Things you will never hear your GM say

[Beelzebub1111]

Just what it says in the title.
D&D:
"You get on the boat, set sail, and reach your destination without incident."
"I don't see any problem with you playing an incantarix"

Vampire:
"The prince is very grateful and rewards you handsomely for your efforts. You have made a true friend this day"

Dark Heresy:
"Your inquisitor takes your suggestion into consideration, as he values the input of his underlings"

Star Wars:
"Yeah, you can play as a Yuuzhan Vong"
"We're playing in Legacy era"

[Hyena]

Star Wars
Maybe, the balance favours the jedi after all.
It needs nerf.
I am banning this.
I am so proud of how you are working together to solve this.

DnD
Your characters are exceptional people, it's no place for realism.
You successfuly break this wooden bar with your hands.
I let you take 10.
I will not homerule this.
I allow you to take something outside of the Player's handbook.
Turns out, tier system is not artificial and actually exists.
Fighter is a weak class.

World of Darkness
It's a dramatic system, so you have families and friends.
Starting with three five points in the disciplines is not okay.

[Warren Dew]

D&D:
"You get on the boat, set sail, and reach your destination without incident."
"I don't see any problem with you playing an incantarix"

I've said that. Frequently, even.

[TheCountAlucard]

Shadowrun - turns out the job was easy after all - it goes off without a hitch!

Exalted - let's play Alchemicals!

[QuintonBeck]

D&D
Finally! someone wanting to murder my NPCs!

Of course the Solar has wish prepared!

[OverdrivePrime]

D&D
Your clever plan is wholly successful.
Sure you can have level-appropriate gear. How much do you want?
What? No! Of course nothing bad happens to your character's friends and family.

Vampire
Your clever plan is wholly successful.
There probably isn't anyone more powerful than you around here.
You can relax now, the Tremere was totally sincere.

Shadowrun
Your clever plan is wholly successful.
Well, looks like everyone kept their word. You go home after the run without a problem.
Of course you're not being tailed in astral space. You're nobodies, why would that happen?

Star Wars
Your clever plan is wholly successful.
Why would Darth Vader show up here? That's ridiculous.
After a series of stellar astrogation checks, it looks like you can rest easy for a while.

Rifts
Your clever plan is wholly successful.
Sure, let's have a campaign based on one of the many interesting worldbooks instead of totally screwing you over with a series of increasingly-improbable DMPCs.
That's probably enough firepower.

[Ninjadeadbeard]

D&D
Your clever plan is wholly successful.

My other DM friend and I say that practically every ten minutes, forget every session.

[Alex12]

My other DM friend and I say that practically every ten minutes, forget every session.

It doesn't count when it's said sarcastically.

[BWR]

Just what it says in the title.
D&D:
"You get on the boat, set sail, and reach your destination without incident."

I've said this. Several times. Perfectly seriously.

[some guy]

Call of Cthulhu
I can't believe no one lost any sanity this evening! You all sure made stellar decisions!

After reading the ancient tome, you are comforted by the fact that mankind continues to improve itself through the quest for more knowledge. +1d6 san!

Any Game
Those decisions made in successive order sure were completely logical and in no way contradictive of one another.

[Ninjadeadbeard]

It doesn't count when it's said sarcastically.

Actually it's said angrily, with much gnashing of teeth and many burning NPC sheets.

My players destroy universes. They're the kind to kill all the Dragons, loot all the Dungeons, and then tear down the heavens and shatter the foundations of the earth as a parting shot.

[Mr Beer]

DnD
Your characters are exceptional people, it's no place for realism.

I thought this was explicitly understood by just about every GM? D&D is terrible for realism.

[Hamste]

D&D 3.5

"Truenamer you say? Why that's a fine and respectable class."

"What, you want to be a monk? That is way too powerful and op...why don't you be a druid instead?"

"You killed the magic vendor easily...add a million gp worth of magic items to your character sheet."

"I'm sorry but we are going to have to nerf the fighter and possibly make the wizard stronger."

"Initiate of the Seven Veils? Sure, I see no reason why you can't take that class."

[Kornaki]

I thought this was explicitly understood by just about every GM? D&D is terrible for realism.

You obviously haven't read the threads about upgrading the fighter class around here

[Crazyfailure13]

D&D/Pathfinder:

"all of your characters aren't murderhobos and want to do good deeds for free? Why not?"

"Your characters do things like sane people."

