The Transcription of the Stick

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Grazie, ora c'è (now it's there).

How about making each page interconnected with those in different languages? Like this: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/shows...1&postcount=60

The trick with that is character count. I've crammed enough in the individual entries to not be able to fit much more. However, if a translation connects with the same amount of entries per post, we could line them up in the index!

I also wanted to say how complimented I am by your use of my structure in your project. It could be awesome to have it connect through all the existing projects. I'm going to be involved in assisting with the German translation in terms of organizing, so your translation certainly wouldn't be the only one.

[Apani]

Well, you could sacrifice the duplicate page navigation buttons found at the bottom of each page to gain extra characters. Or is it important?

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Well, you could sacrifice the duplicate page navigation buttons found at the bottom of each page to gain extra characters. Or is it important?

I'll consider it. However, if I have several translation projects on there, it might be worth thinking on the simplest method for navigating between languages and such. I also edited my above post, just as an fyi.

[Apani]

I also wanted to say how complimented I am by your use of my structure in your project. It could be awesome to have it connect through all the existing projects. I'm going to be involved in assisting with the German translation in terms of organizing, so your translation certainly wouldn't be the only one.

Glad to hear this, I'm sure you will work something out.

[ChristianSt]

Well, you could sacrifice the duplicate page navigation buttons found at the bottom of each page to gain extra characters. Or is it important?

It isn't really important, but imo it is a really handy feature: Say you are reading more than one comic transcripts and want to continue to the next post.

Without the bottom link you need to scroll up a (more or less) random amount since there are a bunch of opened spoilers from the strips just read.
With that bottom link, well there is just that bottom link to continue.


Also adding links to other version to those posts also is only really nice if they line up (say you have English strips 240-260. But Italian is 233-250/251-270 and German is 238-249/250-261).
I think if that information is really wanted, the only useful way would be some sort of central table - though I'm not sure how interesting that would be (because it wouldn't be that hard to goe to the translation main page and jump to the wanted posts (if it is set up in a similar way)).

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Alright, I finished going through each page of book two, and corrected a TON of things. From unbolded speakers, to misspelled dialogue, to broken links. Miss labeled people, LOTS of missing sound effects and text identifications, and a variety of other corrections that I can't remember.

Oh! And cutaway/flashback notifications. I may have even missed a few. So watch for those folks! I'm just about ready to release book three, but may have to wait until tomorrow to do so. In the meantime, if someone could test out all the links to book 2 to make sure they lead to the correct page, that would be wonderful. I just want to make sure in my copypasta process I didn't muss things up.

In my corrections, I actually added enough content that was missing for one post to go over the post count, so I had to shift some strips around!

All in all, I think the book (glaring anything I missed, which I am under the assumption I did) is completed! So enjoy book 1 and 2! Please tell me of any other corrections you can give me.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 302 to 322
Book 3: War and Xps
Previous Book | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 302

Show

New Beginnings
Elan, Hinjo, Female Parade-Goer

Elan: Wow! Hinjo, this is SO cool! What's going on???
Hinjo: They're celebrating. Tomorrow is New Year's Day.
Elan: Huh, I thought that was like a few months ago.
Hinjo: Sure, up in the north, but we use a different calendar here.
Elan: Neat! It's like a bonus holiday!
Hinjo: New Year's is a time of renewal and rededication for my people. Some choose to spend the time in quiet meditation, while others prefer to be more jubilant. It is a time for new beginnings and new plotlines. Some of which may not be immediately apparently.
Elan: Let's go party!!
Hinjo: Believe me, I would love nothing more - but I can't. Unfortunately, I'm still the heir to Azure City's throne, which means people know who I am wherever I go. That means that, my personal feelings aside, we have a duty to maintain a certain level of decorum. In particular, it would be quite devastating to my uncle if we were to be connected to anything especially scandalous.
Elan: Wooooooooo! I'm invisible!
Hinjo: So, yeah, sorry we can't check out the party.
Elan: Gosh, don't feel bad, Hinjo. I'm not much for parties anyway.
Female Parade-Goer: Room 115, cutie. Bring a friend.

Spoiler: Strip 303

Show

Phrenology Today
Azurite Doctor, Azurite Doctor's Assistant, Haley

Azurite Doctor: Well, Miss Starshine, we've examined you thoroughly and we have good news and bad news. The good news is that your inability to speak proper Common is not based on brain damage or other injury. You are the picture of perfect health. The bad news is that we therefore have no means to treat you at this time. However, there is still hope. Since Lord Shojo personally asked that we do everything we can to heal you, one of my clerics will spend the next few weeks researching a new clerical spell specifically designed to cure your condition. My assistant here has an alternate theory, however, that may lead to some quicker results.
Azurite Doctor's Assistant: Your phrenology tests indicate a high level of mental stress, specifically in this area.
<card text> Normal. You.
Azurite Doctor's Assistant: <voiceover> That area is closely associated with lies and secrets. A distortion in that area could be related to oyour condition, if you were causing additional mental stress by keeping excessive secrets.
<chart text> Cheese, More Sex, Sex, Cravings, Secrets, Unused 3.0 Rules, Metagaming, Fashion Sense, Guacamole Recipe, Spoilers, All Useful Skills, Puppies
Azurite Doctor's Assistant: Any such secrets or lies might contribute to the swelling, which in turn is feeding your aphasia. There is a theory that if you were truly willing to reveal the truth about any such lies, your condition would reverse itself spontaneously, thus allowing you to speak freely again.
Azurite Doctor: Of course, this theory is moot, as it is highly unlikely that a proper young lady such as yourself would be capable of enough deception to cause this level of stress.
Haley: Frv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv *hpleq* gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv ! Gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv gv <text covered by speech bubble: exact number of gvs unknown>
(H): Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha *snort* ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha <exact number of has unknown>
Azurite Doctor: Patient seems to be suffering from uncontrollable hideous laughter.
<sfx> WHUMP!
Azurite Doctor: And impaired motor skills.

Spoiler: Strip 304

Show

A Leper Can't Change His Spots
Belkar, Female Azurite Partier, Offscreen Singer

Belkar: Just fantastic! This entire uptight city is partying, and I'm stuck with this stupid "Mark of Justice". I've been to every two-bit wizard in this cesspool of virtue and not one of them was willing or able to remove the curse. So now I've got to stay within one mile of Queenhilt and not stab anyone inside a town or city. And what's worse, I have to wear this ridiculous disguise if I want to go anywhere in this town without being arrested. Blue is not my color, people! Can anyone tell me how in the Abyss I'm supposed to have ANY fun under those conditions?? Oooo... Question asked and answered! Hey there, fetching young lady. May I be of any assistance in getting this party started?
Female Azurite Partier: Sure! Wanna dance?
Offscreen Singer: <singing> Tonight we're gonna party like it's 999!
Female Azurite Partier: Giggle! You're so light on your feet!
<sfx> crack! thunk!
Belkar: Leprosy. What?
Female Azurite Partier: EEEEEEEEEK!!!!!
Belkar: Hey, you know, you're no nymph, honey. No, I'm just saying, you might want to consider toning up those arms before you pass judgement on someone else, sister! Prude.

Spoiler: Strip 305

Show

The Epistle of Durkon
Durkon, Roy

Durkon: Hey Roy, lad - I think I've got me letter ta tha High Priest written and ready. Yer good wit words, tho, could ye listen ta it an' tell me what ye think?
(D): Hey Roy, lad - I think I've got my letter to the High Priest written and ready. You're good with words, though, could you listen to it and tell me what you think?
Roy: Absolutely. Go right ahead.
Durkon: First, tha honoriffics: "Praise ta Thor, whose hammer smooshes tha evil o' tha world."
(D): First, the honoriffics: "Praise to Thor, whose hammer smooshes the evil of the world."
Roy: Good start.
Durkon: "Praise tha High Priest o' Thor. May his beard e'er be soaked in ale rather than vomit."
(D): "Praise the High Priest of Thor. May his beard ever be soaked in ale rather than vomit."
Roy: A traditional dwarven blessing, I take it?
Durkon: Aye. "Dear High Priest: " "Thank ye very much fer sendin' me on this fascinatin' mission ta human lands. Just as ye said, I've learn'd much aboot our human friends in me time here." "Since it's bin almost 18 years since ye first sent me away from dwarven lands, tho, I think it might be helpful ta allow me ta come home, s'that I c'n share what I've learn'd wit tha other dwarves." "I'd also like ta see me Ma an' Granpappy, since I was unable ta see 'em before ye sent me away."
(D): Aye. "Dear High Priest: " "Thank you very much for sending me on this fascinating mission to human lands. Just as you said, I've learned much about our human friends in my time here." "Since it's been almost 18 years since you first sent me away from dwarven lands, though, I think it might be helpful to allow me to come home, so that I can share what I've learned with the other dwarves." "I'd also like to see me Ma and Granpappy, since I was unable to see them before you sent me away."
<flashback>
Durkon: <voiceover> "While I'd never question yer worshipfulness's judgm'nt, I imagine that tha manner in which I wuz asked ta leave so sudd'nly might've caused them ta wonder what happen'd ta me fer all these years."
(D): "While I'd never question your worshipfulness's judgment, I imagine that the manner in which I was asked to leave so suddenly might've caused them to wonder what happened to me for all these years."
<end flashback>
Durkon: "Ye can send yer reply ta this mess'nger, who'll bring it back ta me." "Yer servant in the holy name o' Thor, Durkon Thundershield."
(D): "You can send your reply to this messenger, who'll bring it back to me." "Your servant in the holy name of Thor, Durkon Thundershield."
Roy: Sounds good, Durkon. Here, let me check it for spelling.
<letter text> Praise ta Thor, whose hammer smooshes tha evil o' tha world. Praise tha High Priest o' Thor. May his beard e'er be soaked in ale rather than vomit. Aye. Dear High Priest: Thank ye very much fer sendin' me on this fascinatin' mission ta human lands. Just as ye said, I've learn'd much aboot our human friends in me time here. Since it's bin almost 18 years since ye first sent me away from dwarven lands, tho, I think it might be helpful ta allow me ta come home, s'that I c'n share what I've learn'd wit tha other dwarves. I'd also...
Roy: Ummm... You do know that you don't need to transcribe your accent?
Durkon: Transcribe my what, now?
Roy: Never mind.

Spoiler: Strip 306

Show

Power Word: Annoy
Vaarsuvius, Male Azurite Librarian, Female Azurite Librarian

Vaarsuvius: I must thank you again for your kind assistance in scribing these new spells into my spellbook these past few days.
Male Azurite Librarian: It's been our pleasure, Vaarsuvius.
Vaarsuvius: Let us see, I have but eight pages left in my spellbook. I believe it would be most efficient to scribe this spell, Power Word Blind.
Male Azurite Librarian: That spell is 7th level, so it takes up seven pages.
Vaarsuvius: But... the spell is only one word long. It is a Power Word, a single word of such magical potence that its merest utterance unleashes the mightiest of mystical power. It is, by its very definition, a one-word spell.
Male Azurite Librarian: Sorry, it still takes up seven whole pages in your spellbook.
Vaarsuvius: But look, I have just written the word in my spellbook. It does not take up even a full line, much less a page, much less SEVEN!
Male Azurite Librarian: Aw, see, now you're going to have to leave the next six pages blank.
Vaarsuvius: Why? Does it need some alone time? Are we giving the word its personal space? Perhaps we should ask it to discuss its feelings?
Male Azurite Librarian: Hey, don't get mad at me, I don't write the laws of magic, you know!
Vaarsuvius: Obviously not. If you had, there would have been a few hundred blank pages at the end.
Male Azurite Librarian: HEY!
Vaarsuvius: Never mind, I apologize. I will waste the precious space in my main spellbook for this spell and leave the six other pages blank, if only to avoid an unseemly dispute. That still leaves me with one page left upon which to scribe spells. Enough room for a new 1st-level spell, I suppose. Hand me that book behind you, please.
Male Azurite Librarian: Ummmm... You can only scribe one spell per day. You'll have to wait until tomorrow for another.
Vaarsuvius: But it... it was only one... one word... ONE! WORD!
Female Azurite Librarian: Should we tell him about the 350 gp worth of ink he used?
Male Azurite Librarian: No, let him sleep it off.
Vaarsuvius: sob.

Spoiler: Strip 307

Show

Take the Problem By the Hand
Elan, Roy, Hinjo, Durkon

Elan: PUPPETS!!
Roy: And so begins another conversation that will test the encumbrance limit of my sanity.
Elan: Have you guys been around the city? There's people singing and dancing and lighting firecrackers and there are puppets!!
Roy: Yeah, the third time someone vomitted on me in the street, I started to notice something was going on.
Elan: And do you wanna hear the best part?!?
Roy: Well, we were attempting to plan the details of our departure tomorrow morning... but I'm betting your presence will negate rational thought within a 20-foot radius anyway, so sure.
Elan: Tell them what you told me, Hinjo.
Hinjo: My people believe that one of the best ways to reflect on the year behind and the year ahead is by sharing a good meal with family and friends on New Year's Eve. In fact, this-
Elan: In fact, this meal is so important to them that for this one night, every single restaurant in the city is FREE! So I was thinking, I know we wouldn't normally bother, but maybe it would be nice to all go to a nice place and have a big meal together before we leave.
Roy: Hey, you know, that's actually a pretty nice idea.
Elan: Cool! Then why don't we all- Um...Or, uh, maybe Haley and I could eat together? Or something?
Durkon: Tha poor doomed fool.
(D): The poor doomed fool.
Roy: Nice Grapple check on Haley's part, though.
Durkon: Oh, aye.

Spoiler: Strip 308

Show

Sword Envy
Roy, Durkon, Celia

Roy: ... a little heavier than it used to be, but it actually swings easier. I think the blacksmith weighted it to my exact height and... ...still trying to get it to exhibit that energy effect she mentioned, but so far I've... ...which only means that I've managed to-
Durkon: THOR'S TAINT, man, will ye stop swingin' tha sword around?? Geez, you've been goin' on aboot gettin' yer sword back fer tha last half hour! I get it, yer happy!
(D): THOR'S TAINT, man, will you stop swinging that sword around?? Geez, you've been going on about getting your sword back for the last half hour! I get it, you're happy!
Roy: What's so wrong about that?
Durkon: What's wrong is that ye weren't this excited when I turned ye back into a man! It ain't right.
(D): What's wrong is that you weren't this excited when I turned you back into a man! It ain't right.
Roy: Well, I did feel somewhat...diminished...without my sword.
Durkon: Oh fer... Lad, it's just a weapon. Contrary ta popular belief, carryin' a big phallic sword does na actually make ye any more masculine or attractive ta women.
(D): Oh fer... Lad, it's just a weapon. Contrary to popular belief, carrying a big phallic sword does not actually make you any more masculine or attractive to women.
Celia: Hey guys. Roy, do you have a moment? I was wondering, since we're both leaving tomorrow morning, whether you'd like to have dinner with me tonight. I got a reservation for two at one of the nicer places.
Roy: Um, sure.
Celia: OK, then. Meet you here in the lobby in half an hour. Wear something nice.
Durkon and Roy: Naaaaaaah...

Spoiler: Strip 309

Show

My Dinner with Elan
Elan, Haley

Elan: This is neat, having dinner together.
Haley: <thinking> OK, Haley, you can do this. The cleric said that if you were ready to reveal the secret, this stupid speech problem would go away on its own. Time to be a big girl and just do it. Just say, "Elan, I'm in love with you."
Haley: Yrhw, N'u nw rdjy mnck vdg.
(H): Elan, I'm in love with you.
Elan: Oooo! They have calamari!
Haley: <thinking> Darn it! It didn't work! Wait, maybe I wasn't ready, I'll try again.
Elan: Actually, I don't think I like calamari.
Haley: Yrhw, N'u nw rdjy mnck vdg. Lduzrycyrv nw rdjy.
(H): Elan, I'm in love with you. Completely in love.
Elan: I'll get the chicken.
Haley: Rdjy, rdjy, rdjy, rdjy!
(H): Love, love, love, love!
Elan: I think "rdjy" means salad.
Haley: <thinking> Shoot! It's not working! Stupid quack clerics, I should have never- Wait a minute! What if it's a different secret that's causing the problem?
Haley: Uv ehe nb aynwp kyre fhwbdu av hw yjrn enlchcdf.
(H): My dad is being held ransom by an evil dictator.
Elan: Look, the salt and pepper shakers are fighting!
Haley: <thinking> Darn!! How am I supposed to know which secret is causing the problem? They couldn't have narrowed it down a little for me?
Elan: Pow! Bam!
Haley: N lkyhc hc bdrnchnfy. N khjy h chccdd vdg'jy wyjyf byyw. N tnbbye h pnfr dwly. DT, DT, udfy ckhw dwly!
(H): I cheat at solitaire. I have a tattoo you've never seen. I kissed a girl once. OK, OK, more than once!
Haley: <thinking> Geez, we're gonna be here all night at this rate! Oh. Oh, no, it couldn't be THAT, could it? Even V doesn't know that one.
Haley: Yrhw, nc cgfwb dgc N uhv wdc ay yqhlcrv mkhc vdg mdgre lhrr-
(H): Elan, it turns out I may not be exactly what you would call-
Elan: Don't you think our waitress is pretty, Haley?
Haley: <thinking> I wonder if having the urge to plunge my chopsticks into my brain constitutes a secret?
Elan: Can I have your croutons?

Spoiler: Strip 310

Show

Advanced Dates & Dinners
Celia, Roy

Celia: Ha, see? I knew you'd clean up well.
Roy: Cool, I was beginning to think- Whoa.
<sfx> twirl!
Celia Do you like it?
Roy: Celia, I think your dress is forcing a Will saving throw.
Celia: Oh? To avoid being Charmed?
Roy: To avoid being Feebleminded.
Celia: Ha ha ha! Well thank you. I spend so many days wearing a suit now, it feels good to be able to dress like a woman once in a while. Say what you will about Dorukan as an employer, but at least he had a lax dress code. Also, very good life insurance, though in retrospect that maybe should have been a warning sign.
Roy: So I have to say, your dinner invitation took me completely by surprise.
Celia: Oh really? Failed your Spot check against my cunning ambush, did we? Does that mean I get a partial action at the start of the date while you're still flatfooted?
Roy: Absolutely.
Celia Well in that case... I initiate a Grapple attempt!
Roy: Oh no! I appear to have rolled a natural "1" on my Grapple check!
Celia: Ha ha ha!
Roy: Looks like this could be the end for our hero, folks!
Celia: You better be careful about those grapple checks, Roy... Fail enough of them and you may end up Pinned...

Spoiler: Strip 311

Show

Internal Dialogue
Elan, Haley, Haley's Self-Loathing

Elan: And then, Sir Francois and I decided to track the troll back to its lair...
Haley: <thinking> Well THIS sure isn't turning out the way I had hoped for.
Haley's Self-Loathing: Yeah, seriously, this is the dullest excuse for a date since you went out with Darren Leafsword back in 8th grade.
Haley: <thinking> What the hell??
Haley's Self-Loathing: Oh, me? I'm just the imaginary personification of your self-loathing. Don't worry, I'm not actually here, this is all in your head. Now scooch over a little.
Haley: You look like I did as a teenager.
Haley's Self-Loathing: How else would you expect you self-loathing to look?
Haley: Good point. So, I guess this clinches the "brain damage" theory?
Haley's Self-Loathing: No, you're imagining this conversation because you need someone to point out why you're screwing this up.
Haley: Hey, I TRIED to tell Elan my secrets! It didn't work!
Haley's Self-Loathing: Oh really? You tried?
Haley Yes! It was still gibberish!
Haley's Self-Loathing: Maybe it was gibberish because on some level, you KNEW he wouldn't understand what you were saying, so you were safe from actually telling him anything. Did you try grabbing him and kissing him? ecause I'm pretty sure that would get the message across, even to Elan.
Haley: Well, uh... no.
Haley's Self-Loathing: Haley Starshine, you are far too smart to indulge in that kind of sophistry.
Haley: I don't think I knew what "sophistry" meant when I was 15.
Haley's Self-Loathing: You know darn well that you could communicate your intentions to Elan without words. (Though I'm pretty sure your tongue would still be involved.) You don't do it for the same reason you never told him when you COULD speak: Fear. You're afraid to let Elan in, to show him who you are when you're not lying.
Haley: You don't understand!
Haley's Self-Loathing: I'm you, Haley, I understand just fine!
Haley: He wouldn't like me if he knew me! I'm... not good enough.
Haley's Self-Loathing: Hey now, I'm the one who's the personification of self-loathing here. Stop muscling in on my territory. Besides, you don't know-
Haley: Yes I do!! Everyone else left! Don't you see, Elan's better than they were, and they all left!
Haley's Self-Loathing: Just like Mom left?
Haley: And Kyran. And Rachel, and... all the others. Everyone good and pure who gets close to me eventually leaves. I'm... not good enough.
Haley's Self-Loathing: So you hide behind secrets and lies, believing that if no one ever knows your heart, no one can really hurt you.
Haley: ... It's worked so far.
Haley's Self-Loathing: Yeah, it's shaping up nicely for you. Face it, Haley: You are never going to get your speech back until you stop hiding!
Haley: But I'm a rogue...
Haley: <thinking> ...Hiding is my best skill.

Spoiler: Strip 312

Show

Where the Buffalo Wings Roam
Azurite Waiter, Belkar, Durkon, Vaarsiuvius, Azurite Ninja Waitress, Harold, Harold's Spouse

Azurite Waiter: Hi! Welcome to T.G.I. Wednesday's!
Belkar: So tell me: if every restaurant in town is free......how come we ended up in a dump like this?
Durkon: Tha reservations fer tha good places fill up back in summer.
(D): The reservations for the good places fill up back in summer.
Vaarsiuvius: Further, all of the party members with any Charisma are-
<sfx> pop!
Azurite Ninja Waitress: Is everything OK here?
Vaarsiuvius: Gah! How in the Nine Hells do waitresses always manage to surprise you while eating like that??
Azurite Ninja Waitress: Oh, I'm using the money from this job to put myself through Ninja School. Anyway, are you enjoying your meal?
Belkar: No, no I am not. And I will tell you why. I ordered buffalo wings from your menu. These appear to be tiny chicken legs in hot sauce.
Azurite Ninja Waitress: OK, so what's the problem?
Belkar The problem is I ordered BUFFALO, not CHICKEN!!
Durkon: Nice dodge.
Azurite Ninja Waitress: Ninja.
Belkar: Now get your bulbous human ass back in that kitchen and get me some actual wings from an actual buffalo!
Azurite Ninja Waitress: But buffalos don't have-
Belkar: NOW!
Durkon: Ye know, Belkar, thar was no need ta be so rude ta her.
(D) You know, Belkar, there was no need to be so rude to her.
Vaarsiuvius: Indeed, she is merely a food delivery technician, she has little control over the menu.
Belkar: Bah. Look, if they can't get actual buffalo wings, why the heck are they on the menu? I'm doing them a service. It's not my fault my mouth waters at the thought of biting into juicy, delicious, nonexistent appendages of an endangered species.
Harold: Oh, that is IT! I am going over there!
Harold's Spouse: Calm down, Harold, we're supposed to be having a nice dinner.

Spoiler: Strip 313

Show

Words Fail
<this strip has no written or spoken words>

Spoiler: Strip 314

Show

Strip 314: Goth Advice
Haley's Self-Loathing, Haley, Elan

Haley's Self-Loathing: OK, I can't take this anymore! If you don't have a plan, it looks like I'll need to come up with one for you.
Haley: You're the personification of my self-loathing, not my cleverness.
Haley's Self-Loathing: Desperate times, girl.
Elan: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Haley's Self-Loathing: I live right next to the part of your brain that comes up with snippy insults, and if we don't get this problem fixed she is going to keep bugging the crap out of me. Apparently, she has a few dozen real zingers for Belkar that she's worried will never see the light of day.
Elan: ...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Haley's Self-Loathing: It's New Year's Eve here, right? And it's almost midnight. So here's the plan. When they count down to the new year, grab him and kiss him when it gets to zero.
Elan: ...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Haley: THAT'S the plan? How is that any different from grabbing him and kissing him right now?
Haley's Self-Loathing: One word: deniability.
Elan: ...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Haley's Self-Loathing: If this works, you'll be cured, right? So if he freaks out or recoils in disgust, you can play it off. Say it was a traditional kiss for New Year's or something. Nothing says you can't go right back to lying after you get your speech back!
Elan: ...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Haley: I don't know... I don't think that's such a good idea.
Haley's Self-Loathing: I don't care. You're gonna suck it up and swallow your character development like an adult already. Maybe this comic can get back to, like, adventuring or something.
Elan: ...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Haley: Maybe we're being too drastic here... Maybe if I drop enough hints, Elan will figure it out on his own.
Haley's Self-Loathing: Are you kidding me? "Figure it out"?
Elan: ...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Haley's Self-Loathing: Haley, we're talking about the man who decided to say the word "blah" 497 times in a row, just because it had never been done before!
Haley: ...It could happen.
Elan: ...blah blah BLAH! Yes! A new world record!

Spoiler: Strip 315

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On Sylph's Wings
Celia, Roy, Moth 1, Moth 2

Roy: So then he's got this hand puppet, that he calls, "Banjo the Clown"-
Celia: Because it has a banjo?
Roy: Yeah, exactly. Wait a minute, it's almost midnight.
Celia: Hey, yeah, I forgot. It's so warm here in the south, it doesn't feel like New Year's Eve.
Roy: Do you want to try to get back to the city square? I heard they have fireworks...
Celia: I have a better idea. Close your eyes.
Roy: What?
Celia: Close your eyes, it's a surprise. Closed?
Roy: Yes. Hey, that tickles...
Celia: Shush. OK, you can open them.
Roy: Wow...Thank you. You know, for the first time in- I don't know how long, I feel like a person again, and not just a class/race alignment combo.
Celia: And I feel like more than an entry in a monster book.
Roy: I can see everything from up here! I guess there are some hidden advantages to dating outside my creature type! ... Uh, Celia?
Celia: So... pretty...
<sfx> zzap! zzap! zzap!
Roy: Apparently, there are also some drawbacks.
Moth 1: Ooooo!
Moth 2: Don't go towards the light!

Spoiler: Strip 316

Show

The Moment of Truth
Celia, Roy, Durkon, Belkar, Elan, Haley's Self-Loathing, Haley, Azurite New Years' Partier

Celia: Are you sure we can't stay and look at the shiny light some more?
Roy: Yeah, I'm sure. C'mon, it's time to count down to midnight.
<cutover>
Durkon: Dwarven tradition dictates tha we drink one ale fer each number 'n tha countdown.
(D): Dwarven tradition dictates that we drink one ale for each number in the countdown.
Belkar: This is a New Year's tradition?
Durkon: Na, pretty much whene'er anyone counts.
(D): Nah, pretty much whenever anyone counts.
Belkar: Nice.
<cutover>
Elan: TEN!
Haley's Self-Loathing: OK, here we go, girl. Count from ten and then kiss him.
<cutover>
Celia: Ooo! I love this part. NINE!
Roy: Hahaha!
<cutover>
Durkon and Belkar: EIGHT!
Vaarsuvius: Hrmmph. This certainly promises to spiral out of control.
<cutover>
Elan: SEVEN!
Haley: But I'm... I'm not good enough for-
Haley's Self-Loathing: Don't you wuss out on me! Kiss him!
<cutover>
Celia and Roy: SIX!
<cutover>
Belkar: SEV- uh- FIVE!
<cutover>
Elan: FOUR!
Haley's Self-Loathing: Do it!
<cutover>
Roy and Celia: <whispering> Three.
<cutover>
Durkon: Lad, I think maybe ye better slow down...
(D): Lad, I think maybe you better slow down...
Belkar: TWO!
<cutover>
Elan: ONE!
Haley's Self-Loathing: DO IT!
Elan: Haley?
Azurite New Years' Partier: Happy New Year, cutie!
Elan: Mmmph!
Haley: Dxyye Mwp Ewxk.
(H): Happy New Year.

Spoiler: Strip 317

Show

The Best Part of Waking Up
Rooster, Rooster's Stepson, Belkar, Azurite Innkeeper, Durkon, Vaarsuvius

Rooster: ****-a-doodle-doo!
Rooster's Stepson: You're such a sell-out.
<cutaway>
Belkar: Uhhhhh... Geez, they can research 9th level spells that stop time, but they can't put a dimmer switch on the sun? I'd settle for a few castings of Summon Coffee VII. Maximized. I guess I'll settle for whatever this inn's got. What a headache... This must be what Elan feels like when he tries to do subtraction. Coffee...
Azurite Inkeeper: I could have sworn he was taller when he checked in.
Belkar: Can't talk...Coffee...Pfffffw! Gah! Oh, gods, what the hell kind of crappy coffee is this??
<can text> Explosive Runes™ brand Coffee "Good to the last boom!"
<sfx> BOOM!
Durkon: Filterin' tha coffee wit Roy's sweat socks was a nice touch.
(D): Filtering the coffee with Roy's sweat socks was a nice touch.
Vaarsuvius: I pride myself on attention to detail.

Spoiler: Strip 318

Show

The Move Action of Shame
Roy, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Elan, Celia

Roy: OK, great, so we're all here to discuss- wait, where's Belkar? He should-
<sfx> BOOM!
Vaarsuvius: Based on the proximity of that explosion, I would say he's on his way presently.
Durkon: *snicker*
Roy: OK, well, I'm not waiting. It's not like he'll pay attention anyway. As you know, Lord Shojo has "hired" us to investigate the two gates remaining that seal in the big scribble monster or whatever. Shojo has given me a vague idea of where they are: one is in a desert on the western continent, while the other is in the far north in the tundra somewhere.
Elan: Neat! Which one are we trying first?
Roy: Good question, Elan. The answer is: neither.
Elan: There's a gate at Neither, too??
Roy: The fact is that it took us weeks of hard adventuring to even be sure that Xykon was AT the Dungeon of Dorukan. If we pick the wrong dungeon, Xykon is more likely to complete whatever his dumb plan is before we can find him. Therefore, we're headed to the Sunken Valley, a few days from here.
Elan: Huh??
Durkon: Ach, not THA agin!
(D): Ach, not THAT again!
Elan: Huh??
Durkon: Thar's an Oracle thar. We visited 'im right before we hired tha lot o' you. It's how Roy knew where ta find Xykon.
(D): There's an Oracle there. We visited him right before we hired the lot of you. It's how Roy knew where to find Xykon.
Roy: Which means he's got a 100% accuracy rating as far as I'm concerned. We head to the Oracle, and he tells us where Xykon is. Then we pop back here and mooch a Teleport off of Shojo. The upshot is that we have a better chance of getting to the right dungeon faster. Now, if you've got anything left to do in this city, get your asses out there and do it! We're leaving in one hour, so HUSTLE, people, HUSTLE!
Vaarsuvius: An hour? But I still have reagents to purchase!
Durkon: Ach, an' I have to bring my letter to the castle...
(D): Ach, and I have to bring my letter to the castle...
Roy: <whispering> Pssst! The coast is clear.
Celia: I told you we should have used MY place!
Roy: Just be happy none of them have Spot checks that are worth a damn.

Spoiler: Strip 319

Show

Healthier Living Through Repression
Haley's Self-Loathing, Haley, Haley's Self-Reliance, Haley's Optimism, Haley's Sick of All This Emo Crap Alter Ego

Haley's Self-Loathing: You suck. You must know that, right? You're a pathetic, spineless wuss who- even after I hand you the perfect solution on a silver platter- doesn't have the guts to act on it. How long before you get off your fat ass and resolve this subplot?
Haley: Oh, I got your resolution right here. See, I had time to think about this some more last night, and I've decided that I need to change my perspective.
Haley's Self-Loathing: Ah, my old foes. Haley's self-reliance.
Haley’s Self-Reliance: Darn straight.
Haley's Self-Loathing: Haley's optimism.
Haley's Optimism: Tee hee!
Haley's Self-Loathing: And... hmm, I don't think I know you.
Haley's Sick of All This Emo Crap Alter Ego: I'm the part of Haley's brain that is sick of all this emo crap and wants to get back to comedy. (I'm new.)
Haley’s Self-Reliance: Haley will undo the speech thing in her own time, in her own way- not by listening to your dubious advice.
Haley's Optimism: Yeah! And it will all work out OK in the end, I'm just sure of it.
Haley's Sick of All This Emo Crap Alter Ego: And either way, there's a time and place for wallowing in self-pity, and now? Now isn't it. There's too much fun stuff left to do in the world. Time to move on.
Haley: In other words, it's time for me to get over myself- which means it's time for you to go.
Haley's Self-Loathing: Bring it on, imaginary bitches!
<sfx> pow!
Haley's Self-Loathing: He'll never love you! You need me to tell you the truth! You're not really that smart! Maybe your thighs really DO look fat! This is just another type of hiding!
<sfx> poof!
Haley's Sick of All This Emo Crap Alter Ego: So... are we getting a punchline, or what?
Haley: Next comic! Geez!

Spoiler: Strip 320

Show

Bing Crosby's Got Nothing On Us
Celia, Roy, Belkar, Durkon, Haley, Elan, Azurite Gate Guard

Celia: ...and if you really need help, you can break it and it will summon me to you.
Roy: Oh, so it's a-
Celia: It is NOT a Booty Talisman. So barring an ACTUAL emergency, I'll see you at Winter Break.
Roy: Hey, unless I finish up with this "save the world" thing first, in which case I might just surprise you.
Celia: You know, tradition dictates that the guy who saves the world gets the girl.
Roy: Well, I am Lawful, I guess I will have to abide by that tradition. What the hell is wrong with you??
Belkar Me? Nothing. I'm just seething with a barely-restrained fury, that's all.
Roy: Ooookay. I'm sure there's a really funny story there, but I'm going to consciously choose not to worry about it right now.
Durkon: Prob'bly wise.
(D): Probably wise.
Roy: OK, gang, gather around. Did everyone remember to stock up on supplies?
Elan: Yes.
Haley: Xqp.
(H): Yes.
Belkar: Yes.
Durkon: Aye.
Vaarsuvius: Yes.
Roy: Did everyone remember to use the bathroom?
Elan: Yes.
Haley: Xqp.
(H): Yes.
Belkar: Yes.
Durkon: Aye.
Vaarsuvius: Yes.
Roy: Elan? Because I don't want to have to stop until-
Elan: I said, "yes"!
Roy: Then I think we're ready to leave. Goodbye, Azure City. No more waiting! Next stop: the road to Adventure! *sigh*
Azurite Gate Guard: Did anyone other than you pack your Handy Hoversack?
<sign text> GATE 6 ROAD TO ADVENTURE
<sign text> GATE 5 ROAD TO MOROCCO
<sign text> GATE 7 ROAD TO PERDITION
<sign text> PLEASE GET HAND STAMPED FOR RE-ENTRY

Spoiler: Strip 321

Show

Q & A
Roy, Elan, Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Roy: Any questions on what this little quest is going to entail?
Elan: I have a question.
Belkar: Me too.
Roy: Belkar.
Belkar: Are there gonna be any monsters?? I could really go for killing something painfully.
Roy: There will be three trials: a Test of the Body, a Test of the Mind, and a Test of the Heart. Any or all might have monsters.
Belkar: What, like, "Answer me these questions three?"
Roy: Well, probably more original than that, but yes. Any other questions?
Elan: Pick me! Me!
Roy: Vaarsuvius?
Vaarsuvius: How difficult should be expect these tasks to ultimately be?
Roy: Tough to say; Durkon and I defeated them on our own, but I'm sure he's changed them by now. Any other questions?
Elan: Ooo! Ooo!
Roy: Anyone at all?
Elan: Me! Me!
Roy: WHAT? What, Elan, what is it? What's your big question?
Elan: Didn't we leave our horses behind at the inn we blew up when Miko captured us?
<sfx> POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!

Spoiler: Strip 322

Show

Maybe the Quailtiger?
Roy, Durkon, Elan, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Owlbear

Roy: Well at least SOMEONE gets to ride.
Durkon: Sorry, lad.
Elan: Hey Roy! Is that one of the tests?
Roy: Considering we're still two days from the entrance of the valley, my gut says, "No." It's probably just a random encounter.
Belkar: Looks like an owlbear. I don't think it's seen us.
Vaarsuvius: Why?
Roy: Why what?
Vaarsuvius: Why would anyone crossbreed a perfectly serviceable bear with an owl?
Roy: Who knows? I mean, no offense, but wizards do some wacky crap from time to time.
Vaarsuvius: But there's no tangible benefit to this pairing. It can't even fly.
Elan: Maybe it's natural? Like, a bear and an owl fell in love?
Belkar: If so, I hope the owl was the male and the bear was the female, rather than the other way around. Ouch.
Vaarsuvius: No, no, it is clearly the result of magic. I simply cannot fathom the intended purpose... a bear is already a dangerous predator; what benefit is there in breeding it with a smaller, weaker, less frightening creature?
Vaarsuvius: <voiceover> What should we expect next? The dreaded bunnywolf? The ferocious penguinlion? Perhaps the terrible ducksnake?
Vaarsuvius: Utterly ridiculous.
Belkar: Now, now. The owlbear has its uses. Watch this. HEY! Wise Mister Owlbear! How many licks does it take to get to the chewy elven center of a Vaarsuvius Pop?
<sfx> shove!
Owlbear: one.

Previous Book | Index | Next Page

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 323 to 343
Book 3: War and Xps
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 323

Show

Don't Make Me Turn This Quest Around
Belkar, Roy, Vaarsuvius

Belkar: Hey Roy, you're gonna leave that owlbear's head lying there? C'mon, man! Give a hoot, don't pollute!
Roy: Don't push it, Belkar. Remember, I still have the command word for your Mark of Justice.
Vaarsuvius: Prestidigitation!
Roy: Right now, I'm having trouble seeing why I shouldn't activate it and leave you writhing on the ground until another owlbear wanders by.
Belkar: You're having trouble seeing- well let me paint you a friggin' picture. That pointy-eared pissbucket has set off 11 Explosive Runes spells on me since I woke up today- and that doesn't count the Fire Trap on the toilet lid. All because he or she or it KNOWS that I can't fight back within the borders of a city, thanks to that stupid Mark of Justice crap.
Durkon: Tha's not why V-
(D): That's not why V-
Vaarsuvius: Silence.
Roy: Is that true, Vaarsuvius? Did you cast Explosive Runes on him?
Vaarsuvius: Technically, I cast Explosive Runes on a series of inanimate objects.
Belkar: Well technically, it was the owlbear that ate you, asshat.
Roy: Damn it! Vaarsuvius, I've told you before, we do NOT blow up other members of the party! And Belkar, I got you out of Shojo's jail on the premise that juvenile crap like this specifically wouldn't happen anymore. I am extremely disappointed in both of you. So I'm calling this thing even, as of right now. No more feud, no more bodily harm. It's over. Do I have your word? It ends here?
Belkar: Yeah.
Vaarsuvius: Affirmative.
Roy: OK then. Maybe we can get on with this adventure like adults. Just for a change of pace.
Belkar: Roy's Spot and Listen checks are too low to watch us all of the time, you androgynous twit.
Vaarsuvius: Your doom shall be swift and silent- like the owl.

Spoiler: Strip 324

Show

Consult Your Doctor Before Reading This Comic
Roy, Sunken Valley Magic Mouth, Elan, Belkar

Roy: Well, this is it, gang: Sunken Valley.
Sunken Valley Magic Mouth: HALT!
Elan: Ooo! A Magic Mouth!
Sunken Valley Magic Mouth: Beware, for the Sunken Valley lies beyond, home to the Oracle of the Sunken Valley
Elan: I wonder why they call the Oracle that...
Sunken Valley Magic Mouth: Only those found worthy may enter and visit the Oracle. Those entering the valley will find themselves subjected to three tests: a Test of the Body, a Test of the Mind, and a Test of the Heart.
Belkar: Roy, do we have to listen to this?
Roy: I don't know, it wasn't here last time.
Sunken Valley Magic Mouth: Each test will gauge whether you are truly capable of handling the revelations the Oracle might make. The Oracle is not responsible for the content of these tests. Tests installed and maintained by QuestGuard®, the land's leader in merit-based security. Keep nosy adventurers out of your remote geographical location with QuestGuard. Call today, and get your privacy back. The Oracle of the Sunken Valley is for entertainment purposes. The Oracle is not liable for any loss or injury that may arise from listening to the Oracle. People visiting the Oracle may experience headaches, dizziness, loss of appetite, dry mouth, memory loss, rickets, or feelings that they are but insignificant motes of dust in an uncaring universe. Check with your cleric prior to visiting the Oracle if you are taking potions of Remove Disease more than once per month. If you are nursing, pregnant, or might become pregnant, you shouldn't visit the Oracle. Erections lasting longer than four hours-
Roy: OK, we're done here.

Spoiler: Strip 325

Show

The Test of the Body
Elan, Roy, Durkon, Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Elan: So when you came here before, what were the Tests like?
Roy: They were... uh... they were... huh. Well that's weird. I don't remember. Hey Durkon, do you remember what the Tests were like last time?
Durkon: Huh? Um... nay, lad. But I rememb'r them bein' tough.
(D): Huh? Um... nay, lad. But I remember them being tough.
Roy: Well, I think we can expect the Test of the Body to be some sort of combat, probably against a really tough monster like a manticore or chimera.
Durkon: We already foughta chimera once, lad.
(D): We already fought a chimera once, lad.
Roy: Oh, right. So Probably not that, then.
Elan: Ooo! I think I know what it might be!
Roy: A hydra?
Elan: Awww, how did you guess?
Roy: Gee, the Oracle must be whispering to me from afar.
Belkar: He doesn't look so tough. I bet I can take him in one round.
Vaarsuvius: Actually, the hydra has superior-
Belkar: Blah blah blah I'm a boring stupid elf blah. Not listening!!
<sfx> schlurkt! POP! POP!
Belkar: That was SO FRIGGIN' COOL!!!
Elan: Do it again! Do it again!
Belkar: Hell yes!
Roy: Proof once again that we are the only adventurers for whom the letters "AD&D" stand for "Attention Deficit Disorder".
<sfx> schlurkt! POP! POP!
Elan: Oooooooo! Ahhhhhh!
Belkar: Now I'm gonna try two at a time!

Spoiler: Strip 326

Show

Getting Ahead in Business
Vaarsuvius, Roy, Elan, Belkar, Goblin Dan

Vaarsuvius: Sir Greenhilt, are you planning on putting a stop to this at all?
Roy: Wait for it...
Elan: Nice backflip, Belkar!
<sfx> :schlurkt! POP! POP!
Vaarsuvius: This is ludicrous! The beast becomes more deadly with each decapitation.
Roy: Wait for it...
Belkar: The quadruple slice!
<sfx> schlurkt! schlurkt! schlurkt! schlurkt! POPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOP!
Vaarsuvius: If you won't do something, then, I shall use my mighty magic to-
Belkar: Look at me- I'm Robespierre!
<sfx> schlurkt! schlurkt! schlurkt! schlurkt! schlurkt! schlurkt! schlurkt! schlurkt! POPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOP!
Roy: NOW!
<sfx> WHUMPH!
Belkar: GAHH!
Roy: You see, hydras can only normally grow twice their starting number of heads before reaching their limit. Once this one got to eleven heads, I figured it would keep on growing them. Eventually, it grew too many heads for its blood supply, and it passed out.
Durkon: Couldn't ye have just've had V blast it?
(D): Couldn't you have just've had V blast it?
Roy: Yeah, but this made for a better story.
Belkar: Marginally.
Elan: What happens to the hydra? It's still alive.
Roy: Who cares? We won, let's get out of here. What possible value is an unconscious hydra, anyway?
Elan: I guess you're right.
<flashforward>
<sign text> Goblin Dan s ALL-U-CAN-EAT HYDRA HEAD BBQ HUT
<sign text> World Famous!
Goblin Dan: ... and THAT'S the story of how I made my first million gold pieces.

Spoiler: Strip 327

Show

The Test of the Mind
Roy, Elan, Red Guy, Green Guy, Vaarsuvius, Belkar, Haley

<sign text> RIGHT
<sign text> LEFT
Roy: Huh, looks like a fork in the road.
Elan: Better than a spoon or knife in the road! Ha ha ha!
Roy: Truly, your wit has never been equaled. Surpassed, often, but never equaled. Hey there! Green guy and red guy! Which of these paths leads to the Oracle?
Red Guy: Left.
Green Guy: No, right.
Red Guy: No, it doesn't.
Green Guy: Oh, you're such a liar!
Red Guy: You're the liar!
Elan: Hey Roy, check out this sign!
<sign text> One of the two paths before you leads to the Oracle; the other leads to certain doom. The guards can tell you which path is safe, but beware! One guard always tells the truth, but the other guard always lies!
Roy: Well I guess that's the last nail in the coffin for the hope that these tests would be even remotely original...
Vaarsuvius: Allow me, Sir Greenhilt. This puzzle provides us with a logical conundrum, the solution to which is not immediately apparent. Thus, it clearly falls to me to deduce an answer to this situation. If we ask the guard who spews only falsehoods, and he gives us a response, we must perforce disregard it. But, with no easy means of ascertaining which guard is the deceitful one, we have but our own mental acuity with which to solve-
<sfx> TWANG! thunk.
Red Guy: AAARGH!! Oh gods! She shot me! You crazy bitch, I can't believe you shot me!
Green Guy: She absolutely did not shoot you, and I completely expected it!
Roy: Well, huh. I guess the red one tells the truth.
Belkar: That was awesome.
Vaarsuvius: You would probably have disassembled Rubik's Cube as well.
Haley: <sfx> thhbbbppt!
Vaarsuvius: Gordium called- they have a knot that you may want to take a look at.
Green Guy: Wow, you didn't screw that up.
Red Guy: Shut up and help me.
Green Guy: Don't bite me.

Spoiler: Strip 328

Show

The Test of the Heart
Elan, Roy, Sunken Valley Doctor, Belkar

Elan: Let's see, we thought our way past the Test of the Body-
Roy: Who is this "we" you're talking about?
Elan: -and we fought our way past the Test of the Mind. I guess that just leaves the Test of the Heart, whatever that is.
Sunken Valley Doctor: Indeed it does, live one! Prepare yourself, seekers, for now we shall truly see from what you are made! The Test of the Heart is nigh! The Test of the Heart will judge whether you are worthy to meet the Oracle and learn your fates! Many embark on this test, but few have what it takes to pass. The truths that are in your heart will be laid bare for all to know! Are you prepared to submit to the Test of the Heart?
Roy: Allow me to consult the Peanut Gallery. You hear the Cryptkeeper knock-off, guys. Are you ready for this?
Elan: No worries, Roy! We're fully prepared to expose our deepest secrets to this undead horror! Right, gang? We have nothing to hide from each other! Aren't our hearts free of all fear and doubt?
Belkar: I doubt that you have two brain cells to rub together- does that count?
Sunken Valley Doctor: Are you ready, then?
Roy: No, but I don't see the passage of time improving the situation.
Sunken Valley Doctor: Very well. Pray to whatever gods you serve that you will be deemed worthy of this rare honor! Find your reserves of courage, warriors, for the Test of the Heart begins - NOW!! Pulse rate is 60... blood pressure is 85 over 60... You pass. NEXT!

