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  1. - Top - End - #331
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    ClericGuy

    Join Date
    Sep 2014

    Default Re: What was your worst DM ever? This thread is impervious - roll to disbelieve!

    My worst DM ever...also worst session ever...

    The DM wasn't a bad guy, as a player. A bit of a min/maxer back in 3.5. He wanted to run a campaign, not the first time he had so I agree. We all meet up at his house Saturday morning. I have my character all ready, using the rules he'd set out for previous campaigns: any books and supplements can be used. I have an Elf using some elven sword that's DEX based. Basic fighter with Elven feats, planning to go Paladin to fit the character idea I had.
    I arrive at his apartment and everyone else is there (DM, and 2 other friends). Of course they were there since last night drinking, so all 3 are hung over. It's 10am, we usually play until 2 because I have a family and can't spend the day gaming. So we all go into his gaming room and sit down. One guy decides he needs coffee, so he goes out to get coffee. I hand the DM my character sheet. Bleary eyed he looks at it, "yeah looks good". Other friend there hasn't made a character yet, so he starts making one.

    11am, coffee friend shows back up, oh he hasn't made a character either.

    Noon. Characters are done, finally ready to play.

    Starts out the DM's describing the scene, brings in the characters. There's a Gnome and a Halfling. I describe my Elf.
    DM: "Wait you're an Elf? I hate Elves, there are no elves in my world"
    Me: "You looked at my sheet, why didn't you tell me then, I could have made a new one instead of sit here"
    DM: "Ok fine, you're one of the last Elves, but you'll never find another Elf. All the Elves are dying."
    Me: "Ok fine...and I have this elegant sword..." I describe the elven sword and how it works
    DM" "That's not in the players handbook. I wanted only players handbook stuff for this one. We decided that last night."
    Me: "But I wasn't here last night. Why didn't you tell me when you looked at my sheet, it's written on there."
    DM: "I didn't really look at it. Just take it off and anything else you took from any other books. Or just make a new character, but not an Elf."

    I proceed to do just erase things from my sheet. So now I'm fairly not-optimized for anything. A religious fighter Elf with high dex. Skills in Elven knowledge, history and religion...that now don't exist in the world. I could have gone through the books and made a better character then, but I was getting pissed and we wouldn't play at all if I started that now.

    Characters all meet up and decide to travel to a town together, safety in numbers and all.
    First encounter, 3 level 1 characters...an Imp attacks us on the road. No mages by the way. The Gnome and Halfling are rogues. So we can't see it, it's invisible. We can't hit it, it's got good AC for shooting blind, and we get down to a couple hit points.
    The DM gets mad because we can't beat a simple encounter. So the Imp just goes away. He blames my fighter that he can't hit anything and I'm not optimized for a fighter. And that I should just make a whole new character because we're not going to get anywhere with a small party if I can't pull my own weight. And the imp was going to be the reason we all go on a quest together and that's all ruined.

    The DM says he needs a few minutes to think up something new. So he gets up and goes into the bathroom. 20 minutes later he comes back in, trailing the scent of raw sewage. He'd emptied his bowels of the previous nights beer and who knows what else and left the bathroom door open "to air out the bathroom". He then begins to go on about how he doesn't use air freshener because it smells bad. But smelling his own crap evidently doesn't in his mind.

    1pm
    I'm fed up. I've been there 3 hours and we've gamed for about 20 minutes where I've been told the character I made was terrible and I've ruined the campaign. I just excuse myself, get my things and leave.

    I never gamed with that group again. I also have far less patience for people wasting my time.

  2. - Top - End - #332
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Zombie

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    May 2014
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    Taiwan
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    Default Re: What was your worst DM ever? This thread is impervious - roll to disbelieve!

    Quote Originally Posted by Raptor_00 View Post
    I never gamed with that group again. I also have far less patience for people wasting my time.
    You have learned all we can teach you here, young padawan. Go forth now, new Jedi.
    My D&D 3.5 Campaign: www.DarkHaunt.net ...About a group of ghosts surviving in Victorian Rome.

  3. - Top - End - #333
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

    Join Date
    Oct 2014

    Default Worst GM

    It's kind of funny, I thought I had the worst GM ever, until I got the next GM. Now it's kind of a tossup. I'm leaning towards Eric...what the hell, how about I complain about both, and anyone who cares can vote on who sucked the most? Warning, I get long winded about these topics, I'll try to keep it short.

    Spoiler: Glen.
    Show
    In college we agreed to alternate weeks between Glen and Trevor. Trevor's campaign wasn't great, but we could stand it, Glen's was ****, and he bullied Trevor into giving up his turn every week.

    So we started out the game as escaped slaves coming out of Drow mines with a DMPC dual saber wielding drow who helped us escape. I ran a sorcerer and my GF ran a psion. We were all level 3 and just traveling through the caves, we climbed one wall. Well, everyone climbed it but my girlfriend, who no matter how well she rolled he declared she failed to climb the wall.

    So we randomly find a huge pile of treasure in the middle of nowhere and suddenly a beholder jumps us. About four rounds of not being able to climb the stupid goddamn wall my GF walks out to spend time with her friends...clever girl. Eventually we beat the stupid beholder and jump to level 6. He also rolled randomly for treasure and one PC ended up getting a +5 short sword that dealt extra lightning, damage, frost, and instantly killed demons on critical hits.

    Soon we started meeting the DM's "Amazing NPC's" We would actually mock him behind his back because every one of them had eyes "as blue as the ocean" and would respond to almost anything by stroking their chin and saying "Hmmmmm" in a thoughtful voice. Oh! And all of his female characters were "the most beautiful woman you've ever seen." Oh, they were also ubergods, some of them literally. Most of our sessions consisted of us sitting around listening to the GM's extremely long cutscenes, followed by a battle. We were dragged through internal politics of multiple realms and the entire game became focused on his one friend who had an evil tatoo taking over the nine levels of hell. It was on rails, HARD. I can't tell you how we did it, I missed the one session where we jumped from level 14 or so to level 26 or so.

    These battles were dealt with by the DM's DMPC's fighting with casual grace, one of them was poking enemies to death because as strong as they were, drawing his weapon to deal with them was beneath him. All his creatures had really high spell resistance, and usually fire resistance, which happened to be my character's bread and butter. Oh, and "Caster level" to him used the highest level spell the character could use, not the level of the caster. So at the end our level 26 characters had a caster level of 9. The melee fighters basically did all the work the DMPC's didn't. One time my GF decided she wanted to use an AoE.

    GF: Ok, I want to use this lightning burst thing, but I need to know if I'll hurt all my friends if I do.
    Glen: No, you won't hurt all your friends.
    GF: Okay, I use it.
    Glen: Okay, you guys take...30 damage, reflex saves for half.
    GF: You said I wouldn't hurt them!
    Glen: You didn't hurt all of your friends, Trevor was out of range.

    Yeah...yeah. Oh, and in case you're wondering, all my out of combat spells went about as well. You know how I said fire was my specialty? We came to these ruins where the ground was covered in snow. I tried to melt the snow with my fire. But I couldn't...it's magic snow. The snow couldn't melt, because it was magic. Luckily Trevor managed to find the trapdoor hidden beneath the snow, he's so clever.

    Oh! Almost forgot, he had a thing for nose bleeds. I got an amulet that let me read minds. The only people we interacted with were his DMPC's and any time I tried to read their mind my nose would start bleeding. My GF tried to scry for one once and he but her in a coma...and gave her a nosebleed. In the end it all led up to the crowning moment where we threw down with the archon who guards the gates of heaven or some crap. My GF overcame his spell resistance even with the 16 level penalty for not understanding caster rules, the guy rolled a 1 on his will save, and she forcibly switched minds with him. My GF pulled off an impossible move and stole the body of one of the most powerful creatures in this universe. What was his response? He immediately turned to Trevor and asked him how he'd finish off the archon's new body in great detail and take over the nine levels of hell. What a waste of my goddamn time. He was worse as as a player, but that's not what we're here for so I'll leave it at that.


    Spoiler: Eric
    Show

    So, for years I didn't have very good GM's but I never held it against them, they just weren't for me. Glen was still the worst of the bunch. Then I met Eric, the single worst D&D player I have EVER met. But this isn't about him as a player, so let's get to his game.

    I came into this game with a friend of mine. We were playing brothers, I was Brass, and he was Bronze. We player two separate archetypes of bards and were exiled nobles hiding from assassins and working as traveling musicians while we hunted down our parent's killers (Entirely flavor for us, has nothing to do with the game) The other players were two goblins, and a ranger who lived in the forest.

    So we started our first session with the five of us standing in the court of the king. He told us the necronomicon had been stolen and we were tasked with finding the book and destroying it. If we didn't, the entire world was doomed. This didn't go well.

    Me: "My lord! Don't we have some sort of army who can get this book?"
    King: "No, you do it. God said so."
    Me: "We are mere musicians, and they are goblins. I think anyone with military training would be better suited for the task!"
    King: "We can't. all our soldiers are busy."
    Me: "Really? Every soldier is busy? All of them?"
    King: "Yes, they're all busy, go get the book!"
    Me: "Well...if we pull of this impossible task, will we be rewarded in some way?"
    King: "We'll figure it out later, for now, go get the book."
    Me: "Very well sire, what magical equipment can you give us to aid us in our quest?"
    King: "No, just go get the book!"
    Me: "You are the king of this land, and surely the retrieval of a book that can end the world is of top priority. Surely you want to do everything you can for-"
    King: "DAMN IT NEO, STOP STALLING AND GO GET THE STUPID BOOK!"

    So we leave and start heading north, cause that's where the book is. Along the way we bump into three invincible awesome characters who are super strong and have lots of magical items. They agree to accompany us. So next we come to a town, as we walk through we find out that the town is filled with demons that are so strong they can almost kill me in a single hit. I run. The platemail wearing, rifle toting, beautiful vampire chick insists I get back there and fight. Then she threatens to shoot me in the back. I keep running. After the fight where the three superstars take out all the demons she chases me down, handcuffs me, and drags me back to the plot.

