How do I tell a player they're not welcome back?

[Alton_Utrich]

So my current campaign is wrapping up and I'm getting ready for the next one, but I've hit a snag. My current campaign fell on hard times due to long delays mostly due to one player who has a marked tendency of not showing up due to forgetting that he already had a prior engagement at the time of the session or prioritizing something else after he agreed to come and not telling us about it until we text him to find out where he is. He's also usually on his phone when its not his turn and farts constantly during the session. I've asked the rest of the group and everyone is okay with the decision. Does anyone have any advice for how to approach and deal with telling him?

[AMFV]

So my current campaign is wrapping up and I'm getting ready for the next one, but I've hit a snag. My current campaign fell on hard times due to long delays mostly due to one player who has a marked tendency of not showing up due to forgetting that he already had a prior engagement at the time of the session or prioritizing something else after he agreed to come and not telling us about it until we text him to find out where he is. He's also usually on his phone when its not his turn and farts constantly during the session. I've asked the rest of the group and everyone is okay with the decision. Does anyone have any advice for how to approach and deal with telling him?

The best bet is to wait till he's not looking and then stab him repeatedly in the kidneys...

In all seriousness there are probably methods you can go with here.
You can not tell him he's not invited, this one might be hard to maintain if he's a close friend, but is probably more polite if he's an acquaintance, since he won't have to go through the difficulty of figuring out what's going on.

You can politely tell him that his tardiness has been a problem and you're going to have to go a different direction, that's going to cause a lot of problems though and it may be unpleasant.

Really there is no good answer, you just have to go with your gut here. What is your relationship to this person outside of the game, because that will inform how you should treat the scenario.

[Jay R]

When I ask a girl out on a date, I don't call up all the other girls I know and tell them they aren't invited.

When I have a party, I call up the people invited, not the ones who aren't.

Similarly, you're not kicking somebody out of a game. That game died. You're holding a new game. invite the people you want to invite, and don't tell anybody else about it.

[Balain]

I agree with Jay R. You invite the people you want to come. Just don't invite him.

[AMFV]

I agree with Jay R. You invite the people you want to come. Just don't invite him.

Yep, Unless of course he's a close friend and is likely to find out anyways, which would be a problem.

[NikitaDarkstar]

"I'm sorry to say this, but due to your past problems with committing to the game you will not be invited to the next one. While I understand that things come up, and people can have busy lives I can't with good conscience let one persons busy life ruin the fun for the rest of the group. If your schedule clears up in the future, you may be invited to the next campaign I start up, just not this upcoming one."

Keep in mind, you don't necessarily have to mean that last part, it's just politeness, also keep in mind (and if need be if he's a friend) remind him that sometimes campaigns run for years at a time.

[Mr.Sandman]

I can confirm that Jay Rs idea works like a charm. I had problems with one player that caused a game to fall apart, it took half a year for the group to recover, and we just didn't tell him. Sadly we lost another player because of these events, he has sworn never to play again, but the group is much stronger without the troublemaker.

[Kelb_Panthera]

If you must inform him of this decision, my advice can be summed up in three words; polite but firm.

He's given near every sign of having very little interest in the game anyway. Just make it clear that you're asking that he forego this campaign, not because of what you think of him as a person, but because he's made it clear from his behavior that he'd rather do other things anyway. You can still hang out at other times and do other things together, perhaps even as a group, just not this.

If doing this, politely mind, causes him to dump you as a friend then he wasn't a very good friend to begin with and you'll probably be better off without him anyway.

[Mastikator]

Tell him he doesn't have to come if he doesn't truly want to. If he doesn't take the hint then tell him to not come.

[AMFV]

Tell him he doesn't have to come if he doesn't truly want to. If he doesn't take the hint then tell him to not come.

This is probably a bad idea, no offense, but people are really really really bad at taking hints, particularly ones like this, which are basically telling him that he could come, if he wants to come enough. Of course, the player believes that he wants to play enough, or doesn't think lateness is that serious a problem. In all seriousness some groups are completely fine with people missing sessions or being late.

[ArmoredSandwich]

When I ask a girl out on a date, I don't call up all the other girls I know and tell them they aren't invited.

When I have a party, I call up the people invited, not the ones who aren't.

