The Depression Thread

[Serpentine]

Oh man, that one (and what I've seen of previous ones...) makes me feel kinda bad for my dampner. I'll justify it by explaning that Skenardo I think said about all that needs to, except regarding the belief that everyone hates you? It's only little, I don't actually know you or anything, but I think you're one of the several posters whose writing I find I generally enjoy... That and it seems you have at least... 3 people, just in your story, who like you very much.

My little selfishness: My Canadian friend isn't talking to me at all, but he's still always on MSN. If he doesn't want to talk to me any more, I don't know why he doesn't just block me To make matters worse, I found the last email he ever sent me: He'd received my parcel, and had one all ready to send back to me, he just needed my address. Which I gave him. >sigh< I just wish he'd tell me what I did wrong. I have his phone number, but if he genuinely doesn't like me any more then it'll just be awkward and seem even creepier.
I know it's not much, but it's just this constant sadness and self-doubt and paranoia that I'm doing whatever drove him away to someone else that hangs around, on top of uni stresses and D&D troubles and housemate issues and so on, and even when things are otherwise good.

[zeratul]

Just call him. Do it cassually, and give him your adress then. That way it wont sound creepy.

[Serpentine]

...except that he's in Canada, I'm in Australia, and that last email was sent to me a year ago That and I've already sent him an email saying, basically "talk to me or block me, dagnabbit!", except a lot more emotional. With absolutely no response....at least his friend Cam still talks to me?

[Glaivemaster]

I'm sure you've tried these ideas already, but I'm going to bring them up just to make sure:
1) Ask Cam if he(/she) knows what the problem is. If he doesn't;
2) Get Cam to talk to your friend, asking what the problem is or;
3) Get Cam to ask your friend to talk to you, to at least explain things

I know it's quiet upsetting when someone you considered a friend just stops talking to you, it happened to me a couple of times. Maybe it's not something you've done that stops him talking to you, maybe it's something he's done?

I'm not sure how important these parcels were to you two, but presumably they were some kind of gift? Perhaps, after receiving your parcel, he realised he didn't have anything that felt good enough to send to you and, embarrassed and feeling like a bad friend, stopped talking to you hoping you'd forget. Of course, after a year of not talking to you, it's become a habit, or the guilt has built up too much, but he won't block you because he still thinks of you as a friend.

Some parts of that paragraph were more specific or optimistic than others, but hopefully you get the idea. It doesn't have to be your fault.

Ocato: I think TGS has said everything that I'd say, so I'll just offer my support to his post

[Serpentine]

I'm a bit wary of getting Cam too much involved because 1.a) I don't want to keep nattering on at him about Justin, 1.b) I'd like to try to build up a friendship with him apart from our mutual friend, especially seeing as he chose to keep talking to me even after I gave him the option of getting rid of me (we were only introduced cuz J & I were bored and he happened to be online at the time), 1.c) I don't want him to think I'm only still talking to him so that I can keep nattering on at him about J, and 2. I think he and another guy J introduced me to have lost contact with him a little after he moved. I may talk to him about it, like you suggested Glaive, at some point, but I should at least have a proper conversation with him about something else first. Anyway, he did say he'd punch J for me.
With the parcel, I think it had some chocolate, Tim Tams, and of course Vegemite, and not much else. Now that I think about it, I think there was a birthday present as well... but he'd already received it when he sent that email and said he'd already fixed one up for me, surely he wouldn't lie to me, and certainly not about something so trivial?
A bit of background, just cuz it feels better to write it even if noone reads it...
We met on some hotmail chat site when we started spouting Monty Python quotes at each other for some reason. This was about... in year 8 or 9, I think, so around 7 or 8 years ago.
After my first year at uni (so 3 Christmases ago) I was going to go visit him. I had my passport organised, the ticket paid for (about $2500 or something like that, $1200 inheritance, $800 of my own, and the rest from parents) and my bags packed for a holiday in the middle of a Canadian winter. A week before I was due to catch my flight, I contacted him just to check that everything was ready to go, and he said that "it'd be best if you didn't come" because of issues with his mother. Much panicking and many calls to the travel agent later, I decided to chicken out (it was my first trip overseas, I didn't have any alternative accommodation organised nor the money to pay for it, and I was pretty on edge) and pay the $800 late cancellation fee. He originally said he'd pay half what I paid for the ticket, and then felt so bad about making me cancel he said he'd pay all the fee. Then came several months of "I'll have enough money at the end of the month", but I didn't really care and I think the friendship was more or less okay. He said later that one of his reasons for pulling out was that he wouldn't have enough cash to keep me entertained. As though I expected him to cover everything!
It must've been about a year after that, an extended (couple of months-long) silence from Justin culminated in a pretty nasty (and embarassing) emotional outpouring (in which I absolved him of the debt he'd put on himself) on a particularly lonely, depressed, angry and frustrated weekend. He sheepishly apologised, citing various real life issues (moving I think was the main one), and we were back in business.
Then, a couple of months ago last year, I sent him a parcel, which, as it approximately coincided with his birthday, included a birthday present (I wish I could remember what it was... something dreadfully Australian, I'm sure). As I said, he said he had one for me all ready to send and then... nothing. Not a peep. Not so much as an "I never want to talk to you again" or "You're creepy, leave me alone". As I mentioned, I sent off an email practically begging him to talk to me, tell me why he won't, and/or block me so it's all finished with once and for all. When that got no response, I said I'd try not to bother him any more, and bid him farewell with the hope that he'd choose to open contact again.
>sigh< I feel a little better now, at least...

