Strange problem with GM - Not sure how to proceed

[Omnomnom]

Hey, so I'm not sure what to do in this situation. I've been a player in a game for several years, with a long hiatus in between. Since coming back, I've noticed that the DM is overly obsessed with extreme sexual content that often times makes me feel uncomfortable.

This GM even goes as far as to twist my own descriptions into meaning something else by choosing alternate definitions for, otherwise, commonly used words. It started after I took up his offer for solo campaigning which was meant to help the story, as it related to my character, along. Because his game allows for our characters to be evil, the side plots seemed run-of-the-mill and then slowly ramped up into an unrecognizable mess.

I tried having a private conversation with him and the response I got was, "You've never had a problem with this before," followed by a long rant that somehow resulted in me apologizing for bringing up my concern. I know that he isn't attracted to me, but I'm beginning to wonder if he's attracted to the character I'm playing.

I'm friends with all of the other players and I'm fairly confident that none of them have seen this side of the DM. He has tried bringing the behavior into main games by texting me extras during the game that he doesn't want other players to be aware of; I generally ignore them.

The GM has always been a little sensitive and eccentric, but it's never been a problem until now. Does anyone have any advice for how to handle this or what to say? I'm considering quitting the game, but I know it'll have social ramifications unless I can think of an unrelated excuse.

[hymer]

My thoughts:
I suggest you take it up again. Write down on a piece of paper the points you need to make. Sit patiently and placidly through any rants and cling doggedly to your list, taking it step by step until you're done. Choose the place to have this conversation with some thought. Make sure you tell him that this is about how you feel - uncomfortable.
And maybe try not to read into why he's behaving like this. If he offers an explanation that's fine, but there's really no reason you need to put up with it. And speculating on his motives may be counterproductive, especially if done out loud. If you must, switching to a character that he wouldn't find attractive should be an interesting conversation. It may cause him to throw you out, if he's so emotional about it.
If he doesn't stop, that's when you leave. Make sure all the others are told that this is nothing to do with them, and that you hope to play with them again at some other time. For now, you need a break from roleplaying. Then you can return at an appropriate time.

[Aolbain]

Ah, he's one of those.

[The Fury]

OK, let me just start by saying that if what's happening is making you uncomfortable that's not your fault. Whether or not you "never had a problem with it before" is irrelevant.
The DM might be getting a bit defensive in response to objections you're raising, other than that I can't really be certain. But good for you for at least trying to talk to the DM about it.

[SouthpawSoldier]

Motives don't matter. Whether you were tolerant of this in the past is also irrelevant. This constitutes sexual harrassment, period.

It's one thing if everyone at the table is going along with the joke, and has boundaries clearly set so no lines are crossed. But if ONE person is made to feel uncomfortable, it has to stop. There are other ways to bring humor into a campaign.

Don't feel an obligation to work things out. You've tried to make your point, but all you should have to say is "I'm not cool with this".

[Rhynn]

I've noticed that the DM is overly obsessed with extreme sexual content that often times makes me feel uncomfortable.

I only read this part, and I already know the correct answer: change DMs, kick the DM out, or leave the group. Immediately. No ifs, ands, or buts. Those are your three options, and the first one isn't as good as the other two.

Proceeding to read the rest of your OP now...

This GM even goes as far as to twist my own descriptions into meaning something else by choosing alternate definitions for, otherwise, commonly used words.

This by itself also justifies changing DMs or leaving.

I tried having a private conversation with him and the response I got was, "You've never had a problem with this before," followed by a long rant that somehow resulted in me apologizing for bringing up my concern.

Another reason to leave or kick the DM out, all by itself.

Does anyone have any advice for how to handle this or what to say? I'm considering quitting the game, but I know it'll have social ramifications unless I can think of an unrelated excuse.

Don't make excuses, tell the group what the problem is. Show them the texts, whatever. If they won't agree to kick the DM out, leave.

You should not ever play with a DM like this. Ever. Stop it.