Spoiler: Strip 329

Show

The All-Seeing Oracle
Sunken Valley Doctor, Elan, Roy, the Oracle, Belkar

Sunken Valley Doctor: ...so the Oracle says to him, "You're going to have a heart attack right after I finish telling you you're going to have a heart attack."
Elan: I was good!
Sunken Valley Doctor: Sure enough, the guy croaks and the Oracle gets sued by his family members for millions. Hence, the Test of the Heart.
Roy: That's fascinating- really, it is- but now that you've fulfilled your story purpose, I find I have no interest in speaking to you any longer. OK, gang, we've passed the three pointless tests......let's head upstairs and see the- Oracle?!?
The Oracle: Geez, I can peer into the murky depths of the future, and yet I always seem to get interrupted during bath time.
Belkar: A kobold?? The all-seeing Oracle of the Sunken Valley is a friggin' KOBOLD??
The Oracle: A kobold who was about to enjoy a good soak until YOU interrupted, thank you very much.
Belkar: Listen, you scaly little-
Roy: Wait, hold on. Durkon and I have been here before, but we don't remember any kobold.
The Oracle: Well, duh. We cast a memory charm over the whole valley. It makes people forget the details of their visit here. You'll each be allowed one question. Everything else about this trip will fade from your memory.
Roy: Uh...why?
The Oracle: Because I have an unfortunate tendency to ramble on a bit, and if I happen to let slip that, say, the halfling shouldn't bother funding his IRA, I don't want it to influence anything.
Roy: Did... did you just imply that Belkar isn't going to live to see old age??
The Oracle: Well, I'm just thinking he should savor his next birthday cake. 'Nuff said.
Belkar: That's it!
Roy: But wait, I distinctly remember getting answers to 3 questions last time, and there were only two of us.
The Oracle: Yeah, I remember you... You were... persuasive.
<flashback>
The Oracle: OK! OK! You can have a third question!
<end flashback>
Belkar: So, you're saying threats of physical violence will yield additional information? Someone take notes, he's about to dictate the Encyclopedia Belkarrica!
The Oracle: Hurt me if you must, but let the duckie go.

Spoiler: Strip 330

Show

Paid in Full
Roy, Belkar, the Oracle, Haley, Durkon, Elan

Roy: Back off, Belkar. As long as he keeps his end of the bargain, we won't be asking for more questions.
Belkar: Great! Why does everyone else get to dangle kobolds out of windows and I don't??
Roy: Of course if he decides to be a wiseass with one of his answers, like he was before...
The Oracle: Hey, "In his throne room," was a perfectly legitimate answer to the question, "Where is Xykon?"
Haley: R fjwhh qdwow'h mx axrmq rm vw bhzrmf b ejwhqrxm.
(H): I guess there's no point in me asking a question.
The Oracle: Of course there's a point to you asking a question.
Haley: Pxj ibm jmuwohqbmu vw?
(H): You can understand me?
The Oracle: No, I can't understand you, but I can look forward into the future to the point where this particular strip is compiled into a book and just read the translation.
Haley: Djd?
(H): Huh?
The Oracle: Now, let's talk payment. I don't do this for free, you know, I've still got to eat.
Belkar: Have you ever considered eating your own lungs? I can show you how to prepare them if you'd like.
Durkon: Ye know, ye could just use yer powers o' precognition to make yerself a fortune.
(D): You know, you could just use your powers of precognition to make yourself a fortune.
The Oracle: I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I am doing. I get paid a bundle to sit here all day with all of the answers and watch as groups of clueless rubes stumble to figure out what are the right questions to ask me to fix their pathetic little lives. I'm like a reptilian Alex Trebek. Now c'mon, I haven't got all day, and the two of you are running late for a pair of family reunions. So how are you paying?
<sign text> We accept:

• Cash (no electrum)
• Immortal souls
• Magic beans
• Your voice

Absolutely NO personal checks or credit cards!
Roy: No checks? But you can see the future, wouldn't you know in advance whether or not our checks were any good?
The Oracle: Yes, which is exactly why I'm not accepting them. I've seen your futures, I'll take guaranteed payment up front, thanks.
Roy: So you're saying what, that we rolled a 1 on our Credit Check?
Elan: Couldn't we just take 10?
The Oracle: No, dealing with credit agencies always counts as being "threatened".

Spoiler: Strip 331

Show

Strip 331: For the Future
Roy, the Oracle, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Haley, Elan, Xykon, Hobgoblin Bluecloak, Redcloak, Monster in the Dark, Blackwing

Roy: OK, so if we each pay the fee-
The Oracle: Bupbupbupbupbupbupbup! Enough foreplay, let's get this party started. Lights! I will now go into the oracular trance from which I shall answer your questions. Don't forget, these answers will be all that you remember of your visit here. Actually, I guess you WILL forget, so never mind.
Roy: Great, more dramatic lighting.
Elan: Shhh!
The Oracle: Oh great five-headed Mistress of Dragons! Hear your servant and grant me the power to see the future for these poor sad pathetic lonely unclean annoying disgustingly-hairy mouth-breathing ape-people.
Roy: That list of insults was strictly necessary, I presume.
The Oracle: Well, the spell DOES require me to identify the recipients unambiguously. Now, don't be shy, deposit your payment and ask your questions.
Durkon: Guess I'll be goin' first, then. How will I finally be returnin' ta me beloved dwarven homelands?
(D): Guess I'll be going first, then. How will I finally be returning to my beloved dwarven homelands?
The Oracle: Posthumously.
Vaarsuvius: How will I achieve complete and total ultimate arcane power?
The Oracle: By saying the right four words to the right being at the right time for all the wrong reasons.
Haley: Bfqe zqp M rt et fjketfj wi kljjzf?
(H): What can I do to restore my speech?
The Oracle: When the gift horse comes, don't look it in the mouth.
Elan: Will this story have a happy ending?
The Oracle: Yes- for you, at least.
Belkar Do I get to cause the death of any of the following: Miko, Miko's stupid horse, Roy, Vaarsuvius, or you?
The Oracle: Yes.
Belkar: Sweet! Which one?
The Oracle: Next!
Roy: There are two magical gates that Xykon might try to control next: Girard's Gate, on the western continent, or Kraagor's Gate, near the northern polar cap.
The Oracle: Is there a question-
Roy: If the lich sorcerer commonly referred to as "Xykon" will ever be, at some future point in time, within a 1000-foot radius of one of these two magical gates, of which of those locations will he be within said radius first, chronologically?
The Oracle: ... That, uh... that's your question?
Roy: Yes.
<cutaway>
Xykon: To Azure City!
<cutback>
The Oracle: You're sure? You wouldn't rather ask something a bit-
Roy: I'm sure. I worked it out specifically so that you couldn't twist the answer.
<cutaway>
Hobgoblin Cleric: You heard Xykon, the lich sorcerer! To Azure City!
<cutback>
The Oracle: OK, but I'm just saying, wouldn't it be easier to just ask, "Which gate is Xykon headed towards next?"
Roy: Are you going to answer the question I asked or not?
<cutaway>
Redcloak Yes indeed, let us go to Azure City, and NOT to either Girard's Gate or Kraagor's Gate, as might be expected!
Monster in the Dark: Wait- what gate?
<cutback>
The Oracle: Fine. But I want it on the record that it is not my fault if the plot sequence gets screwed up. Of those two given locations, Xykon will be within 1000 feet of Girard's Gate first.
Roy: HA! Once again, careful planning and deliberate thinking win the day.
The Oracle: Yes, you've certainly managed to cunningly outsmart yourself at the very least.
Blackwing: Caw caw caw caw, caw caw caw?
The Oracle: Try ginkgo bilboa.

Spoiler: Strip 332

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The Ephemerality of Memory
The Oracle, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Elan, Belkar

The Oracle: I have your money, so leave already.
Roy: Geez, nice customer service.
The Oracle: Customer service is based on the assumption of WANTING people to return.
Roy: Well anyway, we got our answer: Girard's Gate, on the western continent!
Vaarsuvius: Victory is within our grasp.
Elan: Xykon, here we come!
Belkar: Dorks.
Roy: Now that we know which of the two gates he's-
Elan: Three.
Roy: What?
Elan: You said two gates, but you meant three. There are three gates left. Don't feel too bad, Roy, that whole "counting" thing gets me confused sometimes, too.
Roy: ...Crap. CRAP!! Don't you see? I worded my question in such a way as to eliminate Azure City as a possible target! That's what the little orange runt was trying to hint at the whole time! I'm such a fool!!!
Vaarsuvius: Sir Greenhilt, Xykon is unlikely to assault a city under the protection of hundreds of paladins and a full standing army.
Roy: True, but what if he has a way to sneak in? We have no idea what sort of defenses they have. We need to go back! We need to ask the-
<sign text> You are now leaving SUNKEN VALLEY Don't come again.
Roy: Huh. What was I just talking about again? I think it was important.
Vaarsuvius: I am... uncertain.
Elan: Beats me.
Belkar: Ffft. Like I listen.
Roy: Well anyway, we got our answer: Girard's Gate, on the western continent!
Vaarsuvius: Victory is within our grasp.
Elan: Xykon, here we come!
Belkar: Dorks.

Spoiler: Strip 333

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The Bright Side
Elan, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Roy, Durkon

Elan: I think she was a girl. You know, in stories, Oracles are always female.
Belkar: No, no, no, the Oracle was a man.
Vaarsuvius: I fail to see what difference it makes.
Roy: Hey, uh, if the blind men could stop describing the elephant for a moment? Let's make camp. We can still be back at Azure City by tomorrow night. Then it's off to Girard's Gate to stop Xykon.
Belkar: And another thing, where did you get the idea that he was a human? He was clearly a halfling.
Elan: Nuh uh! I remember her clearly, she was blonde and pretty, just like my Mommy.
Vaarsuvius: Fascinating, I distinctly remember an aged elf with a blindfold...
Roy: Hey Durkon, can you believe they're arguing over what the Oracle looked like, just like we- Oh! uh, sorry, I... I'm sorry. I guess the Oracle's answer to your question was... uh... I'm sorry, I didn't know you were - laughing???
Durkon: I get ta go home!! Home, home, home, home! Durkon gets ta go home!
(D): I get to go home!! Home, home, home, home! Durkon gets to go home!
Roy: Oooookay. Durkon, you do know what the word, "posthumously" means in Common, right? Because it doesn't mean, "After something funny".
Durkon: Aye, lad, it means, "after I die". Which means I get ta be buried in me ancestral tomb wit' honor, next ta me pappy, an' me granpappy, an' me great-granpappy, and me-
(D): Aye, lad, it means, "after I die". Which means I get to be buried in my ancestral tomb with honor, next to my father, and my grandfather, and my great-grandfather, and my-
Roy: Yeah, I sense the pattern.
Durkon: All this time, I thought I'd be dyin' out here in human lands and me corpse'd be eaten by some monster. Now I know I'll be brought home, an' sure as Thor don't own shaving cream, I'll be buried with me family. This be all a dwarf like me could want!
(D): All this time, I thought I'd be dying out here in human lands and my corpse'd be eaten by some monster. Now I know I'll be brought home, and sure as Thor don't own shaving cream, I'll be buried with my family. This is all a dwarf like me could want!
Roy: But... you'll still be dead.
Durkon As a doornail! Isn't it glorious?!? Ha ha ha! Home, home, home!
Roy: You are a very strange little bearded man, Durkon.
Durkon: Aye, lad. Aye.

Spoiler: Strip 334

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If You Want Something Done Right
Roy, Elan, Belkar

Roy: C'mon, Elan, time for you to go to bed.
Elan: But I'm waiting for my happy ending!
Roy: Elan, you can't just stand around waiting for that prophecy. You have to go out and make it happen.
Elan: But the Oracle said-
Roy: Yeah, I know, but trust me on this: that happy ending of yours will be a lot more satisfying when you end up earning it on your own.
Belkar: ♪ ♪
<jar label text> Killer Hornets
Belkar: Hey Roy, good advice. It turns out that it actually IS more satisfying to make a prophecy come true yourself!
Roy: You know, that would have been a lot less ominous if he wasn't carrying a stepladder...
Belkar: Oh, and Elan, do me a favor and blow on this whistle really hard in, say, three minutes.
Elan: A whistle! I really DID get a happy ending!!

Spoiler: Strip 335

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A Grand Experiment
Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Belkar

Durkon: Cure Itchy Wounds! Och, I bet ye dinna expect Belkar ta fight back so well, aye?
(D): Cure Itchy Wounds! Och, I bet you didn't expect Belkar to fight back so well, aye?
Vaarsuvius: To the contrary, actually. His responses, while uncomfortable, have been well within predicted parameters for the exercise.
Durkon: "Exercise"?
Vaarsuvius: The correction of a grave miscalculation on my part - the most telling symptom of which was The Unfortunate Event on the eve of the new year- through the application of discrete acts of violence.
Durkon: Oh, ye mean when he kiss-
(D) Oh, you mean when he kiss-
Vaarsuvius: Silence! The subject must not be reminded of The Event, lest it ruin the exercise. And for this reason as well, Sir Greenhilt must regrettably be left unenlightened as to the nature of The Event that transpired. Explaining it would require spreading knowledge of The Event.
Vaarsuvius: <voiceover> For you see, I theorize that the halfling does not possess a true sentient brain, like you or I, but rather a simple lump of nerve tissue that serves as a primitive "proto-brain" that can only process two emotional reactions to people: Hate or Lust.
<sign text> Roy Greenhilt - HATE. Haley Starshine - LUST. Miko Miyazaki - HATE. That BIlbo Tool - HATE. Hermione Granger - LUST. Gerald Ford - HATE. Mrs. Butterworth - LUST. Warwick Davis - HATE.
<flashback>
Vaarsuvius: <voiceover> When I defended the halfling against that paladin in Lord Shojo's throne room, his pre-brain removed me from the list of creatures he hates. But, with no other category in which to classify his feelings toward me, his almost-mind accidentally filed me under "Lust".
<end flashback>
Durkon: Ah! Which led ta tha ki- Ta tha, uh, tha "Event".
(D): Ah! Which led to that ki- To the, uh, the "Event".
Vaarsuvius:[/b] Precisely.
Durkon: So all o' those Explosive Runes-
(D): So all of those Explosive Runes-
Vaarsuvius: -were merely to reassert myself as being hated.
Durkon: Well, I think it sure work'd just fine there. Belkar hates ye more than ever.
(D): Well, I think it sure worked just fine there. Belkar hates you more than ever.
Vaarsuvius: Perhaps, but constant negative reinforcement will be necessary to maintain his pure undiluted hatred. The alternative - a Belkar who lusts after me - is too horrific to contemplate.
Durkon: Amen. So... that explains why ye just Charmed a muskrat inta humpin' Belkar's bare feet.
(D): Amen. So... that explains why you just Charmed a muskrat into humping Belkar's bare feet.
Vaarsuvius: Hmm? Oh, no, that is merely for my personal amusement.
Belkar: What the- Arrgh! Get off! Wild Empathy check! WILD EMPATHY CHECK!

Spoiler: Strip 336

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Bedtime for Elan
Roy, Durkon, Elan, Nale

Roy: Weird. What are the chances that we'd be attacked by hornets and muskrats in the same night?
Durkon: Heh heh, those wacky animals!
Roy: Hornets are vermin, actually. Oh well. Go to bed, guys. I'll stand watch as normal. We'll head out fresh in the morning.
Elan: Roy, can I have a drink of water?
Roy: Huh? Oh, yeah, OK, Elan. There's a waterskin by my bedroll.
Elan: Thank you. Roy, can you fluff my pillow for me? It's suffering from a severe fluff deficiency.
Roy: Ugh, fine. Then go to bed.
Elan: Thank you. Roy! There's a monster under my bed!!
Roy: You're sleeping on the ground, Elan!
Elan: ... It's a subterranean monster. Roy, I'm afraid of the dark. Roy, can you sing me a lullaby? Roy, Banjo won't go to bed until you give him a kiss.
Roy: Grrr! That is IT, Elan! Go to sleep! NOW! If I hear your voice one more time before morning, I am going to lose my last tenuous grip on sanity- and I promise my first official act as a madman will be unpleasant for you!
Nale: Hello, Roy.
Roy: Oh my GODS, I cannot take even one more minute of your voice, Elan! I swear I-

Spoiler: Strip 337

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Brief and to the Point
Roy, Nale, Julia

Roy: Holy crap! Nale!!
Nale: Long time, no see.
Roy: Damn, he's just some sort of mental projection into my brain!
Nale: As you can no doubt tell, I am mentally projecting these words into your brain. So just sit there-
Roy: ...Hello?
Nale: Ah, sorry. I forgot the spell has a limit of 25 words per spell casting. Never mind. Where was I? Oh, right, I was saying- Sorry, ran out of words again. Anyway, I was contacting you so that we might find a way, as fellow strategists, to come to an- DAMN STUPID SPELL! I mean, who can get anything really meaningful said in 25 frickin' words?? I'm going to find whoever designed this spell and-
Roy: ♪
Nale: I've kidnapped your sister and I want to trade her to you in exchange for my brother.
Roy: WHAT??
Nale: OK, that was 17 words, I've got eight-
Roy: Get back here, you cowardly bastard! Show yourself!
Julia: They're forcing me to cast this spell to contact you to prove they've got me alive.
Roy: Julia!
Julia: This is all your fault. I'm telling Dad. Loser.
Nale: Great, so she can avoid getting cut off and I can't? Unbelievable.
Roy: I am so going to kill you for this.
Nale: Bring my brother to Cliffport, to the warehouse on Avenue Street before- Tuesday, or she'll have more in common with poor Yikyik than you'd really probably like.
Roy: Oh, we'll be there, you miserable waste of skin.
Nale: I actually have words left? Then allow me to say-

Spoiler: Strip 338

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Tactical Priorities
Roy, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Belkar

Roy: WAKE UP! Everybody! Wake up!!
Elan: What's going on? Did you need a drink of water?
Roy: I just had a few words with your brother.
Elan: Nale?!? Here???
Roy: No, no, he was using some sort of magic spell to contact me directly. He managed to get himself out of prison somehow and track down my little sister, Julia. He threatened to kill her if I didn't hand over Elan. I need to help her! She might be studying wizardry, but she's only sixteen. She's no match for a killer like Nale.
Elan: We'll help, Roy. She wouldn't be in trouble if Nale wasn't so mad at us for beating him.
Vaarsuvius: I do not wish to be the proverbial pooper of parties, but are we not in the midst of a mission upon which the fate of the world depends?
Roy: I don't think that will be a problem. Shojo's wizards can still teleport us, and Nale gave me a near-exact location in Cliffport where he's holding her. We pop in, kick his ass, rescue Julia, and pop out. It should take, like, an hour, tops.
Vaarsuvius: Very well. One's family must be defended when the need arises. I shall accompany you.
Roy: Thank you.
Belkar: Wait, wait, wait... has anyone stopped to think about this? I know I'm not normally the voice of reason around here, but come on! This is obviously a trap of some sort. We need to know exactly what we are getting into before we leave. There are important tactical issues to consider, after all.
Roy: Hmmm... you're right. Nale is too crafty to not have a plan. What sort of tactical info were you thinking of, Belkar?
Belkar: Well, I think there's one question we need definitively answered before we can even consider this mission: Is your teenaged sister, in fact, a hottie? Smoking or otherwise?
Roy: BELKAR!!
Belkar: What? The Belkster don't have time for the fuglies!
Vaarsuvius: Support for my theory continues to accrue at an alarming rate.

Spoiler: Strip 339

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C.P.P.D. Blues
CPPD Rookie, CPPD Chief, CPPD Sketch Artist

CPPD Rookie:[/b] BLORFFF!!!!
CPPD Chief:[/b] That's it, rookie... get it all out.
<crime scene tape text> Ye Olde Crime Scene - Do Not Crosse
<armor text> CPPD
CPPD Rookie:[/b] Sorry, Chief.
CPPD Chief:[/b] Don't worry about it, kid. It's not your fault. In all my 32 years on the Cliffport Police Department, I've never seen a scene like this. (Not counting the other ones this month, naturally.)
CPPD Rookie:[/b] Gosh willikers, Chief, this makes 15 massacres like this in the last five weeks!
CPPD Chief:[/b] And there's no connection we can find between any of the victims OR any of the locations. The good news is that we've got plenty of witnesses. Whoever they are, they've been darn sloppy. A blonde human with a goatee and a bald half-orc... I have the new sketch artist working on a composite drawing right now. Now that I'm done with my scene-setting plot exposition, let's see how it looks. What've you got for me?
CPPD Sketch Artist: This should be pretty accurate, Chief.
<sketch label text> SUSPECT A SUSPECT B
CPPD Chief:[/b] You're fired. Killers on the loose, rookies to train, and now a talentless hack of a sketch artist who can't draw a face! Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing pixie dust.
CPPD Rookie:[/b] What are these weird bumpy things between their eyes?
CPPD Sketch Artist: Sigh... at least I still have my webcomic.

Spoiler: Strip 340

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You Should Have Seen What He Did With the Corsage
Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Haley, Roy, Azure City Wizard, Elan

<sfx> mmmmm... POP!
Belkar:-just saying that if Ears learned how to cast Teleport already, we wouldn't have had to sweet-talk Shojo into loaning us a wizard.
Vaarsuvius: When I chose Conjuration as my barred school, Teleport was still a Transmutation spell. It is hardly my fault the universal laws have been revised since then!
Haley: Vrqxx rtegqxg abqvo lvqkul hte fx'qx LVKMM jhskeo nrxhu qtmx qxyklkbe wbsxl...Obgl, fx ltns
(H): Three hundred forty strips, and we're STILL making cheap rule revision jokes... Gods, we suck.
Roy: Calm down, both of you. It worked out just fine. I told Shojo we were pursuing a known associate of Xykon's, which is technically true. He doesn't need to know any more than that.
Azure City Wizard: Excuse me, sir, if you're done pretending I can't hear you because I'm a nameless NPC, I'll head off to that tavern there to get utterly drunk in response to my life's apparent meaninglessness.
Roy: Huh? Oh, yeah, whatever, have fun. OK, people, stay sharp. Nale is somewhere in the city. It's a safe bet that the half-orc broke out of prison with him, too. Nale gave me the location of a warehouse for the hostage exchange, so we'll start there.
Belkar: Ah, so your cunning plan is to foil his trap by walking directly into it.
Roy: Sort of, yeah. I intend to smoke Nale out of his hiding place. He's too much of an egomaniac to pass up an opportunity to gloat. If I show up, he'll want to explain exactly how he beat me. Then we beat the crap out of him. I'll go in the front door. V take Durkon, and cover me from the street. Haley, find a rooftop position to snipe from. Elan, hide as best you can.
Belkar: What about me?
Roy: Protect Elan. We know Nale will come after him if he can.
Belkar: I could do that a lot better if this stupid Mark of Justice was lifted.
Roy: I never said it was a perfect plan.
Belkar: Man, this sucks! Once again, I have to sit on the sidelines and watch while everyone else gets all the action! This is just like my high school prom all over again!!
Elan: Awww, do you mean because all the other halflings got the girls?
Belkar: No, I mean because they prevented me from stabbing anyone in the eye then, too. The after-party, on the other hand...

Spoiler: Strip 341

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Setting Up the Board
Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Haley's Self-Loathing, Elan, Belkar, Nale, Thog

Vaarsuvius: Perhaps we should conceal ourselves within the foliage of this municipal park?
Durkon: Nay, I dinnae trust trees so far inta tha city... strikes me as a bit... shady.
(D): Nay, I don't trust trees so far into the city... strikes me as a bit... shady.
Vaarsuvius: Ah. Naturally.
Haley's Self-Loathing: Hey, look at you, Miss Big Shot, covering her fearless leader. Hope you don't need to, like, shout a warning or anything to him.
Elan: I spy with my little eye, something that begins with the letter "I".
Belkar: "Idiot"? "Imbecile"? Maybe "Ignoramus"? Oh, I know, how about, "Incapable of Shutting Up Already and Letting Me Watch Roy Get His Ass Kicked"?
Nale: Ahhh... Greenhilt has arrived. All of my pawns are in place. The game begins at last.
Thog: game? what game? thog likes games! barrel of monkeys? or chutes and ladders?
Nale: Uh, no, Thog, it's-
Thog: ooo! or candy land?? thog loves candy land!
Nale: No, Thog! It's just an expression. We're NOT playing "Candy Land".
Thog: *sigh* Thog fears he will never again know the majesty of the gumdrop mountains.
Nale: Can I get through just ONE foreboding monologue without the half-orc upstaging me? Geez!

Spoiler: Strip 342

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Dangling the Bait
Roy, Julia

Roy: This warehouse is huge... HELLO? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?? MORE TO THE POINT, CAN ANYONE HEAR ME WHO IS CAPABLE OF RESPONDING IN A WAY THAT I, MYSELF, CAN HEAR?
Julia: Mmmph!
Roy: Julia! I'm here now! Where are you, Nale? Show yourself!
Julia: Mmmph!
Roy: You know, you won't get away with kidnapping my sister and her two little school friends!
Julia: Sh'yeah, like I would be friends-
Roy: Just because we haven't seen each other in over three years doesn't mean I won't fight to save her!
Julia: Touching, dork, but you should really look-
Roy: And dressing my baby sister up as some sort of cheap faux-punk whore for your own sick amusement? That's just low, Nale, even for you.
Julia: ...
Roy: Sorry, Julia, what were you about to say?
Julia: Nothing that can't wait a few rounds, Big Brother.

Spoiler: Strip 343

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Served with a Side Order of Whoop-Ass
Julia, Roy, Sabine, Pompey

Julia: Enjoy the trip.
Roy: Huh? That doesn't make any-
<sfx> CRACK!
Roy: GAH!
<sfx> whumpf!
Roy: oof!
<sfx> CRAACK!
Roy: UNGH!
Sabine: Mmmmm... Your life energy has a deep woodsy flavor, with just a hint of sage and no bitter aftertaste.
Roy: AAAAAAAHHH!
Sabine: Four stars! I'll have to recommend dining on you to all my fiendish friends.
Julia: Hey loser! I see you're still leaving your stuff all over the place. Catch!
<sfx> punt!
Roy: Hope you left room for dessert, bitch.
Sabine: Ah, but the main course is just getting started!
Pompey: I don't get it... one second, you're willing to let us kill him for an insult, the next, you're helping him get back in the fight. Sort of inconsistent for Lawful Good, aren't you?
Julia: Uh, hello, Roy's LG, not me. I'm True Neutral. I go both ways.
Pompey: [/b] That is so hot.

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 344 to 367
Book 3: War and Xps
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 344

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A Walk in the Park
Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Leeky Windstaff

Vaarsuvius: No, I understand, I'm simply saying that the architectural motifs found here in the city of Cliffport are inconsistent with the presumed medieval time period.
Durkon: It be magic.
(D): It's magic.
Vaarsuvius: Yes, fine, I grasp the premise that any sufficiently advanced- and, in particular, reliable- magic would be indistinguishable from technology. I merely find the implementation here haphazard, at best.
Durkon: Meh. It could be worse, ye know.
(D): Meh. It could be worse, you know.
Vaarsuvius: Oh?
Durkon: They could have magic trains.
Vaarsuvius: Point taken.
<sfx> CRACK!
Durkon: Did ye hear that? Sounds like trouble in tha warehouse!
(D): Did you hear that? Sounds like trouble in the warehouse!
Vaarsuvius: Now wait, do not jump to conclusions regarding the meaning of any-
<sfx> CRAACK!
Durkon: Thar's another 'un! Roy's in trouble! We're comin', lad!!
(D): There's another one! Roy's in trouble! We're coming, lad!!
Vaarsuvius: Wait! We cannot hope to provide effective countermeasures without more information.
Durkon: Leggo!
(D): Let go!
Vaarsuvius: We shall be little help to Sir Greenhilt if we go barreling in and fall prey to the same exact trap.
Durkon: But tha lad needs us! We gotta-
(D): But the lad needs us! We gotta-
Leeky: ATTENTION MEWLING CITY DWELLERS!
Durkon: Well THAT cannae be a good thing.
(D): Well THAT cannot be a good thing.
Leeky: Gaze in fear as the trees of your much-vaunted "municipal park" angrily awaken to wreak bloody vengeance on you for incarcerating them in a well-mowed prison! The once and future masters of this land walk among you now! Let those who led their dogs to urinate upon them now flee in mortal terror! Crush them, my leafy comrades! Tear down this concrete abomination once and for all! So commands Leeky Windstaff, evil gnome druird! Bwahahaha!
Vaarsuvius: Fascinating. Durkon, I have just now formulated a theory that encompasses both Nale's likely method of engagement and the most suitable response on our part.
Durkon: THA TREES BE ATTACKIN'!! RUN FER YER LIVES!!!
(D): THE TREES ARE ATTACKING!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
Vaarsuvius: Ah, I see you have already grasped the core principles of my theory.

Spoiler: Strip 345

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He Invented the Magic System
Leeky Windstaff, Vaarsuvius

Leeky: The other druids may have kicked me out of their circle... called me mad. MAD! But NOW who is advancing the cause of environmental preservation? Bwahahahaha!
Vaarsuvius: *sigh* I suppose this falls to me, then. While my elven instincts would be to preserve these trees, I must sadly stand against you now in order to protect the lives of my friends. Even now, my arcane power swells, preparing to consume your allies in- FIRE!!
Leeky: Simpleton! Did you actually think I would send my deciduous brothers into battle without first using my druid magic to shield them from flame?
Vaarsuvius: Hmm, yes, I suppose that would be a fairly common precaution. But would you think to guard them from- LIGHTNING!!
Leeky: Now that you mention it... yes. Yes, I would.
Vaarsuvius: I see. You are indeed well-prepared, Mister Windstaff. But could you have predicted that I would be able to invoke- SONIC!!
Leeky: Sonic? SONIC? Curse you, elf, for finding the one energy form that I did not think to ward my children against! Woe to us, for we are defeated this day! Crushed by the... wait. You do realize that you didn't actually cast a spell there? You just shouted the word, "Sonic!" loudly.
Vaarsuvius: I am aware.
Leeky: You did not actually prepare any sonic energy spells today, did you?
Vaarsuvius: Not as such, no.
Leeky: Truly, more wizards have been laid low by the writings of Jack Vance than by any single villain.
Vaarsuvius: On an unrelated note, would you consider a brief pause in the battle? Say, about 8 hours or so?

Spoiler: Strip 346

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Strip 346: Swoop, There It Is
Vaarsuvius, Leeky Windstaff, Flumph, Psychiatrist

Vaarsuvius: Perhaps a different tactic is in order then... Dispel- OOF!
<sfx> WUMPH! fizzle!
Leeky: AARGH!
<sfx> thunk! thunk! thunk!
Leeky: Another would-be defender of this diseased warren of corrupt humans? And a rogue, too, well beyond the range of her Sneak Attack. Foolish girl! I am a druid, I have special abilities that are more powerful than your entire class! Come to me, my animal companion! Stoneskin! Now find the rogue and end her, Kitty.
Vaarsuvius: You named your hawk, "Kitty"?
<cutover>
<sfx> p-ting! p-tang! SLASH! SLASH! thud!
Flumph: ...and ever since then, I've felt like...I don't know, like I'm just a...a minor character in, you know, someone else's story.
<sfx> CRASH!
Flumph: unnh...
Psychiatrist: So when was the last time you experienced this feeling?
Flumph: I see...a bright light. 'M gonna head towards it, kay?

Spoiler: Strip 347

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On the Map
CPPD Chief, Female CPPD Officer, CPPD Rookie, Dark-Skinned CPPD Officer, Blond CPPD Officer

CPPD Chief: Goddamn it, people!
<building text> POLICE
CPPD Chief: The mayor is so anxious for us to close this case, you'd think he put max ranks into Ride (My Ass) skill! I didn't claw my way up through six levels of Warrior to be outsmarted by some lowlife serial killer.
Female CPPD Officer: I've got the report back from the Weapons Lab, Chief.
CPPD Chief: Well praise the gods, a shred of efficiency.
Female CPPD Officer: Looks like the fatal wounds were made by one of two different slashing weapons- one with a base damage of 1d12, the other, 1d8. +3 enhancement bonus on both murder weapons, too.
CPPD Chief: So we've got ourselves a greataxe and what? Battleaxe, longsword, maybe a Small-sized glaive? Go back to teh coroner and try to nail down the crit range on that d8 weapon.
Female CPPD Officer: You got it, Chief!
CPPD Rookie: Chief, I finished plotting the murder locations on a map of the city, and, well, I think you'll want to see this.
CPPD Chief: Great work, rookie! This may be the break we've-
Dark-Skinned CPPD Officer: CHIEF! CHIEF! We're getting a report of spells fired on the east side of the city.
CPPD Chief: Is it at the city park?
Blond CPPD Officer: How did you know?
Dark-Skinned CPPD Officer: Wow, that's amazing!
Blond CPPD Officer: Did you take a level of diviner?
Dark-Skinned CPPD Officer: I think the killer might be trying to tell us something.
Blond CPPD Officer: Yeah, but what?
CPPD Chief: I think the secret message is, "I need to toughen my hiring standards." Now let's move out!

Spoiler: Strip 348

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Someone Was Looking For You
Belkar, Elan, Yokyok

Belkar: I think that I shall never see a beating as lovely as that handed out by a tree.
Elan: V is in trouble! We have to help! I'll sing my bard song.
Belkar: Now hold on there, Sunshine. I've got strict orders to sit tight and keep a close eye on you.
Elan: Since when do you care about what Roy tells us to do?
Belkar: Since following the strict letter of Roy's instructions nets me a front row seat for a rousing game of Whack-A-Wizard without getting me in trouble for it later. Remember, those Linear Guild bozos are after you, not Vaarsuvius. The elf can get him- or herself out of trouble if need be, but you can't. So yeah, we're staying put.
Elan: Hey, I'm capable of getting-
YokYok: Hello. My name is Yokyok. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Elan: Um, I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong person...
Belkar: He's talking to me, idiot.
Elan: Oh! Yeah, OK then. That would make sense.
Belkar: So you want to try to carve off a piece of what took down the old man, huh? Given your parentage, I can't say I'm surprised by your stupidity. Or, at least, not as surprised as I am to learn that Yikyik managed to get laid at least once. C'mon, then. Let's you and me dance.
Elan: <singing> Bluff, bluff, bluff, bluff the revenge-driven kobold into not realizing that you're faking it on account of being under the effects of a magic curse that prevents you from doing lethal damage within a town, city or other urban area!
Belkar: Stupid running gags!
YokYok: Hello. My name is Yokyok. You killed-
Belkar: STOP SAYING THAT!

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Every Couple Has Their Quirks
Roy, Sabine

Roy: How do you like your meal now, bitch??
Sabine: I'm finding it, uh, filling but the portions are too, um... small? Look, can we drop the extended "meal" metaphor? It's getting tired.
Roy: Oh, gods yes. You need to put more ranks in Banter skill anyway.
Sabine: Hey, you know, these wounds actually hurt. I don't suppose that's a starmetal sword there, is it?
Roy: How did you know?
Sabine: Darn it, I knew Nale shouldn't have sent you to Wooden Forest.
Roy: What???
Sabine: Oh, yeah, it turns out that the dwarf blacksmith who told you about the starmetal in the first place? Yeah, that was me, shapeshifted. We were just trying to get you out of the way, though, we didn't think there was really anything there. ARRRGH!!
Roy: WE WASTED 38 STRIPS ON THAT SIDEQUEST!!!
Sabine: I don't know how you did that, but I'll make you pay!
Roy: Actually, I don't either, but it sure was cool...
Sabine: DIe, mortal!
Roy: See, now, that would be a lot more threatening if you were wearing a different outfit.
Sabine: Oh, this? This is for Nale. I couldn't imagine anything he'd find more of a turn-on than the sight of me wringing the life out of you while I wore a sexy schoolgirl costume. What can I say? It's hard, but sometimes, I need to make a sacrifice in order to maintain our love.
Roy: Like dressing up for him?
Sabine: No, I meant a literal sacrifice. I have a desecrated altar waiting for your corpse in the next room. We should get like nine months of evil happiness by eating your heart. Twelve, if you're a virgin.
Roy: You people are sick!
Sabine: Ah, but our relationship is healthy!

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At Least You Get Course Credit
CPPD Rookie, CPPD Chief, Pompey, Julia, CPPD Rookie, Mocha Latté

<armor text> CPPD
CPPD Chief:[/b] Look sharp, people! Somewhere in all this chaos, our serial killers are probably waiting for us. Our top priority, though, is protecting the citizens from those angry trees. So spread out and get anyone you see off the street.
<sfx> WEEEEEoooooWEEEEEoooooWEEEEEoooooWEEEEEoooooWEEEEE oooooWEEEEE
<cut in>
Pompey: Hear that siren, Julia? Sounds like the cops have arrived.
Julia: Wow, turns out that ear isn't just stylish, it's practical.
Pompey: I was beginning to think I wasn't going to get to do anything for this battle, besides cast buff spells on Sabine beforehand. (Which is not to imply that I didn't enjoy casting five spells with a range of Touch on a scantily clad fiend chick, because I did.) I think a few fiendish centipedes should do the trick. Summon Monster II!
<cut out>
<sfx> POP!
CPPD Rookie: Jeepers! Chief! Giant evil bugs!! They're everywhere!
CPPD Chief: Fall back, people! Let the SWAT team handle it!
<armor text> SWAT
<cut in>
Pompey: I'll tell you, Julia, this is the best internship EVER. Our classmates are getting coffee, but me? I get to distract the police and guard the hostage. On the other hand, I bet my peers don't have nearly as much trouble keeping the boss' mocha latté from escaping.
<cut away>
Mocha Latté: FREEDOM!
<sfx> thunk!

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Pop Quiz, Hotshot
Elan, Nale, Haley, Yokyok, Belkar, Roy, Thog

Elan: That's it, I don't care what Roy said, I'm going to help V!
Nale: Or you could stay here and brush up on your Spot checks.
Elan: NALE!!
Nale: Indeed. The general arrives on the field of battle at last.
Elan: What's going on here? Why are you doing this?
Nale: Why don't you tell me? All of the pieces are in play now. Tell me what YOU think I'm going. Tell me what you see.
Elan: All I see is that you're a mean jerk. A jerky jerk. The jerkiest jerk of all.
Nale: Truly, your cunningly crafted retort stings my pride. Now come on, Elan. You must have some shred of intellect in there. You're still related to me after all. Think.
<cutaway>
Nale: <voiceover> Your allies are distracted and scattered.
Haley: Gpmp, Vzrra vzrra vzrra.
(H): Here, Kitty kitty kitty.
<cutaway>
Nale: <voiceover> Your bodyguard has been removed from the area.
YokYok: He was a good father!
Belkar: But he was a better fashion accessory!
YokYok: I'LL KILL YOU!
<cutaway>
Nale: <voiceover> And the only person with the tactical wits to puzzle it out has been isolated.
Roy: Damn it! This would go a lot faster if you would just stand still!
<cutback>
Nale: Think about it, Elan. All of that has led up to...what? What event has all of THIS been orchastrated to bring about?
Elan: Killing my friends?
Nale: I don't give a wererat's ass about your friends.
Elan: You and me...
Nale: Yes...
Elan: ...alone in a secluded alley...
Nale: Yes...
Elan: ...with no one left to interfere?
Nale: YES! Very good, brother! I knew this wan't a wasted effort. You are absolutely correct.
Elan: Hooray!
<sfx> BONK!!
Nale: Well, actually, correct except for the part about us being alone.
Thog: thog make not-nale fall down.
Nale: Bring him. And the knapsack. We need to hurry now.
Thog: yay! time for fun!

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The Turnaround
Julia, Durkon, Leekey

Julia: So long, whatever-the-hell-your-name-was, you asymmetrical runt. Have fun searching the warehouse. Now I just need to find some help that's more competent than Roy... Shouldn't be TOO hard... Hey! You there!
Durkon: ...weathercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweath ercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweather-
Julia: I need help, or the police, or something. I just escaped from, like, the lamest criminals ever. They had me held hostage for weeks in there.
Durkon: ...weathercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweath ercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweather- ...weathercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweath ercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweather-
Julia: Hellooooooo? This is a life or death emergency, Whiskers. Specifically MY life or death. Are you going to stand there muttering to yourself?
Durkon: ...weathercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweath ercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweather-
Julia: Look! Boobs! Don't you like boobs? Don't you want to pay attention to the girl with the boobs? C'mon, this alway works with my teachers...
Durkon: ...weathercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweath ercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweather-
Julia: Fantastic. So I engage in a daring solo escape only to find myself on a rooftop with a catatonic gay dwarf. My life never ceases finding new and exciting ways to disappoint.
Durkon: ...weathercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweath ercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweather- ...weathercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweath ercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweather-
Julia: What's the hell are you saying over and over that's more important than looking at my ta-ta's anyway?
Durkon: ...weathercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweath ercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweather-
<cutaway>
Leekey: Don't worry, my wooden friends! You are well-protected against any lightning attacks! Besides, that bolt struck at least four miles out to sea anyway.
Julia: HOLY CRAP! Did you see-
Durkon: -two Miss'ssippi, three Miss'ssippi, four Miss'ssippi. Now.
(D): -two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi. Now.
<sfx> BOOM!

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If a Druid Falls in the City, Does He Make a Noise?
Thor, Archon, Julia, Durkon, Leeky Windstaff

Thor: BOOYAH! Direct hit!
Archon: Lord Thor, I've been reading the descriptiong of Control Weather...and I'm not sure it can actually DO that.
Thor: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you just there. What did you say again?
Archon: *sigh* I said, "Nice shooting, sir."
Thor: That's what I thought. I'm gonna get tanked and paw sif for a while. Let me know if the dwarf lives or dies.
<cutaway>
Julia: That...that was...incredible!
Durkon: Focus, Julia! Ye haf to follow me back down ta tha street now, double time, else we'll lose what advantage we just got.
(D): Focus, Julia! You have to follow me back down to the street now, double time, or we'll lose what advantage we just got.
Julia: Wait...how do you know my name?
Durkon: I'm here wit yer brother, Roy. Him an' ye haf tha same eyes. And incident'lly, him an' ye an' me will be havin' a conversation when this is over aboot wha is an' wha is not proper behavior fer a young lady o' yer age. Do I make meself clear?
(D): I'm here with your brother, Roy. He and you have the same eyes. And incidentally, him and you and me will be having a conversation when this is over about what is and what is not proper behavior for a young lady of your age. Do I make myself clear?
Julia: ...Yes, sir.
Durkon: Good. Now hurry; tha scroll did tha trick, but methinks it knocked me buddy Vaarsuvius out cold all tha same.
(D): Good. Now hurry; the scroll did the trick, but methinks it knocked my buddy Vaarsuvius out cold all the same.
Leeky: My trees! My beautiful trees! Somebody shall surely pay for this affront to-
<sfx> WHUNK!
Durkon: On yer feet an' face me! Ye may haf tha upper hand in magic, but ther's na way a primary spellcaster like ye can survive in melee combat fer long if'n he hadn't prepared fer it! Ah, right. Druid. Ne'er mind, then.
(D): On your feet and face me! You may have the upper hand in magic, but there's no way a primary spellcaster like you can survive in melee combat for long if he hadn't prepared for it! Ah, right. Druid. Never mind, then.

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Copper Piece Arcade
Julia, Durkon, Pompey, CCPD Chief, CCPD Rookie

<sfx> WHUMF!!
Julia: That looks like it hurt.
Durkon: 'Ere, make yourself useful, lass, an' shove this potion down tha elf's throat.
(D): Here, make yourself useful, lass, and shove this potion down the elf's throat.
Julia: Uh, OK, but...don't you think you'll need it more?
Durkon: I'll wear 'im down. I can still cast all me healin' spells, but he cannae heal 'imself while he's in the shape o' tha dire bear. Well, unless he took the Natural Spell feat.
(D): I'll wear him down. I can still cast all my healing spells, but he can't heal himself while he's in the shape of the dire bear. Well, unless he took the Natural Spell feat.
Julia: Wait, I'm confused- There are druids who DON'T take the Natural Spell feat?
Durkon: Just go! THOR'S MIGHT!
Julia: OK, OK, you can do this, Julia. Just find the elf and give her the potion. Crap, or is it a "him"? He didn't say...
<cutaway>
Pompey: There she is! How did she get out into the battle? If Nale sees her, I'm toast. Summon Monster II! Again! Hell, Summon Monster I, too.
Julia: Ugh, what are those? Giant centipedes? Gross! Suck on force damage, bugs! Magic Missile! Help! I'm out of quarters! I mean, "spells"!
CPPD Chief: Man, that brought back memories.
CPPD Rookie: I don't get.
CPPD Chief:Before your time, kid. Before your time.

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Sore Loser
Julia, Chief, Sabine, Roy

Julia: Two weeks ago, I was kidnapped from my school by a human named Nale and his evil party of adventurers, which included a half-orc, a half-elf, a gnome, a kobold, and either a demon or a devil, I'm not really sure which. They lured my brother - and, apparently, his band of good adventurers - and now they're having a big fight scene. Now can I stop explaining what's going on here and deliver this healing potion?
CPPD Chief: So, the giant bear is...
Julia: Evil.
CPPD Chief: And the giant dwarf is...
Julia: An oxymoron.
CPPD Chief: Cute. So your brother rescued you from these bad guys?
Julia: As if, I escaped on my own.
CPPD Chief: I see. So, then where is your brother right now?
<cutaway>
Sabine: Die, mortal! Can't you see that you're doomed to lose? Uh oh.
Roy: Oh, definately. I mean, unless I manage to wait until all of your enhancement spells wear off. Oh look! They just did.
Sabine: Stupid-one-minute-per-level durations! Whose dumb idea was it to only get an apprentice wizard for the Guild, anyway? OK! OK, I surrender. You're beaten me fair and square.
Roy: Excellent, I'm glad you can see-
Sabine: Which means that I'm all yours now.
Roy: Whoa, what??
Sabine: You've captured me in battle. I belong to you now. You can do anything you want with me. To the victor goes the spoils. And what better way to get back at Nale for kidnapping your baby sister? You can't honestly tell me this didn't cross your mind while we were fighting, can you? I promise: this time, when I manhandle you, it will feel a LOT better.
Roy: Anything I want, you say?
Sabine: Anything.
<sfx> KEEYSH!!! WHURNK!
Roy: Hey, you were right. That DID feel better than before. Nice piercings, though.