    Oh, by the way, we played over the internet, and all dice were rolled on the honour system. His friend rolled criticals...a lot.

    For brevity's sake I will skip some things. I stopped trying to play a character in the first session. I ended up abducting children and selling them to demons, blah blah blah, nothing I did EVER dissuaded anything from happening. Essentially I ended up being a glorified messenger the whole game, where my role was to get information and bring it to the DMPC's who could go deal with the problem for me. There were two goddesses in the world, one who was good and one who was evil. If I did anything the GM didn't like the good goddess would show up and torture me until I agreed to do whatever I was supposed to.

    Near the end of his first arc there was a cave that the bad guy was in, guarded by twenty zombies with rifles. I cast invisibility and tried to sneak in. There's an anti-magic field that stops my invisibility. The zombies, who are sentient and speak common tell me to get lost. Eventually we figure we just have to go in guns blazing because he stops every other approach. The two of us go in with our shields, we got a bunch of stacked bonuses for when we do things next to eachother, one of them let us have AC bonuses when shielding eachother. The rifles go off as we drop into full defense and they unload everything into us, I take one hit, and it's not for much. They're reloading and we swoop in, for the first time in ten sessions we're excited. Their firing lines get decimated as Bronze great cleaves through several zombies. Then the DM's cleric uses an AOE that kills all the zombies.

    More of this crap happened, and by the time we found the big bad, who was also in an anti magic superfield, I dropped a lighter on his gunpowder room and turned the goddamn mountain into rubble. THE GOD OF GOOD PULLS US ALL BACK FROM THE DEAD AND LETS US COME BACK IN NEW BODIES AS A REWARD FOR FINISHING HER HOLY MISSION. Oh, and one more thing? HERE'S ANOTHER GODDAMN HOLY MISSION, DO IT NOW OR I'LL TORTURE YOU SOME MORE.

    I can back as a 13 year old girl named Sapphire. I was a rogue and I put every point of everything into non-combat skills. My highest stat was charisma, My bluff, stealth, and disguise were literally as high as they could possibly get at that level, I could even roll bluff twice and take the better of the two rolls. Oh, and I blew my items budget on a suit with it's own atmosphere and a flying broom. Also I took unarmed combat so I could suckerpunch people. I didn't care anymore! I wanted to do something damn it!

    The rest of it was terrible. One time I killed a child by dealing nonlethal damage somehow, but I only had hope of enjoying it one time after that. Our ship was under attack by pirates. I used my suit to live underwater, I used my broom to fire me like a torpedo at their boat. I came up on the opposite side and hid. I memorized what the captain looked like and his voice. I snuch into his cabin, stole all his stuff, and started going through his closets do disguise myself as him. I would bluff my way to the powder room and set a charge. For once, FOR ONCE, I would be the GODDAMN HERO, ME! But in the middle of the pitched battle on the high seas the captain decided to come into his room, I pull the little girl act, then try to suckerpunch him, but he blocks, CAUSE HE'S A HIGH LEVEL MONK! You want to know why he checked his room at that moment? NO REASON! Because we left the room after that without him doing anything. I GUESS HIS PLOT SENSE MONL POWERS TOLD HIM GODDAMNIT I HATED THAT FREAKING GAME!


    So...*Shrug* I guess Eric?

  4. - Top - End - #334
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

    Join Date
    Jul 2013
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    Male

    Default Re: Worst GM

    Quote Originally Posted by NeoNagasaki View Post
    It's kind of funny, I thought I had the worst GM ever, until I got the next GM. Now it's kind of a tossup. I'm leaning towards Eric...what the hell, how about I complain about both, and anyone who cares can vote on who sucked the most? Warning, I get long winded about these topics, I'll try to keep it short.

    Spoiler: Glen.
    Show
    In college we agreed to alternate weeks between Glen and Trevor. Trevor's campaign wasn't great, but we could stand it, Glen's was ****, and he bullied Trevor into giving up his turn every week.

    So we started out the game as escaped slaves coming out of Drow mines with a DMPC dual saber wielding drow who helped us escape. I ran a sorcerer and my GF ran a psion. We were all level 3 and just traveling through the caves, we climbed one wall. Well, everyone climbed it but my girlfriend, who no matter how well she rolled he declared she failed to climb the wall.

    So we randomly find a huge pile of treasure in the middle of nowhere and suddenly a beholder jumps us. About four rounds of not being able to climb the stupid goddamn wall my GF walks out to spend time with her friends...clever girl. Eventually we beat the stupid beholder and jump to level 6. He also rolled randomly for treasure and one PC ended up getting a +5 short sword that dealt extra lightning, damage, frost, and instantly killed demons on critical hits.

    Soon we started meeting the DM's "Amazing NPC's" We would actually mock him behind his back because every one of them had eyes "as blue as the ocean" and would respond to almost anything by stroking their chin and saying "Hmmmmm" in a thoughtful voice. Oh! And all of his female characters were "the most beautiful woman you've ever seen." Oh, they were also ubergods, some of them literally. Most of our sessions consisted of us sitting around listening to the GM's extremely long cutscenes, followed by a battle. We were dragged through internal politics of multiple realms and the entire game became focused on his one friend who had an evil tatoo taking over the nine levels of hell. It was on rails, HARD. I can't tell you how we did it, I missed the one session where we jumped from level 14 or so to level 26 or so.

    These battles were dealt with by the DM's DMPC's fighting with casual grace, one of them was poking enemies to death because as strong as they were, drawing his weapon to deal with them was beneath him. All his creatures had really high spell resistance, and usually fire resistance, which happened to be my character's bread and butter. Oh, and "Caster level" to him used the highest level spell the character could use, not the level of the caster. So at the end our level 26 characters had a caster level of 9. The melee fighters basically did all the work the DMPC's didn't. One time my GF decided she wanted to use an AoE.

    GF: Ok, I want to use this lightning burst thing, but I need to know if I'll hurt all my friends if I do.
    Glen: No, you won't hurt all your friends.
    GF: Okay, I use it.
    Glen: Okay, you guys take...30 damage, reflex saves for half.
    GF: You said I wouldn't hurt them!
    Glen: You didn't hurt all of your friends, Trevor was out of range.

    Yeah...yeah. Oh, and in case you're wondering, all my out of combat spells went about as well. You know how I said fire was my specialty? We came to these ruins where the ground was covered in snow. I tried to melt the snow with my fire. But I couldn't...it's magic snow. The snow couldn't melt, because it was magic. Luckily Trevor managed to find the trapdoor hidden beneath the snow, he's so clever.

    Oh! Almost forgot, he had a thing for nose bleeds. I got an amulet that let me read minds. The only people we interacted with were his DMPC's and any time I tried to read their mind my nose would start bleeding. My GF tried to scry for one once and he but her in a coma...and gave her a nosebleed. In the end it all led up to the crowning moment where we threw down with the archon who guards the gates of heaven or some crap. My GF overcame his spell resistance even with the 16 level penalty for not understanding caster rules, the guy rolled a 1 on his will save, and she forcibly switched minds with him. My GF pulled off an impossible move and stole the body of one of the most powerful creatures in this universe. What was his response? He immediately turned to Trevor and asked him how he'd finish off the archon's new body in great detail and take over the nine levels of hell. What a waste of my goddamn time. He was worse as as a player, but that's not what we're here for so I'll leave it at that.


    Spoiler: Eric
    Show

    So, for years I didn't have very good GM's but I never held it against them, they just weren't for me. Glen was still the worst of the bunch. Then I met Eric, the single worst D&D player I have EVER met. But this isn't about him as a player, so let's get to his game.

    I came into this game with a friend of mine. We were playing brothers, I was Brass, and he was Bronze. We player two separate archetypes of bards and were exiled nobles hiding from assassins and working as traveling musicians while we hunted down our parent's killers (Entirely flavor for us, has nothing to do with the game) The other players were two goblins, and a ranger who lived in the forest.

    So we started our first session with the five of us standing in the court of the king. He told us the necronomicon had been stolen and we were tasked with finding the book and destroying it. If we didn't, the entire world was doomed. This didn't go well.

    Me: "My lord! Don't we have some sort of army who can get this book?"
    King: "No, you do it. God said so."
    Me: "We are mere musicians, and they are goblins. I think anyone with military training would be better suited for the task!"
    King: "We can't. all our soldiers are busy."
    Me: "Really? Every soldier is busy? All of them?"
    King: "Yes, they're all busy, go get the book!"
    Me: "Well...if we pull of this impossible task, will we be rewarded in some way?"
    King: "We'll figure it out later, for now, go get the book."
    Me: "Very well sire, what magical equipment can you give us to aid us in our quest?"
    King: "No, just go get the book!"
    Me: "You are the king of this land, and surely the retrieval of a book that can end the world is of top priority. Surely you want to do everything you can for-"
    King: "DAMN IT NEO, STOP STALLING AND GO GET THE STUPID BOOK!"

    So we leave and start heading north, cause that's where the book is. Along the way we bump into three invincible awesome characters who are super strong and have lots of magical items. They agree to accompany us. So next we come to a town, as we walk through we find out that the town is filled with demons that are so strong they can almost kill me in a single hit. I run. The platemail wearing, rifle toting, beautiful vampire chick insists I get back there and fight. Then she threatens to shoot me in the back. I keep running. After the fight where the three superstars take out all the demons she chases me down, handcuffs me, and drags me back to the plot.

    Oh, by the way, we played over the internet, and all dice were rolled on the honour system. His friend rolled criticals...a lot.

    For brevity's sake I will skip some things. I stopped trying to play a character in the first session. I ended up abducting children and selling them to demons, blah blah blah, nothing I did EVER dissuaded anything from happening. Essentially I ended up being a glorified messenger the whole game, where my role was to get information and bring it to the DMPC's who could go deal with the problem for me. There were two goddesses in the world, one who was good and one who was evil. If I did anything the GM didn't like the good goddess would show up and torture me until I agreed to do whatever I was supposed to.