Similarly, you're not kicking somebody out of a game. That game died. You're holding a new game. invite the people you want to invite, and don't tell anybody else about it.

This will become awkward when the guy asks when the next campaign will start. Of course, the guy seems not very interested so it might never come to that.

Either way, I would just get it over with quickly and tell him something similar to what NikitaDarkstar proposed.

[Airk]

The "easy" way that may come back to haunt you is yeah, start another game without him. But be prepared for a "Hey, why didn't you invite me?" hurt feelings fest later.

The -right- way to do it is pretty much what NikitaDarkstar wrote. "Look; It's clear that you can't be counted on to make it to the game, and it's not fair to the X other people to be constantly cancelling sessions due to your lack of attendance."

You don't have to (or probably want to) bring up this person's odious table habits, but if this is a person who you or any of your players have regular contact with, it's probably better to make a clean break than try to hide the fact that you're gaming without them.

[LibraryOgre]

As others have said, a lot depends on the level of friendship outside of game. If he's a guy who you only see when you game? Simply fail to invite him. If he's someone closer, you may owe him an explanation (i.e. "Dude, you cancel on us at the drop of a hat"), but, yeah, he's obviously putting himself above the group, which means the group is free to ditch him.

[Jay R]

This will become awkward when the guy asks when the next campaign will start.

"Oh, I won't be starting a new casual game for a long time. I'm in a game right now that's just people really focused on the game - no phone use in the middle, showing up every time, that sort of thing. I'll let you know the next time I set up a casual game."

[Lorsa]

If you want to give him a chance to change his behavior, then you should inform him what it is you don't like and give him some time to correct.

If you don't then simply don't invite him. If he asks why you can tell him whatever you feel appropriate, perhaps revert to the age-old "your idea of gaming isn't compatible with the rest of us". Statements like that doesn't say anything about which way is better, just that they don't work together.

[Telonius]

I've had to do this once, though it was actively booting the person out between sessions. (Really unfortunate situation). I just flat-out told the person that they weren't invited to the next session. Polite but firm, as Kelb put it. Laid out the reasons, told him that constantly falling asleep during the session and not respecting everybody else's time was just not going to cut it.

The important thing (at least for me) was to really be sure that I was prepared to be a villain in his life story, and having the guts to stab him in the front. (Not literally, thank goodness; that's LankyBugger's story, not mine). As long as I was okay with that, I was prepared for any hurt feelings.

[tommhans]

Tell him the truth, either buckle up or just don't play. if he doesn't seem interested, does other things instead and as others mention, you have to cancel sessions because of him then it is not worth it. It's simply not acceptable to say you will come only to bail out and not say that your coming.

[valadil]

Alton_Utrich: Everyone playing in my next game, please raise your hand.
*All players raise hands*
Alton_Utrich: Not so fast late_farting_texter_pc!

More seriously I'd vote for just telling him up front that ditching game and getting distracted was obnoxious but acceptable in a casual campaign, but you're doing something more serious where that's not an option. Make sure you wish him the best in his future endeavors.

[Kalmageddon]

Try texting this:
"Dear *insert name here*, last time we played together you constantly failed to show up and when you did show up, you constantly farted.
Please never come back to my gaming table."

This should get the point across tactfully.

[Mono Vertigo]

This is probably a bad idea, no offense, but people are really really really bad at taking hints, particularly ones like this, which are basically telling him that he could come, if he wants to come enough. Of course, the player believes that he wants to play enough, or doesn't think lateness is that serious a problem. In all seriousness some groups are completely fine with people missing sessions or being late.

Seconded. Unless you choose to not invite him and lie by omission, you need to be quite clear on what's wrong. That it's not a personal dislike, that it's not a matter of logistics, it's just a matter of annoying behaviour on his end.

[Delta]

Really there is no good answer, you just have to go with your gut here. What is your relationship to this person outside of the game, because that will inform how you should treat the scenario.

That's really the question. If he isn't really a part of your social circle outside of the game, no reason to tell him, if he is, definitely do tell him something, it will come out sooner or later and it will be awkward.

My tip would be to be honest but not personal, just tell him that he has missed the game too often without giving you any notice, that's a simple, objective fact that is more than enough of a reason, I wouldn't go into his behavior at the table quite as much because in my experience, people really don't like being called out on stuff like that and more importantly, usually have a completely different perception of their own behavior, so this will lead to an argument no one can profit from.