[ocato]

For the record, I've been out of Azeroth for a while now. But I do appreciate the advice.

I'm thinking of deleting the original post. The exposed feeling anxiety is slowly kicking in.

[smellie_hippie]

Ocato: There are another couple of options that you can consider for getting help. Granted they do hinge on your acceptance to college at IU. (Bloomington is a great campus by the way... especially in the fall) You could seek some help through collegiate services. You briefly mentioned that your teeth hurt? You can speak witht he dental hygenists in training. You feel the need to see a counselor for your anger/depression? Talk to the students in the counseling department. Most school have a requirement for graduate students to work with some "walk ins" while being supervised.

These are just a couple of additional options so that you don't feel like everythign hinges on only making one choice. As for the advise from TGS... that would be the more direct and complete option. Talk to your folks about your health concerns. You are their son, and despite the fact that they stay busy with work, they care about you.

[ocato]

Well, the teeth thing is an example of atrocious stupidity. I bit into something I didn't know was solid and for the last year or so I've had this sinking suspicion that my front teeth were going to fall out. They change their mind and go from feeling solid to loose to strong to weak as things change. So I don't know.

I know Bloomington is lovely. C almost decided to go there. That would've been nice. However, it's very busy, and as I mentioned. I get very anxious in crowds.

[Serpentine]

Ugh, my teeth do that too. Probably not as bad, but still. Dreaming that one or more of them fell out every few nights for several months didn't help with that particular anxiety. I would suggest that even if it turns out to be just your imagination, it's well worth checking with a doctor just to reassure yourself.

[ZombieRockStar]

*sighs, walks in*

This has been a really bad week for me. As a few of you know, what I've done is go out west to the touristy town of Banff, in the Rocky Mountains, to look for a summer job. I was told that a lot of places out here are looking for student workers, and they are, and that they provide accommodation for their staff, which a few of them do.

However, after a mind-numbing bus ride, Greyhound loses half my luggage and two days later has still not been able to track it down. This luggage included my tent and sleeping bag, which I needed for camping. So I stayed Thursday night at the Y, but last night they were full and I had to buy a whole new tent (which was not cheap, this being a tourist town) and go camping without a sleeping bag. It was cold and raining and not pleasant at all.

With the job search, fewer places were offering rooms for their staff than I'd hoped, and I can't take a job without a place to stay, so my options are suddenly a lot more limited than I thought. I also had a hell of a time setting up a voice mail box for them to call me, since I don't have a cell, and it's raining so I'm wet even as I type this. I'm lucky to have found internet access without paying exorbitantly, even, and I don't get unlimited time.

So basically, I'm frustrated because, while I still have quite a bit of money to live off of, I want to spend as little of it as possible because I'm supposed to be saving for a new guitar. So I've not even been eating much, trying to keep my expenses low. I feel really disoriented, jerked around by circumstance, and I feel stranded and helpless.

My thoughts are that if I can't find a job in the next couple of days, I might as well buy a bus ticket home and just find some job there. I'm also really depressed because, except for e-mail, I'm cut off from the person I miss the most and who usually helps me feel better about these things when I'm talking to her on AIM.

I'm usually good at living independently...why is it so hard this time? I guess, at the least, this'll be a learning experience for me...sorta. I don't even know.

