Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition II: We all want to be the Majestic 12

[Dewani90]

Pocky the barbarian: yeah, i murderized the entire room
Mira the priestess: how low was his INT score again?
Cocoapuffs the rogue: well, you can count with one hand and you would still have fingers left.
DM: Pocky, having low int doesn't let you act like a moron
Pocky: how about no int?, can i still take points from it and put them on my "kill things with blunt objects" score?

DM: lemme tell you an hypothetical scenario... if you had no int you would be more like a flesh golem, just answering to orders like "go smash", "open door" and "go to sleep you dimwit"
Pocky: but i can act like a moron then right?

Mira: you still need at least 1 int to talk
Pocky: can i?
DM: just do it already, you slowing down the entire campaign.
Pocky: 1 INT barbarian coming up.

(after session is over)
DM: i need a drink... don't give me that look, i'm still 100% alcohol free... even if today i wish i wasn't.

[A Tad Insane]

Pc1: I question how well a plan will go if you have to tell pc2 and not me
Pc3: The only certain plan is one not involving either of you two

Pc3: I'm a flying lying lizard with bladder issues!

Dm: And you lose
Pc2: I punch him in the face

Dm: You literally slap the s*** out of him
Pc3: Is there anything presdigitioasfjskxncks can't do?

[Sith_Happens]

A little NSFW:

Spoiler

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(upon realizing a locked box was supposed to be played as a musical instrument to open it)

DM: You just need to know what end to blow into.
Me: That's what she said.

Pssh, I've posted far worse.

[KillianHawkeye]

PC1 (an alechemist): And then I'll sneak into the bathroom to make an extract of disguise self.

Is this a hilarious typo, or do they actually make magical potions using alcoholic beverages?

[Dasgovernator]

PC3: "We'll trap the oozes with stone shape, and then open their "cages" whenever someone comes by"
DM: "That's so sad"
PC3: "They're oozes, they're mindless. They literally have an INT score of 0"
PC1: "What do we care? We're EVIL! I thought we covered this already!"

DM: "The general consensus of the village is . . that you are SUPER Goddamn Scary"

PC2: "So a Chaotic Evil Lizardman is holding a trust-building exercise with his new followers?"
PC4: "I need these people to trust me"
PC1: " . . . Then kill one. Then the rest of them won't HAVE to trust you."

PC3: "Keep our possible human sacrifice/human shield alive until I want him to die"

PC1: "I just Buffed, Double Buffed, and then hid in a corner. The life of a caster Oracle"

PC3: "So Ireland is the Abyss?"
PC2: "Does that makes England Hell?"
PC1: "England is Hell for unrelated reasons"

PC1: "So it's a scavenger hunt, but the prize is a world-eating plague"

DM: "Darkness explodes from the eye socket"
PC1: "The darkness explodes? Damn, that's metal"

NPC1: "So what does the murdering thing look like?"
NPC2: "The Wraith?"
NPC: "No the other murdering thing"

DM: "You see a stack of skulls neatly stacked in a corner"
PC3: "I tell everyone not to touch them. As a Predator, I know not to touch another predator's skull pile. Respect"

PC1: "I get that you're new to this whole 'cult leader' thing, but killing the previous leader and then his second-in-command while she was pledging loyalty to you, doesn't exactly endear people to the idea of your rule"

[bulbaquil]

P5: "It's everything you love and hate about Cheliax condensed into one city, with all the halfling slavery and devil worship you could possibly want."

P1 (seriously): "I attack the darkness."
P2: "S***! He attacked the darkness!"

P1: "Okay, so I threw something into the darkness, and it threw it back at me."
P5: "You should really get on your bike now."

P2: (to P1) "YOU'RE A MORON!"
P1: (to NPC) "He says you're a moron."
P2: (to P1) "NO, YOU'RE THE MORON!!!"

GM: "No, but everyone's in like, twelve pieces."
P3: "Oh, this is just like 4chan!"

P2: "So wait, this is an Aztech bar. An Aztech cleaner came in to clean the bar. Let's just get out of here!"
P5: "We are all morons."
P2: "We're overthinking this."

P4: "I was eating my donut in the shower. So sue me."

P5: "See, I can't spend anything because nobody will want to talk to me."
P3: "Maybe if you bribed them, they'd buy from you."
P5: "But I can't get them to talk to me because no one will talk to me."
P3: "Maybe if you bribed them, they'd talk to you."
P5: "...Eh, I'm fine. I don't want to talk to anyone."