[ParsimonyJones]

I'm really sorry that this issue has come up for you, it sounds like a difficult situation. You were totally right to bring this up with your DM, and you would be totally justified if you decided to leave the game. However, since that's not an outcome you want, I agree that you should bring it up again as it continues. From the way that the DM turned it around on you and you wound up apologizing, it sounds like he got defensive. When talking to people who are defensive about being called out, sometimes it is useful to phrase it in terms of "I Statements."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message

The basic idea is to phrase things in terms of your experience and feeling of the situation, ("When this happens, I feel...") in a away that avoids making people feel blamed - because even if though I'd say he is at fault, you'll have more success changing his behavior if he feels he's being asked to work with you, and not criticized. If he still doesn't recognize that there's a problem, maybe there's anther player in the group that you both feel close to who could talk to him about it one-on-one? Good luck!

- Parsimony

PS: Although I like to imagine the DM is just oblivious and needs to be made aware of the seriousness of this, you're the only one who can tell whether giving him a chance to change perspective is worth it. If you don't think the DM has the capacity to understand why his actions are harmful, then the posters immediately above are right - you should get out of that situation.

[HaikenEdge]

While the "I" statements would likely be helpful in other situations, it sounds like the fact the DM says, "You've never had a problem with this before," seems to imply that "I" statements were already attempted.

While you should give a private discussion another go, ultimately, if you find that you cannot resolve this in private conversation, it may become necessary to either bring it up with the rest of the group, using the texts as proof if necessary. Stand your ground, since you're the one being harassed, and if your group decides that your concerns are trivial to them, then it'd be for the best for you to leave the group.

[MonochromeTiger]

I only read this part, and I already know the correct answer: change DMs, kick the DM out, or leave the group. Immediately. No ifs, ands, or buts. Those are your three options, and the first one isn't as good as the other two.

Proceeding to read the rest of your OP now...



This by itself also justifies changing DMs or leaving.



Another reason to leave or kick the DM out, all by itself.



Don't make excuses, tell the group what the problem is. Show them the texts, whatever. If they won't agree to kick the DM out, leave.

You should not ever play with a DM like this. Ever. Stop it.

agreeing with rhynn here, if the DM is making you uncomfortable and unwilling to stop despite being TOLD you feel uncomfortable with what they're doing (especially since it seems to be done only to you and thus doesn't even qualify as something the group was made aware of beforehand), tell your friends, try one more time to get him to stop and don't take a guilt trip for an answer because you aren't the one in the wrong. if he still doesn't stop then it's not worth suffering through something set up by a DM unwilling to listen to their players' concerns, make it clear to your friends that what the DM is doing felt wrong to you and find a more considerate DM to play with.

[nedz]

It sounds like bullying, but it's hard to know for sure at this distance.

There are a number of strategies for handling this sort of thing ranging from standing up against it, to recruiting allies from among the other players, to ... leaving.

Only you can decide what the best course of action is because you are "the guy on the ground".

[Mr Beer]

If there is heavy sexual content directed at you only and you're uncomfortable with it and you've told the DM that and he's not stopping...that's sexual harrassment. Not cool DM, not cool.

Did he back off at all after that one talk you had? I know he got defensive but it's also possible he thought better of it afterwards. If not, you could try talking to him again or do it by email if you think it's better to get all your points across. BTW you seem to think there's going to be social fallout so do yourself a favour, if he's sending you dubious text messages, keep them as evidence.

At the end of the day, no game is better than game plus sexual harrassment.

Also, you say he is not atttracted to you at all, it's certainly possible that he is and you don't know it.

[The Oni]

Yeah. If he's powertrippin', you need to shut that **** down, and the harder you do it the less likely he is to do it to his next group. Remember that it's the whole table's fantasy, not just his.

[CarpeGuitarrem]

Have you talked this over with the rest of the group? If one player makes a fuss in a private conversation, that can be ignored or overridden. If the entire group comes to the GM, that's something else altogether.

These sorts of behaviors tend to thrive on isolation: if you're the only person who knows about that, it limits your ability to properly respond to the situation. In other words: don't split the party. Team up with the rest of the table to get this dealt with.

Also, I agree with the others that this behavior is harassment. It's a step beyond disagreements that can be talked through.

[Gavran]

Also, you say he is not atttracted to you at all, it's certainly possible that he is and you don't know it.