[Xykon_Fan]

Wow. I'm sorry ZRS; you seem like a pretty decent guy and I don't think it sounds like you're completely getting what you deserve. I guess not many people do though.

Anyway, you do still have money, and if it's enough to buy a new guitar, you may be able to dip into it if things get really bad. I realize (being a fellow guitar player) the scale of "guitar" vs. "life" is hard, but keep in mind that you don't necessarily have to have that new guitar right now.

That all said, I wouldn't suggest sticking around for too long if you don't have to. You know your situation better than I do, but having limited access to everyone, and especially the one person who usually makes you feel better, seems harsh. I really hope your luggage turns up soon; maybe they offer some sort of compensation for losing it for that long?

I know this seems horrible right now, but try to remember that it probably will be very different looking back on it. So long as nothing permanently bad happens, this will be an adventure you can look back on...man, that sounded so cliche.

Either way, I'm sure things will eventually turn up for the better (and I tends towards pessimism). The question is really what you make of this experience. If you can, try to have at least one good meal, or at the very least, understand that some of the anxiety and stuff that you're feeling could be partly hunger and lack of blood sugar.

I hope any of that helps...sorry about your situation.

Bryant

[sktarq]

My little selfishness: My Canadian friend isn't talking to me at all, <snip> even when things are otherwise good.

*I don't believe I'm about to type this*

There are lots of reason why people suddenly seem to drop out of contact. By the sounds of it Justin's may well fall into the whole "Pride" catagory. He knows he wronged you and is sorta hoping that if he ignores it long enough it will all just go away somehow. Particularly if he feels he already messed up once (with the whole trip cancelation). It's totally selfish, but human brains are preverse that way. (well at least mine is; I'm not so sure about the rest of this "humanity" business). It could be he found a someone and it played hell with, perhaps unbroached, affection issues he had for you. It could be he is hoping you have forgotten him or moved on and that contact will just make things worse
I can totally understand his place to be honest.

[Serpentine]

I knew he had a someone, an American lass who came to visit him once or twice when we were still talking. He never seemed to have any real issues talking to me about her or anything, and I was happy enough to talk to him about my someone... It was one of the nice things about our friendship, having someone not directly connected to complain and gloat to.
If you understand his place, does that mean you have any ideas of what I could do?
By the way, the 2nd friend he introduced me to is still talking to me. Huh. And he just sent me a photo of Justin. So he's still alive, but put on a lot of weight and not looking too healthy... ah, this is muchly goodness, he's being awful helpful ^_^ (or possibly malicious, it's hard to tell with Kiegan...) He's given me Justin's Facebook thingy, which is very tempting to post here But I won't, cuz I'm nice. He's also pointed me in the direction of his phone number, which is nice (or again, possibly malicious).

edit: So he's talking to me again. Three cheers for emotional rants that include threats to call from overseas! He was "busy" Of course, seeing as a large part of that busy was going to funerals and hospitals for family and looking after his aunt and doing lots of work, I now feel bad for bothering him. And apparently he sent that parcel, but I didn't get it. >sigh< Well, I guess that's me out of here, then...

[smellie_hippie]

Serpentine: Glad to hear that you are starting to speak with your friend again. Unless I misread that edit... in which case I'm sorry he's being an unreachable jerk.

ZRS: Have faith my friend. Your Jazzmaster will wait for you. Learn from the hippies who go on strange camping excursions (following touring bands). Invest in bread, peanut butter, honey, and ramen noodles. Oh... and vitamins. You can survive on them, just not very likely to thrive.

[TigerHunter]

I suppose doing this couldn't hurt.
None of you know me, so I'd probably start there. I'm 15, and a pretty good student. I only have one person I'd call a friend, although there are a lot of people that I feel close to.
I've been in the hospital twice in the past month for depression/aggression. The first time was because I smashed a window, a chair, and a few other inanimate objects, the second because I slapped my mother.
The first time, they put me on Lexapro, which didn't work and made the situation worse. They claim it shouldn't have had any effect, but I noticed that I became impulsive and less calm while on it, so I convinced them to discontinue it.
Then my second admission came around, and I they agreed that if I didn't want drugs, it was my right to refuse. However, after discharge, I finally admitted that I was depressed, and they recommended Prozac, which I'm currently taking.
It hasn't kicked in yet, though, and I'm still depressed. I even know the source of the problem, I'm just too stupid to stop. I spend too much time on the computer. I don't even enjoy it--I'd much rather go for a hike, read, or hang out with somebody, but I lack the motivation to even leave the house. All week, I've been planning to fill my backpacks with books, ride out to the forest preserve, and find a nice, isolated spot to read in, but I've kept opting to play stupid games that I don't even enjoy.
To add to that, my hospitalizations prevented me from doing either my term paper or taking my final exams, so I've got those hanging over my head, which doesn't help matters.
And my friend seems reluctant/too busy to get together with me, and I feel like calling up anyone from school would be awkward. I can't wait for school to start again, which... just isn't right.

