The Depression Thread

[MethodicalMeat]

I'm not sure where to go with this one...my family is out of the question, I can't tell them, and I honestly don't trust the part-time counselors here in my hometown. There isn't a real psychiatrist for miles, cities even. And I can't talk about it here, people I know in real life frequent this forum...

[Rex Idiotarum]

Private Message someone. I know quite a few people are willing to listen to the troubles of others, myself included, if they were PM'd about it.

[MethodicalMeat]

I'd feel guilty about dumping my problems in a complete stranger's lap, and then there's my trust issues, and the fact that this problem is particularly embarrasing...

[Gitman00]

This will probably be very dull, but I really need to vent.

I hate my job. Or rather, I hate what it's become. When I first took this job, I was put in charge of my section, and given responsibility for its success or failure. The nature of the job changed, and the level of responsibility increased dramatically, as the number of people that fell under my jurisdiction effectively doubled, and I was now reporting to a colonel instead of a lieutenant colonel (I'm a staff sergeant [E-5] in the Air Force, if anyone cares). No promotion for me, mind you, just more work and more brass scrutinizing me. No problem, just some good-natured griping about how I should get another stripe or two on my sleeve, and I took the extra workload in stride, secure in the knowledge that I was making a difference. We got a new staff sergeant in the office who was placed under me, my superiors were happy, and things were going pretty well.

Well, long story short, I spent a certain 14-hour day with no lunch break populating massive amounts of data for a spreadsheet that was due the next day. I made a mistake in the formatting, and I was suddenly missing a big chunk out of my ass. I fixed the mistake in a half-hour, and the deadline was only slipped a couple hours. In that time, though, I was replaced by the new staff sergeant; we'll call her "Sergeant Smith". The superintendent rationalized it by explaining that Sgt Smith outranked me (she'd been a staff sergeant longer) and so she should be in charge of the office. My BS detector went off, because if that were really the reason he wouldn't have waited until I made a mistake to replace me.

Next came the response to the infamous spreadsheet. Since Sgt Smith was my new boss, I had sent the fixed product up the chain through her. In short order, I was CC'd on an e-mail heaping praise on Sgt Smith for a job well done. That she was given credit for my work while I was fired for it was bad enough, but CC-ing me on that e-mail had no purpose except to deliver a personal twist of the knife.

Since then (this was a couple months ago) I've tried to bear my fate with as much dignity as possible, but I've been shunted to the position of scapegoat. "Something went wrong? Must be Sgt Gitman's fault!" It's been a steady downward spiral ever since, especially since that initial kick in the guts effectively destroyed my motivation. I'm a firm believer that one should concentrate on what one does rather than what happens to him, but it's a lot harder in practice than in theory.

Today I found out that Sgt Smith has been systematically dripping poison in all my co-workers' ears about how incompetent I am, ever since the spreadsheet incident. This partially explains why it's been so much harder for me to get anything accomplished recently, since my job depends very heavily on dealing with other people. It also fills me with mind-numbing rage, because she's been sabotaging my ability to work effectively, and then blaming me when things don't get done on time.

Part of her propaganda campaign has involved making subtly contemptuous remarks about me in front of my subordinates. I confronted her directly about this today, since it's extremely unprofessional and destroys my credibility, and she told me straight out, "I don't really care how you feel about it. And if you want to go to our superintendent about it, go right ahead. I have plenty of ammunition to use against you, because I've talked to him every time I've had an issue with you, which has been a lot." Needless to say, she never brought a single one of these "issues" up with me.

So, now I know that she's been consolidating her power base and poisoning our superiors against me, too. If this has been going on ever since she came into the office, without my knowledge, my credibility is gone, without me even seeing it go. As much as I hate to admit it, I feel helpless against that level of malice. Especially since I can't even understand her motives for it.

Yes, we have office politics, even in the military. Now I think I understand why C.S. Lewis, in the Screwtape Letters, imagined hell as a bureaucracy. My job satisfaction is at an all-time low, my stress is at an all-time high, I have no immediate hope of escape, and I have a headache as I'm writing this. At least it's Friday.

Thanks for listening, if you got this far. It's been a trial to say the least.

