Classes of Loathing

[Kazyan]

Classes of Loathing

Kingdom of Loathing is an online browser-based RPG that is 90% silly, and the 10% of seriousness makes all the difference to bring it from good to awesome. In honor of the game, I hereby post a translation of the six classes to D&D 3.5. The homebrew work is my own, but the concepts presented are based on those from Asymmetric Publications--the names of the classes and most of the class features are the names of actual classes and abilities from Kingdom of Loathing. Critique and balance suggestions are welcome.

Post 1: Intro
Post 2: Seal Clubber
Post 3: Turtle Tamer
Post 4: Pastamancer
Post 5: Sauceror
Post 6: Disco Bandit
Post 7: Accordion Thief
Post 8: Reserved

[Kazyan]

Seal Clubber

Seal Clubbers come from a proud lineage of people from the frigid Northlands, which is a lot tougher than you’d think just by hearing the name. There’s not much to eat, not much to do, and you constantly get attacked by the vicious seals. It sounds like a joke, but in Loathing, seals are vicious predators with a bite that can tear off limbs, both merciless and evil. Most Northland natives grow up learning the survival method of seal clubbing, making them formidable with anything that can be used to whack people with.

GAME RULE INFORMATION
Seal Clubbers have the following game statistics.
Abilities: Seal Clubbers rely on "Muscle", which can be either Strength or Constitution at mid-levels, but they remain separate at low levels. Seal Clubbers don't actually do much that isn't Strength-related, though Intelligence improves their skill point totals.
Alignment: Any.
Hit Die: d10
Starting Age: As barbarian.
Starting Gold: As barbarian.
Class Skills
The Seal Clubber's class skills (and the key ability for each skill) are Climb (Str), Concentration (Con), Craft (Int), Handle Animal (Cha), Heal (Wis), Hide (Dex), Jump (Str), Knowledge (dungeoneering) (Int), Knowledge (geography) (Int), Knowledge (nature) (Int), Listen (Wis), Move Silently (Dex), Profession (Wis), Search (Int), Spot (Wis), Survival (Wis), Swim (Str), and Use Rope (Dex).
Skill Points at First Level: (4 + Int modifier) x 4
Skill Points at Each Additional Level: 4 + Int modifier
Seal Clubber

Level	Base Attack Bonus	Fort Save	Ref Save	Will Save	Special
1st	+1	+2	+0	+0	Muscular, Favored Enemy (Seals), Seal Clubbing Frenzy
2nd	+2	+3	+0	+0	Clobber
3rd	+3	+3	+1	+1	Lunge-Smack
4th	+4	+4	+1	+1	Batter Up!
5th	+5	+4	+1	+1	Ascension (Casual)
6th	+6/+1	+5	+2	+2	Pulverize
7th	+7/+2	+5	+2	+2	Very Muscular, Hibernate
8th	+8/+3	+6	+2	+2	Super-Advanced Meatsmithing
9th	+9/+4	+6	+3	+3	Thrust-Smack
10th	+10/+5	+7	+3	+3	Ascension (Normal)
11th	+11/+6/+1	+7	+3	+3	Double-Fisted Skull Smashing
12th	+12/+7/+2	+8	+4	+4	Wrath of the Wolverine
13th	+13/+8/+3	+8	+4	+4	Precision of the Penguin
14th	+14/+9/+4	+9	+4	+4	Really Muscular, Cold Shoulder
15th	+15/+10/+5	+9	+5	+5	Ascension (Hardcore)
16th	+16/+11/+6/+1	+10	+5	+5	Lunging Thrust-Smack
17th	+17/+12/+7/+2	+10	+5	+5	Northern Exposure
18th	+18/+13/+8/+3	+11	+6	+6	Hide of the Walrus
19th	+19/+14/+9/+4	+11	+6	+6	Claws of the Walrus
20th	+20/+15/+10/+5	+12	+6	+6	Ascension (Bad Moon), Malus of Forethought

Weapon and Armor Proficiencies: Seal clubbers are proficient with simple weapons, martial melee weapons, and all clubs, including improvised weapons used in ways similar to clubs (such as chair legs, sticks, and rods). Seal clubbers are proficient with light, medium, and heavy armor, and with shields (including tower shields).

Class Features
All of the following are class features of the Seal Clubber.

Muscular (Ex): A Seal clubber can use their Constitution modifier in place of their Strength modifier and vice versa, for the purposes of skill checks and ability checks.

Favored Enemy (Seals) (Ex): As the Ranger ability, except that the bonuses apply only to seals.

Seal Clubbing Frenzy (Ex): Seal Clubbers are not Barbarians. However, their behaviors are similar. A Seal Clubber qualifies for feats and prestige classes as if they had the Rage ability. For the purposes of activating feats such as Reckless Rage, or gaining the benefits of classes such as Bear Warrior--both of which only function during a rage--a Seal Clubber may activate those abilities anyway, a number of times per day equal to 1 + 1/4 their class level, as if they were raging. For example, a 6th-level Seal Clubber with the Intimidating Rage feat may "rage" twice per day, complete with an attempt to demoralize a foe within 30 feet.

Clobber (Ex): At 2nd level, a seal clubber adds 1.5x their Strength modifier to damage rolls dealt when attacking with a melee bludgeoning weapon, as if it were a two-handed weapon, even if it is one-handed or light. If they have the Power Attack feat, they can use the feat with any melee bludgeoning weapon as if it were a two-handed weapon.

Lunge-Smack (Ex): At 3rd level, when a Seal Clubber charges and attacks with a melee bludgeoning weapon, they deal additional damage equal to half of their class level.

Batter Up! (Ex): At 4th level, a Seal Clubber gains Knock-Back as a bonus feat. They need not meet the prerequisites.

Ascension (Su): At 5th level, a Seal Clubber recalls memories of a past life. They gain one class feature of your choice normally available to any other Class of Loathing by 4th level or lower. At 10th level, they gain another class feature normally available to any other Class of Loathing by 9th level or lower. At 15th level, they gain another class feature normally available to any other Class of Loathing by 14th level or lower. Finally, at 20th level, they gain another class feature normally available to any other Class of Loathing by 19th level or lower. Abilities gained by ascension are not always as potent as they are when native to the original class; the Seal Clubber's class level for the purposes of Ascension abilities is half of their class level.

Pulverize (Ex): At 6th level, a Seal Clubber can smash magical items. This process requires a melee bludgeoning weapon and 1 minute, and renders the item into magical powers, nuggets, and wads that can be sold for 80% of the market price of the smashed item. They can also be used to craft magical items, as if they were the necessary material components required for crafting, worth the value that they could normally be sold for. Nonmagical items can be smashed, but the powders produced are useless.

Pulverizing a magic item properly requires the right tool; not just any weapon can do the job. A masterwork melee bludgeoning weapon can smash an item with a caster level of up to 1. A melee bludgeoning weapon must otherwise have an enhancement bonus of at least 1/4 the caster level of the magic item (to a minimum of +1), in order for smashing to commence.

Very Muscular (Ex): At 7th level, a Seal Clubber's Strength and Constitution become equal to whichever one is higher. Penalties, bonuses, damage and drain still apply individually.

Super-Advanced Meatsmithing (Su): At 8th level, a Seal Clubber gains the Craft Magic Arms and Armor feat. They need not meet the prerequisites of the feat, nor the spellcasting prerequisites of the items they create with this feat. They must meet other sorts of prerequisites (so an 8th-level Seal Clubber can craft an unholy weapon without knowing unholy blight, but they must still be evil to do so.) Items created with Super-Advanced Meatsmithing look primitive--they are forged from combinations of exotic hides, bone, sinew-rope, and even treated animal flesh. Nevertheless, they are just as functional as more conventional items, though they cannot be made form special materials such as adamantine.

Thrust-Smack (Ex): At 9th level, when a Seal Clubber charges and attacks with a melee bludgeoning weapon, their reach increases by 5' as they thrust beyond their usual range.

Double-Fisted Skull Smashing (Ex): At 11th level, a Seal Clubber gains the benefit of the Two-Weapon Fighting and Oversize Two-Weapon Fighting feats when using two melee bludgeoning weapons. They need not meet the prerequisites.

Wrath of the Wolverine (Ex): At 12th level, a Seal Clubber gains a bonus feat that requires Rage as a prerequisite. They must meet the prerequisites. If no feat is available, they gain no benefit from this class feature.

Precision of the Penguin (Ex): At 13th level, a Seal Clubber doubles the critical threat range of any melee bludgeoning weapon that they wield. This does not stack with Improved Critical, Keen, or similar effects.

Really Muscular (Ex): At 14th level, all bonuses to a Seal Clubber's Strength or Constitution apply to both scores. Bonuses of the same type still do not stack--so a Belt of Giant Strength +4 and an Amulet of Health +2 do not result in a net +6 to Strength and Constitution when worn together.

Cold Shoulder (Su): At 14th level, a Seal Clubber channels the frigidity of the Frozen Northlands with their blows. They apply the Icy Burst weapon property to all melee bludgeoning weapons that they wield. They can also freeze objects up to diminutive size with a touch as a standard action, and items up to tiny size as a full-round action. Creatures grappling with a Seal Clubber take 1d6 points of cold damage per round at the start of the Seal Clubber's turn.

Lunging Thrust-Smack (Ex): At 16th level, when a Seal Clubber charges and attacks with a melee bludgeoning weapon, they can attack an additional time at their highest base attack bonus.

Northern Exposure (Ex): At 17th level, the Seal Clubber becomes immune to cold damage.

Hide of the Walrus (Ex): At 18th level, a Seal Clubber is extraordinarily tough. They take half damage from all physical damage sources.

Claws of the Walrus (Ex): At 19th level, a Seal Clubber is infused with the spirit of the War Walrus. They gain an additional attack at their highest base attack bonus on a full attack or standard action attack. This does not stack with Lunging Thrust-Smack's additional attack.