    Near the end of his first arc there was a cave that the bad guy was in, guarded by twenty zombies with rifles. I cast invisibility and tried to sneak in. There's an anti-magic field that stops my invisibility. The zombies, who are sentient and speak common tell me to get lost. Eventually we figure we just have to go in guns blazing because he stops every other approach. The two of us go in with our shields, we got a bunch of stacked bonuses for when we do things next to eachother, one of them let us have AC bonuses when shielding eachother. The rifles go off as we drop into full defense and they unload everything into us, I take one hit, and it's not for much. They're reloading and we swoop in, for the first time in ten sessions we're excited. Their firing lines get decimated as Bronze great cleaves through several zombies. Then the DM's cleric uses an AOE that kills all the zombies.

    More of this crap happened, and by the time we found the big bad, who was also in an anti magic superfield, I dropped a lighter on his gunpowder room and turned the goddamn mountain into rubble. THE GOD OF GOOD PULLS US ALL BACK FROM THE DEAD AND LETS US COME BACK IN NEW BODIES AS A REWARD FOR FINISHING HER HOLY MISSION. Oh, and one more thing? HERE'S ANOTHER GODDAMN HOLY MISSION, DO IT NOW OR I'LL TORTURE YOU SOME MORE.

    I can back as a 13 year old girl named Sapphire. I was a rogue and I put every point of everything into non-combat skills. My highest stat was charisma, My bluff, stealth, and disguise were literally as high as they could possibly get at that level, I could even roll bluff twice and take the better of the two rolls. Oh, and I blew my items budget on a suit with it's own atmosphere and a flying broom. Also I took unarmed combat so I could suckerpunch people. I didn't care anymore! I wanted to do something damn it!

    The rest of it was terrible. One time I killed a child by dealing nonlethal damage somehow, but I only had hope of enjoying it one time after that. Our ship was under attack by pirates. I used my suit to live underwater, I used my broom to fire me like a torpedo at their boat. I came up on the opposite side and hid. I memorized what the captain looked like and his voice. I snuch into his cabin, stole all his stuff, and started going through his closets do disguise myself as him. I would bluff my way to the powder room and set a charge. For once, FOR ONCE, I would be the GODDAMN HERO, ME! But in the middle of the pitched battle on the high seas the captain decided to come into his room, I pull the little girl act, then try to suckerpunch him, but he blocks, CAUSE HE'S A HIGH LEVEL MONK! You want to know why he checked his room at that moment? NO REASON! Because we left the room after that without him doing anything. I GUESS HIS PLOT SENSE MONL POWERS TOLD HIM GODDAMNIT I HATED THAT FREAKING GAME!


    So...*Shrug* I guess Eric?
    They were both terribly.

    That second story? I would've had the pirate crew convinced you were the Captain and had them turn on the original. Because funny.
    See my Extended Signature for my list of silly shenanigans.

    Anyone is welcome to use or critique my 3.5 Fighter homebrew: The Vanguard.

    I am a Dungeon Master for Hire that creates custom content for people and programs d20 content for the HeroLab character system. Please donate to my Patreon and visit the HeroLab forums.

  5. - Top - End - #335
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    OldWizardGuy

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    Default Re: What was your worst DM ever? This thread is impervious - roll to disbelieve!

    A warning about this story: The GM was pretty terrible, but we were kind of jerks in reaction to it. Blame gets spread around evenly in this story, we were all monsters. But some of us were more entertaining monsters, so those will be presented as the heroes.

    Spoiler
    Show
    My brother and I had taken turns for years being GM for our circle of friends, and we were looking to actually be players in the same game for once. So we signed up for some D&D at the FLGS.

    Turns out, the GM was quite a bit younger than us, and pretty inexperienced. But his campaign sounded interesting, so we went in expecting things to be kind of sloppy, no problem. We're Story-oriented more than System-oriented players, so if his grasp of the rules sucked, we were prepared to just roll with it.

    Party consisted of:
    - Klart the Kobold Sorcerer, fast-talking acolyte of the Secret Apocryphal Dragon God who didn't actually exist, whose Cult he was trying to establish purely for financial gain, played by me.
    - Halfling Paladin, who was in love with a human noblewoman and took his paladin oaths to prove to her that he was a worthy suitor, played by my brother.
    - Goblin thief/demolitions guy, whose player vanished after that session and we never saw again, which was a shame, because he was hilarious. We still lament the loss of Goblin Guy years later.
    - Generic Dwarf Fighter A, played by a guy whose only trait I can recall is an odor that was oppressive even by comic shop standards.
    - Generic Dwarf Fighter B, played by the guy who insisted he had sold his homebrew Star Trek RPG to Paramount and was just waiting for his lawyers to finish some things before the check came in and he could stop living in his van (he'll get his own awful DM story later).
    - Mysterious cloaked stranger with butterfly wings and Charisma 24, played by the GM's girlfriend.

    So we start out in a bar, which we are told is also the major hub for the local Adventurer's Guild. We are given no other information about the city. When we ask, we're told "you know, city... buildings... people in the buildings... magic weapon shop. City." But it's cool, we don't want to be jerks, he's a brand new GM. We figure we can help draw details out of him later without being aggressive about it. He's not forthcoming with any other details though, so we just start brainstorming among ourselves why we're here and what we might get up to.

    My brother and I, and Goblin Guy, decide that we already know each other from the "Size Category: Small" luncheon at the Adventurer's Guild. Generic Dwarf B gets mad because we've crafted our extremely silly backstory without including him. I suggest that maybe his Dwarf was our first client, as a registered group of Small Adventurers? Or perhaps we did a job where Team Small Humanoids was matched by the guild with Team Identical Dwarves? He's upset now that I suggested that Dwarf B and Dwarf A are the same, until Goblin Guy points out that they actually appear to have literally identical stats listed on their sheets. But Dwarf A uses a Battle Axe and Shield, while Dwarf B uses a Battle Axe and Mace. Generic Dwarf B is now visibly angry, getting red in the face, but Generic Dwarf A is oblivious to it, and suggests that maybe they're actually twins?

    The GM decides it's time to intervene. "You all take 4 points of damage."

    What? From what source? Are we under attack? Is it magic?

    "No, it's just 'wasting time' damage. Better start doing something quick, if you don't want more."

    Obviously, I don't want more, because Klart the Kobold is now at 1 HP. So I declare helpfully that Klart is looking around to see if there are any obvious-looking sources of quests. Shady guys drinking alone, watching us thoughtfully. Bulletin boards with general "PLEASE KILL THESE RATS IN MY BASEMENT" requests. Whatever. He tells me that, no, we are the only ones inside the bar. I say that I'd like to go outside of the bar then, and Goblin Guy says he follows me. Generic Dwarf A interprets this to mean that there's no bartender, so he stays at the bar and starts trying to drink everything, which is a wholly appropriate plan of action for a Generic Dwarf. The GM gets a pained look on his face, and starts flashing sign language at his girlfriend (who has said nothing so far). Neither of them are hearing impaired, they just learned ASL so they could talk behind teacher's backs in school. Then he says "No, you can't leave. Please, don't split up the party. Just... just don't."

    My brother and I look at each other and shrug. I declare that Klart is suddenly very interested in these human beverages as well, and he is joining Generic Dwarf A to drink. My brother's halfling attempts to rally everyone to go outside and see if there's anything to do... outside, but rolls poorly on his motivating speech. Dwarf B is still seething, but hasn't said anything since receiving his 4 points of Mercurial Fiat damage. But he pipes up now to stonewall the Halfling's attempt to get the party moving as a unit, declares that he's not going anywhere, and starts rambling about his deep backstory that makes him totally unlike any other dwarf. But it's apparent that he either doesn't remember it correctly, or hes making it all up on the spot, because it's complete nonsense, and he keeps having to backtrack to revise it.

    Through all of this, GM and GM's girlfriend have been signing at each other and ignoring us. We are extremely limited in our ability to make things happen ourselves, but he's not providing any action at all either. His worldbuilding so far has been limited to:
    - You are all in a bar.
    - That bar is in a city.
    - There is apparently a Magic Weapons Shop somewhere.
    - You take 4 damage.
    - No one else is in the bar.

    But if another similarly-sized burst of Angry GM Damage flashes through the bar, Goblin Guy and I are dead, which is unforgivable, because our characters are clearly amazing (to us at least), and deserve to shine.

    So Goblin Guy looks at the options, and decides to pick Mysterious Butterfly-Winged Stranger's pockets. Might as well go out with style. GM's girlfriend is now frantically signing at the GM. But, again, hasn't said one word since we sat down at the table, while she was quite the chatterbox before. Goblin Guy's pickpocket bonus is insane, and he rolls well on top of it, but the GM tells him that the mysterious stranger has nothing in her pockets.

    "But she does, in fact, have pockets?" says Goblin Guy.

    "Yes!" says GM's girlfriend emphatically, breaking her vow of silence at last.

    "Good. I plant an Alchemist's Flask with a lit fuse." says Goblin Guy, who deserves to have statues built of him.

    The DM stares at him blankly. My brother suggests that maybe Butterfly Winged Girl should roll Spot vs. Goblin Guy's Sleight of Hand? In fact, maybe everyone should roll spot, because... well... all apologies to Goblin Guy, but Halfling Paladin would probably object to that sort of thing, if he saw it. GM shrugs and goes "whatever", and we all roll Spot checks.

    Only Klart succeeds, and responds by kicking over a table and ducking behind it.

    The flask bursts, Butterfly Winged Girl's cloak is blasted off, and she describes in excruciating detail that she's dressed with the extravagance of royal wealth below. And she's immune to fire, the GM angrily declares.

    Generic Dwarf A tentatively asks "Are you some kind of queen?"

