The Depression Thread

[eidreff]

@Bor

Heh, know how that is. I play in the woods a lot and in ponds and generally mucky places. This means that any cuts (however tiny) need disinfecting. I nearly lost an arm earlier this year due to lymphangitis (like blood poisoning but in the lymph system). I know it won't help, but don't do it again.

There the paternal bit in me is done.

Seriously though, take care and do not leave unless you really feel you have to. I don't contribute much here, but i've seen a helluva lot of good advice from you that other people can benefit from. I'd miss your posting and I think everyone else would too.

@Ego

Have you cahnged anything recently? Diet, execise regime, even water supply!

Coffee cold be a culprit especially if you have become sensetized to it over time (i have a friend who used to keep bees who became so senzetised that another sting could kill him!) More so if yo don't eat. Don't quote me but I think that there is a natural body reaction to the initial stages of under nourishment that can lead to heightened "alertness" paranoia, reaction time changes and slightly irrational behaviour. I'm no doctor but regular balanced food, lots of water and sleep always do me good. Have you been dieting? This can cause some strange things to happen to people from what i've seen.

[potatocubed]

And one other thing: there is always time to figure out what you want to do with your life, even twenty years beyond the end of your education.

QFT. The man knows of what he speaks.

Life isn't so much a path as it's a series of islands a la Super Mario Brothers. You hop from one to another, trying to get to a goal - a magic mushroom, an extra life, whatever - that you can see on screen but aren't quite sure how to arrive at. Some platforms have hazards on. Some will open up underneath you. Some will only bear your weight for a little while. Some are completely safe and out of the way. Some have power-ups, obvious or hidden. The thing is, you only get to play Super Mario Life once. You just keep hopping, trying to rack up as high a score as possible and trusting skill and luck to see you through.

In a sense, The Depression Thread is kind of like playing with a whole bunch of spectators going "Look! Mushroom over there!" "Hey, I've done this bit before - go left, go left!" "Stay on that platform until the flying turtle's gone past then run right." and so on and so forth.

Wait... that wasn't even vaguely relevant, was it?

[PhoeKun]

Wait... that wasn't even vaguely relevant, was it?

If it's not, I think it's at least worth enough awesome points for a free pass. No harm done...

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I have seen the doctor, and the semi-official word is that the second bone in the big toe is BROKEN! The surface fracture appears to run length-wise, without effecting the ends of the bone. Now, why is this only semi-official? Well, I've been banged up before, and I've seen such things in my x-rays. It's possible that the line we're seeing is NOT a fracture, and so...we wait. The doc will take another x-ray in three weeks. If there's a calcium cloud around the bone, then we know for sure it's broken. Until then, we treat it like a break. And how do we treat a broken toe, specifically the kind that I have? Stay off it. That's it.

Thus, I will not be playing in the playground. I'll be on a bench, making sure you kids play nice.

[Hell Puppi]

WoOo! Playing nice! *glomps Bor*


*looking down* Opps...sorrry



Edit: Potatocubed, your Super Mario reference was so awesome it's now on my myspace.

[Micate]

*sigh* Loneliness sucks.


I need to find me some friends.

[DarkLightDragon]

I'm not the person to comment on the loneliness thing, so I won't.

Speaking of that, though, I've started feeling lonely also, which annoys me greatly as I am not a social person. I don't want to interact with people, yet I feel this loneliness. WHY?! WHY ME?!

The final term of the school year has started for us Aussies. A lot of us, anyway. We have a different school system to other places.

Anyway, I was scared ****less the night before for reasons some of you may know and that I currently do not feel like explaining to those who don't.

I was fine during the holiday break, but after coming back to school, everything is going downhill again. I spent the whole day feeling mega-pissed for no apparent reason, and I'm still mega-pissed now. Everything seems to be going wrong. People are already *****ing at each other, some teachers have already become extremely annoying, I've been ignored, my body temperature is up AGAIN, I'm tired as hell, my meds aren't helping, the list goes on.

I hate everything right now. I need to vent. But I'm not sure how. Posting this here has helped, but I'm still very angry.

[sktarq]

DLD: Have you ever thought of taking up a martial art? Not for the whole sports thing but for getting rid of stress and angst? For allot of people hitting a kickpad REALLY hard on a regular basis is a good thing. Plus all those positive endorphins and such.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

@ Micate: I feel your pain, but in my own way. My lack of friends and social skills has me feeling exceptionally lonely. The worst part of it, I think, is that my loneliness is purely by my own design. The thought process goes like this:

1. I have so much baggage that I come with my own baggage handler.
2. I don't need anymore baggage.
3. I tell people about 1 and 2 in detail.
4. They wander out of my life because of 1 and/or 2.