P6: "Are they good cookies, like chocolate, or are they s*** cookies, like raisin?"
P4: "It's the Secret Masamune Special."

GM: "It says 'Smith.'"
P5: "That's not Johnson!"

P5: "So you're looking for an actual seaworthy battleship with a railgun attached to it."
P6: "As a figure."
P5: "You said you wanted an actual-sized one."

P3: "I was into it before, during, after, way after, and when it began to be cool again."

P4: "You threw her so hard she broke character."

P5: "Don't talk about turtles in a Shadowrun game."

GM: "[P6] is important to this mission."
P1, P2, P3, P4, P5: *look hesitantly at GM*

P3: "Would Hardware work for this?"
GM: "No, you'd need the actual knowledge skill."
P3: "Matrix Security?"
GM: "No."
P3: "Knowledge (Tabletop RPGs)? I mean, it could have come up in a Shadowrun game I ran once."

P2: "We ran into an Aztech cleaner--"
P6: "Wait, what?"
P5: "You said the A-word!"
P2: "What, Aztec?"
P5: "..."
P3: "STOP SAYING THE 'A'-WORD!"

P3: "I personally prefer Bear Guy."
P6: "Bear Guy? Bear Guy's not even a gundam, he's just a guy in a metal suit."
P3: "Yes, but you can turn him into Dire Bear Guy if you add a few extra hit dice."

[DigoDragon]

Silver: "Oh joy, what is that thing eating Kard?"
Tatum: "It's a gelatinous cube. Looks like pudding."
Misty: "I can't believe I didn't see it!"
Kard: "You can see it just fine from the inside!"

Kard: "Uh... I think the town's founder was mentally slow."
Lars: "How so?"
Kard: "He misspelled his name. Twice."

Olivia: "I cast Deity's Weapon and command it to attack the black dragon!"
DM: (Reads the spell description) "Whoa, that's... a good spell."
Olivia: "Form- Blazing Sword!"
PCs: *Begin humming Voltron theme as the sword slays the dragon in one strike*

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Binder: Look, I'm not summoning demons. They're actually pseudonatural reflections of demons, called into being by the twisted entity existing beyond life and death that I have bound to my soul... Why are you looking at me like that?

[Dasgovernator]

NPC: "Did you report this to the authorities?"
PC3: ". . . No. Is that a thing we should do?"

PC2: "Okay come one, it was self-defense. We're not going to get arrested again"
PC1: "Do you now what happens when the authorities investigate a murder case? THEY WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE BODIES WENT!"
PC2: " . . .****! Open the barrels back up! Hopefully we still put them back together"

PC1: "The Necromancer heard there was a Gladiator arena in the city. Where do you think he is?"

PC1: "I've got someone who can help with that on my boat. A Syph. Syfl. Sifil?"
PC4: "Syphilis?"
PC3: "Well he might have that too"

PC3: "You're pretty smart aren't you"
PC1: "Smart is the wrong word"

PC3: "What would happen if I had hypothetically killed some people--In Self Defense--and stuck their bodies into a barrel for future use as zombie parts. Could we be arrested for that?"

PC5: "I Bite the Wyvren. Not something I ever expected to "

PC5: "I want my enemy to look me in the eye when I eat him"

[mythmonster2]

DM: "Alright, the skeleton does nothing to you because you washed your hands."

[Kid Jake]

Michael Stockton: "You're outclassed, I'm going to drag you in whether you want to go or not."
Superhuman Hobo: "Look again, there's 4 of us and one of you."
Michael Stockton: "Then I guess it's a good thing that I'm an indestructible, highly trained killing machine and you're just a bunch of losers that live in a parking garage."

Dr Luvless: "Why would I be concerned? What sort of idiot would let him just walk up and steal their powers?"
Fanboy: "Hey! That guy stole McCrow's powers AND mine. He's tricky."
Dr Luvless: *stares at the drunken McCrow snoring on a flight of stairs nearby.* "Yes... but like I said, why should I be concerned?"


Dr Steinz: "You IDIOT! Why, oh why, would you shoot a man FILLED WITH BEES!?"
Michael Stockton: "I...really didn't think that through."

[DigoDragon]

DM: "Oh look, Misty takes 14 points of damage."
Misty: "How did I take damage on a boat?"
DM: "Boating Mishap!"

DM: "You're in a dwarf town. Everyone's at most... 4 foot something. In all directions. Like bricks."
Vincent: (Scottish Accent) "Right, grab your axes boys! LEGOs Maneuver, now!!"