    "YES!" declares butterfly wing girl. "I AM THE QUEEN OF THIS CITY, AND YOU WILL ALL BE EXECUTED AS ASSASSINS! GUARDS!!"

    The bewildered GM looks as blindsided by this as the rest of us, but declares that guards start pouring into the bar and arrest us all, and throw us all in jail. No rolls needed.

    At this point, I should specify, about an hour and a half has gone by. My brother and I have texted each other indicating that 1.) we aren't trying to be helpful pals to the new GM any more, and 2.) we haven't got anything better to do, so why not be as obnoxious as possible until it kills us. Goblin Guy has shown us the way.

    So Halfling Paladin and Generic Dwarf A are in one jail cell, Klart the Kobold and Generic Dwarf B are in another cell, and Goblin Guy is chained up, hanging upside down from the roof in the middle of the room. We're pretty excited, because this is the most detail the GM has offered up to this point. Generic Dwarf B has wandered off at this point to play Hero Clix on the other side of the comic shop, and he's ignoring us when we shout that it's his turn, so I commandeer his character, have him strip naked, and all of his equipment belongs to Klart now. Generic Dwarf B spends the rest of the adventure shivering in the jail cell.

    "I... should have said the guards took all your weapons..." the GM shakily begins.

    "NOPE TOO LATE NO TAKE BACKS", I shout, scribbling down the stats for Klart's new Battle Axe, Mace and Chain Shirt. The DM does not contest this. Goblin Guy gives me a high five, but then immediately goes back to pretending his arms are chained to his side and he's upside down.

    Generic Dwarf A says that if he has his Axe still, he starts hacking at the cell door. He just starts rolling and declaring damage, while the GM stares blankly at him. Hobbit Paladin declares that, since these jail cells are emblems of an oppressive totalitarian regime, he can obviously Smite Evil at them, and he rolls as well. Just as they tell the GM that they've done enough damage to force the door open, the GM declares that a bunch of guards have come down, to escort us to the Queen, who will give us an opportunity to be forgiven if we provide her our services as adventurers. Too bad his attempt to provide a Plot hadn't actually taken place two hours earlier.

    So Goblin Guy declares, suspended from the roof, that he is pickpocketing the Guard Captain. Before the GM can say anything, such as "You fail because your arms are chained to your sides", Goblin Guy has rolled. And he has rolled a Natural 20. Every terrible D&D player in the universe knows, 5% of the times that you roll, a Genie will erupt from your d20 and make your dreams come true. There's no denying the power of the Natural 20. None. No logic can thwart it.

    So Goblin Guy now has the keys to the jail in his teeth. He swings around a bit and throws them to Klart, who lets himself out and casts Expeditious Retreat, then dashes like crazy past the guards and up the stairs. Sorry, rest of the team, but Klart's highest priority is shooting Queen Girlfriend in the face with Melf's Acid Arrow.

    It turns out, they understand, and wish me Godspeed. Halfling Paladin and Generic Dwarf A crash out of their cell and engage the 30+ guards, while Goblin Guy thrashes around trying to bite people from above, and shake himself enough that his remaining explosives will fall out of his pockets onto someone. To the GM's credit, he treats the Guards as though they actually have combat stats this time, and the two with actual mobility manage a fairly credible defense from the door to their cell. Eventually though, they are overwhelmed, and die.

    Meanwhile, Klart races through the castle towards the throne room. That's my only description of his direction - "Towards the throne room". The GM doesn't think to question how my Kobold knows the layout of the castle.

    There, I find the Queen on her throne, surrounded by more guards. So Klart scream "HEATHENS AND UNBELIEVERS, COWER BEFORE THE MAJESTY OF THE SECRET APOCRYPHAL DRAGON GOD!" I cast my Acid Arrow, and make my Ranged Touch Attack.

    Sometimes a Genie pops out of the dice and makes your dreams come true. And sometimes the Genie kicks you in the teeth. Exactly 5% of the time for each.

    I declared that Klart's natural 1 meant he had misfired his Acid Arrow into his own mouth somehow, and that he exploded, showering the throne room in far more gore than should be able to fit inside of one Kobold.

    Goblin Guy, as the last surviving party member (not counting Generic Dwarf B) declared that he bit down on the cyanide capsule that all Goblin Agents keep in a false tooth, and tore up his character sheet.

    And then, we went down the street for late-night tacos, and made plans for a much better D&D game that sadly never came to pass.
    Last edited by The Hanged Man; 2014-10-24 at 01:03 PM.
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  6. - Top - End - #336
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Kobold

    Join Date
    Apr 2014

    Default Re: Worst GM

    Quote Originally Posted by NeoNagasaki View Post
    It's kind of funny, I thought I had the worst GM ever, until I got the next GM. Now it's kind of a tossup. I'm leaning towards Eric...what the hell, how about I complain about both, and anyone who cares can vote on who sucked the most? Warning, I get long winded about these topics, I'll try to keep it short.

    Spoiler: Glen.
    Show
    In college we agreed to alternate weeks between Glen and Trevor. Trevor's campaign wasn't great, but we could stand it, Glen's was ****, and he bullied Trevor into giving up his turn every week.

    So we started out the game as escaped slaves coming out of Drow mines with a DMPC dual saber wielding drow who helped us escape. I ran a sorcerer and my GF ran a psion. We were all level 3 and just traveling through the caves, we climbed one wall. Well, everyone climbed it but my girlfriend, who no matter how well she rolled he declared she failed to climb the wall.

    So we randomly find a huge pile of treasure in the middle of nowhere and suddenly a beholder jumps us. About four rounds of not being able to climb the stupid goddamn wall my GF walks out to spend time with her friends...clever girl. Eventually we beat the stupid beholder and jump to level 6. He also rolled randomly for treasure and one PC ended up getting a +5 short sword that dealt extra lightning, damage, frost, and instantly killed demons on critical hits.

    Soon we started meeting the DM's "Amazing NPC's" We would actually mock him behind his back because every one of them had eyes "as blue as the ocean" and would respond to almost anything by stroking their chin and saying "Hmmmmm" in a thoughtful voice. Oh! And all of his female characters were "the most beautiful woman you've ever seen." Oh, they were also ubergods, some of them literally. Most of our sessions consisted of us sitting around listening to the GM's extremely long cutscenes, followed by a battle. We were dragged through internal politics of multiple realms and the entire game became focused on his one friend who had an evil tatoo taking over the nine levels of hell. It was on rails, HARD. I can't tell you how we did it, I missed the one session where we jumped from level 14 or so to level 26 or so.

    These battles were dealt with by the DM's DMPC's fighting with casual grace, one of them was poking enemies to death because as strong as they were, drawing his weapon to deal with them was beneath him. All his creatures had really high spell resistance, and usually fire resistance, which happened to be my character's bread and butter. Oh, and "Caster level" to him used the highest level spell the character could use, not the level of the caster. So at the end our level 26 characters had a caster level of 9. The melee fighters basically did all the work the DMPC's didn't. One time my GF decided she wanted to use an AoE.

    GF: Ok, I want to use this lightning burst thing, but I need to know if I'll hurt all my friends if I do.
    Glen: No, you won't hurt all your friends.
    GF: Okay, I use it.
    Glen: Okay, you guys take...30 damage, reflex saves for half.
    GF: You said I wouldn't hurt them!
    Glen: You didn't hurt all of your friends, Trevor was out of range.

    Yeah...yeah. Oh, and in case you're wondering, all my out of combat spells went about as well. You know how I said fire was my specialty? We came to these ruins where the ground was covered in snow. I tried to melt the snow with my fire. But I couldn't...it's magic snow. The snow couldn't melt, because it was magic. Luckily Trevor managed to find the trapdoor hidden beneath the snow, he's so clever.

    Oh! Almost forgot, he had a thing for nose bleeds. I got an amulet that let me read minds. The only people we interacted with were his DMPC's and any time I tried to read their mind my nose would start bleeding. My GF tried to scry for one once and he but her in a coma...and gave her a nosebleed. In the end it all led up to the crowning moment where we threw down with the archon who guards the gates of heaven or some crap. My GF overcame his spell resistance even with the 16 level penalty for not understanding caster rules, the guy rolled a 1 on his will save, and she forcibly switched minds with him. My GF pulled off an impossible move and stole the body of one of the most powerful creatures in this universe. What was his response? He immediately turned to Trevor and asked him how he'd finish off the archon's new body in great detail and take over the nine levels of hell. What a waste of my goddamn time. He was worse as as a player, but that's not what we're here for so I'll leave it at that.


    Spoiler: Eric
    Show

    So, for years I didn't have very good GM's but I never held it against them, they just weren't for me. Glen was still the worst of the bunch. Then I met Eric, the single worst D&D player I have EVER met. But this isn't about him as a player, so let's get to his game.

    I came into this game with a friend of mine. We were playing brothers, I was Brass, and he was Bronze. We player two separate archetypes of bards and were exiled nobles hiding from assassins and working as traveling musicians while we hunted down our parent's killers (Entirely flavor for us, has nothing to do with the game) The other players were two goblins, and a ranger who lived in the forest.

    So we started our first session with the five of us standing in the court of the king. He told us the necronomicon had been stolen and we were tasked with finding the book and destroying it. If we didn't, the entire world was doomed. This didn't go well.

    Me: "My lord! Don't we have some sort of army who can get this book?"
    King: "No, you do it. God said so."
    Me: "We are mere musicians, and they are goblins. I think anyone with military training would be better suited for the task!"
    King: "We can't. all our soldiers are busy."
    Me: "Really? Every soldier is busy? All of them?"
    King: "Yes, they're all busy, go get the book!"
    Me: "Well...if we pull of this impossible task, will we be rewarded in some way?"
    King: "We'll figure it out later, for now, go get the book."
    Me: "Very well sire, what magical equipment can you give us to aid us in our quest?"
    King: "No, just go get the book!"
    Me: "You are the king of this land, and surely the retrieval of a book that can end the world is of top priority. Surely you want to do everything you can for-"
    King: "DAMN IT NEO, STOP STALLING AND GO GET THE STUPID BOOK!"