I don't want someone else's baggage. They don't want my baggage. Thus, all baggage remains with the appropriate parties, and I'm left all alone.

Well, that's not completely true. One of the key phrases in my life has been, "Never alone; always lonely." It's moments in my life life this when I wish there was someone around, a REAL friend, that could watch over me. When I say "REAL friend," I'm not speaking of the difference between online and offline. The "friends" I have now are not quite friends.

Despite my accident-prone-self proving once again that I cannot walk through an empty parking lot without injuring myself, I seem to be the one lending the most aid to others. My nextdoor neighbor had a violent blowout with a friend, so I check up on her from time to time. Another neighbor a few doors down is having circulation issues with her legs, so despite my broken toe, I'm the one that offers to make a market limp (as opposed to run) for her she she needs it. My neighbors across the complex have four kids that tend to start playing out of the line of sight (made infinitely easier for the kids, when mom and dad close their door and blinds so often). When their youngest started asking strangers for cookies, I escorted the three-year-old back home and reported the scary situation.

These people are not my friends; I'm simply friendly with them.

But here I am...Broken toed, scraped up, feeling my depression more and more because of these damnable pain meds that I actually need. What I really want is people that will check up on me. I want someone to help take care of me. Amd the worst...those lonely nights when I simply want to be held.

Maybe I'm not much of a "man" for confessing these things. Then again, maybe I'm more of a man for having the guts to confess them.

[13_CBS]

Hmm...I have an interesting conundrum. I've been cutting off pretty much all contact with my friends on top of the other problems I've mentioned a few pages back. I could easily solve this simply by gritting my teeth and going off to be more social...but I don't want to. The loneliness is making me absolutely cold, numb, and miserable, but a part of me almost wants to keep it up.

Am I becoming an emotional masochist?

[Thes Hunter]

Hmm...I have an interesting conundrum. I've been cutting off pretty much all contact with my friends on top of the other problems I've mentioned a few pages back. I could easily solve this simply by gritting my teeth and going off to be more social...but I don't want to. The loneliness is making me absolutely cold, numb, and miserable, but a part of me almost wants to keep it up.

Am I becoming an emotional masochist?

I am not a doctor, but I feel that is a clear example of a biochemical imbalance raging in your brain.

Because you feel lonely, you are driving everyone away, and this actually feels a bit 'good' to you. I would suggest chatting with some sort of consular. I am sure they could give you much better insight on this instead of all of us on da internets.

[Closet_Skeleton]

Maybe I'm not much of a "man" for confessing these things. Then again, maybe I'm more of a man for having the guts to confess them.

I never understood this whole 'masculinity' thing. When I get upset, I start to think about every bad trait of mine and every mistake I've made, and masculinity never comes into it.

Maybe I just didn't have pay enough attention to other people's attitudes when I was younger. It's probably better to have one less thing to worry about anyway.

[DarkLightDragon]

DLD: Have you ever thought of taking up a martial art? Not for the whole sports thing but for getting rid of stress and angst? For allot of people hitting a kickpad REALLY hard on a regular basis is a good thing. Plus all those positive endorphins and such.

I like that idea, but I'm not exactly fit at the moment.

My cat is meowing at me. I feel like kicking him. But I'm just going to ignore him.

Oh, and all that crap I'm going through? It just got worse. Today, minutes after the school day started, everyone in my year group is gathered in one place, and the principal is talking to us. What about? One of the students from our year group, let's call her B, has a brain tumour, which we have known for some time, but it turns out it can't be treated and she is under palliative care. It's not known how long B will live-it could be weeks or months. Right now she is spending quality time with her family and she's amazingly positive about everything. Inspiring, but I'm not in the mood to be positive right now.

I've known B for years. I wasn't particularly close to her-we didn't even hang out. But we went to the same primary school and I'm pretty badly affected by what's happening.

Anyway, I've been a wreck today. I've broken down to tears quite a few times and been extremely *****y to everyone. I ended up going home early, as a few other students did. I'm having headaches, a sore throat, finding it hard to breathe, panicking, a whole bunch of stuff. I even nearly ended up beating myself with a drink bottle shortly before typing this. It's probably a good thing dad was in the room at the same time or I probably would have done so.

