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  1. - Top - End - #151
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    yeah, I know, but its hard for me while trying/keeping a life ya know.
    And it's partially the fault that I have one that makes my grades low, because I wasn't concentrating on them.

    and what are your grades then?
    Your american system confuses me. As of when I went into my exams, my grades were:
    E in Maths (Predicted A)
    D in History (Predicted A)
    D in English Literature (Predicted A)
    A in Psychology (Predicted B)
    I have no idea hwo to convert those to your American system, unfortunately. School term ends in... 12 days. I don't have a card so it'd be cash

    Anyways, try, y'know... giving up your life for a bit. It'll suck in the short run, but it'll get those grades for you.
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  2. - Top - End - #152
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Hoggy View Post
    And it's partially the fault that I have one that makes my grades low, because I wasn't concentrating on them.



    Your american system confuses me. As of when I went into my exams, my grades were:
    E in Maths (Predicted A)
    D in History (Predicted A)
    D in English Literature (Predicted A)
    A in Psychology (Predicted B)
    I have no idea hwo to convert those to your American system, unfortunately. School term ends in... 12 days. I don't have a card so it'd be cash

    Anyways, try, y'know... giving up your life for a bit. It'll suck in the short run, but it'll get those grades for you.
    that'd be damn rigt that my american system confuses you, becouse I dont even live in america for starters, I live in europe, in the Netherlands.
    we work with numbers here 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. 1 being the lowest you can get, 10 the highest.....
    so I dont use an american system heheh
    oh ok, where do you live.....maybe we can set up a little meeting of gitp people..........

    edit : i'm not having exams, just a final test week which will count heavy on my final grades.
    Last edited by Dallas-Dakota; 2007-06-03 at 11:16 AM.
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  3. - Top - End - #153
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Better than my grades by the end. Two classes were saved by Finals alone, and the rest weren't all that good either. Hoggy, the A, B, C's are Percentile based, find out what your percent is, and round to the nearest ten, then take the tens digit, and I think you have the 1-10 scale.

  4. - Top - End - #154
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    I'm not understanding that system
    A's? accetable?
    B's? better then expected?
    C's? ???????????
    P's? perfect?
    umm please explain
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    Quote Originally Posted by RabbitHoleLost View Post
    DD: .... DEM HIPS.
    Quote Originally Posted by faerwain View Post
    Why do I have the feeling that you actually really grind Smurfs to make your ice cream?
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  5. - Top - End - #155
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    A = best
    B
    C
    D
    E
    F = worst
    U = Failed (forgotten what it stands for)

    So Hoggy's grades (apart from Psychology) are on the lower end of the spectrum (though still not failing)
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  6. - Top - End - #156
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Umm for the sake of full disclosure there is something i didn't tell you guys. I think about suicide. A lot. I doubt I'd ever do it but I've thought about it.
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  7. - Top - End - #157
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Usually, A+ is 95+ or 10, A or A- or B+ may then be considered a 85+ or 9; B, B-, or C+ may be considered 75+, and therefor a 7, and so on. F is 50 +, and E(in my system, according to Glaive, it could be a "U" as well), is anything < 50 (5), for if you're below 50, you're not going to pass anyways, and therefor not point splitting hairs.

  8. - Top - End - #158
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Hi there, it's me again...

    Remember my problem? With that girl I love but who seemed to be playing with my feelings?

    Well, she's having some troubles right now... her ex has been looking for her lately and she's still moved by him, and she's having some problems with my friend, his boyfriend. They are about to break up, she's tired of him (and there's the ex issue, but that's another tale...) and all I can think right now is why the heck is she still thinking of that jerk... He made her cry so many times and yet she still cares for him... Why can't she think of me either? What makes him better than me?

    I'm really frustrated right now about that. Somehow I'm going to make her forget about him. He doesn't deserve someone like her. Perhaps I can't make her love me, but it's not fair that being people that care for her she is still thinking of that idiot.
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  9. - Top - End - #159
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Hey everyone. I'm not really depressed, just feeling a little bit down. And I know this is going to seem trivial to everyone, just thought I'd say it.

    They just put my dog to sleep. So many memories with him. Ah well. He was getting kind of old, and he couldn't walk under his own power, and then came the kidney failure and all that stuff. So I'm feeling a little bit sad.

    Starting to feel normal though. That's good.

    No need to reply to this.

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  10. - Top - End - #160
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    WolfInSheepsClothing

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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Sorry about your dog vespe. I'm shure it was a good friend that will be deservingly missed.

    And remember, no problem, no sadness is to smal to post about here. If it made you feel better to post here, you did the right thing. If it made you feel worse, post again and get the help you need.
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  11. - Top - End - #161
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by radikalskippy View Post
    Hi there, it's me again...

    Remember my problem? With that girl I love but who seemed to be playing with my feelings?

    Well, she's having some troubles right now... her ex has been looking for her lately and she's still moved by him, and she's having some problems with my friend, his boyfriend. They are about to break up, she's tired of him (and there's the ex issue, but that's another tale...) and all I can think right now is why the heck is she still thinking of that jerk... He made her cry so many times and yet she still cares for him... Why can't she think of me either? What makes him better than me?