[zeratul]

Guys something hit me really hard today. One of my closest friends basically just rejected me. It had to do with me being gothish, and I opened up to him. Told him about how I'm depressed, feel like an outcast, hat most of the people in our school system, and this was not going to change, even though I wish it would. Then he basically said goodbye for good. I'm really really hurt by this.

[Rex Idiotarum]

Wow, what an ass, you're better off without him.

[zeratul]

Well also, back when everyone else hated this kid for being an outcast, not liking people, and seeming really emo, I stood by him, through also his mental duress. Now during a time when I need support, hes just severing the ties.

[EmeraldRose]

Gitman, as a former AF spouse, I can tell you that I think your next step is to take things up the ranks.

You have now spoken to your "supervisor". That it what this sgt. is supposedly, and you've gotten an answer. It was a load of BS, and now you have been given her permission to take it up the ranks. Next is to take it to her supervisor. If that person, has as she has put it, ammunition against you, I recommend you talk to your Shirt first. It sounds like this has become a serious issue, and is not something that is going to go away.

You always have the option of bringing your Shirt in at any point. Don't let this fester up because it will only hurt how you work and how you function in your flight.

If this person is truly "twisting the knife" in your career, you have to ask yourself...what are your EPR's going to look like if she is the one putting in the recommendations to your flight commander?

Try to manage this before it get's out of hand! Talk to your Shirt!!!

[zeratul]

Also guys I'm kind of worried now he'll tell other people not to consort with me. Hopefully though this won't affect my real friend. But if he were to twist my words, say im in a worse mental state than I am. People might start avoiding me.

[CurlyKitGirl]

I got your PM and was understandably concerned so I checked the thread, and then I saw the last few post you made. To add to it:

Zer, if your true (other) friend hears about this from him, he will understandably be worried. If you feel is is a true, and unshakeable frind talk to him first befor the rumour mill sarts up.
Secondly, if he does tell others how you're feeling and twists it you know exactly why he was your friend. He didn't really care; he just wanted to be able to whinge to someone. You were a convenience to him. As Rex said, be glad he's gone.
Just take the advice I, and the other Forumites gave you. It should help.

Furthermore, if people do avoid you it won't be your fault. Never feel as if it's your fault. Ever! It's his fault. I don't believe people will avoid you because if they treated him as an outcast before then they will probably ignore what he says.
Teenage years are some of the worst in your life, no matter what they say. Your ego, and feelings are on show, and how peolpe see and act towards you now will change you yourself. Please don't take him or any possible repurcussions of a bold, brassy blabbermouth spouting what you entrusted to him in confidentiality to others seriously.
I'm here if you want to talk.

The same goes for anyone who needs to talk. Sometimes talking to an objective stranger, or someoone who doesn't personally know you is best.

[Rajhiim]

Gitman,

Remind Sgt Smith "black books" are illegal. She cannot stockpile "ammunition" on you without paperwork... (IE. documented counseling). Otherwise, she is black-booking which will get her in trouble.

Next - I would review your initial feedback, mid-term feedback (if your supervisor did one) and see if you are "meeting expectations." If you are not, then you are indeed "incompetent." If you are, as I suspect you are, then she is indeed working in an unprofessional manner. I would reccomend a Sgt to Sgt talk, with another NCO present -- preferrably a SNCO -- where you basically bring up the "undermining my NCO authority by ridiculing me in front of my subordinates..."

If your supervisor, or supervisor's supervisor cant solve the problem (of course I am sure there is more than I know about the problem)... Go visit the Super or the First Sgt.

If after all of that you aren't satisfied, inform them you will be filing an IG complaint as a result of ineffective leadership and fear of reciprocity.

If you want to PM more details - I may be of more help.

This will probably be very dull, but I really need to vent.

I hate my job. Or rather, I hate what it's become. When I first took this job, I was put in charge of my section, and given responsibility for its success or failure. The nature of the job changed, and the level of responsibility increased dramatically, as the number of people that fell under my jurisdiction effectively doubled, and I was now reporting to a colonel instead of a lieutenant colonel (I'm a staff sergeant [E-5] in the Air Force, if anyone cares). No promotion for me, mind you, just more work and more brass scrutinizing me. No problem, just some good-natured griping about how I should get another stripe or two on my sleeve, and I took the extra workload in stride, secure in the knowledge that I was making a difference. We got a new staff sergeant in the office who was placed under me, my superiors were happy, and things were going pretty well.