Malus of Forethought (Ex): At 20th level, a Seal Clubber can use a melee bludgeoning weapon made of adamantine (or a harder material) with an enhancement bonus of +5 or greater as a Pulverize implement. If they do so, they can smash an item of any caster level. It can even be used to smash minor artifacts, which results in a scintillating, potent item called an "Ultimate Wad". An Ultimate Wad is priceless, as are artifacts, and can be consumed by eating it. Ultimate Wads grant a character experience points equal to 1000 x their current level when consumed. Ultimate Wads can also be used as an optional component when crafting an epic magic item, which adds 100 days to the crafting period, but the resultant item is then immune to all nonepic dispelling effects, including disjunction.

[Kazyan]

Turtle Tamer

Turtle Tamers study turtles and tortoises, some of the most benign and friendly animals in Loathing. In doing so, they make connections with ancient turtle spirits, use fighting styles inspired by armor, and learn more about the great cold-blooded connection between all living things.

GAME RULE INFORMATION
Turtle Tamers have the following game statistics.
Abilities: A Turtle Tamer benefits from “Muscle”, but Charisma also improves the save DCs of some of their abilities, as well as the Handle Animal checks they often make.
Alignment: Any nonevil.
Hit Die: d8
Starting Age: As bard.
Starting Gold: As bard.
Class Skills
The Turtle Tamer’s class skills (and the key ability for each skill) are Climb (Str), Concentration (Con), Craft (Int), Handle Animal (Cha), Heal (Wis), Hide (Dex), Jump (Str), Knowledge (dungeoneering) (Int), Knowledge(geography) (Int), Knowledge (nature) (Int), Listen (Wis), Move Silently (Dex), Profession (Wis), Ride (Dex), Search (Int), Spot (Wis), Survival (Wis), Swim (Str), and Use Rope (Dex).
Skill Points at First Level: (2 + Int modifier) x 4
Skill Points at Each Additional Level: 2 + Int modifier
Turtle Tamer

Level	Base Attack Bonus	Fort Save	Ref Save	Will Save	Special
1st	+0	+2	+0	+2	Muscular, Wild Empathy, Ally of Animals
2nd	+1	+3	+0	+3	Toss
3rd	+2	+3	+1	+3	Blessing of the Turtle Spirits
4th	+3	+4	+1	+4	Headbutt
5th	+3	+4	+1	+4	Ascension (Casual)
6th	+4	+5	+2	+5	Amphibian Sympathy
7th	+5	+5	+2	+5	Very Muscular, Ghostly Shell (Cha/day)
8th	+6/+1	+6	+2	+6	Armorcraftiness
9th	+6/+1	+6	+3	+6	Shieldbutt
10th	+7/+2	+7	+3	+7	Ascension (Normal)
11th	+8/+3	+7	+3	+7	Testudinal Teachings
12th	+9/+4	+8	+4	+8	Astral Shell (Cha/day)
13th	+9/+4	+8	+4	+8	Spirit Boon (Cha/day)
14th	+10/+5	+9	+4	+9	Really Muscular, Kneebutt
15th	+11/+6/+1	+9	+5	+9	Ascension (Hardcore)
16th	+12/+7/+2	+10	+5	+10	Spirit Snap
17th	+12/+7/+2	+10	+5	+10	Cold-Blooded Fearlessness
18th	+13/+8/+3	+11	+6	+11	Wisdom of the Elder Tortoises
19th	+14/+9/+4	+11	+6	+11	Hero of the Half-Shell
20th	+15/+10/+5	+12	+6	+12	Ascension (Bad Moon), Turtle Power

Weapon and Armor Proficiencies: Turtle Tamers are proficient with simple weapons and martial melee weapons. They are proficient with light armor, medium armor, and all shields.

Class Features
All of the following are class features of the Turtle Tamer.

Muscular (Ex): As the Seal Clubber ability.

Wild Empathy (Ex): As the Druid ability, except that it only applies to turtles and tortoises.

Ally of Animals (Ex): A Turtle Tamer is neither a druid nor a ranger. However, they can tame animals in ways that are similar to animal companions. If a Turtle Tamer uses Handle Animal to successfully tame an animal for the purposes of combat, they may treat that animal as an animal companion for the purposes of feats and prestige classes. They may only have one designated animal companion at any time. Turtle Tamer levels do not grant any bonuses to a designated animal companion--so a trained horse will not become more powerful over time like an animal companion would--but levels in classes such as Beastmaster function normally.

Toss (Ex): At 2nd level, a Turtle Tamer can throw a willing creature two or more size categories smaller than themselves as an improvised ranged weapon with a range increment of 30 feet. Creatures thrown in this way take no damage, but they land prone in the square of the target, unless they make a DC 10 Jump or Tumble check upon landing. The thrown creature's base damage as a weapon is equal to the unarmed strike damage of a Medium-sized Monk of level equal to their Hit Dice. If the creature has less than 1 Hit Die, its base damage is 1d4.

Effects that allow the Turtle Tamer to wield larger weapons apply to Tossing creatures. For example, a Medium-sized Turtle Tamer wearing a pair of Strongarm Bracers can Toss a Small creature. Using larger creatures does not increase the base damage of the Toss.

Blessing of the Turtle Spirits (Su): At 3rd level, a Turtle Tamer can call upon the ancient Turtle Spirits for greater abilities. At any time, they can engage in a 10-minute meditation session to gain the blessing of one of the following Turtle Spirits for 24 hours. A character can only have only one blessing of a Turtle Spirit at once.

Turtle Spirits are not vestiges, but they function similarly to them. All Turtle Spirit abilities are supernatural, and a Turtle Tamer has an effective binder level equal to their class level. They can also take feats related to use of vestiges and apply them to Turtle Spirits. For example, Expel Vestige allows a Turtle Tamer to expel a turtle spirit, and Improved Binding allows a Turtle Tamer to access the higher Turtle Spirits and blessings as if they were a Turtle Tamer of 2 levels higher.

The Turtle Spirits are listed below. They can be accessed at the level listed in parenthesis next to them.

The War Snapper's Blessing (3rd): You gain a +3 sacred bonus to weapon damage rolls and temporary hit points equal to your Turtle Tamer level.
She-Who-Was's Blessing (5th): You gain a +2 sacred bonus to Wisdom and a +4 sacred bonus to Intimidate checks.
The Storm Tortoise's Blessing (7th): You gain a +2 sacred bonus to Initiative checks, and you gain an extra use of all of your Turtle Tamer abilities which are available a number of times per day equal to your Charisma modifier for the day.
The War Snapper's Great Blessing (9th): You gain a +6 sacred bonus to weapon damage rolls and temporary hit points equal to twice your Turtle Tamer level. This replaces The War Snapper's Blessing.
She-Who-Was's Great Blessing (11th): You gain a +4 sacred bonus to Wisdom and a +8 sacred bonus to Intimidate checks. This replaces She-Who-Was's Blessing.
The Storm Tortoise's Great Blessing (13th): You gain a +4 sacred bonus to Initiative checks, and you gain two extra uses of all of your Turtle Tamer abilities which available a number of times per day equal to your Charisma modifier. This replaces The Storm Tortoise's Blessing.
The War Snapper's Glorious Blessing (15th): You gain a +10 sacred bonus to weapon damage rolls and temporary hit points equal to three times your Turtle Tamer level. This Replaces The War Snapper's Great Blessing
She-Who-Was's Glorious Blessing (17th): You gain a +6 sacred bonus to Wisdom and a +12 sacred bonus to Intimidate checks. This replaces She-Who-Was's Grand Blessing.
The Storm Tortoise's Glorious Blessing (19th): You gain a +6 sacred bonus to Initiative checks, and you gain three extra uses of all of your Turtle Tamer abilities which are available a number of times per day equal to your Charisma modifier. This replaces The Storm Tortoise's Blessing.

This ability can be chosen with another Class of Loathing's Ascension ability, but it only results in access to one of the Turtle Spirit blessings of your choice. It cannot be a Great Blessing or Glorious Blessing.

Headbutt (Ex): At 4th level, the Turtle Tamer can deliver a vicious headbutt as a standard action. Treat this as an unarmed strike. If the Turtle Tamer is wearing any sort of helmet, they are treated as armed, and thus do not provoke an attack of opportunity if they lack Improved Unarmed Strike. If they are wearing a magic item in their Head slot, they add twice the caster level of the item to their damage roll and one quarter of the caster level as an enhancement bonus to their attack roll.

Ascension (Su): As the Seal Clubber ability.

Amphibian Sympathy (Ex): At 6th level, the Turtle Tamer is more in tune with the way animals feel, and can teach them to become stronger. Any animals tamed or reared via the use of the Turtle Tamer's Handle Animal skill are advanced by 2 Hit Dice, though they do not grow in size.

Really Muscular (Ex): As the Seal Clubber ability.

Ghostly Shell (Su): At 7th level, a Turtle Tamer can conjure a ghostly shell around a willing creature within 60 feet as a standard action, up to a number of times per day equal to their Charisma modifier (minimum 1). A Ghostly shell lasts for a number of rounds equal to half the Turtle Tamer's level. A ghostly shell moves with the creature it is conjured around, and provides concealment, as the blur spell.

Armorcraftiness (Ex): At 8th level, a Turtle Tamer gains the benefit of the Create Wondrous Item feat, except that they can only create Head, Face, and Feet slot items. They need not meet the prerequisites of the feat, nor the spellcasting prerequisites of the items they create with this feat. They must meet other sorts of prerequisites (so an 8th-level Turtle Tamer can craft a pair of Boots of Striding and Springing without knowing longstrider, but they must still have 5 ranks in Jump to do so.) Items created with Armorcraftiness are crafted out of treated animal hides, so they cannot be made of special materials.