    I'm really frustrated right now about that. Somehow I'm going to make her forget about him. He doesn't deserve someone like her. Perhaps I can't make her love me, but it's not fair that being people that care for her she is still thinking of that idiot.
    I realise this is a fairly simplistic explanation, but I suggest you read up onThe Ladder Theory. I had exactly the same problem you are having a few years ago, and this theory, as cynical as it seems, really made a lot of sense to me when I read it. It's not that he's better than you; he sounds like a bastard. But his bastardness probably only makes him more attractive to the girl in question, not less so. Happy reading.
    First the doctor told me the good news - I was going to have a disease named after me...

  12. - Top - End - #162
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by zeratul View Post
    Umm for the sake of full disclosure there is something i didn't tell you guys. I think about suicide. A lot. I doubt I'd ever do it but I've thought about it.
    Do think there's any particular reason that you do think about it so much?
    If there's nothing out there, then what was that noise?

  13. - Top - End - #163
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    umm i´m a bit down and hungry, can anybody give me a cookie? becouse that wil really help!
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    DD: .... DEM HIPS.
    Quote Originally Posted by faerwain View Post
    Why do I have the feeling that you actually really grind Smurfs to make your ice cream?
    Quote Originally Posted by banjo1985 View Post
    My wedding underwear has a picture of Dallas Dakota's face on them.
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  14. - Top - End - #164
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    *gives cookie*
    Better?

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  15. - Top - End - #165
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    I couldn't think of an opening sentence...

    1:39am over here, and feeling a bit lonely. I'm actually awake because I woke up, drank some water (I keep a bottle next to my bed 'cause I get thirsty alot), choked on the water as I was about to fall asleep again and woke up again. I've been awake for a while now. But that's not what I came here to post about.

    Those of you who remember the early days of the old depression thread (or threads, since two were merged) may or may not remember some of my previous posts about lack of social life (I call it that, seems accurate enough). I don't see myself improving with the people I already know but when I get out of school then maybe. That's close to what I came to post about, but not quite there.

    The thing that got me depressed this time was planning my birthday. I usually love this sort of thing but its starting to bug me. I wanted to do something but my mum tells me we can't afford it. I get mega-pissed and wonder why she didn't tell me before even though I think she knew what I wanted to do. But maybe she misinterpreted something. She better have. So I can't do what I wanted to do. But there isn't anything else I want to do. This makes me even more pissed.

    Then I went to bed (you know that). And woke up (you also know that). I was feeling really lonely. There are no people I want to hang out with, no people I want to invite (the last time I invited non-family was my 13th...). When this goes on for years like it has, it starts to get to me. At times I feel this extreme loneliness and that "why does the world hate me?" feeling. And also confusion as I usually prefer not to talk to others yet I get the other feelings. This makes the other feelings worse.

    I turn 16 on Monday. This has been a horrible way to spend my last week of being 15. I don't want it to end like this! I've also not been looking forward to turning 16 for other reasons. I also don't want to feel lonely, so I posted here to try and get rid of a bit of that.

    2:08am now... I won't bother looking at how much time I took to post this. Maybe later.
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  16. - Top - End - #166
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Birthdays have been really hard on me as well, I haven't had a party in a few years.

    Cheer up, at worse comes to worse, just treat it as a normal day. I know I probably won't make a big deal of my next ones.

    Find your zen, what you really like to do. What makes you happy? Now do it.

  17. - Top - End - #167
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Rex Idiotarum View Post
    Find your zen, what you really like to do. What makes you happy? Now do it.
    Sorta hard playing video games at nearly... *looks at computer clock* nearly 3am. Crap.

    That's the first thing that comes to mind, though there are a few others.
    Last edited by DarkLightDragon; 2007-06-05 at 01:38 PM.
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  18. - Top - End - #168
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    @DLD

    I think I missed your complaints in the previous thread about social life, but here's a few questions that may shape any advice I could give you;

    Do you live somewhere where there are a lot of people?
    City, town, metropolis, whatever; are there places you can go, or a neighborhood you live in?
    If you live in the middle of nowhere, meeting people can be hard, but if you're surrounded by people (or, if you're in school, surrounded by people your own age) there's more of an opportunity.

    You know this, if course, so that leads me to a second question; Are there some special circumstances that lead to a lack of social life?
    If there's nothing out there, then what was that noise?

  19. - Top - End - #169
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Skenardo View Post
    @DLD

    I think I missed your complaints in the previous thread about social life, but here's a few questions that may shape any advice I could give you;

    Do you live somewhere where there are a lot of people?
    City, town, metropolis, whatever; are there places you can go, or a neighborhood you live in?
    If you live in the middle of nowhere, meeting people can be hard, but if you're surrounded by people (or, if you're in school, surrounded by people your own age) there's more of an opportunity.

    You know this, if course, so that leads me to a second question; Are there some special circumstances that lead to a lack of social life?
    I'll answer these quick, then I'll be going to bed.