Thanks. I think typing this really helped.

[smellie_hippie]

*snip*
Thanks. I think typing this really helped.

QFT. Sometimes just spitting it out there to complete strangers can be all you need. Sorry to hear about your struggles. Some medications work well for some teens... some don't. Here's something that you might try to help with your motivation. Go ahead and pack your backpack with your supplies for a forest refuge of reading and relaxation. You don't have to go, or feel that packing means you need to finish the excursion. You can still sit down and play a video-game after you finish getting ready to go.

Hippie

[Sulenth]

You don’t know me.. and this is probably going to sound idiotic... but I saw your post and it struck a chord with me... So here I am.. Newly registered.

I’ve been in the same spot you are... Back in 2004 (14 at the time) I was depressed as hell and hospitalized in an institution because of it... I was suicidal and to the point of hearing of voices... Tried to kill myself no less than three different times... Depression is hell.. Plain and simple. “grins wryly” But I don’t need to tell you that...

While I can’t offer a magical cure. What I can say is this. The most important thing you can do is not give up. Keep fighting and don’t give in to the grimness... It’s an uphill battle.. but you can win it.

Why? Because there is a light at the end of the tunnel... It’ll get better and though it might not seem like it... Life will get back to the way it was. It always does... There is hope.. and though might seem like its impossible at times. Depression CAN be beaten. Finding the right medication can be a pain.. (Oh lord.. The memories..) but with a little luck.. You’ll find the right one(s) and begin the road to getting back to normal

Good luck and Godspeed!

[Katonta]

I finally admitted that I was depressed, and they recommended Prozac, which I'm currently taking.
It hasn't kicked in yet, though, and I'm still depressed.

The meds need time to work. None works overnight, often taking up to six weeks for their full effect to be noticed.
*snip*
Also, there are many different medications out there. You need to try a few before you find the one (or ones) that works.

HA! I made a post without saying a word! Wait, Doh!

But, on the semi-serious side, Bor always has good things that you can quote.

Also, I second everything Sulenth said.

[Serpentine]

An incidental note on my Canadian friend: he reads OotS, but has no interest in foruming.

[Dallas-Dakota]

girl I like, doesnt like me,has a secret boy friend .


edit : that was just ment as a big dot. and serpentine......get out of her youre to happy!

[Katonta]

Boy, Dallas, seems like you've had some rough days lately. Not being able to pass with a class that you liked to be with, not being able to ask the girl you like out on a date, etc. Although there may be not much I can do, I can offer my sympathy, second the thought that Hippie said and see if you can catch those classes up during the summer, so that you can pass with the class you like, and give you some of the local currency, "*hugs*".

P.S. No one can be too happy for anywhere. Sure this may be a depression thread, but that doesn't mean we don't need those people that are happy to cheer us up. Besides, if we kick out all the happy people, I would be gone and then where would we be?

[Serpentine]

Oh. Well... okay.
>scuffs foot. Walks slowly away hands in pockets. Looks back wistfully... scuffs foot again. Sigh, single tear, slow shuffle away...<

snip'd cuz belongs in RW&A

[The Great Skenardo]

Oh. Well... okay.
>scuffs foot. Walks slowly away hands in pockets. Looks back wistfully... scuffs foot again. Sigh, single tear, slow shuffle away...<

snip'd cuz belongs in RW&A

And with that, you once again 'qualify' to be here.

[Serpentine]

Huzzah! ^_^ Wait... crap.

[The Great Skenardo]

Catch-22, eh what?

But seriously, everyone is welcome here. Just like on the boards itself.

[Dallas-Dakota]

...sleepy...

ehm, everybody is welcome here.
and, hyper people are forbidden in my room, unless I am hyper.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Wow...Miss a few days of having internet access and this thread just fills up, don't it?