[Frozen_Feet]

Find person X.

Make sure you are face to face with person X. Please check his ears are unplugged, that there is no excess noise in the environment, and wait for him to terminate any phone calls or the like.

Tell him, in any language they surely understand, using clear and calm voice, that they're not welcome back to your game.

There.

[JeenLeen]

I agree with the rest of firm but polite. I'll also add that, if he has a counter-argument, listen. You don't have to be swayed, but let him explain. If he has questions about why he's no longer invited, answer them politely, with evidence if needed.

If he shows a true and earnest desire to change, you could let him on in a trial stay, or not. It's up to you, how well you know him, want to preserve friendship, etc. More likely he may protest but not really want to change, in which case firm but polite. If you are friends outside of game, note that you'd still like to remain friends, just not gaming buddies.

It probably will be hard to do this in any way that is good. But I think it's worth it and treats the player with respect.


(Also, I assume his behavior bothers the other players. I can't imagine such behavior not bothering them... but if everyone else is really cool with him, that makes this trickier.)

[Knaight]

You're starting a new game. Invite the people you want to it, and call it a day. If the player asks why you didn't invite them, tell them it's because they tend to be busy and that didn't work with the rest of the group's schedule.

Then, if you want to do a one shot (maybe in between campaign sessions as a sort of break), invite the player to those.

[TriForce]

Find person X.

Make sure you are face to face with person X. Please check his ears are unplugged, that there is no excess noise in the environment, and wait for him to terminate any phone calls or the like.

Tell him, in any language they surely understand, using clear and calm voice, that they're not welcome back to your game.

There.

to be honest, i kinda agree with this approach.

be polite but clear, give a good explaination but make sure he understands its nothing personal (unless it is! :P )

[ElenionAncalima]

It depends on your relationship with the player.

If he is a an aquaintence who you don't particularly plan on maintaining a friendship with, just don't invite him to the new game.

If he is a friend, explain that you want your new campaign to be more involved and that you don't think his schedule will work with it. Don't make it about him not be right for your new game, make it about your new game not being right for him.

[Dimers]

"Oh, I won't be starting a new casual game for a long time. I'm in a game right now that's just people really focused on the game - no phone use in the middle, showing up every time, that sort of thing. I'll let you know the next time I set up a casual game."

That nails it. It doesn't imply that there's something wrong with Player X for being less serious about the game (and hey, after all it *is* just a game), while still defining clearly that there's a mismatch between what you want and what his actions say he wants.

[Mr Beer]

I second the whole "degree of friendship" thing as a key factor in the decision as to whether to tell them or simply not issue invitations to the brand new game.

Something I don't think has been addressed is whether you've already told him his behaviour isn't working for your group. I know it sounds silly and any adult should be aware that it's a problem but telling someone "I need more commitment to make the game work, if you can't manage that, it's cool but we'll need to part ways" is a reasonable approach. That way they have no comeback when they get uninvited.

EDIT

FWIW I have a habitual no-show and he's one missing session away from simply being removed from my email list. I don't know him outside game so I don't feel the need to track him down for a heart to heart conversation about it.

[Sajiri]

I would just not tell him, but IF he is a friend, or knows of the new campaign and/or is expecting to be invited to the next one, if he finds out he wasnt invited that can be a big kick in the teeth. If it comes to that I'd just tell him he can come if he's going to genuinely put in the time and effort. It sounds like his lack of interest and the farting/phone use is why you don't want him back, rather than just not wanting him around as a person.

If he does really want to come, then hopefully he will improve that behaviour. If he doesn't improve, then you can just ask him to leave, you already gave him a chance to improve and doesnt, there's no reason to feel bad

[SowZ]

I put a hard cap on number of players. I might let a friend of mine or someone else's coming through town guest play for a session, but if my cap is reached that's all she wrote. So, when one campaign ends, if someone hadn't committed to it last time around I'm going to fill that slot with someone else. I don't tell them about unless they ask, though.

I've had people get pissed before. But it is a little hard to argue with a person who just plain cares more and shows up more being granted the slot above someone who shows up half the time.