"You want to go sleep with the Albino Halfling, who's only a foot and a half tall? Ok."

"You jump down the side of the canyon because you saw something shiny? you land on a giant pile of invisible gold and are rich."

[navar100]

"The elves welcome you warmly to their land."

"In character you know a lot about this. I'll jot down a few notes you can reference for now to play the game. I'll email you the rest for later games."

"Your knowledge check tells you, in game terms, the monster has AC 23, 54 hit points, Fortitude +7, Reflex +3, Will +5, no DR or SR, is immune to electricity, and three times per day casts Lightning Bolt as an 8th level caster as a spell-like ability."

"As you listen at the door, you can hear 4 orcs in the room. Two are roughly on the other side of the room playing cards. The other two are near the door trying to be quiet, but you heard them anyway. They are ready for a fight. The dripping you hear is just a waterclock."

At some point in the dungeon. "You find a large diamond. Your appraise tells you it's roughly worth 10,000 gold pieces." At the end of the adventure. "What, no, you still have the diamond. It's not a key for anything."

"Roll an Intelligence check" . . . "Ok, you figure out the riddle and know to open the third door from the left to safety."

"You get a response to your Divination spell. While using the ring itself won't hurt you, the one who lost it wants it back and is actively looking for it. He is dangerous and likely to attack first and ask questions never."

"You saved Village Anytown from the goblin attack. You brought the bandits of Trade Road to justice. The Duke would love to see you and thank you personally. I agree. He should be warned of this bugbear threat you discovered, says the Palace Guard as he escorts you inside."

[Sith_Happens]

I thought this was explicitly understood by just about every GM? D&D is terrible for realism.

Yes, but very few of them seem to take it lying down.

[Jay R]

"Oh, you misunderstood the situation? OK, you can re-do your action."

[vasharanpaladin]

"Players get too many nice things."

"No, we're playing Pathfinder, not 4e."

[Cloud]

D&D
"I'm perfectly happy with you ruining my masterpiece encounter with 1 spell. Nothing will come back to bite you for this."

WoD
"Those hunters are perfectly understanding that Mages are still humans, not real monsters."

[Mr Beer]

You obviously haven't read the threads about upgrading the fighter class around here

I have not.

Yes, but very few of them seem to take it lying down.

Well, it's supposed to be unrealistic, the trick is deciding what is reasonably realistic in that setting.

[Lord Raziere]

let see….

DnD:
"lets run a beer and pretzels game"
"lets run a super-optimized campaign with all 3.5 wizards"
"we are all playing kleptomaniac murderhobos"
"creative awesome concepts are not allowed here"
"Paladins should keep their stick up their backsides ram-rod straight, and the lawful good alignment should always be adhered to by them"

Urban Fantasy:
"There is no apocalypses that have already happened."
"the world is not screwed up."
"the supernatural is still secret"

my GM is awesome…of course I agree with him on a lot so….yeah. probably would never seriously utter these sentences myself.

[Manly Man]

D&D: "Tristalt, anyone?"

[InQbait]

"You can torture that NPC you captured in any way you want."

"I love how you want to run businesses and rule the world instead of actually adventuring. You're method of playing roleplaying games is so effective and f*cking brilliant, man."

[TuggyNE]

"What, you want to be a monk? That is way too powerful and op...why don't you be a druid instead?"
[…]
"I'm sorry but we are going to have to nerf the fighter and possibly make the wizard stronger."

I've seen at least one thread, each, in which the OP was told exactly that by their DM.

[Lorsa]

"I will GM now so you don't have to"... oh wait that was something I will never hear my players say, my mistake...


EDIT: For the sake of being honest, I do get to play some nowadays. It is only true for my oldest friends that I've played with for ages.

[Sith_Happens]

I've seen at least one thread, each, in which the OP was told exactly that by their DM.

Only one? You haven't been reading very many threads.

[Eldan]

"Yes of course I will run a game. No, no, I'm not quitting before the first session is even scheduled."

[DigoDragon]

"No, my personal DMPCs will not be making an appearance in this adventure."

[Alex12]

"In this setting, alignment is ironclad, and all spells with the [evil] tag are assumed to be evil. Especially Deathwatch."
"Of course you can play a Spellstitched Necropolitan Wizard/Tainted Scholar, and I won't try and screw you over with it."
"We won't be tracking encumbrance or supplies like food in this campaign."