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Knight Takes Pawn
Pompey, Roy, Julia, Chief, Sabine (as CPPD Officer)

Pompey: Crush the police, my evil insect minions! Kill them! You know, technically, I'm just an innocent victim here.
Roy: Shut up.
Pompey: Shutting up, yessir.
Roy: Where is she?!?
Pompey: She escaped! She was fighting my summoned monsters.
Roy: Fantastic. I'm sure her keen ability to point out other peoples' shortcomings is serving her well in the heat of battle. Well, while we walk, why don't you explain Nale's grand plan to me, in as excruciating detail as you are capable of remembering. Not that it matters, since it's pretty much been shot to Hades by this point.
Pompey: I don't know! I'm just a lackey!
Roy: What I don't get is why he bothered to kidnap my sister. He didn't even TRY to bargain with me for her life or anything.
Pompey: What part of "lackey" don't you understand? Geez...
Roy: There you are! I've been looking all over for you.
Julia: Want a medal?
Roy: You're the chief of police?
CPPD Chief: At least until the mayor puts my head on a pike for this kind of ruckus in an election year.
Roy: My name is Roy Greenhilt, and I lead an adventuring party named the Order of the Stick. Sorry for the mess around here, but we were attempting to rescure my kid sister there from a kidnapping plot cooked up by the evil twin of one of my colleagues. This little creep was in on it too. He summoned those centipedes that attacked you.
CPPD Chief: Take him back to HQ and throw him in a cell 'til I get back.
Sabine: You got it, Chief.
Chief: We'll hold him while we get the rest of this sorted out.
Roy: I haven't seen the ringleader yet, a male human with blond hair and a goatee, or his half-orc thug, but I managed to knock out his girlfriend, who was also in- Aw crap. Where'd she go??
Sabine: ♪

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Pen Beats Sword
Yokyok, Belkar

Belkar: Bet you a beer that the lightning was good news for my team, bad news for yours!
YokYok: They are not my "team," murderer, merely a means to an end. Your end, to be specific. I would normally never stoop to travel with scoundrels such as the Linear Guild. However, Nale promised to deliver you to my waiting blade without requiring anything of me but the fulfillment of my oath to destroy you.
Belkar: Hold on, does that mean you aren't getting anything from Nale, either?
YokYok: I need no money to kill you, villain! I'm pure righteous justice, here to deliver your rightful punishment at the end of a sword!
Belkar: More plot-critical characters than you have tried and failed. But don't worry your orange little head about it. This will all be over soon. And you just gave me the idea too. HA!
YokYok: Ha?
Belkar: HA!
YokYok: This? This is to what the cold-blooded killer of my father Yikyik has been reduced? Some sort of handwritten note tacked-
<note text> HEROES NEEDED! Kobold menace in midtown Cliffport threatens nearby halfling. Bounty paid: 200gp per kobold head.
<sign text> TAVERN
<sfx> rumblerumblerumblerumbleruml-
YokYok: Oh shi-
Crowd: He's mine! Outta my way! I saw him first! I need the XP!
Belkar: Getting paid to kill things: Cornerstone of the world economy. An extra 50gp to the one who makes him scream the loudest!

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A Taste of Victory
Roy, Chief, Vaarsuvius, Leeky Windstaff, Belkar

Roy: Look officer, I can't spend all day chit-chattin with you. My friend is up there fighting, I don't know, a giant bear or something. Also, there may be other issues that require my immediate attention.
CPPD Chief: I like your proactive management style, kid. Let's go.
Roy: No offense, but you and your men should stay here, away from the battle. These are high-level villains here. Let my people handle this, we're trained professionals. Well, we're semi-trained quasi-professionals, at any rate.
CPPD Chief: All right, Greenhilt, we'll play it your way. Hold position, people.
Roy: Julia, stay with the cops. V, you're with me. Is the bear- Uh, I mean the gnome - part of Nale's crew or not?
Vaarsuvius: Uncertain, but I surmise it to be so. So far, we have encountered no members of Nale's original Linear Guild, merely the gnome druid and his servants.
Roy: I fought Sabine inside, but she seems to have given us the slip. Again. Hey gnome! There are two ways this can go down: The easy way or the hard way.
Leeky: Druids always pick the hard wayl it encourages natural selection.
Roy: Sounds like a plan to me. OK, gang, let's - BELKAR??
<sfx> munch. munch. munch.
Roy: What-what are you doing out here? Where's Elan? Did you leave him alone just so you could what? Get some potato chips.
Belkar: Relax, first, we were attacked by one of Nale's buddies, so I technically was protecting elan. At least, as well as I could with this curse. And second, they're tortilla chips. I also have salsa. Extra chunky, heh heh.

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Roll Over
Roy, Vaarsuvius, Belkar, Leeky Windstaff, Firestorm, Green Lantern, Batman, Durkon

Roy: We need to finish this now. Elan might me in trouble.
Vaarsuvius: Undoubtedly.
Belkar: What, you don't actually think I'd eat this crap, do you? It's just for squicking Roy out. Do me a favor, don't say anything about it.
Leeky: You dare to think you could defeat me? Then feel the raw anger of nature...feel the fury of - FIRE STORM!
<cutaway>
Firestorm: There it is again!
Green Lantern: You're just being paranoid, no one is talking about you.
Batman: Relax, old chum.
<cutback>
Leeky: Hea-
Vaarsuvius: Dispel Magic!
<sfx> fizzle!
Leeky: Blast!
<sfx> twang! schlerkt!
Leekey: AARRGH!
<sfx> WHAP!
Leeky: You subterranean swine, I shall-
Durkon: Stay! Sit!
Leeky: Do not speak to me-
Durkon: Sit. Good boy.

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Hail to the Chief
Female CPPD Officer, Dark-Skinned CPPD Officer, Blond CPPD Officer, Julia, Chief, CPPD Rookie

Female CPPD Officer: That dwarf owned.
Dark-Skinned CPPD Officer: Yeah, he was all, "Thwack!" and the gnome was all, "Gah!"
Blond CPPD Officer: Seriously.
Julia: I, uh, I know him. Kinda.
Female CPPD Officer: Really? That's so cool.
Dark-Skinned CPPD Officer: Let's totally pay attention to you.
Blond CPPD Officer: Seriously.
Julia: Not my usual technique, but...
CPPD Chief: I have NEVER seen so many cops standing around going nothing since that time the Donut Chariot was an hour late! What in the Nine Hells is going on here, people.
Blond CPPD Officer: Chief, the fight's over. THose adventurers beat the druid.
CPPD Chief: Did someone apply the half-moron template to your base creature? We're not here for the druid, chucklehead, we're here for a pair of serial killers. Get your low-level asses out there and canvas the neighborhood!
Dark-Skinned CPPD Officer: The whole neighborhood? That's a lot of canvas...
Blond CPPD Officer: Don't worry, I know a place that sells it by the yard.
CPPD Rookie: Sir, those adventurers might know something about the killings, too.
CPPD Chief: Good thinking, rookie, I agree. Get their attention.
CPPD Rookie: HEY! HEY! Sir, I don't think they're paying attention.
CPPD Chief: 'Course not, we're just lowly NPCs. They're the conquering heroes, no time to listen to us. You get over there and you MAKE them listen. Find out what they know. Don't be afraid to make a few Intimidate checks, you're the law in this town. Take the sister, you might get a circumstance bonus on it.
Julia: Great, so I'm what, a masterwork item now?
CPPD Chief: I swear, if it weren't for the new kid, this whole squad would have the common sense of a medusa checking her make-up. I'm getting too old for-
<sfx> SHUTHUNK!

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Framing the Picture
CPPD Rookie, Nale, Julia, Thog, Haley, Roy, Female CPPD Officer, Blond CPPD Officer, Dark-Skinned CPPD Officer

CPPD Rookie: CHIEF!!
Nale: Oops, I think I was suppost to yell, "Sneak Attack" just there.
<sfx> sklurtch!
Julia: Nale, you Bastard! You didn't need to kill him just to recapture me!
<sfx> disarm!
Nale: I'm happy to see that you are still firmly rooted at the centre of your own personal universe, Julia, but sadly, you are no longer of any use to me.
CPPD Rookie: HEY! You stupid adventurers! Pay attention!
Nale: Thog! Pull me up!
Thog: thog lift with knees, not back.
Haley: Bior pkdt! Hn'g Mdos!
(H): Holy crap! It's Nale!
Rookie: He killed the Chief! Get your crossbows out! Ventilate him!!
Roy: C'mon, gnome, spill the beans. Where is Nale? Where did he take Elan?
Haley: Gnit ohgnsmhme ni riwkgsoa gtsdc aik imps dmj OIIC qbsks H'x GBIINHME!
(H): Stop listening to yourself speak for once and LOOK where I'm SHOOTING!
Nale: AARGH! Damn it! We don't have much time. A minute before the cops find the right room, maybe a few rounds more before Greenhilt shows.
Thog: oooo! head-on-a-stick!
Nale: I'm sorry, old friend. We've been through a lot together, but it's time to let you go now.
<sfx> shnikt!
Nale: Hand me the knapsack. Sovereign Glue..."Caution: Will permanently bond skin." I should hope so, given what I paid for it... There you go. Welcome to puberty. You have your little redheaded girlfriend to thank for giving me this next pleasure.
<sfx> shcloort!
Elan: AAARGH!
Nale: Keep him still, I need to finish getting dressed. And drink a healing potion, now that I think about it.
Thog: thog hold on tight.
Nale: Hurry up with the rope! Faster!
Thog: sorry. thog never made tenderfoot.
Female CPPD Officer: They're over here! This way! I need help with the door!
CPPD Rookie: The bastard that killed the Chief are inside. On the count of three: ONE! TWO! THREE!!!
Blond CPPD Officer: Holy...
Dark-Skinned CPPD Officer: Good gods!
Julia: Ugh...I've never seen anything so horrific!
CPPD Rookie: I have.
Thog: thog helped!

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Grand Theft Identity
CPPD Rookie, Elan, Dark-Skinned CPPD Officer, Thog, Elan, Roy, Belkar

CPPD Rookie: That's the killer, men! Take him down, no mercy!
Elan: Whuh? What's goin' on, guys? No, wait, there's been some sort of mis- AAARGH!
Dark-Skinned CPPD Officer: The only mistake I see is you thinking you could get away with murder, you cop-killing piece of crap!
Thog: yay! resisting arrest is fun!
CPPD Rookie: Don't worry, citizen, you're safe now.
Nale: But he said he was going to summon a demon to eat my soul!
CPPD Rookie: A spellcaster too, eh? GAG 'IM!
Elan: MMMPH!
Roy: Haley, cut it out! Stop pushing- WHOA! Now nale's evil plan makes sense. It's just like Sabine said, he was looking for a sacrifice, only it was Elan, not me. Look at this place, it's like a heavy metal album cover in here!
Nale: <thinking> OK, focus, Nale. This is it, the moment of truth. In one instant, Greenhilt will take one look and notice all of the discrepancies... But you've been practising for weeks now...you have the perfect words to convince him that you are Elan. You have an answer for every possible line of inquiry. You will convince him, via sheer willpower, of your identity. This will be your finest moment as an evil mastermind. The the verbal game of cat and mouse commence!
Nale: Roy! I'm-
Roy: No time, Elan! We need to help those cops subdue Thog.
Nale: You know, where I'm from, a little suspicion about one's true identity and motives is considered good manners.
Belkar: Hey, Elan. Looks like somebody isn't getting their security deposit back...

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I Fought the Law
Thog, CPPD Rookie, Nale, Belkar, Roy, Dark-Skinned CPPD Officer, Blond CPPD Officer, Female CPPD Officer

Thog: thog chooses to go quietly now.
CPPD Rookie: You're under arrest for 417 counts of murder and one count of intent to summon a demon.
Belkar: Wow, what a thrilling battle between Roy, Haley and Thog.
Nale: Right you are, Belkon.
Belkar: Belkar.
Nale: Whatever.
Roy: So, they'll get, like a trial or something, right? Because I knwo a really hot lawyer chick who could prosecute...
CPPD Rookie: Oh yes, they will get all due process under Cliffport law. When we've finished collecting evicene in about, I'd say, six months or so, we'll contact all witnesses.
Roy: Six months?? Geez, why not just cast a few divinations to determine their guilt and call it a day. Here, I get my cleric up here, we can cast Detect Evil on Nale and Thog right now...
CPPD Rookie: NO! Don't!! Magical evidence is not considered admissable in a court of law here in Cliffport, due to the ease with which is can be faked using illusions. In face, a divination is considered an illegal search and serizure, and could get the whole case thrown out of court! I'm not letting the man who put my mentor's head on a sword just walk because you can't keep your magic to yourself.
Roy: OK, OK, chill.
Dark-Skinned CPPD Officer:When did he become the boss?
Blond CPPD Officer: Just roll with it.
CPPD Rookie: Now take your adventurers and get out of my city before I find a way to charge you with something in this mess. I'm going to have a tough enough tiem explaining this to the mayor as it is...
Nale: Wait! You need to bring him over here!
Roy: Elan, what are you-?
Nale: Everyone knows that when the cops drag the villain away, they always pause right in front go the hero so that can glare one last time.
Female CPPD Officer: He's right, it's in the manual.
Rookie: *sigh* Fine.
Nale: <whispering> What, you didn't think I chose Cliffport at random, did you? Have fun in prison, your friends will all be dead before the trial begins.
Roy: Well, at least you didn't say-
Nale: Take 'em away, boys!
Roy: Yeah, that.

Spoiler: Strip 364

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[URL="http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0364.html"]Consider Their Lineage
Roy, Nale, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Julia, Sabine (as CPPD Officer)

Roy: Well, the cops are done in there, we're free to go back to Azure City.
Nale: I'm Elan!
Vaarsuvius: Yes, so you have told me no less than seven times in the last hour.
Durkon: Now lass, rememb'r wha I told ye about respect fer yerself an' yer body, eye?
(D): Now lass, remember what I told you about respect for yourself and your body, OK?
Julia: Yes, sir.
Roy: So I guess it's back to wizard school for you?
Julia: Oh yeah, I've had enough playign adventurer for now. I look forward to resuming my duties as the coolest and sexiest girl in school.
Roy: I guess it's too much to hope for you to thank me for rescuing you, right?
Julia: I guess it's too much to hope for you to apologize for getiing me kidnapped in the first place, right?
Roy: Hey, it's not my fault you got kidnapped by a villain. These things happen.
Julia: Except insofar as it totally WAS your fault, since he did it to get at you.
Roy: What, the ever-touted almighty power of magic wasn't enough to protect you? You needed someone to hit something with a stick?
Julia: Considering it was a cleric that did all the real work, you can bite my spell slots, meat shield. Geez, no wonder you couldn't cut it as a spellcaster, you're way to bust congratulating yourself.
Roy: Why you little spoiled child-
Julia: Hero complex.
Roy: Attention seeker.
Julia: Martyr.
Roy: Brat.
Julia: Jackass!
Roy: Bitch!
Julia: Tell Dad I said, "Hi."
Roy: I'm surprised he hasn't visited.
Julia: The school has pretty good wards against that sort of thing.
Roy: Love you
Julia: Love you too. Hey, maybe try to loosen up a little before the next time you visit.
Roy: Maybe you should try to tighten up a little- As in, put some clothes on, girl.
Nale: Weird... It's almost like they don't even HAVE and obsessive homicidal grudge against their sibling.
Sabine: Nale, honey, some families are just, different.

Spoiler: Strip 365

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Caught in the Act
Nale, Sabine, Vaarsuvius

Nale: Ah, Sabine, good. Greenhilt and the rest are teleporting down to a place called, "Azure City". Are you familiar with it?
Sabine: Sure, some old buddies of mine did time there once. I can make it there in...three days? Maybe four, depending on the wind.
Nale: Wow, that fast?
Sabine: I don't get tired.
Nale: Heh. Believe me, I know. OK, bring Pompey and-
Sabine: Nu uh, no way. I'm not flying for three days with that little pervert "accidentally" groping me the entire time. It's not happening.
Nale: Ugh, fine. Tell him to stay here and watch the prison, then. Tell him to use a Sending Scroll if anything changes. You, fly down and meet me in Azure City as soon as you can. This disguise won't work forever. Except maybe for the haldling.
Sabine: Don't kill the girl until I get down there. I want to cut her up personally.
Nale: Well, I'll do what I can, but I'm on a strict, "First alone, first killed," policy here. No promises. I must depart, my love.
Sabine: Not before you give me some evil sugar.
<sfx> smooch! swak! hickey!
Vaarsuvius: Elan! The time of our departure is nigh at hand! One moment - who is that there in the shadows with you? In what activity are you engaged?
Nale: Oh crap, it's the elf.
Sabine: Follow my lead. He was just speaking to me, a police officer, about his brother Nale's treatment in prison.
Nale: Right! Right, because I am Elan, and I am foolishly and inexplicably merciful to enemies that would gladly butcher me, against the better judgement of my allies.
Vaarsuvius: Hmmm. Well, that certainly is one of your more puzzling qualities. Very well. At any rate, cease making out with him and let us leave, forthwith. And best straighten your clothes before Miss Starshine sees you. Your sash is on backwards.
Nale: Must...resist...urge to assert...heterosexuality! For the sake...of the plan!
Sabine: Honey, I'm a shapechanger, it's not like we never tried-
Nale: Not! Helping!

Spoiler: Strip 366

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Porting Out
Vaarsuvius, Roy, Wizard Guy, Durkon, Belkar, Nale

Vaarsuvius: Elan is on his way presently.
Roy: OK we're almost ready to go...uh...Wizard Guy.
Wizard Guy: Oh shwell... Thank you fer honoring me by usin' my given name.
Roy: So Durkon, I have to say, you really outdid yourself against that druid there.
Durkon: Aye, thank ye, but that real praise must go ta me lord, Thor.
(D): Yeah, thank you, but that real praise must go to my lord, Thor.
Belkar: I dunno, it wasn't Thor down here whacking a giant bear in the face over and over.
Wizard Guy: You know, I didn't NEED to be a wizard. It's not like I enjoy ferrying adventurers all over the place.
Durkon: Thank ye. It's like me granpappy always used ta say: Speak softly and beware of big sticks.
(D): Thank you. It's like my grandfather always used to say: Speak softly and beware of big sticks.
Belkar: Of course. I respect you for a nanosecond, and what do I get for my trouble? A dwarf pun. Moron.
Wizard Guy: I coulda been a baker, you know.
Nale: Sorry, sorry, I was...over there, doing something you'd rather not know about.
Roy: You are almost certainly correct.
Wizard Guy: They said my cherry turnovers were the best they'd ever tasted.
Roy: Well, I don't know about anyone else, but this was an afternoon well spent in my book.
Belkar: You spent hald the time getting smacked around by a girl.
Wizard Guy: Bundt, bundt, bundt, bundt...
Roy: True, But we saved a city from a crazy driod, thwarted the villain's plan, rescued the damsel in distress - and still have plenty of time to get back to our mission to stop the forces of Evil from getting their hands on the secret power to bring about the apocalypse.
Nale: I couldn't agree more, Roy!
Wizard Guy: TELEPORT!
Nale: Wait, what did you just-
<sfx> POP!

Spoiler: Strip 367

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Innocent Man
Warden, Thog, Elan

Warden: Welcome to prison, you disgustign pieces of human offal. Now that you've been healed and dressed in your new prison togs, you'll be in that cell there until your trial - and then, gods willing, for the rest of your very short lives.
Thog: thog not human offal. thog HALF-human offal.
Elan: Please! You have to help me! There's been a terrible mistake!
Warden: The mistake was you and your pal here killing out chief and one of our officers. Not to mention a whole bunch of unstatted commoners.
Elan: But it wasn't me! I didn't do it! It was my evil identical twin brother. He switched places with me, his brother, Elan.
Warden: You mean that nice kid who was with the adventurers?
Elan: Yes! No, wait, I mean, no! I mean, yes, that was him, only it wasn't him, because I'm him, and he's me. What I mean is, I didn't try to sacrifice him to a demon, he tried to sacrifice me...well actually, he tried to sacrifice, uh... himself.
Warden: Tried to sacrifice himself? Yeah, uh, when you get your story straight, you let me know.
Elan: But i can't stay in jail any more! I didn't do anything this time!
Warden: "This time"? So, you've been in prison before, eh? A hardened criminal?
Elan: No, no it was all just a misunderstanding! Like this! That time, I'd actually done it, but we got found Not Guilty anyway, because my friend's dad changed the outcome.
Warden: Wow, did you just confess to tampering with a criminal trial?
Elan: What? No!
Warden: We're definately going to need to let a judge handle this. Just make yourself comfortable.
Elan: No! You don't understand! If I don't get out of here, they'll die! They'll all die!
Warden: Threats aren't going to help you. Now settle down. How about you, Toothy? You want to proclaim your innocence here too?
Thog: no. thog guilty.
Warden: Refreshing, a shred of honesty. Why don't you tell me what's going on with your buddy Nale here.
Thog: not nale. not-nale. thog help nail not-nale, not nale. and thog knot not-nale while nale nail not-nale. nale, not not-nale, now nail not-nale by leaving not-nale, not nale, in jail.
Warden: Pleading insanity, then?
Thog: what is "offal"?
Warden: Forget it, Have a nice first night behind bars, I'm sure you'll get used to it after a few months.
Thog: thog too pretty for jail.
Elan: MONTHS?? You can't! You can't leave us here that long! I can't believe this is happening! I'm stuck here in prison for stuff I totally didn't do, while Nale is a free man. And my firends don't know it's him! If I don't warn them, he might kill Roy, ro Durkon, or V, or Belkar...or Haley. I have to get out of here! Help! Can anyone help me?? Can anyone hear me?
Thog: thog hears you!
Elan: Can anyone ELSE hear me? HELP! Help me! I'm innocent! I didn't do it! HELP! Anyone?? Please! I need help! I need to warn Haley.

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 368 to 388
Book 3: War and Xps
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 368

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All Along the Watchtower
Miko, Watchman, Redcloak, Xykon, Monster in the Darkness

Miko: Hail, watchtower.
Watchman: State your business.
Miko: I am Miko Miyazaki, paladin in the service of Lord Shojo. I return from the dwarven lands with important news. I request shelter for the evening, before I continue my travels home on the morrow.
Watchman: Enter, Miyazaki. May our lord's work earn you the blessing of the Twelve Gods.
Miko: To you as well. Windstriker, await my summons in the Celestial Realm.
Watchman: I'll be honest, I expected you to be carrying out monthly supplies from Blueriver Fort, seven days to the east. Our food shipment is four days late, and all we have remaining from the last delivery are tiny packets of soy sauce.
Miko: That is troubling. I cannot assist you in locating your lost supplies, unfortunately. I bear a sealed diplomatic pouch with a return message from the High Priest of Thor. I was given specific instructions that the dwarf's reply to Lord Shojo was of critical importance. However, I should be back at Azure City in another few days. I will inform the military of your ration situation at that time. If I encounter any farmers along the road, I will have them bring you some rice.
Watchman: Thank you, Paladin. We will be able to hold until then.
<sfx> KNOCK! KNOCK!
Watchman:Two visitors in a day? We usually get that many in a week.
Miko: Perhaps they bear your wayward food supplies.
Watchman: Perhaps. State your business.
Redcloak: Sir, have you ever considered the value of owning a really good set of encyclopedias?
Watchman: Ugh, not again! Look, I told you last month, we're not interested. Damned door-to-door salesmen...
<sfx> slam!!
Xykon: HA! See? I TOLD you we should have said we were selling Girl Scout cookies.
Redcloak: Yes, well, we would have, if someone hadn't eaten all of the Thin Mints.
Monster in the Darkness: Sometimes, I eat to fill the loneliness.

Spoiler: Strip 369

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Fight!
Xykon, Redcloak, Watchman, Miko, Xykon, Demon Roach, Monster in the Darkness

Xykon: OK, enough with the subtle method. Time to try the direct approach.
Demon Roach: Candygram.
Redcloak: That's not the "Redcloak dresses in drag" plan, right?
Xykon: We'll save that for another time. Just blast the door open.
Watchman: We're under attack!
Redcloak: A paladin of the Sapphire Guard? Here???
Miko: The bearer of the Crimson Mantle? Here???
Redcloak and Miko: DIE!!!
Miko: Abomination! You and your foul god shall never succeed! Smite Evil!
<sfx> slash! slash! slash! slash! slash!
Redcloak: Allow me to relay my deity's succinct retort: HARM!
Miko: ARRRGH!!
<sfx> thunk!
Redcloak: ooof!
Miko: If the Crimson Mantle is this close to Azure City, then the gate is in danger... I must warn-
Redcloak: Excuse, I wasn't done yet. I have a few more choice words. Here's one now: Destruction!
Miko: Twelve Gods, protect me!
Redcloak: Now, sir! Zap her with something while she's weak! ...Sir?
Xykon: I'll put 200 gp on the wacky kung-fu chick in Round 6, K.O.
Miko: SMITE EVIL!
Redcloak: GAAAH!!
Xykon: Make that Round 4.
Demon Roach: Pleasure doin' business wit' ya.
Monster in the Darkness: Go the distance, Redcloak! Go the distance!
<card text> Round 3
<sfx> DING!
<foam hand text> REDCLOAK #1

Spoiler: Strip 370

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Kills 'Em Every Time
Miko, Redcloak, Xykon, Watchman

Miko: Now, foul priest of evil, you die!
Redcloak: unnnhhhh...
Xykon: Eh, put a sock in it, Samurai Jill.
<sfx> forcecage!
Miko: NO! Not again!
Xykon: And seriously, you couldn't have wrapped this up back in Round 4? Geez. I mean, don't get me wrong, watching you and Redcloak beat the stuffing out of each other was a hoot, but since I left my invading army double-parked a few miles back, we're kinda on the clock. Ghostform. Now you two crazy kids play nice, Daddy has to take care of some grown-up stuff.
Miko: I'll kill you both!!
Xykon: Thatta girl.
Watchman: huff...huff... Must warn... Azure City...
Xykon: Hey there.
Watchman: GAH!!
Xykon: Heh, that never gets old. So, funny thing. You know this magical early warning beacon? The one you're just chugging up the stairs for, hoping to activate? Every one of these watchtowers you guys have built accross the countryside houses theirs in the same spot. Weird, huh? Fourth floor, right below the archers. Now, if it were me, I would move it to a different spot in each tower. That way, in the unlikely event that a small strategic strike force was moving ahead of, say, a massive horde of hobgoblins, they'd have to waste time looking for where you put the beacon. And that little bit of time might be the difference between getting a warning off to your precious Azure City, or not. You might want to mention that at your next performance review. It might get you that raise you really want. Get it? A "raise"? Because you're dead? A "Raise" Dead?? HA! Meh. They can't all be winners, you know. I gotta save the A-material for the PCs.
<sfx> keeysh!

Spoiler: Strip 371

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The Road to Heck
Miko, Redcloak, Demon Roach, Monster in the Darkness, Xykon

Miko: So what now, priest? You kill me where I stand, unable to fight back?
Redcloak: Oh, I should. Do you have any idea how many friends - how many family members - your little "crusades" have cost me? Including my mentor, who last wore this cloak.
Demon Roach: Backstoryriffic!
Miko: Pff! As if the bonds of family had any meaning to a souless nihilist who seeks to undo creation.
Redcloak: Proof once more that you paladins have zero ranks in the Knowledge (What the Hell You're Talking About) skill. However, it is up to Lord Xykon, not I, as to whether or not we execute you. You should pray to your dozen gods that he doesn't ask my advice on the matter.
Monster in the Darkness: Dude, Xykon NEVER asks your advice on stuff like that.
Redcloak: *sigh* Yes, I know, I was trying to...ugh, never mind.
Miko: Wait...did you say, "Xykon"?
Xykon: That's me, in the flesh! Except, you know, not.
Miko: Then the Order of the Stick lied! They did NOT destroy you!
Xykon: The who?
Redcloak: (From the dungeon.)
Xykon: Oh, right. Bluepommel and his buddies. Man, did they leave a mess.
Miko: Those deceivers! I knew they could not be trusted to speak the truth, and they seem to have found a way to magically shield their duplicity. Twelve Gods, let it be my righteous anger that brings their lies to justice!
Xykon: I sense much anger in you.
Redcloak: Wow, your mystic senses are perfectly attuned to what she JUST said out loud.
Xykon: Shush, I'm on a tangent here. I get how it makes it easier to get out of bed if you hold yourself all high and mighty above us, but you're really not better than us. You just have a class with tougher alignment restrictions. Remember, paladin: Anger leads to hate, hate leads to...fear? Or is it suffering? I can never remember how this goes.
Redcloak: No, no, it's fear leads to anger, anger leads to suffering, and suffering leads to the Dark Side.
Xykon: Are you sure? Because I really thought "hate" was in there someplace.
Redcloak: Hmm, maybe you're right, that does sorta sound familiar...
Monster in the Darkness: Doesn't something lead to "gluttony"?
Redcloak: No, that's something else.
Xykon: Look, the point it, it's a net gain for Team Us.
Miko: I'm guessing "stupidity" also has a place in that progression.
Redcloak: You have no idea.

Spoiler: Strip 372

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Pot v. Kettle
Miko, Xykon, Redcloak

Miko: Vile unnatural abomination! You shall never succeed in your evil quests!
Xykon: Meh. As last words go, I've heard better. Time to die, paladin! ...Hey, just a tip: If you want to start begging for mercy, now's probably the time to go for it.
Miko: I shall not give you the satisfaction. I have no fear. The blessing of the Twelve Gods has removed all traces of fear, mystical or otherwise, from their paladins. Death does not scare me.
Redcloak: Wow. And you have the cajones to call Xykon "unnatural abomination"? With a straight face?
Miko: Excuse me?
Redcloak: Think about it. Is there anything more natural than the fear response? "Fight ro Flight," it's the most basic instinct there is. But thanks to your meddling gods, you've got no fear at all. Which leaves you with, what, "Fight or Fight Some More"? No wonder you're so angry. Maybe that's why you paladins are so full of yourselves. You're immune to the fear that you might be wrong. Immune to the fear of becoming tyrants. You knwo what else has no fear? Constructs. You're at least as "unnatural" as Xykon.
Miko: You dare compare me to the undead??
Xykon: You dare compare me to a paladin??
Redcloak: Hey, sure, Xykon may be a skeleton stripped of its dead flesh and forced into an unholy semblance of life by arcane powers to terrible to even consider, but at lease he cops to it!
Xykon: Amen, brother! Preach it!
Redcloak: Face it, human. You're every bit as much of an "unnatural abomination" as he is, with the extra added bonus of being a myopic hypocrite. Now if you'll excuse me, this 100% all-natural goblin has an army to lead.
Xykon: Well, damn. I was gonna just kill you, but now I think it might be mroe evil to let you stew on that for a while.
Miko: Meh. As indignant speeches go, I've heard better.

Spoiler: Strip 373

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Caged
Xykon, Demon Roach 1, Miko, Demon Roach 2 Monster in the Darkness

Xykon: So, yeah, this should be fun. That forcecage should last for like a day and a half, give ro take a few hours. You hang there and be miserable. When Reddie and I get back with the rest of the army, we'll kill you and see what kind of cool obscure undead creature pops up afterwords. My money is on death knight, but hey, maybe it'll be one of those weird "Oriental Adventures" undead. Who's to say, right? I tell you, it's the little day-to-day surprises that make unlife worth unliving. Have fun!
<sfx> click! lock!
Demon Roach 1: Sucks to be you!
Miko: O mighty gods of the South: Thank you for giving me this opportunity to personally thwart the plans of the most direct threat to Soon's Gate in the history of the Sapphire Guard. Thank you for seeing fit to put me in position to unravel the danger posed by this lich, the goblin priest, and their obvious lackeys, the Order of the Stick. As it now seems probable that their destruction of Dorukan's Gate was at Xykon's behest, I take these events as an answer to my prayer, hoping that I be the one who is able to punish them as they so richly deserve. I pray in thanks, and further ask, as always, that all who stand in opposition to the holy work of the Sapphire Guard have their evil plans revealed to the light of day so that your paladins may smite them. Praise the Twelve Gods. Amen. Of course, in order to get any decent smiting in, I'll need to get out of this cage... This should prove easy enough...or rather, it would, if these bars of force were in any way vulnerable to being cut by my blade. Which, apparently, they are not.
Demon Roach 1: Swing and a miss!
Miko: Hmmmm... I must escape to warn Azure City, but how? It is at times like this that I wish I were one of those adventurers who have purchased the entire list of available mundane equipment, "just in case". Encumbrance issues aside, I'm sure there's some way a 10-foot pole could get me out of this. Wait! Of course! I did buy something on my trip up to the dwarven lands!
Demon Roach 1: A beard trimmer?
Miko: I souvenier for Lord Shojo!
<bottle text> AGED DWARVEN BRANDY
<sfx> RRRRIP!!
Demon Roach 1: Ooo, yeah! Take it off, honey! What the- Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!
Miko: Now if my knowledge of demons is of any use, this should work...
Demon Roach 1: OWW! Don't squeeze there!
<sfx> woosh! POW!
Demon Roach 1: Mommyyyyyyyy!
Miko: Wow. I guess Lord Shojo's liver will thank me for that... Excellent! While the cage remains undamaged, the flagstones in the floor have loosened and cracked. I just need some help pushing... Windstriker, I choose you!
<sfx> pika!
Miko: Push harder, loyal steed! Harder!
<sfx> THUNK!
Miko: Outstanding, Windstriker! Now we must hurry before the lich or the goblin returns here.
Demon Roach 1: It...it was horrible!
Demon Roach 2:Show me on the doll where she touched you.
Miko: If we are to have any hope of arriving at Azure City ahead of Xykon's army, we must ride as fast as we can. There are no more watchtowers between here and home, so we cannot afford to fail. Even at your best speed, we will only arrive a day or two ahead of-
Monster in the Darkness: Hi. What's your name?

Spoiler: Strip 374

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Black and Blue
Miko, Monster in the Darkness

Miko: I am Miko Miyazaki, samurai of the Sapphire Guard, loyal vassal of Lord Shojo, daughter of Eyko, and paladin of the Twelve Gods of the South.
Monster in the Darkness: Neat! It must be hard to fit all that on your business cards, though.
Miko: I apologize, but I cannot be delayed. My mission is urgent and upon its swift success rests the fate of hundreds of thousands - indeed, millions - of innocent lives. Step aside.
Monster in the Darkness: Cool. It's kinda awkward, though, since Xykon said I wasn't supposed to let you-
Miko: Very well. If you serve that villain even if it results in such a great loss of life, you are an enemy to me.
<sfx> slash! slash! slash! slash! slash!
Monster in the Darkness: Hee hee hee hee! Stop that! That tickles!
Miko: "Tickles"?
Monster in the Darkness: Hey, that gave me an idea! Wanna play a game? C'mon, it'll be fun. It's called "Who Can Hit the Lightest?" First I hit you as lightly as I can, then you hit me as lightly as YOU can. Whoever hits the lightest wins! Cool, huh?
Miko: Um, yes. Yes, of course. I accept your challenge
Miko: <whispering> Stand ready, WIndstriker, I intend to lose this "game" intentionally. After he wastes his action tapping me, I shall attack again with more power so that I might overcome his Damage Reduction. With luck, I might-
Monster in the Darkness: OK, my turn first!
Miko: By the Twelve Gods! I must hurry back to save Wind-
<cutaway>
Monster in the Darkness: Awww, man! I lost twice. I suck.

Spoiler: Strip 375

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Undeliverable
Miko, Monster in the Darkness, Demon Roach, Dwarven High Priest

Miko: Look, just be happy the dosage on these potions doesn't need to be adjusted for body weight. Recent events have lead me to believe that you might want to cut back on your consumption of Heavenly Oats brand horse feed.
<sfx> glug! glug! glug!
Miko: Are you well enough to travel? Good. We cannot afford the time it would take to replenish you in the Celestial Realm. While I would love to return to battle that creature, the greater good demands that I leave. As of right now, all of Azure City is depending on the two of us. We must not fail! As fast as you can, boy! Faster!
Monster in the Darkness: Escuse me! Miss Miko! Hello? You dropped your purse!
Demon Roach: Apparently littering isn't against the paladin code.
Monster in the Darkness: I wonder what's in it. I probably shouldn't open it, though. She might come back for it.
Demon Roach: Do it.
Monster in the Darkness: I bet it's food. It does sort of smell like beer...Must be pub food.
<sfx> sniff!
Demon Roaches: Do it! Do it! Do it!
Monster in the Darkness: I am pretty hungry... And it's just gonna get cold anyway.
Demon Roaches: DO IT!!
Monster in the Darkness: Shoot! That's not a piping hot plate of delicious cheese fries AT ALL! What a rip off, it's just a stupid letter.
Demon Roach: HA-ha!
Monster in the Darkness: And it's not even color-coded, or bullet-pointed, or anything!
<letter text> To Durkon, Since you have clearly not heard, I write to inform you that Hight Priest Hurak passed away three years ago. I have taken over as High Priest of Thor, but I can fidn no mention of your mission in any of Hurak's notes or journals. Therefore, I see no good reason not to grant your request to return to dwarven territory as soon as you wish. I only wish your letter had reached me before the unfortunate death of your grandfather. Both of his livers failed as- -whiskey-
<sfx> munch munch munch
Monster in the Darkness: OW! I goh a pahpuh cut righ ohn muh tonng! Sigh... Life just isn't fair.
Demon Roach: So, what, we all just leave stuff on the ground now?

Spoiler: Strip 376

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All Too Easy
Xykon, Redcloak, Salesman

Xykon: So? Did she escape yet or what?
<tag text> 1000 GP
Redcloak: She's riding off into the proverbial sunset as we speak.
Xykon: Well it's about time! I was starting to think that I'd researched that "Xykon's Moderately-Escapable Forcecage" spell for nothing!
Redcloak: And I owe you an apology: I really didn't think we'd see ANY paladins before we made it to the target. Further, can I just say that asking our friend in the dark to guard her was a masterstroke?
Xykon: Best way I could think of to ensure her escape was to give that bozo instructions to the contrary.
Redcloak: Still, are you sure this is the wisest course of action? We went through a lot of trouble to take out all those magic early warning beacons.
Xykon: Listen, there's a world of difference betwen an instantaneous magical warning and a lone messenger on horseback. We'll force march the army. By the time she gets there, we'll be right behind her. It'll be fine.
Redcloak: But sir, won't some of the hobgoblins drop dead from exhaustion? Pffff ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Xykon: Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh man, you really had me going there for a second...whew!
Redcloak: You should have seen the look on your skill...
Xykon: "Won't some of the hobgoblins die?" Priceless. Anyway, it's worth the risk. Remember, as much fun as it will be to pound those paladins into post-paladin paste, we're going there for the gate. I guarantee that it's well-hidden, in a place where only the paladins know how to find it. And now that I've met her - and, apparently, have just scored a few stray hairs of hers from this cloak - it should be a breeze to zero in on her location when I scry.
Redcloak: Wait, "scry"? So that trip you took the other day was to-
Xykon: Yup. You guessed it.
<flashback>
<sign text> QUEST BUY
<sign text> Widescreen Crystal Ball
Xykon: So does the warranty on this cover being destroyed when your dungeon is accidentally blown up by a ragtag band of dysfunctional heroes?
Salesman: How ragtag are we talking here?

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Travel Delays
Soldier, Sabine, Roy, Nale, Wizard Guy, Belkar

Soldier: Welcome back, miss.
Sabine: Tee hee. I wish Nale had given me a way to find him...He's been here for a while...He could be anywhere in this whole city! Including entering the city right behind me, apparently.
Roy: OK, we're running really late now. Split up, buy supplies or whatever. Remember, we're meeting with Shojo in the morning, and then we're off to the Western Continent.
Nale: OK, Roy! G'night! Don't let the bedbugs bite!
Sabine: <whispering> Psssssst! "Beware the green monkey."
Nale: <whispering> "He barks at midnight."
Nale: Oh, Sabine, is it nice to see a familiar face. Umm, well, you know what I mean.
Sabine: Are you just getting here now? I thought you teleported three days ago.
Nale: We did. Sort of.
<flashback>
<sfx> POP!
Wizard Guy: Welcome to Azure City! *hic!*
<end flashback>
Nale: On the plus side, after eating the Wizard, the bird had so much booze in it system that it just told us that it loved us and then fell asleep.
Belkar: 'Sup, ho.

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He Didn't Even Have to Say Please
Nale, Sabine, Roy, Shojo

Nale: We might have a change of plans. Apparently, Greenhilt and his lackeys are about to embark on a trip to protect some sort of doomsday device in the West. A "gate" that could destroy the universe. He kept mentioning it on the walk back from the mountains. Remember our old "friend" Xykon? Well, he's after it too. And he might be a fool, but he's quite good at staying alive. Undead. Whatever. The point is, he's not the kind of villain who would be interested in blowing everything up just for giggles. He likes existing way too much. Therefore, I theorize that he must have uncovered some means of directing or controlling this "gate" to serve-
Sabine: Quiet! Someone's coming! Did you see that look she gave me? Do you think she knows it's us??
Nale: No...if she knew, she wouldn't also have smiled at me. Smiles for "Elan" and a petrifying gaze attack for the woman with whom he's speaking... I do believe our little rogue is in love with my brother. Fascinating...
Sabine: Ahem.
Nale: Oddly quiet, though...
Sabine: I believe I said, "Ahem".
Nale: Ah, right. At any rate, if I can maintain this disguise, Greenhilt will lead me right to this "gate". With that kind of power, I could hold the whole world hostage to my whims!
Sabine: Yeah, but you don't know whatever Xykon knows.
Nale: True. But I'm considerably smarter than he is. If he can deduce the secret, then so can I. I just need mroe data. I need to devise some scheme, some elaborate machination, by which I could unearth more information concerning this gate...
<cutaway>
Roy: Can you tell us more about the gates?
Shojo: Sure.
Nale: Huh.

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Perform IS on the Aristocrat's Skill List
Shojo, Nale, Roy, Belkar

Shojo: ...and now you know the Secret Lore of the Sapphire Guard. Again.
Nale: Thanks! I'll try not to forget it this time.
Roy: I should hope not. Some of us don't get to fast-forward past the retelling, you know.
Shojo: On to other business. Other than that unfortunate accident, how did your attempt to track down Xykon's associate go?
Roy: What? Oh, right. Well, it, uh... well actually, we... ah, crap. It turns out we forgot to actually ask him anything useful about Xykon. We just kicked his ass and sent him to prison.
Belkar: We were supposed to ask him questions? I thought- OWW!
Roy: The truth is, while yes, Nale is a known associate of Xykon's we actually went to Cliffport because he had kidnapped my little sister. I guess we could head back there to ask Nale. He's just rotting in prison...
Nale: What?!?
Shojo: Sorry, no, I'm going to have to veto the redundant side-trip to question the ex-minion. We're in a hurry here. I want you at Girard's Gate as soon as possible.
Nale: Whew!
Roy: Hey, don't order me around, Shojo. I'm not one of your fawning subservient paladins. Let's not forget that I'm doing you a favor here.
Shojo: Ah yes, the favour of downsizing my personal staff for me?
Roy: Hey, he teleported us into a-
Shoko: What do you think, loyal wizard follower? Do you think Roy is doing a good job so far. "Oh yes, Lord Shojo! I'm enjoying being a partially-digested skeleton! Especially now that I'm learned it happened on a trip that had no actual bearing on the mission for which he had been paid in advance!"
Belkar: Oooo! Burned by the geezer!
Roy: OK, fine. You're right, we'll head to Girard's Gate right now.
Shojo: Great idea! Here, I'll have my best wizard teleport you! "Sure thing, Lord Shojo! TELEPORT!!"
Roy: Gah!!
Shojo: Oh, look at that. It didn't work. I guess you'll have to wait until we're done resurrecting him. Come back tomorrow.
Belkar: That was friggin' fantastic. I wish this was a democracy so I could vote for that guy.
Roy: Really? 'Cause right now, I feel like he's been too soft on crime. Specifically, yours.

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While the Fiend's Away...
Sabine, Nale, Durkon, Roy, Belkar, Lee, Cedrik

Sabine: So the planet is holding a nigh-unstoppable ogd-killing terror that will consume everything if it gets out.
Nale: Apparently.
Sabine: Hard to believe THAT team of schmucks is on a quest that's so...irrevocable.
Nale: I know what you mean. The knowledge that the fate of the entire multiverse hinges on their every action must be a terrible burden, hounding them constantly.
<flashback>
Durkon: Who's up fer Parcheesi??
(D): Who's up for Parcheesi??
Roy: Sure.
Belkar: What the hell, OK.
<end flashback>
Nale: Eh, what do we care, we're the Bad Guys. So what evil stuff are we doing tonight while we wait?
Sabine: Uh, actually, it turns out I need to stop home for something.
Nale: What? Now??
Sabine: Yeah. Sorry, it just came up this instant.
Nale: Hello, we're in the middle of a totally evil plot here! What's so important that you need to zip off to the Lower Planes this instant?
Sabine: Umm...
<flashback>
Lee: -and keep us apprised of anything that might tip the cosmic balance between Good and Evil in our favor.
Cedrik: You'll be eligible for a 10% finder's fee.
<end flashback>
Sabine: It's uh... that time of the century.
Nale: Huh?
Sabine: You know...the Red Knight is requesting lodging.
Nale: Oh! I didn't even know that happened to outsiders.
Sabine: Yeah, well, it does. Absolutely. So, gotta stop home for hygiene supplies. Look, I know I'm not supposed to use my Plane Shift power unless it's an emergency, but trust me, this qualifies. I can use it once per day. I'll pop over there now and be back tomorrow. You already said they're not leaving for Girard's gate until then.
Nale: But what am I supposed to do tonight?
Sabine: What am I, your mother? Find some way to amuse yourself.
<cutaway>
Nale: Knock, Knock.

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Improved Feint
Nale, Haley, Haley's Self Loathing

Nale: I can see that I'm not really interrupting anything too important, so if you'll indulge me, I have a few words to say. After almost being killed by my cunningly clever and devishly handsome twin brother, Nale, I find that I am looking at everything in a different light. Everything, including you, Haley. I don't know hwo I never noticed how beautiful you are before. It probably has something to do with my overpowering mental defects and my annoyingly childish persona. Isn't it time we stopped playing these games? The secret looks, the denials, the Bluff checks that say, "No," when we both mean, "Yes"? We're both adults, and I'm tired of taking 5-foot steps around one another when we should be charging ahead together. I intend to take advantage of our delay to rectify that.
Haley: Qr-
(H): Wh-
Nale: Shhhh- don't speak. Don't spoil this moment with words. Just join me for dinner this evening. I promise it will be everything you ever secretly wanted. And if it's not too forward of me, I purchased something for you to wear other than your old leather armor. I hope you like it. Until tonight, then, my dear.
Haley's Self Loathing: All hands on deck! This is not a drill! Repeat: this is NOT a drill!

