Personal Woes and Advice 4

[factotum]

they'll take your side and take a step back from the issue/the meddlesome ex.
if they don't do that, they weren't really friends of yours to begin with, so you don't really lose much beyond a few social calls and commitments.

This, 100 times this. If your friends aren't good enough friends to ignore the jibes, or at least let you tell your side of the story, then you're better off rid of them.

[Glass Mouse]

Comrade, the others are right. It is worth remembering that people very rarely come back from realizing that a manipulative jerk is a manipulative jerk who cannot be trusted. Once you see the strings, it is amazingly hard to unsee them. And your new friend has already seen the strings of your ex's manipulations (sounds like she did it before you did, even). I can't even imagine what kind of bizarre stunts your ex would have to pull to make your friend forget what she already knows. Hell, the odds are good your friend has been a victim herself.

Just think: Is there anything your ex could tell you that would make you drop your friend? Why not? And then remember, your friend has the exact same information you do.

Whenever he he is cur, he is speaking Greek is a fair shorthand.

I like this a lot. The next time I encounter this problem, I'm gonna pretend that he just started speak Greek and I'm just politely trying to help him save face.

Just posting to say I'm more and more impressed with the wisdom Glass Mouse imparts.

Oh. Thank you.

[Alent]

There are sometimes where being an Introvert and Borderline Hikikomori just does not pay... Either I need to stop being a shut in or go full shut in, I'm not sure which.

Spoiler

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So, my D&D group went splat again. I think it's not my fault, but I'm left here with a barely begun campaign that was shaping up interestingly, just... going "... what happened?"

We hadn't played in forever, and since the last time we played a year ago, we lost several group members and were down to 3 of us, so one recruited his two new roommates as players so we could have a party of four and DM. I'd been DMing 3.5 for the group, everything was going pretty nicely, I took time and strategically tweaked rules and abused WBL to make sure that everyone was satisfied and roughly equivalent in power, was working to make sure everyone got RP hooks and personal sidequests to try to draw them into the story and setting more... And then bam. Last week's session got cancelled, and a week later... it's pretty much final: Campaign's over.

Thing is... there are so many smoking guns here that I have no idea what happened.

I know that one player had to move out of state due to work, and I vaguely know that as he was moving last week, the other new player supposedly did something that offended the other two, and the remaining one that told me everything was called off said we could come over and hang out and I started trying to fish for what happened to see if I could help find a solution so we could keep playing... which became impossible as soon as the alcohol came out. The one who told me everything was cancelled, once tipsy, asked a cryptic question about card games that made no sense until his new girlfriend showed up for drunken card games an hour later. He insisted we could continue the conversation, but after a little while, even as socially inept as I am, it became fairly clear that I was in the way and erred to show myself out.

Everyone was enjoying themselves, second to last play session they were so excited that they were jumping around doing high fives for how good the night's encounter went. In one session they went from that to one of the players ragequitting for an undisclosed supposedly unrelated reason and another scheduling a booty call on D&D night? Just.... What... Arggghhh.

People.

[Chen]

If one player was moving and another offended people you're back to just 3 players which doesn't work all that well. I mean sure you CAN play 2 players and a DM, but perhaps one of the other two remaining didn't want to do that and thus not enough people to play.

Doesn't seem like any of this is your fault or anything though. Just poor circumstance I'd say.

[messy1349]

follow-up info on this situation.

second, and likely final, follow-up: according to my (very smart) sister, there's nothing to be concerned about.

my old dentist confirmed that the new dentist's diagnosis is suspicious. i tactfully cancelled my next appointment with the new dentist and won't be contacting her again.

the frustrating part is that this happened despite a good rating with the better business bureau and favorable reviews from patients. i thought i'd done my homework but still ended up dissatisfied.

big, big thanks to anyone who read my posts.

[WarKitty]

I feel like I'm becoming a live-in therapist at home. And I can't keep doing it. The trouble is I'm not sure what to do about it. The best way I can put it is I'm getting sympathy responses when I'm asking for behavior change responses. So if I say "this is overwhelming me and I can't keep talking about how awful things are all the time," I get responses like "yes it is hard, I know it's hard, it's hard for me too." Which...isn't really a productive response. When I try to say for a specific time "I'm ok with going as long as we're not talking about problems" I get responses like "I can't promise that because it's looping in my head over and over again and I can't think about anything else." And I just don't know what to do. I'm constantly getting told I need to be more social, that I shouldn't "freeze her out", and that I'll just make myself depressed - but then I'm getting told with everything going on that I can't be part of the family and not expect to have to deal with all the problems.