    Do you live somewhere where there are a lot of people?
    Yep.

    City, town, metropolis, whatever; are there places you can go, or a neighborhood you live in?
    Again, yes. The comment about schools: I dislike most of the people in my school.

    Are there some special circumstances that lead to a lack of social life?
    I wouldn't say special circumstances, but I have been bullied for pretty much my entire school life (4th grade has some of the worst memories...). I also have mild autism (the other students don't know this). But nothing physical that would stop me from having a normal social life.

    Hm... night all... I'll make more sense out of things tomorrow if it confuses anyone.
    Last edited by DarkLightDragon; 2007-06-05 at 01:54 PM.
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  20. - Top - End - #170
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Wow, it took me long to be able to react on anything. Not good, or maybe it is. Well, I'm sick now. I missed an exam yesterday, but at least I managed to pass one of the main exams last Friday, so I'm pretty positive I'll pass this grade without any trouble, I'd pass anyway, but I don't want to do it that way.

    Quote Originally Posted by sktarq View Post
    One thing you may want to look at is if this "wanting to take the hard way" isn't just "terrified of failure" in a particularly subtle guise. Because if you take the hard way and fail you can always blame your more challenging choice...and then convince yourself you didn't REALLY fail...you just aimed too high.
    You made me think long of that. All I can say is, you might be correct. After all, I'm a perfectionist. I simply can't do anything under my own expectations, to the point that I rather do not, instead of failing them. That might also be a reason it took me so long to answer this post.

    As for help...not really sure...I really doubt the whole "turn off you brain" thing has ever worked for you but try meditation...Really it does work and can get you more complete awarness of your problem.
    Turn off might be the wrong term. More like do other things to not think of a particular problem. Just, that also means I can't read anything, because it makes me feel guilty I'm not doing what I'm supposed to, and I can't do what I'm supposed to, since it makes me think of my situation and keeps me off anything to change it. It took me days to even start learning, because every time I went there I got "deeper" thoughts. Which means up to suicidal or what I call "floating".
    Another idea is to have to do things well for someone outside yourself....when you are taking the easier route on another behalf it can put off that part of you that wants to take the hard way.
    What can I say. I don't have such a person. I keep very far from other people, meaning I don't even get asked for something, and my mother for example is far too proud to ever ask for help. That also means I feel absolutely powerless.
    As for the whole happiness thing I'd actually recommend that you start by looking for beauty in normal everyday life. Look around like you would walking into the second to last gallery at an art museum.
    Oh, I do that very often. Actually, I love nature. It's beauty is one of the few absolutes I agree on. But it also makes me think of its (transience? I would like to use "Vergänglichkeit" but have no clue as how to translate it.) and only more depressive. It's kind of strange, but exactly what usually makes me happy, makes me sad now. Take the four seasons for example. They always are the same. It kinda makes me sad to see something repeat itself again and again and again. Or a forest, I walk through it and only see the destruction caused by humans, rather than the beauty of it.

    And realize its transience is part of its beauty.
    I do not know if I yet can see that. On one hand I hate this, on the other it seems natural and as balance to the repetition.

    You may want to study some Japanese haiku's too as they are really good for the grasping transient beauty theme-they even have a word for it-but I'll be damned if I know it.
    Maybe. But it's not beauty of writings I lack. Actually, I love poetry and every kind of writing (every kind of art, come to think of, but it's the only I can produce myself and thus feel closest too), but I simply would wonder how much I miss by not knowing the original language. Reading Dostoevsky or Tolstoy for example made me read whole pages again just because I wondered how much I lost by not knowing Russian. Still, I think it's a good idea, but I have yet to see if I can relate to it.

    And with the whole feeling like you are part of some other kind of being but not. I have zero clue how to help you on that one-I've just gotten to the point I take it as a given in my life and ask "Well I'm here, now what do I do?"
    Oh, I'm sure there are things one has to figure out for oneself. It's okay if nobody can help me, as long as I can. I wouldn't want you to tell me the absolute truth for me anyway.
    As for the stable loving relationships-Just because something isn't gold doesn't mean it doesn't have value...and for the not wanting that realising you have lost control of your own emotions and someone else does is a terrifying part of being head over heals in love....But you know I still think it's worth it....more terrifying than skydiving but still worth it.
    Isn't it interesting how gold is actually useless to us yet we value it higher than anything of real worth? I fear I might be caught in its brilliance and forget the real value of it. I simply don't know, I don't think I'm ready yet, but then, I might never really be. Now, if I just knew somebody to risk trying for.
    With the anger-try either taking it out with your paints (you may even like the results more) or perhaps martial arts....It is amazing how punching a red leather flap drains you aggression to the world. (Personally I blame neuropeptides)
    Martial arts I have tried. But it felt too repetitive and too stable for me. But that was years ago, I might try it. With paintings the problem is that I can't get anything right. I have a perfect picture in my head and then when painting it I somehow fail and end up destroying it for not being perfect. Anger doesn't help in the least with that. I rather stay with appreciating that of others instead, as it is in an area I can work with.