    So we leave and start heading north, cause that's where the book is. Along the way we bump into three invincible awesome characters who are super strong and have lots of magical items. They agree to accompany us. So next we come to a town, as we walk through we find out that the town is filled with demons that are so strong they can almost kill me in a single hit. I run. The platemail wearing, rifle toting, beautiful vampire chick insists I get back there and fight. Then she threatens to shoot me in the back. I keep running. After the fight where the three superstars take out all the demons she chases me down, handcuffs me, and drags me back to the plot.

    Oh, by the way, we played over the internet, and all dice were rolled on the honour system. His friend rolled criticals...a lot.

    For brevity's sake I will skip some things. I stopped trying to play a character in the first session. I ended up abducting children and selling them to demons, blah blah blah, nothing I did EVER dissuaded anything from happening. Essentially I ended up being a glorified messenger the whole game, where my role was to get information and bring it to the DMPC's who could go deal with the problem for me. There were two goddesses in the world, one who was good and one who was evil. If I did anything the GM didn't like the good goddess would show up and torture me until I agreed to do whatever I was supposed to.

    Near the end of his first arc there was a cave that the bad guy was in, guarded by twenty zombies with rifles. I cast invisibility and tried to sneak in. There's an anti-magic field that stops my invisibility. The zombies, who are sentient and speak common tell me to get lost. Eventually we figure we just have to go in guns blazing because he stops every other approach. The two of us go in with our shields, we got a bunch of stacked bonuses for when we do things next to eachother, one of them let us have AC bonuses when shielding eachother. The rifles go off as we drop into full defense and they unload everything into us, I take one hit, and it's not for much. They're reloading and we swoop in, for the first time in ten sessions we're excited. Their firing lines get decimated as Bronze great cleaves through several zombies. Then the DM's cleric uses an AOE that kills all the zombies.

    More of this crap happened, and by the time we found the big bad, who was also in an anti magic superfield, I dropped a lighter on his gunpowder room and turned the goddamn mountain into rubble. THE GOD OF GOOD PULLS US ALL BACK FROM THE DEAD AND LETS US COME BACK IN NEW BODIES AS A REWARD FOR FINISHING HER HOLY MISSION. Oh, and one more thing? HERE'S ANOTHER GODDAMN HOLY MISSION, DO IT NOW OR I'LL TORTURE YOU SOME MORE.

    I can back as a 13 year old girl named Sapphire. I was a rogue and I put every point of everything into non-combat skills. My highest stat was charisma, My bluff, stealth, and disguise were literally as high as they could possibly get at that level, I could even roll bluff twice and take the better of the two rolls. Oh, and I blew my items budget on a suit with it's own atmosphere and a flying broom. Also I took unarmed combat so I could suckerpunch people. I didn't care anymore! I wanted to do something damn it!

    The rest of it was terrible. One time I killed a child by dealing nonlethal damage somehow, but I only had hope of enjoying it one time after that. Our ship was under attack by pirates. I used my suit to live underwater, I used my broom to fire me like a torpedo at their boat. I came up on the opposite side and hid. I memorized what the captain looked like and his voice. I snuch into his cabin, stole all his stuff, and started going through his closets do disguise myself as him. I would bluff my way to the powder room and set a charge. For once, FOR ONCE, I would be the GODDAMN HERO, ME! But in the middle of the pitched battle on the high seas the captain decided to come into his room, I pull the little girl act, then try to suckerpunch him, but he blocks, CAUSE HE'S A HIGH LEVEL MONK! You want to know why he checked his room at that moment? NO REASON! Because we left the room after that without him doing anything. I GUESS HIS PLOT SENSE MONL POWERS TOLD HIM GODDAMNIT I HATED THAT FREAKING GAME!


    So...*Shrug* I guess Eric?

    For Glen as a player we have a post for that here: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showt...heard-of/page4

    Please post! I love hearing these stories.

  7. - Top - End - #337
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: What was your worst DM ever? This thread is impervious - roll to disbelieve!

    Quote Originally Posted by The Hanged Man View Post
    A warning about this story: The GM was pretty terrible, but we were kind of jerks in reaction to it. Blame gets spread around evenly in this story, we were all monsters. But some of us were more entertaining monsters, so those will be presented as the heroes.

    Spoiler
    Show
    My brother and I had taken turns for years being GM for our circle of friends, and we were looking to actually be players in the same game for once. So we signed up for some D&D at the FLGS.

    Turns out, the GM was quite a bit younger than us, and pretty inexperienced. But his campaign sounded interesting, so we went in expecting things to be kind of sloppy, no problem. We're Story-oriented more than System-oriented players, so if his grasp of the rules sucked, we were prepared to just roll with it.

    Party consisted of:
    - Klart the Kobold Sorcerer, fast-talking acolyte of the Secret Apocryphal Dragon God who didn't actually exist, whose Cult he was trying to establish purely for financial gain, played by me.
    - Halfling Paladin, who was in love with a human noblewoman and took his paladin oaths to prove to her that he was a worthy suitor, played by my brother.
    - Goblin thief/demolitions guy, whose player vanished after that session and we never saw again, which was a shame, because he was hilarious. We still lament the loss of Goblin Guy years later.
    - Generic Dwarf Fighter A, played by a guy whose only trait I can recall is an odor that was oppressive even by comic shop standards.
    - Generic Dwarf Fighter B, played by the guy who insisted he had sold his homebrew Star Trek RPG to Paramount and was just waiting for his lawyers to finish some things before the check came in and he could stop living in his van (he'll get his own awful DM story later).
    - Mysterious cloaked stranger with butterfly wings and Charisma 24, played by the GM's girlfriend.

    So we start out in a bar, which we are told is also the major hub for the local Adventurer's Guild. We are given no other information about the city. When we ask, we're told "you know, city... buildings... people in the buildings... magic weapon shop. City." But it's cool, we don't want to be jerks, he's a brand new GM. We figure we can help draw details out of him later without being aggressive about it. He's not forthcoming with any other details though, so we just start brainstorming among ourselves why we're here and what we might get up to.

    My brother and I, and Goblin Guy, decide that we already know each other from the "Size Category: Small" luncheon at the Adventurer's Guild. Generic Dwarf B gets mad because we've crafted our extremely silly backstory without including him. I suggest that maybe his Dwarf was our first client, as a registered group of Small Adventurers? Or perhaps we did a job where Team Small Humanoids was matched by the guild with Team Identical Dwarves? He's upset now that I suggested that Dwarf B and Dwarf A are the same, until Goblin Guy points out that they actually appear to have literally identical stats listed on their sheets. But Dwarf A uses a Battle Axe and Shield, while Dwarf B uses a Battle Axe and Mace. Generic Dwarf B is now visibly angry, getting red in the face, but Generic Dwarf A is oblivious to it, and suggests that maybe they're actually twins?

    The GM decides it's time to intervene. "You all take 4 points of damage."

    What? From what source? Are we under attack? Is it magic?

    "No, it's just 'wasting time' damage. Better start doing something quick, if you don't want more."

    Obviously, I don't want more, because Klart the Kobold is now at 1 HP. So I declare helpfully that Klart is looking around to see if there are any obvious-looking sources of quests. Shady guys drinking alone, watching us thoughtfully. Bulletin boards with general "PLEASE KILL THESE RATS IN MY BASEMENT" requests. Whatever. He tells me that, no, we are the only ones inside the bar. I say that I'd like to go outside of the bar then, and Goblin Guy says he follows me. Generic Dwarf A interprets this to mean that there's no bartender, so he stays at the bar and starts trying to drink everything, which is a wholly appropriate plan of action for a Generic Dwarf. The GM gets a pained look on his face, and starts flashing sign language at his girlfriend (who has said nothing so far). Neither of them are hearing impaired, they just learned ASL so they could talk behind teacher's backs in school. Then he says "No, you can't leave. Please, don't split up the party. Just... just don't."

    My brother and I look at each other and shrug. I declare that Klart is suddenly very interested in these human beverages as well, and he is joining Generic Dwarf A to drink. My brother's halfling attempts to rally everyone to go outside and see if there's anything to do... outside, but rolls poorly on his motivating speech. Dwarf B is still seething, but hasn't said anything since receiving his 4 points of Mercurial Fiat damage. But he pipes up now to stonewall the Halfling's attempt to get the party moving as a unit, declares that he's not going anywhere, and starts rambling about his deep backstory that makes him totally unlike any other dwarf. But it's apparent that he either doesn't remember it correctly, or hes making it all up on the spot, because it's complete nonsense, and he keeps having to backtrack to revise it.

    Through all of this, GM and GM's girlfriend have been signing at each other and ignoring us. We are extremely limited in our ability to make things happen ourselves, but he's not providing any action at all either. His worldbuilding so far has been limited to:
    - You are all in a bar.
    - That bar is in a city.
    - There is apparently a Magic Weapons Shop somewhere.
    - You take 4 damage.
    - No one else is in the bar.

    But if another similarly-sized burst of Angry GM Damage flashes through the bar, Goblin Guy and I are dead, which is unforgivable, because our characters are clearly amazing (to us at least), and deserve to shine.

    So Goblin Guy looks at the options, and decides to pick Mysterious Butterfly-Winged Stranger's pockets. Might as well go out with style. GM's girlfriend is now frantically signing at the GM. But, again, hasn't said one word since we sat down at the table, while she was quite the chatterbox before. Goblin Guy's pickpocket bonus is insane, and he rolls well on top of it, but the GM tells him that the mysterious stranger has nothing in her pockets.

    "But she does, in fact, have pockets?" says Goblin Guy.

    "Yes!" says GM's girlfriend emphatically, breaking her vow of silence at last.

    "Good. I plant an Alchemist's Flask with a lit fuse." says Goblin Guy, who deserves to have statues built of him.