Shieldbutt (Ex): At 9th level, a Turtle Tamer can deliver more powerful shield bashes. When they make a shield bash, they can add the shield's enhancement bonus to AC to its enhancement bonus to attack and damage rolls. For example, a Trutle Tamer making a bash with a +2 Light Shield with +1 Flaming Shield Spikes treats the spikes as a +3 Flaming weapon.

Testudinal Teachings (Ex): At 11th level, the Turtle Tamer's tortoise-like patience lets them be a better teacher to animals. Any animals tamed or reared via the use of the Turtle Tamer's Handle Animal skill are advanced by an additional 2 Hit Dice, though they do not grow in size. This stacks with Amphibian Sympathy. Furthermore, animals trained by the Turtle Tamer can learn an additional three tricks above their normal maximum.

Astral Shell (Su): At 12th level, a Turtle Tamer can conjure an astral shell around a willing creature within 60 feet as a standard action, up to a number of times per day equal to their Charisma modifier (minimum 1). An astral shell lasts for a number of rounds equal to half the Turtle Tamer's level. An astral shell moves with the creature it is conjured around, and provides concealment, as the blur spell, and also provides resistance 10 to fire, cold, electricity, acid, and sonic damage. A character with both an astral and a ghostly shell around them receives the benefit of the displacement spell instead of blur.

Spirit Boon (Su): At 13th level, a Turtle Tamer can draw upon whichever Turtle Spirit they are bound to as a swift action to gain an extra benefit, up to a number of times per day equal to their Charisma modifier (minimum 1). Boons last for 1 minute. Spirit Boons count as Turtle Spirit granted abilities, so they may interact with vestige-related feats.

If currently hosting The War Snapper, when the Turtle Tamer deals weapon damage, they gain a number of temporary hit points equal to 1/10 of the damage dealt. These hit points stack with each other, and disappear at the end of the 1 minute duration of the boon.

If currently hosting She-Who-Was, when the Turtle Tamer deals weapon damage, the target must make a Will saving throw (DC 10 + 1/2 Turtle Tamer level + Cha modifier) or be shaken for 1 minute. This does not stack with other effects that would escalate a fear effect beyond shaken.

If currently hosting the Storm Tortoise, any weapon the Turtle Tamer wields gains the Shock weapon ability and bypasses damage reduction as if it were magical.

Really Muscular (Ex): As the Seal Clubber ability.

Kneebutt (Ex): At 14th level, a Turtle Tamer can deliver unarmed attacks with their knee. They gain the Snap Kick feat as a bonus feat, and need not meet the prerequisites. If they are wearing any sort of armor that covers the knee (such as full plate), they are treated as armed for the purposes of the extra unarmed attack, and thus do not provoke an attack of opportunity even if they lack the Improved Unarmed Strike feat.

Spirit Snap (Su): At 16th level, a Turtle Tamer can unleash a Turtle Spirit's wrath at range. As a full-round action, the Turtle Tamer can make a full attack with a melee weapon against any creature within 60 feet, even if they are out of the Turtle Tamer's melee reach. These attacks gain the benefit of Spirit Boon. The Turtle Spirit attacks instead of the Turtle Tamer themselves. This consumes a use of Spirit Boon, and has no effect if the turtle Tamer is not hosting a Turtle Spirit. If the Turtle Tamer activates Spirit Boon before using Spirit Snap, they do not stack.

Cold-Blooded Fearlessness (Ex): Turtles never run--they're not afraid of anything. At 17th level, the Turtle Tamer becomes immune to fear effects.

Wisdom of the Elder Tortoises (Ex): At 18th level, the Turtle Tamer reaches a level of awareness comparable to the Elder Tortoises in the Days of Old. The Turtle Tamer gains blindsense out to 30 feet.

Hero of the Half-Shell (Ex): At 19th level, a Turtle Tamer is so hardy with their shields that they can fend off some damage even if an attack gets through their armor. When using a shield, a Turtle Tamer gains DR/-- equal to twice the shield's bonus to AC.

Turtle Power (Su): At 20th level, a Turtle Tamer's bond with the Turtle Spirits allows them to become a corporeal avatar of whichever one they are hosting. Once per week, as a full-round action, they can become an avatar of the Turtle Spirit they are hosting, for 5 rounds. These count as Turtle Spirit granted abilities, so they may interact with vestige-related feats. If the Turtle Tamer is not hosting a Turtle Spirit, this has no effect.

If hosting The War Snapper, the Turtle Tamer gains DR/-- equal to their Turtle Tamer level (which stacks with Hero of the Half Shell), gains a +5 competence bonus to attack rolls, and may make two additional attacks at their highest base attack bonus on a full attack action. This does not stack with haste or similar effects.

If hosting She-Who-Was, the Turtle Tamer gains fire, cold, electricity, acid, and sonic resistance equal to twice your Turtle Tamer level. At any one time during the duration of Turtle Power, you can speak a word of She-Who-Was's voice as a standard action. All enemies within 60 feet take fire, cold, electricity, acid, and sonic damage when you do so; the total of this damage is five times your Turtle Tamer level, divided equally among the elements. A Will save, DC 10 + 1/2 Turtle Tamer level + Cha modifier, halves this damage.

If hosting the Storm Tortoise, you gain an additional move action during each of your turns. At any one time during the duration of Turtle Power, you can cause an enemy within line of sight to be struck by a bolt of lightning, dealing 2d6 damage per Turtle Tamer level. A Reflex save reduces the damage to 5d6, DC 10 + 1/2 Turtle Tamer level + Cha modifier. Finally, you gain immunity to electricity.

In all cases, becoming a Turtle Spirit avatar grants you eight times your Turtle Tamer level in temporary hit points, which disappear after the 5 round duration has passed.

[Kazyan]

Pastamancer

In Loathing, magic and cooking are inextricably intertwined. To study magic, one must become a cook of some variety to manipulate magic. With the noteable exception of the archmage Jarlsberg, most magi do not focus on culinary arts beyond a handful of powerful subschools. Pastamancy is one of the two modern schools of Loathing’s magic, and bears resemblances to both Evocation and Conjuration.
GAME RULE INFORMATION
Pastamancers have the following game statistics.
Abilities: Pastamncers key their abilities of their “Mysticality”, but also require Constitution to not die in a stiff breeze, and Dexterity is always useful for using crossbows at low levels (and for the Spaghetti Spear they rely on at low levels).
Alignment: Any.
Hit Die: d4
Starting Age: As cleric.
Starting Gold: As cleric.
Class Skills
The Pastamancer's class skills (and the key ability for each skill) are Concentration (Con), Craft (Int), Decipher Script (Int), Knowledge (all skills, taken individually) (Int), Profession (Wis), and Spellcraft (Int).
Skill Points at First Level: (2 + Int modifier) x 4
Skill Points at Each Additional Level: 2 + Int modifier
Pastamancer

Level	Base Attack Bonus	Fort Save	Ref Save	Will Save	Special
1st	+0	+0	+0	+2	Mystical, Chef-mage (0th), Pasta Spellcasting
2nd	+1	+0	+0	+3	Spaghetti Spear (1st)
3rd	+2	+1	+1	+3	Summon Pasta Thrall
4th	+3	+1	+1	+4	Utensil Twist (2nd)
5th	+3	+1	+1	+4	Ascension (Casual)
6th	+4	+2	+2	+5	Lasagna Bandages (3rd)
7th	+5	+2	+2	+5	Very Mystical, Canneloni Cannon (4th)
8th	+6/+1	+2	+2	+6	Pastamastery (5th)
9th	+6/+1	+3	+3	+6	Springy Fusilli
10th	+7/+2	+3	+3	+7	Ascension (Normal)
11th	+8/+3	+3	+3	+7	Spirit of Rigatoni (6th)
12th	+9/+4	+4	+4	+8	Flavour of Magic
13th	+9/+4	+4	+4	+8	Shield of the Pastalord (7th)
14th	+10/+5	+4	+4	+9	Really Mystical, Spirit of Ravioli
15th	+11/+6/+1	+5	+5	+9	Ascension (Hardcore)
16th	+12/+7/+2	+5	+5	+10	Weapon of the Pastalord (8th)
17th	+12/+7/+2	+5	+5	+10	Tolerance of the Kitchen
18th	+13/+8/+3	+6	+6	+11	Subtle and Quick to Anger
19th	+14/+9/+4	+6	+6	+11	Entangling Noodles (9th)
20th	+15/+10/+5	+6	+6	+12	Ascension (Bad Moon), Wok of Ages

Weapon and Armor Proficiencies: Pastamancers are proficient with simple weapons and cooking utensils used as improvised weapons. They are not proficient with any shields or armor.

Class Features
All of the following are class features of the Pastamancer.

Mystical (Ex): A Pastamancer can use their Intelligence modifier in place of their Wisdom modifier and vice versa, for the purposes of skill checks and ability checks.

Chef-mage (Su): To the Pastamancer, manipulating the fabric of reality is basically the same thing as making food. They can make a Spellcraft check in place of a Craft (Cooking) or Profession (Cooking) check. Also, a pastamancer can use prestidigitation as a pasta spell (see below).

Pasta Spellcasting (Su): A Pastamancer is not a wizard, but they're similar. A Pastamancer's uses per day of their pasta spells are modified by their Intelligence score, as if receiving bonus spells. Furthermore, their uses per day of their pasta abilities count as spell slots for all purposes, the abilities themselves are spells, and a Pastamancer has an arcane caster level equal to their class level.

For example, a Pastamancer with 22 Intelligence can use Utensil Twist 6 times per day, instead of 4. If they have a Pearl of Power (2nd level), they can recover a use of Utensil Twist with the pearl.

Unless stated otherwise, a Pastamancer can use their pasta abilities 4 times per day, modified by their intelligence modifier. Pasta abilities are marked with their equivalent spell level in the table above.