    To Conclude it can be a serious problem, what you are dealing with. I totally bombed my Uni applications years ago because of this. It can get messy. I doubt that anyone here recommending it would get you to see professional help because you realize you have a problem but don't really see yourself as sick (Totally WAGing it here-but the story implies it).
    Well, I already think of professional help. Just, my first impression was no good one and it's actually very hard for me to open myself and say yes, I'll do it now. I somehow never get to the point that I can openly say that. Still, I see myself as sick. All evidence shows that (well, if three different Psychologists say the same independent of each other I doubt I can refuse it) I am.

    I might recommend travel and trying LOTS and LOTS of new things to see if you can find anything that grabs you hard enough that you want to make it work period...something where failure would not be acceptable no matter what. I won't say you'll ever find that but searching would be something I'd recommend-maybe in Uni.
    It's not like there is nothing that grabs me. Quite the opposite actually, I can see myself doing a lot. Unfortunately, so can everyone else and thus I can't really decide what to do. Sometimes I feel like caught between my own urges. I can see myself in so many things and yet they are... far.

    Well, one thing I have decided, and that is studying in a foreign country. I'm not sure as to where yet, but I don't want to stay here anymore, that much is clear to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Moon_Called View Post
    After he had the guts to say something that made me cry so hard, I had to go home from school! Who did he think he was, doing something like that?!
    A boy. A stupidly in love one, but still, just a person. I doubt his intention was to make you cry though.

    So I ignored him. I was good at it. He would try to get me to talk to him, but I never said a word. He kept following me around, trying to get me to talk to him, and not spending a ****ing second thinking about how much he'd hurt me.

    If he ****ing loved me, why didn't he actually sit down and think about what he could have possibly ****ing told me that would make me get so ****ing pissed off? He seriously hurt me, and couldn't figure out how! He's supposed to be smart! If he'd asked any of our friends, they would have told him that they saw me sitting outside the lybrary, crying so ****ing hard that I couldn't stop!
    A, but teenagers are like that. His love probably says "I want you" maybe even "I want you to want me", but it's still a basic urge. A simple, egoistical "I want. And I want it now!" Now let me ask you, if an instinct was rational, would it still be an instinct?

    Then he went all emo. He stopped grooming himself, he stopped talking to me, he couldn't even look at me. If anything, I only felt worse. That's not ****ing fair! He really hurts me, and has no idea how, and then goes and makes me feel horrible!
    No he doesn't. He simply has no clue as to how it hurts you. Instead, he thinks of his own pain and how he can mope in it. Simply put, he's stupid and not even aware of it.

    And he bounced back pretty quick, to. Just a few weeks later, it turns out he was dating one of my other close friends. Oh, I'm still friends with her, but I can't get over what a jerk he is.
    If he really doesn't mean anything to you, why should you even care? Why should it matter who he annoys now, that he finally stopped to have you as his target? Why are you upset, because you feel bad for her falling for such a jerk, or because you're not his centre of attention anymore. Woah, I sound harsh. That's not my intention. What I mean to say is, oftentimes we like to be centre of the attention of others, even if we don't really like the attention. Nothing feels worse than to be ignored, or to be the fifth wheel. But what do I know, being antisocial and only observant.

    Quote Originally Posted by dallas-dakota View Post
    can the world explode or something please?
    Nope sorry, won't do. It's pretty close to impossible destroying it completely. Now, killing all life forms on earth, that's quite easy. But blow up a huge ball of metal and rocks, sorry, won't do.
    Quote Originally Posted by ocato View Post
    Let me tell you all something that will depress the ever living crap out of you.

    In five years, you will look back at high school and go 'man, those were the good old days.'

    Unless you go to 'real' college, then maybe not. But it's pretty much downhill from there. Sorry.
    Memory's strange, isn't it. It's funny how we usually only remember the good things, but not the long time in between. I won't trust anybody saying how earlier all was better, because, well, memory's pretty problematic. As we like to say es is a Hund. (It's a dog, it means it's a scoundrel, it's not completely honest. Bah, that's hard to translate)
    Quote Originally Posted by zeratul View Post
    Umm for the sake of full disclosure there is something I didn't tell you guys. I think about suicide. A lot. I doubt I'd ever do it but I've thought about it.
    Now, what do you mean with thoughts of suicide? Do you mean you see yourself dead? In which instance? For example, I see myself dying when I drive in a car quite often. Same when I am on heights, or when I use oil and see a burning person dance in the night. Or do simply think of how you would do it, because that's fairly normal and definitely nothing new to me, surely older than my depression.

