The Kender Conspiracy

[Forum Explorer]

The kender. Small, annoying, a pest upon the world, being who should be wiped out and yet somehow seem to thrive despite living in a world that hates them, is full of danger, and they have a complete lack of survival instinct.

How does this come about? Are they favored by the gods, protected by a higher power, are they a Mary Sue race and survive only by DM/Author Fiat?

No, I say. Their survival, and indeed their thriving is only logical. If anything, the gods cursed them severe ADD and suicidal tendencies to keep them in check.

How so? Simple.

They are a race that consists entirely of PCs.

Every kender goes adventuring, and they start at a young age. They go through level appropriate encounters (dodging town guard) as they level up. They take whatever possessions of NPCs that they desire (as any good PC would do), they have a total disrespect of authority, a locked door is seen more as an invitation then an obstacle, and they actively seek out dangers and quests for the fun of it.

In what way are they not the typical player character?

So here you have a race of level 10-15 rogues/bards/fighters in a world of 1-6 mostly mundanes. That is why they survive and thrive in such a dangerous world. They are simply grossly overleveled in comparison to most of it. You want proof? Okay. In the War of the Lance, the only Dragon Highlord slain by non-main characters, was killed by kender. The weakest one, sure. But they didn't just slay the Highlord, they also completely drove out the dragonarmies. An army of draconians, goblins, and hobgoblins defeated by mere kender.

And that's not the only time.

In Dragons of a Summer Flame, the army of blue barbarians are ordered to exterminate the kender species altogether. What happens? The kender survive. An invincible army that had so far defeated the Knights, conquered the entire world, and had dragons backing them up failed in their primary objective. The kender apparently put up such a fierce fight that the Dark Knights decided that it was better to keep them alive. That's right, they put up a bigger fight then the humans, elves, and dwarves put together.


And the world has adapted appropriately.

The guards don't bother to keep kender jailed, they just escort them out of town after 24 hours because they know that they'll simply break out of jail if they try and keep them. Towns may ban kender from entering, but they don't try and force them out when they inevitably sneak in. And if a kender steals something, he isn't punished, they just take the item back. Why? Cause they know they'll lose the fight.

Okay, so why does this matter? The kender can't think straight, and are more or less harmless. Sure they're a nuisance, but what can you do right?

You can prepare for the oncoming doom that's what. For now, in the Age of Mortals, a new breed of kender has arisen. A breed that is not suicidal in tendency. A breed that can stay focused and doesn't act like giddy school children. A breed that wants revenge. Yes, I speak of the one and only, 'Afflicted Kender'.

So warn your friends! It's not too late to stop them while their numbers are still small! Or perhaps you can find a way to restore the curse that keeps the ordinary kender in line. But if you wait, your time will run out, and soon these kender will take over. So spread the word, keep a wary eye out, and always remember, the kender are much more dangerous then they look.

I think I just came up with the best Dragonlance campaign ever.

[Pyrous]

And that is exactly why you kill kender on sight.

[DigoDragon]

The one time I played a Kender, I was mostly helpful to the party. Some might say 'well that's not how you play a Kender right', to which I counter 'Tass in the Dragonlance novels was mostly helpful, and further why complain about not playing a Kender as the klepto annoyance if you're just gonna complain about them being a klepto annoyance?'

Anyway, to the OP I like the conspiracy theory. Lost it at the Afflicted Kender part. :D
Where's the Like button on this post?

[Winter_Wolf]

I think there was something like afflicted kender in the 2e Taladas boxed set. Also gnomes made things that actually work properly (if still overblown and overdone). It was Krynn, but it wasn't Dragonlance. Honestly that's a huge point in it's favor as far as I'm concerned. Once upon a time I read and enjoyed the Dragonlance trilogy and had the DLA hardback orange cover book. Taladas and the Otherlands supplement turned Ansalon from "the world" into a continent, and the less pleasant one at that.

I love the conspiracy theory. It's like a whole race of DM's revenge. It also handily explains why players hate them so much. Be kind of funny if the game premise was "you can play kender, but only if the whole party does." Actually I think it would be a lot better than just one kender in the party.

[goto124]

Be kind of funny if the game premise was "you can play kender, but only if the whole party does." Actually I think it would be a lot better than just one kender in the party.

Would that be a game of Paranoia?

[DigoDragon]

Would that be a game of Paranoia?

This wins all the waffles. ^

[holywhippet]

It does make sense to regard them as PCs - especially if all of them have rogue class levels. When it comes to a fight there's nothing quite as bad as facing an army of creatures with good stealth skills and backstab damage bonuses.

[goto124]

How does this come about? Are they favored by the gods, protected by a higher power, are they a Mary Sue race and survive only by DM/Author Fiat?

No, I say. Their survival, and indeed their thriving is only logical. (snip)

How so? Simple.

They are a race that consists entirely of PCs.

But if they're PCs, that means they do survive only by DM fiat!

[Arbane]

When it comes to a fight there's nothing quite as bad as facing an army of creatures with good stealth skills and backstab damage bonuses.

Facing them is the easy part. It's having them BEHIND you that really hurts.

[JNAProductions]

Beautiful. I don't use Kender, but now I might. I just might. (I'm also a 5E player, so Kender don't exist officially. Yet.)

[Lurking drunk]

This theory just changed my life. I never liked kenders (big surprise, huh?) and I've read that 1d4chan about kenders. But my friends there's hope, we CAN stop the kenders from existing! Someone must become a lich and paralyze ALL kenders with his touch (like that fella ), assuming the kenders dont steal his phylactery and jump with it to a pool of lava cuz $W4G.

Another thing about those 'Afflicted Kenders' first thing my racist, not-so politically correct mind did is calling them halflings

[Blackhawk748]

*reads Conspiracy theory*



*runs to get the Heavy Weaponry*



EVERYBODY LOCK AND LOAD!!

[FocusWolf413]

Well.... yeah? But we already knew that, right? Wasn't that supposed to be clear? "Hey, kender really suck but they are literally unkillable and they defy laws of reality with skill checks so let's try to not get in their way." Sounds like how guards treat most adventurers.

[daremetoidareyo]

You have to go one level deeper, OP.

The kender are within all of us. Anthropologically speaking.

The reason why people revile them so hard is because deep down, they secretly want to be absolutely free of fear and free of materialism. That is why players are so enamored with them. That is why they really want to try out in roleplaying games what that freedom really feels like. Because they can never ever be that free in real life. The world that mass produces the tools necessary to emulate a freedom over fear and materialism cannot also provide a mechanism to accurately triangulate how to even do it. The world that players come from is too egocentric, too myopically selfish, that when granted the agency to be free of both fear and concepts of property, they immediately become dysfunctional immoral fools.

[Psyren]

Are they favored by the gods, protected by a higher power, are they a Mary Sue race and survive only by DM/Author Fiat?

I know you're (mostly) kidding, but this in fact literally the explanation.

[Final Hyena]

Also a Kender surprise is much less exciting than you would hope.