Spaghetti Spear (Sp): At 2nd level, a Pastamancer can summon a javelin made of uncooked spaghetti in one hand as part of a standard action attack or a full attack action. This javelin lasts for 1 round, and has an enhancement bonus to hit and damage equal to 1/4 of the Pastamancer's caster level (maximum +5). At caster level 3 or lower, the javelin is nonmagical. The damage dealt by the javelin is treated as spell damage for the purposes of Spirit of Rigatoni.

Summon Pasta Thrall (Su): At 3rd level, a pastamancer can call into service a Pasta Thrall. Pasta Thralls are a type of familiar; they require more or less the same ritual to summon (though it's decidedly more pasta-themed) with the associated costs of 100 gp and 24 hours. The Pastamancer's Pasta Thrall can be any of the standard familiars, though it is a Construct instead of a Magical Beast, and is made of a type of pasta. Feats such as Improved Familiar apply to Pasta Thralls, though an Outsider-type familiar remains an Outsider instead of becoming a Construct when bound into its new, starchy body. A Pasta Thrall gains and provides benefits as the Pastamancer levels, in the same way that a familiar provides benefits as its wizard master levels.

Utensil Twist (Sp): At 4th level, when wielding a cooking utensil as an improvised weapon, the Pastamancer can activate Utensil Twist as part of a standard action attack or full attack action. For 1 round, the Pastamancer replaces their Strength modifier to attack and damage rolls with their Intelligence modifier when attacking with cooking utensils. The damage dealt by the utensil is treated as spell damage for the purposes of Spirit of Rigatoni.

Ascension (Su): As the Seal Clubber ability.

Lasagna Bandages (Sp): At 6th level, a Pastamancer can summon sticky, sterile sheets of lasagna that function as bandages. Applying a lasagna bandage requires a full-round action, and the pastamancer can only heal themselves with such bandages. The bandage proceeds to merge with the skin, healing 1d4 damage per caster level. If not applied, a bandage fades after 1 minute.

Very Mystical (Ex): At 7th level, a Pastamancer's Intelligence and Wisdom become equal to whichever one is higher. Penalties, bonuses, damage and drain still apply individually.

Cannelloni Cannon (Sp): At 7th level, a Pastamancer an evoke a cannon made from cannelloni and fire it as a standard action. The cannon then disappears. The cannon attacks and automatically hits with a shower of miscellaneous deadly substances, dealing 1d6 damage per two caster levels. The type of damage is randomly determined by rolling 1d6.

Result	Damage Type
1	Fire
2	Cold
3	Electricity
4	Acid
5	Sonic
6	Slashing (subject to DR but not SR)

Pastamastery (Sp): At 8th level, a Pastamancer can conjure dry noodles from the ether, sufficient to feed one Medium creature per casting when cooked. Food made from these noodles is not only delicious, but can improve the talents of those who eat it. A full meal made with Pastamastery noodles grants an enhancement bonus to either Strength and Constitution, Dexterity and Charisma, or Intelligence and Wisdom to the one who eats it. The enhancement bonus depends on the caster level:

CL	Bonus
8-11	+2
12-15	+4
16+	+6

In any case, the benefits of a Pastamancer's meals last for 24 hours. A character can only benefit from one Pastamastery meal at one time. New meals do not replace the benefits of old ones.

Springy Fusili (Su): At 9th level, a Pastamancer's body is infused with springiness. They gain Improved Initiative as a bonus feat.

Spirit of Rigatoni (Su): At 11th level, a Pastamancer can permanently transmute a staff into a Chefstaff, a powerful tool specifically suited to chef-magi. The Pastamancer gains the Open Least Chakra (Hands) feat as a bonus feat; they need not meet the prerequisites. To transmute a staff, the pastamancer must bind the staff to their now-open Hands chakra. After doing so, the staff changes into a decidedly kitchen-themed form, and gains a variety of abilities, as listed below. (The Pastamancer can unbind the chefstaff from their Hands chakra at any time, but doing so consumes half of the staff's remaining charges, plus an additional five charges.)

Firstly, the Pastamancer's spells and supernatural abilities are affected as if by any one metamagic feat of a spell slot adjustment up to the amount listed on the table. The exact metamagic feat is up to the Pastamancer's choice, but each feat requires the staff to contain a spell of a certain spell school or descriptor in order to be selected. No actual spell slot adjustment is applied to the Pastamancer's spells; a Quickened Spaghetti Spear is cast from the Spaghetti Spear (1st) uses per day, not the Pastamastery (5th) uses per day. If desired, Pasta spells can be cast without the spell slot adjustment.

Staff caster level	Maximum spell slot adjustment
8-10	+0
11-12	+1
13-15	+2
16-18	+3
19+	+4

Spoiler: Long Metamagic Table

Show

Metamagic Feat	Required School or descriptor
Black Lore of Moil	Necromancy
Blistering Spell	[Fire]
Born of Three Thunders	[Electricity] or [Sonic]
Chain Spell	Abjuration
City Magic	Conjuration
Coercive Spell	Enchantment
Consecrate Spell	[Good]
Cooperative Spell	Divination
Corrupt Spell	[Evil]
Deafening Spell	[Sonic]
Deceptive Spell	Illusion
Delay Spell	Transmutation
Disrupting Spell	Abjuration
Earthbound Spell	[Earth]
Echoing Spell	Divination
Empower Spell	Evocation
Energize Spell	Conjuration (Healing)
Energy Admixture	Evocation
Energy Substitution	Evocation
Enervate Spell	Necromancy
Enlarge Spell	Transmutation
Entangling Spell	Conjuration
Explosive Spell	Evocation
Extend Spell	Universal
Fell (X)	Necromancy
Fiery Spell	[Fire]
Flash Frost Spell	[Cold]
Fortify Spell	Divination
Heighten Spell	Conjuration
Invisible Spell	Transmutation
Lingering Spell	Universal
Lord of the Uttercold	[Cold]
Maximize Spell	Evocation
Nonlethal Substitution	Enchantment
Ocular Spell	Transmutation
Persistent Spell	Hahaha, no
Piercing Cold	[Cold]
Purify Spell	[Good]
Quicken Spell	Universal
Rapid Spell	Conjuration
Reach Spell	Evocation
Repeat Spell	Conjuration
Retributive Spell	Abjuration
Sanctum Spell	Abjuration
Sculpt Spell	Transmutation
Searing Spell	[Fire]
Selective Spell	Enchantment
Silent Spell	Enchantment
Still Spell	Enchantment
Transdimensional Spell	[Teleportation]
Twin Spell	Conjuration
Umbral Spell	[Darkness]
Violate Spell	[Evil]
Widen Spell	Transmutation

Secondly, the Pastamancer gains additional pasta spells per day as if her Intelligence modifier were higher by an amount equal to the spell level of the spell with the highest level in the chefstaff.

For example, a Pastamancer with a +4 Intelligence modifier using a Staff of Defense binds it to his hands chakra, making it a Chefstaff of Defense. It has a caster level of 15, so they can apply a metamagic feat with a +2 spell slot adjustment to their pasta spells. A Chefstaff of Defense contains only Abjurations, so they can choose from Chain, Sanctum, Retributive, or Disrupting metamagics. Chain Spell is a +3 metamagic, so it is unavailable. The Pastamancer chooses Retributive Spell, so all of his pasta spells can be cast as Retributive spells if desired. The highest spell level of spell in a Chefstaff of Defense is 8, so the Pastamancer's Intelligence modifier is thus treated as +12 for the purposes of determining bonus spell slots.

Flavour of Magic (Su): At 12th level, the Pastamancer can meditate for 1 hour to change the damage type of their damage-dealing pasta spells. The change is permanent until Flavour of Magic is used again. The useable damage types are fire, cold, electricity, and acid. The Pastamancer can also meditate for 10 minutes to end the effect of Flavour of Magic, allowing their pasta spells to deal their normal type of damage.

Shield of the Pastalord (Sp): At 13th level, the Pastamancer can conjure a shield of pasta that hovers in front of them. This shield lasts for 1 round per level. The shield's quality depends on the spell's caster level. A shield of pasta does not impose arcane spell failure chance.

Caster level	Shield quality
13-14	+1 animated light shield
15-16	+1 animated heavy shield
17-18	+2 animated heavy shield
19+	+3 animated heavy shield

Really Mystical (Ex): At 14th level, all bonuses to a Pastamancer's Intelligence or Wisdom apply to both scores. Bonuses of the same type still do not stack--so a Headband of Intellect +4 and a Periapt of Wisdom +2 do not result in a net +6 to Intelligence and Wisdom when worn together.

Spirit of Ravioli (Su): At 14th level, a Pastamancer finally stops being so squishy. They gain Fast Healing 1. This Fast Healing does not apply when the Pastamancer is above half their maximum HP.

Weapon of the Pastalord (Sp): At 16th level, the Pastamancer can summon a magical pasta weapon to strike an opponent. A Weapon of the Pastalord is extremely difficult to summon and maintain, thus, it only lasts for its single attack. A Weapon of the Pastalord attacks with an attack bonus of the Pastamancer's caster level + Intelligence modifier, and deals 1d6 slashing damage per caster level. The damage is not subject to spell resistance.

If affected by Flavor of Magic, a Weapon of the Pastalord's damage is half slashing and half the appropriate damage type, instead of being entirely that damage type. This causes the weapon to be subject to spell resistance. If the Pastamancer fails to overcome spell resistance, only the slashing damage applies; the energy damage is wasted.

Tolerance of the Kitchen (Ex): At 17th level, the Pastamancer becomes immune to fire damage.

Subtle and Quick to Anger (Su): At 18th level, the Pastamancer can, once per day, cast a spell with a +2 bonus to their caster level.