    Or what I also have, I see loppers and picture myself cutting my biggest left toe off. I then check my left foot for the next fifteen minutes if it's still there. But that's not suicide.
    Quote Originally Posted by DarkLightDragon View Post
    The thing that got me depressed this time was planning my birthday. I usually love this sort of thing but its starting to bug me. I wanted to do something but my mum tells me we can't afford it. I get mega-pissed and wonder why she didn't tell me before even though I think she knew what I wanted to do. But maybe she misinterpreted something. She better have. So I can't do what I wanted to do. But there isn't anything else I want to do. This makes me even more pissed.
    I sense great anger in you... Okay, I'll stop with that. Really, I wonder if you should be so angry about something so minimal. She said you can't afford it, so what? It's not like she forgot it or something. And why should you even care about birthdays? It's not like it's really special. Rather than that it's more or less like any other day. She probably just misinterpreted you, thinking she does hurt you for deliberately sounds a bit paranoid to me. I'm sure it's not her intention to destroy your party.

    Then I went to bed (you know that). And woke up (you also know that). I was feeling really lonely. There are no people I want to hang out with, no people I want to invite (the last time I invited non-family was my 13th...). When this goes on for years like it has, it starts to get to me.
    I'm sure you will find people you want to hang out with. Eventually (plus, I'm sure some here could feel hurt by your words)

    At times I feel this extreme loneliness and that "why does the world hate me?" feeling.
    It doesn't. Frankly, it couldn't care less about you or anyone else. Yes, the world's an apathetic b*tch. But it works that way. There sure are people who don't want to miss you and don't hate you, search them, find them and have a good day. And don't make them feel bad by acting like they wouldn't care about you.

    I turn 16 on Monday. This has been a horrible way to spend my last week of being 15. I don't want it to end like this! I've also not been looking forward to turning 16 for other reasons. I also don't want to feel lonely, so I posted here to try and get rid of a bit of that.
    Then change it. Go out and work on it, until you don't feel lonely anymore.

    Wow, either I sound whiny or like a total ass. Neither is my intention, but I lack the middleground. I also feel extremely self-centred now.

  21. - Top - End - #171
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    DLD...This seems like the perfect time for a Bor story.

    My friends, when I had friends in the "real" world, were the outcasts of teen social life. And even amongst the outcasts, I was an outcast. I just never really fit. A large portion of that was because my family was monstrously dysfunctional, and theirs were...well, better than mine.

    I was the eldest among them, and when my 19th birthday arrived, it was a nightmare. You see, my family actually went out of their way to IGNORE my birthday. They didn't even say the words, "Happy birthday." And after an entire day rolled by, I asked my mother (talk about a wrong choice of person to ask) if anyone had forgotten. That's when I was told, in these exact words, "No, we didn't forget. We ignored it." One expects friends to forget. One can even expect a few family members to forget. But one's parents to actually IGNORE one's birthday?

    So I sought my friends, and there was no hiding the depressive slump I was in. I told them what transpired, and they gave me...a blonde! Kathy was 16 and beautiful. Put her in a bikini and a pool, and you can bet that I'd come running...and I did. The others, claiming they wanted to do something indoors for a bit, left us to our own designs. Said designs included much swimming and harmless flirting.

    With my eyes on the girl, I completely missed her receiving a signal. She suggested we join the others inside. We stepped through the hourse's back door...and the crowd of outcasts shouted, "SURPRISE!" Yes, they'd used the attractive female to distract me while they ran out to get an ice cream cake and throw an impromptu party for me.

    Now, this isn't to say that the people in your life socially will do such a thing. No, the message here is that you sometimes have to look for the good things in life. Sometimes they find you, and you should treasure those moments the most when they do. And the ones you have to find? You treasure those too.
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    Quote Originally Posted by CSK View Post
    Now, what do you mean with thoughts of suicide? Do you mean you see yourself dead? In which instance? For example, I see myself dying when I drive in a car quite often. Same when I am on heights, or when I use oil and see a burning person dance in the night. Or do simply think of how you would do it, because that's fairly normal and definitely nothing new to me, surely older than my depression.
    I have recurring feelings of being compelled to kill myself.
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    Quote Originally Posted by zeratul View Post
    I have recurring feelings of being compelled to kill myself.
    Z, I had such recurring thoughts when I was a teen. Have them all the time as an adult, too. This is something that needs to be addressed by those who can actually DO something about it. Talking to us may be theraputic, but we can do little about helping in reality. I recommend finding an adult you trust and telling them about it.

    For me, the answer is medication. I still marvel at how a pill helps to reduce a thought. I consider suicide at least once a day, even while on my meds. But I am severely disinclined to take action. When I'm off my meds, it's a different story. I have the will and the way, and I'm usually in such a bad place mentally that I simply don't care who gets hurt by my ending my life. I'm on my meds now, and all is well. But looking back at those moments when I was off them... *shudder* Scary stuff.

    I don't know what's right for you in terms of help. I'm not one to point to chemistry and yell, "Do the drugs!" I'm simply explaining what works for me. Talk to an adult you trust, and take it from there. And please note that I said "an adult," because telling your friends will NOT help in the long run.

    Set to, young warrior prince! We await word of your victories!
    "Goodnight, Rosebud."