There are people to talk to at school, who I have talked to, but I still feel... bad... It's good that B's enjoying the time she has left, which I hope she continues to enjoy, and I'm happy for her because of that, but I'm also very sad that this is happening to her...

[Serpentine]

DLD, if your emotions are being screwy and you can't properly pinpoint the reason, I suggest that you go talk to a doctor to find out whether it's a medical problem. As for B, it might help you a little to go visit and talk to her. Just because you weren't really friends doesn't mean you shouldn't care, and doesn't mean she won't appreciate your presence. You never know, if nothing else it might put things in perspective for you.

[13_CBS]

I am not a doctor, but I feel that is a clear example of a biochemical imbalance raging in your brain.

Because you feel lonely, you are driving everyone away, and this actually feels a bit 'good' to you. I would suggest chatting with some sort of consular. I am sure they could give you much better insight on this instead of all of us on da internets.

Oh geez, is it that bad?

I'm really not sure my family has the financial resources to send me to a psychiatrist, or, if you're talking about something else, be able to handle the "shame" of going to a counselor. (Yes, I say "shame" because my family's not really the type to feel compassion for people with mental problems, only disdain and contempt).

[Rex Idiotarum]

Welcome to life, which always game overs, you can never get to the end credits. Or the surprise bonus cutscene afterwards.

Really, there's not much comfort I can give you, but ask yourself this, if you were that girl, with but a few months to live, would you have everyone grieving as if you were already dead?

Hell no, you'd party like it was the end of the world, you attempt to do all the experiences that you would otherwise be passed up.

Cancer and AIDs, though slow and painful, and eventually debilitating, at least has that going for them. The girl got warning. If she's Religious, she's just going home, and has time to pack. If she's not so religious, then she has a chance to say goodbye to everyone.

Unlike, say, if she died in a car accident, like a few of the kids at my school did. ((I really only interacted with one before, but I never had a real talk with them, and my reputation of uncaring ass@#$% demands that I just have to shrug it off as if I didn't know her.)) Or people who die in a heart attack or a stroke.

My suggestion, since she doesn't seem too down about it, talk to her if you are able, you might find that she may cheer you up. I'm guessing she may be religious by the way she seems pretty positive, even in the face of Death. ((I know I wouldn't be so positive about meeting Death, I don't like having to endure his horrible puns.)) She may actually cheer you up about it.

Remember, there are 5 stages of grief, and she's either in denial or in acceptance.

Lastly, if all that doesn't work, then I implore you to accept life and the fact that it is not made perfect, you can either obsess over all the imperfections in it, failure, death, weakness, illness, your own cloud and bubble that prevents you from letting the people you need in or out, and just say screw it.

I hope, if there's anything that you learn from this, anything at all, it's that Life is Short. Too short for grief. Too short for isolation. Too short for anything.

I'm comfortable with the fact, that, should I die tomorrow, I wouldn't regret anything, I'd just be pissed that I was taken before I could put my mark on the world. Could you say the same?

[Thes Hunter]

Oh geez, is it that bad?

I'm really not sure my family has the financial resources to send me to a psychiatrist, or, if you're talking about something else, be able to handle the "shame" of going to a counselor. (Yes, I say "shame" because my family's not really the type to feel compassion for people with mental problems, only disdain and contempt).

I would begin by speaking to your school's nurse about it. Make sure to tell her about your family's stigma. And see if she/he can recommend any resources to you.

But yeah, mental health is not covered as it should be in this country. A chemical imbalance in the brain that leads to depression is much the same as someone who has heartburn because their stomach produces too much acid. It's a shame that this culture blames the person for one illness but not the other.

[Amotis]

*sigh* Loneliness sucks.


I need to find me some friends.

I'm a SD person too. If you ever want to hang out with my groups my friend's and I would be happy to help. We've got several larps going on (the changeling balboa ones you've probably heard about as well as some others), more then a few table top groups I can hook you up with, and just general SoCal dealings. I'm personally 19 as well are my closer friends but the general group age seems to be 22-24 so I think if you wanna join us in any of our activities drop me a PM or IM.

[Lappy9000]

You just gotta try your best to always look on the bright side!

Sounds cheesy but it's true! For example, my doctor recently diagnosed me with deslexia. I look him straight in the eye and said with confidence, "Lesdexia? Sensenon!"

(In all seriousness, though, humor is the best medicine for depression )

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Okay...some people may have noticed that I'm becoming very...un-Bor-like.