Entangling Noodles (Sp): At 19th level, the Pastamancer can cast entangle as a pasta spell. This does not require the presence of plants; noodles appear out of nowhere to do the entangling. Further, freedom of movement does not defeat entanglement by entangling noodles, though it does provide a +6 bonus to the check to break free. Finally, entangled creatures cannot use spell-like or supernatural abilities while entangled; they must break free of the restrictive magics.

Wok of Ages (Su): At 20th level, a Pastamancer's creations are essentially perfect representations of the concept of noodles, but there is one more step to creating the ideal pasta. Lacking the enchanted cookware in the Kingdom of Loathing, one must improvise that last step. A Pastamancer can use the curved shape and heat conduction properties of a +5 mithral buckler, using it as a wok to cook their noodles in. Pastamastery dishes made in this way provide enhancement bonuses to all six attributes instead of only two.

Actual magical cookware may substitute for a +5 mithral bucker, but the cookware must be worth at least 25,000 gold and have a caster level of at least 15.

[Kazyan]

Sauceror

The other common school of Loathing’s magic is saucery, the study of sauces as the lifeblood of the universe. While Pastamancers are direct about their magic, saucerors rely on various other techniques, and are more mystical than the cerebral nature of pastamancy.

GAME RULE INFORMATION
Saucerors have the following game statistics.
Abilities: Saucereros are much like Pastamancers—they relat on “Mysticality”, require good Constitution, and gain the usual caster-associated benefits from Dexterity.
Alignment: Any.
Hit Die: d8
Starting Age: As cleric.
Starting Gold: As cleric.
Class Skills
The Sauceror's class skills (and the key ability for each skill) are Bluff (Cha), Concentration (Con), Craft(Int), Knowledge (all; taken individually) (Int), Profession (Wis), and Spellcraft (Int).
Skill Points at First Level: (4 + Int modifier) x 4
Skill Points at Each Additional Level: 4 + Int modifier
Sauceror

Level	Base Attack Bonus	Fort Save	Ref Save	Will Save	Special
1st	+0	+0	+0	+2	Mystical, Chef-mage, All is Sauce
2nd	+1	+0	+0	+3	Stream of Sauce
3rd	+2	+1	+1	+3	Curse of Vichyssoisse
4th	+3	+1	+1	+4	Jalapeno Saucesphere
5th	+3	+1	+1	+4	Ascension (Casual)
6th	+4	+2	+2	+5	Irrepressible Spunk
7th	+5	+2	+2	+5	Very Mystical, Curse of Marinara
8th	+6/+1	+2	+2	+6	Advanced Saucecrafting
9th	+6+1	+3	+3	+6	Saucicle
10th	+7/+2	+3	+3	+7	Ascension (Normal)
11th	+8/+3	+3	+3	+7	Curse of the Thousand Islands
12th	+9/+4	+4	+4	+8	Elemental Saucephere
13th	+9/+4	+4	+4	+8	Blood Sugar Sauce Magic
14th	+10/+5	+4	+4	+9	Really Mystical, Curse of Weaksauce
15th	+11/+6/+1	+5	+5	+9	Ascension (Hardcore)
16th	+12/+7/+2	+5	+5	+10	Saucegeyser
17th	+12/+7/+2	+5	+5	+10	Diminshed Gag Reflex
18th	+13/+8/+3	+6	+6	+11	Antibiotic Saucesphere
19th	+14/+9/+4	+6	+6	+11	Icy Glare
20th	+15/+10/+5	+6	+6	+12	Ascension (Bad Moon), Way of Sauce

Class Features
All of the following are class features of the Sauceror.

Weapon and Armor Proficiencies: Saucerors are proficient with simple weapons and saucepans used as improvised weapons. They can also use saucepans as shields, which function as light shields when used this way. Saucerors are proficient with saucepan shields, but not ordinary shields, nor any kind of armor.

Mystical (Ex): As the Pastamancer ability.

Chef-mage (Su): As the Pastamancer ability, except that the sauceror does not use prestidigitation. Instead, they can use acid splash as a spell-like ability a number of times per day equal to 3 + their Wisdom modifier. A sauceror's acid splashes are made of a powerful vinegar-based solution.

Once per day, you can invest essentia into this class feature (see below). You gain a number of additional uses of acid splash equal to the invested essentia. Once the amount of essentia invested is chosen, it cannot be altered and remains invested for 24 hours.

All is Sauce (Su): A sauceror is taught that all things are composed of sauce, the mystical basis of the universe. Their own bodies and souls are sauce, at some level.

Sauce, being an undercurrent of everything--including soulstuff--is somewhat like incarnum. A sauceror has a meldshaper level equal to their sauceror level. Further, a sauceror can convert some of their life force into soulsauce they can manipulate. To do so, the sauceror must meditate for 1 hour, as if shaping soulmelds. After doing so, they temporarily lose all hit points gained from their most recent Hit Die, and gain one point of soulsauce added to their essentia pool. Soulsauce is not technically essentia, but it can be used as essentia for all purposes--however, soulmelds and incarnum feats invested with soulsauce have red visualizations instead of blue.

A sauceror can convert multiple hit dice into soulsauce. When doing so, convert all of the most recent Hit Dice that have not already been converted. This does not actually reduce the sauceror's level or number of hit dice for the purposes of Holy Word and similar effect; it just removes all associated Hit Points--even those granted due to Constitution, Improved Toughness, and similar effects based on number of Hit Dice. If the sauceror has shaped the Vitality Belt soulmeld, treat the additional hit points from the soulmeld per meldshaper level as coming from Constitution.

A sauceror can convert all of their Hit Dice, if they so wish. If they do so, their maximum Hit Point total is 1 instead of 0.

A sauceror can use the same conversion procedure to convert their soulsauce back into Hit Points, but they cannot gain more Hit Die equivalents than their actual Hit Dice total in this way.

Stream of Sauce (Su): At 2nd level, a Sauceror can shoot a stream of sauce at an opponent a number of times per day equal to their sauceror level. To use this ability, make a ranged touch attack at a target within 60 feet. If successful, the target takes 1d6 + Wisdom modifier damage. This is either cold damage or hot damage, at the sauceror's choice.

If the Sauceror's Wisdom modifier is 5 or higher, the volume of sauce causes some of the sauce to splash back onto the sauceror's hands. For 5 minutes, the sauceror's damage-dealing supernatural abilities deal an additional 11 damage. If the character is not a sauceror (such as by gaining this ability through Ascension), the splashback instead deals 20 damage to the caster.

Once per day, you can invest essentia into this class feature. You gain a number of additional uses per day of Stream of Sauce equal to the invested essentia. Once the amount of essentia invested is chosen, it cannot be altered and remains invested for 24 hours.

Curse of Vichyssoise (Su): At 3rd level, a sauceror can summon a frigid globe of sauce as cold as they can stand to make it, then toss it. This ability can be used once per 5 minutes. To use this ability, make a ranged touch attack against a target within 60 feet. If successful, the target takes 1d6 cold damage. This damage repeats every round for 5 rounds at the beginning of the Sauceror's turn.

If the sauceror has cold resistance or cold immunity, the damage increases by one die step per 5 points of resistance, as shown on the table below.

Resistance	Damage
0-4	1d6
5-9	1d8
10-14	2d6
15-19	3d6
20+	4d6
Immunity	6d6

All Curse abilities can be used once per five minutes, but they share the cooldown period. For example, if the sauceror uses Curse of Vichyssoise, they cannot use any other curse for 5 minutes.

Once per day, you can invest essentia into this class feature. The damage from Curse of Vichyssoise lasts for an additional number of rounds equal to the invested essentia. Once the amount of essentia invested is chosen, it cannot be altered and remains invested for 24 hours.

Jalapeno Saucesphere (Su): At 4th level, once per day, the sauceror can conjure a Jalapeno Saucesphere around a willing target within 30 feet. A Jalapeno Saucesphere lasts for 24 hours. The thin, porous membrane of sauce does not interfere with sight or line of effect and does not grant concealment, but its spice is dangerous. Creatures attacking the target while the saucephere is active take 1d6 damage per attack. Further, the target gains DR 1/--.

Once per day, you can invest essentia into this class feature. The damage reduction granted by the saucephere increases by 2 times the essentia invested. Once the amount of essentia invested is chosen, it cannot be altered and remains invested for 24 hours.

Ascension (Su): As the Seal Clubber ability.

Irrepressible Spunk (Ex): At 6th level, when the saucerer uses All is Sauce to convert Hit Points into soulsauce, they gain 1 temporary hit point per converted Hit Die. A temporary hit points lasts until its respective Hit Die is converted back, or it is lost due to damage.

Curse of Marinara (Su): At 7th level, the Sauceror can unleash a Curse of Marinara once per 5 minutes. When using this ability, the target creature takes 1d6 + 1/2 sauceror level damage. A Fortitude Save negates this damage. If the save fails, marinara tendrils burst from the target's body. The damage repeats every round at the start of the sauceror's turn, as life energy is drained from the target. Additionally, after each instance of damage after the first, one of the marinara tendrils reaches out to touch the closest ally within 20 feet--the ally gains temporary hit points equal to the amount of damage dealt by the Curse of Marinara that turn.

Once per day, you can invest essentia into this class feature. The damage dealt by Curse of Marinara every round increases by an amount equal to twice the essentia invested. Once the amount of essentia invested is chosen, it cannot be altered and remains invested for 24 hours.

Very Mystical (Ex): As the Pastamancer ability.

Advanced Saucecrafting (Su): At 8th level, the sauceror gains Brew Potion as a bonus feat, except that they can create potions of any spell level--the potions are not limited to level 3. (Recall that the components required to create a potion cost the potion's spell level × its caster level × 50 gp.) The Sauceror need not know a spell to create the corresponding potion. However, they can only create potions if they are of high enough level, as shown by the chart below. For example, a 10th level sauceror can create potions with Sorcerer spells of up to 5th level, other arcane spells of up to 4th level, and other spells of up to 3rd level.