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    Quote Originally Posted by CSK View Post
    You made me think long of that. All I can say is, you might be correct. After all, I'm a perfectionist. I simply can't do anything under my own expectations, to the point that I rather do not, instead of failing them. That might also be a reason it took me so long to answer this post.
    Well I'm glad you thought about it. I'd prod you to keep thinking about it...if not what I said then what you would explain it as that's different...but I'm apporox 6K miles from your marked location so the only way to do that is: *poke*
    *poke*

    Quote Originally Posted by CSK View Post
    Turn off might be the wrong term. More like do other things to not think of a particular problem. Just, that also means I can't read anything, because it makes me feel guilty I'm not doing what I'm supposed to, and I can't do what I'm supposed to, since it makes me think of my situation and keeps me off anything to change it. It took me days to even start learning, because every time I went there I got "deeper" thoughts. Which means up to suicidal or what I call "floating".
    Right-avoidence-nah never heard of it. Never done it myself. None no-siree-bob. (heck who do I think I'm kidding)....As for focus leading to suicidal or depressive thoughts I recomend turning any project into a bunch of little ones if you can. It help allot of people (not me but I swear I've seen it work). When you say "learning" do you mean school or learning about the way you do this?

    Quote Originally Posted by CSK View Post
    What can I say. I don't have such a person. I keep very far from other people, meaning I don't even get asked for something, and my mother for example is far too proud to ever ask for help. That also means I feel absolutely powerless.
    Getting closer to people was a big help for me. Other people can be a pain in the rear but they are also my friends, lovers, loves, foes, nemesises, and all those other things that spice life up so much that I care. Also I found I really LIKE helping people....I am not talking about helping with the homework type stuff but musings on life, dealing with the a teenage agst breakup, the death or divorse of parents, somebody having a bit of a personality crisis, depression or something else about people. Most people are pretty neet if you get up close to them-no matter how hard it can be to see their good sides and easy to fault them from a distance. Your current status as an outsider and objective observer will actuall be a big help in these kind of non-small talk situations. It was by helpping others that I was pulled out of the little isolationist shell I had grown. And your mother may not be the best person to try helpping...Start with your peers....


    Quote Originally Posted by CSK View Post
    Oh, I do that very often. Actually, I love nature. It's beauty is one of the few absolutes I agree on. But it also makes me think of its (transience? I would like to use "Vergänglichkeit" but have no clue as how to translate it.) and only more depressive. It's kind of strange, but exactly what usually makes me happy, makes me sad now. Take the four seasons for example. They always are the same. It kinda makes me sad to see something repeat itself again and again and again. Or a forest, I walk through it and only see the destruction caused by humans, rather than the beauty of it.
    I do not know if I yet can see that. On one hand I hate this, on the other it seems natural and as balance to the repetition.... Reading Dostoevsky or Tolstoy for example made me read whole pages again just because I wondered how much I lost by not knowing Russian. Still, I think it's a good idea, but I have yet to see if I can relate to it.
    Why are the seasons sad? Each season is a little different really...Not really sure exactly what you are getting at with this one....Know of too many things it could be....Is it seeing the negative in general...both in nature and everything else? A stuck feeling that such things as the seasons remind you of?
    When I say to see its beauty as more FOR its transience I'm trying to get you to see its greater value in the idea that it is sometthing more rare and the experience is more special for that.(Edits out 4th dimention explination)..Something that will soon disappear is something that also MUST be enjoyed now in this moment and this life...it is also not something that you can just get used to or come to take for granted beacause by the time you do-it will be gone. In
    And yeah, Russian lit-yeah it works that way...There is really no way around it except to learn every language on the planet that has writen something down you want to learn from. This may be a place to leave your perfectionism at the door. Instead of learning everything possible by one source (by learning the language) try learning as much as you can from several sources. I still got much enjoyment, and new ways of thinking, from Yegevny Zamutin's "We" eventhough it was the book which made me actually want to learn Russian due to the whole "what does the translation leave out?" issue.


    Quote Originally Posted by CSK View Post
    Isn't it interesting how gold is actually useless to us yet we value it higher than anything of real worth? I fear I might be caught in its brilliance and forget the real value of it. I simply don't know, I don't think I'm ready yet, but then, I might never really be. Now, if I just knew somebody to risk trying for.
    Very true gold is just about worthless in a practical sence (except as a highly stable plating for drinking vessels and being able to see gold ornamented things easier in the dark-(pre industrial revolution uses that is)). As for getting caught in its brillience I might point out that a surprizing amount of love is based in the lower brain-it requires both the head and the heart to fall. As for finding someone to risk that much for....All I can recomend is time, being out there for people to meet and actually get to know, being active in exposing yourself to new people and places (not to mention you get to pick up new friends, stories, info, and often places to crash on the other side of the globe-it's fun).