Well, long story short, I spent a certain 14-hour day with no lunch break populating massive amounts of data for a spreadsheet that was due the next day. I made a mistake in the formatting, and I was suddenly missing a big chunk out of my ass. I fixed the mistake in a half-hour, and the deadline was only slipped a couple hours. In that time, though, I was replaced by the new staff sergeant; we'll call her "Sergeant Smith". The superintendent rationalized it by explaining that Sgt Smith outranked me (she'd been a staff sergeant longer) and so she should be in charge of the office. My BS detector went off, because if that were really the reason he wouldn't have waited until I made a mistake to replace me.

Next came the response to the infamous spreadsheet. Since Sgt Smith was my new boss, I had sent the fixed product up the chain through her. In short order, I was CC'd on an e-mail heaping praise on Sgt Smith for a job well done. That she was given credit for my work while I was fired for it was bad enough, but CC-ing me on that e-mail had no purpose except to deliver a personal twist of the knife.

Since then (this was a couple months ago) I've tried to bear my fate with as much dignity as possible, but I've been shunted to the position of scapegoat. "Something went wrong? Must be Sgt Gitman's fault!" It's been a steady downward spiral ever since, especially since that initial kick in the guts effectively destroyed my motivation. I'm a firm believer that one should concentrate on what one does rather than what happens to him, but it's a lot harder in practice than in theory.

Today I found out that Sgt Smith has been systematically dripping poison in all my co-workers' ears about how incompetent I am, ever since the spreadsheet incident. This partially explains why it's been so much harder for me to get anything accomplished recently, since my job depends very heavily on dealing with other people. It also fills me with mind-numbing rage, because she's been sabotaging my ability to work effectively, and then blaming me when things don't get done on time.

Part of her propaganda campaign has involved making subtly contemptuous remarks about me in front of my subordinates. I confronted her directly about this today, since it's extremely unprofessional and destroys my credibility, and she told me straight out, "I don't really care how you feel about it. And if you want to go to our superintendent about it, go right ahead. I have plenty of ammunition to use against you, because I've talked to him every time I've had an issue with you, which has been a lot." Needless to say, she never brought a single one of these "issues" up with me.

So, now I know that she's been consolidating her power base and poisoning our superiors against me, too. If this has been going on ever since she came into the office, without my knowledge, my credibility is gone, without me even seeing it go. As much as I hate to admit it, I feel helpless against that level of malice. Especially since I can't even understand her motives for it.

Yes, we have office politics, even in the military. Now I think I understand why C.S. Lewis, in the Screwtape Letters, imagined hell as a bureaucracy. My job satisfaction is at an all-time low, my stress is at an all-time high, I have no immediate hope of escape, and I have a headache as I'm writing this. At least it's Friday.

Thanks for listening, if you got this far. It's been a trial to say the least.

[zeratul]

Gah, guys, I do want to just go up to him and say, your closed minded screw you, and walk away. But I'm kind by nature. It'd be hard for me to do it.

[Sean92k]

Gah, guys, I do want to just go up to him and say, your closed minded screw you, and walk away. But I'm kind by nature. It'd be hard for me to do it.

Some times you just have to go against your nature and do what you need to. I'm shy and quiet by nature but I have shouted at enough jerks to know shy and quiet doesn't get stuff done. Good luck with what ever you decide to do

[Hell Puppi]

Gah, guys, I do want to just go up to him and say, your closed minded screw you, and walk away. But I'm kind by nature. It'd be hard for me to do it.

Okay, I'm going to relate this to a story of mine that happened rather recently.

I was pissed at someone, for good reason, and had not talked to said person in over a year. I saw him working at a store very close to my own work (in the mall, you can can run into anyone there) and decided to give him a piece of my mind.
I walked in the store, and as soon as he said hi, what did I do? I wussed out. I acted friendly and even said if he wanted to talk I was free.
Then I get backstabbed. Hard. I'm not going to relate the entire incident, but I'm just saying to matter how nice you are please summon the courage to say exactly what you feel and not what your own kindness dictates you should. Maybe he'll snap out of it and realize his own selfishness if you do.
Not saying you swear at him or anything, but give an open appraisal of how you feel. If anything it'll make you feel better in the long run that you did everything you could.