Sauceror level	Sorcerer/Wizard spell	Other arcane spell	Other spell (divine, mystery, etc..)
8-9	4th	3rd	2nd
10-11	5th	4th	3rd
12-13	6th	5th	4th
14-15	7th	6th	5th
16-17	8th	7th	6th
18-19	9th	8th	7th
20+	10th	9th	8th

Potions made by Advanced Saucecrafting have very strong tastes.

Saucicle (Su): At 9th level, a Sauceror can launch a frozen lance of sauce at a target, 3 + Wisdom modifier times per day. Treat this as a ranged touch attack with a range of 120 feet. If it hits, the target takes 1d6 cold damage per sauceror level. A successful Reflex save halves this damage.

Once per day, you can invest essentia into this class feature. The base damage dealt by Saucicle increases by 1d6 per essentia invested. Once the amount of essentia invested is chosen, it cannot be altered and remains invested for 24 hours.

Curse of the Thousand Islands (Su): At 11th level, once per 5 minutes, a Sauceror can curse a target by banishing most of their minds and bodies to a blood-dark void filled with floating, stranded landmasses. To use this ability, the sauceror targets a creature within 60 feet. The target must make a Will save or become incorporeal and confused, as the spell, for 5 minutes.

Once per day, you can invest essentia into this class feature. The save DC of Curse of the Thousand Islands increases by an amount equal to the essentia invested. Once the amount of essentia invested is chosen, it cannot be altered and remains invested for 24 hours.

Really Mystical (Ex): As the Pastamancer ability.

Elemental Saucephere (Su): At 12th level, the sauceror can conjure an Elemental Saucesphere. This works like Jalapeno Saucephere, except that it does not deal damage or provide damage reduction. Instead, it provides fire, cold, acid, electricity, and sonic resist 10.

Once per day, you can invest essentia into this class feature. The resistances increase by 5 times the essentia invested. Once the amount of essentia invested is chosen, it cannot be altered and remains invested for 24 hours.

Blood Sugar Sauce Magic (Su): At 13th level, when a Sauceror converts Hit Points into soulsauce, they gain two points of soulsauce for every Hit Dice converted instead of only one.

Curse of Weaksauce (Su): At 14th level, once per 5 minutes, a Sauceror can curse a target by drenching them in Weaksauce. To use this ability, the sauceror targets a creature within 60 feet. The target must make a Reflex save or be coated in Weaksauce. Being coated in Weaksauce provides a -4 penalty on attacks, saves, ability checks, skill checks, and weapon damage rolls for 5 minutes thereafter.

Once per day, you can invest essentia into this class feature. The penalty increases by an amount equal to the essentia invested. Once the amount of essentia invested is chosen, it cannot be altered and remains invested for 24 hours.

Saucegeyser (Su): At 16th level, 3 + Wis modifier times per day, a sauceror can cause an eruption of sauce from underneath an enemy. To use this ability, the sauceror targets a creature within 120 feet. The target succumbs to an eruption of sauce beneath them, which deals 1d6 damage per sauceror level. This damage is either hot or cold damage, whichever would be more effective. A successful Reflex save halves this damage. The eruption also affects all creatures within 15 feet. Creatures within the radius take 1d6 damage of the same energy type per two sauceror levels; a sucessful Reflex save halves this damage.

Once per day, you can invest essentia into this class feature. The radius of the saucegeyser's damage increases by 5' times the essentia invested. Once the amount of essentia invested is chosen, it cannot be altered and remains invested for 24 hours.

Diminshed Gag Reflex (Ex): At 17th level, the sauceror has worked with even the most pungent of sauces, including tongue-demolishing hot sauces and caustic vinegars. At this point, they put pure acid energy on their sandwiches for flavor. The sauceror becomes immune to acid damage.

Antibiotic Saucephere (Su): At 18th level, a sauceror can conjure an Antibiotic Saucesphere. This works like Jalapeno Saucesphere, except that it does not deal damage or provide damage reduction. Instead, it provides Fast Healing 3.

Once per day, you can invest essentia into this class feature. The Fast Healing increases by 3 times the essentia invested. Once the amount of essentia invested is chosen, it cannot be altered and remains invested for 24 hours.

Icy Glare (Ex): At 19th level, a Sauceror gains the Empower Supernatural Ability feat, except that this only applies to supernatural abilities that deal cold damage. If they already have the Empower Supernatural Ability feat, they may select a bonus feat that they qualify for.

Way of Sauce (Su): At 20th level, a Sauceror knows everything there is to know about saucery, and can make the finest sauce potions known. The Sauceror can now brew sauce potions affected by metamagic feats of up to a +2 spell slot adjustment, using the level of the spell slot of the spell in place of the spell's level to determine cost and whether or not they can brew the potion.

[Kazyan]

Disco Bandit

Disco Bandits grow up on the wrong side of the tracks, and instead of taking to self-destructive addictions, they raise themselves on dance. Oh, and stealing. Lots of stealing. Dance is the heart and soul of the disco bandit, a framing method for them to learn the ways of acquiring whatever they need from the world—and helping them wind down in the meantime.

GAME RULE INFORMATION
Disco Bandit's have the following game statistics.
Abilities: Disco Bandits depend on their “Moxie”, and due to their dirty-fighting nature, they benefit from Strength as well.
Alignment: Any nonlawful.
Hit Die: d8
Starting Age: As bard.
Starting Gold: As cleric.
Class Skills
The Disco Bandit's class skills (and the key ability for each skill) are Appraise (Int), Balance (Dex), Bluff (Cha), Climb (Str), Craft (Int),Decipher Script (Int), Diplomacy (Cha), Disable Device (Int), Disguise (Cha), Escape Artist (Dex), Forgery (Int), Gather Information(Cha), Hide (Dex), Intimidate (Cha), Jump (Str), Knowledge (local) (Int), Listen (Wis), Move Silently (Dex), Open Lock (Dex),Perform (Cha), Profession (Wis), Search (Int), Sense Motive (Wis), Sleight of Hand (Dex), Spot (Wis), Swim (Str), Tumble (Dex),Use Magic Device (Cha), and Use Rope (Dex).
Skill Points at First Level: (4 + Int modifier) x 4
Skill Points at Each Additional Level: 4 + Int modifier
CLASS NAME

Level	Base Attack Bonus	Fort Save	Ref Save	Will Save	Special
1st	+1	+0	+2	+0	Moxious, Flashing Lights, Sublime Disco
2nd	+2	+0	+3	+0	Suckerpunch (1st)
3rd	+3	+1	+3	+1	Disco Eye Poke (2nd)
4th	+4	+1	+4	+1	That's Not a Knife
5th	+5	+1	+4	+1	Ascension (Casual)
6th	+6/+1	+2	+5	+2	Disco Dance of Doom (3rd)
7th	+7/+2	+2	+5	+2	Very Moxious, Disco State of Mind
8th	+8/+3	+2	+6	+2	Advanced Cocktailcrating
9th	+9/+4	+3	+6	+3	Disco Dance II: Electric Boogalo (5th)
10th	+10/+5	+3	+7	+3	Ascension (Normal)
11th	+11/+6/+1	+3	+7	+3	Smooth Movement
12th	+12/+7/+2	+4	+8	+4	Disco Dance 3: Back in the Habit (6th)
13th	+13/+8/+3	+4	+8	+4	Disco Face Stab (7th)
14th	+14/+9/+4	+4	+9	+4	Really Moxious, Mad Looting Skillz
15th	+15/+10/+5	+5	+9	+5	Ascension (Hardcore)
16th	+16/+11/+6/+1	+5	+10	+5	Knife in the Dark (8th)
17th	+17/+12/+7/+2	+5	+10	+5	Heart of Polyester
18th	+18/+13/+8/+3	+6	+11	+6	Disco Shank (9th)
19th	+19/+14/+9/+4	+6	+11	+6	Frantic Gyrations
20th	+20/+15/+10/+5	+6	+12	+6	Ascension (Bad Moon), Superhuman Cocktailcrafting

Weapon and Armor Proficiencies: Disco Bandits are proficient with simple weapons, martial ranged weapons, and musical instruments used as improvised weapons. They are proficient with light armor and shields (but not tower shields).

Class Features
All of the following are class features of the Disco Bandit.

Moxious (Ex): A Disco Bandit can use their Dexterity modifier in place of their Charisma modifier and vice versa, for the purposes of skill checks and ability checks.

Flashing Lights (Sp): A Disco Bandit can use dancing lights and quickened dancing lights at will, bringing their own bit of disco to the world around them.

Sublime Disco (Ex): A Disco Bandit does not follow the Sublime Way, but the adaptive, rapidly-changing nature of the dance makes it similar in principles, much to the annoyance of actual initiators. A Disco Bandit has an initiator level equal to their class level. Further, various Disco Bandit abilities function like maneuvers--they can be identified with Martial Lore, have a maneuver level (listen in parenthesis in the above table next to the relevant skills), belong to their own discipline, etc.. The virtual discipline is referred to as "Disco Moves", with a key skill of Perform (Dance). Disco Moves cannot be learned with Martial Study. Disco Moves require standard actions to initiate unless otherwise noted.

A Disco Bandit has all of their maneuvers readied at the start of an encounter. They can use all of their Disco Moves as they wish, but every use expends the maneuver as normal. Once a Disco Bandit is out of Disco Moves for the encounter, they must resort to other tactics. Disco Moves are refreshed by 5 minutes of dancing, at which point they are all available for use again.

If a Disco Bandit takes levels in a true initiator class, their Disco Moves are separate from their other maneuvers.

If a Disco Bandit takes the Martial Study feat, that maneuver is available in the same way that other Disco Moves are, though it is not actually a Disco Move. For example, a 3rd level Disco Bandit with Martial Study (Steely Strike) can use Steely Strike, Disco Eye Poke, and Suckerpunch once each during an encounter.