    Quote Originally Posted by CSK View Post
    Martial arts I have tried. But it felt too repetitive and too stable for me. But that was years ago, I might try it. With paintings the problem is that I can't get anything right. I have a perfect picture in my head and then when painting it I somehow fail and end up destroying it for not being perfect. Anger doesn't help in the least with that. I rather stay with appreciating that of others instead, as it is in an area I can work with.
    One thing about martial arts....They are repeditive for along time....at least a year of regular practice....but then something else happens. The basic moves are internalised in your mind and start to "just happen". Like when you write in cursive; a complicated muscle command is compleated with little to no active thought. This helps with all sorts of mental issues-it promotes mental and emotional discipline while still giving a vent port to aggressivness. Builds confidence and it makes you much harder to intimidate. Also you get all the benefits of exercise on your body and mind.
    As for the paint have you tried painting from the emotion first instead of the mental picture? This again needs years of skill building to work right because once you are good enough technically the emotions you blast onto the paper actually carry your emotions onto other people when they view it.-Keep trying there is always hope in this avenue.

    Quote Originally Posted by CSK View Post
    Well, I already think of professional help. Just, my first impression was no good one and it's actually very hard for me to open myself and say yes, I'll do it now. I somehow never get to the point that I can openly say that. Still, I see myself as sick. All evidence shows that (well, if three different Psychologists say the same independent of each other I doubt I can refuse it) I am.
    I have to admit never liking professional help, even the very idea of it. Part of it is that they do have an interest, even a subconcious one, in saying I'm sick and need to come back regularly for treatment. Maybe I have have my own pride issues with this sort of thing (okay I do but that's a different story-let's just say I relate to your mother on this one) but I'd say go for whatever works. I know that trying a bunch of different ones until you "click" has been important for several of my friends. And see if you can find ones that are comfortable talking about other things besides getting you to just "open up" right away-they can be few and far between depending on the local caseload but if you have trouble opening up may be worth the effort of searching.

    Quote Originally Posted by CSK View Post
    It's not like there is nothing that grabs me. Quite the opposite actually, I can see myself doing a lot. Unfortunately, so can everyone else and thus I can't really decide what to do. Sometimes I feel like caught between my own urges. I can see myself in so many things and yet they are... far.
    I'm not talking about things you do well at. Doing well at just about everything is another kind of curse that most western culture doesn't know how to deal with it. The fact that everybody else tells you about it all the time just makes you feel worse because finding limits nowhere is about as guiding as finding limits everywhere but saying it makes you feel like crap and a spoilsport for having tons of talent. That is not what I'm talking about-I am talking about something that grabs you and says you REALLY want to do THIS. A passion not a talent.

    Quote Originally Posted by CSK View Post
    Well, one thing I have decided, and that is studying in a foreign country. I'm not sure as to where yet, but I don't want to stay here anymore, that much is clear to me.
    Kudos! Good luck with that!
    Last edited by sktarq; 2007-06-05 at 06:42 PM.

  25. - Top - End - #175
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonathan_Crane View Post
    I realise this is a fairly simplistic explanation, but I suggest you read up onThe Ladder Theory. I had exactly the same problem you are having a few years ago, and this theory, as cynical as it seems, really made a lot of sense to me when I read it. It's not that he's better than you; he sounds like a bastard. But his bastardness probably only makes him more attractive to the girl in question, not less so. Happy reading.
    Wow... It's really illuminating... Not at all comforting, yet, but illuminating...
    It's really cheap, though...
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    frown Re: The Depression Thread

    Hey guys and girls. I'm feeling a little down at the moment, so I thought I'd come and vent in here. See if it makes me feel better. I'm not expecting help from this, since it's all mainly in the past, but...well, anyway

    I was reading some letters from a friend just about 5 minutes ago. About this time last summer [really, not that long ago, it feels like years] we started writing to each other, since it was our easiest way of keeping in touch.

    The main problem I suppose is that from before this [yes, I keep going backwards, I know] we'd been to a party, and (under the influence of alcohol) toyed with the idea of having a relationship. It was decided, in the morning, that we didn't want one [not both of us, anyway ] Anyway, in the first letter she sent me, she eluded to the party, and I thought she was maybe reconsidering the relationship idea. Things happened, it failed, and we ended up growing apart for a while. Not important to this [I believe I've talked about it all in the previous Depression thread]

    Anyway, the main problem [the other one] is, looking back at the first few letters, we were really close friends. It seemed like she really wanted to and enjoyed talking to me. As time went on, the letters got shorter, and further apart, as things happened, and in the end they stopped altogether. We haven't written to each other for nearly a year now.

    Ugh, I am getting to the point, honest. I suppose it's just that, when I see how we used to be such good friends, and I look at our position today, still seemingly good friends, I feel so sad for the amount of friendship we've lost. I rarely talk to her much any more, and I know next to nothing about her life.