Mira: "Why do the rakasta hate you? Is it because you're not a cat person?"
Vincent: "Must be my puppy charm."
Misty: "You eat puppy charms?"
DM: (Irish Accent) "Oh those rakasta, always after me puppy charms!"

DM: "I give you people your first cursed item and you all act like kids on Christmas morning."

Niomi: "I feel dizzy, I see spots in my eyes, and there's a metallic taste in my mouth. Lars, I think your singing caused me to suffer a stroke."

Olivia: "I don't think they want to hear the word finally."
Lars: "Or blasted."
Vincent: Especially together in the same sentence."

[GAAD]

Livequoting IV: Son of Livequoting

Warlord: I roll a nature check. Do I find any tacos?

Fighter: I got a nineteen for diplomacy.
Me: That's great! Because you didn't tell me what you said beforehand, congratulations on your convincing stare.
Fighter: Towards the crowd!
Me: Which hasn't shown up yet.
Warlord: How long until the lynch mob shows up?
Me: ENOUGH. ABOUT. MY RANGER.

Closing Sentence:
Captain of the Guard: YOU ARE HEREBY BANISHED!
Warlord: YOU ARE HEREBY A *********************. Also a *****.

Spoiler: undefined

Show

He didn't use profanity, I just censored his words for comedy.

[Prince Raven]

Zelfir: "Here, put this in your coat"
Boris: "This is a mechanical animal's leg..."
Zelfir: "Yep."
Boris: "Ok then." *puts leg in coat*

Zelfir: "I open the door and look outside"
GM: "You see Boris standing outside, shrouded in mist"
Zelfir: "I glance back behind me"
GM: "You see Boris inspecting some of the dolls hanging from the ceiling"
Zelfir: "I close the door..."

Boris: "Boris doesn't talk in third person, there are only two Borises, don't be ridiculous."

[Tassyr]

"Witty one liner!" "Snappy comeback!" "Funny Catchphrase!"

(That's ACTUALLY what was shouted.)

[TheHoodedTeddy]

Can I roll a diplomacy check against myself to see if I can lower the price for me?

[Erth16]

Director: You all turn around and see that Chaika is gone. Noel, Rocky, and Valentine fall to the ground screaming. You all wake up in a castle of glass and mirrors. On the ground written in orange many many times is "Pull Back" leading up to a lever, that has "Don't you dare" written in front of it.
Valentine and Usagi: NOEL PULL THE LEVER!

Chaika: What's the floor made of?
Director: Mirrors.

Director: So the mirrors on your side rise up and fade from existence, on either side of you is a large open room, on either side is a knight wearing shining glass armor, holding a sword and a large mirror as a shield.
Rocky IV: I like your armor.

Looking Glass Knights: We are the guardians of the White Queen's castle. You have two options. Fight us here and now, or traverse the gauntlet and fight that knight over there.

Hakugwyn: So who do you think would win, you two or him?
Director: The looking glass knights point at each other in complete mirrors of each other, the various mirrors in the room making it look like 48 different knights are pointing at each other, and say "I believe that if he fought him, he would lose, but if I fought him it would come down to luck." They say as they point to another knight.

Hakugwyn: I make a wall behind us so we only need to fight one knight right now.
Rocky IV: I link the knights so that they take all the damage the other does.
Valentine: I tell Noel to pull the trigger.

Director: Noel's bullet ricochets around the room off the shield and hits Valentine in the face. The Looking Glass Knights swings its shield when it blocks and hits Valentine, Hakugwyn, and Rocky for 2.


Director: The knight on the other side of the wall steps back and summons a clone of Chaika. Chaika curses Chaika twice.

Rocky IV: I put rockets on the Knights shield and rip it out of the knights hands.
Director: It smashes the wall.

Director: The other knight creates a clone of Rocky IV, we shall refer to her as Rocky V.

Rocky IV: I launch the other knights shield now.
Director: As the shield flies across the room, everyone but Hakugwyn takes 13 damage.

Hakugwyn: I remove my overcharge, 4 in all three.
Director: Ok, first, Noel becomes unable to breathe for about 10 seconds, then once she regains her breath, you stab her in a sudden fit of rage. Your heart is up to you.
Hakugwyn: I take Noel to the Hospital for her daily check up.

[Neli42]

GM: So, just a single move, then?
Rogue: I would prefer to remain behind the cleric, yes.