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Risk vs. Reward
Haley's Self Loathing, Haley's Vanity, Haley's Self-Reliance, Haley's Optimism, Haley's Latent Bisexuality, Haley's Mistrust, Haley's Intellect, Haley

Haley’s Self Loathing: OK, everyone, breath deeply. Actually, only Haley needs to breathe deeply. The rest of us are imaginary. We have a major crisis on our hands here.
Haley’s Vanity: I know! I'm not even sure we'll fit into that dress! Much less find shoes in time!!
Haley’s Self Loathing: What? Now, Haley's Vanity, that's not what I'm talking about.
Haley’s Vanity: Oh, sorry. You're worried about how we'll do our hair, then.
Haley’s Self Loathing: Look, men that we've been pining over for the better part of a year do not spontaneously decide to just sweep us off out feet with flowers and new dresses. That doesn't happen to girls like us.
Haley’s Self-Reliance: Oh, I see what's going on here. Self-Loathing here just doesn't want us to be happy, so she's trying to sabotage the whole thing.
Haley’s Self Loathing: Listen, Peroxide, I'm the only one here who cares enough about Haley to tell her the whole unvarnished truth. And I say something is wrong. Am I the ONLY one who noticed that Elan wasn't acting very Elan-like? He was suave and romantic and didn't forget what he was saying in the middle. Plus, I think he checked out our rack at one point.
Haley's Optimism: Well... Maybe his feelings for us spurred him to new heights of confidence.
Haley’s Self Loathing: Oh, yeah, maybe. Or maybe he's a Pod Person from the Fifth Dimension.
Haley's Optimism: That's insane.
Haley’s Self Loathing: Insane, right, because we're NOT talking about a girl whose mind is slowly fracturing into a thousand pieces under the strain of not having anyone to listen to her. What about the dress? Black, strapless, with laces up the front and back? Who wears stuff like that??
Haley’s Vanity: You do.
Haley’s Self Loathing: Yeah - but I'm a teenager! You can't take my fashion choices seriously!
Haley’s Latent Bisexuality: I think the dress looks hot...
Haley’s Self Loathing: No one asked you, Haley's Latent Bisexuality.
Haley’s Latent Bisexuality: Fine, I'll just go back to hiding in the corner.
Haley’s Self Loathing: I'm telling you, this whole thing is fishy! Back me up, Haley's Mistrust.
Haley’s Mistrust: Why should I? What's your angle??
Haley’s Self Loathing: *sigh* Never mind.
Haley’s Intellect: Actually, Elan's vocabulary and syntax were significantly above those of his usual speech patterns.
Haley’s Self Loathing: Thank you, Haley's Intellect, that's what I'm talking about.
Haley’s Intellect: However, it is possible that he raised his Intelligence score the last time he gained a level.
Haley’s Self Loathing: What? Ugh, you're grasping at straws now! Think, people, THINK!
Haley: No.
Haley’s Self Loathing: Did - did you just say "no" to thinking??
Haley: Yeah. I think too much. All of my life I've been suspicious and distrustful. What do I have to show for it?
Haley’s Self Loathing: Uh...you're still alive.
Haley: I'm not sure I'd call this "living". Elan manages to get through his life without second-guessing everything, and he's happy. He took a chance coming here and telling me how he felt - something I was freaking out about long before i lost my voice. All I know is that if I don't go, I'll probably spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. I can't do that. I'll go crazy. Crazier, whatever. You could be right. There could be something wrong with him. Maybe he's a doppelganger who wants to devour my frontal lobe or something. Or maybe - just maybe - everything is exactly as it seems and this is my one and only opportunity to be truly happy. I think that's worth the risk. I think that may be worth ANY risk.
Haley’s Self Loathing: Yeah, well... Don't come crying to me when you brain gets eaten!
Haley’s Intellect: Technically, since we are solely mental constructs, we would cease to exist.
Haley’s Mistrust: I don't buy it.
Haley’s Vanity: Would that mess up our hair?
Haley’s Self-Reliance: Wait, if we didn't have a brain, how could we-
Haley’s Self Loathing: Gods, I hate you all.

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What's Really Scary is That He Knows the Words
Nale, Belkar

Nale: Ah, Nale, you handsome beast, this will be the evil frosting on a very wicked cake. You'll wine her and dine her and then, right when she's ready to let you have her way with her, you'll kill her instead. I'm sure it will be difficult to describe in words the exact mixture of shocks and betrayal when "Elan" runs her through with a dagger on the cusp of the consummation of her wildest romantic fantasy - but maybe after this whole gate thing is resolved, I'll pop on over to my brother's jail cell and do my best to do it justice. Whew, OK. Hopefully that got my natural urge to digress into a complete explanation of my evil plan out of my system. I don't want to go all "Bond villain" and forget to finish the job.
Belkar: Hey Elan, you won't believe the game of Parcheesi we just - You frickin' bastard!!
Nale: GAH!!
Belkar: Nale, you spineless piece of weasel crap. I'm gonna cut your-
Nale: Charm Person!
Belkar: -hair for you, if you'd like. It sure could use a trim.
Nale: Wow, that was close. Close the door and put the daggers away. How did you suddenly figure out it was me and not my brother?
Belkar: You smell different.
Nale: Ah...I've been wearing Elan's clothes for days, but upon bathing for my "date", my own scent must have reasserted itself... Well, I can't risk you telling anyone, but I can't risk your body being found, either. Let's kill two PC's with one spell, then. If you see any of your allies before I get back, kill them and bring me their magic items.
Belkar: What?? Never!!
Nale: Ah, that's right...the spell will not compel the subject to do anything to which they will vehemently object. I will need to choose my commands carefully to make them seem more reasonable. If you see any of your allies, kill them and keep their magic items for yourself.
Belkar: You go it, boss.
Nale: While singing the complete score to "Meet Me in St. Louis."
Belkar: <singing> "Meet me in St. Louis, Louis, meet me at the fair..."
Nale: I love being evil.

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Words Get in the Way
Haley, Haley's Self Loathing, Nale

Haley: Jeez, this dress! I look like a dominatrix.
Haley’s Self Loathing: Actually, you look like a sorceress or something.
Haley: Hey, no need to get cruel.
Nale: Ah, you return from the Ladies' Room. Your absence was like a confirmed critical from a keen scythe. You look stunning in black, my dearest Haley. It's so nice to see you not wearing any of your normal protective gear. ...I notice you are unusually quiet tonight. Do you have no words for a romantic evening such as this?
Haley: Za ybxy acwwdave yd uv adfv adty dg sdhv? Uvrxcav Z rxi'y awvxh? Zg ad, zy qxai'w jvtp gciip.
(H): Is that supposed to be some kind of joke? Because I can't speak? If so, it wasn't very funny.
Nale: <thinking> What the hell? What language was that? Crap, what if she and Elan both took some obscure language like Ignan or Gnoll or something?? OK, don't panic, Nale. When in doubt, laugh and nod. Then come up with some sweet talk to keep from having to respond in the same language.
Nale: Ha ha ha ha ha! Yes, too true, too true. Heh heh. But, uh, words from any language just get in the way. What can mere sounds tell us that we cannot see by gazing into each other's eyes? I say, "Enough words!" Who needs them? Let us have no more words this evening, save for this request: Would you care to dance?
Nale: <thinking> Fantastic. I can't believe I just suggested that we stay silent for the rest of the night.)
Haley: <thinking> Fantastic! I can't believe he just suggested that we stay silent for the rest of the night!

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A Sympathetic Ear
Sabine, Randy, Vaarsuvius, Belkar, Durkon

Sabine: Thanks for the ride, Randy! I really wanted to avoid the morning rush hour.
Randy: Yeah, that crossplane traffic can be a pain.
Sabine: Plus, I need to make sure Nale is OK. I shouldn't have run out like that. I hope he didn't get in too much - trouble. Why that scum-sucking two-timing lowlife –
<cutaway>
Sabine: -goddamn worthless piece of crap on a stick! Bring me another three of these. Hey, you. Let me ask you something. Why are all men such pigs??
Vaarsuvius: Uh, I am not certain I am the most qualified to comment on gender traits...
Sabine: No, no, no, seriously. Why are they such massive jackasses all the time?
Vaarsuvius: I take it your inquiry is not solely rhetorical, then?
Sabine: You got it, sister. I go away for this thing for work for a few hours, and when I get back, he's groping her out on the dance floor. HER!! Of all the possible choices, it had to be THAT nasty skank!!
Vaarsuvius: Do you love him?
Sabine: Yeah. I mean, I think so. I mean, it's complicated.
Vaarsuvius: I see. Then it appears you have a choice to make.
Sabine: Choice? What choice?
Vaarsuvius: Whether to continue drinking yourself into a stupor and allow him to slip further under the influence of her charms... Or... Well, let me simply say that were I to return home to find my mate in the arms of another elf, I would employ every shred of my not inconsiderable arcane power to fight for my love.
Sabine: You know what? You're right! I'm gonna go find them right now and kick that hussie's ass! Thanks, elf. You're all right.
Vaarsuvius: Think nothing of it. At least now I can get back to enjoying my glass of elven wine in peace and quiet, without being called on to intervene in someone else's problems.
Belkar: <singing> Clang, clang, clang goes the trolley!
Durkon: Git away from me, ye daft fool!
(D): Get away from me, you daft fool!
Belkar: <singing> Ring, ring, ring goes the bell!
Vaarsuvius: *sigh*

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Not How She Pictured It, Certainly
Sabine, Elan, Thog, Haley, Nale

<sign text> Inn
<door text> 11
<door text> 13
<sfx> smooch! WHAMM!
Sabine: NALE!!!!
<sfx> KEESHH!!
Elan: NALE!!!!
Thog: nale!!!!
Haley: XCGH???
(H): NALE???
Nale: You know, the first two, I probably should've seen coming. The leprechaun costume? Not so much.

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The Cliffport Redemption
Prison Guard 1, Prison Guard 2, Elan, Thog

<banner text> Three and a half days earlier...
<armor text> CPPD
Prison Guard 1: Sorry, I'm happily married.
Prison Guard 2: Sorry, I'm gay.
Elan: Awww, man! This illusion NEVER works!
Prison Guard 1: Really? I didn't know that.
Prison Guard 2: Oh sure, came out when I was 17.
Elan: But I need to get out of here! My evil twin brother is going to kill my - my Haley! And she's all unsuspecting and defenseless and, and, and Haleyish! I can't stay in prison. I don't know the gold-piece-to-cigarette exchange, and I don't have any ranks in Craft (shiv). And I can't wait for another trial! They take too long and have too much background exposition. Though it would be neat to see more crayon drawings... It's just not fair! I didn't do anything wrong. Nale did all that bad stuff, how come he gets away with it and I have to be here?? It's not fair! It's not fair. What am I doing? I can't sit here and cry now while my friends are in danger! I need to warn them! I need to escape! Awww, but I tried everything, I used my illusion, I used Diplomacy, I even tried singing Spice Girls songs if they didn't let me free. It's almost liek I need an entirely different set of class abilities to get out of here.
Thog: <singing> if you wannabe thog's lover, you gotta get with thogs friends...
Elan: Thog, listen to me: We need to escape!
Thog: thog not escape. thog stay here.
Elan: Don't you want to be free? Aren't you bored yet?
Thog: nale told thog to stay in jail with not-nale until nale comes back for thog. said thog, "don't drop soap."
Elan: OK, but, um, what if he doesn't come back?
Thog: nale come back. nale good to thog. nale let thog smash stuff and stay up extra hour past thog's bedtime on weekends.
Elan: Wow, that IS good...Roy only gives me a half hour. OK, then, what if Nale can't come back?
Thog: huh?
Elan: What if Nale...gets lost? Yah, what if he gets lost and can't find his way back here?
Thog: nale extra smart. nale not get lost.
Elan: Maybe...but, uh, did you see him leave a trail of breadcrumbs? You know, to find his way back?
Thog: thog not see any.
Elan: What? Oh man! Oh, Thog, he'll never find his way back without a trail of breadcrumbs!
Thog: oh no! nale get lost in witch's forest!
Elan: Exactly! Only YOU can save him, Thog!
Thog: thog is coming, nale! thog save you!!!!
Elan: And those iron bars? Those iron bars ATE all of Nale's breadcrumbs!
Thog: what?!?
<sfx> crreeeak!
Elan: And then they punched a clown!
Thog: thog hate you, stupid metal bars! thog rage!
<sfx> creeeeeak! rip!
Elan: <singing> Bend, bend, bend, bend the prison cell bars!
Thog: thog smash puny prison!!
<sfx> CRASH!
Thog: huff, huff, huff, huff... why thog mad again?
Elan: Uh, no reason.
Thog: oh. ok!
Prison Guard 1: What was that noise?
Prison Guard 2: Better check it out.
Elan: Uh oh, the guards! Disguise Self!
Thog: how thog's pants turn purple?
Prison Guard 1: What the heck is going on here?
Prison Guard 2: Oh, hey Warden.
Elan: Uh, renovations. We're having a team fo interior decorators come in and redecorate the prison in two days for 2000 gp. I'm transferring this half-orc to...uh...someplace else.
Prison Guard 2: Where's the other guy?
Elan: ...Died. Yeah, he died from the poor conditions here.
Prison Guard 1: Another one??
Prison Guard 2: Wait. where's his body?
Elan: He died from...the Vaporizing Flu.
Prison Guard 1: The Vaporizing Flu...?
Elan: Oh yeah, very dangerous. Fever, vomiting, then poof! You just vanish.
Prison Guard 1: Is that...contagious?
Elan: Yes, but oddly only if you stand around in places where a previous victim has died and ask questions.
Prison Guard 1: I, uh, just remembered some paperwork I have to do...
Prison Guard 2: Me too...
Elan: Whew, that was close! Now let's go save Haley!
Thog: and nale.
Elan: Right, and nale.
Thog: yay! thog and not-nale on zany whirlwind adventure!
Elan: Hilarity ensues when two adventurers from different ends of the alignment spectrum must work together inthe feel-good comedy of the year!
Thog: thog wonders how thog will cope with life outside jailhouse walls. prison changed thog.
Elan: We were only in there for 40 minutes.
Thog: prison changes thog quickly.

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The Final Frontier
Thog, Elan, Roy, Setzer, Cyan, Celes, Relm, Strago, Terra, Edgar

Thog: but thog misses thog's axe! thog's axe had sentimental value.
Elan: I know, Thog, but there's a bajillion guards around the equipment locker. We'll need to get new stuff. And if I've learned anything from stories where the hero is falsely accused, it's that the first thing you have to do after your daring escape is change your look.
Thog: what not-nale think of this one?
Elan: Oh, sure, if you think you have the figure to pull it off.
Thog: *sigh* thog never get anything pretty.
<note text> Dear Shopkeeper, Sorry we stole from you. It was for good cause. -Elan.
Elan: OK, so we've got clothes and 5 copper pieces from the "Leave a penny, take a penny," thing. Where can we...go...next. Wait here.
<sign text> BARBER.
<sign text> Warm shave 5cp
Thog: ooooo! not-nale smooth as baby butt.
Elan: He got the beard off, though he said I'd never be able to grow facial hair because of the goo Nale used. But now what? Think, Elan, think! What would Roy say if HE were here?
<cutaway>
Roy: OK, gang, we need to get to Azure City fast, but we don't have anyone to cast Teleport and travelling by boat or horse will take weeks. What we need is an alternate mode of transport. Also, you're my best friend in the whole wide world, Elan, and I'm happy to serve as your surrogate big brother, considering how your own father wasn't there for you growing up. Wanna go bowling?
<cutback>
Elan: Not right now, Roy. Roy's right, though. We are going to have to find some alternate means fo transport. But where are we-
<sfx> whuppa whuppa whuppa whuppa whuppa whuppa whuppa whuppa
Thog: thog believe thog can fly.
Elan: Of course! Cliffport's famous airship docks MUST have a ship bound for Azure City! Quick, follow me!
Thog: why we running away from ship?
Elan: Because they'll never let us on without tickets. Luckily, I have a cunning plan!
Thog: not-nale so smart!
<edited note> Dear Shopkeeper, Sorry we stole from you twice. It was for really good cause. -Elan.
Setzer: All aboard for Azure City! All aboard!
<ship text> -ackjak
Cyan: So there I was, with just three options: Fight, Run, or Item.
Celes: No magic?
Cyan: Nah, it was still the first half of the story.
Relm: But Grampa, I don't WANNA go to Pratt!
Strago: Don't sass me, brat, or I'll Aqua Rake you into next week.
Elan: With these clever disguises, we're sure to get aboard!
Thog: thog not get references.
Setzer: Tickets, please?
Elan: What? Don't you recognize us? I'm the famous Treasure Hunter, and this is my marketable (but ultimately useless) recurring mascot character!
Thog: kupo!
Setzer: Oh, terribly sorry, sir. Welcome aboard.
Elan: I should hope so, we're both playable characters, you know. This is great, Thog! We'll zoom down to the South lickety split! I just hope we get there before I have to figure out a way to resurrect all my friends.
Terra: "Resurrect"? What's that?
Edgar: Don't you mean "Fenix Down"?
Thog: what's a "fenix"?

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 389 to 405
Book 3: War and Xps
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Spoiler: Strip 389

Show

As Good an Explanation as is Forthcoming
Elan, Bartender, Julio Scoundrel, Thog

Elan: Excuse me, bartender? Could I possibly borrow a corkscrew? A woman's life may depend on it.
Bartender: Uh, sure. Just give me a minute.
Elan: Thank you! And can I get a diet cola? ♪
Julio: OK, I simply MUST ask: How in the name of Gygax will a corkscrew save a woman's life??
Elan: Oh, well, uh... I really shouldn't talk about it.
Julio: I promise I'll be the soul of discretion. If you don't tell me, it'll just rattle around in my brain for weeks.
Elan: Well, OK... Since I have to wait for the corkscrew anyway... My evil twin brother lured me and my friends here to Cliffport by kidnapping my best friend's little sister but then used his own friends to distract them while he and his half-orc buddy knocked me out and glued a fake beard on me so tha the police thought I was him and he was me and I went to jail and he teleported off with them but then I escaped from jail with the half-orc and now we're going to go find him and save my friend Haley who he's going to kill if we don't. ♪
Julio: And, the , uh...the corkscrew?
Elan: Oh, it's part of my new plan to get us aboard an airship, bound for Azure City, since it's the only vehicle that travels fast enough, even though I don't have any money.
Julio: How were you planning on paying for the diet soda, then?
Elan: 30 ft. per round movement rate.
Julio: Heh heh. That brings back memories. Tell you what, lad, I like you. And it just so happens that I am an airship captain myself, in fact.
Elan: Really?? Wow, what were the chances?
Julio: Pretty good, considering we wouldn't be having this scene if it didn't forward the plot in some way.
Elan: Oh, right.
Julio: Anyway, my ship, The Mechane, is docked right down-
Elan: The Mechane?? But that's - omigods, you're, you're-
Julio: THat's right, kid. It is I...
<cutaway>
Julio: <voiceover> Captain Julio Scoundrel, world famour sky pirate, renown ladies' man, and all-around dashing action hero!
<magazine text> Townspeople Weekly. Julio Scoundrel. SEXIEST MAN ALIVE! Plus, Sexiest Man Undead Dracula.
Julio: And I'd still hold that title if they hadn't raised Valentino from the dead again...
Elan: Oh wow! My mom is your biggest fan! she has like a dozen pictures of you in the drawer by the bed that she thinks I don't know about!
Julio: Uh, OK...
Elan: Can I have your autograph?
Julio: I'll do you one better, kid: How would you like a lift to Azure City? I bet we could make it in a few days, if the winds favor us.
Elan: NO WAY!!
Julio: What can I say, you remind me of myself when I was younger.
Elan: Thank you so much, Mr. Scoundrel! I just need to go tell my, uh, friends.
Julio: Well hurry up, the offer expires when I finish my beer.
Elan: Thog! Thog! I've got good news! It turns out we won't need my plan after all!
Thog: but thog just finished step 3: stuffing potato salad into giant wooden alpaca!
<box text> SOAP

Spoiler: Strip 390

Show

In a Class All His Own
Elan, Julio Scoundrel

<sfx> whzzzzzzzzzz
<boat text> MECHANE
Elan: …and then the cops dragged me off to prison, and I haven’t seen any of them since.
Julio: Distressing. Let me ask you this, though: What do you intend to do when you finally catch up to your brother?
Elan: Save Haley! And the rest of my friends!
Julio: How? Exactly? You’d admitted that even with all of his unfavorable multiclassing, Nale is at least your equal (if not your better) in a duel…and that some or all of your friends might be incapacitated or, gods forbid, dead when you arrive.
Elan: I don’t know. I just figured it would work out somehow.
Julio: A true hero makes his own luck, Elan. Here, let me show you something.
Elan: Oooooo… is that a lost tome of ancient forgotten knowledge?
Julio: Sort of. It’s an old third-party sourcebook I found gathering in the discount bin. This book changed my life, Elan. Not many know this, but I have only average Strength and Dexterity scores.
Elan: Get out! You made the list of the Top 100 Swordsmen of the Century!
Julio: True, I was #32, in fact. Not that I ever concern myself with such trivialities. At any rate, I have only this book to thank for it, not any surplus of physical prowess on my part. Open it to Page 94.
Elan: “The Dashing Swordsman.” I don’t understand.
Julio: It’s a prestige class, Elan, the one in which I have ten levels. The perfect fighting class for someone like me, who has more Charisma than strength. Perfect for me – and perfect for you!
Elan: Me? Take a prestige class? But I thought they were only for munchkins! Or maybe clerics!
Julio: Rubbish! The Dashing Swordsman class will teach you to harness your natural charm to turn you into a real bonafide wisecracking, swashbuckling, damsel-saving action hero! Among other abilities, it will allow you to substitute your Charisma bonus for your Strength bonus to damage when you wield a rapier – as long as you can make a witty pun or spout a catch-phrase when you attack.
Elan: Whoa…with this class, I could actually defeat Nale!
Julio: Exactly, my young padawan.
Elan: What’s a “padawan”?
Julio: You’re better off not knowing.

Spoiler: Strip 391

Show

Eye of the Tiger, Baby
Julio Scoundrel, Elan

Julio: Elan, are you ready to begin your training as a Dashing Swordsman? We only have to days and two nights before we’ll be at Azure City.
Elan: I’m ready, Captain Scoundrel!!
Julio: Very well. And so…it begins! You call that a winning smile? I want to see my reflection in those teeth! Parry! And thrust! And quip!
Elan: So you get my point?
Julio: AGAIN!
<sfx> wink!
Julio:Does she look like she’s swooning? DO IT AGAIN! Swing! Swing like your opening weekend box office returns depend on it! OK, good work, Elan! Good work. You are far exceeding my expectations.
Elan: Thanks! Can I ask you one question, though?
Julio: Of course.
Elan: How come we’ve only been doing this for twenty minutes, but you’ve already changed the backdrop five times and gone through three costumes?
Julio: Elan, never underestimate the strategic value of a good Training Scene Montage. It could save your life someday. Though I guess maybe I should actually teach you some of those things…

Spoiler: Strip 392

Show

Death From Above
Julio Scoundrel, Thog, Elan, Azure City Guard, Mechane Crew Member 1, Mechane Crew Member 2, Mechane Crew Member 3, Haley, Nale

Julio: Uh, Thog, is it? You know you don’t need to wear that costume anymore. We have other clothes for you.
Thog: thog like costume. Thog get in touch with inner greenness.
Julio: But…you’re green on the outside.
Thog: thog get in touch with outer greenness, too.
Julio: Elan, I have to ask: are you sure it’s a good idea to bring the half-orc with you? He may immediately side with your brother.
Elan: Yeah, I know, but he helped me escape prison, so I guess I feel like I kinda owe him.
Thog: thog looking over four-leaf clover…
Elan: Besides, I never got him a new axe, so how much damage could he really do?
Julio: I fear that perhaps you will soon know the exact answer to that question, but I suppose it’s your decision. At any rate, we near our destination. Before we arrive, I would like to present you with a gift, in honor of taking your first level of Dashing Swordsman. This +3 keen rapier was mine when I was your level. I fenced the Devil-King of Dinosaur Island with it, and I’d like you to have it.
Elan: Wow! Thanks, Captain Scoundrel! I guess since you have no children, you’re passing it on to me instead?
Julio: What, are you kidding? I have a son and/or daughter in every port on the continent, I’m just too lazy to figure out which one should get it. Now prepare yourself, Elan. Azure City is within sight!
Azure City Guard: AIRSHIP MECHANE! You are hereby ordered to land and prepare to be boarded!
<sfx> whzzzzzzzzzzzz-
Julio: Oh, right. So, now’s probably a good time to mention that I’m a wanted criminal in Azure City. I admit to nothing, but I have it on good authority that there are several attractive young heiresses in this town that are shamefully lax in securing their most valuable jewelry. Luckily, it’s nothing the Mechane can’t handle. Man the ballistae! Aft propellers to full!
Mechane Crew Member 1: Aye aye, Captain.
<sfx> waTHUNGGGG! waTHUNGGGG! whzzzzzz- waTHUNGGGG! BRRGH!!
Mechane Crew Member 2: Captain, we’ve been hit!
Julio: Oh that’s it. No one hurts my baby! Hold on tight!
<boat text> MECHANE
<sfx> whzzzzz
Mechane Crew Member 3: Alchemist’s fire, away!
<sfx> BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Elan: Are you sure that’s a good idea? They ARE the good guys, you know.
Julio: Ahhh, relax. They’ll have it fixed in a week, tops, and we won’t have to worry about it on our way out. It’s not like they’re gonna get invaded before they can repair it, you know.
<sfx> whzzzzzzzzz
Julio: Can someone get that fire put out, please? Where to?
Elan: Uh…I don’t know! They could be anywhere!
Julio: Relax…Trust your dramatic instincts, Elan. The scene calls out to you, asking you to arrive in the nick of time. You just need to feel it…
Elan: The inn! Haley’s room! There! Second floor!
Julio: Good work! Diving now!
<sign text> Inn
Julio: Well, Elan, this is where we part ways.
Elan: Wait, aren’t you coming down to help?
Julio: No, Elan, that’s not the way of the Dashing Swordsman. This is your big entrance. My place is to fly off into the night, preferably while shouting out one last kernel of wisdom.
Elan: Will I ever see you again?
Julio: Well, as an older mentor figure, the most likely scenario is that I’d return only to be randomly killed by an enemy of yours so that you can cradle my dying body while swearing revenge – so don’t take it personally if I say that I sincerely hope we never cross paths again.
Elan: Thank you, Captain Scoundrel, for everything.
Julio: Go get ‘im, kid.
Elan: C’mon, Thog! Time to go!
Thog: yay! thog coming to save you, nale!
Elan: Time to buckle our swash!
Julio: Always remember, Elan: It doesn’t matter if you win or lose – as long as you look really cool doing it!
<sfx> KEESHH!!
Elan: NALE!!!!
Thog: nale!!!
Haley: XCGH???
(H): NALE???
Nale: You know, the first two, I probably should’ve seen coming. The leprechaun costume? Not so much.
Thog: thog brought breadcrumbs!

Spoiler: Strip 393

Show

Truth
Sabine, Nale, Haley, Thog, Elan, Haley’s Self Loathing

Sabine: Nale, you worthless mortal scum!
Nale: Geez, you know, how come these plans can never unravel only a little bit at a time? Just for a change of pace?
Haley: MFGL?? P opvvlu Mgfl? Sryl!
(H): NALE?? I kissed Nale? Ugh!!
Thog: thog and nale reunion make thog so happy!
Elan: It’s over, Nale!
Nale: OK, OK, now everyone just hold on. If Elan and I are going to have our final climactic confrontation now, we’ve got to clear the room a little. Hey Thog, you know, Sabine really missed you while you were gone.
Thog: really?
Sabine: Nale, I’m gonna rip out your-
Nale: Aww, she just needs a hug!
Thog: thog miss sabine, too!
Sabine: What the-? Get away!
Thog: bull rush tackle hug!
Sabine: Oooof!
<sfx> CRASH!
Nale: There, that ought to keep them out of our hair while we finish this once and for all.
Elan: Looks like you brought a dagger to a swordfight, Nale.
Nale: Uch!
Elan: Which I’m sure Sabine has said to you in the bedroom more than once.
Nale: We’re identical twins, you moron. You just insulted yourself.
Elan: Identical? Really? ‘Cause you seem to have a few more holes in you right now.
Nale: Rrrg! When the hell did you become reasonably competent.
Elan: When I needed to save a poor girl who can’t speak right from a bastard like you!
Nale: Geez, Again! We’re TWINS, you idiot, we have the same parents! If I’m a bastard, then that means that you’re one- Wait…”can’t speak right”? So that wasn’t an obscure language she was speaking…
Elan: You, know, I learned a lot of useful skills in prison, Nale. Like how to cook… You might be familiar with out special family recipe for shish kebabs!
<sfx> shtulk!
Nale: GAAHHH! Charm-
<sfx> pow!
Nale: Guh!
<sfx> fizzle!
Elan: Served with a tall glass of punch! And extra peppers to kick it us a notch! Bam!
<sfx> whumf!
Haley: Keeeeee! Opno ypv fvv, Euugd Lcclnwpql Lgfm!
(H): Woooooo! Kick his ass, Oddly Effective Elan!
Elan: As I said, it’s over, Nale. You’re beaten. Give up.
Nale: Oh, I still have one more deception up my sleeve…Now, Haley! Sneak attack from behind!
Elan: Huh?
Haley: Ysy?
(H): Huh?
Nale: Oh my, you really haven’t realized it yet. I would have thought bursting in on the two of us “in flagrante delicto,” as it were, would have made it clear.
Elan: Made what clear??
Nale: Don’t you see, Elan? Your precious Haley is evil, just like me. She’s been working for me all along. She’s been my spy, infiltrating the Order of the Stick since before you and I even met face-to-face. I learned of you from our father, and Haley and I orchestrated events to destroy you on every possible level.
Elan: That’s silly. You can’t really expect me to believe something so-
Nale: “Needlessly complicated”?
Elan: Oh. Right.
Haley: Des’ql rew we il obuupmr al, Lgfm, des’xl mew isdpmr wypv, fxl des???
(H): You've got to be kidding me, Elan, you're not buying this, are you???
Nale: No, darling, no point in hiding our relationship now.
Elan: You can understand her?
Nale: Of course! That’s Infernal she’s been speaking – the language of the devils. Naturally, we’ve been lovers for years. That kiss was merely our evil celebration of your demise.
Elan: I…I don’t believe you. You’re lying!
Nale: Come now, the signs are obvious.
Haley: Ufam vwxfpryw, yl’v gdpmr!
(H): Damn straight, he's lying!
Nale: She can’t control her wicked lust for wealth, can she? And that dress! Is that really the dress of someone who’s NOT an evil temptress?
Haley: Yl iesryw al wypv uxlvv! Neal em, kesgu FMD keafm NYEEVL we klfx wypv wypmr?
(H): He bought me this dress! Come on, would ANY woman CHOOSE to wear this thing?
Nale: She let you rot in prison. Shouldn’t she have known? Wasn’t she the smart on in the party?
Haley: Me! P’a mew! P’a vwsjpu! P’a ve vwsjpu!
(H): No! I'm not! I'm stupid! I'm so stupid!!
Nale: Face it, Brother. This tramp has been playing you for months, you gullible sap.
Elan: Haley…This…isn’t true, right? He’s just making it up?
Haley: Ec nesxvl mew! Wepv pv fivsxu! P’a Nyfewpn Reeu! Pvy!
(H): Of course not! This is absurd! I'm Chaotic Good! Ish!
Nale: Well, I guess you have your answer there on her face. She does not look happy that I’m blowing her cover.
Haley: Kyd fxl des gpvwlmpnr we ypa?? Yl’v wyl QPGGFPM!
(H): Why are you listening to him?? He's the VILLAIN!
Haley’s Self Loathing: He’s listening to Nale because you don’t have the ability to raise any objection, you pathetic sack of crap. Should have listened to me when you had the chance.
Nale: And you, dressed up like a little hero to save the day. Too bad your princess here has been laughing at you behind your back all along.
Elan: Laughing…?
Nale: Oh yes. Laughing at you, not with you.
Haley: Me, P yfqlm’w!
(H): No, I haven’t!
Haley’s Self Loathing: Look at him, using that Bluff skill to turn Elan against us. Hey, don’t you have ranks in Bluff? It’s been so long, I barely remember.
Nale: The switch was Haley’s idea, you know. She told me she couldn’t stand to be near your incessant idiocy for one more day.
Haley: Des yfql we ilgplql al! Yl’v gdpmr!!
(H): You have to believe me! He's lying!!
Haley’s Self Loathing: Well, looks like this is it. The end. The curtain falls on your schoolgirl delusions of romance. Any hope of him loving you is shriveling up as we speak. Well, as I speak, at least.
Nale: Doesn’t that make you so…angry? (Suggestion.)
Elan: Actually, yeah! It does! I went through all this to save you, and you were a bad guy the whole time!
Haley: Kyfw?? Me! ME!!
(H): What? No! NO!!
Haley’s Self Loathing: Yup, listen to that. He’s buying it. He thinks you’re evil now. Told. You. So.
Elan: Very, very angry…
Haley’s Self Loathing: He’ll never forgive you.
Elan: You’re worse than Nale is!
Haley: P nfm’w…
(H): I can’t…
Haley’s Self Loathing: He’ll learn to hate you.
Haley: …wypmo…
(H): …think…
Elan: I never want to see you-
Haley: P nfm’w gevl ypa…
(H): I can’t lose him…
Haley’s Self Loathing: And then he’ll leave.
Haley: P-P wyesryw…
(H): I-I thought…
Haley’s Self Loathing: Just like everyone else-
Haley: P wyesryw-
(H): I thought-
Elan: Angry enough to kill, even…
Haley I THOUGHT HE WAS YOU! I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I THOUGHT I WAS KISSING YOU!!
<sfx> snap!

Spoiler: Strip 394

Show

Hell Hath Exactly As Much Fury
Elan, Nale, Thog, Sabine

Elan: You’re… you’re fixed!
Nale: Well, I would have given myself better than even offs that I could make him stab her at least once before snapping out of it, but I still know a good distraction when I see it. Villain exits, stage right.
Thog: all thog’s family back together!
Nale: Oh. Right. Forgot about this part.
Sabine: Nale, you treacherous weasel! I saw you and that skank in the restaurant, and now here you are, in her room. And that dress she’s wearing!
Nale: No, baby, it’s not what you think!
Sabine: I think it’s exactly what I think! You were going to kill her.
Nale: I was going to KILL her. Wait…you already knew I wasn’t trying to sleep with her?
Sabine: Come on, I wasn’t born last century. You’re carrying our sacrificial dagger and you somehow coaxed her into a dress with clear access to her sternum. Of course you were planning on killing her. What steams my cheese is that you know I wanted to kill the girl myself, and went behind my back! And don’t’ give me that “First alone, first killed,” line, either, because the elf is sitting all alone in the bar right now.
Nale: Sabine, baby, you’ve got it all wrong… She was going to be a gift for you!
Sabine: …Really?
<cutaway>
Nale: <voiceover> Absolutely! I was going to subdue her and tie her up, so we could sacrifice her together when you got back. Check in out room, I lift the bottle of wine there for later.
<sfx> clink!
Sabine: Hmmm…all right. I’ll forgive you, this time. Let’s just get in there and slaughter both of them and get this whole nasty thing behind us.
Nale: The make-up killing is the best part of any fight.
Thog: thog help, too!
Nale: So…you really wouldn’t have been upset if I had been seducing her?
Sabine: Nale, sugar, I’m literally an evil incarnation of illicit sex, do I seem like I would get hung up on who you sleep with? Heck, I had sex four times while I was away.
Nale: You – you were gone for three hours!
Sabine: yeah, well, I had errands to run, too.

Spoiler: Strip 395

Show

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Elan, Haley

Elan: Haley! You can speak again!
Haley: Yeah, but, uh…I, errr…the thing is, um…
Elan: Or not?
Haley: Hey, uh, no, Elan, I can speak… but um, did you by any chance actually hear what I said a moment ago? I mean maybe you were shocked by me regaining my speech that you didn’t really pay attention to the words? Maybe?
Elan: Oh, no. First, you said that when you were kissing Nale, you thought you were kissing me, strongly implying that you would have kissed me voluntarily. Which you then supported by saying that you were in love with me. Then you repeated the part about thinking Nale was me.
Haley: Lovely. The one time one of us succeeds at a Listen check… So, wow, that evil nale, huh? We really should go get him, right?
Elan: Oh! Right! I got totally distracted by the whole, “You explicitly stating that you’re in love with me,” thing.
Haley: *sigh* I should get my bow and don my armor.
Elan: Well, the armor, I can agree with, but who’s this “Don” guy?
Haley: Just – just wait here, I’ll change in the bathroom. It’ll take one minute. OK, Haley, you’ve managed to stall the issue. You’ve got time to think. Now what the heck are you going to say next? Do you Bluff your way out of it? Or do you admit that yes, you’re in love with him? On one hand, telling the truth goes against everything you were raised to believe as a rogue. On the other hand, did you see how hot he looks in those new clothes? I mean, damn Maybe you could say it was just atmospheric interference? Or mind control, that always works well. Or maybe say that you were still speaking gibberish, it was just gibberish that happened to sound exactly like a confession of love. I mean, it is Elan, he’d buy it. Ugh, Haley, you stupid little girl. That’s how you get into these messes in the first place. For once, be a woman and take some darn responsibility for your- Wait. Am I saying all of this out loud? Crap, I am! Stupid speech impediment, I forgot how to use thought balloons! Uh, hey, Elan? Did you happen to make any more Listen checks while I was in there?
Elan: No, not really. I had other stuff on my mind. Sabine’s boot for example.

Spoiler: Strip 396

Show

The Door Knocks on YOU
Haley, Elan, Nale, Thog

Haley: You know, I had a lot of time while I couldn’t speak to think about my life. And more than anything else, I found that I really missed saying just three little words that meant so much to me, personally.
<sfx> whumpf!!
Haley: SNEAK ATTACK – BITCH!
Elan: C’mon, Nale, don’t be a Sword Loser!
Nale: Ugh, that was horrible! I swear, I’m going to kill you, then pay a cleric to raise you, and kill you again, just to make you pay for the puns!
Thog: thog arrived.
Haley: Elan, watch out for Thog!
Elan: It’s OK, Haley, he’s not armed!
Thog: thog improvise!
Elan: Wow, I guess half-orcs really WERE designed for “kick-in-the-door” style… Thog, wait! Think for a minute. Didn’t we have fun dressing up in costumes and stuff together? You don’t really want to hurt me, do you? No matter what Nale says?
Thog: thog not want to hurt not-nale. thog like not-nale. thog want all thog’s friends to get ice cream together.
Elan: Right! We can all have fun togeth-
<sfx> WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!
Thog: yay! now ice cream!
Nale: Every once in a while, he reminds me why we hang out with him.
Haley: I like it better when no one remembered I was still in this comic.

Spoiler: Strip 397

Show

Leggo My Ego!
Vaarsuvius, Belkar, Durkon, Thog, Nale, Elan

Vaarsuvius: While I enjoy the work of Judy Garland as much as does the next elf, I think perhaps we should see Miss Starshine for some well-tied restraints. A gag, in particular.
Belkar: <singing> If you like-a me like I like-a you…
Vaarsuvius: Whatever enchantment Belkar is under, it seems resistant to my attempts to dispel it.
Durkon: Aye, especially considerin’ how ye rolled a natural 2 on yer Dispel Magic check.
(D): Yes, especially considering how you rolled a natural 2 on your Dispel Magic check.
Vaarsuvius: At least I managed to have the spell prepared.
Durkon: Haley? Lass? We need a bit o’ yer- Thor’s Duodenum! The Linear Guild! I’ll help Haley, ye deal with tha twins!
(D): Haley? Lass? We need a bit of your- Thor’s Duodenum! The Linear Guild! I’ll help Haley, you deal with the twins!
Thog: thog scared!
Nale: Vaarsuvius, I’m glad you’re here! Look, it’s Nale! Blast him to bits!
Elan: No, I’m Elan! He’s Nale! Blast HIM!
Vaarsuvius: Ah, a set of identical twins, each claiming to be the “good” one. A classic of the genre.
Nale: There’s only one way to settle this: Blast us both. It’s the only way to be sure you get Nale.
Elan: Oh, come on! That’s such a cliché, even for this comic! The twin that suggests that they both be killed is the good twin, because the evil twin wouldn’t be selfless enough to die to make sure the other one did too. It’s like, the oldest trick in the book.
Vaarsuvius: I tend to agree. Elan would be familiar with the trope as a result of his bardic training…while Nale would recognize it on the account of it being a fairly dull and predictable plot turn.
Elan: Huh?
Vaarsuvius: Well, surely, you both must realize that Nale’s stratagems to date have been tedious, unoriginal, and lacking in any truly keen insight. For a self-proclaimed “evil genius”, his schemes have certainly not required any great intellect in their conception.
Nale: Oh yeah? So, what, you think you could have come up with something more clever than Nale did?
Vaarsuvius: Apparently.

Spoiler: Strip 398

Show

We All Just Want to be Held Sometimes
Sabine, Durkon, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Thog

Sabine: See, now, this is more what I had in mind. Just me, you, and your rapidly diminishing life energy.
Durkon: Hey, Sabine! I’ve owed ye this fer a long time!
(D): Hey, Sabine! I’ve owed you this for a long time!
Sabine: Oh, how cute. The little dwarf has a little hammer. Tell me, holy man, do you actually think your pathetic weapon can really hurt me?
Durkon: No. I do think it can still cause ye ta be flanked, though.
(D): No. I do think it can still cause you to be flanked, though.
Haley: I said, “Sneak Attack!” “BITCH!”
<sfx> schlurkt! schlurkt!
Sabine: AAAAH!
Durkon: Good job, lass, she’s down fer the count. Lemme heal ye up before- Did ye say-
(D): Good job, lass, she’s down for the count. Let me heal you up before- Did you say-
Haley: Oh, sorry, I know I shouldn’t use the “b” word. My bad.
Durkon: YE CAN TALK!!!
(D): YOU CAN TALK!!!
Haley: Ha ha ha!
Vaarsuvius: Excuse me, but did I just hear Master Thundershield incorrectly, or did he just say-
Haley: That I can talk? Yeah, he did.
Vaarsuvius: My most sincere congratulations, Miss Starshine!
Durkon: I knew ye had it in ye!
(D): I knew you had it in you!
Haley: Thanks, guys.
Thog: group hug!
Durkon: Hold Person

Spoiler: Strip 399

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Death Actually IS Too Good For Them
Elan, Durkon, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Nale, Leekey, Pompey

Elan: Hooray! The Order of the Stick wins the day over the evil Linear Guild! XP for everyone!
Durkon: I guess now we need ta figure out what ta do wit ‘em.
(D): I guess now we need to figure out what to do with them.
Elan: Oh. Right.
Durkon: Should we return ‘em ta Cliffport ta stand trial fer their crimes?
(D): Should we return them to Cliffport to stand trial for their crimes?
Elan: No way!! If I can break out of that prison, so can Nale. And he’d kill a whole bunch of innocent guards on his way out.
Durkon: Well, we cannae just keep ‘em captives ourselves, we’d mess it up sooner or later…
(D): Well, we can’t just keep them captives ourselves, we’d mess it up sooner or later…
Haley: Right, so maybe we-
Vaarsuvius: Excuse me! Excuse me for one moment! While I would normally be downright gleeful at the prospect of an intellectual discussion without the halfling’s proverbial two copper pieces, I feel that perhaps his unique viewpoint might actually be relevant to this question. Namely, would it not just be wiser to execute all three of them and be done with it?
Haley: Sh’yeah, right. If you want to be fighting them again in a few dozen strips.
Vaarsuvius: Explain that conclusion, please.
Haley: Nale is really, really good at putting together teams of bad people that listen to him, even when it’s not in their own best interest. If we kill Nale, all he needs is for Hilgya or Zz’dtri or someone we don’t’ even know about to drum up the cash for a True Resurrection spell, and BAM! Nale’s back in business and there’s not a lot we could have done. I mean, there’s probably some ubermagic that would bind his soul or something…but that’s kinda on the Evil side of the street if you ask me.
Vaarsuvius: And what, exactly, would the problem with that be? I did SAY that I was representing the halfling’s viewpoint in this.
Haley: Even if we did stop Nale from being raised, what about Sabine? She’s an outsider. Kill her, and she just returns to the Lower Planes and rematerializes down there. I think. Honestly, I don’t really know how that works, I think they keep changing it.
Vaarsuvius: I see. So we have no options that will not result in near-immediate freedom for a trio of enemies that has proven willing to devote enormous amounts of time and energy towards engineering a victory over us, personally? Adding once again to the ever-growing roster of forces harboring vaguely-defined plans that involve our deaths. Maybe we could get a few of our recurring villains to fight one another, to thin the herd? I would hap a handsome sum to see the Linear Guild and that paladin battle for our amusement. Perhaps in some manner of gladiatorial arena…
Elan: THAT’S IT! Vaarsuvius, you’re a genius!
Vaarsuvius: Oh? Then I shall book the arena…
Elan: My gift certificate from Lord Shojo! We may not be able to get Miko to beat up Nale, but we CAN get the Sapphire guard to hold him for us! When we first came to Azure City, they stuck us in those antimagic cells. I’ll ask Shojo to hold Nale, Sabine, and Thog in there until we can come up with a better plan.
Vaarsuvius: Hmmm…antimagic would nullify most of Sabine’s natural powers, as well as Nale’s ability to enchant others.
Durkon: We’re supposed ta have a meetin’ wit Shojo in tha mornin’. We can guard ‘em ourselves until then.
(D): We’re supposed to have a meeting with Shojo in the morning. We can guard them ourselves until then.
Haley: Great! So do we have a plan?
Elan: Sounds like!
Vaarsuvius: Agreed.
Elan: Wow…it’s so weird to have my ideas actually listened to…
Haley: Tell me about it.
Nale: <thinking> Fools! None of you realize that even as you blather on, my minions are out there, waiting to rescue me. Even a thousand paladins won’t stop my loyal servants from finding and releasing us from your antimagic cells. All I need to do is wait for them. Soon, I shall be free, and then your doom will be-
<flashback>
Leeky: Thanks for the help. Have you ever considered employment as a cohort? I can promise a good health plan and you would get to work outdoors.
Pompey: I suppose not warning Nale about his brother’s jailbreak will serve as my two weeks’ notice.