Suckerpunch (Ex): As a Disco Move, the Disco Bandit can make an unarmed melee attack. If this deals damage, the target must make a Fortitude Save (DC 11 + Str modifier) or be sickened for 1 minute.

Disco Eye Poke (Ex): At 2nd level, as a Disco Move, the Disco Bandit can make an unarmed melee attack. If this deals damage, the target is dazzled for 1 minute.

That's Not a Knife (Ex): Sometimes you need a knife, but you don't have a knife, and you certainly aren't going to pay for a knife. At 3rd level, the Disco Bandit can spend 10 minutes in an urban area to acquire a knife somehow. This knife is a piece of sharpened junk and not worth anything on the open market, but in the Disco Bandit's hands, it is useful. An acquired knife has properties as a weapon as in the following table. Note that the knife is not actually magical; the disco bandit is just that good with it, so it does not bypass DR/magic and weapon augment crystals cannot be attached to a knife, even Least versions. The knife is junk, after all.

Disco Bandit Level	Knife Quality
1-4	Dagger
5-6	Masterwork dagger
7-8	+1 dagger
9-10	+2 dagger
11-12	+2 Disco Moves dagger
13-14	+3 Disco Moves dagger
15-16	+3 Keen Disco Moves dagger
17-18	+4 Keen Disco Moves dagger
19-20	+5 Keen Disco Moves dagger

Ascension (Su): As the Seal Clubber ability.

Disco Dance of Doom (Ex): As a Disco Move, the Disco Bandit can dance in a bewildering way. When doing so, they select one creature within 120 feet. That creature takes 1d6 + class level in nonlethal damage from sheer confusion, and must make a Will save (DC 13 + Cha) or be shaken for 1 minute.

Very Moxious (Ex): At 7th level, a Disco Bandit's Dexterity and Charisma become equal to whichever one is higher. Penalties, bonuses, damage and drain still apply individually.

Disco State of Mind (Ex): At 7th level, a Disco Bandit can build momentum when they bust Disco Moves. When the Disco Bandit uses a Disco Move, it deals additional damage equal to the Disco Bandit's class level × the number of previous Disco Moves performed during the encounter.

Advanced Cocktailcrafting (Ex): At 8th level, a Disco Bandit can create complex adult beverages, which allow an adventurer to fight for longer during the day. Disco Bandits can create beverages according to the following table. Crafting a beverage (or group of beverages at once) requires the listed amount of gold in materials, and grants a number of temporary hit points to the drinker equal to ten times the beverage quality. These temporary hit points last until the drinker rests for 8 hours. Alternatively, the drinker may regain a prepared spell or spell slot of level equal to or lower than the beverage quality, or regain a number of power points equal to twice the beverage quality.

A character can only benefit from one complex adult beverage per day. Classes of Loathing can benefit from two beverages, and Disco Bandits can benefit from a third.

Beverage Quality	Cost	Minimum Disco Bandit level required
1	20 gp	3
2	50 gp	5
3	100 gp	7
4	200 gp	9
5	500 gp	11
6	1000 gp	13
7	1500 gp	15
8	2000 gp	17
9	3000 gp	19

Disco Dance II: Electric Boogaloo (Ex): At 9th level, as a Disco Move, the Disco Bandit can do an advanced form of the Disco Dance of Doom. This works like Disco Dance of Doom, except that the save DC is 15 + Charisma modifier.

Smooth Movement (Su): At 11th level, the Disco Bandit can spend a full-round action to activate a silence effect on his person. This works like the Gloom's Quiescence ability, except that the Move Silently bonus is only +10. This ability can be suppressed as a full-round action.

Disco Dance 3: Back in the Habit (Ex): At 12th level, the Disco Bandit can use a modern version of the Disco Dance of Doom. The Disco Bandit must make an unarmed melee attack instead of simply targeting a creature within 120 feet. If this attack deals damage, the target takes an additional 6d6 + class level damage, and must make a Will save (DC 16 + Cha modifier) or be shaken and sickened for 1 round.

Disco Face Stab (Ex): At 13th level, as a Disco Move, the Disco Bandit can attack with a light piercing weapon that they are wielding. If this attack deals damage, the target is dazzled for 24 hours and blinded for 1 round.

Really Moxious (Ex): At 14th level, all bonuses to a Disco Bandit's Dexterity or Charisma apply to both scores. Bonuses of the same type still do not stack--so a pair of Gloves of Dexterity +4 and a Cloak of Charisma +2 do not result in a net +6 to Dexterity and Charisma when worn together.

Mad Looting Skillz (Ex): At 14th level, a Disco Bandit gains a +10 bonus to Search checks to check bodies or locations for loot. (This really doesn't need to be defined any more technically.)

Knife in the Dark (Ex): At 16th level, as Disco Move, a Disco Bandit can make an attack with a light piercing weapon against a creature that if a valid target for Sneak Attack damage, even if the Disco Bandit does not normally have Sneak Attack. If the attack hits, it deals Sneak Attack damage as a rogue of the Disco Bandit's level.

Heart of Polyester (Ex): At 17th level, the Disco Bandit has been shuffling around in vinyl pants near surfaces made of metal and static often enough that they become entirely immune to shocks. They gain immunity to electricity damage.

Disco Shank (Ex): At 18th level, as a Disco Move that requires a swift action, the Disco Bandit can draw any light piercing weapon on their person and make a melee attack with it. This attack's damage is multiplied by the Disco Bandit's Dexterity modifier. Apply this multiplication before the damage bonus from Disco State of Mind.

Frantic Gyrations (Ex): At 19th level, during an encounter, the Disco Bandit gains a dodge bonus to AC equal the number of Disco Moves they have used during the encounter.

Superhuman Cocktailcrafting (Ex): At 20th level, a Disco Bandit can mix the best adult beverages known to those who partake. A Disco Bandit's adult beverages now provide twenty times their beverage quality in temporary hit points. Alternatively, the drinker may regain two prepared spells or spell slot of level equal to or lower than the beverage quality, or regain a number of power points equal to four times the beverage quality. 

[Kazyan]

Accordion Thief

A much less physical side of music, accordion thieves channel the power of Loathing’s colorful collection of songs. Essentially, they are Loathing’s version of the common tavern bard, though they are less likely to be performing in front of an audience than rifling through their pockets. (Accordion music only pays well in certain high-profile cases.)

GAME RULE INFORMATION
Accordion Thieves have the following game statistics.
Abilities: Accordion Thieves live and die by their “Moxie”. As a skill-based support role, they also benefit from a high Intelligence.
Alignment: Any nonlawful.
Hit Die: d6
Starting Age: As bard.
Starting Gold: As cleric.
Class Skills
The Accordion Thief’s class skills (and the key ability for each skill) are Appraise (Int), Balance (Dex), Bluff (Cha), Climb (Str), Craft (Int), Decipher Script (Int), Concentration (Con), Diplomacy (Cha), Disable Device (Int), Disguise (Cha), Escape Artist (Dex), Forgery (Int), Gather Information (Cha), Hide (Dex), Intimidate (Cha), Jump (Str), Knowledge (all, chosen individually) (Int), Listen (Wis), Move Silently (Dex), Open Lock (Dex),Perform (Cha), Profession (Wis), Search (Int), Sense Motive (Wis), Sleight of Hand (Dex), Spot (Wis), Swim (Str), Tumble (Dex),Use Magic Device (Cha), and Use Rope (Dex).
Skill Points at First Level: (8 + Int modifier) x 4
Skill Points at Each Additional Level: 8 + Int modifier
CLASS NAME

Level	Base Attack Bonus	Fort Save	Ref Save	Will Save	Special
1st	+0	+0	+2	+2	Moxious, Pickpocket, Behold the Accordion!
2nd	+1	+0	+3	+3	Sing
3rd	+2	+1	+3	+3	The Moxious Madigral
4th	+3	+1	+4	+4	Dissonant Riff
5th	+3	+1	+4	+4	Ascension (Casual)
6th	+4	+2	+5	+5	Cadenza
7th	+5	+2	+5	+5	Very Moxious, Cletus’s Canticle of Celerity
8th	+6/+1	+2	+6	+6	Thief Among the Honorable
9th	+6/+1	+3	+6	+6	The Polka of Plenty
10th	+7/+2	+3	+7	+7	Ascension (Normal)
11th	+8/+3	+3	+7	+7	Symphony of Destruction
12th	+9/+4	+4	+8	+8	Concerto de los Muertos
13th	+9/+4	+4	+8	+8	Accordion Bash
14th	+10/+5	+4	+9	+9	Really Moxious, Anthem of Absorption
15th	+11/+6/+1	+5	+9	+9	Ascension (Hardcore)
16th	+12/+7/+2	+5	+10	+10	The Psalm of Pointiness
17th	+12/+7/+2	+5	+10	+10	Music Snob
18th	+13/+8/+3	+6	+11	+11	Aloysius’s Antiphon of Aptitude
19th	+14/+9/+4	+6	+11	+11	Cone of Zydeco
20th	+15/+10/+5	+6	+12	+12	Ascension (Bad Moon), Mariachi Memory

Class Features
All of the following are class features of the Accordion Thief.

Weapon and Armor Proficiencies: Accordion Thieves are proficient with simple weapons, martial ranged weapons, and accordions used as improvised weapons. They are proficient with light armor, but not with shields.

Moxious (Ex): As the Disco Bandit ability.

Pickpocket (Ex): Accordion Thieves gain a +4 bonus to Sleight of Hand checks to steal items from another's person.

Behold the Accordion! (Su): Accordion Thieves are not bards. However, they sing and play the accordion to improve others; the distinction isn't as meaningful as one would think. Accordion Thieves' songs count as bard songs, and follow all of the same mechanics. An Accordion Thief has a number of uses per day of their accordion music equal to their class level, like a bard. Also, they can qualify for and take feats that apply to bardic music, using their accordion music. Accordion music does not require concentration.