    The DM stares at him blankly. My brother suggests that maybe Butterfly Winged Girl should roll Spot vs. Goblin Guy's Sleight of Hand? In fact, maybe everyone should roll spot, because... well... all apologies to Goblin Guy, but Halfling Paladin would probably object to that sort of thing, if he saw it. GM shrugs and goes "whatever", and we all roll Spot checks.

    Only Klart succeeds, and responds by kicking over a table and ducking behind it.

    The flask bursts, Butterfly Winged Girl's cloak is blasted off, and she describes in excruciating detail that she's dressed with the extravagance of royal wealth below. And she's immune to fire, the GM angrily declares.

    Generic Dwarf A tentatively asks "Are you some kind of queen?"

    "YES!" declares butterfly wing girl. "I AM THE QUEEN OF THIS CITY, AND YOU WILL ALL BE EXECUTED AS ASSASSINS! GUARDS!!"

    The bewildered GM looks as blindsided by this as the rest of us, but declares that guards start pouring into the bar and arrest us all, and throw us all in jail. No rolls needed.

    At this point, I should specify, about an hour and a half has gone by. My brother and I have texted each other indicating that 1.) we aren't trying to be helpful pals to the new GM any more, and 2.) we haven't got anything better to do, so why not be as obnoxious as possible until it kills us. Goblin Guy has shown us the way.

    So Halfling Paladin and Generic Dwarf A are in one jail cell, Klart the Kobold and Generic Dwarf B are in another cell, and Goblin Guy is chained up, hanging upside down from the roof in the middle of the room. We're pretty excited, because this is the most detail the GM has offered up to this point. Generic Dwarf B has wandered off at this point to play Hero Clix on the other side of the comic shop, and he's ignoring us when we shout that it's his turn, so I commandeer his character, have him strip naked, and all of his equipment belongs to Klart now. Generic Dwarf B spends the rest of the adventure shivering in the jail cell.

    "I... should have said the guards took all your weapons..." the GM shakily begins.

    "NOPE TOO LATE NO TAKE BACKS", I shout, scribbling down the stats for Klart's new Battle Axe, Mace and Chain Shirt. The DM does not contest this. Goblin Guy gives me a high five, but then immediately goes back to pretending his arms are chained to his side and he's upside down.

    Generic Dwarf A says that if he has his Axe still, he starts hacking at the cell door. He just starts rolling and declaring damage, while the GM stares blankly at him. Hobbit Paladin declares that, since these jail cells are emblems of an oppressive totalitarian regime, he can obviously Smite Evil at them, and he rolls as well. Just as they tell the GM that they've done enough damage to force the door open, the GM declares that a bunch of guards have come down, to escort us to the Queen, who will give us an opportunity to be forgiven if we provide her our services as adventurers. Too bad his attempt to provide a Plot hadn't actually taken place two hours earlier.

    So Goblin Guy declares, suspended from the roof, that he is pickpocketing the Guard Captain. Before the GM can say anything, such as "You fail because your arms are chained to your sides", Goblin Guy has rolled. And he has rolled a Natural 20. Every terrible D&D player in the universe knows, 5% of the times that you roll, a Genie will erupt from your d20 and make your dreams come true. There's no denying the power of the Natural 20. None. No logic can thwart it.

    So Goblin Guy now has the keys to the jail in his teeth. He swings around a bit and throws them to Klart, who lets himself out and casts Expeditious Retreat, then dashes like crazy past the guards and up the stairs. Sorry, rest of the team, but Klart's highest priority is shooting Queen Girlfriend in the face with Melf's Acid Arrow.

    It turns out, they understand, and wish me Godspeed. Halfling Paladin and Generic Dwarf A crash out of their cell and engage the 30+ guards, while Goblin Guy thrashes around trying to bite people from above, and shake himself enough that his remaining explosives will fall out of his pockets onto someone. To the GM's credit, he treats the Guards as though they actually have combat stats this time, and the two with actual mobility manage a fairly credible defense from the door to their cell. Eventually though, they are overwhelmed, and die.

    Meanwhile, Klart races through the castle towards the throne room. That's my only description of his direction - "Towards the throne room". The GM doesn't think to question how my Kobold knows the layout of the castle.

    There, I find the Queen on her throne, surrounded by more guards. So scream "HEATHENS AND UNBELIEVERS, COWER BEFORE THE MAJESTY OF THE SECRET APOCRYPHAL DRAGON GOD!" I cast my Acid Arrow, and make my Ranged Touch Attack.

    Sometimes a Genie pops out of the dice and makes your dreams come true. And sometimes the Genie kicks you in the teeth. Exactly 5% of the time for each.

    I declared that Klart's natural 1 meant he had misfired his Acid Arrow into his own mouth somehow, and that he exploded, showering the throne room in far more gore than should be able to fit inside of one Kobold.

    Goblin Guy, as the last surviving party member (not counting Generic Dwarf B) declared that he bit down on the cyanide capsule that all Goblin Agents keep in a false tooth, and tore up his character sheet.

    And then, we went down the street for late-night tacos, and made plans for a much better D&D game that sadly never came to pass.
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    Quote Originally Posted by illyahr View Post
    I am now a member of the Goblin Guy Fan Club.
    Same here. That story was the greatest thing I've seen in this thread so far.
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Hanged Man View Post
    A warning about this story: The GM was pretty terrible, but we were kind of jerks in reaction to it. Blame gets spread around evenly in this story, we were all monsters. But some of us were more entertaining monsters, so those will be presented as the heroes.

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    My brother and I had taken turns for years being GM for our circle of friends, and we were looking to actually be players in the same game for once. So we signed up for some D&D at the FLGS.

    Turns out, the GM was quite a bit younger than us, and pretty inexperienced. But his campaign sounded interesting, so we went in expecting things to be kind of sloppy, no problem. We're Story-oriented more than System-oriented players, so if his grasp of the rules sucked, we were prepared to just roll with it.

    Party consisted of:
    - Klart the Kobold Sorcerer, fast-talking acolyte of the Secret Apocryphal Dragon God who didn't actually exist, whose Cult he was trying to establish purely for financial gain, played by me.
    - Halfling Paladin, who was in love with a human noblewoman and took his paladin oaths to prove to her that he was a worthy suitor, played by my brother.
    - Goblin thief/demolitions guy, whose player vanished after that session and we never saw again, which was a shame, because he was hilarious. We still lament the loss of Goblin Guy years later.
    - Generic Dwarf Fighter A, played by a guy whose only trait I can recall is an odor that was oppressive even by comic shop standards.
    - Generic Dwarf Fighter B, played by the guy who insisted he had sold his homebrew Star Trek RPG to Paramount and was just waiting for his lawyers to finish some things before the check came in and he could stop living in his van (he'll get his own awful DM story later).
    - Mysterious cloaked stranger with butterfly wings and Charisma 24, played by the GM's girlfriend.

    So we start out in a bar, which we are told is also the major hub for the local Adventurer's Guild. We are given no other information about the city. When we ask, we're told "you know, city... buildings... people in the buildings... magic weapon shop. City." But it's cool, we don't want to be jerks, he's a brand new GM. We figure we can help draw details out of him later without being aggressive about it. He's not forthcoming with any other details though, so we just start brainstorming among ourselves why we're here and what we might get up to.

    My brother and I, and Goblin Guy, decide that we already know each other from the "Size Category: Small" luncheon at the Adventurer's Guild. Generic Dwarf B gets mad because we've crafted our extremely silly backstory without including him. I suggest that maybe his Dwarf was our first client, as a registered group of Small Adventurers? Or perhaps we did a job where Team Small Humanoids was matched by the guild with Team Identical Dwarves? He's upset now that I suggested that Dwarf B and Dwarf A are the same, until Goblin Guy points out that they actually appear to have literally identical stats listed on their sheets. But Dwarf A uses a Battle Axe and Shield, while Dwarf B uses a Battle Axe and Mace. Generic Dwarf B is now visibly angry, getting red in the face, but Generic Dwarf A is oblivious to it, and suggests that maybe they're actually twins?

    The GM decides it's time to intervene. "You all take 4 points of damage."

    What? From what source? Are we under attack? Is it magic?

    "No, it's just 'wasting time' damage. Better start doing something quick, if you don't want more."

    Obviously, I don't want more, because Klart the Kobold is now at 1 HP. So I declare helpfully that Klart is looking around to see if there are any obvious-looking sources of quests. Shady guys drinking alone, watching us thoughtfully. Bulletin boards with general "PLEASE KILL THESE RATS IN MY BASEMENT" requests. Whatever. He tells me that, no, we are the only ones inside the bar. I say that I'd like to go outside of the bar then, and Goblin Guy says he follows me. Generic Dwarf A interprets this to mean that there's no bartender, so he stays at the bar and starts trying to drink everything, which is a wholly appropriate plan of action for a Generic Dwarf. The GM gets a pained look on his face, and starts flashing sign language at his girlfriend (who has said nothing so far). Neither of them are hearing impaired, they just learned ASL so they could talk behind teacher's backs in school. Then he says "No, you can't leave. Please, don't split up the party. Just... just don't."

    My brother and I look at each other and shrug. I declare that Klart is suddenly very interested in these human beverages as well, and he is joining Generic Dwarf A to drink. My brother's halfling attempts to rally everyone to go outside and see if there's anything to do... outside, but rolls poorly on his motivating speech. Dwarf B is still seething, but hasn't said anything since receiving his 4 points of Mercurial Fiat damage. But he pipes up now to stonewall the Halfling's attempt to get the party moving as a unit, declares that he's not going anywhere, and starts rambling about his deep backstory that makes him totally unlike any other dwarf. But it's apparent that he either doesn't remember it correctly, or hes making it all up on the spot, because it's complete nonsense, and he keeps having to backtrack to revise it.