[sktarq]

I'd feel guilty about dumping my problems in a complete stranger's lap, and then there's my trust issues, and the fact that this problem is particularly embarrasing...

Well. There are several people here who'd probably be happy to try at least. Several of us have INVITED such acts-so it is not exactly a "dumping" of your issues on the colective our laps. Pick someone whose advise you've seen here (and like) and PM just them if you want.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I thought I was doing okay. Medical problems, while in the foreground, have not been nearly as major as they could be. Mentally...well, I remain a bit fragile after certain issues, but I'm getting back to where I should be...

Sp today, I am minding my own business, sitting at my computer, delving into WoW...and there it is, in my right eye. A dark spot growing larger by the minute, snaking it's way into my vision, a strange three dimensional shadow that that moves with every movement of my eyeball.

It's a hemmorhage. Another one, mere months after having laser therapy to repair the last bleed. These leaking blood vessels are a part of diabetic retinopathy. The vessels that are supposed to be working have sealed themselves off. My eyes are craving blood, oxygen. So new vessels spring into place...but they don't belong there. They're not as strong as the originals. So they burst.

What was once tiny dark spots in my vision have become much larger in the last year. It's as though my eyes are desperate to shut down and be done with looking at the world.

Too late to call the eye doctor. They'll do nothing for me at an emergency room. I have to wait until morning.

I'm just so freaking scared right now. And all I can do is sit here and cry, as I worry myself silly about my world literally going dark.

[Xykon_Fan]

Wow...I was thinking about posting something here about being stressed out by my dad's expectations of me for college...but now it seems so trivial. I'm really sorry this is happening to you Bor...you seem like way too nice of a guy to deserve all the crap that happens to you. Ah well...through trials you build character and become complete. Maybe that's why you easily seem like one of the nicest, honorable people ever.

Bor: Be Well...Be Well

[Alarra]

I....oh....*hugs Bor*

I'm sorry that you have to go through all the difficulties that you do. I have no idea what to say or of anyway I could possibly help, but I would, if I could. Your post actually brought tears to my eyes. I know what it's like to have your vision go black and think you're going blind and it is scary as hell and I wish I could help at all.

*hugs again*

[PhallicWarrior]

*thinks of hugging Bor, decides that a pat on the back is more appropriate, then does so*

In all seriousness, I'm going to build a better human. Eyes, ears, muscles, bones, all the internal organs, I've got ideas for all of it. The tech already exists, so I'll get you some eyes with nightvision ASAP.



*Hugs Bor anyway*

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Thank you, those who've posted thus far...Understand that what I was looking for is exactly what you've been giving. Words of sympathy and caring work synergistically with Xanax. I'm calmed some, and even felt a little warmth overtake the cold terror that was gripping my heart.

Thank you.

[DarkLightDragon]

I wish I could say something useful to all the people having problems here...

*hugs everyone. and another hug for Bor*

[Serpentine]

Well. There are several people here who'd probably be happy to try at least. Several of us have INVITED such acts-so it is not exactly a "dumping" of your issues on the colective our laps. Pick someone whose advise you've seen here (and like) and PM just them if you want.

I'm one of those. Though I should point out that I probably don't have all that much "life experience"... I'm pretty empathetic, though? I should also direct you to my last post in the Relationships thread where I outline some of my inherent bias. Hm. Not a good advertisement for being PMed with problems... I'm told I'm a good listener?

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Wow...I was thinking about posting something here about being stressed out by my dad's expectations of me for college...but now it seems so trivial. I'm really sorry this is happening to you Bor...you seem like way too nice of a guy to deserve all the crap that happens to you. Ah well...through trials you build character and become complete. Maybe that's why you easily seem like one of the nicest, honorable people ever.

Bor: Be Well...Be Well

Okay...Emergency appointment set up, and I'm awaiting the doctor to receive a faxed approval from insurance. I'm glaf people started jumping through hoops for me when I explained that that which wasn't dark in my right eye is now extremely blurred. With the help of anxiety meds and the soothing care of friends, I'm a bit calmer today.