There are two reasons for this. The first is that I'm off my meds. I would have seen the doc and gotten refills, but my broken self got in the way of that. I called to tell them that I needed refills, and was told that if my pharmacy called, there wouldn't be a problem. And guess what? There was a problem! Add to this that, having called to cancel the psych appointment, I received a call to tell me that I missed my psych appointment.

The second reason are my pain meds. For all intents and pruposes, they are depressants. Just one more reason I hate taking these damnable things.

This is where I start losing the fight, folks. I hate being in this kind of emotional shape. 'Tis a dangerous time for the barbarian monk, as he tends to start being hunted by his very self.

[DarkLightDragon]

I'm mostly over my "Oh crap, someone's gonna die!" thing, but I'm still not quite in the mood to respond to comments yet. However, I have read them, and would like to say thanks. So... thanks!

*gives Bor a hug due to not knowing what to say*

[Micate]

Okay...some people may have noticed that I'm becoming very...un-Bor-like.

There are two reasons for this. The first is that I'm off my meds. I would have seen the doc and gotten refills, but my broken self got in the way of that. I called to tell them that I needed refills, and was told that if my pharmacy called, there wouldn't be a problem. And guess what? There was a problem! Add to this that, having called to cancel the psych appointment, I received a call to tell me that I missed my psych appointment.

The second reason are my pain meds. For all intents and pruposes, they are depressants. Just one more reason I hate taking these damnable things.

This is where I start losing the fight, folks. I hate being in this kind of emotional shape. 'Tis a dangerous time for the barbarian monk, as he tends to start being hunted by his very self.

Hang in there Bor. We believe in you!

*to everyone* All together now!

We think you can!
We think you can!
We think you can!
We think you can!
We think you can!
We ...

Scratch that, we KNOW you can!

Get better soon.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Okay. folks...Serious stuff here. I know some will worry. Some will panic. Others will shrug and move on.

I was able to get my meds, and am in the process of getting back on them. it's going to take several weeks for them to get to the levels they need to be at. That's where the good news stops.

I have reached my low point, and I am fighting fiercely not to let it overcome me. I'm hanging on to my virtual sense of humor so tightly that my virtual knuckles are white. Every waking moment is spent wishing I was dead, or at least asleep and not facing the day at all. I shun people, and become irrtated when I'm forced to interact with them in real life. While posting here, I feel as though my posts are moronic, possibly insulting (with specific apologies to Serpentine in the Crush'd thread), and I have abandoned many of the drafts that I was going to submit. The same applies to a dozen PMs that I never sent.

My saving grace has been Nike, who needs me to get out of bed and feed her. Otherwise, I really don't want to do anything with my day...at all. I don't enjoy the things I once enjoyed doing. Where I thought I was being helpful, I feel as though I've been spouting gibberish.

People seem to think I'm some kind of savior that has come to visit the internet. It's a touching thought. This, however, is the "savior" needing to be saved. I'm not screaming for help, necessarily...just trying to make people aware that my ship is sinking, and I'm bailing water as fast as I possibly can.

[bluewind95]

I definitely understand how you must be feeling right now, Bor.

My words are probably not enough to help, but...

I may not have been posting here for very long, but I've watched. I've been a lurker for a few months. I've gotten to notice a few people in my lurking.

You're one of them. And you've stuck me as the kind of person who's nice(this coming from a person who's generally terrified of people). And nice people are people who are well-worth their space and air in this world and the kind of people that the world should have more of. So I pray that you can see this and feel better about yourself.

I wish that I could help, somehow. It really stirs me to see people who are nice and kind feel that way about themselves. So... my prayers go for you, Bor.

[Raiser Blade]

Sigh, today sucked.

First i just found out some bad news about this girl i used to be friends with. Turns out she got pregnant a while back. She is only 14. The only reason i heard was because she miscarried her baby.

So young...


I used to like this girl about 2 years ago....


Oh yeah and i also found out today that my grandpa has a degenerative eye condition and will be blind in a few years.

My emotions are going nuts right now...



Also *hugs bor*

[Lemur]

Oh geez, is it that bad?

I'm really not sure my family has the financial resources to send me to a psychiatrist, or, if you're talking about something else, be able to handle the "shame" of going to a counselor. (Yes, I say "shame" because my family's not really the type to feel compassion for people with mental problems, only disdain and contempt).