    Through all of this, GM and GM's girlfriend have been signing at each other and ignoring us. We are extremely limited in our ability to make things happen ourselves, but he's not providing any action at all either. His worldbuilding so far has been limited to:
    - You are all in a bar.
    - That bar is in a city.
    - There is apparently a Magic Weapons Shop somewhere.
    - You take 4 damage.
    - No one else is in the bar.

    But if another similarly-sized burst of Angry GM Damage flashes through the bar, Goblin Guy and I are dead, which is unforgivable, because our characters are clearly amazing (to us at least), and deserve to shine.

    So Goblin Guy looks at the options, and decides to pick Mysterious Butterfly-Winged Stranger's pockets. Might as well go out with style. GM's girlfriend is now frantically signing at the GM. But, again, hasn't said one word since we sat down at the table, while she was quite the chatterbox before. Goblin Guy's pickpocket bonus is insane, and he rolls well on top of it, but the GM tells him that the mysterious stranger has nothing in her pockets.

    "But she does, in fact, have pockets?" says Goblin Guy.

    "Yes!" says GM's girlfriend emphatically, breaking her vow of silence at last.

    "Good. I plant an Alchemist's Flask with a lit fuse." says Goblin Guy, who deserves to have statues built of him.

    The DM stares at him blankly. My brother suggests that maybe Butterfly Winged Girl should roll Spot vs. Goblin Guy's Sleight of Hand? In fact, maybe everyone should roll spot, because... well... all apologies to Goblin Guy, but Halfling Paladin would probably object to that sort of thing, if he saw it. GM shrugs and goes "whatever", and we all roll Spot checks.

    Only Klart succeeds, and responds by kicking over a table and ducking behind it.

    The flask bursts, Butterfly Winged Girl's cloak is blasted off, and she describes in excruciating detail that she's dressed with the extravagance of royal wealth below. And she's immune to fire, the GM angrily declares.

    Generic Dwarf A tentatively asks "Are you some kind of queen?"

    "YES!" declares butterfly wing girl. "I AM THE QUEEN OF THIS CITY, AND YOU WILL ALL BE EXECUTED AS ASSASSINS! GUARDS!!"

    The bewildered GM looks as blindsided by this as the rest of us, but declares that guards start pouring into the bar and arrest us all, and throw us all in jail. No rolls needed.

    At this point, I should specify, about an hour and a half has gone by. My brother and I have texted each other indicating that 1.) we aren't trying to be helpful pals to the new GM any more, and 2.) we haven't got anything better to do, so why not be as obnoxious as possible until it kills us. Goblin Guy has shown us the way.

    So Halfling Paladin and Generic Dwarf A are in one jail cell, Klart the Kobold and Generic Dwarf B are in another cell, and Goblin Guy is chained up, hanging upside down from the roof in the middle of the room. We're pretty excited, because this is the most detail the GM has offered up to this point. Generic Dwarf B has wandered off at this point to play Hero Clix on the other side of the comic shop, and he's ignoring us when we shout that it's his turn, so I commandeer his character, have him strip naked, and all of his equipment belongs to Klart now. Generic Dwarf B spends the rest of the adventure shivering in the jail cell.

    "I... should have said the guards took all your weapons..." the GM shakily begins.

    "NOPE TOO LATE NO TAKE BACKS", I shout, scribbling down the stats for Klart's new Battle Axe, Mace and Chain Shirt. The DM does not contest this. Goblin Guy gives me a high five, but then immediately goes back to pretending his arms are chained to his side and he's upside down.

    Generic Dwarf A says that if he has his Axe still, he starts hacking at the cell door. He just starts rolling and declaring damage, while the GM stares blankly at him. Hobbit Paladin declares that, since these jail cells are emblems of an oppressive totalitarian regime, he can obviously Smite Evil at them, and he rolls as well. Just as they tell the GM that they've done enough damage to force the door open, the GM declares that a bunch of guards have come down, to escort us to the Queen, who will give us an opportunity to be forgiven if we provide her our services as adventurers. Too bad his attempt to provide a Plot hadn't actually taken place two hours earlier.

    So Goblin Guy declares, suspended from the roof, that he is pickpocketing the Guard Captain. Before the GM can say anything, such as "You fail because your arms are chained to your sides", Goblin Guy has rolled. And he has rolled a Natural 20. Every terrible D&D player in the universe knows, 5% of the times that you roll, a Genie will erupt from your d20 and make your dreams come true. There's no denying the power of the Natural 20. None. No logic can thwart it.

    So Goblin Guy now has the keys to the jail in his teeth. He swings around a bit and throws them to Klart, who lets himself out and casts Expeditious Retreat, then dashes like crazy past the guards and up the stairs. Sorry, rest of the team, but Klart's highest priority is shooting Queen Girlfriend in the face with Melf's Acid Arrow.

    It turns out, they understand, and wish me Godspeed. Halfling Paladin and Generic Dwarf A crash out of their cell and engage the 30+ guards, while Goblin Guy thrashes around trying to bite people from above, and shake himself enough that his remaining explosives will fall out of his pockets onto someone. To the GM's credit, he treats the Guards as though they actually have combat stats this time, and the two with actual mobility manage a fairly credible defense from the door to their cell. Eventually though, they are overwhelmed, and die.

    Meanwhile, Klart races through the castle towards the throne room. That's my only description of his direction - "Towards the throne room". The GM doesn't think to question how my Kobold knows the layout of the castle.

    There, I find the Queen on her throne, surrounded by more guards. So Klart scream "HEATHENS AND UNBELIEVERS, COWER BEFORE THE MAJESTY OF THE SECRET APOCRYPHAL DRAGON GOD!" I cast my Acid Arrow, and make my Ranged Touch Attack.

    Sometimes a Genie pops out of the dice and makes your dreams come true. And sometimes the Genie kicks you in the teeth. Exactly 5% of the time for each.

    I declared that Klart's natural 1 meant he had misfired his Acid Arrow into his own mouth somehow, and that he exploded, showering the throne room in far more gore than should be able to fit inside of one Kobold.

    Goblin Guy, as the last surviving party member (not counting Generic Dwarf B) declared that he bit down on the cyanide capsule that all Goblin Agents keep in a false tooth, and tore up his character sheet.

    And then, we went down the street for late-night tacos, and made plans for a much better D&D game that sadly never came to pass.
    The Small Creatures Guild sounds like the best people around.

    And I'm not going to read posts in this thread during lunch anymore, because the part about Goblin Guy's nat 20 nearly made me choke.

  10. - Top - End - #340
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    Quote Originally Posted by Diachronos View Post
    And I'm not going to read posts in this thread during lunch anymore, because the part about Goblin Guy's nat 20 nearly made me choke.
    Let's be honest, every DM has had times where they wished the dice would quit enabling their player's craziness. It's why I've made it a consistent rule that actions have to be described before dice are rolled. Otherwise a nat 20 becomes a license to take the action to its most illogical extreme. (A diplomacy check to a guard suddenly becomes an irrefutable compulsion to give them all their stuff, a bluff check let's them convince people they're dead, Climbing lets them defy gravity. etc.) Ridiculous things that defy all reason apparently occur in 5% of all situations in this universe.
    Last edited by Ravian; 2014-10-26 at 02:49 AM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ravian View Post
    Let's be honest, every DM has had times where they wished the dice would quit enabling their player's craziness. It's why I've made it a consistent rule that actions have to be described before dice are rolled. Otherwise a nat 20 becomes a license to take the action to its most illogical extreme. (A diplomacy check to a guard suddenly becomes an irrefutable compulsion to give them all their stuff, a bluff check let's them convince people they're dead, Climbing lets them defy gravity. etc.) Ridiculous things that defy all reason apparently occur in 5% of all situations in this universe.
    I've been doing this for a long time. It also stops take-backs, and the pre-rolling scam.
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    Though to be fair, bluff doesn't work that way, and you can't critically succeed on skill checks so those DCs should be out of reach even on a 20.
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Random NPC View Post
    Though to be fair, bluff doesn't work that way, and you can't critically succeed on skill checks so those DCs should be out of reach even on a 20.
    The thing is - nobody actually plays it that way. Most people have "Nat 20 is Auto-Success. No matter what you're doing". Any game system that has you roll when you don't have a chance of success is terribly designed.

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Random NPC View Post
    Though to be fair, bluff doesn't work that way, and you can't critically succeed on skill checks so those DCs should be out of reach even on a 20.
    Tell that to the drow samurai who accidentally made a masterwork katana while trying to craft an axe.

    ...our usual DM is a *little* loose with the crafting rules...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sartharina View Post
    The thing is - nobody actually plays it that way. Most people have "Nat 20 is Auto-Success. No matter what you're doing". Any game system that has you roll when you don't have a chance of success is terribly designed.
    I've been playing a long time, and never met anyone who ruled this way - everyone I've played with recognized common sense. If they do allow such things, you get absurdities like jumping to the Moon on 5% of your attempts, or having a 5% chance of tripping and breaking your neck every time you climb a set of stairs. And let's not get into the problems of auto-success on opposed rolls, where both sides could roll a 20.

    D&D is full of circumstances when you can attempt something with no chance of success, because the target DC for success is not something you are guaranteed to know. That guard you're Bluffing might be a rank green recruit farmboy, or they might be the king's personal spymaster slumming it out in the streets in disguise for a day, and you have no way of knowing without skills of your own.

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    I've been playing a long time, and never met anyone who ruled this way - everyone I've played with recognized common sense. If they do allow such things, you get absurdities like jumping to the Moon on 5% of your attempts, or having a 5% chance of tripping and breaking your neck every time you climb a set of stairs. And let's not get into the problems of auto-success on opposed rolls, where both sides could roll a 20.

    D&D is full of circumstances when you can attempt something with no chance of success, because the target DC for success is not something you are guaranteed to know. That guard you're Bluffing might be a rank green recruit farmboy, or they might be the king's personal spymaster slumming it out in the streets in disguise for a day, and you have no way of knowing without skills of your own.
    Those situations are handled by not rolling at all. If you're rolling, there HAS to be a chance of failure or success. Otherwise, put the dice away and stop abusing them.