Spoiler: Strip 400

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Your Ship Has Come In
Elan, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Haley

Elan: Don’t worry, Door, this won’t hurt a bit! Mending!
Durkon: V an’ I’ll guard Nale an’ tha rest in my room tonight, ye try ta get some rest. We dinnae want ye slippin’ back inta gibberish ‘fore mornin’!
(D): Vaarsuvius and I shall guard Nale and the rest in my room tonight, you try to get some rest. We don’t want you slipping back into gibberish before morning!
Vaarsuvius: Indeed, We still do not know why your condition reversed itself, which may present a danger of relapse.
Haley: Yeah, uh…I actually think I’m pretty sure I know what did the trick.
Elan: Woooo! Door is fixed! All hail Door, King of Doorland! Go Elan! Go Elan! I’m useful! Not-nale nailed Nale, and nails! Boo ya!
Vaarsuvius: Ah. I see. Well, we shall take the Linear Guild and leave you to rest nonetheless.
Durkon: Huh? I dinnae get it…
(D): Huh? I don’t get it…
Vaarsuvius: I’ll explain in the corridor.
Haley: Uh, wait, Elan? I think…I think we need to talk.
Elan: OK, Haley. ‘Bout what?
Haley: Look, Elan…about what I said…when I first got my speech back. Oh boy, this is…hard… You see, I didn’t know that…I didn’t know that you were going to understand that when I said it. It’s not that…um, see, the thing is that I get that maybe you weren’t exactly expecting that. And it may have made you, uh, uncomfortable. And I’m really sorry, you know, about surprising you that way. But, we need to work together. This whole “defeat Xykon and save the world,” thing is a lot more important than any…tension…there might end up being between us. Therefore, I think the best thing to do is just put it behind us and act like adventuring professionals. We’re both adults, ostensibly, so while it may make things a bit awkward, I don’t see any…uh, any reason…any reason why we can’t just…forget it ever… What are you…
Elan: Wanna make out?
Haley: …OK
<sign text> Inn

Spoiler: Strip 401

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Breakfast of Champions
Rooster 1, Rooster 2, Roy, Hotel Staff, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Haley, Roy, Hotel Manager

Rooster 1: ****-a-doodle-doo!
Rooster 2: You're not my real dad.
<cutaway>
Roy: Oh, man! That was just fantastic. I don't think I've ever felt more rested. Hmmm, I can never remember if the big boot goes on the left or the right... I swear, between standing watch, nightly visits with my Dad, and my time with Celia, I can't remember the last time I got a full night's sleep in a bed. Not that the Celia part was at all bad. Or entirely in a bed, for that matter. Heh. OK, seriously, Roy, rest time is over. We've been dragging our feet for too long, it's time we finally got something accomplished!
Hotel Staff: Joining us for breakfast, sir?
Roy: Absolutely.
Hotel Staff: Right this way. Watch your step.
Durkon: Hasn't tha Charm Person spell worn off Belkar by now?
(D): Hasn't the Charm Person spell worn off Belkar by now?
Vaarsuvius: Yes. Yes, it certainly has.
Belkar: Mmrmmph!
Haley: I'm glad I can finally speak again, so that I can tell you how good you look in your new clothes.
Elan: Really? 'Cause I had to steal them after I broke out of prison.
Haley: My gods, that makes them even hotter!
<sfx> smooch! smooch!
<cutaway>
Hotel Manager: Sir, we've checked three times. There are no magical portals under your bed that lead to an alternate universe where long-running subplots get resolved.
Roy: No, no, see, this IS the alternate universe, I need to find the way back home to the real world. Actually, wait - never mind, stop looking.

Spoiler: Strip 402

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Speaking From the Heart
Roy, Vaarsuvius, Belkar, Durkon, Elan, Haley

Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, did you just spontaneously switch to speaking Elven or something? Because it sounded like you just said, "And then Elan easily bested Nale in swordplay," but that's obviously not what you meant.
Vaarsuvius: As much as it strains credibility, it is true. While I did not witness it myself, Miss Starshine confirmed that his performance was quite unexpectedly proficient. Nale was able to escape amidst some sort of confusion, but the most timely arrival of Master Thundershield and myself set things aright.
Roy: So what happened between Elan and Haley? They were all over each other throughout breakfast.
Vaarsuvius: On that subject, my data is admittedly far less concrete. Suffice to say that I believe her attraction to our friendly bard has been acknowledged - by both of them - and heartily reciprocated. I further surmise that Miss Starshine's return to the ranks of those capable of using language is tenuously related to these events, though the exact details elude me.
Roy: So now, what, they're boyfriend-girlfriend? Like THAT won't be weird?
Vaarsuvius: Apparently. As you saw, they left the breakfast table with great haste, as if they could not bear to wait to be alone.
Belkar: Wooooo! Somebody look up the Armor Class on the Beast with Two Backs! Awww, yeah!
Durkon: An' he wonders why we consid'red keepin' 'im gagged...
(D): And he wonders why we considered keeping him gagged...
<cutaway>
Elan: I was surprised by how much I missed you...I never thought we'd be separated like that.
Haley: It's been so long since I could speak to you. I was beginning to think you'd never hear my words again.
Elan: I was scared of what Nale might do to you. It made me so mad to think of him putting his hands on you.
Haley: I was so scared that you would leave without ever hearing how much you really mean to me.
Elan: All that's over now, though. We're together again, and we're gonna have so much fun!
Haley: Things will be different now, sure, but some things never change.
Elan: Let's never be apart again.
Haley: Would you like to hear a lullaby? I know how it helps you sleep.
<can text> Polish
<sfx> bling!

Spoiler: Strip 403

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Leadership Is About the Tough Decisions
Hinjo, Roy, Guard, Illusory Belkar, Belkar, Elan, O-Chul, Shojo, Mr. Scruffy

Hinjo: Morning!
Roy: Hey, Hinjo.
Hinjo: What brings you to the castle today? I didn't even know you were still in town.
Roy: Here to see your uncle.
Hinjo: Ah, of course. This would be about what's been going on with your imprisoned friend, Belkar, right?
Roy: Uh...maybe. Why, what's going on with him?
Hinjo: The guards tell me he's been on a hunger strike. He hasn't eaten one bite since we locked up three weeks ago.
<cutaway>
Guard: Please, just eat something.
Illusory Belkar: Forceful assertion of open resentment toward authority.
Guard: Help me help you!
Illusory Belkar: Please view accompanying hand gesture.
<cutback>
Belkar: That Belkar. As stubborn as he is stone cold sexy.
Hinjo: Uh, right. Anyway, if you could find time to talk to him, that would be great. He may be a prisoner, but we don't want him to starve. Anyway, have fun, I'm needed out by the front gate to the city. Some jackass pirate buzzed the walls and took out three catapults.
Elan: I'm sure whoever it was had a really good reason and is really, really sorry.
Roy: Hey, we're here to see Lord Shojo. We're his 10 o'clock.
O-Chul: I'm sorry, Lord Shojo is not to be disturbed right now.
Roy: But we have an appointment! Check the list.
Belkar: Look under “Order of the Stick and mysteriously cloaked stranger who is totally NOT a Halfling on stilts."
O-Chul:Be that as it may, Lord Shojo is unavailable. There is an
unexpected situation that requires his immediate attention, and a
difficult decision that needs to be made. He requested that all visitors
be turned away until the current emergency has been resolved.
Roy: What sort of emergency? Could we help?
O-Chul:I assume whatever it is to be of critical importance and dire
urgency if he is-
Shojo: Now come on, Mr. Scruffy, you need to choose. Do you want yummy
chicken liver, or a scrumptious tuna feast?
Mr. Scruffy:Meow.
Shojo: Tuna it is.
O-Chul:*sigh* Crisis averted. You may enter.
Roy: We've never met before, and yet I feel an odd spiritual kinship.

Spoiler: Strip 404

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A Paladin's Duty
Elan, Haley, Shojo, Roy, O-Chul, Mr. Scruffy

Elan: ...but it would be much better if you could hold them in those fancy anti-magic cells you got.
Haley: Oh, but you might want to put better locks on the cell doors. The ones you have can be picked. I mean, theoretically.
Shojo: Very well. In return for your service, Elan, I will imprison your twin brother and his two minions.
Elan: Great! Durkon and Vaarsuvius are guarding them back at the inn. Haley and I can show you where.
Haley: Not that I, nor anyone I know can pick a lock.
Roy: Both of you need to show them? Ugh, don't tell me you two are going to stop at the inn to fool around before coming back?
Haley: OK. We won't tell you.
Shojo: O-Chul! Come in here for a minute?
O-Chul:Am I to fetch the catnip, Master?
Shojo: Don't be silly, it's far too early in the day for that. Follow this lad back to his inn and bring the prisoners he has there to the anti-magic cells.
O-Chul:As you command, Master. Shall I inform the magistrate, so that their trial can be scheduled?
Elan: Trial??
Shojo: Oh, no, no need for that. Come to think of it, there's no need to write their names down in the prison records either. I don't anyone knowing that they're even here.
O-Chul: Uh, sir...no disrespect intended, Master, but I am not certain I am entirely comfortable with what-
Shojo: Look, O-Chul, I have two tasks that need to be completed. One involves three prisoners whose very existence is now a state secret. The other involves cleaning up what came out of my cat's butt this morning. And Mr. Scruffy had a very upset tummy last night, didn't he? Didn't he?
Mr. Scruffy: meow...
O-Chul: My dignity may be at -9 hp and bleeding, but I have to draw the line somewhere.
Elan: <whispering> do you want to tell him about Thog's "accident" or should I?

Spoiler: Strip 405

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The Secrets
Roy, Shojo, Belkar, Hinjo, Miko

Roy: So, not that Nale doesn't deserve to be locked up pretty much forever, but doesn't it worry you that your guy there seemed kinda upset about the whole "indefinite imprisonment" thing?
Shojo: Hmmm? Oh, yes, well, O-Chul can be like that.
Roy: Really? Gosh, a paladin is curious about whether the laws are being upheld? Who'd guess?
Shojo: Don't get preachy, kid. You and your Order of the Stick are in just as deep as I am.
Roy: Hey, you're the one swindling your own followers. It doesn't affect me one way or the other. Oh? Two words: Your trial. You were found innocent of weakening the fabric of the universe primarily because I went through a lot of trouble to stage a fake trial for the paladins. Heck, I even went so far as to have the verdict handed down by your own father! If you want to have a Lawful-to-Lawful conversation with O-Chul about the applicability of the laws of Azure City, be my guest. I don't
think it will end well for you, though.
Roy: OK, OK, geez! I just don't want us to get careless. Try ratcheting down the paranoia a little there...
Shojo: Paranoia? I rule a city where I have to fake senility just to avoid being assassinated. I took Improved Paranoia like 5 levels ago. How about your, Belkar? Any complaints to lodge about how I handle my paladins?
Belkar: Dude, you order paladins to clean the litter box. You're like, my idol.
Shojo: Hmmmm. That's not exactly reassuring. So, are you ready to head out to check Girard's Gate yet?
Roy: Well there was the issue of the dead wizard you threw at me.
Shojo: Oh, right. The clerics should be on their way there now to raise him. Remember, whatever you learn at Girard's Gate, you cannot tell any of the paladins. Not even my nephew.
Roy: Blah, blah blah, crazy oath forbids anyone in the Sapphire Guard from doing exactly what you hired us to do. Got it.
Shojo: Hey, a pointless promise by a guy who's been dead for decades may not mean much to you or I, but it means a lot to the paladins, so try to remember. Don't let me down, Greenhilt. I went through a lot of trouble to get you here to Azure City behind the collective backs of my loyal paladins...I'd hate to think all those perfectly good lies were for naught.
<cutaway>
Hinjo: Did you-
Miko: I heard.

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 406 to 420
Book 3: War and Xps
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 406

Show

A Moment of Truth
Hinjo, Shojo, Roy, Belkar, Miko

Hinjo: Uncle. Is this true? Have you been lying to us?
Shojo: Hinjo?? What are you doing back here so soon?
Hinjo: I was at the gate when Miko returned, insisting to speak with you immediately. Now answer my question, please.
Shojo: Uh, Mr. Scruffy says-
Hinjo: Drop the act and answer the question!
Shojo: Well, it all depends.
Hinjo: On what could it possibly depend?
Shojo: On how much you just overheard. Did you come in before or after the part about the oath?
Hinjo: I can't believe this! Were you ever going to tell me?
Shojo: At this point, I don't think it would matter if I said, "Yes."
Roy: I'm gonna suggest we try not to get too involved here.
Belkar: Oh yeah, total Prime Directive situation. Plus, it'll be more fun to watch.
Shojo: Look, Hinjo, I value the paladins and their contribution to this city. But you have to understand...in order to do what is best for the entire city, I sometimes need to take...unpopular actions. Actions that I know conflict with the paladin code.
Hinjo: And in those cases, the most expedient path is to simply not inform us. The ends justify the means, is that it?
Shojo: Frankly, yes.
Hinjo: You have brought disgrace to our name, Uncle. I am glad Mother did not live to see this day.
Shojo: Oh, grow up, Hinjo! My sister was the daughter of a great leader, she would have understood all to well that I don't have the luxury of putting Soon Kim's obsolete morality ahead of the safety of the city. It's all well and good for you paladins to stick to your convictions, but if I make a mistake, half a million citizens pay for it.
Hinjo: I'm not going to debate ethics with you, Uncle. You knew what you were doing was wrong, or you wouldn't have hidden it so thoroughly. To think of all the nights I prayed in the temple for you to recover from your mental affliction. I guess my prayers must have been very powerful,
seeing as how they apparently cured you retroactively.
Shojo: Hinjo, please, I wanted to tell you about that, but-
Hinjo: Save it for the magistrates. It will be up to the courts to decide what happens next.
Miko: Oh, Hinjo. The courts? You don't see it, do you? I remember the
day you chose me to come to the castle. I was still a child, but you told me you saw power in me.
Shojo: Miko...
Miko: I cried the first night away from the dojo, but you came and told me that the gods needed my strength. That now I served the gods, that we did their work here. What I want to know is this: Had you already begun to betray us the? Was even one word you ever spoke to me the truth?
Hinjo: Uh, Miko, I think "betray" is a little strong. He may have broken our laws, but-
Miko: It's OK, Hinjo. I know you don't see the Big Picture here. Allow me to show you. He has been playing both sides of the chess board, and we have been pawns to be sacrificed. He's been laughing at us behind out backs, making secret deals with mercenaries, ghosts, and murderers to
undermine the security of Azure City.
Belkar: Did she just call me a ghost?
Shojo: Miko, I admit I may have made some questionable choices, but it's all been for the greater... Wait - security? What are you babbling about?
Miko: Right now, less than a day's march away, the lich Xykon is leading an army of tens of thousands of hobgoblins here to conquer us all!
Shojo: What?!?
Hinjo: Impossible! The early waning beacons-
Miko: -were destroyed, one by one, before any warning could be sent. Convenient, no? Of course, you already knew that, Shojo, because you're working with HIM! Greenhilt! And we all know that he's working for Xykon!
Roy: I am??
Belkar: Oh, man, have you been holding out on me? Because seriously, if you've been Evil this whole time-
Roy: You're accepting as credible a theory that came out of Miko's mouth.
Belkar: Oh. Right.
Miko: I heard what you said before we entered. You think the paladins are a nuisance to you, and justice an inconvenience.
Shojo: Sure, it would be easier to rule if I didn't have to clear everything with the paladins, but that's-
Miko: How much easier, then, if you could rule the city directly with an iron fist - an army of hobgoblin soldiers standing at the ready to exterminate your enemies among the nobles? Remove us paladins and what would there be to stop you?
Shojo: What are you implying?
Miko: I imply nothing! I state openly that you, Shojo, have committed treason against Azure City by conspiring with the Order of the Stick, known minions of Xykon, to first deceive and then destroy the
Sapphire Guard!
Belkar: Damn it, I get left out of the loop on everything!
Roy: We didn't actually do that, Belkar. It's like she has that Monk class ability that lets you jump as far as you want, only for her, it applies to conclusions.
Shojo: Miko, I have worried about your stability before, but this is too much. You can't really believe that, can you?
Miko: I have heard the proof with my own ears. You stood here and asked a vile assassin like the Halfling whether he approved of your actions.
Shojo: Good gods, they can teach you how to detect Evil, but not sarcasm??
Miko: Your deceptions are now exposed! You have lied to us for the last time!
Hinjo: Whoa, whoa, Miko, let's calm down here. We officially don't have time for this anymore. Look, we have the magistrates place Shojo under arrest. Like, maybe AFTER the giant unstoppable invasion force of Pure Evil is dealt with? Call me wacky, but that seems like the more pressing
issue on the table now.
Miko: Unacceptable. Everyone in this room but you and I are agents of Evil, whether or not their alignment registers as such. They have already rigged one trial, we cannot take the chance that they do so again.
Hinjo: Miko, listen to me. This is a very serious charge, and I think we should take time to consider it properly.
Belkar: Yeah, to consider all the ways you've fallen completely off your rocker.
Roy: You're not helping.
Belkar: Didn't think I was.
Miko: NO! No more compromises, no more delays, no more backing down before the battle is won! I see who the true enemy is now, and he has been in front of us the entire time. Hinjo, I hope that someday you have a spiritual awakening as I have had. A moment when you suddenly see
everything clearly and all enemies stand revealed.
<flashback>
Miko: <voiceover> I prayed to the Twelve Gods to reveal unto me all who betray us - and they delivered me to the throne room doorway just in time to hear your uncle confess his sins to his wretched accomplices.
Miko: Allow me to see through their lies to the truth.
<end flashback>
Miko: How could it NOT be a sign? The gods have shown me the truth. Now the path is clear.
Hinjo: Miko, you're scaring me. The laws say-
Miko: The laws have no meaning! They were rewritten by the enemy himself over his 47 years on the throne!
Shojo: Ugh!
Miko: Only Honor and the will of gods matter now! As the highest-ranking paladin in the Sapphire Guard, I find you guilty of Treason!
Shojo: Everything I did, I did for my people.
Hinjo: MIKO! NO!
Roy: Oh. Oh crap.
Belkar: She wouldn't...

Spoiler: Strip 407

Show

Fading
Miko, Shojo

<sfx> rumble rumble rumble ooooooooooooooooo!
Miko: AAAARRGGHH!!!
<sfx> thunk!
Shojo: It appears...not everyone agrees with your...analysis.

Spoiler: Strip 408

Show

Fallsville, Population: 1
Belkar, Hinjo, Miko, Roy

Belkar: YOU KILLED THE WACKY OLD DUDE WITH THE CAT?!?!?
Hinjo: Uncle!!
Miko: I don't...I don't understand!
Belkar: I mean, I actually LIKED that guy! He made fun of Roy right to his face!
Roy: Remember when I suggested that we not get involved? Change of plans. Let's get involved.
Belkar: As much as it gives me the tingles when you go all badass, I can't really help you there, Roy. No thanks to you, I still can't inflict wounds inside the borders of a city, remember? Unless you're
suggesting that I tackle her with my imposing 3'2" physique. Because a defensive back, I ain't.
Miko: How could this happen? It all made sense, for the first time in years. The gods showed me his treachery...How??
Roy: Here's a thought: Who the hell cares? All that matters to me right now is that you just killed the only other person who was actively trying to fix this stupid end-of-the-world thing. Which means I am kicking your Fallen ass RIGHT NOW!
Miko: Aaaaah!! YOU! Of course! It's all YOUR fault!
Roy: Yeah, I should never have said, "Kill your master," when we were playing Truth or Dare. What was I thinking?
Miko: You tricked me! You staged all of this so that I would strike down my Lord!
<sfx> slash! slash! slash!
Roy: Wow, Miko Miyazaki ignoring all possibilities in order to arrive at a preconceived conclusion that happens to support her existing emotional state. Who could have possibly seen THAT coming?
<sfx>THUNK!
Miko: If I bring you to justice, the gods will see that I have always been their servant.
<sfx> clatang!
Roy: You feel free to give that a try. Of course, the last two times we fought, I was using a nonmagical club instead of my ancestral weapon. Oh, and you hadn't bisected any unarmed octogenarians recently, so that's changed, too.
<sfx> SHPLURTCH!
Miko: No! This isn't fair! I have to... I have to think. I need time to figure out what the gods want me to do next.
Roy: I can't believe I actually wanted to date you at one point. Can you imagine that relationship? "Honey, we're out of milk." "Clearly, that means the gods want me to kill you!" Slash! Slash! Slash! On the other hand, maybe all of this could have been avoided if you had just managed to get laid once in a while. You can't even tell me you'd be this tightly wound if you were receiving Treasure Type O regularly.
<sfx> CLANG!
Roy: Although which paladin they'd have to draft into that duty-
<sfx> POW!
Roy: UGH!
Miko: STOP TALKING!
Roy: Whoa... How'd she get the room to spin like that? Must be a Monk thing... Aw, man, she's getting away! Belkar, stop her!!!
Belkar: You know, Roy, I was just thinking. You and Shojo are pretty smart guys, right? So maybe the "Mark of Justice" is just an illusion, and it's all a trick to keep me in line. You know, make me think I'll
become incapacitated if I attack so that I'm too scared to ever try it, but I can't ever find a way to get rid of it because it's not really there. I'm just bringing this up because if that's the case - now might
be a good time to let me know. No, really, Roy, now's the time. Roy? Crap.

Spoiler: Strip 409

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Intercession
Miko, Belkar, Hinjo, Roy

Miko: At least I will be able to finally execute you for your crimes before I leave.
Belkar: Funny, I always figured I'd be killed by a paladin.
Miko: DIE!
Hinjo: No.
<sfx> CLANNGGG!!
Miko: You would stand between me and this evil murderer?
Hinjo: I'll stand between any two murderers I wish, thanks.
Belkar: Oooo, burned!
Roy: Hinjo, I've-
Hinjo: Stay out of this, Roy. We need to talk this out, not batter it into submission. Both of you, stand aside.
Belkar: Hey, don't feel bad, Roy, I thought you were awesome. "Treasure Type O"...heh heh heh.
Roy: ...Shut up.
Hinjo: Now stand down, Miko. You're under arrest.
Miko: But- But the Halfling is far worse than-
Hinjo: He's under arrest, too. Belkar is an accused murderer – emphasis on "accused" - and will be put on trial for such. Because we have the rule of law in this city, and the rule of law says you don't get to kill people because they happen to do something wrong.
Miko: Then arrest Greenhilt as well! The Order of the Stick did this, I am sure of it!
Hinjo: Oh? Explain how.
Miko: ...I don't know! But they tricked Lord Shojo into saying those things!
Hinjo: Miko, even if Roy planned an executed an elaborate scenario where he managed to manipulate Shojo into admitting to crimes of which he was not guilty - which I find highly unlikely - his hands were still not the ones on the sword that sliced through my uncle. Yours? Were. To my knowledge, Roy hasn't actually done anything wrong other than breaking an oath he never made. And maybe enjoying the beating he just gave you a little more than is entirely healthy.
Miko: But...he was in league with Shojo! They were working together to...to...
Hinjo: I thought you just said Roy tricked Shojo?
Miko: He did!
Hinjo: Listen, Miko. I heard the same things you did, and I managed to restrain myself from executing my liege. Isn't it worth considering that maybe you made a bad judgment call here? It happens. They wouldn't have an Atonement spell if it didn't need to be used once in a while. Now
come on, Miko. Let me worry about Roy now. It's over. Give me your katana.
Miko: I'm so...confused...
Hinjo: You'll have time to pray to the gods for guidance.
Miko: NO! I will not submit to your tainted courts!
<sfx> SLASH!
Hinjo: AAAA!
Miko: The gods have a plan for me, I know it! I am special, the most powerful paladin In the Sapphire Guard! They wouldn't do this to ME without a reason, I just need to figure out what it is!
<sfx> slash! slash! slash!
Hinjo: Geez, are you even listening to yourself anymore? You've lost it, Miko! Stop this and come along quietly, and perhaps the gods will forgive you some day.
<sfx> KLATANG!
Miko: Step aside, Hinjo! Allow me to pursue the holy plan the gods have for me.
Hinjo: I'm pretty sure their plan involves a 10x10 windowless cell with a bucket for a toilet.
Miko: You may be the second most powerful paladin in the Guard, Hinjo, but you know you are still no match for me in battle. Do not force me to kill you!
Hinjo: Why not? At least I won't have to listen to this garbage you call logic.
Miko: As you wish, then. We duel in silence!
<sfx> clang! woosh! ****ch! shuuurk! slash! clang! slash! slash! slash! slash! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH!
Roy: Oh, screw this!
<sfx> POW! THUD! WHUMPH!
Roy: Oh, I'm sorry...is NOW a good time for battering things into submission? I just want to be clear on the rules here, since I'm just a big dumb fighter.
<sfx> thunk.

Spoiler: Strip 410

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The New Lord in Town
Azure City Priest, Belkar, Hinjo, Roy

Azure City Priest: Resurrect! I am sorry, Lord Shojo, perhaps you did not hear me properly. I said, "Resurrect!" Lord Hinjo, I do not understand. The spell is functioning properly, but he does not return to
us.
Belkar: Well, duh!
Hinjo: Explain. Now.
Belkar: The spirit need to be willing to return, right? But Shojo is kicking back in whatever afterlife the Chaotic Good people get - probably sipping single-malt scotch and smoking cigars rolled from poorly-worded legal documents. Why the hell would he want to come back here, knowing that you're waiting to throw him in prison? Considering he was like a billion years old and likely to die soon anyway, I'd say he got the last laugh on all y'all.
Hinjo: He's probably right...It looks like I'm on my own, then.
Roy: Not entirely. If you would be willing to accept my help.
Hinjo: Maybe... Don't get me wrong, I am NOT happy about the fact that you were working behind my back. But if you had Azure City's downfall at heart, it would have been easy enough to stand by and let Miko kill me, keeping your hands clean. The fact that you jumped in to save my life means a lot. Besides, I have to rally to defend this city to defend itself in less than a day. I'd have to be a fool to refuse the help of the only man I know to have fought this enemy and lived. You know, when all the nobles hear that Shojo is dead, it's going to rip the city apart. He's kept them in check for almost 50 years now.
Roy: He always worried about assassins...do you think they'll try to kill you?
Hinjo: Oh, definitely. Nothing says, "Condolences on the loss of your uncle," like a ninja death squad in the night. Luckily, I have an idea of where I can hire the perfect bodyguard.
Roy: Whoever you get to do it, they're sure going to have their hands - Aww, crap, it's me isn't it??
Hinjo: Heh. Well, you've already proven yourself capable of the job's primary function.
Roy: That's not exactly the type of assistance I had in mind.
Hinjo: OK. But if I get killed before Xykon's army attacks, the city will have no leader and thousands will likely die in the confusion. So, you know, it's your call, Roy.
Roy: *sigh* Fine, I'll do it. But that was low for a paladin.
Hinjo: You're obviously not familiar with one of our key class abilities: Summon Conscience.

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The Power Behind the Throne
O-Chul, Roy, Belkar, Hinjo

O-Chul: I believe Mistress Miyazaki is properly secured for transport. A terrible shame, if you ask me. She was our finest warrior.
Roy: You're not going to try to escape on the way to the prison tower, right?
Belkar: I considered it, but decided I'd never be able to forgive myself if I missed the chance to see Miko waking up in a jail cell.
Roy: Hey Hinjo, we're ready when you are.
Hinjo: OK. I'm ready, the damage appears to be mostly superficial.
Roy: Doesn't that just figure? You finally get to sit in the big chair, and someone goes and rends it nearly in twain first.
Hinjo: Oh, I'm not complaining. If Miko had leaned a few inches to the left, we'd all be screwed. Well, more screwed.
Roy: Heh, how could we possibly be more... Wait, what are you saying?
Hinjo: The five Gates were built around natural breaches in the Snarl's prison. Those breaches varied widely in size, from the largest breach in the Redmountain Hills...
<cutaway>
Hinjo: <voiceover>...to the smallest breach, in the skies above Azure City. It was so tiny that Dorukan and Lirian were capable of using a single gemstone to seal it. The throne, the platform, even this entire castle was built around that single sapphire. Soon didn't pick the name "Sapphire Guard" out of a hat, you know.
<cutback>
Roy: So who's the genius that decided that your ruler should sit on top of the god-eating monstrosity, anyway?
Hinjo: Soon again. By putting the Lord of the City in the same room as the gate, no one would question why the tower was so heavily defended. Personally, I think he also liked the idea that the Lord of the City would be reminded of what was at stake every time he sat down. I mean, my uncle literally had the Snarl looking over his shoulder every day.
Roy: Couldn't we just move the gem? Use it to lure Xykon away from the city, maybe?
Hinjo: Won't work. The gem seals the Gate. Move it, and you risk opening the-
Belkar: NO!!
Roy: What? What is it? Did she get loose?
Belkar: If she lost all of her paladin powers...then I'll NEVER get to kill that horse of hers!!!!
Roy: Oh, you've got to be kidding me...
Belkar: Well gosh golly, Roy, I'm so sorry everyone else's stunning revelations aren't story-based enough for you. "Whine, whine, whine, I'm Roy and I want more plot points!" We can't all be the straight man, you know! Some of us tell jokes for a living!

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Catching Up
Haley, Elan, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Hinjo

Haley: Wow...so can you guys believe Miko flipped out like that??
Elan: Yup.
Durkon: Sadly, aye.
(D): Sadly, yes.
Vaarsuvius: I find it to be entirely in keeping with what I know of her.
Haley: No, no, I mean, did you expect her to flip out in that exact manner?
Elan: Oh! No, not at all.
Durkon: Nay.
(D): No.
Vaarsuvius: I find it to be entirely in keeping with what I know of her.
Durkon: An' it could nae come atta worse time, wit' Xykon tha way!
(D): And it couldn't have come at a worse time, with Xykon the way!
Elan: Yeah...by tomorrow, we'll all be swimming in hobgoblins. Not literally. I hope.
Vaarsuvius: Oddly, it was quite serendipitous that Elan's brother enacted his circuitous plan to destroy Elan at that precise moment...or we would have found ourselves investigating lands on the far side of the globe when Xykon invaded.
Haley: Oh, definitely. In reward for his efforts, we've given him the best, safest view from which to watch the coming battle.
Elan: You mean the prison tower we just threw him in?
Haley: Exactly! You know, I'm not worried about the hobgoblins. Roy and Hinjo and all the generals are meeting in an hour to come up with the big battle plan, I'm sure they'll come up with something good. Tell you what, I'll let you guys know what they say.
Elan: You have an invitation to the War Council?
Haley: Nope, but I do have a maxxed bluff skill that's been burning a hole in my pocket for six weeks.
Durkon: 'Tis a shame aboot Belkar tho...they coulda used ev'ry high-level warrior they could get thar hands on right now.
(D): It's a shame about Belkar though...they could have used every high-level warrior they could get their hands on right now.
Haley: Well, Roy said to me that he had an idea to fix that, but I'm not sure what-
Hinjo: Hey, I'm sorry, guys? Guys, I apologize for interrupting. I totally understand that things are moving pretty quickly, and it helps to talk things out so that you and your friends are on the same page.
However, be that as it may - we're kinda in the middle of something here.
Haley: <whispering> Boy, you give a guy a crown and it goes straight to his head.
Elan: <whispering> Where else would a crown go?
Haley: <whispering> Shush.

Spoiler: Strip 413

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Not to Scale
Sangwaan, Hinjo, Chang, Roy, Haley, O-Chul, Lizardfolk 1, Lizardfolk 2

Sangwaan: In the first few hours since we learned of the threat, we diviners have done our best to scry the invading army. Most of our divinations have been blocked so far, but we have been able to glean some basic information. The enemy army seems to have at least 30,000 soldiers. Predominantly hobgoblins, and zombies, plus a few siege engines. Right now, they are camped 8 miles northeast of the main gate of the city.
Hinjo: They should be here in the morning, or by midday at the latest. General Chang, what's our troop disposition?
Chang: We have no more than 9000 soldiers within the city limits or close enough to recall in time. Swordsmen, pikemen, and archers, mostly. Though few have ever seen a real battle. We're going to station most of them here, on the city wall, to repel the invaders.
Hinjo: Um...why does this model have Azure City being guarded entirely
by reptilian humanoids?
Chang: Well, we were in a rush, so we used these prepainted plastic miniatures, Lord Hinjo. We kinda had to make due with what we got. We didn't even get any human archers, and we opened 30 booster packs. The lizardfolk are the archers, the yuan-ti are the pikemen and the kobolds
are the swordsmen.
Hinjo: And those hobgoblins down there are the hobgoblins?
Chang: No, sir, the bugbears are the hobgoblins. The hobgoblins are the zombies.
Hinjo: Please tell me that our chances of victory are better than the chances of finding the right miniatures.
Chang: The hobbo's have us outnumbered 3 to 1, but the defensive fortifications can't be underestimated. Call it an even fight.
Hinjo: An even fight...except for all the undead.
Roy: Zombies? Really? I mean, unless a Michael Jackson video erupts right in the middle of our war, I don't really expect them to do much more than shuffle around. Even green troops should be able to handle them as long as they have a slashing weapon armed.
Haley: And all your lizard guys have those little battleaxes, so they're fine.
Hinjo: They don't have battleaxes, because they're not lizardfolk! They're archers!
Haley: Oh, right, I forgot. You should really have them, like labeled or something.
Hinjo: Look, forget about the zombies, they don't worry me...ghouls do. One ghoul can paralyze a dozen 1st-level fighters over the course of a battle. And we think they have a few hundred ghouls. Sangwaan, how many-
Sangwaan: 314.
Hinjo: ...How did you know what I was-
Sangwaan: You were going to ask how many clerics we have that are capable of turning undead.
O-Chul: Yeah, but the real question is-
Sangwaan: 249 of them are 3rd level or lower.
O-Chul: I'm over here.
Hinjo: OK...assign one low-level cleric to each squad on the wall.
Chang: Yes, sir. We'll use...let's see...troglodyte miniatures to represent the clerics, then.
Haley: Geez, so they have a chick who can read minds, but she can't find the figures they want in a sealed box...
Hinjo: Their job is to turn undead and heal the soldiers, nothing else. If their position is overrun, have then fall back and join another squad. I don't want anyone trying to be a PC out there. The higher level clerics - along with any arcane spellcasters we have - should stay back here, on the castle, where they can see the whole battle. I guess we'll use this guy in the robes with the dragon head for them.
Haley: Ooo, that's a half-dragon sorcerer. Can I have that after the meeting?
Roy: Haley!
Haley: What? It's a rare, I can get 30 gp for it.
O-Chul:And the paladins, Lord? Many are away, but there are at least 100 of us here.
Hinjo: The newbies should stay behind the wall, to defend the citizens in case they breach it. The rest...you know where they should make their stand.
O-Chul:Yes, my Lord. We will gladly lay down our lives in defense of the tower. Would you prefer to represent our sacrifice with the red dragon hatchlings, or the fiendish boars?
Hinjo: *sigh*
<cutaway>
Lizardfolk 1: Damn it, more human archers??
Lizardfolk 2: Keep looking, there's got to be at least ONE lizardfolk
in there.

Spoiler: Strip 414

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Noble is Goodble
Hinjo, Lien, Chang, Roy, Kubota, Xykon, Redcloak, Noble 1, Noble 2

Hinjo: Lien, I want everyone who can't fight loaded onto a ship tonight. Too old, too young, too sick, too weak.
Lien: Sir, that will be thousands. Tens of thousands, maybe more.
Hinjo: Commandeer any private ship you can. Dump any cargo that's not food. Have them sail at dawn - if all goes well, they can come back in a few days.
Chang: A few days? What if the army lays siege, it could take months!
Roy: It won't. Xykon has no interest in the city itself, and he's not terribly patient. He'll try to seize what he wants as soon as he possibly can.
Kubota: Wait - if we KNOW what this guy wants, why don't we just give it to him??
Hinjo: Daimyo Kubota, I can assure you it's not that simple.
Kubota: I don't see any reason why it shouldn't be exactly that easy. Look, "Lord" Hinjo, I know this is your first day on the job and all, but it seems to me that you are rushing this city into a war we don't need to fight and may not win. I propose we send a diplomatic envoy to this Xykon and see if we can't agree to terms.
Hinjo: That's not really viable.
Kubota: Maybe it would be for a man with a little more leadership experience... Someone like myself, perhaps...
Roy: Step back, Mustache Lad. You know, this isn't some band of disgruntled peasants upset about the latest tax hike. You can't come to terms with an inhuman soulless corpse animated by pure evil. Xykon cares for nothing but your complete and total-
<cutaway>
Xykon: YAHTZEE! Yes!
Redcloak: Sir, shouldn't we be planning for tomorrow's battle?
Xykon: Feh, you're just mad because I keep winning fair and square.
Redcloak: Yes, you've figured me out, my desire to formulate a basic strategy for impending invasion is solely because I am unable to roll five of a kind.
<cutback>
Roy: -destruction.
Kubota: Yes, well, then I see no reason to send my forces into a suicidal battle when other options have not been explored. My samurai and men-at-arms will join me on my personal ship with as many members of my house as I can fit.
Noble 1: Indeed! My forces will not participate, either!
Noble 2: May the Twelve Gods forgive you if Azure City falls while under your rule, Hinjo!
Hinjo: Well THAT could have gone better. Of course, men like Kubota don't care if the city falls or not, as long as he comes out of it with his power intact. Now that they know what we're facing, they'll wonder of the whole thing could be avoided if I suddenly joined my uncle in the afterlife. I suspect they will move against me shortly...
Roy: I concur.

Spoiler: Strip 415

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Idiot Box
Xykon, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness, TeeVo, Hinjo, Miko, Samwose, Frudu

Xykon: Hey, I know how to stop your whining! Let's fire up the crystal
ball and scry on our unwitting mole. That's sort of like strategy.
Redcloak: I suppose.
Monster in the Darkness: We have a mole? Can I pet it?
Redcloak: Wait, shouldn't there have been someone watching the crystal ball all along? The likelihood that she will be standing next to the Gate at the exact moment you scry is pretty low.
Xykon: Relax, I know. That's why I bought a TeeVo.
TeeVo: TEEVO!
Xykon: I set it to record everything the paladin chick did since we let her escape. How does this remote work... There we go!
Redcloak: Uh, who's that guy?
Xykon: Oh, right. It does that sometimes. I told it to record a paladin, and it decided to record other paladins it thought I might enjoy watching. I haven't figured out how to turn it off. Heh heh... I'll save this one to watch later. OK, here we go. There's our unlucky lady.
Hinjo: Miko? What's wrong?
Miko: Hinjo, I must speak with Lord Shojo at once, I bring dire news.
Redcloak: Looks like she just got to the city. Fast forward it. Sir, I think she's entering the throne room...press Play.
Xykon: Who's the other guy?
Redcloak: No idea.
<notification text> SERVICE BLOCKED. If you believe you have received this message in error, contact your scrying service provider at 1-800-GO-SCRY
Xykon: Damn it!
Redcloak: The throne room must be shielded against scrying...
Xykon: Well didn't YOU turn out to be a waste of money. Now where did I put that receipt?
TeeVo: Teevo?
Redcloak: Hey, it's back!
Hinjo: <voiceover> -City. It was so tiny that Dorukan and Lirian were capable of using a single gemstone to seal it.
Redcloak: What happened to her? She's all beige now.
Monster in the Darkness: I know! Murky and Lurky must have stolen her colors!
Redcloak: For the last time, those characters exist only in Rainbow Brite cartoons!
Monster in the Darkness: ...and in my heart.
Xykon: Quiet, both of you! Listen to the man speaking off-camera:
Hinjo: <voiceover> The throne, the platform, even this entire castle was built around that single sapphire.
Redcloak: The Gate is inside the throne of the Lord of Azure City.
TeeVo: Teevo!
Monster in the Darkness: Gate?
Samwose: Frudu, we must destroy the Ming!
Frudu: I'm too weak, Samwose!
Xykon: What the-?
Redcloak: I think it recorded the location of other plot-central artifacts you might also enjoy.
Xykon: Oooo, does it know where my receipt is?

Spoiler: Strip 416

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It's Battlicious!
Redcloak, Medusa, Xykon, Demon Roach, Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2

Redcloak: Sir, that's it. I'm afraid I'm going to have to put a stop to your "Blind Date" marathon.
Medusa: I don't know...he was cute, but he seemed really stiff the whole date...
Xykon: You have one round to make this worthwhile, or I push the "Eviscerate" button on TeeVo's remote.
Redcloak: Here is what I'm offering: Talk about strategy with me for ten minutes, and this hobgoblin will hit the other hobgoblin in the face with a banana cream pie.
Xykon: Eh, seems kind of tame...
Redcloak: <whispering> They don't know that I infested the pie with acid-spitting beetles.
Xykon: Let's talk tactics.
Redcloak: I've prepared this map of Azure City. As I see it, we have superior numbers and tougher soldiers...but they have more mid- and low-level spellcasters and impressive fortifications. I was considering sending all of our troops here, towards the castle, since that's our true goal. What do you suggest as our best plan of action, Lord Xykon?
Xykon: Oh, sorry, I just fell asleep right in the middle of that.
Redcloak: You're a lich, you're physically incapable of sleeping.
Xykon: Which should just emphasize how boring that was. Look, we have a big frickin' army, they have a castle. It seems pretty straightforward to me. It's not even like we want their crummy city anyway. It's probably like sanctified or something. Ew. The only reason you and I aren't just sneaking in and grabbing the stupid thing is that it can't be moved, and they're likely to get upset if we loiter in their throne room for the few weeks it will take to complete the rituals.
Demon Roach: Have you considered asking nicely?
Xykon: So I say we march up to the city walls and start blasting away!
Redcloak: Oh, very good, sir, should I begin painting the bullseye on you right now, or would you prefer to- Thank you, sir. I think I know how to distribute the troops now.
Xykon: Whuh? Oh, well, you're welcome. Glad I could help.
Redcloak: If you'll excuse me, I need to speak with the legion commanders now.
Xykon: Aren't you forgetting something?
Redcloak: Oh, right. Do it.
<sfx> SPLAT!
Hobgoblin 1: AAAH! Beetles! And they're spitting acid in my eyes!
Hobgoblin 2: Gah! Now they're spitting acid in MY eyes too!
Xykon: Ha ha ha ha, it's funny because it's true...
Redcloak: Don't go anywhere, I've still got a coconut custard that has "siege engine disposition" written all over it.

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The Most Important Place to Be
Haley, Soldier, O-Chul, Elan

Haley: Hey, I've got a few special packages for Hobgoblin Ass, could you
ladies deliver them for me tomorrow? Try not to kill all of them before
I get a chance to fight, though.
Solider: Wow...I wish I was so confident?
Haley: Heck, why shouldn't you be? You're a tough fighter chick, right?
Solider: Actually... I've never been in a battle before.
Haley: Well, I'm not worried. Me and all my friends have beaten Xykon before, we'll do it again. You just chill out and leave the heavy fighting to us!
O-Chul:Excuse me. You know, this isn't just your adventuring party squaring off in a level-appropriate encounter. This is a war. There are likely to be significant casualties. We're outnumbered 3-to-1, outmatched, and suffering from severe moral problems - thanks to the fact that Lord Shojo died under circumstances that we can't share with the troops. This is hardly the easy victory you just implied.
Haley: I'm sorry, but they're 1-HD hobgoblins. I think each soldier can handle 3 of them.
O-Chul:Right, because the forces of evil are always considerate enough to attack in discrete 3-person groups. I'm sure they'll pause for tea and biscuits and 4 o'clock, too. Let's say your Armor Class is so high that they need a natural 20 to hit you. Statistically, that still means that one out of every twenty attacks is hurting you. If each hobgoblin gets off 4 attacks before you can put them down, then for every 5 foes you face tomorrow, you'll be stabbed once. So what are you going to do if the entire army attacks, say, the south wall? Can you survive fighting 100 hobgoblins until we can reinforce your position? How about 200? 2000?
Haley: I guess I never thought about it...
O-Chul:Most of our soldiers are not that experienced. Even if we hold the city tomorrow, it may be the last night alive for many of those girls you just told to "chill out". It might even be the last night for you, or one of your friends. This isn't the dungeon. In a war, people on the winning side still die. You might want to consider taking it somewhat seriously.
<cutaway>
Elan: I thought you were going to spend the night helping Roy prepare for the battle?
Haley: I had a...change of priorities.

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It's a Type of Boat
Hinjo, Lien, Roy, Soldier, Belkar

Hinjo: Lien, have all the ships launched?
Lien: That was the last wave. All have launched save this one, Lord Hinjo.
Hinjo: There's not even anyone aboard yet... What's going on here?
Lien: Sir, this was Lord Shojo's personal pleasure yacht, though I suppose it belongs to you now. This is your junk.
Hinjo: But why aren't there any citizens aboard it yet?
Lien: Your uncle was a very private person, sir. He forbade anyone from touching his junk.
Hinjo: Well, that ends now. My uncle may have kept his junk to himself, but my junk will be for the people! Are there still evacuees waiting to board a ship?
Lien: Oh, yes, sir, I imagine I'll have no trouble finding people to get aboard your junk. It should be able to hold many passengers.
Hinjo: I agree, my junk appears to be quite long...
Roy: Wider than I would have expected, too.
Hinjo: Very well. Lien, you hold my junk here until it is fully loaded.
Lien: That could take some time, Lord Hinjo.
Hinjo: I don't care how long it takes, I don't want my junk to launch prematurely. Now, did you deliver that package for me?
Solider: Yes sir, I handled you package personally.
Hinjo: Outstanding.
<cutaway>
Belkar: I sense a great disturbance... As if a thousand double entendres
cried out, and were suddenly silenced...

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A Special Pre-Approved Offer
Belkar, Miko, Unknown, Sabine, Nale

Belkar: Rise and shine, honey! You don't want to be late for your first day as an imprisoned criminal.
<sfx> bonk!
Miko: Whuh...where am I?
Belkar: You're in jail.
Miko: What?
Belkar: You know, the slammer, the pokey, the big house, the hoosegaw, the clink. You're in a dungeon, and not the kind with inexplicably paced monsters and enormous piles of treasure. Ladies and gentlemen of maximum security, may I present paladin-turned-murderer Miko Miyazaki. Miko just
committed her very first evil act, so let's all give her a round of applause.
<sfx> clap! clap! clap! clap! clap! clap!
Unknown: Woooo!
Unknown: Good job!
Miko: I'm going to kill you, Halfling.
Belkar: And she's already working toward her second, what a go-getter!
Sabine: Oooo! You're a fallen paladin?
Miko: No.
Belkar: Are you kidding? She fell so hard, I think she left cracks in the floor.
Sabine: Hey, so, you know the Lower Planes are always looking for ex-paladins to become Blackguards, right?
Miko: Leave me be, fiend.
Sabine: Come on, it's not like those paladin levels are doing much for you now. Plus, for a limited time, we're offering 5000 gp cash back on qualified level trade-ins.
Nale: Sabine, baby, not that I don't like to watch you work, but what exactly are you doing? I'm not really seeing her as Linear Guild material.
Sabine: If I turn a paladin into a Blackguard, I win a free weekend getaway at a great resort in the Astral Plane. All expenses paid, and seriously, baby, you should see the pools in this place. Besides, Nale,
look at that body! Mmmmm! You can't tell me she wouldn't look sexy in black leather.
Miko: Excuse me?
Sabine: Well, I mean, there's friendly contact with an evil outsider...And then there's "friendly contact" with an evil outsider. Know what I mean?
Miko: Come here.
Sabine: Aww, see? I knew she'd be-
<sfx> SNAP! wumph!
Sabine: Fine, be that way. But if you decide to sell your soul later, I can't guarantee that I'll pay full market value.
Miko: Duly noted.