I too think it's a possibility, but it of course isn't remotely close to a justification.

I can't really add anything unique at this point, but consider me in favor of basically everything that basically everyone has said. This sounds unacceptable.

[Honest Tiefling]

This certainly wasn't what I was expecting, I'll tell you that. But is there a member of the game (Or perhaps, in a different game of a gaming background) you are friends enough with to discuss this with? If you feel there are other factors, then maybe present it to them and ask for advice. Only if you think there is enough of a mitigating factor or complication.

Otherwise? Ditch the mother****ers. Why would you ever want to remain friends with a group of people totes okay with you getting creepy stuff PMed to you? Get new friends, these ones are defective.

[The Fury]

This certainly wasn't what I was expecting, I'll tell you that. But is there a member of the game (Or perhaps, in a different game of a gaming background) you are friends enough with to discuss this with? If you feel there are other factors, then maybe present it to them and ask for advice. Only if you think there is enough of a mitigating factor or complication.

Otherwise? Ditch the mother****ers. Why would you ever want to remain friends with a group of people totes okay with you getting creepy stuff PMed to you? Get new friends, these ones are defective.

I don't think the other players know about the text messages and the other stuff that's creeping Omnomnom out. If that is the case, they can't really approve or disapprove of what's going on.
Anyway, I hope that there's at least some stuff that's helpful to you, Omnomom. Sorry I can't offer much more than moral support.

[CarpeGuitarrem]

Yeah; I'm fairly certain the other players don't know. The GM is engaging Omnomnomm under circumstances which render this behavior secret from the rest of the table (solo RP sessions and text messages). That's a red flag in my book.

(That being said: I'm no expert. This is just my gut feel.)

[Sir Chuckles]

You ultimately have two (rational) options:

If you're alone on this, Leave.

If the rest of the group agrees, Kick.

Choose one after you tell the rest of the group. If they disagree, then take option one. If they agree, begin a serious discussion (Away from the DM!) on option two.

[hymer]

@ Sir Chuckles: Surely there is another option. Given that they have been playing for years, and this occurs now, it could be possible to get the DM to stop creeping the player out.

[Jornophelanthas]

Here is some advice. Please consider it.

I tried having a private conversation with him and the response I got was, "You've never had a problem with this before,"

You can trump this argument with the statement, "Well, I am telling you now." Then reiterate your main point: "This makes me feel uncomfortable. Please stop it."

* If he agrees and changes his behaviour, problem solved. The game continues, and your relationship with the DM reverts to what it used to be. Do not bring up the topic again without cause. (This is the best possible outcome.)

* If he does not agree, tell him calmly that you see no other possibility than to leave his campaign. (Perhaps that convinces him to agree after all, but if he does not, follow up by actually leaving the campaign.) Never play in any present or future game where he is DM. You can still consider playing with him, depending on if you are okay with that. (It is up to you and him if the friendship can hold.)

* If he agrees, but does not stop the inappropriate content, leave the campaign. Explain to the DM why you are leaving, and tell him you can no longer be convinced to stay. Do not associate with him again, inside or outside of roleplaying. (Effectively, he has destroyed the friendship in this scenario, and you will need to make that known to him and move on.)

Bear in mind that exposing the DM's inappropriate content to the other players should be nothing less than a last resort, as it will likely damage your relationship with the DM beyond repair (not to mention any other players who may refuse to believe the allegations).
It may be worthwhile to confide in one or some of the other players whom you trust, to gain their advice, or if you are worried that the DM may also be sending the same kind of messages to them. But never consider exposing the DM out of pure spite, as that may damage you as much as it will damage the DM.

[Jay R]

My recommendation is to try to simply rebuff it for one game.

Each time he sends a sexual reference, reply with "I won't role-play sexual situations."

If he twists your description, reply with, "No, that's not what I meant. I meant the non-sexual meaning."

Don't argue or escalate; just respond with those two sentences, or some equivalent, over and over again. If he tries to get you to talk about it, just repeat the exact sentence, as many times as necessary.

You may need to go one step further, if he demands that you explain. "It's not up for discussion. I just won't role-play sexual situations."

