara24]

Sorry for the late response, I work nights so I didn't get a chance to look at the thread until now.

I am in fact the DM of the group and it's a hard pill to swallow that I may end up having to pick one over the other; but at least I wouldn't be the first DM to have to do so.

The first session with them as exes is tomorrow, so I'll see how their behavior is and make my decision from there.

Thanks all.

[Flickerdart]

All my games are .exes.

[Autolykos]

When that happened in my group, one of them (the one that joined later) had enough sense to leave before it split the group. I'd have preferred her to stay back then, but thinking about it now that probably *would* have split the group. That's not to say it will turn out the same with your group. Watch closely, be prepared for a split and don't be afraid to choose sides when that happens. Better two small and happy groups than one large and unhappy group.

[Driderman]

Thankfully, it's not my ex we're talking about.

Obviously, many people in this forum have either gamed with a significant other or with a couple as a part of their group. But I am wondering this:

When our group started, I had two players in a relationship. Our group took a two week break and surprise surprise, when we're getting ready to start back up I get a message that they're no longer together.

I never pried or asked as to why, but I know that they're both still planning on coming to sessions as usual.

I know it's largely based on the people in question, but has anyone ever seen a scenario like this work out? I am worried about this affecting my group and I'd rather lose one of them as opposed to both of them, or the group as a whole.

Thoughts anyone?

For my part, I think I'd contact them on Skype, or text, or whatever, somewhere where both are part of the conversation, and simply say something like "I don't really want to pry, but I'd just like to know if your situation is going to be a problem for the game. If it is, how do we solve it?" and see where it goes from there.

[Gwazi Magnum]

Note before you start reading my advice.

I've never had to deal with a couple in a d&d group personally.
Any relationship experience I've had has been... mentally abusive, hurtful and painful that didn't always resolve in the best way.

Though I've had to deal with almost any other kind of issue in d&d and players you could think of.

Basically the first piece of advice is something I find applies both to d&d games and everyday life.

Logic/Rational Thinking > Emotions and Personal Guilt.

It is important to be able to walk away from a decision and not hate yourself for it. But at the same time in most issues where there is a problematic player and people cling onto it hoping it will get better rather than doing something and/or the hard thing nothing get's accomplish but the situation worsening and people getting hurt even more.

So if it does come down to that the couple is being a problem you're going to have to make the hard choice. It may suck at the moment and may be what no one in the group wants to do but in the end you'll be better off for it.

But this doesn't mean just throw one or both of them out instantly. That's just paranoia. Even if one of the exes shows clear indicators that problems may happen a fair shake is still needed so the whole unfair argument isn't easily used against you. Plus if no one else in the group agree's with it before they even did anything you've got group conflict on your hands. At least if the ex behaves badly in game you have something to stand by as a defense for your decision.

Like everyone else has said though, give it a bit. See how the two exes adapt to the session and see if any fixing even needs to be done in the first place. Because hopefully they'll get along and nothing will need to be done about it.

One point I have to disagree with the others here about though is that is this a decision to leave up to the DM. This is an issue that would impact the group as a whole, and each of the other players probably do like or get along with each of the exes in one way or the other. I suggest after the first session you call a team meeting with the group minus the two exes and get a general opinion on if people feel things are fine or if something should be done.

A group where a DM just takes DM liberty to resolve all conflicts, especially personal conflicts is a group doomed to failure.

Good luck with your group though, and I really do hope it all turns out well. :)

[Velaryon]

One point I have to disagree with the others here about though is that is this a decision to leave up to the DM. This is an issue that would impact the group as a whole, and each of the other players probably do like or get along with each of the exes in one way or the other. I suggest after the first session you call a team meeting with the group minus the two exes and get a general opinion on if people feel things are fine or if something should be done.

This right here is excellent advice. If you take nothing else from this thread, this is the one thing you should remember.

As for my own personal experience, I play in a D&D game with my ex. It's a little awkward for me, I don't know how it is for her. This game only happens once every couple of months thanks to scheduling conflicts, so by the time we gamed after breaking up, I was already starting to see someone else, which helped a lot. In spite of it being a very painful breakup (at least for me), we never let it bleed over into the game.

That said, not all breakups are that way. I think you should see if these two can coexist in the same room before trying to game with them. Are these people you hang out with outside of gaming? If so, why not see how they get along together in a non-gaming social situation first? If not, perhaps talk to them individually and ask whether they think they will be comfortable gaming with their ex.

If it does turn out there's a problem, this is a decision for your entire group to make, not just you. Whether to drop one person or the other, kick both of them out, or try to continue on with both is something that you as GM should not decide without consulting the rest of the group.

[Kurald Galain]

I am in fact the DM of the group and it's a hard pill to swallow that I may end up having to pick one over the other;

I would be very careful with that; you should at least discuss it with both and see if one of them will voluntarily step down. I find that "taking sides" in any kind of dispute is rarely productive to solving anything.

[Griffith!]

It's a tough call. When there was a breakup in my group, one player left voluntarily. Recently, I went through a break-up and the group I was playing with declined to invite me back, opting instead to side with my ex - who was now dating another member of the group.

It happens. If the players get along, it's no big deal. If there's any kind of resentment, you will probably have to decide whether one stays or goes. Just don't assume there'll be a problem and act preemptively.

Just my ha'penny worth.

[NOhara24]

Late update for everyone.

I had my first session with the newly separate couple this past Saturday. It went well, surprisingly well even. Everyone had a blast and the two that I was worried about ignored each other the vast majority of the time.

For now, I think its going to to work. We'll have to see, though.

[Elvenoutrider]

Always nice to see some good news. glad its working out for you.

[Another_Poet]

I gamed with 4 friends + my wife for 4 years; after my wife and I divorced I continued playing with the same group & my ex for another 1 1/2 years.

We always had two campaigns going, on alternating weeks, and I GM'd one of the campaigns, meaning every other week I ref'd a game she was in. (In the other game we were both players.)

Overall it worked out well. After we split up we discussed what we should do. We both decided our game and our friends were important to us and we should try it - I think we took a few weeks off right after the split to make sure it wouldn't be too raw.

(We had a few boundaries: both of us started dating other people, but we never brought those new SO's to the gaming group.)

Eventually, when we had to handle the legal details of the divorce, we went from being "on good terms" to more of "not friends, but polite to each other." This invariably made gaming harder. Occasionally there would be a pointed comment across the table, or a simple rules disagreement would be more heated than it needed to be. I think that we were good at recognizing this and stepping back so that we didn't spoil the evening.

At one point we even played two PCs who were siblings, and worked closely together in-game.

Eventually, for unrelated reasons, I left to start traveling (see also: my sig), and I think it was good to no longer see each other regularly, but I don't think it caused much disruption to the group.

YMMV.