I'm not entirely certain it's all due to something as simple as a chemical imbalance (it rarely ever is), although there might be some of that going on. It would probably benefit you to try thinking about your situation in different terms. I'm sure you have friends who care about you, but aren't sure how to approach you, and anyone who tries to tell you your feelings are trivial doesn't have anything to say worth taking seriously. Just being able to say what's on you're mind would probably help a lot (easier said than done, I know- I agonize over how everything I write will be taken. But it does work). Talking to a counselor would be a good thing, but if that's not viable, that's what we're here for.

DLD: Read this when you're ready. It'll probably mean a bit more when you're feeling more stabilized:

Spoiler

Show

DLD: Have you ever thought of taking up a martial art? Not for the whole sports thing but for getting rid of stress and angst? For allot of people hitting a kickpad REALLY hard on a regular basis is a good thing. Plus all those positive endorphins and such.

I like that idea, but I'm not exactly fit at the moment.

Does anything seem odd about this response? I'd say that not being fit is a good reason to take up a physical activity, not a reason to avoid one.

Personally, I've been feeling kinda blah lately, reaching the two thirds point in the term. I'm more likely to feel anxiety than depression, so for me it's not so much a positive/negative problem as it is taking things too seriously. It's a lot easier to complete a task if I don't think it's important, but even if I think a relatively simple task is important, (in this case, college transfer applications), I'll invariably try to avoid it. I'm not in trouble quite yet, but I just wanted to say that.

[banjo1985]

Okay. folks...Serious stuff here. I know some will worry. Some will panic. Others will shrug and move on.

I was able to get my meds, and am in the process of getting back on them. it's going to take several weeks for them to get to the levels they need to be at. That's where the good news stops.

I have reached my low point, and I am fighting fiercely not to let it overcome me. I'm hanging on to my virtual sense of humor so tightly that my virtual knuckles are white. Every waking moment is spent wishing I was dead, or at least asleep and not facing the day at all. I shun people, and become irrtated when I'm forced to interact with them in real life. While posting here, I feel as though my posts are moronic, possibly insulting (with specific apologies to Serpentine in the Crush'd thread), and I have abandoned many of the drafts that I was going to submit. The same applies to a dozen PMs that I never sent.

My saving grace has been Nike, who needs me to get out of bed and feed her. Otherwise, I really don't want to do anything with my day...at all. I don't enjoy the things I once enjoyed doing. Where I thought I was being helpful, I feel as though I've been spouting gibberish.

People seem to think I'm some kind of savior that has come to visit the internet. It's a touching thought. This, however, is the "savior" needing to be saved. I'm not screaming for help, necessarily...just trying to make people aware that my ship is sinking, and I'm bailing water as fast as I possibly can.

Bor, I can't even begin to understand how your feeling right now, but after the help and kind words you've given so many people on this thread I think it's the least we can do to try and give some kind words back to you while you're feeling so low. I have no experience with depression or the medication issues involved with it, so I'll just stick to other things, as I don't want to suggest things I know nothing about.

I think SurlySeraph said it much more eloquently in your signature than I ever could, but he is completely right. It's obvious from your posts that you are a bright and unbelievably caring individual that I think most people on this forum would be honoured to have as a friend. You've been a shining beacon of sound advice for a lot of people here in the depths of depression, I just hope others more experienced in the situation than I will answer you in your time of need.

Finally, just try your hardest to keep bailing that water and keep the ship afloat. Hopefully the meds will start to do their stuff soon and that you'll feel at least a little better and more able to engage the people around you both here and in RL.

Just hang in there Bor....Nike needs feeding!

Oh, and massive huggles from a well-meaning but ultimately fairly unhelpful forumite

[SurlySeraph]

Okay. Usually just reading this thread makes me un-depressed, by reminding me that no matter how my problems seem, they're not nearly as bad as pretty much anyone else's. My family's got more money than we need and they're very supportive of me, I don't really have any enemies, I never really feel lonely, I get good grades, I don't have to worry about getting a job, I don't get injured much, etc.