I had me a little adventure on Tuesday night that is sure to become an ongoing Bor story. It invloves me, a nineteen-year-old neighbor, and a gun.

I was coming home from the market when I saw her tearing apart her car. That is, the inside of the car is a disaster, and she was literally throwing trash out in search of - get this - a baby bird! She was going to take it to an animal rehabilitation center when the bird seemingly vanished. (She later found it in an air duct.) But during her search, she shined a flashlight under her passenger seat and said, "What is THAT?" This question was followed by her answering herself, "Oh my G-d, it's a loaded gun! There's a loaded gun in my car!"

Calmly, I said, "Let me see it."

She pulled it out, and sure enough, it was a big 9 mm semiautomatic pistol. Thinking quickly, I grabbed a bag, carefully placed the gun inside, and brought it back to my apartment. I did this for several reasons. First, while I may not be the most emotionally stable person on the planet, she is less so. Second...Well, the first point actually creates a list of reasons. The fear that she might hurt herself or someone else, or do something as dumb as try to pawn a gun she didn't own was disconcerting. Finally, I knew what the right thing to do was, while she might foolishly keep it.

For added stress and fun, the gun was placed inside a plastic bag. In all honesty, I wanted no contact with the thing, and my neighbors certainly didn't need to see me carrying it. So what happens? The gun's barrel pokes through the bottom of the bag, and I'm forced to actually handle the gun. This becomes even more nerve-racking, as I don't know for sure if the gun is loaded, and have no idea if the safety is on!

Once inside, I called the police with the basic message, "Please come get this thing away from me!" Alas, since all they were going to do was pick up a possibly stolen object, with no suspects on hand, they were in no rush to come get it. I waited just over three hours for the police to arrive.

Now, for those who are new or have not been following along, I suffer emotional difficulties. Mental illness adds a whole slew of new and exciting thoughts to my beliegered head. I kept flashing back to when I had been robbed at gunpoint. Another thought was of the gun falling off the shelf where I'd put it, discharging, having the bullet ricochet around my apartment, and then hitting me - not somewhere fatal, but where it would hurt me for the remainder of my life. And that long list of dumb things my neighbor might do? I considered them.

The cops that arrived at my door were an unlikely pair. He was a towering six feet, about 200 pounds. She was all of five foot, six, maybe 130 pounds. (And REALLY cute!) While she took the report, he collected the gun...which he almost dropped! The gun WAS loaded. He unloaded it. Once they took my statement, they had me call my neighbor to have her discuss how the gun ended up in her car.

I don't know. Maybe it's the generational gap. As my neighbor told her tale, the most common word used was "like." "My friend would, like, run away a lot. And she took the gun and was like, 'I'm gonna, like, pawn it,' and I was all like,..." And I looked at the tall cop and asked, "Can you see why I didn't ask for the details?" He nodded his understanding. I asked if he understood any of this, and he claimed he did. I asked if it was s second language skill, and he replied, "When you've been doing this as long as I have, you get used to it."

The point of all this is that I'm upset. When real, verifiable violence enters my life, my nerves become frayed. My PTSD does aweful things to me, and I truly wish such instruments of death and destruction didn't exist. I truly wish there was peace of Earth and goodwill toward all, not just during the holidays, but throughout the year.

[Narmoth]

Meh. I failed my exam again. This has become a ******* tradition for every ******* year of my university education. last year I took the exam again in the end of the summer and then passed, so I was able to continue on the study (medicine if anyone wonders) and that's what I'm going to do this time also.
I mean, I'm think I'm actually going to pass the exam when I take it again in August, but it's just so ******* frustrating to do this every ******* year.
Also, I loose my summer vacation again, and I don't get to work and earn money this summer either, something that would be wery much helpfull, as I don't get any studying stipend/loan in the summer months. It is so much ******* ruining all m ******* plans for this ******* summer.

Guess I need to cut back on the cursing, the last sentence has almost more
" ******* " than it has actuall words.

--------
(Yeah, the "***" is by me, so it's less work for others to sensor my writing. )

[gooddragon1]

I tend to sleep a lot, and yah. Depression I guess, but the sleeping does help.

[Vhaidara]

My gecko died, and my other one isn't eating. I've been sad for a while before I found this, mostly because I wasn't sure what to do to let people know. Let us pray that Spot enjoys heaven, and that Speckle eats again.