Don't assume it's his job to fix your problem; it's yours. So do it. Every single time.

By the end of one game, he will play the way you are comfortable, or you will know you need to leave the game. Either counts as a victory.

[Mr Beer]

I too think it's a possibility, but it of course isn't remotely close to a justification.

LOL of course. Just pointing out something that OP thinks is impossible...is very possible.

[Honest Tiefling]

I understand that the others do not know, but if they ostracize him for leaving the group or raising a fuss for this reason, they suck.

[Gavran]

LOL of course. Just pointing out something that OP thinks is impossible...is very possible.

Indeed. I'd say probable, even, though we of course don't know everything. Only reason I didn't post it myself is because it seems so minor and everyone else has had a good handle on the more important parts.

[Omnomnom]

Thanks for the responses, guys. I tried discussing it with the the GM again and despite taking your advice, he just got incredibly defensive.

Instead, the GM started making outlandish claims and declarations about me entirely based off of the personality of my character combined with what I allowed in game before speaking up.

Needless to say, I don't think I'll be playing the game anymore. I'm friends with some of the players, but I've decided to leave quietly.

I let everyone know that school and work are becoming difficult to juggle (which is true) and that I need to leave the game. Oddly enough, I don't think the GM made the connection between our heated discussion and my leaving so he seemed absolutely fine with it.

[Alberic Strein]

Decided on the "leaving" method? Arf, too bad... But it might be the best option for you.

But yeah, it seems like some grade A "I don't know how to interact with people, oh look, we're having fun together, wanna have more? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Why aren't you responding? Why are you shunning me away? You don't like me anymore? Huh? Huh? Huh?" bis repetita ad nauseam.

Yeah, it definitely seems like your DM think you "share something in common that goes beyond RPGs" and he seems wrong, oh so wrong.

So yeah, I might be across the world, but it deeeeeefinitely seems like he is making a pass at you. And he is too caught up in his own things that he doesn't even want to accept this bothers you...

Oh well, not every DM is a hit and truthfully, seeing as the situation evolved...

Truth be told, I hate when leaving a group becomes the only possibility. It's just... Sad. Even more when things could have prevented the whole mess from spiraling out of control.

So yeah, being harder on him, confronting him about his crap, calling him out on what he makes you feel... Odds are, he probably thinks he is not going halfway as far as he is, so calling him out on it hard enough might have yielded some nice results...

But well, if it's too late, there is nothing to be done anyway... Maybe still call him out on it, that you didn't as much "leave" as he "chased you out", so he doesn't repeat such behaviour.


Well, I better be wary of my player's reactions with the sexy stuff from now on...

[Jornophelanthas]

You could consider telling the DM the real reason why you are leaving. If you do, do not do this in a confrontational manner, as that has been proven to not work in this situation. To avoid him becoming defensive, you should probably not go further into it than "that thing we talked about the other day that had me concerned", and indicate that you certainly don't want to have that conversation again.

Also, I don't know whether you want to shy away from him in the future or not.
If you do, you should probably inform one or two mutual friends that you no longer want to play with this person (no need to give a reason if you don't want to), so that they can take this into account in the future. That way, you don't isolate yourself from the entire group.
If you don't mind playing with him in the future, you should probably still consider not letting him be a DM for you any more, and just graciously decline any such future invitations. (If you leave him in the dark about your reason for leaving, you can expect to receive such invitations from him.)

Good luck, and I hope this blows over with minimal fallout.

[The Oni]

If he doesn't know why you left, he's gonna keep doing what he's doing because he doesn't know that there's anything wrong with it.

[Rhynn]

Yeah, just tell the dude what the problem is. Be honest, frank, and just peace out. Don't make it a confrontation or discussion: you're not trying to get any result, you don't need any back-and-forth, you just want to lay some truth on him and go. An e-mail or whatever works fine.

[Jay R]

He's leaving specifically because he attempted to discuss it non-confrontationally, and the DM made it a confrontation. It's clear that the DM is defensive, and doesn't want to listen. This means that he really knows what's wrong, and won't change.

I wouldn't ever communicate with the DM again. There is nothing to be gained except ugly confrontation, outlandish claims, and unfair accusations.