[Chen]

I feel like I'm becoming a live-in therapist at home. And I can't keep doing it. The trouble is I'm not sure what to do about it. The best way I can put it is I'm getting sympathy responses when I'm asking for behavior change responses. So if I say "this is overwhelming me and I can't keep talking about how awful things are all the time," I get responses like "yes it is hard, I know it's hard, it's hard for me too." Which...isn't really a productive response. When I try to say for a specific time "I'm ok with going as long as we're not talking about problems" I get responses like "I can't promise that because it's looping in my head over and over again and I can't think about anything else." And I just don't know what to do. I'm constantly getting told I need to be more social, that I shouldn't "freeze her out", and that I'll just make myself depressed - but then I'm getting told with everything going on that I can't be part of the family and not expect to have to deal with all the problems.

Consider your first line: "this is overwhelming me and I can't keep talking about how awful things are all the time". Replace with "this is overwhelming me so I am not going to talk about it" and then stop talking about it. Walk away if need be. In the second case if they can't promise to not talking about something wherever you're going, don't go. Talking reason doesn't seem to work and gentle hints don't seem to work, so direct and blunt tends to be the next option.

[WarKitty]

Consider your first line: "this is overwhelming me and I can't keep talking about how awful things are all the time". Replace with "this is overwhelming me so I am not going to talk about it" and then stop talking about it. Walk away if need be. In the second case if they can't promise to not talking about something wherever you're going, don't go. Talking reason doesn't seem to work and gentle hints don't seem to work, so direct and blunt tends to be the next option.

The main thing is I don't want to have to keep walking away in my own home. That leads to things like me not eating lunch, because to eat lunch I have to be out in the middle of things and therefore available for conversation. Plus I basically have to not do anything at all that requires a car rid or going somewhere, because I can't walk away. I really don't want to have to spend all my days locked in my room.

[Chen]

The main thing is I don't want to have to keep walking away in my own home. That leads to things like me not eating lunch, because to eat lunch I have to be out in the middle of things and therefore available for conversation. Plus I basically have to not do anything at all that requires a car rid or going somewhere, because I can't walk away. I really don't want to have to spend all my days locked in my room.

Well just ignoring the person can work. The "walk away" thing wasn't necessarily meant as literal. State firmly you're not going to discuss the things that are bothering you to discuss and don't engage.

[Thrawn4]

I'm constantly getting told I need to be more social, that I shouldn't "freeze her out", and that I'll just make myself depressed - but then I'm getting told with everything going on that I can't be part of the family and not expect to have to deal with all the problems.

So you are expected to respect their issues while they are ignoring yours? I mean obviously it would help you to get a break, I don't see how they can't at least accept that (being able to might be another issue). Being part of the family should grant you the same rights, shouldn't it?

[WarKitty]

So you are expected to respect their issues while they are ignoring yours? I mean obviously it would help you to get a break, I don't see how they can't at least accept that (being able to might be another issue). Being part of the family should grant you the same rights, shouldn't it?

The impression I get is that it's respected in principle, but in the heat of the moment it ends up not being so - and I'm always fighting the "just one comment" type of mentality. Or the "it's actually really important this time" or something. The general impression I'm getting is that she acknowledges in general that sometimes I need a break, but that in the time it's just "I hurt and I need someone to talk to" is taking over.

[The Eye]

So I attended a co-workers birthday in a bar... I don't usually go to such places... I think that was my first time in one.

it was a very cool trendy place with a lot of beautiful people having fun... So I feel very uncomfortable and out of place. But I did my best to fit in and enjoy.

She always complains that horror movies are not scary but she never saw the classics so i gave her “The shining “as a gift... I hope that was not a faux pas.

All was good and I was even kind of having fun despite the loud music and people drinking, and then they started taking photos.

I HATE PHOTOS. And I don't know to pose or smile... so i end up looking like a creepy psychopath most of the time... I want to cry...

why people like photos so much anyway? Is the desire for immortally or to keep that moment frozen on time? it makes no sense I look awful and I'm so sad now.

How do you guys do it? Is there a trick to look natural and spontaneous in a photo?

Everything was going so well... now I bet they are all making fun of me and I ruined most of the photos. :\

[WarKitty]

So I attended a co-workers birthday in a bar... I don't usually go to such places... I think that was my first time in one.

it was a very cool trendy place with a lot of beautiful people having fun... So I feel very uncomfortable and out of place. But I did my best to fit in and enjoy.

She always complains that horror movies are not scary but she never saw the classics so i gave her “The shining “as a gift... I hope that was not a faux pas.

All was good and I was even kind of having fun despite the loud music and people drinking, and then they started taking photos.

I HATE PHOTOS. And I don't know to pose or smile... so i end up looking like a creepy psychopath most of the time... I want to cry...

why people like photos so much anyway? Is the desire for immortally or to keep that moment frozen on time? it makes no sense I look awful and I'm so sad now.

How do you guys do it? Is there a trick to look natural and spontaneous in a photo?