Now, XF, as to your issues, without having details, you must understand a parent's point of view. They want the best for their children. My father is in the habit of reminding me that I'm a failure. Oddly, I recognize this as his way of showing love. It hurts like heck and stresses me to no end, but I know it stems from love, which is why I still love him.

Take te comments and demands in stride. Head to college with the intent of doing your best. Keep the partying to a minimum, focus on your education, and come back with the best grades you possibly can. After a semester or two of what can only be success, (as you will have done your best, right?), you can show your dad the transcript of your grades and tell him to relax.

Hey, it's a possible plan. I can only pray you don't experience what some of my friends did when they went to college. They discovered various substances were much more easily obtained in college, and their educations became a blurred memory in the haze of illegal garbage.

[Lord Herman]

*Bor-huggity*

Why does bad stuff always have to happen to good people

[smellie_hippie]

I... he... we should... I thought he'd just........
Damn Bor. You win.

I have no words for your natural ability to be there for others despite what you are going through at this very minute! I tip my hat to you sir. Feel free to be humbled and embarrassed at the spectacle, but trust me.... you deserve it! I hope things all work out well for you. I hope your already having gone through this procedure will make it a little easier to tolerate.

Gitman: I think you have already gotten the best advice out there. If the accusations are unfounded, it's criminal for someone to keep a "black book" against you. Take it right up the ladder man.

Zeratul: I do not envy you being put into a position of such discomfort. Just bear in mind that if you pull yourself out of it the hard way, you are the bigger person.

*hugs for everyone*

[MountainKing]

To begin... In short, I've displayed symptoms of depression since I was four (when I started kindergarten), anti-social/defiance disorders since I was seven (though being anti-social started sooner), and I was actually diagnosed with depression when I was twelve. The doctor wanted to put me on anti-depressants, but my dad had done his homework, and absolutely refused.

I got put on St. John's Wort instead, and after about six months, life was livable again. Fast forward through a relatively rocky middle-high school life where a lot of change happened extremely fast (a decade of unlearned socio-psychological learning and ability, to be brief), and here I am today. For the most part, I've sort of adjusted to having depression (which is kind of sad, and a little weird to say). It kind of works out on its own on a day to day basis. Some days are normal (because my neutral state is depressed and hiding it), and then other days are fantastic because I have things in my day to keep my mind busy.

It's pretty much why I enjoy writing so much. I'm an emotional, even moody, person, and with depression to fuel my creativity, I can focus on something I enjoy without feeling my usual undercurrent of garbage.

I guess that's kind of my point; that reading and writing have helped me get through my entire life, along with my love of theatre that started a few years ago. So my advice would be to find something to use as a creative outlet; something that is both fuelable and a focus. It's rewarding, and I know it helped me through a lot.

[Xykon_Fan]

Okay...Emergency appointment set up, and I'm awaiting the doctor to receive a faxed approval from insurance. I'm glaf people started jumping through hoops for me when I explained that that which wasn't dark in my right eye is now extremely blurred. With the help of anxiety meds and the soothing care of friends, I'm a bit calmer today.

Now, XF, as to your issues, without having details, you must understand a parent's point of view. They want the best for their children. My father is in the habit of reminding me that I'm a failure. Oddly, I recognize this as his way of showing love. It hurts like heck and stresses me to no end, but I know it stems from love, which is why I still love him.

Take te comments and demands in stride. Head to college with the intent of doing your best. Keep the partying to a minimum, focus on your education, and come back with the best grades you possibly can. After a semester or two of what can only be success, (as you will have done your best, right?), you can show your dad the transcript of your grades and tell him to relax.

Hey, it's a possible plan. I can only pray you don't experience what some of my friends did when they went to college. They discovered various substances were much more easily obtained in college, and their educations became a blurred memory in the haze of illegal garbage.

Thanks, Bor. I actually started feeling a lot better when my mom was talking to my brother and (through a train of thought too long to really flesh out unless you really want me to) I realized that my dad is kind of one of those people who's forgotten how to have fun. Once I realized that, I decided my mom and older brother's advice was probably closer to the ideal than his.