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The Trial of Belkar Bitterleaf (Abridged)
Hinjo, Soldier 1, Soldier 2, Belkar, Thief Guy, Tsukiko, Kidnapping Guy, Roy

Hinjo: This is it?
Solider 1: All the prisoners that were in the jail that were over 5th level except-
Solider 2 : -except those in there for a capital crime, like treason.
Solider 1: <whispering> Why didn't you tell him about the three prisoners that weren't on the jail records?
Solider 2: <whispering> Lord Hinjo has too much to worry about right now without hearing about prison bookkeeping errors. It can wait.
Hinjo: Good morning. As some of you may already know, Azure City is being threatened by an invading army of Hobgoblin soldiers and their undead allies. I have just received word that this army is on the move, and should be here in a few hours. All of you are guilty of crimes against Azure City and its citizens...ranging from Grand Larceny...to Unnatural Acts of Wizardry...to Kidnapping...to Voluntary Manslaughter.
Belkar: Manslaughter? I thought I was going down for at LEAST Murder 2! This'll wreak havoc with my street cred...
Hinjo: You are all also fairly high level in your chosen classes. And right now, your city needs all the high-level characters it can muster. We are willing to reduce your prison sentence by 5 years if you
contribute to the defense of Azure City by helping defeat the invaders. If you accept, your sentence will be reduced after we drive off the hobgoblin horde. Or, you can refuse, and pray to the Twelve Gods that
their catapults don't hit the prison tower while you're still locked inside. Either way, this offer expires in five minutes. I've got too much to do to wait for your decision.
Thief Guy: Yeah, OK. I'm in.
Tsukiko: I suppose.
Kidnapping Guy: Not me. I've got 14 years left, I'll take my chances that the goblins plaster ya.
Hinjo: Belkar? What about you?
Belkar: Well, I'm no legal expert, but I'm pretty sure I haven't actually been convicted of anything.
Hinjo: That's a good point. Very well, I'll summon the guards to take you back-
Roy: No, wait! He pleads guilty!
Belkar: Gah! What? No, I don't.
Roy: Yes, you do.
Belkar: No, I don't!
Roy: Yes, you do! Look, I'm the one who talked Hinjo into reducing the charges to manslaughter, since you were imprisoned falsely by a ruler acting outside the bounds of the law. Now, the minimum penalty for manslaughter in Azure City is four years in prison. Now do you see where I'm going with this?
Belkar: ...No.
Roy: *sigh* You plead guilty, get sentenced to four years, then defend the city, we kick Xykon's ass and you sentence gets reduced by five years.
Belkar: How the hell do I serve -1 years in prison?
Roy: You don't, you idiot, you get set free!
Belkar: Oh, I get it. OK, then, I plead guilty.
Hinjo: Very well. Since we don't have a magistrate available, it falls to me to pass sentence. Belkar Bitterleaf, for the crime of voluntary manslaughter, I sentence you to spend a term in prison equal to – six years.
Belkar: What??
Roy: Ah, crap.
Hinjo: Yeah, well, you probably shouldn't have discussed how you're going to beat the system in front of the guy charged with upholding the system. I still get to make Listen checks when I'm three feet away, you know. However, I'll make you a separate deal, Belkar. If you help defend the city, I'll have my Wizards remove that mark of Justice from you afterwards.
Belkar: Uh, hello? I was getting that taken off now anyway. My trial is over.
Hinjo: Nope. Because, see, Azure City doesn't use the Mark of Justice as part of its legal system. That was strictly the act of my uncle, working above the law. Therefore, technically, I'm not legally bound to EVER remove it from you. However...when Miko was charging at you, swords drawn, you stood there and blocked her path, even though you were almost certainly going to be cut down. That says to me that perhaps your time with the Mark has taught you something about yourself. That maybe, you're a better person than before it was put on you. I figure that if you acquit yourself well in this battle while still under the Mark's influence, then you deserve the chance to prove it.
Belkar: I am so confused...
Roy: He's doing it because he thinks that you've learned your lesson, and with my guidance, you'll stop resorting to violence to solve your problems.
Belkar: Ohhhhh. I get it. So, he's doing it because he doesn't really know me at all, then.
Roy: Pretty much.
Belkar: Cool with me. Let's go massacre something.

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 421 to 444
Book 3: War and Xps
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Spoiler: Strip 421

Show

Oratory of the Stick
Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Sangwaan, Hinjo, Elan, Roy, Haley, Soldiers, Soldier

Belkar: How did you ever get so many Potions of Heroism?
Vaarsuvius: Do not ask.
Sangwaan: Sir, the enemy will be within sight in about an hour.
Hinjo: Good. This waiting is just making everyone tense.
Elan: Awww, come on, Roy! You didn't let me do a preparation montage, you have to at LEAST let me do the big pre-battle speech!
Roy: No. No way, no how. Just no.
Elan: But it's a bardic rite of passage.
Roy: Well, you will have to pass your bardic through some other rite, then.
Elan: I didn't want to have to do this, but I'm just going to have to go over your head on this one.
Roy: How can you go over my head? I'm the leader-
Elan: Hinjo, can I give a rousing pre-battle speech to the troops? Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar on top???
Hinjo: Sure.
Elan: HA!
Roy: Fine, as long as no one comes crying to me when-
Elan: HA!
Haley: Good luck, honey!
Elan: Thanks! I have a really good feeling. Friends, Azurites, countrymen, lend me your ears. Not literally, because ewww. I mean, that would be disgusting. And messy. And since you'd just be lending them, we'd have to figure out how to reattach them all, and that'd be a lot of work. Today, we stand here on the wall, preparing to defend this city from the forces of evil. And probably chaos, too. We few, we happy few, we band of brother. And sisters. Definitely also sisters, they are part of the band too. I think they play drums. A day may come when the courage of men (and women) fails, when we forsake out friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. And if the battle lasts through tomorrow, it's not that day either. It may or may not be the day after that, I'm not sure. Still too early to tell. But in case it's not that day, or it is that day, but the battle is already over so it doesn't matter, I want you to remember this: No one ever won a war by dying for their country. They won making the other guy die for his country. Which still applies even though hobgoblins don't live in countries. They live in caves, I think. So make them die for their caves. Which, admittedly, sounds a lot less heroic than dying for your country. But today will be the day when Azure City declared in one voice, "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!" And the fact that it rhymes does not make it any less true! We'll stand here together and tell our enemies that they may take our lives... But they will never take our freedom!
<sfx> Wooooo! Yeah! HUZZAH!! Azure City! We're #1! Hooray! Wooooo! Let's go!! For Shojo! Go team! YES!! Wooooo! Hooray! Huzzah! Yaaay! Wooooo! Yeah! Go Elan! Freedom! Kickass! Azure City! Let's do this! Huzzah!
Elan: Unless... Unless they kill us, then animate our dead corpses as zombies to fight for them. Then I suppose they've taken our lives, AND our freedom.
Elan: <singing> Fight, fight, fight, fight the-
Soldier: You suck!

Spoiler: Strip 422

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March to War
Soldier 1: Oh, man, I do not like this.
Solider 2: I think I see them.
Solider 3: Yup, that's them.
Solider 4: There's so many...Crap, are those flying troops there? Oh, this sucks!
Solider 5: You know, I heard Shojo was in league with the hobgoblins, so they took him down.
Solider 6: Well, I heard that Hinjo went nuts and killed the old man himself, just so he could seize power.
Cleric: *sigh* Politics as usual.
<cutaway>
Hobgoblin Cleric: Oh, man, I can't wait!
Hobgoblin 1: I know! We're finally gonna get to fight the humans!
Hobgoblin 2: I am totally stoked, guys.
Hobgoblin 3: You know, at first, I wasn't so sure about this goblin as a leader, but this is just awesome.
Hobgoblin 4: Yeah, any leader who'll let us invade a city and crush it beneath our heels is OK in my book.
Zombie: brains
<cutback>
Hinjo: Roy, I have some last minute orders for you. When Xykon shows himself, you and your team go after him. You're high enough level to stand a chance, and you've fought him before.
Vaarsuvius: Protection from Arrows!
Hinjo: Don't worry about guarding me. You see him, you get to him and eliminate his ability to participate in this battle.
Roy: Oh, no problem. I was pretty much gonna do exactly that anyway.
O-Chul: Lord Hinjo, are you sure this is wise?
<cutaway>
Eye of Fear and Flame: Excuse me, uh, Redcloak? Can I just get a minute?
Redcloak: No.
Eye of Fear and Flame: Great. So, are you certain this plan you've got going is a good idea?
Redcloak: Yes, for the one billionth time, I am certain. Now stop bothering me, we're ready to start.
Eye of Fear and Flame: It's, uh... it's just this plan doesn't really seem that conducive to my long-term well-
Demon Roach: Make love, not war! Infernal hippie.
Redcloak: Listen to me, you whiny crybaby sack of undead crap, you are going to do exactly what I tell you to do, or I will rebuke you into next week.
Eye of Fear and Flame: OK! OK! Sorry! Sorry!
<cutback>
Hinjo: If Xykon doesn't fall, there's not much chance of us winning this. A sorcerer that powerful doesn't engage opponents, he alters the course of entire battles. We need him down, quickly. Roy and the rest can worry about whether he regenerates after the army is beaten.
O-Chul: I meant, are you sure it's wise to allow them autonomy? Shouldn't they remain under our command for the entire battle?
Hinjo: Adventurers, O-Chul. They work better on their own. Let Roy fight his war, and you and I will fight ours, yes?
O-Chul: Yes, my lord. I go to defend Soon's Gate.
Hinjo: May the Twelve Gods go with you.
O-Chul: If I do not see you again in this world, we will share a drink in the next.
<cutaway>
Redcloak: Wow...that was surprisingly therapeutic.
Monster in the Darkness: Did you- I mean, you just- I can't believe you just said that to Xykon!
Redcloak: Sorry, I really don't have time for you right now.
Monster in the Darkness: But- but- I'm so confused!
Redcloak: I've been dreaming of this day for two-thirds of my life...when I would stand at the gates of Azure City with enough force to crush every last paladin into thick red gooey paste.
Hobgoblin 5: Order, Supreme Leader?
Redcloak: <whispering> This one's for you, Mom.
Redcloak: Fire the catapults!

Spoiler: Strip 423

Show

Periodic Bombardment
Soldier 1, Soldier 2, Hobgoblin General, Redcloak, Demon Roach

<sfx> kuWONNNNNNG!
<cutaway>
Solider 1: Incoming artillery!
Solider 2: What? Already?
<cutback>
Hobgoblin General: Supreme Leader, should we not have waited until we were closer? Those boulders will not reach-
Redcloak: I appreciate your input, General, but since I didn't fire boulders, your concern is unwarranted. Boulders don't do enough collateral damage for our needs. You fire them once, then they're done. That's why I summoned up a few elemental draftees to help us out.
<tag text> 1000 gp
<cutaway>
Solider 1: What the...?
Solider 2: Move! Move!
<cutback>
Hobgoblin General: Wait, are you saying that you just fired five Earth Elementals out of catapults at them???
Redcloak: Don't be ridiculous. Earth Elementals are way too heavy, they'd never fly that far.
<cutaway>
Redcloak: <voiceover> I fired five Titanium Elementals at them. They're just as strong and 40% lighter.
<sfx> KRUNCH!!
<elemental text> 22. Ti. 47.867
Redcloak: What? Hey, it's not my fault everyone else limits themselves to four elements. Some of us got passing grades in Chem. I mean, Fire shouldn't even count. It's a chemical reaction. They're not called "Reactionals," you know.
Demon Roach: He besieged me with SCIENCE!

Spoiler: Strip 424

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A Wizard's Work
Hinjo, Vaarsuvius, Roy, Soldier 1, Soldier 2

Hinjo: ...Twelve Gods! They're tearing up the walls! What are those things?
Vaarsuvius: Titanium. Very distasteful. Does he not know that the classical elements are classics for a reason??
<cutaway>
Hinjo: <voiceover> Their weapons are barely hurting it!
Roy: <voiceover> Let us handle it.
<cutback>
Roy: Durkon, Haley, and Elan, you take the one on the right. Belkar, we'll take the one in the middle.
Vaarsuvius: Then I suppose that I shall "handle" the three on the left.
Roy: What? No, it's too dangerous, we'll fight them after-
Vaarsuvius: Fret not, I purchased a few scrolls that shall do the trick.
Roy: Vaarsuvius! VAARSUVIUS!
Vaarsuvius: Time is at a premium, precluding extended discussion. Expeditious Retreat! I fully expected to use these on demons, but elemental interlopers will suffice. Dismissal!
<sfx> POP! klang! thud!
Vaarsuvius: DISMISSAL!
<sfx> POP! krraaack!
Vaarsuvius: DISMISSAL!
<sfx> POP!
Vaarsuvius: Feather Fall!
Solider 1: Hey, thanks, friend!
Solider 2: I thought those things were gonna kill us.
Vaarsuvius: Think nothing of it. I merely exercised one of the oldest truisms in warfare. "Paper beats rock."

Spoiler: Strip 425

Show

War Makes Boys of Us All
Belkar, Haley, Elan, Roy, Hinjo, Soldier, Hobgoblin, Thief Guy

Belkar: Look, it's not MY fault I can't remember if elementals are
"living" or not!
Haley: I hope Vaarsuvius is OK...
Elan: Wooo! We kicked their shiny metal asses!
Roy: Too little, too late, I'm afraid. They ripped some major holes in the wall before we beat them.
Hinjo: Agreed. It would have been much worse if not for you, but Xykon
won this round my weakening our fortifications.
Solider: Sir, we have archers incoming.
<cutaway>
Hobgoblin: FIRE!
<cutback>
Elan: But I don't want to fight in the shade!
Roy: Elan, get down! I said, GET DOWN! GAH!
Solider: ARCHERS! RETURN FIRE!
Theif Guy: So, uh...you doing anything after the war, gorgeous?
Haley: I have a boyfriend.
Elan: Roy, you saved my life! You took an arrow for me! Three arrows!
Roy: Let the regretting begin. Listen, I didn't save your life, I saved you from three arrows. That's like, one healing potion, and it would have been a waste of resources to use it up. It's pure numbers, nothing
more.
Belkar: Yeah, but...now you need to drink a healing potion. So it's the same waste of resources, the only difference being that you felt the pain instead of Elan.
Roy: What's your point? What?
Elan: You like me! You liiiiiiiike me!
Roy: What? No I don't!
Elan: Roy likes Elan!
Roy: Shut up!
Belkar: Roy and Elan, sittin' in a tree-
Roy: SHUT UP!

Spoiler: Strip 426

Show

Three of a Kind
Soldier, Chang, Vaarsuvius, Hinjo, Roy, Eye of Fear and Flame, Elan, Death Knight, Durkon, Redcloak, Hecuava, Sangwaan, Belkar, Haley, Monster in the Darkness

Solider: They're moving in, Sir.
Chang: Prepare to hold this breach at all cost, men.
Vaarsuvius: You may consider all of my spellcasting services at your disposal, General. I do not believe I have the luxury of returning to my assigned position before the enemy is upon us.
Chang: We'll take all the help we can get. I don’t suppose you have any spells that will seal this hole in the wall?
Vaarsuvius: Not exactly, but I do have an idea...
<cutaway>
Hinjo: <voiceover> They're splitting into three groups now...one is headed to the south end of the wall. The second appears to be charging directly towards the breach in the north. The remainder of the forces are hanging back to protect the archers and catapults.
<cutaway>
Roy: OK, is Xykon leading any of the three groups? We should attack
whichever army he's with, while your forces hold off the rest.
Hinjo: Ummm...yes. Yes, it seems so.
<cutaway>
Hinjo: <voiceover> He appears to be leading the southern division.
Eye of Fear and Flame: Hey, so, guys? Maybe, I was thinking, you could sort of form like a shield around me while we advance? Just a suggestion.
Elan: <voiceover> Are you sure?
<cutover>
Elan: <voiceover> Because he's also leading the charge toward the breach! Straight at Vaarsuvius!
Death Knight: The ground will hungrily lap up the spilled blood of the righteous this unholy day!
Durkon: <voiceover> Aye, but if tha be Xykon...
(D): Yeah, but if that's Xykon...
<cutover>
Durkon: <voiceover> Then who be tha holdin' position in tha rear?
(D): Then who's that holding position in the rear?
Redcloak: Interesting... Greenhilt is here, with his Order of the Stick...
Hecuava: Who?
Redcloak: Never mind.
<cutback>
Roy: Wait - three Xykons???
Elan: This can only mean one thing - They're identical triplets! Identical skeletal triplets, the rarest kind!
Roy: Or that two of them are decoys.
Elan: Right, or that.
Hinjo: The question is, which two? Sangwaan, cast True Seeing. Which ones are illusions?
Sangwaan: I cannot tell, Lord Hinjo. My True Seeing spells do not have sufficient range from this position.
Elan: Ooooo! Does one of them have a goatee?? Because if so, that's the bad one!
Roy: Elan, I think maybe it's Quiet Time while the grown-ups think, OK?
Belkar: Here's an idea: Who the hell cares?? Let's just fight them all!
Roy: Oh, great. Tell me, then: which one first? They're so far apart that if we choose the wrong one, by the time we engage and defeat the decoy, the real Xykon will have blown through Azure City's defenses like a crossbow bolt through a wet character sheet It will take too long to get from one end of the city to the other, and we're the only ones with a chance to actually defeat him. Wait, Hinjo! Did you ever raise that wizard your uncle sent with us to Cliffport? The one who could cast Teleport?
Hinjo: When did you go to Cliffport?
Roy: ...Damn.
Hinjo: The nobles probably employed a few wizards who could teleport, but if they did, they took them with them out to sea.
Roy: Great. So there's no way out of it, we have to pick one to fight.
Haley: We need to help Vaarsuvius! Xykon's nearing the breach!
Roy: Unless that's a decoy, in which case it's smarter to leave V to handle it alone.
<cutaway>
Roy: <voiceover> Either way, we need to choose soon...
Eye of Fear and Flame: *gulp*
<cutover>
Death Knight: CHARGE!!
<cutover>
Hecuava: Did they take the bait yet?
Redcloak: No, they appear paralyzed with indecision.
Hecuava: Meh, that works, too.
Monster in the Darkness: Xykon is a triplet??

Spoiler: Strip 427

Show

They're Just Another Brick in the Wall
Vaarsuvius, Chang, Soldier

Vaarsuvius: Truly, it is a poor omen when elves are doing stonemasonry.
Chang: Wizard, I need to speak with you. Is it true that you asked my captain to only stand these 13 pikemen in the breach?
Vaarsuvius: These are your best soldiers, are they not?
Chang: Yes, they're all 5th level, but-
Vaarsuvius: And they each imbibed on of the potions I gave you?
Chang: Yes, but-
Vaarsuvius: Mass Bear's Endurance! Mass Bull's Strength!
Chang: Now look here! It doesn't matter how many of you magical bonuses you pile on, a dozen or so men cannot hold this gap! The enemy will simply run right over them!
Vaarsuvius: General, you may have noticed that my explanations tend to consume more time than my plans themselves. Given that time is a factor, I simply say that it is imperative that you not send any more troops into the breach now.
Solider: The enemy is 180 feet away and closing fast, general! 120 feet! 60 feet! Here they come!
Chang: That's it! Captain, advance another 50 soldiers into the-
Vaarsuvius: Mass enlarge person!
<sfx> flicht! splortch! splortch! splortch! splortch! splortch! splortch! schrkt! schrkt! schrkt!
Chang: ...Oh.

Spoiler: Strip 428

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It Takes a Thief
Roy, Haley, Hinjo, Belkar, Sangwaan

Roy: OK...the Xykon on the horse is almost to the breach, that means we're out of time. We're going to risk splitting the team up. We'll ignore the one in the rear, since it's not attacking yet. Belkar, Elan, join Vaarsuvius. Durkon, Haley and I will take the one to the south. Hinjo, if the one in the rear moves, send-
Haley: WAIT! Stop! I've got it!! It's a shell game. You know, like they set up on street corners? Three nutshells, a ball, they mix them up and you pick one?
Roy: Yes, I know what a shell game is, Haley. It's just that you're not telling me anything I don't already know. Two of the Xykons are fake, we need to figure out which ones.
Haley: No, look, it's a swindle! At its most basic, the shell-
Hinjo: Do you have some information regarding which Xykon is the real one?
Haley: No - gah! You're now - gods, it's frustrating how Lawful you people are! I know everyone got in the habit of ignoring the gibberish that was coming out of my mouth, but you need to listen to what I am saying. Roy, Hinjo, you two may know warfare - but *I* know how to run a con. A con man doesn't choose to play the shell game with you if there is any possibility of him actually losing. The con isn't in getting you to pick the wrong shell. The con is getting you to accept that the basic
premise of the game is still being followed. The con is in getting you to pick a shell at all.
<cutaway>
Haley: <voiceover> The ball isn't under the first shell...
<cutover>
Haley: <voiceover> ...or the second shell...
<cutover>
Haley: <voiceover>...or even the third shell.
<cutback>
Haley: The ball is in the con man's palm the whole time.
Roy: Wait...I think I get it...Haley, you're a genius!
Hinjo: I don't. Can someone explain it to me?
Roy: Bottom line: none of the Xykons we see are "real". Why should they give us a 33% chance to pick the right one when they can give us a 0% chance? If they can create two decoys, why not three?
Hinjo: Are you certain?
Roy: No. But I trust her gut.
Haley: A ruse that relies on the target's innate acceptance of the rules presented to him? Against a league of paladins? Easy money.
Hinjo: Let's say you're right...where's the real Xykon now?
Haley: Someplace...else. Someplace where we can't see him, probably making a beeline for the throne room.
<sfx> woooosh!
Roy: He could be anywhere.
Haley: Yeah, but for maximum effectiveness, he'd be in the last place we'd expect.
Roy: Where's that?
Haley: Don't know. I'm not done expecting other places yet.
<sfx> woooosh!
Belkar: Hey, is there any chance we can hurry this up? "It's Pat" is already fireballing hobgoblins down there, and me, I'm just standing around here freezing my considerable assets off in this wind.
Roy: Keep it down, Belkar, this is more important than complaining about the...wind.
<sfx> woooosh! woooosh!
Hinjo: Sangwaan! Cast your spell now!
Sangwaan: Yes, Lord Hinjo.
Haley: And look UP!
<sfx> woooosh!
Sangwaan: True Seeing! Oh... Oh my.
Hinjo: Well?
Haley: Do you see anything?
<sfx> woooosh!

Spoiler: Strip 429

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Stay on Target...
Sangwaan, Belkar, Durkon, Haley, Thief Guy, Roy, Elan, Hinjo, Zombie
Dragon, Xykon

Sangwaan: He's coming straight at us!
Belkar: Crap, he has Invisibility??
<sfx> KRUNNCH!! whhsk!
Belkar: Crap, he has Greater Invisibility??
Durkon: Na fer long, he don't. Greater Dispel Magic!
(D): Not for long, he doesn't. Greater Dispel Magic!
<sfx> poof!
Durkon: Thor's nostrils...
Haley: Is that a freaking DRAGON?
Theif Guy: I shoulda stayed in jail.
Roy: I wasn't...I wasn't expecting that.
Elan: Wow, that is so cool...
Hinjo: I don't mean to be an alarmist, but he doesn't look like he's slowing down.
<sfx> splunt! splunt! splunt! splunt! flit!
Haley: I don't think we had any effect on it! I freaking hate Damage Reduction.
Roy: That's OK...I have a weapon right here that can hurt it and it's master. It just needs to get...a little bit...closer...DIE!!! (AGAIN!)
Zombie Dragon: rrrrrr!
Xykon: What the-? Man, that was weird. I wonder if I should buzz the walls again before I head off... Ah, what the hell, you only unlive once. I should probably stay away from that guy with the green-hilted sword, whoever he is.
Haley: He's coming back for another run - but higher this time.
Roy: Damn it! Where is the wizard with a Fly spell when you really need one?
Belkar: Hey Roy, I've got the next best thing: My Ring of Jumping +20. Take it and get all up in his business.
Roy: Really?
Belkar: It's not doing me any good. But hurry, the bastard is on his way back right now.
Haley: You're attacking Xykon alone? Have you gone mad?
Durkon: Spell Resistance! Freedom of Movement!
Roy: You saw, no one else's weapons could penetrate their undead flesh. They're vulnerable to the starmetal. Without V's spells, this is out only chance to take him out.
Elan: Good luck!
Roy: Tell Haley to hold the walls until I get back! The hobgoblins are getting ready to scale them!
Belkar: Pay up.
Thief Guy: Damn, I was sure he'd be too smart to try that jump.

Spoiler: Strip 430

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Rematch
Xykon, Roy, Samurai

Xykon: Unholy crap!!
Roy: Remember me, Xykon?
Xykon: No. Should I?
Roy: What?? You stupid-!!
Xykon: Hey, hey! Quite scratching up my ride! You wouldn't believe why my insurance premiums are on this thing are. Here's a little something I learned last night watching "Star Trek" on the TeeVo: Evasive Maneuvers!
Roy: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, gods...I shouldn't have had sushi for breakfast. I think I'm gonna be sick...
Samurai: We may die today, men- but at least we die with HONOR!
Roy: BLERRRRCH!
Xykon: Aww, feel better now? Here, let me lend you a hand.
Roy: No thanks.
Xykon: How about just a finger, then? Finger of Death, specifically.
Roy: GAH!!! Oh my gods, I am so going to crawl up there and kill you.
Xykon: You might want to work on your build optimization on the way up, Baldy. Hey - wait a second. I know who you are now!
Roy: Yeah, damn straight you know who I am.
Xykon: You're that guy! The one who kept getting pissed off at me for not remembering - something.
Roy: GODDAMN IT!

Spoiler: Strip 431

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My Three Xykons
Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness, Demon Roach, Huecuva

Redcloak: <voiceover> Typical. Ten minutes in, and he's already managed to put his foot into a big steaming pile of adventurers.
<cutaway>
Monster in the Darkness: So Xykon is actually a quadruplet?
Redcloak: If I continue to ignore you, you're going to pout inane observations about this for the rest of the war, aren't you?
Monster in the Darkness: Probably.
Redcloak: Fine. After I talked about strategy with Xykon - or should I say, at Xykon - -I got all of the monster books together and looked up some undead that were skeletal and free-willed. I made three that fit the bill well enough.
<flashback>
Redcloak: <voiceover> A death knight. A huecuva. And an Eye of Fear and Flame. Though I think I got a little too much "fear" and not enough "flame" on that one.
Demon Roach: "For Mature Audiences." Oooooooo!
<end flashback>
Monster in the Darkness: How did you get them to look exactly like Xykon?
Redcloak: I didn't. They're human skeletons, I put a blue robe on them and called it a night. Heck, I had to put those colored pendants on them just to tell them apart. The idea was, the real Xykon would sneak into the castle, kill everyone there and animate them as zombies. Summon a few monsters for flavor and boom, we've opened up a second front behind the defenders. It's all shot to hell now that they decloaked him, though. Oh well. You there, go ahead and take a few thousand troops to reinforce your cowardly friend out there.
Huecuva: On it, chief! Protetion from Good! Divine Power!
Monster in the Darkness: WOW! I didn't know Xykon knew how to cast cleric spells, too!
Redcloak: What are you talking about? I just explained this, that wasn't really- Yeah, that Xykon sure is amazing, isn't he?
Monster in the Darkness: Do his brothers know he can do that?

Spoiler: Strip 432

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Let Slip the Dogs of War
Soldier, Chef, Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2, Hobgoblin 3, Hobgoblin 4, Elan, Hinjo, Belkar, Thief Guy

Solider: Here they come! Dump the oil!
<sfx> blorblorblorp!
Solider: Wait - was that oil hot?
Chef: No. Was it supposed to be?
Solider: Why would you pour room-temperature oil down on our attackers?
Chef: Are you kidding? That was coconut oil!
Solider: So?
<cutaway>
Hobgoblin 1: Coconut oil???
Hobgoblin 2: Oh, man, that stuff is like 90% saturated fat!
Hobgoblin 3: But my doctor has me on a low cholesterol diet!
Hobgoblin 4: And heart disease runs in my family!
<cutback>
Elan: I can't believe that worked.
Hinjo: They'll be back once their leaders remind them that a diet high in soluble fiber - such as oatmeal - can reduce their cholesterol. That's why we need to get over there and reinforce them. Elan, Belkar, and...guy I let out of prison to fight. You're with me. Argent, I choose you!
<sfx> chu!
Belkar: So HE gets to unleash the fury, and I get a friggin' wiener dog???
Thief Guy: Dude, there's no justice in the world.

Spoiler: Strip 433

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Resource Management
Hinjo, Elan, Thief Guy, Belkar, Soldier, Hobogblin General, Redcloak, Demon Roach

Hinjo: Good boy, Argent! Good boy!
Elan: Orange you sorry you decided to invade? Wow, it's fun being halfway competent!
Thief Guy: I wouldn't know.
<sfx> thunk! thunk! thunk!
Belkar: Duck. Duck. Duck. GOOSE!
<sfx> shlurk!
Wight: urk!
Belkar: Duck.
Solider: Lord Hinjo, there are so many of them. What do we do?
Hinjo: Just keep fighting! Make them pay for every inch. For every one of our soldiers who dies, make them lose ten. Or twenty! If we can inflict enough damage, they'll be forced to pull back to avoid taking more losses.
<cutaway>
Hobgoblin General: Supreme Leader, the divisions scaling the southern wall are taking heavy casualties.
Redcloak: Send a squad of clerics to the south immediately!
Hobgoblin General: Verey good, sir. The extra healing may well turn the tide.
Redcloak: Healing? No, they're going so they can zombify our dead. We're the bad guys, remember?
Demon Roach: Oh man...I knew I shouldn't have invested all my money in that goblin life insurance company...

Spoiler: Strip 434

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Heavy is the Head
Roy, Xykon

Roy: What do you think of my new sword? You might be interested in knowing that it's shatter-resistant now, too.
Xykon: What's that supposed to- Hey, my crown!
<sfx> snap!
Roy: Let go!
Xykon: I've been looking everywhere for this! I just assumed it was with my keys, wherever they are.
Roy: Hey! Give me that back!
Xykon: Let me think about that. ...No. You would not believe the trouble I went through to get this crown in the first place. I went to steal it from this librarian in Cliffport, and it turned out oops! He was also an archmage! Needless to say, hilarity ensued.
Roy: Archmage in Cliffport...Master Fyron? That's what you took from him???
Xykon: Yeah, that's the name. Man, I killed him good that day, heh heh heh.
Roy: I can't believe this entire stupid Blood Oath started over the same magic crown I've been wearing around my neck for months.
Xykon: Magic? This crown's not magic.
Roy: What? Then...why steal it? Why kill Master Fyron and his son for it?
Xykon: Well, because it looks cool, obviously. Here, check it out: Badass. REALLY badass. Am I right or am I right?
Roy: Oh my GODS, I hate you so much!
Xykon: Geez, calm down! What's it to you, anyway?

Spoiler: Strip 435

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Amoral Dilemma
Belkar, Thief Guy, Belkar's Evil Side 1, Belkar's Evil Side 2, Belkar's Good Side, Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2, Hobgoblin 3

Belkar: This SUCKS! All I want is for my daggers to be cutting into soft, yielding orange flesh. Shlubbo Noname-zaki here gets to kill hobgoblins, why don't I?
Thief Guy: Hey Belkar, wanna make 10,000 gp without lifting a finger?
Belkar: Can I say, "Yes," strongly enough?
Theif Guy: Keep an eye out while I get something ready over here.
Belkar: Whoa, is that what I think it is?
Theif Guy: Nice eye, yeah, this is the good stuff. High save DC, Constitution damage, the works. Costs a bundle per dose.
Belkar: Sweet! But why waste such a beautifully lthal poison on a bunch of hobgoblins?
Thief Guy: I ain't shooting it at the hobgoblins, Belkar. I have a slightly more...regal...target in mind.
Belkar: Hinjo??
Thief Guy: Keep it down! This morning, right after we were let out, a messenger finds me and brings me to that noble, Kubota. He promises me 100,000 gp if I kill Hinjo during the battle and make it look like an accident. I figure, some Sneak Attacks made with yellow-fletched arrows dipped in poison should do the trick. Even if he survives, it'll slow him down just enough for the hobbo's to finish him off. It's not my usual area of expertise, but sometimes, you gotta break outta your rut to get ahead in this world. Now let me know if any of the soldiers start looking over here.
<sfx> POOF!
Belkar’s Evil Side 1: Dude! Ten grand just to watch while your new buddy rubs out that sanctimonious jerk? Can I get a "Hell yes!"?
Belkar: Hell, yes!
Belkar’s Evil Side 1: Hinjo totally screwed you on that prison sentence thing, so now, it's payback time!
<sfx> POOF!
Belkar’s Evil Side 2: Belkar, wait! Hinjo promised to remove the Mark of Justice once and for all after the battle. If he's killed now, you'll never be able to wantonly slaughter innocents again without worrying about whether or not you're standing in a city!
Belkar: Wait, isn't the second guy supposed to be, like, an angel or something?
Belkar’s Evil Side 2: No, it's just the two of us and the slaad, and trust me, you don't want him to come out.
<cutaway>
Belkar’s Evil Side 2: <voiceover> The angel...doesn't work here anymore.
Belkar's Good Side: ...and he kept stabbing them, again and again... He's a halfling, he's supposed to be jolly... Why isn't he jolly? WHY ISN'T HE JOLLY???
<sfx> twitch!
<cutback>
Belkar’s Evil Side 1: If Hinjo bites it, he can get someone else to remove the Mark.
Belkar’s Evil Side 2: He hasn't been able to yet. What if there's some special thingamabob that only the king can remove?
Belkar’s Evil Side 1: Magic doesn't work like that! I think. Crap, I don't know.
Belkar’s Evil Side 2: See? Belkar, is it worth it to risk never being able to knife someone in a tavern fight ever again?
Belkar: No, I... I don't know that I could live with that. Looks like I'm saving Hinjo's life.
Belkar’s Evil Side 1: Hinjo got a cooler dog than you did.
Belkar: I'm gonna kill him myself!
Belkar’s Evil Side 2: NO! You have a duty, Belkar. A duty to serve the Greater You. Saving a life, though regrettable, is a small price to pay for a whole lifetime of unfettered killing.
Thief Guy: Is anybody looking?
Belkar: No one.
Thief Guy: What the- What are you doing??
Belkar: Now leaving Azure City limits!
<sfx> shclukt!
Belkar: THAT is for forcing me to perform a quasi-Good act! Gods, and to think, I bet on someone's life or death with you! Ugh!
<sfx> WHUMPH!
Hobgoblin 1: Halt!
Hobgoblin 2: You're surrounded, halfling!
Hobgoblin 3: Throw down your dagger and surrender!
Belkar: Wow...this is a new experience for me... I've never had karma work in my favor before!
<sfx> shurkcklt! bonk! shunk!

Spoiler: Strip 436

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Non-Military Intelligence
Chang, Captain, Vaarsuvius, Wight, Death Knight

<sfx> puh-ting!
<cutaway>
<sfx> puh-toong!
<cutaway>
<sfx> puh-tang! thunk.
Chang: Captain, report!
Captain: So far, so good, General. We've lost three of the giant soldiers so far, but we now have a line of low-level clerics healing them every few rounds.
<cutaway>
Chang: <voiceover> And the enemy?
Captain: <voiceover> Taking heavy casualties, sir, but they show no signs of slowing down the assault.
<cutback>
Chang: That's not a good sign. The hobgoblins I've fought have always been good soldiers... They wouldn't continue a tactic that was meeting with such failure.
Vaarsuvius: General, if I may? I think you are overestimating the intellect of these foul creatures. It is my belief that they are continuing to attack simply because they are not bright enough to devise a strategy of their own. There is no other logical explanation. I feel confident in stating that since the enemy has so far failed to field a credible melee threat for your magically-enhanced soldiers, you should have no problem holding the breach for the day.
<cutaway>
Wight: Sir, we finally have enough corpses to serve as a ramp for your horse.
<sfx> rrip!! rrip!!
Death Knight: THEN LET THE REAPING BEGIN!!

Spoiler: Strip 437

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Battle Momentum
Chang, Vaarsuvius, Death Knight

Chang: By the Twelve Gods, that thing just ripped through our front lines!
Vaarsuvius: Not to worry: while I have expended many of my area-effect spells, I did maintain a few single-target spells for just such an occasion. Disintegrate!
<sfx> BZZfshhhh....
Death Knight: Bwa ha ha ha!
Vaarsuvius: Thrice-cursed Spell Resistance! It's almost like the universe is trying to enforce some sort of arbitrary equality between those of us who can reshape matter with our thoughts and those who cannot.
Chang: Zap the horse, then!
Vaarsuvius: Why? It hardly appears to be doing that much-
Chang: So he can't use his Mounted Combat feats on us! Hurry!
Vaarsuvius: Oh! Disintegrate!
<sfx> BZZZZZAP!
Death Knight: You try again? Your feeble magics cannot penetrate the unholy radiance of my dark power! I will feast on your entrails this day, elf! Your skill shall serve as my- Oh.
<sfx> WHUMPH!
Vaarsuvius: W. E. Coyote's Law of Cartoon Inertia: "Objects in motion tend to stay at the same altitude until gravity is noticed."
<sfx> screeeeeee- AOO!

Spoiler: Strip 438

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The Paladin is Your Pal
Soldier, Elan, Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2, Hinjo

Solider: How is your wizard doing? Are they holding the breach?
Elan: I don't know, but V is, like, super-powerful. I'm more worried about how I'm doing! I'm running out of puns! Uh...fangs for the memories?
<sfx> dink!
Hobgoblin 1: Dude, you used that joke 3 rounds ago.
Hobgoblin 2: And it was a stretch then.
Hobgoblin 1: You should have said, "I don't like those new-fangled swords you hobgoblins are using."
Hobgoblin 2: Or, "If we do not fang together, we shall surely fang apart."
Elan: Ooooo, that's good! Do you mind if I use that in another battle?
Hobgoblin 2: Considering that would imply you live through this one, yeah, I mind.
Elan: Eeep!
<sfx> fthunk! fthunk!
<not text> Elan
Hinjo: Is that a note?
Elan: Uh, no, sir!
Hinjo: What did I tell you and Miss Starshine about passing notes in my battle?
Elan: That we should be paying attention to who we're fighting.
Hinjo: That's right. Now hand it over.
Elan: Awwww...
Hinjo: You can get it back when I see you after the battle in my office. I mean, throne room.
Solider: Ooooo, you are SO gonna get detention!
Elan: I hope he doesn't notify Roy...

Spoiler: Strip 439

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Seeing Orange
Belkar, Haley, Durkon

Belkar: I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GOD OF WAR!!!
Haley: So, do you want to be the one to tell him that he probably won't get any XP from any of them?
Durkon: Let's draw straws.

Spoiler: Strip 440

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Flew the Coop
Chang, Death Knight, Vaarsuvius, Blackwing

Chang: Surrender!
Death Knight: Burn.
Chang: You bastard!
Death Knight: Your wretched soul shall soon join those of your men.
Chang: You'll never take this city while I'm alive, monster!
<sfx> slash! slash!
Death Knight: Terms accepted.
<sfx> PRLURTCH!
Death Knight: And now for you, elf. Your end is nigh.
Vaarsuvius: Indeed, I have proven quite unable to consistently overcome your spell resistance, leaving me but one tool at my disposal: My loyal raven familiar, who has, naturally, been at my side all along.
<sfx> POP!
Vaarsuvius: Fly, uh, Bird-That-Miss-Starshine-Named! Distract the horrific undead warrior while I escape to safety!
Blackwing: Caw CAW! Caw caw caw, caw!
(B): Screw THAT! You're on your own, mammal!
<sfx> POP!
Vaarsuvius: Cursed bird! I did not realize I accidentally selected "chicken" rather than "raven" from the list of familiars!
Death Knight: Choose your doom, then, chicken-mage: Original Recipe, or Extra Crispy?

Spoiler: Strip 441

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Getting Ahead and Staying Ahead
Xykon, Roy

Xykon: I don't know about you, but I'm starting to wish there was a radio or something in this thing. All this flying around in circles is getting boring.
Roy: Maybe if you fought more and complained less you would... Wait - we're flying in circles?
Xykon: Ellipses, really.
Roy: We're headed back out toward the battlefield???
Xykon: Pretty much.
Roy: Land the dragon!
Xykon: Um, no.
Roy: Land it now, or I'll- I'll-
Xykon: Or you'll what? Hold your breath? Cry? Does little fighty-wighty wanna cry?
<sfx> SHFLCCKT!!
Xykon: What the hell did you do that for?
Roy: Now you have to land the dragon, or it will keep flying forever and take us both away from the battle.
Xykon: Listen, genius, it's a freaking zombie. I control it mentally. It doesn't need ears to hear my commands or eyes to see where it's going. If I want it to turn left and then climb, it just does. Hell, even the reins were there just for show. So your big heroic display of defiance right there actually managed to accomplish no practical effect whatsoever.
<sfx> THUNK.
Xykon: Absolutely no effect at all.

Spoiler: Strip 442

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We Can Do This the Easy Way...
Xykon, Roy

Xykon: Look, kid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I know those paladins have filled your head with that "end of the world" nonsense, but I'll level with you: I like the world. Some of my best evilness took place here. I wouldn't mind ruling it, in fact. I'm certainly not about to destroy it unless I get really, REALLY bored. And I see you're pretty committed to the whole hero bit, which is OK. Good heroes make great villains, you know? But the thing is, your just not playing in my league right now. I'm what, seven levels higher than you? Eight? More? So how about we just call this thing a mulligan? I set you down someplace, and you go off and train for a few years. Fight a bunch of random encounters, maybe an adventure path or two, have some fun with it. Then you come back, hack your ways through my minions, and we have ourselves a good final tussle, Hollywood style. It'll be a hell of a lot more satisfying for both of us, if you ask me.
Roy: ...Are you joking, or are you that stupid?
Xykon: Excuse me?
Roy: My father swore a Blood Oath of Vengeance against you! That binds me to destroy you!
Xykon: Yeah, fine, but there's no expiration date on one of those. It'll keep.
Roy: And what about all of the innocents you kill between now and then?
Xykon: Well now, hold on. Is this about beating me because I'm evil and dangerous and yadda yadda yadda - or is it about beating me because Daddy will be proud of you if you do?
Roy: I'll be the first to admit that I got into this quest for all the wrong reasons, but none of that matters now. You're a threat to the entire world, not just me and my family. But like it or not, you're still MY responsibility. Because I'm the only one here who's willing to be responsible. You might not be out to destroy the physical planet, but living under the heel of a walking villain cliché like you will destroy its soul. If I don't beat you here and now, then soon this screwed-up nonsensical world won't exist anymore. There won't be any place left for introverted dwarves. Or androgynous elves. Or idiotic bards or greedy rogues...or sexy sylphs. Or hell, even raging narcissistic paladins. Bloodthirsty halflings will probably get along fine, though. So in summary, it's a dirty job, but some PC has to do it. Enough with the speeches. Let's get down to brass tacks.
Xykon: Actually, I was thinking-
<sfx> SLASH!
Xykon: HEY! I was trying to-
<sfx> SLASH!
Xykon: Stop that! Geez, I'm trying to-
<sfx> SLASH!
Xykon: Well, OK, then. If that's the way you want to be, no skin off my nasal cavity. I should point out three factors that I think you failed to fully consider, though. Factor One: I can fly under my own power, thanks to the Overland Flight spell I cast this morning.
<sfx> whiff!
Xykon: Factor Two: A zombie dragon that lacks a bite attack isn't especially valuable to me. Factor Three: Meteor Swarm.

Spoiler: Strip 443

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The First Step is a Doozy
Roy

Roy: GAH!!! HOLY CRAP! Wait, Roy- concentrate. You're an adventurer, you can weasel your way out of this. OK, so, if V or Durkon had any spells that could help AND were paying attention, they would have already cast them by now. You're way out of range for a Feather Fall anyway.
<sfx> pop! pop! pop! pop!
Roy: C'mon...if this thing can accidentally summon a rhino, there's got to be a giant eagle in there, right? *sigh* Out of critters. I don't think I'd be so annoyed if I felt like I slowed him down, but I didn't. Hey Dad, FYI, you might want to mention Meteor Swarms to Julia! Do I have any potions that would help? Delay Poison? Shillelagh Oil? Why do I even have these?? I mean, if I had any healing potions left, I could drink one and hope for minimal falling damage, but I drank the last one after I took those arrows for Elan. You know, part of me wants to be mad at him for this somehow, but really, at this point, why bother? I hope him and Haley get out of this mess alive and go live happily ever - WAIT!! Celia's talisman! All I have to do is break it to summon her, and she can fly, fly, fly me away! Ha ha! Hnnnnnnn! Huh. That's harder to break than I would have expected. Maybe if I-
<sfx> SPLAT! thunk!