Accordion thieves begin play with a single wooden accordion. Replacement accordions are complicated instruments, costing 50 gp in addition to the costs of special materials, if any (see Cadenza).

Sing (Ex): At 2nd level, an Accordion Thief an expend a use of accordion music as a standard action to sing at a high pitch--the sort of pitch that can shatter glass. This mimics the effect of shatter, with a caster level equal to the Accordion Thief's class level. Alternatively, the Accordion Thief can deal damage to a target. To do this, the Accordion Thief must make a Perform (Sing) check, and if the result meets or exceeds the target's AC, they take damage equal to the difference between the check result and the target's AC (minimum 1 damage).

The Moxious Madigral (Su): At 3rd level, an Accordion Thief with 6 or more ranks in Perform (Accordion) can use accordion music to make their allies more suave. All allies that can hear the Moxious Madigral gain the benefit of the Accordion Thief's Moxious ability. Those who already have the Moxious ability are instead allowed to reroll a Dexterity- or Charisma- based check once per 5 rounds, and may take the result of either of the two rolls.

Dissonant Riff (Ex): At 4th level, at-will and as a full-round action, an Accordion Thief can play an ear-splittingly dissonant set of chords on an accordion they are holding. They may do this while playing accordion music. The Accordion Thief makes a Perform (Accordion) check, except that the only bonuses they benefit from are ranks, ability score modifier, and circumstance bonuses, since they're actively trying to be terrible. All enemies that can hear the dissonant riff take damage equal to the result of the check. A Will save, DC 10 + Accordion Thief level + Cha modifier, halves this.

Ascension (Su): As the Seal Clubber ability.

Cadenza (Ex): At 6th level, an Accordion Thief can change up their music to better fit their accordion. While playing accordion music, the Accordion Thief's allies gain other benefits depending on what material the accordion's exterior is composed of. An average accordion can be assumed to weigh 20 pounds, though only 5 pounds of material is necessary to make the accordion's exterior and gain the benefits of Cadenza for special materials.

Accordions cost 50 gp just for their construction, but making the exterior out of materials more expensive than wood requires additional costs.

Spoiler: Long Material Table

Show

Material	Additional Cost	Benefit	Music Snob (benefit gained at level 17)
Adamantine	1000 gp	DR 1/--; stacks with Anthem of Absorption	Increase to DR 3/--
Aurorum	4000 gp	Benefits of a Ring of Regeneration	No improvement
Baatorian Gren Steel	2000 gp	Increase crit range of attacks by 1 (does not stack with Improved Critical, Keen, etc..)	Increase crit range of attacks by 1 again (does not stack with Improved Critical, Keen, etc..)
Blended Quartz	2000 gp	+1 caster level (but not manifester level)	No improvement
Blue Ice	750 gp	+1/2 Accordion Thief level in slashing damage to weapon damage rolls (but not weapon-like spells)	No improvement
Bone	20 gp	+3 maximum HP	Further +3 maximum HP
Copper, Alchemical	750 gp	Cold resistance 5	Increase to cold resistance 30
Darkwood	350 gp	-1 to ACP	Further -1 to ACP
Deep Crystal	1000 gp	+1 manifester level (but not caster level)	No improvement
Dragonhide	600 gp	[Dragonblood] subtype	Type treated as Dragon. Do not modify Racial Hit Dice.
Entropium	750 gp	+2 morale bonus to Strength- and Dexterity-based skills	Protection from Law (caster level equal to Accordion Thief level)
Gold, Alchemical	1500 gp	Acid and fire resistance 5	Increase to acid and fire resistance 30
Iron, Cold	50 gp	Favored Enemy (Fey)	Extra instance of Favored Enemy (Fey)
Mithral	2500 gp	+10' morale bonus to land speed	Increases to +20' morale bonus to land speed
Mundane Crystal	10 gp	Allies’ weapons are treated as masterwork, if they are not already so.	No improvement
Obdurium	2000 gp	DR 3/--; does not stack with Anthem of Absorption.	Increaes to DR 5/--; still does not stack with Anthem of Absorption.
Pandemonic Silver	9000 gp	+6 morale bonus to Intimidate checks	Further +6 morale bonus to Intimidate checks
Pearlsteel	1500 gp	Affected as if by Freedom of Movement for the purposes of movement underwater (Pearlsteel accordions can be played underwater)	+30’ morale bonus to swim speed
Platinum, Alchemical	1500 gp	Electricity and sonic resistance 5	Increases to electricity and sonic resistance 30
Riverine	10000 gp	Allies’ equipment cannot be sundered	Allies’ magic items cannot be dispelled (but can still be disjoined)
Silver, Alchemical	90 gp	Allies’ weapons bypass Damage Reduction as if made of silver	No improvement
Steel	10 gp	Allies’ weapons are treated as masterwork, if they are not already so	No improvement
Wood	0 gp	No special effects	No special effects
Thinaun	10000 gp	Allies may choose to store their souls in the accordion if they die while hearing it, is if they were in contact with it	Any number of souls can be stored in the accordion, so long as it remains with the Accordion Thief

Very Moxious (Ex): As the Disco Bandit ability.

Cletus’s Canticle of Celerity (Su): At 8th level, an Accordion Thief with 11 or more ranks in Perform (Accordion) can use accordion music to make their allies more prone to getting the jump on enemies. All allies that can hear Cletus’s Canticle of Celerity gain a +2 morale bonus to Initiative checks.

Thief Among the Honorable (Ex): You just...enjoy stealing stuff. At 8th level, when using Sleight of Hand to steal an object from someone, it need not be particularly small; you can steal any object they carry so long as it is not well-secured (such as a locked gauntlet or armor) and you can lift it. The DC to do so increases by 10.

The Polka of Plenty (Su): At 9th level, an Accordion Thief with 13 or more ranks in Perform (Accordion) can use accordion music to make their allies even more loot-hungry. All allies that can hear The Polka of Plenty gain the benefit of the treasurescent spell.

Symphony of Destruction (Su): At 11th level, an Accordion Thief with 14 or more ranks in Perform (Accordion) can use accordion music to make their allies smash-happy. All allies that can hear the Symphony of Destruction deal additional Hit Point damage with every attack or damaging spell equal to the Accordion Thief's ranks in Preform (Accordion).

Concerto de los Muertos (Su): At 12th level, an Accordion Thief with 15 or more ranks in Perform (Accordion) can use accordion music to unnerve anyone who hears it. Enemies who hear the Concerto de los Muertos, if ever subjected to a fear effect, escalate the intensity of the fear effect for one round. So, a shaken enemy is frightened for one round, and a frightened enemy is panicked for one round.

Accordion Bash (Su): Turns out accordions are pretty heavy. At 13th level, an accordion thief can bash an opponent with their accordion as an attack. They are treated as armed with the accordion; it is in all respects a weapon in the Accordion Theif's hands, and the Accordion Thief is proficient with it. Accordions are ordinarily improvised weapons.

Improvised Two-Handed	Cost	Damage (S)	Damage (M)	Critical	Range	Weight	Type
Accordion	50 gp	1d6	1d8	x2	Melee	20 lb.	Bludgeoning

Really Moxious (Ex): As the Disco Bandit ability.

Anthem of Absorption (Su): At 14th level, an Accordion Thief with 17 or more ranks in Perform (Accordion) can use accordion music to make their allies resilient. Allies who hear the Anthem of Absorption gain DR/-- equal to 1/2 the Accordion Thief's class level.

The Psalm of Pointiness (Su): At 16th level, an Accordion Thief with 19 or more ranks in Perform (Accordion) can use accordion music to punish those who attack their allies. Allies who hear The Psalm of Pointiness gain the benefits of the Combat Reflexes feat, except that they use the Accordion Thief's Dexterity score in place of their own for the purposes of how many attacks of opportunity they are allowed. Allies that already have the Combat Reflexes Feat instead gain benefits of the Robilar's Gambit feat.

Music Snob (Ex): Advanced Accordion Thieves only care about the high-quality chords of an accordion, not angry plebian noises. The Accordion Thief becomes immune to sonic damage. In addition, certain bonuses from Cadenza improve; see the Cadenza table.

Aloysius’s Antiphon of Aptitude (Su): At 18th level, an Accordion Thief with 21 or more ranks in Perform (Accordion) can use accordion music to make their allies more universally competent. Allies who hear Aloysius’s Antiphon of Aptitude gain a +2 competence bonus to their Base Attack Bonus, caster level, and skill checks.

Cone of Zydeco (Su): Once per day at 19th level, while playing accordion music (magical or otherwise), an Accordion Thief can unleash a whirling cone of music. All targets within the cone take 1d6 sonic damage per accordion thief level and be swept to anywhere within the cone that the accordion thief chooses--even somewhere in midair--as if by a bull rush. A successful Reflex save, DC 10 + 1/2 Accordion Thief level + Charisma modifier, halves the damage and the distance moved.

Mariachi Memory (Su): At 20th level, an Accordion Thief can hold accordion music in their heads. As a swift action, they can "play" any accordion music they know in their head, gaining the benefits of that music. They can only have one instance of accordion music stuck in their head at once; using this ability again changes the song (or removes it, if the Accordion Thief wishes). The Accordion Thief can still play music on their accordion as normal, gaining the benefits of that song as well--unless it is the same song that is stuck in their heads.

[Kazyan]

Reserved

That should be all six of them. The one I'm most unsure about is the Sauceror; a lot of it doesn't seem to work quite right. You guys can tear the adaptations apart now.

[Debihuman]

While this is not the first time I've seen Kingdom of Loathing converted to 3.5, this is the most complete conversion that I've seen.

Alas, I am not really familiar with the source material and I'm not competent at critiquing base classes for balance and/or power. That said, I like these a lot. I hope someone who's more experienced with this can do it justice.

Debby