Crusader Kings 2 Thread III: Keeping Up With The Karlings

[Shoreward]

I still remember the first time I launched this game. A lonely afternoon, with only myself and a grizzled veteran player to coach me. “Shoreward,” he said, using my real name and not my screen name, “You're probably going to lose horribly.” I'm pretty sure he was gnawing on a disused instruction manual, as is the custom in most circles. With his encouragement, I forged onward.

I began with the tutorial, pouring over every stray tool-tip and every octuple-chinned character portrait. Kings, of course, and my brothers in the other realms of Spain. How had the land become so divided? What dread enemy drove my family apart and held us at each other's throats?

“Gavelkind Succession,” my coach whispered through a mouthful of shredded paper. My expression hardened. It was already worse than I could have imagined.

Before long, another tool-tip appeared; “Kill your brother, you're his only heir”. Was fratricide really the only answer? How could I justify murdering my own kin? How could I fall to something so heinous so soon? I pondered this and other questions for a harrowing eight seconds, before beginning the plot.

So began my long and bloody campaign to bring the kingdom of León back to its rightful heights. After a series of bumbling military endeavours and strained family relations, I began to panic. Death grew nearer, and my only heir was an idiot six year old with more bad traits than good. His tutor was a foreign woman suspected of witchcraft, and so far I wasn't impressed by her teaching methods.

“Well, this stinks,” I said gravely, “All that effort, and this clown is going to replace me?” My first character died, and my realm fell into disarray for ten long years as my wife ruled in my child's stead, then into further disarray when my cousin murdered her to take her place. I resigned myself to the loss as civil war drew nearer.

Then my son came of age.

I stared at the character page in disbelief. I rubbed at my eyes. Somehow, in the time between being a child and getting his first chest hair, my son went from having no stat above three to a literal Genius. His numbers sky-rocketed – the highest I'd seen so far – and I praised the heavens for my good fortune. He was also a Possessed Lunatic, so I redirected my praises downwards.

What followed as a reign of absolute tyranny. I won every war. I killed every dissenter. My cousins complained about my murdering, so I murdered them, too. My realm swelled until I held every territory of Galicia, León, and Castille. I took what would become Portugal. Then I took a wife, and together we had enough children to rival the Karlings. In short, too many children. I was running out of demonic names to give them.

There was no recourse except to change the laws to break away from Gavelkind, but in this I hit a snag; to change laws, my vassals needed to like me. They did not. Despite being a crusader and a genius, I seemed to be having some trouble gaining public trust. With one last murder, I died, realm divided once again.

I'd say it was a good first day.

[Flickerdart]

I still remember the first time I launched this game. A lonely afternoon, with only myself and a grizzled veteran player to coach me. “Shoreward,” he said, using my real name and not my screen name, “You're probably going to lose horribly.” I'm pretty sure he was gnawing on a disused instruction manual, as is the custom in most circles. With his encouragement, I forged onward.

It's pretty hard to lose CKII - you only lose when you have no more land, and if you ever become unlanded as a sovereign you automatically take over a vassal's county. It's hard to lose unless you're being Mongol'd, or are particularly stubborn about converting in the face of holy wars from overwhelming powers.

He was also a Possessed Lunatic, so I redirected my praises downwards.

He probably had Voice of Jesus, which gives +30 Martial.

[Rockphed]

New Thread is here.