Spoiler: Strip 444

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He's Dead, Jim
Haley, Durkon, Flumph 1, Flumph 2

Haley: ROY!!!! Durkon, did you see-
Durkon: I saw, lass. 'E dropped like a stone. Let me take a closer look...
(D): I saw, lass. He dropped like a stone. Let me take a closer look...
<cutaway>
Haley: <voiceover> Does he...does he have the X's in his eyes?
<cutback>
Durkon: Aye...he's as dead as a doornail alright.
(D): Yes...he's as dead as a doornail alright.
Haley: Durkon! Good gods, a little sensitivity! Roy just died! He was your best friend!
Durkon: Aye, and tha is why I'm happy. I know Roy, he prob'bly figured tha any damage he done ta Xykon would make it tha much easier fer someone else to beat him. Tha means he died fulfillin' his duty, just like a dwarf. I cannae be sad knowin' me friend got such a good and worthy death. Though I admit tha hittin' the ground might've been a wee bit ignominius...
(D): Yes, and that's why I'm happy. I know Roy, he probably figured that any damage he did to Xykon would make it that much easier for someone else to beat him. That means he died fulfilling his duty, just like a dwarf. I can't be sad knowing my friend got such a good and worthy death. Though I admit that hitting the ground might've been a bit ignominius...
Haley: Roy's dead...and I failed him.
Durkon: Wha? How?
(D): What? How?
Haley: I should have had some sort of arrow that could hurt Xykon. I mean, I knew he was a lich, I should have looked it up. I'm a rogue, I should have been able to sneak a look at the Monster Manual! I could have done that for a friend!
Durkon: Lass, ye cannae dwell on tha now. Yer second-in-command, tha means tha right now, yer our leader. Ye need ta keep it tagether fer the team. Now wha are yer orders?
(D): Haley, you can't dwell on that now. You're second-in-command, that means that right now, you're our leader. You need to keep it together for the team. Now what are yer orders?
Haley: Gods, why did he have to be so stupid and go jump onto a moving dragon? Who was he trying to impress?
Durkon: Lass, listen ta me. LISTEN! Thar was nuthin' ye could've done. Roy was a smart guy. 'e knew tha risks an' accepted dem. Ye couldn'tve talk 'im outta doin' wha was right anymore than I could talk ye outta swindlin' the rich.
(D): Haley, listen to me. LISTEN! There was nothing you could've done. Roy was a smart guy. He knew the risks and accepted them. You couldn't have talked him out of doing what was right anymore than I could talk you out of swindling the rich.
Haley: I guess you're...you're right.
Durkon: 'Course I am. So wha we gotta do is do our best ta win this battle, so we can honor tha sacrifice 'e made with eyes wide open.
(D): Of course I am. So what we gotta do is do our best to win this battle, so we can honor the sacrifice he made with eyes wide open.
Haley: OK. OK, let's beat this army for Roy!
Durkon: Tha's tha spirit! After all, it's na like Roy was expectin' thar to be some soft comfy cushion waitin' fer him when he fell...
(D): That's the spirit! After all, it's not like Roy was expecting there to be some soft comfy cushion waiting for him when he fell...
<cutaway>
Flumph 1: Wait - why do I feel like we were supposed to be somewhere?
Flumph 2: Just eat your brunch.
<chalkboard text> Cliffport Cafe. Today's Specials. Egg White Omlette with Mimosas. $10 gold

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 445 to 465
Book 3: War and Xps
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 445

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A Song for the Departed
Elan, Haley, Durkon, Belkar, Hobgoblin Cleric

Elan: Oh, man, Roy! Why? I know I called you a mean-meanyhead sometimes, but I never wanted your meany-meanhead to hit the groundy-ground!
Haley: Elan, we need to win this battle if Durkon is going to have any chance of raising Roy from the dead.
Durkon: Aye, I dinnae prepare tha spell today, seein' as how it's hard ta cast in tha middle o' battle anyway, an' tha dead don't get much deader if ye wait a day.
(D): Yeah, I didn't prepare the spell today, seeing how it's hard to cast in the middle of battle anyway, and tha dead don't get much deader if you wait a day.
Haley: That means we have to drive the hobgoblisn off before then. You need to keep fighting!
Elan: How am I supposed to come up with puns now? I'm totally bummed out and stuff!
Haley: Then sing, Elan! Sing a bard song for Roy.
Elan: ...OK.
Elan:<singing> O buddy Roy, the lich, the lich came calling From round to round and in the air this day, And though we have all found ourselves a' falling. 'Tis you, 'tis you went splat and we're OK. But come ye back when Raise Dead has been cast After cash for diamond dust we pool, 'Cause we'll be here tomorrow after breakfast, O buddy Roy, O buddy Roy, you're pretty cool. But if tomorrow, it turns out we got smacked down If we're dead, our hit points worn away, Then sorry dude, you won't be coming back now; One death sucks, but six spells T-P-K. I won't see you in the afterlife in that case Because you're lawful and Chaotic Good am I And I don't think they'll let me hang at your place. O buddy Roy, O buddy Roy, why did you die?
Belkar: That was beautiful.
Hobgoblin Cleric: *sniff* I think... I think there's something my eye.
<sfx> SPLORTCH!
Hobgoblin Cleric: AAAH!
Belkar: Got it out for you.

Spoiler: Strip 446

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Hell of a Job
Xykon, Tsukiko, Soldier

Xykon: O guy I killed, the ground, the ground is calling... Catchy tune. OK, time to stop fooling around with the city wall and get right at this castle. Sorry, guys, no time for my usual banter, I'm running late. Looks like I'm gonna have to zap and run.
Tsukiko: Wait! I want to help you! I'm not really with them, I want to be evil! Let me join your side.
Xykon: I think we might have a few entry-level positions. Do you have your resume on you?
Solider: Traitor!
Xykon: Hmmm...trained as a mystic theurge...with two years experience as an intern graverobber...
Tsukiko: Yes sir, I love the undead. I mean I really LOVE the undead.
Xykon: Hey, now, let's keep things professional. I'm not one of those disgusting biophiliacs. Well, kid, let's see what you've got. Hit me with your best negative energy spell, I could use some healing.
Tsukiko: Inflict Critical Wounds!
Xykon: Nice! OK, Miss...uh...
Tsukiko: Tsukiko.
Xykon: Miss Tsukiko, you're gonna fill out these payroll forms and drop them off with the goblin in the red cloak. Welcome to Team Evil. Your first job is to kill everyone on the castle parapets and animate as many as you can as undead.
Tsukiko: With pleasure, sir!
Xykon: Uh, not TOO much pleasure, we have a schedule to keep. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a throne room to find.
Tsukiko: It's on th e8th floor. Now come here, you oppressive sons of bitches! I'm gonna rip off your-
<cutaway>
<panel text> EVIL. A Growth Industry! NASDAQ Symbol: DOOM
Xykon: We're ALWAYS hiring!

Spoiler: Strip 447

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Guarding the Sapphire
Xykon, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness, O-Chul

Xykon: DING! 8th floor: Men's Outerwear, Sporting Goods, and Rifts in the Fabric of the Universe.
<cutaway>
Redcloak: What the hell is he doing?
Monster in the Darkness: I wonder if Xykon has any sisters, too...
<cutaway>
Redcloak: <voiceover> Why is he going for the Gate now? The element of surprise has been completely blown. What possible reason could he have for attacking the Gate now instead of waiting for the army to move in??
<cutaway>
Xykon: Time for some fun.
<sfx> CEESH!!!!
Xykon: Excuse me, would you care to make a donation to the Save the Paladins fund? It's tax deductible.
O-Chul:Sapphire Guard - ATTACK!

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Just Crazy Enough to Work
Xykon, O-Chul, Sapphire Guard Sorceror, Hooded Paladin, Bandana Paladin, Paladin 1

Xykon: Follow the bouncing ball, children.
O-Chul:SMITE EVIL!
<sfx> slash!
Xykon: Meteor-ugh!
<sfx> slash! slash! fizzle!
Xykon: Are you absolutely certain that you shouldn't be paying attention to the bouncing ball?
O-Chul: ...What did you do? What sort of trick is this?
Xykon: Nothing, really. I just inscrubed a Symbol of Insanity on one of those super-bouncy balls and flung it into the middle of your troops back there.
<sfx> boing! boing! boing! boing!
O-Chul: Symbol of...Insanity...
<sfx> slash!! slash!! slash!! slash!!
O-Chul: NO! Can you fix this? Can you dispel it somehow?
Sapphire Guard Sorceror: No, sir. I don't have the right spells. But if it comes down to it, destroying the Gate itself would prevent it from falling- AAAH!
Xykon: Smart kid. That's a pretty good plan. Don't you think?
<sfx> plurnk!
Hooded Paladin: Wait, stop! What are you doing-!
O-Chul:I am sorry, I need to destroy the Gate or all is lost!
Bandana Paladin: I'll hold them off, you get to the throne!
Xykon: Paralyzing Touch. Heh. I tell you, Ugly, nothing's funnier than false hope. You really thought you had a chance there for a second. I mean, sure, I could've just blasted you all from above with fire and lightning and such...but I've always felt that when it's really important, it's worth it to go that extra mile. Don't you agree?
Paladin 1: Oh Twelve Gods...what have I done?? Forgive me!
<sfx> shlurkt.

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Land of the Rising...
Durkon, Hinjo, Xykon, Soon Kim

Durkon: Hinjo, lad! Xykon has entered tha castle!
(D): Hinjo! Xykon has entered the castle!
Hinjo: I know.
<cutaway>
Xykon: So, Ugly, who do you think I should zombify first? I think I'll start with the girls, you strike me as the type to get more offended by that.
<cutback>
Durkon: Those paladins are mid-level, they dinnae stand a chance against 'im.
(D): Those paladins are mid-level, they don't stand a chance against him.
Hinjo: I know.
Durkon: We hafta get up thar an'-
(D): We have to get up there and-
Hinjo: Durkon...there are some secrets that are only known to the ruling family of Azure City-until now.
<cutaway>
Xykon: You know, I can't wait to see the look on Redcloak's face when he sees this.
Soon: Arise my children.
<cutback>
Hinjo: I pray to the twelve gods that my friends can stop Xykon before even one of them dies, but I honestly do not expect it. They knew when they received their orders that they might be called on to give their lives for the cause.
<cutaway>
Xykon: He swore that trick would never work.
Soon: Only the honor of a paladin is unbreakable-
<cutback>
Hinjo: There is a reason we only stationed paladins of the Sapphire Guard in that room today. The truth is, they are not there to guard the Gate alone.
<cutaway>
Soon: -even by death itself.
Xykon: Wait - do you hear a voice?
<cutback>
Hinjo: They are there as reinforcements.
<cutaway>
Soon: Ghost-martyrs of the Sapphire Guard - ATTACK!

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Wands Are for Suckers
Belkar, Eye of Fear and Flame

Belkar: Huh...I could drink the healing potion, but then I would lose this kickass "battle damaged" look. Geez, I bet a guy like Hinjo never has to make a tough decision like this. Ah well, there's still a lot of bad guys who haven't screamed for mercy yet today. OH! And the plucky halfling sticks the landing, ladies andn gentlemen! The judges are sure to like that!
Eye of Fear and Flame: GAH!!!! Are you - are you going to attack me next?
Belkar: Nah, I usually don't bother with undead, they're no fun to kill.
Eye of Fear and Flame: Oh, whew! That's a relief! I was really getting scared there for a moment.
Belkar: Wait you're an undead that gets scared?
Eye of Fear and Flame: This decoy job has really got me on edge...
Belkar: Well THAT changes the equation considerably, I haven't worked out all the math yet, but I can estimate the answer as, "You're screwed."
Eye of Fear and Flame: Stay back! I can shoot Fireballs and Fear beams out of my magical eye gems!
Belkar: ...Really?
Eye of Fear and Flame: Yes! Yes, absolutely! So what are you going to do about THAT, huh??
<panel text> Two rounds later.
Belkar: Now Fireball!
Eye of Fear and Flame: Yes, sir, Mr. Bitterleaf.
Belkar: Good boy!

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Change of Direction
Monster in the Darkness, Redcloak, Hobgoblin General, Hobgoblin, Demon Roach

Monster in the Darkness: So am I gonna get something to devour soon?
Redcloak: Haven’t decided yet.
Monster in the Darkness: Awww, come on!!
Redcloak: Oh, yes, THAT will work. What mortal can resist the siren song of, “Awww, come on!”?
Hobgoblin General: Sir, our southern commanders have just reported. Between the forces of the wall and the rumors of some sort of tiny firebreathing avatar of Death, their troops are being slaughtered.
Redcloak: Uh huh.
Hobgoblin General: What should I tell them?
Redcloak: Tell them to suck it up.
Hobgoblin General: What?
Redcloak: Fine, tell them to press the attack, keep scaling the walls, keep on truckin’.
Hobgoblin General: Supreme Leader, that will only increase casualties!
Redcloak: A distinct possibility, yes. They’re only there to kill as many humans as possible before the northern army takes the city anyway. I didn’t really expect ANY of them to come back alive. Frankly, I have more important things to worry about. Like why they haven’t fired their catapults yet…
Hobgoblin: LOOK OUT!
<sfx> THUD! crack!
Hobgoblin: I regret to report that I am no longer fit for duty… Supreme Leader…
Redcloak: Wait, I can heal – you. He pushed me out of the way… he saved my live.
Hobgoblin General: Of course, Supreme Leader. I will relay your orders now.
Redcloak: What the hell is wrong with me?!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WIRH ME?!? I’ve been sending off you to die like lemmings, but you’re GOBLINS! I’m the High Priest of the Dark One, it’s my job to shepherd the goblin people – ALL of the goblin people! And I’ve been killing you off because of … because of a childish grudge! Oh my god – I’m turning into XYKON! What have I let myself do? It’s like I’m some sort of … racist!
Monster in the Darkness: Well, you do hate humans a lot…
Redcloak: Yes, but I hate all breeds of humans equally. That makes me a speciesist. I have to stop this! I need to stop the senseless deaths! General! Belay those orders! Have the entire force scaling the walls withdraw. Order them to join us en route.
Hobgoblin General: Sir… are we retreating?
Redcloak: Retreating? No. Extended Summon Monster VII! To sound the retreat now would further dishonor the sacrifice of every hobgoblin that has died here. I may not be able to change the fact that I ordered them to their deaths, but I can damn well make sure they weren’t in vain. Order every hobgoblin, zombie, ghoul or whatever else we have to charge that breach in the wall, and not to stop until they feel the ocean spray on their faces. We’re going to win this war NOW.
Monster in the Darkness: Grumble. Why does everyone else get a new pet to ride and I don’t?
Demon Roach: TO WAR!!!

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Breaking and Entering
Vaarsuvius, Soldier 1, Soldier 2, Soldier 3, Soldier 4, Soldier 5, Soldier 6, Soldier 7, Soldier 8, Soldier 9, Soldier 10

Solider 1: That’s the last ghoul, I think.
Solider 2: The hobos are breaking off on the southern end of the city, we should have reinforcements in less than ten minutes!
Female Solider 1: Then we did it! Ha ha! We held the breach!
Solider 3: Quick, someone get up there and check on the enemy.
Solider 4: Uh, guys… I think you should come see this… That’s the whole army.
Solider 1: Are they running at us?
Vaarsuvius: It would appear so.
Solider 5: SCREW THAT!
Solider 1: What?
Solider 5: You heard me. I quit. I’m not dying so Shojo’s nephew can play the heroic knight who goes down fighting the good fight.
Female Solider 2: You know, he’s right. I watched my brother and best friend get eaten by ghouls today – And my best friend’s fiancé cut in two by a hobgoblin. I’m done. I’m getting out of here while I still can.
Solider 2: Yeah, why should I die for a city where the nobles can just relax on their giant yachts while the common people fight for them?
Solider 6: Never would have happened if Shojo was around, I tell you that.
Solider 7: Yeah, he might have been a nut, but he kept things running.
Solider 4: What are you doing?? We have to defend our homeland!
Female Solider 3: We have to defend ourselves* too, and right now, that means being anywhere else.
Solider 8: Let’s get the hell out of here!
Solider 2: I know some caves we can hide in.
Solider 9: I heard there are still some boats at the docks.
Solider 6: Wait up!
Solider 10: You cowards! Deserters!!
Solider 3: Get back here and honor your ancestors!
Solider 1: What about you, wizard?
Vaarsuvius: I have expended most of my magic. I have no potions or scrolls left, and but a single spell remaining.
Solider 1: You’re an elf, right? Pick up a bow and get ready, then.
Vaarsuvius: There is a vast gulf between being proficient in a weapon and being good with a weapon. There is nothing more I can do.
Solider 1: What spell do you have left, anyway?
Vaarsuvius: Invisibility.
Solider 1: Hmm… We could use that to maybe – Oh.
Vaarsuvius: I am sorry
Solider 1: Yeah.
<sfx> rumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerum
Solider 1: OK, then! All the rest of us who are too dumb to run, let’s show these orange bastards what it means to be an Azurite!
Solider 4: YEAH!
Female Soldier 1 : HELL YEAH!
Solider 1: Yeah.
<sfx> blerumblerumblerumble
Solider 1: Holy –
<sfx> rumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumbleru mble

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Heck of a Fight
Hinjo, Huecuva, Argent, Kubota’s Light Blue Ninja, Kubota’s Blue Ninja, Durkon, Tiger, Thor, Odin

Hinjo: Hurry! They need us at the breach! Argent, run as fast as you can!
Huecuva: I know I was ordered to withdraw, but I haven’t gotten my Recommended Daily Value of dead heroes yet. A huecuva’s gotta stay healthy, you know.
Argent: grrrrRRUFF!!
Huecuva: Poison!
Argent: Roar! uwwwwww. uwwwwww. uwwwwww.
Hinjo: Argent! I’m sorry, friend, looks like I must send you back to the Celestial Realms to purge the poison from you. And as for you… Nobody invades my city – and absolutely NOBODY HURTS MY DOG!!!
Huecuva: GAH!
<sfx> slash!!
Huecuva: HARM!
Hinjo: I can make any saving throw you can dish out, skeleton. Smite Evil!
<sfx> SLASH!! shfrtch! shfrtch!
Hinjo: AAAHHHH!
Kubota’s Light Blue Ninja: Daimyo Kubota sends his regards. Is it too early to say, “Lord Kubota”?
Kubota’s Blue Ninja: It does have a nice ring to it.
Hinjo: Oh, you’ve GOT to be kidding me!! NOW?? The city is being invaded as we speak!
Kubota’s Blue Ninja: Yes, and when House Kubota captures it from the hobgoblins next week, the people will cheer.
Kubota’s Light Blue Ninja: The daimyo believes strongly in long-term planning.
Hinjo: Fine, I can fight the two of you, wherever you came from.
Kubota’s Light Blue Ninja: Uh, ninjas?
Kubota’s Blue Ninja: We’ve been standing next to you for like four hours.
Huecuva: HEY! No kill-stealing!
Kubota’s Blue Ninja: HEY! You got your hatred of all that’s good and pure in my contract killing!
Huecuva: Well you got your contract killing in my hatred of all that’s good and pure!
Kubota’s Blue Ninja: You wanna fight? There’s only one ninja left, that means I’m death incarnate!
Huecuva: Bring it on, Little Boy Blue!
Hinjo: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! As the only neutral party who doesn’t care which one of you gets the kill, I think I have a fair compromise. I call my proposal, “Giant Dwarf with a Hammer.”
Huecuva: Huh?
Kubota’s Blue Ninja: That doesn’t make any–
<sfx> WHUMP!
Durkon: Sorry it took so long ta catch up. Short legs.
(D): Sorry it took so long to catch up. Short legs.
Hinjo: …You were 15 feet tall.
Durkon: Aye, an’ you’d think it would matter, but it never seems ta work out tha way. As I ran, I prayed ta Thor ta grant me extra speed… Heal! But I guess he’s off listenin’ ta some other cleric today.
(D): Yes, and you’d think it would matter, but it never seems to work out that way. As I ran, I prayed to Thor to grant me extra speed… Heal! But I guess he’s off listening to some other cleric today.
<cutaway>
Tiger: grrrAWRrr!
Thor: OK! OK! We’ll stay up in the northern lands and leave you guys in the south alone. Just relax get some catnip. Geez, I mean, you bend the rules for a follower ONE TIME, and they never let you live it down.
<sfx> pop!
Odin: Oooo! Doggie!
Thor: Dad, don’t pet it, you don’t know where it’s been.

Spoiler: Strip 454

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The Longshot
Redcloak, Hobgoblin General, Female Soldier, Soldier 1, Soldier 2, Elan, Haley, Durkon, Hinjo.

Redcloak: Welcome to scenic Azure City, men. Legions 12, 15, 22 and, let’s say 47. You’re with me.
Hobgoblin General: The rest of you, continue your march and eliminate all opposition. How will we take that castle’s walls with only four legions?
Redcloak: General, it’s important to realize that there are plans of which I haven’t yet informed you.
<cutaway>
Redcloak: <voiceover> I mean, I’m not going to tell you every single little strategy that I devised in advance.
<sign text> CASTLE GATE WINCH
<note text> Don’t touch!
Redcloak: <voiceover> Some things have got to be a surprise, don’t you think?
<cutback>
<sfx> clanka clanka clanka clanka
Female Solider: What the –?
Solider 1: NO!
Hobgoblin General: Sir, why didn’t we just do that with the city wall?
Redcloak: Less likely to have worked. They guard the first line of defense better than the second line. Also, if we had done it then, we wouldn’t have been able to do it again now. Sometimes, you have to leave a few things in reserve, just on the off-chance that you start winning.
<cutaway>
Elan: Weren’t there a whole lot more good guys before?
Haley: Dead, or deserted.
Durkon: Tha palace gate be open!
(D): The palace gate is open!
Hinjo: No! We can’t let those goblin leaders get in the palace.
Soldier 2: How can we stop them? There’s a billion hobgoblins in the way.
Hinjo: Durkon, do you have any spells–
Durkon: –Tha can reach tha far? Nay, lad, na prepared.
(D): –That can reach that far? No, lad, not prepared.
Haley: I can do it.
Elan: Haley, that’s, like, WAY outside your Sneak Attack range.
HS: But it’s not outside my longbow range. I don’t need to kill him in one shot, I just need to peg him hard so that he looks over here and sees a bunch of high-level PC’s. Then, he can come over and fight us instead of going into the castle.
Elan: Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot the goblin on the red elephant!
<sfx> TWANG! thunk! thunk! thunk! thunk!
Haley: What the hell??? One of them should have hit!
Durkon: Lass, it were an awful difficult shot.
(D): Lass, it was an awfully difficult shot.
Haley: Exactly! It was totally dramatic! How did I miss?
Durkon: I think maybe ye be spendin’ too much time wit Elan…
(D): I think maybe you are spending too much time with Elan…
Haley: I mean, why spend four panels watching the arrow if it wasn’t going to do anything???
<cutaway>
Hinjo: <voiceover> It got someone’s attention, all right… Just not the right someones.
Elan: <voiceover> Oh man, Roy’s butt would sure come in handy right now!

Spoiler: Strip 455

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Incoming!
Hobgoblin Cleric, Belkar, Skullsy, Elan, Durkon, Haley, Daigo, Hinjo, Kazumi, Illusory Hinjo, Illusory Haley, Illusory Belkar, Illusory Elan, Illusory Durkon

Hobgoblin Cleric 1: FIRE!
Belkar: Don’t mind if I do.
<cutaway>
Belkar: Get it? Because he said, “Fire!” and then you used a “Fire”-ball, and now they’re all dead.
Eye of Fear and Flame: Yes, sir. Very funny, sir. Please don’t hurt me.
Elan: Belkar! You came back to help us!
Belkar: Actually, all the hobgoblins ran into the city, and I just followed them. So it was more of a prey migration thing, really. I’d love to kill them all for you, but my friend can only Fireball every so often, and SOMEONE decided to keep a spell on me that prevents me from killing inside a city. Hinjo.
Durkon: Lass, tha ones tha lived are startin’ ta recover thar focus.
(D): Lass, the ones that lived are starting to recover their focus.
Haley: OW! I noticed. We need to get out of the spotlight, unless we want PC to stand for Pin Cushion. As current leader of the Order of the Stick, it is my solemn duty to call for the execution of our oldest, most reliable strategy. RUN!!
Daigo: You too. Sir.
Hinjo: Take cover in the tower!
Kazumi: Hey, wait for me!
Haley: Well, it’s better than being out there, but I don’t like being trapped in a tower.
Hinjo: We’re not trapped, there’s a tunnel out of here on the ground floor.
Haley: It leads to the castle? Perfect! We can sneak into –
Durkon: Cure Light Wounds.
Hinjo: No, it leads to the armory that builds and services the catapults, about six blocks away. We thought that a tunnel that led directly to the castle was too dangerous.
Haley: I guess that’s something. But what we really need is a way to get into the palace to keep Xykon from getting his bony hands on that Gate.
Hinjo: Agreed.
Durkon: But if’n tha hobbos think we’re in here, they’ll break tha door down ev’ntually. Cure Light Wounds.
(D): But if the hobbos think we’re in here, they’ll break the door down eventually. Cure Light Wounds.
Haley: I have an idea. Elan, follow me.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Take a squad of men up there and get into that tower, I don’t want anyone hiding in –
Illusory Hinjo: Hello, nice hobgoblins! My name is Hinjo. I am here right now.
Illusory Haley: I am Haley. I, too, am here.
Illusory Belkar: We are all here right now, and definitely not somewhere else.
Haley: <whispering> Elan, you put yourself in the wrong clothes.
Elan: <whispering> Whoops, I forgot!
Hobgoblin Cleric: There they are. Shoot them!
Haley: <whispering> Honey, you have to make them react to the arrows or it’s going to spoil the illusion!
Elan: <whispering> Oh, right!
Illusory Hinjo: Ow.
Illusory Haley: Ow.
Illusory Elan: Ow.
Illusory Durkon: Ow.
Illusory Hinjo: Oh my. In my death stagger I am accidentally falling of the edge of the wall.
Illusory Haley: Me too.
Illusory Elan: It sure would be a waste of time to search for the bodies.
Haley: <whispering> Did it work?
Elan: <whispering> Definitely.
Haley: <whispering> How can you be sure?
<cutaway>
<T-shirt text> I killed a PC all I got was this lousy t-shirt!

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[URL="http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0456.html"]Saved Game
Redcloak, High Priest, Hobgoblin General

Redcloak: Have the troops spread out through the courtyard, I want the palace surrounded. I’ll handle these guys.
High Priest: HALT! I’m the high priest of the Twelve Gods!
Redcloak: Yeah? Well I am the high priest of the Dark One, so you can kiss my green ass, human.
<sfx> Wumph!
High Priest: I propose that we let the titanic magic of our respective deities determine this contest. Let us duel, cleric against cleric, until only one of us lives.
Redcloak: Earlier today, I would have told you to get bent, since my side is already winning and I have nothing to gain and everything to lose. However, duelling would save the lives of any hobgoblins your spells would have killed. So I guess you got yourself a deal.
High Priest: THEN LET US BEGIN THE ULTIMATE DUEL BETWEEN CLERICS! Blindness!
Redcloak: Made my saving throw. Poison!
High Priest: Made my saving throw. Bestow Curse!
Redcloak: Made my saving throw. Slay Living!
High Priest: Made my saving throw. Hold Monster!
Redcloak: Wait, you get that spell?
High Priest: Law Domain.
Redcloak: Oh, and made my saving throw. Plane Shift!
High Priest: Made my saving throw. Plane Shift!
Redcloak: Made my saving throw. (Copycat.) Destruction!
High Priest: …Does a 21 save?
Redcloak: No.
Goblin High Priest: Crap.
<sfx> ZOT!
Hobgoblin General: Truly, there has never been a more spectacular display of magic in the annals of warfare.
Redcloak: Yeah, we really blew the special effects budget on that one. Watch it, I think you stepped in cleric.

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Anti-Human Resources
Redcloak, Chlorine Elemental, Tsukiko

Redcloak: Chlorine Elemental, kill all the humans in the courtyard.
Chlorine Elemental: kill all humans.
Tsukiko: Excuse me, Xykon said I’m supposed to drop some paperwork off with you?
Redcloak: What? Who the hell are you?
Tsukiko: I’m Tsukiko, mystic theurge, I’m on your team now.
Redcloak: You’ve got to be kidding me. Putting aside for a* moment the staggeringly high probability that you’re some kind of Azurite double agent… Do you actually expect me to believe that Xykon stopped in the middle of a battle to conduct a job interview?
<paper text> Redcloak: Check it out, I totally conducted a job interview in the middle of the battle. -- Xykon
Redcloak: *sigh* Look, I’m pretty busy at the moment, I’ll deal with this later.
Tsukiko: I’m pretty sure Xykon wanted you to deal with it now.
Redcloak: Well, what Xykon wants and what’s a good idea tend to diverge significantly.
Tsukiko: Well, that’s OK. He’s inside here, right. I’ll just follow you up and we can ask him.
Redcloak: Oooo, I’m sorry, this party is invitation only, and you? You’re not on the list. If you have any questions, you’ll have to take it up with my assistant. His name is, “15d6 points of Whirling Death for Humans.”
Tsukiko: Fine, where can I find him?
Redcloak: Right here. Blade Barrier.
Tsukiko: AAAH! Hey, I am SO telling Xykon about this!
Redcloak: Yeah? Don’t forget to mention the elemental.
Tsukiko: Huh? Mention what about the elemental?
Chlorine Elemental: kill all humans.

Spoiler: Strip 458

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Exit Strategy
Chlorine Elemental, Old Azurite Prisoner, Tsukiko, Nale, Thog, Soldier, Hobgoblin, Sabine

Chlorine Elemental: Kill all humans.
<cutaway>
Kidnapper Guy: HA! I knew I made the right call staying in prison. That Tsukiko chick is getting her ass kicked by an elemental! It’s so much safer up here!
<cutback>
Tsukiko: SHOUT!
<cutaway>
<sfx> THUNK!
Nale: Well, now, really, what did you expect after a line like that? Thog, give me a boost, I think I can squeeze up there…
Thog: thog always dreamed of being footstool, thog never thought dream come true. *sniff* it everything thog imagined, and so much more.
Nale: Charm Person! Give me your sword.
Solider: Yes, sir!
Hobgoblin: Hey, thanks! I guess I’m lucky you really needed a katana!
Nale: I prefer longswords, actually.
<sfx> slash!
Sabine: He sure is taking a long time out there…
Thog: nale only been gone for four panels.
Sabine: Thog, when someone in a comic strip says, “he sure is taking a long time,” it indicates that time has passed between panels.
Thog: ohhhh! sabine smart!
Sabine: Nale, there you are.
Nale: Interesting trivia fact: The guard with the keys ha a higher-than-average Will Save for a fighter.
Thog: thog free, free as the wind!
Sabine: Oooo, I missed you so much, baby!
Nale: Me too, now let’s get out of here.
Sabine: What about the ex-paladin, do we spring her?
Nale: Honey, she snapped your neck!
Sabine: … I got better.
Nale: No, no other prisoners. She can find her own way out. I’m sick of dead weight on this team. I mean, “Pompey”? What was I possibly thinking?
Sabine: So, are we going to go find the Order of the Stick and kill them?
Nale: As much as it seemingly violates the Linear Guild charter, not today, dear. There are already way too many characters involved in the action here: My brother, his followers, Xykon, HIS followers, the paladins, the ex-paladin, probably a few D-listers we don’t even know about… Besides, why make this into a three-way struggle for Soon’s Gate, when there are two other perfectly good Gates out there waiting to be found? Let them fight over this one, we’ll sneak of and* capture another, don’t you agree?
Sabine: … Oh, sorry. I kinda got distracted when you said the word, “three-way”. So, does this mean we’re giving up on revenge?
Nale: Don’t be silly, the never-ending escalation of petty revenge will continue, but at a more prudent time and place.
Sabine: Then where are we going?
Nale: Shopping. Thog and I left all of our magic items in Cliffport. After that, wherever our evil schemes take us, my dear.
<sfx> RUMBLE!!!
Nale: Which, apparently will include another ice cream parlor.
Thog: hooray!

Spoiler: Strip 459

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Negative Feelings
Redcloak, Xykon, Hobgoblin Cleric, Soon

Redcloak: Make sure all of the entrances are blocked, Xykon should have seized the throne room by now.
Xykon: Why don’t you DIE again, you stupid, friggin’ ghost-thingies?!?
Redcloak: “Should have” being the key phrase. come on.
Xykon: What took you so long?
Redcloak: Xykon! Are you OK?
Xykon: I tell you, most of them only sting a little, but the dude with the Fu Manchu really packs a wallop.
Redcloak: Harm! Now make that last, that’s my last one.
Xykon: I already tagged a bunch, but there’s still a ton left. Suckers are tough.
Redcloak: Wait, were you using fire and lightning to fight them?
Xykon: Yeah, why?
Redcloak: Sir, that stuff has only a 50% chance of affecting incorporeal creatures at all!
Xykon: Well how am I supposed to remember that? Like I sat and read the rules on Special Abilities.
Redcloak: Actually… I don’t think they ARE ghost. I don’t even think they’re undead. They look like some sort of positive energy spirits, probably homebrewed, or cribbed off of another campaign setting… Do you have any uses of Rebuke Undead left?
Hobgoblin Cleric: I thought you said they weren’t undead.
Redcloak: They’re not. But you know how a negative energy spell like Harm heals the undead? If a good cleric can turn or destroy undead by channeling positive energy –
Hobgoblin Cleric: – Then we should be able to channel our negative energy to turn or destroy these positive energy spirits! Brilliant, Supreme Leader!
Xykon: Did you two nerds come up with a plan yet? I’m running out of spells above 5th level!
Hobgoblin Cleric & Redcloak: TURN UNDEAD!
Redcloak: (Sort of.)
<sfx> POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF!
Hobgoblin Cleric: Sir, mine didn’t work. Aah!
Redcloak: Mine did. I think the throne room is consecrated, and you’re not high enough level to overcome its effects. OK, get out of here, and keep the other hobgoblin from coming in until I give the all clear.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Sir, look out!
Soon: Bearer of the Crimson Mantle! Too long has your evil threatened the world! Your death here today shall end your wretched kind’s threat forever!
Redcloak: Funny, I was thinking the exact same thing about the Sapphire Guard.
<sfx> POOF! POOF! POOF!
Redcloak: Interesting…
Xykon: So, any ideas on how we should fight ‘Stache boy, whoever he is.
Redcloak: Soon.
Xykon: I’d prefer to know right now, thanks.
Redcloak: No, I mean, that’s his name.
Xykon: What is?
Redcloak: Soon.
Xykon: Look, if you don’t want to tell me his name yet, fine, but we really should find a way to beat him!
Redcloak: *sigh* My negative energy spells didn’t affect him directly – he probably has way too many Hit Dice – but he DID seem to be stunned when his lackeys were poofed. I can keep “turning” them, I need you to keep Soon – uh, the leader – occupied while I do it.
Xykon: With what? I low on high level spells, and you said that fire and lightning don’t work right.
Redcloak: Try Magic Missile.
Xykon: Have you lost your green mind? That’s like my single weakest spell!
Redcloak: But it deals force damage, which should be effective against incorporeal beings.
Xykon: …Oh, really?
Soon: I’ll handle the cleric, you keep whittling at the lich.
Xykon: HEY! Paladin dude! Do you know what the best part about killing the entire sapphire Guard was? Neither do I. I wasn’t actually paying attention when I did it. Maximized Magic Missile.
Soon: Undead abomination, the holy light of the twelve Gods shall strike you down. SMITE EVIL!
Xykon: AAHHH! Goddamn it, I forgot how much pain tends to hurt!

Spoiler: Strip 460

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Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign
Miko, Xykon

Miko: Mighty Twelve Gods, I have emptied my thoughts so that I might pray to you. First I give you thanks for removing the irritating distractions and their ceaseless blather from this prison. I was getting nowhere trying to meditate around them, anyway. I ask now than you help me to understand your divine will. I know you have a grand destiny in store for me, but for some reason it has recently become more difficult for me to see what it might be. I’m sure it was not your intension to send mixed signals, however. I pray that you show me a sign – something that will tell me what my role is in this, my people’s darkest hour. I understand. You clearly do not desire me to – NNNH!
<sfx> baDNNNG!
Miko: –be imprisoned, or you would not have allowed the – NNH!
<sfx> baDNNNG!
Miko: –bars to become cracked when the – NNNH!
<sfx> KRACK!
Miko: –castle sustained damage. I take the fact that I am currently leaving the prison to be further proof that it is the will of the gods that I escape – for surely, if they wanted me to remain, they easily have the power to stop me. Therefore, I can only conclude that the gods want me to continue my mission I engaged when I was somehow defeated. Specifically, the punishment of the Order of the Stick for their betrayal of Azure City. No sign can be clearer than – … My city… My beautiful city… By the Twelve Gods, I swear that the Order of the Stick will pay for their part in this!
Xykon: Come on, you sissy, is that the best you can do? Your ma hits harder than that – and can grow better facial hair! GNNNH!
Miko: The throne room… and that was the lich’s voice, I’m sure of it. The Order’s punishment will have to be delayed. The safety of the Gate comes first. My oath to protect it does not fade just because Hinjo tries to remove me from my rightful position. Once again, it appears Greenhilt will escape the fate he has so richly deserved since the day he sided with that evil halfling.

Spoiler: Strip 461

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I’ve Got a Bad Feeling About This
Hobgoblin Cleric, Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2, Miko, Elan, Haley, Belkar, Kazumi

Hobgoblin Cleric: Hey, the Supreme Leader said to stay here!
Hobgoblin 1: We should be helping him!
Hobgoblin 2: Yeah!
Hobgoblin Cleric: Those are positive energy spirits now, not flesh-and-blood humans! You can’t hit them with nonmagical weapons like that! Trust me, we’re a LOT safer staying right –
<sfx> POW! clunk! chop! POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF!
Miko: It all makes sense now. I understand what I need to do. The path is clear.
<cutaway>
Elan: …Hey, did anyone else get that foreboding feeling just now? Guys?
Haley: No, we are NOT launching ourselves into the throne room using the catapult!
Belkar: Why the hell not?
Haley: Because we don’t know how to aim a catapult that precisely!
Belkar: Right, and that’s why we fling the two nameless soldiers first, so we can see where they splat and adjust our aim accordingly. I mean, seriously, do I have to think about everything around here???
Kazumi: *gulp*

Spoiler: Strip 462

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Good Idea, Bad Idea
Xykon, Soon, Redcloak, Miko

Xykon: Hey! What’s hilarious here is you thinking that you can actually destroy me. Go ahead and pound my body into dust, I’ll just grow a new one later.
<sfx> wiff!
Soon: I suppose it would be prudent to kill the goblin who is carrying your phylactery around his neck as well, then. I may not be able to smash it myself due to my insubstantial nature – but I can instruct the first human to enter this room about the particulars.
Xykon: Redcloak! Stop waving that thing around and get the hell out of here!
<sfx> POOF!
Redcloak: What? But I’m done –
Xykon: Just do it! Go! GO!!! AHHH!
Redcloak: AHHH!
<sfx> fizzle!
Soon: Smite Evil! Smite Evil!
<sfx> fizzle!
Xykon: Hey, Redcloak… we really had a shot at the prize there for a minute, didn’t we?
Redcloak: Yeah. Yeah, we did.
Miko: I, Miko Miyazaki – now fulfil the divine destiny the Twelve Gods have revealed to me!
Soon: No! Miko, you don’t need to –
<sfx> whisk!
Xykon: I think that’s our exit cue.
<sfx> CRRAAACK!!

Spoiler: Strip 463

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Shattered
Haley, Elan, Durkon, Hinjo, Belkar, Monster in the Darkness, Demon Roach

<sfx> KRRAACKKAKOOOOOOM!!!
Haley: –and then Elan and I knock on the front door dressed as wandering cheese sellers.
Elan: Everyone knows hobgoblins can’t resist a fine gouda.
Durkon: Wha tha hell was tha racket?
(D): What the hell was that racket?
Hinjo: Wait. That noise… I need to see the castle!
Belkar: Hey!
Haley: Whoa!
Hinjo: The Gate…Soon’s Gate has been destroyed.
Belkar: Along with local property values, looks like.
Hinjo: I suppose it’s too much to hope if any villains died in that blast, right?
Durkon: Aye, look – Xykon an tha goblin managed ta ‘scape from tha ‘splosion.
(D): Yes, look – Xykon and the goblin managed to escape from the explosion.
Hinjo: I guess O-Chul did what he had to… shatter the Gate in order to keep Xykon from seizing it.
Haley: Do you think… do you think any of your friends could’ve survived an explosion like that?
Hinjo: No. Assuming many were still alive to begin with; none of them would have risked destroying the Gate until all hope was lost. O-Chul, old friend… looks like we’ll share that drink someday after all…
<cutaway>
Monster in the Darkness: Yes, Mr. Dragon, it WAS awfully rude of them to not let me in their stupid old battle. An unexpected guest! This is the best tea party EVER!!
Demon Roach: Hey, buddy, this is a smoke-free establishment.

Spoiler: Strip 464

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Not for Everyone
Soon, Miko

Soon: …Hello, Miko.
Miko: Lord Soon! I did well, didn’t I? I did what the gods wanted! That’s why you’re here, right? To thank me?
Miko: You have done… adequately. By destroying my Gate, you have ensured that it can no longer be used for Evil purposes. You have fulfilled your oath to protect this on Gate… technically. Had you been less hasty, however, I might have ended Xykon’s threat permanently.
Miko: Destroy him now! You can still fly after him!
Soon: Our oaths to protect the Gate was all that bound our souls to this world. With the gate shattered, my spirit can no longer influence this world. Even now, we are fading to the Celestial Realm. We will usher you to your destination as well.
Miko: Really? Does that mean I get to be a paladin again?
Soon: … No. I’m truly sorry, Miko, but redemption requires more than simply the execution of your duty, even if you follow that duty to the end. True redemption demands that you seek forgiveness for your past misdeeds. That you atone for the actions that caused the Twelve Gods to turn away from you. That you even acknowledge that you could, in fact, be wrong. You have done none of this. Perhaps, if you had more time… but then again, perhaps not. Redemption is a rare and special thing, after all. It is not for everyone.
Miko: Will…will I get to see Windstriker again?
Soon: Of course. He has been waiting for you. He will visit you as much as he is able.
Miko: OK… OK, then…I can live with that.

Spoiler: Strip 465

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No One Likes a Tattletale
Xykon, Hobgoblin Cleric 1, Hobgoblin Cleric 2, Redcloak, Tsukiko

Xykon: Hey! Stupid hobgoblins! Your Grand Poobah needs a cleric!
Hobgoblin Cleric 1: Supreme Leader!
Hobgoblin Cleric 2: Cure Moderate Wounds!
Hobgoblin Cleric 1: Cure Serious Wounds!
Hobgoblin Cleric 2: Cure Moderate Wounds!
Redcloak: OK, OK, thanks, guys. I’ll take it from here. Cure Critical Wounds! Wait… why am I outdoors? What happened to the Gate?
Xykon: Some crazy beige bitch smashed it with a sword. Blew half the castle.
Redcloak: What?? NO! Goddamn it, we were so close!
Xykon: Tell me about it, I could practically smell the incense from my coronation as World Emperor. What is really amazing, since I don’t have a sense of smell.
Tsukiko: There you are!
Redcloak: Ugh, not this again.
Xykon: Who’s that?
Redcloak: The new girl.
Tsukiko: Lord Xykon, I wish to register a complaint about this goblin! He wouldn’t help me with the paperwork that you asked me to give to him, and then he cast Blade Barrier right in front of me. And then he ordered his elemental to try and kill me! Plus, I think he dropped a castle on me!
Xykon: Redcloak, is this true?
Redcloak: No. Technically, I just ordered the elemental to kill all humans, and then “forgot” to make an exception for her.
Xykon: Oh, man, that’s even funnier!
Redcloak: Heh, I know.
Tsukiko: Hey! You should discipline him!!
Xykon: Listen, newbie, we’re the villains. We play rough. You didn’t die, so quit your whining and go do something useful.
Redcloak: Yeah, like go animate some of the few thousand new corpses that just got created.
Tsukiko: Stupid goblin… I’ll show him, I’ll make the most powerful undead warrior he’s ever seen from the first body I find!! It’ll be free-willed and evil and mean, with cool black and red armor, and it’ll kill him, and I’ll take over his job! Oh, wait …that’s only half. I need a whole corpse. Ah, never mind. That’s a dumb idea. It probably wouldn’t have been all that powerful anyway.

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[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 466 to 484
Book 3: War and Xps
Previous Page | Index | Next Book

Spoiler: Strip 466

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I think I Left it in the Bag…
Hobgoblin, Redcloak, Xykon

Hobgoblin: –and we estimate about 10,000 deaths on each side, counting both the battle and the explosion. The good news is, that’s only about one-third of our force, and almost all of theirs.
Redcloak: I guess that’s something, then. How are the men?
Hobgoblin: Shaken, but holding in there.
Redcloak: Good. And the general?
Hobgoblin: I’m sorry, Supreme Leader. He was in the courtyard.
Redcloak: Damn it! OK, get back to your legion and relay my orders.
Hobgoblin: Yes, sir.
Xykon: So, just about ready for us to get out of here?
Redcloak: “Get out of here”? Why would we want to do that??
Xykon: Uh, because they won and we lost? Didn’t you get the memo, it was taped to an exploding castle?
Redcloak: We didn’t lose, we destroyed the Sapphire Guard. Oh, sure, there may be a few stray paladins left here and there, but their numbers are depleted, their headquarters has been destroyed, and their base of operations has been conquered. As an organization, stick a fork in them, they’re done. If we did nothing else here today, at least no more young goblin children will have to watch their family be slaughtered by blue-clad humans.
Xykon: Gosh, I’m getting teary just thinking about it! Oh, no, wait, that’s just condensation on my undead skull. Sending spell for Redcloak: All I care about is the MacGuffin, and ours just blew up. Time to hit the road and find the next one.
Redcloak: I don’t think you’re looking at this the right way, sir. Yes, we failed to obtain the Gate –
Xykon: Understatement!
Redcloak: – but we’ve hardly achieved nothing. Azure City’s armed forces are dead or routing. The explosion took out most of their remaining troops. We’re in undisputed control right now.
Xykon: So what?? Still no ultra-powerful artifact that we can use to rule the world.
Redcloak: Sir, we almost died up there because we didn’t know that the Gate was guarded by a legion of ghost… things. We need to do some serious research before we head to the next Gate, and I would bet good money that somewhere in this city, someone wrote down how the other Gates are guarded.
Redcloak: We can take our time learning what we need, because as of right now, we own this city!
Xykon: … I don’t suppose we kept the receipt?
<sfx> CRASH!