Everything was going so well... now I bet they are all making fun of me and I ruined most of the photos. :\

If it helps, everyone has photos where they look like absolute idiots. And thinking you look bad in photos is pretty common. So it's highly unlikely that anyone is going to think badly of you or anything for not looking good in photos. It's just not the kind of thing that generally incites more than a passing comment.

[druid91]

So, I managed to accidentally back into my bosses car with a golf-cart. causing some damage. (Nothing too impressive, a ding and some scratches.) but still damage.

Now he's asked for, and received my car insurance information.... but I'm not sure if it actually works like that, since I wasn't IN the car at the time. I was in one of the work carts.

[WarKitty]

So, I managed to accidentally back into my bosses car with a golf-cart. causing some damage. (Nothing too impressive, a ding and some scratches.) but still damage.

Now he's asked for, and received my car insurance information.... but I'm not sure if it actually works like that, since I wasn't IN the car at the time. I was in one of the work carts.

I'm pretty sure it doesn't. Generally employees in the course of their duties operating work equipment are covered by work insurance.

[factotum]

Yeah, it sounds to me that would be more of an employer's insurance deal than a car insurance one, but obviously I am not a lawyer and couldn't give legal advice on these forums even if I was, so take that assessment with a pinch of salt.

[kyoryu]

How would you react if someone just approached you and started talking to you?

Depends on the situation?

In general, I'm really fine with it. Even for people that appear less fortunate, it's fine.

Not a big fan of beggars, though. You pretty much need to not give them an opening, as they'll use it.

[Algeh]

So, I managed to accidentally back into my bosses car with a golf-cart. causing some damage. (Nothing too impressive, a ding and some scratches.) but still damage.

Now he's asked for, and received my car insurance information.... but I'm not sure if it actually works like that, since I wasn't IN the car at the time. I was in one of the work carts.

You may want to call your insurance company yourself and ask them. I haven't the foggiest idea how it would work if you were in a work vehicle at the time (I would assume that would be the company's insurance), but I would also guess that your insurance company knows more about how insurance works than I do. (Disclaimer: I have a really nice insurance agent that I've known for years. This may make me more willing to discuss things with them than if I were dealing with a large company directly.)

[Honest Tiefling]

She always complains that horror movies are not scary but she never saw the classics so i gave her “The shining “as a gift... I hope that was not a faux pas.

Unless a gift is offensive or shows a great lack of thoughtfulness (Such as giving chocolate to a known diabetic), a gift is a ****ing gift. You are obviously trying to give a nice and thoughtful gift. If this is thrown back in your face, reconsider your relationship with this person.

All was good and I was even kind of having fun despite the loud music and people drinking, and then they started taking photos.

Just ask not to be a part of them. Most people are understanding of this. If you encounter someone who doesn't care about this, become the Photobomber of your workplace and put on a whacky face. Or offer to take the picture of other people, so you are on the proper end of the camera.

why people like photos so much anyway? Is the desire for immortally or to keep that moment frozen on time? it makes no sense I look awful and I'm so sad now.

In a lot of cases, memories. Sometimes when someone is not around, it feels good to have a memory of that. I doubt your co-workers are this way, admittedly. I think some people just like to have a reminder of good times for later.

I don't think it was polite to take your picture without warning, but remember: They might have had good reasons for it. Some might not even be aware of your discomfort.

The impression I get is that it's respected in principle, but in the heat of the moment it ends up not being so - and I'm always fighting the "just one comment" type of mentality. Or the "it's actually really important this time" or something. The general impression I'm getting is that she acknowledges in general that sometimes I need a break, but that in the time it's just "I hurt and I need someone to talk to" is taking over.

Tell them firmly that you are too stressed to be their emotional support. Be polite, make it clear that you DO sympathize, but that you can only do so much. Once you have been firm, set your boundaries by establishing eye contact, telling them they need to respect your boundaries and then don't respond. Just go about your day, even if you have to make a bowl of cereal in silence.

I do not like suggesting not being firm in this sort of case, but if you can, try to suggest non-verbal forms of support. Make cookies or a nice meal (doesn't have to be expensive!). Watch their favorite movie. Help with chores while they take a bath.

I am sorry to hear that your therapists have not worked. If you MUST have a therapist, I advise shopping around as much as you possibly can. I got assigned a university therapist that was a complete ***hole, I wished I had the confidence to have reported him back then.

[2D8HP]

Nowhere near as important as most of the issues folks ask about on this thread, but this was my old "sig":

Extended Signature

Spoiler: Gentlemen prefer Dragons!

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Get those damn d10s off my lawn!

Levels used to mean something!

Player/DM cooperation? What sort of newfangled hippie nonsense is that?

It was a dark and dreadful time. It's good that it passed

Like 2D8HP expressed, as long as the setting is BADASS!