See, he told me that what he wanted me to do was "Work really hard, keep on working, and when your work is all done...work some more." (Man, even thinking about it and re-hearing the memory gets my heart rate up and my stress levels inordinately high.) It looked as though I wouldn't have any time whatsoever to rest and recuperate. I even adopted this way of thinking, but after nearly having a meltdown yesterday as I thought about the practicality of how that would work, I started to realize that my plan, in my own words, was to "Burn myself each semester, come home on breaks for a slight rest, and burn all the way through myself the next semester." Needless to say, I didn't think it healthy. I realize his motives are to keep me from making some of the mistakes my older brother made early on in his college life, since my parents are pouring a ton of money into me so I can go to this particular university. I also realize that what he's suggesting prevents me from ever looking around at the wonderful university I'm going to. My college days, like your friends', would be a blur, but not because I had done drugs, because I had wasted myself in the effort for perfection and then some.

Thanks for your comfort. I'm really glad you're getting somewhere and feeling better. You really are a great guy, and you deserve everything anyone on this board has said about you. (Oh, and I don't think you're a failure. You have succeeded in areas it seems many...including your father...have not.)

[Hoggy]

Whilst I am not going blind or am about to kill myself or anything, I'm in a sufficiently bad mood that I want to post here because so many small things keep coming up that they've made like a katamari and gone all colossal like, so I'm going to kvetch for a bit. And yes, kvetch iz my noo feyvrut wurd seence I adopt'd it.

For the past couple months, my exzema has resurfaced. It started around when pressure for my exams really built up, so I put it down to that, and assumed that it'd be gone after that, got on with life, has a fun time, so on so forth.

Skip to last couple of weeks, which physical-pain wise, have been hell. Neck, arms and back are all covered in weeping sores because I cannot stop scratching. I will wake up in the middle of the night already scratching, I don't sleep much as it is, but I assume that over the last couple of weeks of gone from about 4 hours a night to about 1, maybe 2. This has made me very irritable and drawn.People have commented on me as such, though I try to hide it.

It hurts to wear even a tshirt, and for the last couple weeks I've been staying away in my room wearing nothing but a towel/a pair of shorts, unless I have work or band. I cannot fully strecth my arms/neck without them hurting. The three new steroids I've been prescribed have done nothing yet, making it worse if anything.

Despite it being summer, and the weather being awesome the last couple of weeks, I have not been out once, because of shame. My friends are a bunch of *******s and will take the piss, and my temper is too frayed right now to deal with it, plus I'd have a load of tourists gawking at the scars. I hate tourists, and would probably end up assaulting one of them. I certainly feel like it.

My TV exploded today, another £100 for a new one that I don't have. I'm in debt to various people as it is. Yay.

As I mentioned above, hurts to move my arms/neck. Which is ****ing brilliant because my driving test is next week, and I need to be able to drive. I live in the middle of nowhere. But it's gonna be hard to pass a test, when it takes a lot of efforet and endurance just to look behind me.

I was gonna ask out the girl who I'm still in love with, but I don't think I'll bother right now. I've not changed in one aspect, and got a lot worse in another, so there goes that plan.

I hate my life. It might seem petty, there are people worse off, I don't care. Mine could still be better.

Kvetch over.

[Siwenna]

Exzema sucks. I used to get it on my upper lip and around my nose every winter. Oddly enough, my skin has actually improved since I became a teenager. I used some sort of antibiotic ointment, which helped a lot. Skin moisturizer also helped sooth my skin, so I didn't scratch as much. I'm really sorry you have to deal with that.

Don't get another TV now, if you don't have the money. I've never really watched TV, so maybe I just don't know what I'm missing, but it sounds like you'll be better off saving the money.

Bor, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with everything you're dealing with. You sound like such an amazing guy. I really hope everything works out with you're vision and that your overall situation improves. I envy your ability to cope with, and remain unresentful towards, life. Good luck!

[Serpentine]

For heaven's sake Hoggy, see a doctor. Well, you're taking drugs for it so presumably you've already seen one... But if you've been on them for a while and it's not helping see a new one, or go to the old one and tell them it's not working! I only ever got exzma on the inside of my elbows, but that alone was bad enough. Can't imagine how horrible it'd be to have it all over...
Can't you reschedule your driving test?