Spoiler: Strip 467

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Learn to Play it Right
Haley, Hinjo, Belkar, Durkon, Elan, Daigo

Haley: …Well, OK, then. Good game, people, time to pack it in.
Hinjo: What? What do you mean?
Haley: I mean, we’re done here. We’re leaving, now.
Belkar: Thank you! I’m sick to death of the color blue!
Hinjo: You can’t leave!
Belkar: Tell that to my perfectly-muscled ass as it walk out the door.
Haley: I’m not trying to be cold, Hinjo, but come on. There’s nothing left we can do here. Our leader is dead, our most powerful member is MIA, and Durkon has been healing us all day.
Durkon: Most o’ it off-panel, but still.
(D): Most of it off-panel, but still.
Haley: We’re tapped out. We need to retreat, rest, and come back at this problem from some other angle.
Hinjo: What are you talking about?? You guys could kill hundreds more today!!
Haley: Too bad that there’s still tens of thousands left to be killed. Not to mention Xykon – you remember Xykon, he killed Roy – is still flying around up there. If we start making a scene, knocking off hobgoblins left and right, we’re gonna have an sorcerer lich ALL up in our business faster than you can say, “inappropriate encounter level.”
Durkon: An’ we’re in no shape ta fight Xykon anymore. I mean, he somehow beat tha ghost o’ Soon, else O-Chul wouldn’ta blow tha Gate, right?
(D): And we’re in no shape to fight Xykon anymore. I mean, he somehow beat the ghost of Soon, else O-Chul wouldn’t blow the Gate, right?
Hinjo: I suppose that’s true.
Haley: When I was little, my daddy taught me the words of a very wise man: “You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em. Know when to walk away and know when to run.”
Elan: Amen.
Belkar: The man makes some fine roast chicken.
Hinjo: But I can’t leave azure City in its hour of need!
Haley: First, not to put a too fine a point on it, we, the Order of the Stick, are leaving. Whether you join us is, frankly, up to you. And second, Azure City’s hour of need was, like, three hours ago, and you were there for that. This is now OUR hour of need, as in, “need not to get killed for no reason.” Roy may have been OK with dying as a hero, but I’d much rather live as one. Winning the battle isn’t on the table anymore. Surviving the battle is the priority now, and it’s slipping away fast.
Durkon: Lad, I know it’s hard, but she ain’t wrong. Thar’s nuthin’ ye can do right now, but if’n ye leave, ye can come back stronger.
(D): Lad, I know it’s hard, but she isn’t wrong. There’s nothing you can do right now, but if you leave, you can come back stronger.
Hinjo: What about all of the people that will die between now and then?
Durkon: It cannae be more than tha people who’ll die if’n ye ne’er came back at all, ‘cause ye died fightin’ a hopeless battle today. Ye gotta do tha good ye can, when ye can. Else you end up doin’ na good at all.
(D): It cannot be more than the people who’ll die if you never came back at all, because you died fighting a hopeless battle today. You got to do the best* you can, when you can. Else you end up doing no good at all.
Elan: And don’t forget the people on the boats. I mean, they’re your people, too, and you totally don’t want to leave them in the hands of a doodoo-head like that Kubota guy. He reminds me too much of my brother.
Hinjo: I … I can’t run away! That’s not what a paladin does when evil attacks!
Belkar: Yeah, well, you need –
Daigo: Sir? Sir, I know it isn’t really my place to say, but … if we’re going to ever retake the city, we’ll need you leading the charge. Not the nobles, who are, as the bard said, doodoo heads. You’re a very good paladin, sir, but – right now, I think our people need their lord more than they need a paladin.
Hinjo: … Fine, we’ll retreat.
Belkar: And another thing – You need to get over your overcompensating-for-something paladin ego that say you need to go down fighting like a dumbass. Do what you need to do for your lame blue city, even if you turn a lovely shade of tan for it. Your uncle had it figured out, you know, but he was less of a wuss then you are. Your stupid sissy honor isn’t more important then making sure that when it’s all over, Xykon has been stomped into the dirt.
Haley: Umm, Belkar, he already agreed to retreat with us…
Belkar: Yeah, but I was all psyched up to call him a dumbass, a wuss and a sissy when No-Name cut me off. It’s what I call an “Insult of Opportunity”.

Spoiler: Strip 468

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Splitting Up is Hard to Do
Hinjo, Haley, Belkar, Elan, Durkon, Skullsy, Kazumi, Daigo

Hinjo: Here’s the tunnel I was talking about. It won’t get us all the way to the docks, but it will let us get past a lot of hobgoblins. We’ll have to make the rest of the way above ground.
Haley: Wait, the docks? I thought all the ships left this morning.
Hinjo: One didn’t. Lien is still holding my personal junk there.
Belkar: Heh heh, your junk.
Hinjo: If we can get to it, we can reunite with the civilian fleet – and the nobles.
Haley: Good plan. You, Elan, Belkar, Durkon, and the two redshirts should head for the boat.
Hinjo: Huh? What about you?
Haley: I need to go retrieve a friend’s corpse.
Elan: What?? By yourself? It’s too dangerous!
Haley: That’s precisely why I need to go alone: this job need stealth. I can sneak past the soldiers, snag Roy’s body and shove it into one of my Bags of Holding. Then I’ll haul ass and meet you at the boat. Heck, my Movement Speed is better than Hinjo’s or Durkon’s, I may even beat you there.
Elan: But… But…
Haley: It’s the only way to get Roy’s body back, baby. Durkon needs his body if he’s going to raise him from the dead.
Belkar: Heh heh, Durkon needs Roy’s body.
Haley: It’ll be OK, Elan. Hobgoblins have crappy Listen and Spot checks, I’ll slip right past them.
Elan: Sigh, OK… but only because it’s for Roy. I just wish I had more ranks in Hide so I could go too.
Belkar: Good, glad that’s settled. I’m going with Haley.
Haley: What? No, I’ll be fine.
Elan: Wow, Belkar, I can’t believe you care so much about Roy!
Belkar: I don’t give a dire rat’s ass about Roy, you idiot! But if you remember the terms of the oh-my-gods-can-it-get-more annoying Mark of Justice, I can’t be more than one mile from Roy’s position without it going off. And he had the gall to get killed a good three miles from the docks. Plus, I’d rather you didn’t put him in a Bag of Holding. With my luck, pushing him in an extraplanar space like that, will count as him being on another plane of existence, and the stupid curse will go off anyway. Together, we’re more than strong enough to carry him back. So, like it or not, I’m going with you.
Haley: Well, you do have a good Hide skill…OK. You can come.
Durkon: Wha’ aboot Vaarsuvius? ‘E’s still out thar.
(D): What about Vaarsuvius? He’s still out there.
Haley: I don’t know. But tomorrow, you can prepare a Sending spell and we can try to make contact – if V’s alive.
Hinjo: OK, then. We’ll meet you at the docks, then.
Haley: Yup. Good luck.
Hinjo: May the Twelve Gods bless you.
Haley: Save a spot for me.
Elan: I’ll find the comfiest seat on the boat.
<sfx> smooch!
Haley: …I love you.
Elan: I love you, too.
<sfx> SMOOCH!! smooch! smooch! smooch! slurp! smooch! smooch! smooch! smooch! grope! grope!
Belkar: HEY! Break it up! Don’t make me use the Fireball on you two!!
Eye of Fear and Flame: Ugh, biology is disgusting.
Kazumi: So… I know this is kinda forward of me, but when this whole thing is over, would you like to maybe go get a cup of–
Daigo: Absolutely.

Spoiler: Strip 469

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Crossbones
Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2, Hobgoblin 3, Hobgoblin 4, Hobgoblin 5, Hobgoblin 6, Haley, Belkar, Skullsy

Hobgoblin 1: –look, I’m just saying, after ,what, eight seasons? I think we deserved a more definite ending.
Hobgoblin 2: That’s because you don’t get the point, which is –
Hobgoblin 3: Will you two shut up about that already?
Haley: <whispering> We need to get rid of those guards without raising the alarm…
Belkar: <whispering> Leave it to me, I’ll use the skull.
Haley: <whispering> Belkar, everyone will see a Fireball!
Belkar: <whispering> Relax, like all great appliances, it has more than one speed. Check it out: Fear beam, Skullsy.
Eye of Fear and Flame: Yes, sir.
Hobgoblin 1: I’m afraid I left the oven on!
Hobgoblin 2: I’m afraid I’m losing my individuality!
Hobgoblin 3: I’m afraid of fear itself!
Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2 & Hobgoblin 3: Ahhhhhh!!!
Haley: Hey, not bad. That skull is useful.
Belkar: I know, it’s like having a wand that I can activate with Intimidate.
Haley: It’s a shame you’ll have to give it up eventually.
Belkar: What are you talking about? Skullsy is here to stay! And forget just the magic beams, I can think of dozens of uses for him: Alarm system, bottle opener, stool, can crusher, nutcracker, paperweight, bowling ball…
Eye of Fear and Flame: …
Belkar: … Emergency chamber pot…
Eye of Fear and Flame: …OK, that’s it. That’s the last straw. HEY! HOBGOBLIN GUYS!
Haley: Shhhhh!
Belkar: What are you doing?!?
Eye of Fear and Flame: THIS HUMAN AND THIS HALFLING ARE TRYING TO SNEAK OUT OF THE CITY!
Belkar: HEY! Shut the hell up, you third-rate Yorick knock-off!
Eye of Fear and Flame: Yeah, it turns out there WAS something I was more afraid of than being destroyed. So I literally don’t have to take your crap. FIREBALL!
Haley: Belkar, you took no damage!
Belkar: Huh, when did I learn Evasion?
Eye of Fear and Flame: ESCAPING HEROES IN AISLE FIVE! COME ON, GOBLINS! GET OVER HERE AND KILL THEM!
Haley: Give me that!
Belkar: Hey!
<sfx> SHATTER!
<cutaway>
Hobgoblin 4: Did you hear that voice?
Hobgoblin 5: Yeah, it sort of sounded like Xykon.
Hobgoblin 6: Guys, someone set off a Fireball over here!
<cutback>
Haley: Damn it! They’re coming this way!
Belkar: Why would you betray me, Skullsy? I gave you everything: a home, a sense of purpose, the ability to fit in the overhead compartment of airplanes…
Haley: Belkar, we’ve got to go! Forget about the stupid skull!
Belkar: Easy for you to say, you probably already have a dozen sentient beings that you can that a dump in! I don’t get anything nice!
Haley: Come on!
Belkar: Nah, screw it. Sneaking around was getting boring. I say, let ‘em come. I’ve killed their kind before, I can do it again. I don’t even care about any stupid curse, I’ll find a way. Maybe I’ll strangle them with their own intestines, it will count as a suicide.
Hobgoblin 4: There they are!
Hobgoblin 5: Looks like we handed out the t-shirts too early!
Belkar: Do you hear that, Orangina? Your ass is mine! I’m gonna –
<sfx> yoink!
Belkar: Oh, man… Getting chased by goblins! This brings back some memories, eh?
Haley: Oh, yeah, good times all around.

Spoiler: Strip 470

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With Three Arrows Left in the Quiver
Belkar, Haley

Belkar: Hey, you know, Durkon’s got the right idea… this “getting carried” thing is a breeze!
Haley: Damn it! We do NOT have time for this! How many are chasing us?
Belkar: Uhhh… 21. No, wait, 22. That one guy was blocked by the pile of human corpses. Heh heh, human corpses.
Haley: OK, wait here… I’ll just be a moment.
Belkar: Huh? Where are you going?
<sfx> fft! fft! fft! fft! fft! fft! fft! fft! fft! fft! fft! fft! fft! fft! twang! dink! CRUNCH!!
Haley: All ready!
Belkar: You know, this is where I normally make an offensive–possibly sexist–remark…but that was just too awesome to ruin with words.
Haley: Gee, if I’d known that shooting hobgoblins would render you speechless, I would have saved that last one for later.

Spoiler: Strip 471

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A Triumphant Return
Hinjo, Elan, Durkon, Kazumi, Daigo

Hinjo: OK, this is the armory. The docks are about another half mile from here.
Elan: Durkon, turn your Darkvision off!
Durkon: Och, sorry lad.
(D): Oh, sorry, lad.
Hinjo: Look! The boat is still here!
Durkon: Aye, but we’d better be quick, else it’ll leave – or worse, tha hobbo’s’ll get ta it ‘fore we do!
(D): Yes, but we’d better be quick, else it’ll leave – or worse, the hobbos’ll get to it before we do!
Hinjo: This way!
Elan: Hey, look! A shiny new lute!
Kazumi: Elan, come on! We need to hurry!
Elan: I lost my old lute in Cliffport when my evil twin brother knocked me out in an alley.
Kazumi: OK, but why are you standing here?
Elan: The sign on the door says, “Back in 15 minutes.”
Kazumi: Elan, we don’t have 15 minutes! Just break the glass and take it!
Elan: That would be stealing! Like, in a BAD way!
Kazumi: Then leave the gold pieces for it!
Elan: Oooo! Good idea!
Kazumi: Didn’t that hurt?
Elan: No. Dashing Swordsmen are immune to damage from shattered glass. It helps us make dramatic window entrances. “Well, hello!” Oh, hi, Mr. Lute. Say, would you like to come with us and be my new friend? “I sure would, Elan! Let’s go!” Hooray, our long luteless nightmare is over! This is just like when Roy had his sword fixed! Or when Haley got her voice back! Or when Vaarsuvius was turned back into an elf. Or when Roy was turned back into a boy. Or when I got a new magic rapier. Twice.
Daigo: Will you stop pointing out the repetitiveness of the B-plots and hurry up?!?

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I’ll Hold Them Off
Elan, Kazumi, Daigo

Elan: <singing> Enact, enact, enact, enact the daring escape scene!
Kazumi: Look out! Hobgoblins! Elan, catch up and protect Lord Hinjo!
Daigo: We’ll take care of these guys.
Elan: What? No! Don’t you understand? Saying, “You go, I’ll hold them off,” is a death sentence, even for main characters! And you guys don’t have names!!
Daigo: Lord Hinjo must escape safely!
Elan: But the nameless soldiers always die!
Kazumi: GO!! That’s ridiculous anyway.
Daigo: What, that holding off the enemies while someone else escapes is an automatic death sentence?
Kazumi: No, that we don’t have names. I have a name. My name is Kazumi Kato!
Daigo: Right, and my name is – URRGH!
Kazumi: No! You can’t … we still need to get that cup of …
Daigo: unnnnhhh… Kazumi… is a pretty name…
Kazumi: Thank you. What’s yours?
Daigo: … … Daigo. … Huh. I, uh, I think I’m OK now.
Kazumi: Wow. I guess having a name really DOES matter. Do you have a last name?
Daigo: Yeah, but I think I should save it for an emergency.
Kazumi: Good idea.

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On the Waterfront
Lien, Durkon, Hinjo, Captain Axe, Elan, Kazumi, Daigo, Redcloak, Xykon

Lien: My parents were fishermen. When I a little girl, I stood right there and learned how to clean the fish they had caught. I’m telling you this so that you know… when I say that if you take one more step, I will gut you like the Catch of the Day – it is NOT hyperbole. *sigh* So much for the Intimidate check; homestyle hobgoblin fillets, coming up.
<sfx> splortch! splortch! zzzzzzzap!
Durkon: Och, did I singe ye a bit, lass? Thor’s Lightning can be a bit all o’er tha place…
(D): Oh, did I singe you a bit, lass? Thor’s Lightning can be a bit all over the place…
Lien: So not complaining. Lord Hinjo!! You’re – you’re alive!
Hinjo: As are you, thank the Twelve Gods. I guess that doubles the current resources of the Sapphire Guard. Lien, why didn’t this boat launch already? I gave you orders to send it as soon as the refugees were loaded.
Lien: Well, I’d love to take for disobeying an order in such a way that will likely end up saving your live, but I can’t. I’ve been trying to order the ship to launch for more than an hour, but the captain refuses.
Captain Axe: This is the Lord of the City’s boat, and I’ll not sail it unless he’s safely aboard.
Hinjo: Commendable in spirit, Captain…
Captain Axe: Axe, sir. They call me Captain Axe.
Hinjo: …but in the future I prefer t have my orders obeyed, even if they cause me personal inconveniences later.
Durkon: Come on, lass. Ye look like ye could use a Cure Somethin’ Wounds Spell.
(D): Come on, lass. You look like you could use a Cure Something Wounds Spell.
Lien: Yes, please! I ran out of my own healing about six disembowelment threats ago.
Hinjo: Elan! Good, you made it!
Elan: Is Haley here?
Hinjo: No, not yet. What about the two soldiers who were with you?
Elan: They’re dead. They died a heroic death to save us all.
Kazumi: Actually, we’re right here.
Elan: Wait, if you listen closely, you can almost hear their voices…
Kazumi: I should hope so, we’re 5 feet behind you!
Elan: Yes, of course they are behind me, as well as in front of me. Their spirits are all around us now, guiding us…
Kazumi: Any chance of guiding him to turn around?
Daigo: I was thinking more of guiding him into the ocean…
Hinjo: OK, OK, before this devolves into a zany comic sketch where Elan thinks he’s seeing ghosts, I want all three of you on board and ready to repel the enemy.
Captain Axe: Your Lordship, now that you’re here, we will set sail immediately.
Hinjo: Not so fast. We need to wait for two more: a halfling and a Northern woman.
Captain Axe: Sir, the enemy has tried to seize this boat twice already. We need to get you out of here before they sent more troops!
Hinjo: We’re going to wait here as long as possible, Captain. Those are my orders. Leave the ship’s defence to me and my people. Your men should be ready to cast off when I give the order.
Captain Axe: Aye, sir, if that’s what you think is best.
Hinjo: Now we just need to pray to the gods that no one notices us before then…
<cutaway>
Redcloak: Hey, I’m gonna go sink the last boat they have tied up. Wanna come?
Xykon: Nah, Teevo is helping me edit my submission to “World’s Funniest Protagonist Deaths.”
<sfx> SPLAT!!
Redcloak: OK. Back in a few.

Spoiler: Strip 474

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The Body Snatcher
Haley, Belkar, Mummy Roy, Hobgoblin Cleric, Shadow Roy, Vampire Roy, Monster in the Darkness

Haley: Are we being followed?
Belkar: No. it looks like they’re focusing their efforts on people escaping into the mountains, so they aren’t really looking out here on the plains.
Haley: Good, because Roy’s body should be right over – *gasp!*
Belkar: Ah, crap. Are you SURE this is the place you saw him fall, Haley?
Haley: Yes! His sword is here, plus that amulet. Maybe the vultures ate the body?
Belkar: Yeah, I’m sure these are members of the rare Armor-Eating vulture subspecies.
Haley: Well, he’s got to be within a mile or your Mark would have activated. Can you track whoever took the body?
Belkar: I think so, there are tracks all over the place.
Haley: I bet it was one of the hobgoblin clerics who took it. They were animating undead during the battle, you know. What if they turned Roy into a zombie??
Belkar: He’d be more fun at parties?
<cutaway>
Haley: <voiceover> Or wait – what if they turned him into another type of undead – like a mummy?
Mummy Roy: Hey, that’s pretty comfortable. What’s the thread count on this?
Hobgoblin Cleric: 600
Mummy Roy[/b]: Silky.
<cutover>
Haley: <voiceover> Or a shadow?!?
Shadow Roy: Who knows what stupidity lurks in the hearts of men?
<cutover>
Haley: <voiceover> Or – gasp – a vampire?!?
Vampire Roy: Sorry about that. I just want you to know that I’m horribly conflicted about needing to kill sentient beings to sustain my – Mmmm, what is that smoky flavor in your blood cholesterol? Is that gouda? Damn, that’s tasty.
<cutback>
Haley: Just think of all the d10’s he’d need to buy…
Belkar: Yeah, I don’t think so. They’re definitely NOT hobgoblin footprints, and they’re not Undead Roy’s, either. I don’t know what made them.
Haley: Wait, look! I think we have our answer, sort of.
Belkar: Oh, man. That’s just wrong. That poor, poor bastard.
Monster in the Darkness: Would either of you gentlemen care for another scone? They’re fat-free. … No? OK, more for me!

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Crashing the Party
Haley, Belkar, Demon Roach, Monster in the Darkness, Goblin

Haley: And is that O-Chul with him? How did he survive the castle?
Belkar: How should I know? Those paladins are like roaches.
Demon Roach: Hey!
Haley: We need to get them both out of there.
Belkar: Cool, I’ll attack from the left, you cover me.
Haley: Belkar, whoever is under that pink kitty umbrella is having a tea party. They’re obviously a child of some sort. We’re not going to kill a child.
Belkar: Unless we have to?
Haley: What?
Belkar: Come on, at least give me a little hope!
Haley: *sigh* OK, we’re not going to kill a child unless we absolutely have to.
Belkar: Good enough.
Haley: Um, excuse me? Hello?
Monster in the Darkness: Wow, more guests? It’s the social event of the season!
Haley: No, uh, we’re here to pick up our two friends over there.
Monster in the Darkness: You’re friends with Flopsy and Mr. Stiffly?
Haley: … Sure. Anyway, it’s getting really late, and they need to go beddy-bye, so we’ll just take them –
Monster in the Darkness: Hey, stop! They haven’t finished their scones yet!
Haley: They’ll eat them on the road.
Monster in the Darkness: No –
Belkar: I’ll drag Roy, you grab the paladin.
Monster in the Darkness: Stop! … please?
Haley: OK.
Belkar: Stopping now.
Monster in the Darkness: You can’t take my new friends. We were about to play monopoly.
Haley: <whispering> We don’t have that kind of time.
Belkar: <whispering> Nobody has that kind of time.
Haley: Look, if we take them now…you’ll get more scones for yourself, like you said.
Monster in the Darkness: Actually, I had enough scones. I could really go for some stew. I like stew.
Haley: Well, uh, it just so happens that my friend Belkar here knows how to cook some fantastic stew.
Monster in the Darkness: Really??
Belkar: What??
Haley: Oh, absolutely. I’ll make you a deal. If Belkar makes you some delicious stew, will you let us take Roy and O-Chul home?
Monster in the Darkness: Who?
Haley: Uh, I mean Flopsy and Mr. Stiffly.
Monster in the Darkness: Ummm… well, OK, I guess. But only because I can’t help feeling like I’ve seen you somewhere before… And it had better be awfully delicious, because I have very high standards.
<cutaway>
Goblin: Hey, look at this moldy cheeseburger I just found behind my sock drawer.
Monster in the Darkness: Dibs!!
<cutback>
Haley: OK, it’s a deal.
Belkar: Haley, may I have a word with you? That word is, “What the hell are you doing?”
Haley: You told me once that you had skill ranks in Profession (chef), right? So you cook some stew quick, we grab ourselves a pair of incapacitated warrior-types and scoot out of here.
Belkar: First of all, I told you that in one of the Dragon Magazine comics, so I’m not even sure that’s the same continuity. And second of all, I told you I have ranks in Profession (gourmet chef). Does this look like a fully-stocked professional kitchen to you??
Haley: So? Improvised tools, it’s a -2 penalty to your skill check. I do it all the time with lockpicking.
Belkar: I have 4 ranks and an ability score penalty, every -2 counts! Although… he was eating fat-free scones, so his palate can’t be that refined…
Haley: Good, ‘cause I’m not fighting that thing, whatever it is, so you better get your little foodie butt in gear and whip up some stew. And make it snappy too, we need to get back to the boat ASAP.
Belkar: Fine, I’ll do it. But I hope you have some idea where I can get the ingredients, particularly some kind of beef or chicken or –

Spoiler: Strip 476

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I Don’t Suppose You Have Any Nutmeg?
Belkar, Demon Roach, Haley, Monster in the Darkness

Belkar: And just a pinch of Mama Bitterleaf’s Secret +2 Circumstance Bonus Ingredient.
Demon Roach: Hey, Buzzcut! Can I stop with the fire yet?
Belkar: There are two jobs available for you: Providing the fire, or providing the side dish.
Demon Roach: Do you need hotter? Because I can do hotter.
Haley: Hey, Belkar, can we speed this up? we need to meet Elan.
Belkar: I’ve been cooking for ten minutes! I’m no Iron Chef!
Demon Roach: Frankly, you’re no Rachel Ray, either.
Belkar: Hey!
Haley: Well, the thin under the umbrella is starting to talk about how he’d like to be the thimble this time, so I think this plan is now-or-never. Here you go, one piping hot pot of fresh vulture stew.
Monster in the Darkness: Oooooo! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
<sfx> GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG
Monster in the Darkness: Mmmmm! Stewy!
Demon Roach: He likes it! Mikey likes it!
Belkar: Well, looks like I’m a sexy shoeless god of cooking, too.
Demon Roach: *slurp*
Haley: Great, then we’ll take our friends and leave.
Monster in the Darkness: Awwww, I guess. I’m really going to miss them, you know. Goodbye, Flopsy! Goodbye, Mr. Stiffly! I’ll write to you every day.
Haley: I’ll drag Roy, you get O-Chul.
Belkar: Can’t we just stuff the paladin in the Bag of Holding.
Haley: No, he’d suffocate in there. Hey there, Roy. Don’t you worry, we’re one step closer to you taking back your job here.
Demon Roach: I dunno, I think he can use the time off.
Belkar: Awww, what’s the matter, Haley? Your stint as the leader of the Order of the Stick not living up to your expectations?
Haley: No, it’s not that. It’s just that–
Monster in the Darkness: Wait a second. You guys are the Order of the Stick?
Haley: You’ve heard of us?
Monster in the Darkness: Yeah…I think I’m supposed to devour you…Small campaign world, huh?

Spoiler: Strip 477

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Shock and Awwwwww
Monster in the Darkness, Haley, Belkar, Demon Roach

Monster in the Darkness: I mean, Xykon was supposed to introduce me first, though, so I’m not entirely sure…
Haley: Xykon?!? I thought you were just a wandering monster!
Belkar: Screw this! Say hello to my little pointy friends!
Monster in the Darkness: But he’s not here. I don’t want to get in trouble… Will I get in more trouble for eating you when I’m not supposed to, or not eating you when I am supposed to? This is hard!
<sfx> stab! stab! stab! stab! stab!
Demon Roach: 0 for 5, sucker!
Monster in the Darkness: On one hand, I can’t uneat you once I’ve chowed down. So it would be the safer bet to not.
Haley: Is he not even noticing you’re attacking him?
Belkar: I have an idea. Follow my lead.
Monster in the Darkness: But then, Xykon himself always seems to err on the side of whomping first and asking questions later. Literally. And I do want to get out of this darkness. But once I reveal myself, I can’t go back to hiding. I mean, I could, but it would be seriously lame. So I might get in trouble for stepping out of the darkness even if I am supposed to eat them! Oh, to heck with it! I’m still hungry anyway! I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna cast down this umbrella and show the world what I – …Hey, where’d they go? Awww, man! They’re getting away! I suck as a monster.
Demon Roach: Stomp on the ground.
Monster in the Darkness: Huh?
Demon Roach: Stomp on the ground, like you did when Xykon wouldn’t buy you those Transformers. Trust me.
Monster in the Darkness: What, you mean just like this–
<sfx> stomp!
Monster in the Darkness: Wow! I didn’t know I could do that!!
Demon Roach: Heh heh. Now who’s the side dish, halfling?
Belkar: Holy crap! What’s happening?
Haley: It’s an earthquake!
<sfx> crick! crick! crick! crick! CRACK!
Haley: No! Roy!!
<sfx> thunk!
Haley: …I’m sure Durkon can fix that, too.
Belkar: Sorry, Scarface. Looks like one of us got an appointment with that thing’s esophagus, and I nominate you, on account of not being me.
Haley: Belkar! I got a rope around Roy, help me pull him up! Where’s O-Chul?
Belkar: I lost my grip on him. He fell back towards the monster.
Haley: What?? We have to go back!
Belkar: There’s no time, the boat is waiting! We got who we came for, let’s get out of here.
Haley: But O-Chul is still alive!
Belkar: More to the point, so are we! But only if we leave NOW! “Know when to walk away, know when to run.” Right? I think this qualifies as a “run”.
Haley: Damn it! DAMN IT!
Belkar: Did you… did you shoot Roy’s corpse in the nuts?
Monster in the Darkness: Mr. Stiffly! You came back!! I knew you weren’t like the others. We’re friends, right? Of course we are! Come on, let’s play our game. I’ll let you be the banker.
Demon Roach: Aren’t you going to chase down the other three?
Monster in the Darkness: Nah, I’m really tired all of a sudden. And still hungry. I think I’ll lick the stew pot clean. It’s great to have a friend like you, Mr. Stiffly. When they get done with the stuff in the city, I want you to meet all my friends. You’ve already met Mr. Dragon and the roaches. But I’m sure Xykon and Redcloak and Xykon’s brothers will be really excited to meet you, too. We’re all going to have so much fun!

Spoiler: Strip 478

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On Usefulness
Haley, Belkar, Captain Axe, Hinjo, Elan, Durkon, Vaarsuvius

Haley: Come on, we need to get back to the tower and through that tunnel. We need to get to the dock without fighting our way through the entire army.
Belkar: Hopefully, the – ah, crap! CRAP!
Haley: What? What is it?
Belkar: I just had the urge to say, “Hopefully, the others will have had an easier time than we have!”
Haley: Damn it! You know what that means, right?
Belkar: Yeah, that they’re almost certainly in deep sh–
<cutaway>
Captain Axe: Sir, that fiendish octopus can crack this boat like a fortune cookie! We must leave while we can!
Hinjo: Leave the octopus to us. We’re not leaving just yet. Besides, if we kill that goblin cleric now, it’ll be easier to retake the city later.
Captain Axe: But –
Hinjo: Durkon, Lien, come with me!
Elan: Oh, so you’re gonna hurt innocent civilians? I guess it’s time I gave you a little squid pro quo! Oooof!
<sfx> WHUMPH!
Hinjo: Elan, I don’t think it can hear your puns.
Elan: Are you sure? ‘Cuz Belkar has pretty much the exact same reaction whenever he hears one of them.
Durkon: We’ll handle tha gobbo an’ ‘is calamari, lad. Help Kazumi an’ Daigo hold off tha boarders.
(D): We’ll handle the goblin and his calamari, lad. Help Kazumi and Daigo hold off the boarders.
Elan: Aye, aye, skipper. Now I just need to figure out who “Kazumi” and “Daigo” are… Excuse me, huddled masses! Pardon me! PC coming through! PC coming – Vaarsuvius?? Is that you?
Vaarsuvius: Um… hello, Elan. I assure you there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for why I am attempting to hide among these refugees.
Elan: Wow! You REALLY are the smartest!
Vaarsuvius: … I beg your pardon?
Elan: You’re so unbelievably smart that you figured out how we were gonna escape the city, and you beat us here! You’re like a super prophet person! Did you learn how to be a future psychic from Roy?
Vaarsuvius: It would be soothing to assert that your innocent take on the situation is, in fact, true. But I am afraid it is not that simple. Or rather, it is even simpler: I used my last spell, Invisibility, to flee the battle and sneak aboard the last ship in the port. I did not know that you or the others would also choose this means of escape when I did so, however.
Elan: Oh. Well, that’s OK, you’re here now. Come help us fight!
Vaarsuvius: Did you not listen? My LAST spell! I have no magic left with which to fight! My supposed “ultimate arcane power” has vacated my body, leaving me as powerless as these evacuees!
Elan: Oh, V, now you’re just being silly! If I let myself get hung up on only doing things that had any actual chance of success, I’d never do anything! I mean, I cast a spell today, and it WORKED! And we all know how much my illusions suck!
Vaarsuvius: A spell?
Elan: Yeah, it was when we –
Vaarsuvius: You cast a singular spell today?
Elan: Yeah, but –
Vaarsuvius: – and by crafting an illusion that appears to be a Celestial creature, you create within your opponents the believe that you have summoned it from beyond, thus explaining it’s sudden appearance on the battlefield – which is further reinforced by the presence of an existing summoned creature, i.e. the octopus.
Elan: Neat! I never thought of that!
Vaarsuvius: Now have the “lion”slowly advance, giving the hobgoblins plenty of time to retreat in the face of this new “threat”…

Spoiler: Strip 479

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Jaws of Life
Hinjo, Crewman, Durkon, Lien

Hinjo: Tell that captain of yours to keep the civilians away from the back of the boat, we need to –
Crewman: Sir!! Look out!!
Hinjo: urk!
<sfx> sklurtch!
Durkon: I gotcha, lad. How did I cut tha tentacle wit a hammer…?
(D): I got you, lad. How did I cut the tentacle with a hammer…?
Hinjo: Thanks again, Durkon. That’s two I owe you. Any sign of Haley yet?
Lien: No, sir.
Hinjo: Then we stay, for now. Not just because I owe Roy as well, but because at this point, we’re going to need high-level characters we can trust if we’re ever going to stop Xykon’s plans. And since it wouldn’t hurt to deny them a few of their own high-level characters, I’m going after that goblin cleric. But I need that damned octopus out of my way, first. Lien –
Lien: I’m on it, sir.
Durkon: No offence, lad, but are ye sure she c’n handle a giant mollusk by ‘erself?
(D): No offence, lad, but are you sure she can handle a giant mollusk by herself?
Hinjo: We all have our special talents, Durkon. I chose O-Chul to defend the throne room because he was the toughest of us all… And I chose Lien to guard the waterfront because she has a particularly useful ace up her sleeve.
Lien: Razor, I choose you!
<sfx> POP! sklurtch! sklurtch! SKLORK!
Durkon: Ye can have a shark as yer holy paladin mount?!?
(D): You can have a shark as your holy paladin mount?!?
Hinjo: Sure. They eat devilfish, mostly.
<sfx> sploosh!

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Change of Address Needed
Redcloak, Hobgoblin Cleric, Hinjo

Redcloak: No, to the left! THE LEFT, you stupid invertebrate! Grapple her from the – Goddamn it!
<sfx> SQULCH!
Hobgoblin Cleric: Sir, we could summon sharks of our own…
Redcloak: And give her a free sushi buffet? No thanks. She can’t take that beast out of the water, so I see no reason to hand deliver more of our resources to its waiting jaws. Summon something land-based instead and send it up the dock.
<sfx> poof!
Hobgoblin Cleric: Toward the celestial lion?
Redcloak: Yeah, I’m sick of it keeping our troops at bay. No pun intended. You know, I more than a little surprised at the level of resistance they’re displaying here… Who would have thought that sinking one little boat of innocent civilians would be so tough? It’s like there’s something valuable on board… but then, why haven’t they tried to escape? Well, at any rate, throw some zombies at them for good measure. And take over the healing duties, I don’t have many spells left today.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Yes, Supreme Leader.
Redcloak: I’ll be over here if you need anything.
Hinjo: HEY! Goblin! Don’t turn your back on me!! I am the commander of the Sapphire Guard, and I am here to make you pay for your crimes against my city! Prepare to –
Redcloak: Disintegrate.
<sfx> thunk!
Redcloak: Your city? Oh, I’m sorry, I thought someone would have told you by now. See, this is MY city now, paladin! I figure you owe me one village plus 35 years of interest, so this is a good start! What? I said I didn’t have many spells left.

Spoiler: Strip 481

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Cutting the Cord
Elan, Vaarsuvius, Zombie, Crewwoman, Crewman, Captain Axe, Durkon, Hinjo

Elan: Oh no! Hinjo’s hurt!
Vaarsuvius: Elan, you must maintain full concentration on your–
<sfx> POOF!
Vaarsuvius: –illusion. *sigh*
Zombie: brains
<cutaway>
Crewman: Lord Hinjo!
Crewwoman: Is he dead?
Captain Axe: Don’t know. All hands, weigh anchor and prepare to set sail!
Crewwoman: What?? But –
Captain Axe: Lord Hinjo is incapacitated. I’m the captain of this ship, and I’ll be damned if we’re sunk waiting on two Northerners that are probably dead already. It’s my job to protect everyone aboard – especially Hinjo. And that means getting him far away from situations where he can die heroically. Mistress Lien has graciously freed us from the octopus, and for the first time today, the wind is in our favor. We’re leaving now – or we’re all dying here!
Crewwoman: Aye, captain, understood.
<sfx> fccht!
<cutaway>
Elan: Is he okay?
Durkon: Aye, tha spell dinnae kill ‘im, tho smackin’ ‘is ‘ead on tha deck knocked ‘im out cold. Cure Moderate Wounds!
(D): Aye, the spell didn’t kill him, though smacking his head on the deck knocked him out cold. Cure Moderate Wounds!
Hinjo: Unnhhh… I’m sorry, Uncle… I’ll never swipe a drink from your private stash again…
Elan: You – you big green meanie!! You’re not so tough, you know! If my friend Roy were here, he’d kill you dead! EXTRA dead!! I mean, you’re not even THAT big! I bet even I could beat you! In fact, I bet I could sort of step on you… You are awfully…tiny. …Um, guys?

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Leaving Azure City
Hinjo, Captain Axe, Elan, Durkon, Kazumi

Hinjo: AXE! What in the name of the Twelve Gods are you doing?!?
Captain Axe: I’m doing my duty, Lord Hinjo. I’m getting you to safety.
Hinjo: My orders –
Captain Axe: Your orders were likely to result in your death. And that not something I can allow, not if I have the means to stop it. Your people need you. Especially the 400+ civilians aboard this junk. Unless their lives don’t mean a anything…
Elan: Hey, does it seem like we’re moving to anyone else? Because it really seems like we’re moving to me… And if we are moving, maybe we could try moving in the other direction? Back to the dock?
Hinjo: *sigh* We’re not turning around, Elan.
Elan: What? Why not??
Hinjo: Because we got away safely. Elan, holding the ship at the dock while we waited for Haley was already too risky. I can’t, in good conscience, risk the lives of these poor people any further by turning this boat around back into a war zone. It’s too dangerous. Tomorrow we’ll contact Haley using magic and arrange a rendezvous somewhere away from the city.
Elan: But what if she gets killed tonight?!?
Hinjo: I’m sorry, Elan. We’ll try our best to find her as long as we can do it without endangering innocents.
Elan: Well, your best isn’t good enough! I’m swimming back and finding her now!!
Durkon: Elan, don’t ye dare! Lad, if ye go back now, tha goblin’ll kill ye dead as easy as ‘e breathes. Do ye think tha’s wha Haley wants? Ta meet up wit us tom’rrow an’ have me tell ‘er, “Och, sorry, Elan’s dead, too.” Haley’s a trooper, she’s more capable of survivin’ in tha city fer 24 hours than ye are for 24 rounds, fancy shmancy prestige class na withstandin’. She ain’t some damsel in distress, she’s a high-level adventurer an’ our current leader. So sit yer ass down an’ help us get these people somewhere safe.
(D): Elan, don’t you dare! Lad, if you go back now, the goblin’ll kill you dead as easy as he breathes. Do you think that’s what Haley wants? To meet up with us tomorrow and have me tell her, “Oh, sorry, Elan’s dead, too.” Haley’s a trooper, she’s more capable of surviving in the city for 24 hours than you are for 24 rounds, fancy shmancy prestige class not withstanding. She isn’t some damsel in distress, she’s a high-level adventurer and our current leader. So sit your ass down and help us get these people somewhere safe.
Elan: I guess… I guess you’re right. Haley is tough…
Durkon: Aye, lad.
(D): Yes, lad.
Kazumi: Plus, don’t forget that she does have Belkar with her.
Elan: Let me go! I need to protect Haley!
Durkon: I cannae let ye do it, lad!!
(D): I cannot let you do it, lad!!

Spoiler: Strip 483

Show

Broken Stick
Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Elan, Haley, Belkar, Haley’s Self-Loathing

Vaarsuvius: Elan, I have every certainty that both Miss Starshine and Sir Greenhilt will be returned to us – fully functional – by this time tomorrow.
Durkon: Aye, lad, thar’s no reason ta worry.
(D): Yes, lad, there’s no reason to worry.
Elan: I suppose… But then why do I feel like this? Why does it seem like I’ll never see either one of them again?
Vaarsuvius: Dramatic tension?
Elan: No, see, that’s more of a crampy feeling. This is more of a general ache…
Haley: Come on! We need to hurry!
Belkar: Really? I didn’t know that, since you’ve only been telling me every round for the last 15 minutes. Awww, man! Look at this! Some perfectly good looting going on, and we’re stuck on corpse duty.
Haley: I know, it pains me too, nut we need to – *gasp*
Belkar: What? What is it? I can’t see what’s –
Haley: …
Haley’s Self-Loathing: Wow, I guess you were right. He really DID leave you as soon as you got close to him. Guess you really weren’t good en–
<sfx> poof!
Haley: Come on. We need to find shelter before a patrol finds us, and I don’t think that tunnel will stay secret for much longer.
Belkar: OK, elf, enough with the jokes. You got me, fair enough, now bring the ship back. …No, seriously, Wherever you’re hiding: You really had me thinking for a minute that we got left behind. Great illusion. Now, can we just get out this stupid city already? ...Vaarsuvius?

Spoiler: Strip 484

Show

At the End of the Day
Lien, Hinjo, Kubota, Therkla, Qarr, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Elan, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness, Haley, Belkar, Tsukiko, Xykon, Eugene, Roy

Lien: The fleet… sir, didn’t have time to get many supplies onto each ship…
Hinjo: I know. We’ll need to find a place they can settle while we plan our assault to take back the city – or we’ll starve.
<cutover>
Kubota: Shojo’s brat survived, somehow.
Therkla: The Northerners must have protected him – he’s no match for two of my ninjas alone.
Qarr: Then this “Order of the Stick” will die first, followed by the paladin. And when you are Lord, our plans shall proceed.
<cutover>
Vaarsuvius: I go to rest, so that I might replenish my magic sooner.
Durkon: Aye, me too. Try ta get some rest, lad. No sense worryin’ yerself sick, right?
(D): Yes, me too. Try to get some rest, lad. No sense worrying yourself sick, right?
Elan: …
<cutover>
Redcloak: Damn it! I’m so stupid, I should have captured that paladin instead of killing him! Now where am I going to find someone who knows how the other Gates are protected?!?
<cutover>
Monster in the Darkness: ♪
<cutover>
Haley: <whispering> Durkon knows the plan. He’ll contact us magically – and Vaarsuvius, too – as soon as he’s able.
Belkar: Wait, hold on: You’re saying the boat ACTUALLY left us behind?!?
Haley: <whispering> Keep your voice down!
<cutover>
Tsukiko: Oooo! What’s that, Lord Xykon, a headband?
Xykon: Just a little toy I found one morning in my Wheaties®. Cloister! Ladies and Gentlemen, Azure City is officially of the grid.
Eugene: Gosh, son, thanks so much for destroying Xykon for me. My spirit will rest easy now.
Roy: Shut up, Dad.

Previous Page | Index | Next Book

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Alright! Book 3 is up! I've proofed it some, but it still needs a thorough go through, so I'll be working on that next. I might prepare Book 4 as well, and make sure it's good to go. I do a once over for format before posting, and then go over it on one screen with the comic on another to make spelling, and various other more intricate corrections.

Posting the book was much faster this time, but still had to do some rearranging to get everything right. I try and post until I have all of my strips for the book posted, and then I divide the total number of strips by how many posts there are and attempt to post them in equal groups. However, some of the longer winded strips, especially in these later books, make me have to cut back on how many are in a post. I try and keep it so theres a mostly even distribution, so no post looks half empty. That way, if I have things to add in corrections, I've got room to do so.

Again, if you folks catch anything I missed, please let me know! I'm sure I'll miss something, there's just so much!

Also, I'd like to take the time to let you all know that we have HALF of the transcriptions done for the 5 Books so far published! Congratulations guys! You all have been a fantastic help to this project!

[Jaxzan Proditor]

This is really looking good; I'm so glad that this project had gotten so far.

[Onyavar]

Hi, as of this morning, I have started a new thread with the German translation compilation of all strips from Book One to Three.

As you all already pointed out, it's difficult to set up a decent inter-language navigation.

The german transcript is always bigger than the English one, because we tend to have a higher character count. Adding to that is a slightly different format (panel-by-panel), and I added some translator remarks, here and there... Finally, I tried to only use up to 45k characters in each post instead of 50k, so that future content/links can be added.

I will include links to your transcripts on the strips later - but I don't expect you to link back. I'm fairly sure that the English version will see more use than the German one, anyway.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Hi, as of this morning, I have started a new thread with the German translation compilation of all strips from Book One to Three.

As you all already pointed out, it's difficult to set up a decent inter-language navigation.

The german transcript is always bigger than the English one, because we tend to have a higher character count. Adding to that is a slightly different format (panel-by-panel), and I added some translator remarks, here and there... Finally, I tried to only use up to 45k characters in each post instead of 50k, so that future content/links can be added.

I will include links to your transcripts on the strips later - but I don't expect you to link back. I'm fairly sure that the English version will see more use than the German one, anyway.

Congratulations on the launch! Are you going to make it the official thread at any point? It's generally taboo to have two threads for the same subject.

[DaggerPen]

Gratulation! Thread divisions like that aren't unheard of - the Stick Awards, for example, has not only a new thread for each round but a separate reaction thread entirely - but I'd check with a mod to see if and when the threads need to merge, to be safe.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

No one has found any errors as of yet?! Wow, I guess I did better than I thought!

So, while I've been going slowly through book 4, I noticed that somehow, a few transcriptions are missing! Not sure how that happened, but I'm laying them here for people to do if they'd like. I'm certainly not going to get to it any time soon, this book is by far the most work I've had to do with edits. We have a multitude of entries from people who transcribed this under the first incarnation of this project, and so the format is totally bonked in comparision to our current one, and I'm running into a lot of errors in it besides. Still, it's better than starting from scratch!

The available strips are - 536 to 540.

There could be more, but that's where I'm at thus far. Thanks in advance!

[DaggerPen]

Have you contacted whoever it was who did that portion of the transcripts? It's possible it was done and just got lost in the sending process, and if they're like me, they might still have them saved.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Have you contacted whoever it was who did that portion of the transcripts? It's possible it was done and just got lost in the sending process, and if they're like me, they might still have them saved.

That was a portion that was transcribed by the old project...hmmm...wonder if I missed copying it over from there....*goes to look*

AHAH!

Here it is! Carry on.

[DaggerPen]

Glad to be of service XD

[Apani]

Hello, I'm here to ask one thing: can you write down any change you make to your transcription, so I can change my translation as well?

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Hello, I'm here to ask one thing: can you write down any change you make to your transcription, so I can change my translation as well?

Generally speaking, any changes should appear on here via suggestions, but I can do a book 1 and 2 change log. Book 3 hasn't been cleared for final review so I wouldn't use that as a model. Generally, though, most people will likely catch some mistake I made, and then from there I'll change it and say "fixed that" or something in response. Would that work? What would you prefer?

Also, what do you qualify as a change? Misspellings and punctuation mistakes, or even bolding and format errors are the most common, and some of those are the hardest to qualify a change log for.

[Apani]

Generally speaking, any changes should appear on here via suggestions, but I can do a book 1 and 2 change log. Book 3 hasn't been cleared for final review so I wouldn't use that as a model. Generally, though, most people will likely catch some mistake I made, and then from there I'll change it and say "fixed that" or something in response. Would that work? What would you prefer?

Also, what do you qualify as a change? Misspellings and punctuation mistakes, or even bolding and format errors are the most common, and some of those are the hardest to qualify a change log for.

Yeah, reading error reports should work. If you have to correct a small error you found yourself, then you can just tell the strips where you made the corrections.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Yeah, reading error reports should work. If you have to correct a small error you found yourself, then you can just tell the strips where you made the corrections.

Sure, just don't mimic Book 3 till I say so. Theres a butt ton in that one.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Still in the process of editing book 3. Its going fairly slow, but some good news - I got book 5 in print! I was hoping to have 3 and 4 finished in time for everyone getting book 5, but with the holidays and such it didn't happen. Just wanted to show everyone that this project is still around, and hope everyone is doing well!

[Jaxzan Proditor]

Still in the process of editing book 3. Its going fairly slow, but some good news - I got book 5 in print! I was hoping to have 3 and 4 finished in time for everyone getting book 5, but with the holidays and such it didn't happen. Just wanted to show everyone that this project is still around, and hope everyone is doing well!

I'm glad that you've been working on this! Perhaps it would be more efficient if some of us volunteered to take a look at a section each to lessen the load?