    Like I said, I'm not really looking for advice, I'm just venting. But if you were going to give some, it would be how to approach this subject with her, without making her scared that I'm going to try and ask her out again. That's what scared her away from me before, and now I really regret it

    Anyway, that's it. I feel sad, and unfortunately venting hasn't helped me at all. But I hate wasting work more than I hate wasting other peoples' time, so I'm going to post this anyway
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    hello everyone, my name is phantomhermit

    *hello phantomhermit*

    *sits down and takes a sip of coffee*

    i have been to too many of those and i am feeling down tonight because of an indirect insult given to me on these forums. it amounted to "useless damn bastard" and, like most things, i thought about each word individually before putting them together. now i know that next to no one knows me on here, and those who do dont know me that well, but i am going to go ahead and spill my guts. in a very general sense. i have severe mental illnesses that keep me from doing pretty much anything more than sleeping all day from the effects of my meds. there is the useless part. the only thing i contribute to my family is in the form of a modified form of wellfare and all of that is spent on my meds. useless, except for my exceptional wit and charm i guess. pah! i can stare down a pit bull with its teeth bared but i cant load the dishwasher. odd thing that. i will get back to that in a second. now to "damn." with all the dealings i have had with the dark powers that be, i am not sure as to my status amongst the forces that decide what happens to me when i die. i am an odd mix of religion and philosophy. i am taoist/pagan/christian. to put it bluntly, i believe in inner balance and harmony, the sanctity of nature, and jesus as the means of "cleansing" all the "bad stuff" from my record. but how far can you go on one side of the fence until you cannot go back to the other? perhaps that is why i do not know myself- because i dont will myself to step further away from the wall than i ever have before. perhaps i am weak. and perhaps i am just depressed. it is late and my head is swimming and i feel faint, but i need to hack this out before i go to bed. honestly i know that pretty much everyone gives a **** about me, but not enough to actually read this thing, so if you have made it this far, i applaud you. i have a girlfriend. we are planning on getting married once she is out of college, and i cant support a family. the current plan is to get a job at the local liquor store here in town and try to stay there long enough to make seven dollars and hour. and i am going to take some online college courses. i want to be a computer programmer. i want to be normal and messed up just like everyone else; not like this *puts head in hands* no one understands me because of my mental illness and it isnt like i can explain it that well either. and i know this is just some crap-shoot full of self-pity, but i really am hurting and i dont know how to make it go away. i have tried god, jesus, religion, alcohol, drugs, sex, video games . . . . the only time i feel at home is when i am playing dnd with my friend peguinsushi. he is only a little older than me, but i view him as a father figure. o yeah, my father died in my arms when i was twelve. forgot to mention that. i cant quite seem to forget it fully though. well anyway, here is a tribute! i raise my water glass to you dnd people. without you, life would be empty- even with all that i may ever possess, your friendship means more to me than anything else in this world. you guys understand me. you guys love me. and the odd thing is this was all started by a flame by Koda. i know it shouldnt hurt, but when anyone calls me something like a "useless damn bastard" it really irks me. in person anyone who challenges my father's honor gets to deal with three hundred pounds of mean. and in person i would probably just let it slide. but when it is written, it is etched in stone. a very great banker once said "think alot; speak little; write nothing." i know i should put this on a freaking blog or something, but no one reads those, and this forum is the closest thing to home that i have except when i am gaming, and i am just a pixie for thor's sake. funny that. gotta think about that. cheers, drink up, and smoke em if you got em- and if you have any advice, send me a pm. i havnt gotten one yet and it will make my day. trust me.

  28. - Top - End - #178
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Ok... um. This post is going to seem somewhat rushed, because I haven't read the thread in a while, and there appears to be a LOT of movement. If I overlook someones post or some content, please forgive me and send me a PM. I'd be happy to talk with each and every one of you.

    Disclaimer: Yes I am a therapist. No I'm not going to get into a long "therapy" relationship with you, since the effect would be GREATLY diminished over the internet.

    Glug: You brother has been cutting? Likely it has been intentional cutting? You should talk to him. Talk to him soon. He will want to avoid it, or minimize it. They call suicide the "silent epidemic" because nobody wants to talk about it. If you feel comfortable with him, talk to him. If he is cutting himself, he probably has a reason. If he gets angry about being confronted, you have the following thought to rely on for being ok with his anger... "Him being angry with you for talking to him about suicide is much easier to handle than the alternative..."

    Zeratul: If you've been having thoughts about suicide, you should talk to someone. The compelling urge to commit suicide is very scary, and you should not handle it alone. Find someone you trust and talk with them. Be open and honest about why you are thinking about this.

    phantomhermit: I'm sorry to hear about things going so poorly for you. Living with a mental illness makes it difficult for others to understand you. It also makes it difficult to understand others. Enjoy your happiness with your gaming group (which PS has repeatedly invited me to join). DnD buddies will always be there for you... unless they're planning to loot your character.
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    Hi again... Sorry if sometimes I'm not here to help somebody else, but I think nobody with problems of his own can possibly help ano other...

    It's just a little doubt about that ladder theory... What happened between her and I means that I'm on the right ladder? I mean, we got to be closer than closer... There was a strong atraction between her and I, and it was only my own indecision which made me lose her, and then there are those who are on the right ladder, but only higher than myself. Isn't it right? Please tell me I'm right, so I can begin working on a plan or something...
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xykon_Fan View Post
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  30. - Top - End - #180
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    Default Re: The Depression Thread

    All men are on the ladder. That "Not if you were the last man on earth" deal-y is a lie. Now what you have to do is kill everybody above you. Then she'll have to love you.

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