Nonetheless, mentally I'm not in a very good state right now.
It's my last year of high school. This semester is basically all that counts, it's the only thing I can control now. And I just don't care anymore. I always used to do all my work in advance, work really hard in all of my classes, spend most of my spare time studying. But I don't care anymore, and I'm not trying anymore. And what makes it worse is that I don't care that I don't care. Normally, doing what I know is wrong makes me feel guilty, which makes me do what I'm supposed to. But it doesn't seem like anything is important anymore. Yesterday I was working on math, and I just started asking myself why I was doing it. Why I was trying to get a good grade. Why I wanted to go to a good college. Why I wanted to be able to help people. Why I wanted to help people. Why I was doing anything at all. And I couldn't find a good enough answer. I'm religious, and I want to do good for the world, but I feel like being good doesn't matter anymore. I feel like I deserve to go to Hell, and I don't care about making myself not deserve to go to Hell. I don't care about myself, I don't care about anyone. Everything just seems so meaningless. I just don't see a reason for anything anymore.
This brings me to another point. My mental health has never been too good. I got mediocre grades until 9th grade (even though everyone I know thinks I'm smart), when my mom decided to get me diagnosed with ADHD and put me on Ritalin. My grades shot up. I've been depressed off and on pretty much since kindergarden. I used to think I might be bipolar, since I was depressed a lot of the time and acted like a complete idiot whenever I was happy (which, in turn, made me depressed again!). Eventually I managed to break that pattern, though. Early this summer, I read an article on schizophrenia. I had every symptom they mentioned. I did some research, and I'm pretty sure I'm schizophrenic. It explains a lot of my behavioral stuff - being depressed, flat affect, how I have trouble carrying on a conversation, everything about me. It also explains something I have that I hadn't really thought about before and that I hadn't thought might be a problem. When I'm in really tough or frightening situations, it's like I can feel my mind splitting into pieces. I can hear what I'm thinking, but it's not me thinking, it's like there are several people there. The example I remember the most clearly is one time when I was intending to cut myself on my thumb (as penance for something I did, I don't normally hurt myself). There was one part of me thinking "This is crazy! Why the hell are you doing this?! This is going to hurt! Don't let it hurt!" There was one part of me thinking "You promised this to God. You're supposed to do it. Do it." And then there was one part of me thinking "Why stop at your thumb? Your throat is right there."
Normally, the second of those parts of my personality (which I think of as "the drone") is the one that's in charge. I do the work I'm supposed to, I get ahead, I'm not happy but I'm responsible enough that I never do anything that'll make me really unhappy. I try to be in complete control of myself at all times, and it's worked out for me pretty well. However, right now the third one (which I think of as "the destroyer") is in charge.
At the end of the first week of school, it basically hijacked my mind. I was lying in bed trying to sleep, thinking about this girl I like, and I could hear the destroyer saying that I was never going to be with her. She's the most perfect girl you'll ever meet, and you missed your chance with her. After this year ends, you'll never see her again. It was painful allowing myself to hear these thoughts, but I let myself hear them. I could've gotten up and read something to get my mind off of it, but I didn't. I was looking at the light coming in from the window, and I knew that there was hope, that I could be a good person, that I could change. And the destroyer wanted me to close my eyes so I couldn't see the light, so all my attention would be on my thoughts, and I closed them. You could have been happy, but you decided not to. She liked you, and you liked her, and you did nothing. You've probably screwed her up pretty badly by doing that, and you've screwed yourself up worse. You're so useless. Every thought that passed through my mind felt like getting punched, but I let it keep happening. I started hearing thoughts like that about everything, about how I didn't work hard enough, about how I was too judgmental of harmless things and too tolerant of bad things. After a while I could still hear the destroyer's thoughts, except they started with "I" instead of "you." I'm such a goddamn idiot, I don't deserve to live and I don't deserve a chance to make myself deserve to live. That's the way I was thinking. That's when I really stopped caring about anything. I started intentionally doing stuff that I knew was a bad idea, like staying up until 2 on school nights not even doing anything I wanted to do, but just staying up. When someone in my family tells me to go to sleep, I stay up longer for no reason at all. I spend my free time during the day doing anything except working and I spend the night avoiding sleep. I do almost no work until the last minute anymore, and I'm not trying to get ahead on anything. I just don't care.

Anyway, I might write more later. There's some more concrete stuff I might want to talk about. It just feels weird - there's stuff that I feel like I should be depressed about, but I feel nothing about it. I just feel so empty.

Also, *hug* for Bor. His well-being matters. Anyone who's willing to suffer that much on behalf of others - and is thoughtful enough to worry that he should be helping himself instead of people who are better-off than him - is most likely a saint, and that is not hyperbole.

[wadledo]

And I thought I was sad.
*hugs of infinite sympathy*

[ArlEammon]

Wayyyy back earlier in the thread I did mention I got forced to have gang sex. Yeah. I'm still not happy about that.