    Of course, in situations where you're rolling when you wouldn't really have a chance of failure or success, 'crit fails/successes' could be either complications(You succeed the overall goal, but something breaks in the process) or lucky breaks (You don't quite succeed, but you don't screw it up, either).

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sartharina View Post
    Those situations are handled by not rolling at all. If you're rolling, there HAS to be a chance of failure or success. Otherwise, put the dice away and stop abusing them.

    Of course, in situations where you're rolling when you wouldn't really have a chance of failure or success, 'crit fails/successes' could be either complications(You succeed the overall goal, but something breaks in the process) or lucky breaks (You don't quite succeed, but you don't screw it up, either).
    Rolling is sometimes required to not break the illusion of player agency or control.

    A 3rd level rogue isn't likely to be able to break into the king's private treasure vaults no matter what they roll on a lockpicking attempt. But flat out telling them that it won't work no matter what breaks the sense of the game world feeling fluid and real. If they take a 20 and still can't open it, that represents considerable in-game time and effort put forwards to accomplishing that goal. Rolling a 20 cues the player into the fact the task was always impossible.

    And some players react badly to learning that some goals are going to be impossible for them to accomplish.

    But beyond that, there are some skills that no roll allowed does make sense for. Such as some surfaces being impossible to climb without a ridiculously high climb skill. But for the most part, things like picking locks and social skills should probably mostly be handled with a die roll, whether or not it is possible for the player to make the check.

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    By not enabling dice rolls for impossible tasks, you ignore the two most sacred traditions of D&D- the first is rolling a d20, the second is breaking out scrap paper and calculating every single possible positive modifier you could receive in this situation.

    "So if the wizard casts Owl's Wisdom on the cleric's magic-amplifying artifact while the bardic music is playing, and the cleric proceeds to rub the artifact on me while casting that one houseruled-in divine intervention spell, then I can try to roll a nat-20 immediately after the bard switches over to buffing me and the ranger stabs a completely unrelated favored enemy because more numbers are always better and we're pretty sure if we talk fast enough we can trick the DM into factoring some of those numbers in."

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    Stop the derail! We must all unify under the banner of the great and powerful Goblin Guy!
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    Quote Originally Posted by ... View Post
    Stop the derail! We must all unify under the banner of the great and powerful Goblin Guy!
    Yes, back to the thread. Goblin Guy will protect us from further bad DM's.
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    I've been playing a long time, and never met anyone who ruled this way - everyone I've played with recognized common sense.
    The groups I've been in tend to treat natural 20s on skill checks as the equivalent of exceptional successes in nWoD. Provided you do in fact pass the DC in the first place, you go above and beyond (to varying degrees) whatever it is you were originally trying to accomplish. As a made-up example, if you're trying to steal someone's purse and roll a natural 20 you manage to slip their watch off while you're at it.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sith_Happens View Post
    The groups I've been in tend to treat natural 20s on skill checks as the equivalent of exceptional successes in nWoD. Provided you do in fact pass the DC in the first place, you go above and beyond (to varying degrees) whatever it is you were originally trying to accomplish. As a made-up example, if you're trying to steal someone's purse and roll a natural 20 you manage to slip their watch off while you're at it.
    This I've never experienced, but I could see it happening with the 'pass the DC' requirement. But not '20 is auto-succeed at all times for anything'.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sartharina View Post
    Those situations are handled by not rolling at all. If you're rolling, there HAS to be a chance of failure or success. Otherwise, put the dice away and stop abusing them.
    When someone demands to try something, even though it's silly, I let them roll for it if they want to. It's not going to work though. I occasionally say "It doesn't work" the instant the dice leave their hands, for comedic effect. Alternatively, if they roll exceptionally well and the task is not entirely binary, they might enjoy a partial success e.g. "No the king is not going to make you Arch-duke and let you marry his daughter just for asking, but he thinks you made an hilarious joke and invites you to dinner" or whatever.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    93. No matter what the character sheet say, there are only 3 PC alignments: Lawful Snotty, Neutral Greedy, and Chaotic Backstabbing.

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    Quote Originally Posted by illyahr View Post
    Yes, back to the thread. Goblin Guy will protect us from further bad DM's.
    Just read the story... Count me in the Goblin Guy Fan Club!!!

    Also, I probably shouldn't mention that one time I nearly TPK'd my party with a modded dragon that I thought would be a decent challenge. That one incident has made me strive to become a better GM (so far I've been better).
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    There was one DM I had that liked Dwarf Fortress. He really liked Dwarf Fortress. To the point where he targeted anybody who played an elf of any kind, and he used the Dwarf Fortress definition of "fun" in his games. Wait, scratch that, not in his games; that was legitimately his real-life idea of what fun is.

    He's not the worst DM I've ever had, though, because despite those flaws he did make a lot of effort to make the game interesting and fun.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Diachronos View Post
    There was one DM I had that liked Dwarf Fortress. He really liked Dwarf Fortress. To the point where he targeted anybody who played an elf of any kind, and he used the Dwarf Fortress definition of "fun" in his games. Wait, scratch that, not in his games; that was legitimately his real-life idea of what fun is.

    He's not the worst DM I've ever had, though, because despite those flaws he did make a lot of effort to make the game interesting and fun.
    You all died drunk and covered in vomit, roasting in lava while using your babies for human humanoid shields?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marlowe View Post
    You all died drunk and covered in vomit, roasting in lava while using your babies for human humanoid shields?
    Leaving only a single insane dwarf militia man and a child? The militia man would then tell for long hours how "everything changed when the fire dward attacked... And by fire dward I mean a berserk former ruler who kept punching things to death WHILE ON FIRE!"?
    he did make a lot of effort to make the game interesting and fun.
    Clarification here, 'fun' fun, or fun* fun?

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    read 'starved to death by sudden mushroom growth'
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    Default Re: What was your worst DM ever? This thread is impervious - roll to disbelieve!

    The trick to dealing with setting-obsessed DMs is to use that setting to your advantage. For instance, operating under Dwarf Fortress logic, hilarious magma deathtraps are a common fixture of any reasonably-defended settlement, and any conspicuous unmarked levers you see have a roughly one in four chance of triggering them.

    That's it, my new campaign ambition is to somehow trick the DM into letting me pull a lever that douses everything in magma.
    Last edited by Milodiah; 2014-10-29 at 01:51 AM.

  29. - Top - End - #359
    Colossus in the Playground
    Join Date
    Feb 2014

    Default Re: What was your worst DM ever? This thread is impervious - roll to disbelieve!

    Quote Originally Posted by Alberic Strein View Post
    Clarification here, 'fun' fun, or fun* fun?

    Spoiler: *
    Show
    read 'starved to death by sudden mushroom growth'
    Actual, non-Dwarf Fortress fun. We fought a black pudding made of black pudding. That turned you into more of itself if you ate it

  30. - Top - End - #360
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Stuebi's Avatar

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    Oct 2013

    Default Re: What was your worst DM ever? This thread is impervious - roll to disbelieve!

    I have one from very recently, my first time playing a homebrew setting.

    Spoiler: Run for yer' life, mon.
    Show
    I say a lot of stupid stuff when I'm drunk. I'm adding "I dont see why I wouldnt want to play in your homebrew-setting!" to the top of the list.

    The guy appearantly DM's very regularly, altough I have only experienced him as a player. Group is setting itself up, most people are busy creating their characters (He ported the Char-creation from another system, to save time), while I'm playing X-Com to kill time until everybody is ready. We were around 25 minutes overdue for the game to start, and the DM wasnt quite ready yet. So I asked if it would be fine to get a cup o' coffee. DM told me I could go right ahead, and I was afk for around 10 minutes (My coffeemachine needs ages to warm up and grind beans.). When I came back, it seemed the DM and one of the players just finished a rather loaded argument. They told me it was fine, so I didnt pay much attention to it.

    So we start out, and we're sitting on an island with Lizardpeople living on it. A nearby volcanoe had broken out, and was regularly bombarding the area with fireballs, all the while a group of bucaneers was in the process of attacking the village.

    There may be some of you finding that scene very familiar. It's pretty much a 1:1 port of Might and Magic VIII: Day of the Destroyer. I had played the game not too long ago after a sale on GOG, and after recognizing the scene, I guessed the DM might have played it too. Nothing wrong with getting a bit of inspiration, right?

    Emphasis on "a bit".

    While I had hoped he was only using the setting and would eventually guided us away from the path in the game, he pretty much copied everything. We entered the first dungeon, an old snake temple. And I swear, every trap, every chest and every Mob was right there where you would find him in the game. OFC, this put me a bit into a bind. Apart from me and the other player who had argued earlier, the others were having fun. And using Meta-knowledge is pretty mean too. Still, I chatted the DM up on Skype and told him, that I basically knew the game right until the point where you would reach the second Hub. He was miffed (How is that MY fault?! Stop stealing Plotideas from Videogames you prick!) and asked me to not use any of my extra info.

    Naturally, this translated into me not being allowed to find or disarm any of the hidden secrets and traps. If I even amde the slightest hint at looking at my sourrunding, the DM switched right over to somebody else. Mentally, I allready saw us being mauled by all the mean ****e deeper in the temple. But I was "lucky", if you can call it that. It seems that one other player, the one who had argued with Big Daddy while I was gone, had played the game too (Which was the cause of their earlier argument). DM had shut him down after his first complaint and told him to "just roll with it". And that he did. And proceeded to loot every nook and cranny inside the temple, subtly point other people into the right direction to find Loot or hidden secrets, and managed to disarm almost all traps with the help of another player. You could practically hear the DM's heavy breathing on the other side of the Mic.

    All in all, the session was incredibly boring and predictable, and ended with the two guys shouting at each other again. An incredible waste of a saturday evening.
    FMA -Envy Avatar by Comissar!

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