Holy crap 2d8HP! That's a hell of a novel you wrote. Thanks!

Is my new one better?

[WarKitty]

Nowhere near as important as most of the issues folks ask about on this thread, but this was my old "sig":

Spoiler: Gentlemen prefer Dragons!

Show

Is my new one better?

I would ask this over in random banter. This thread tends to be for more serious stuff/problemsolving type issues.

[2D8HP]

OK, on a more serious note:

Most of my work is doing repairs in the jail, police stations, and the autopsy room. Being ignorant of the "dark side of things" is a goal of mine, but most days I encounter the imprisoned, the dead, and/or the impoverished. Most people I speak with are also "dark" humored (including my 12-yeasr-old son!).

When I do encounter people who are still effected by the misery they encounter I react with surprise, jealousy, and sometimes shame.

If I wasn't cold-hearted it would be difficult to provide for my family, but it sometimes makse it difficult to pretend to be empathetic, when it's called for.

[Icewraith]

OK, on a more serious note:

Most of my work is doing repairs in the jail, police stations, and the autopsy room. Being ignorant of the "dark side of things" is a goal of mine, but most days I encounter the imprisoned, the dead, and/or the impoverished. Most people I speak with are also "dark" humored (including my 12-yeasr-old son!).

When I do encounter people who are still effected by the misery they encounter I react with surprise, jealousy, and sometimes shame.

If I wasn't cold-hearted it would be difficult to provide for my family, but it sometimes makse it difficult to pretend to be empathetic, when it's called for.

Numbing yourself to the misery you encounter can be considered an effect.

[Jon_Dahl]

I went into politics and now I can't sleep. I have always slept well, but now I keep thinking about all the arguments and the faces and the pressure all the time.

[2D8HP]

I went into politics and now I can't sleep....

You mean your running for office?

[Jon_Dahl]

You mean your running for office?

City council.
However, I had a better day today than yesterday, so that helped a bit.

[Honest Tiefling]

So here's an etiquette question I want answered: Is it strange to show up at a restaurant with condiments in tow? I've heard and read that its advised for people on the gluten free diet (guess what my doctor put me on!) to do so, but I would think this would be quite a rude thing to do, even if I can't have a lot of condiments. Thoughts?

[Aedilred]

So here's an etiquette question I want answered: Is it strange to show up at a restaurant with condiments in tow? I've heard and read that its advised for people on the gluten free diet (guess what my doctor put me on!) to do so, but I would think this would be quite a rude thing to do, even if I can't have a lot of condiments. Thoughts?

Depending on the restaurant, yeah, I think that would be construed as rude. McDonalds, sure, nobody's going to care. By bringing your own condiments there's an implicit assertion that the restaurant's condiments aren't good enough for you. It's basically like bringing food from home. If you're really so concerned that the restaurant won't be able to cater for your dietary needs, the thing to do is to call them in advance to check/request they can cater for you, rather than just bringing your own.

[Alent]

I am so tired of Insurance Companies. I had to switch to another insurance co. at the end of last year and my arm doctor and new insurance are in a denial match where the insurance carrier swears that my doctor is in network, and my doctor's office swears that my insurance carrier dropped them from the network some time late last year and won't pay a single penny on any patient, so any appointments I make are going to be treated as uninsured.

One of them is wrong, but finding out which is proving very difficult and I'm not really making any progress on figuring out which.

Adding to matters, my neck is getting worse and I have to see someone about that... but I have no idea who is or isn't in network because of this mess. Tomorrow I get to find out if my general practice doc is in network. (he supposedly is... but he'd be the third that I thought was, but isn't.)

[Comrade]

City council.
However, I had a better day today than yesterday, so that helped a bit.

At least you've been motivated to try and contribute to your community through the avenue of local politics. It's certainly daunting and not for everybody, but if it's the route you've chosen, I wish you the best in improving your community that way.

I am so tired of Insurance Companies. I had to switch to another insurance co. at the end of last year and my arm doctor and new insurance are in a denial match where the insurance carrier swears that my doctor is in network, and my doctor's office swears that my insurance carrier dropped them from the network some time late last year and won't pay a single penny on any patient, so any appointments I make are going to be treated as uninsured.

One of them is wrong, but finding out which is proving very difficult and I'm not really making any progress on figuring out which.

Adding to matters, my neck is getting worse and I have to see someone about that... but I have no idea who is or isn't in network because of this mess. Tomorrow I get to find out if my general practice doc is in network. (he supposedly is... but he'd be the third that I thought was, but isn't.)

Dealing with insurance (of pretty much any kind) is always pretty intimidating. I lack the knowledge to offer much in the way of advice-- and I'm not sure if I could provide much advice anyway without skirting forum rules-- but I hope it all works out for the best.