[Milodiah]

PC1 (pale white dude in Lawrence-of-Arabia-esque desert garb): "I guess we'll leave then."
*PC1 leaves the apartment*
NPC: "Why were you in Woczinskiy's apartment?"
PC1: "...uh...It's okay, I'm an archaeologist!"
NPC: *backs away*
PC1: "Also the King of Egypt!"
NPC: "...police!"
PC2 (in police uniform): *walks out* "Yes?"
NPC: "...hey street thugs, help!"

[DigoDragon]

"Witty one liner!" "Snappy comeback!" "Funny Catchphrase!"

(That's ACTUALLY what was shouted.)

Haha, that's actually funny. :D

[Sith_Happens]

Chaika: What's the floor made of?

More importantly, who names their character "Chaika" and proceeds to speak in complete sentences?

[PrincessCupcake]

Fenheim: "Time to make a healing potion! I throw herbs and grass into my cauldron!"
*massive explosion*
DM: "okay, now that you've blown yourself, 5 zombies, and Mourner up..."

-
Mourner: *critted by a zombie and falls into negatives*
DM: (To Mourner only) "You are overwhelmed by the desire to feed. Next turn, you can attack the closest living person and if you feed, you won't collapse."
DM: (To everyone) "You see Mourner take a grievous wound and fall to his knees. Something looks very, very wrong."
Mourner: (To DM only) "Who is closest to me?"
Fenheim: "Oh crap I'm about to die."
DM: (To Mourner only) "Fenheim is a prophet."

-
DM: "Okay, so the rest of you look at <PC>, and realize he just left a sprite and an unconscious lycanthrope in charge of watching the camp."

-

[DigoDragon]

Olivia: "What kind of magical aura does Rezo give off?"
Rezo: "Italian."

DM: "Hopefully my Italian friends have a sense of humor."
Silver: "If not, at least you get to meet their family before they wipe you."

DM: "You're attack bounces off the iron golem."
Silver: "Okay, these things are invincible."
Vincent: "We'll try out witting them!"
DM: "This is going to end in tears."

Stragus: "Misty, you're back from a spectacular ripping trip of 10,000 years past! So how was it? Did you survive the goat?"
Misty: "Oh it's great... except, who the heck are you and what's this about a 10,000 year old goat?"

Kard: "Okay, so you want us to travel back in time 10,000 years to plant seads? But if we already planted them 10,000 years ago why isn't the tree here now?"
Silver: (Knocks on Kard's head) "Hey McFly, you're not thinking 4th dimensionally!"
Vincent: "Great Scott!"

[Madfellow]

NPC: So, which one of you is the leader?
PC1: ...
PC2: ...
PC3: ...
PC4: Not it!

[rgrekejin]

DM: Congratulations. That's the first time I've ever seen someone beat a bear to death with another bear.

[Erth16]

More importantly, who names their character "Chaika" and proceeds to speak in complete sentences?

The kind who didn't make their own character, and ignored the fact that on the character sheet it says they speak in broken sentences.

[braveheart]

NPC security guy: So what have you done as security
me(10 year old pc):I protected my friends
NPC security guy: From What?
me: Giratina the dragon god of death
NPC security guy: .....



Latter that session

Me: you mean that you don't just put the pokemon in a box
NPC security guy: Well sort of but we have our own box
me: Of course you have your own box, but where is it?
NPC security guy: We keep it safe with special computers and security measures
me: WHAT DO COMPUTERS HAVE TO DO WITH A CARDBOARD BOX
(entire table laughs so hard that they cannot speak for several minutes)

[Sith_Happens]

The kind who didn't make their own character, and ignored the fact that on the character sheet it says they speak in broken sentences.

Disappointment. Great opportunity missed. Player not deserving of name "Chaika."

[Drynwyn]

Newbie DM: "Why do you have a ten foot pole and 200 feet of rope on your equipment list?

Me: "Trust me, you'll figure it out."


LATER


Newbie DM: "The 10 foot pole catches fire and is instantly reduced to ash."
Me: "It's OK. I have a spare."

[Rater202]

From a Freeform Digimon Game

Chosen Child: So, should we be woried that most of hour partners are demon?
Tamer: Beelzemon has a precedent for Demon types not being evil. I am a bit concered that your 12 year old girl has the crest of "Lust".
Bio-Hybrid: You've never been to a public middle school in the mid-west, have you?

Bio-Hybrid: I destroy the angel-type and load it's data.
Chosen Child's partner(Lilithmon): It is a sad day, is it not, when one in the form of a Royal Knight is more evil than one of the Seven Great Demon Lords
Bio-Hybrid: Oh come on now, you loaded data from those orphans too.