Your Mother was a Hamster - Taunts and Mockery for the Ages

[Madbox]

What are the best instances you have seen of mockery and taunting in a game? I'll start us off.

Someone at my table (D&D 5e) had an idea that we have yet to execute, but we definitely will soon. I play a conjuration wizard, and we have the minor illusion and mage hand cantrips between various party members. So, next time we meet the BBEG, use my minor conjuration class feature to create a puppet that resembles him, use mage hand to control it, and use minor illusion for a squeaky version of his voice.

So whaddaya got, playground?

[Bulhakov]

Have you tried the Shakespearean insult generator?

http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/index.html

Or the Foul-o-matic:

http://foulomatic.hnldesign.nl/

[Joe the Rat]

Illusionist wizard could do it all with minor illusion.

While "Mad mustachioed, purple-hued maltworm" has its appeal, maybe something tuned more towards the BBEG? Sure, you could call him(?) a verminous, ill-pated, miasmic pudding, but you could use that on anyone. Make it personal.

What's the race/social standing/personal history/taste in confectioneries of the villain?

Oh, and make sure the puppet has googly eyes. It's always better with googly eyes.

[Vinyadan]

Dishonour on you! Dishonour on your cow! Dishonour on your thong!

[PersonMan]

Crusader Kings has some interesting insults.

"Damn your seventh grandfather!" is my favorite.

Others include:

"Tales of your misdeeds are told from Ireland to Cathay!"

"May your humors rot in your living body."

"May you be sown up inside the body of a dead camel."

[Christopher K.]

I would up on a small ledge overlooking an encounter while the melee fighters were hacking away at a purple worm, along with the injured bard, whose wounds I was tending. So we decided to Statler and Waldorf it - side jokes from the peanut gallery.

"You know, [the fighter]'s sword reminds me of a 90's anti hero"
"What, why?"
"It's all edge with no point!"
D'OHOHOHO

[DigoDragon]

Taunts and mockery? This is one of my favorite slaps in the face--

James: "Oww, all this talk of economics makes my brain hurt."
Trixie: "Congratulations, your brain isn't completely dead."
James: "You know, a back-hoof compliment is still a back-hoof compliment."
Trixie: "Oh that was never meant to be a compliment."

Bonus Sarcasm Round--

Trixie: "Oh gee, let Trixie cast Detect Common Sense. Hey, the spell failed. Trixie wonders why?"

[Âmesang]

You fight like a dairy farmer!

[Vinyadan]

Are you fighting? Is that fighting? Are you real? You move like a chicken with its head cut off. You'd better get back to your hen house - or are you free range? Seriously, if this is all that poultry has to offer nowadays, you may as well start calling me a vegetarian.

[JenBurdoo]

This week I repurposed the "Brave Sir Robin" song and played it on ukelele for my players, substituting the names of the characters. I even wore a feathered hat for the occasion. It went over... well, in that I got a reaction -- they asked the bard to stop making fun of their cowardice and when he wouldn't, tried (and failed) to steal his lute.

[goto124]

It went over... well, in that I got a reaction -- they asked the bard to stop making fun of their cowardice and when he wouldn't, tried (and failed) to steal his lute.

Was that IC or OOC?

[Slipperychicken]

I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you!

[Malimar]

Please tell me your name, so that I can memorize it and then throw my head away.

[Vinyadan]

I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you!

[RyumaruMG]

You fight like a dairy farmer!

How appropriate! You fight like a cow!

[graymagiker]

The most memorable one was this:

It was the start of an epic campaign, the other player and myself were given 30 levels and 5LA (couldn't be used for straight levels but could be used for races with LA without subtracting from the 30).

Since we want to have fun and not pun pun / OP the **** out of the game, we make fairly straightforward characters. Both of us choose Half-Celestial template. I was a LN monk with leadership and the other player was a CG sorcerer.

Well it turns out that the quest giver at the beginning of the game/campaign is Asmodeus himself. Out of respect for the game/meta-game we agreed not to see if we could off him right at the start, but being LN and CG we felt the need to get in a viscous taunt right out of the gate.

Asmodeus: "I am Asmodeus, as you know, and you're probably wondering why I summoned you here."
ME: "As Moe Day Us? Never heard of you."

[Traab]

May the lice of a thousand beggars nest in your genitals!
You are the son of a thousand fathers, all of them bastards like you!

I suggest looking up top 100 movie insults for some good ones, if foul in language. Lots of fairly unknown ones mixed in with the ever popular choices.

"You despise me, dont you?"
"Well if I gave you any thought I probably would."

You can even add in top 100 threats for some good one liners that can be adapted to your character.

"The next thing you pull out of your pocket had best be a sandwich, cause im gonna make you eat it!"

[goto124]

How does one be a son of a thousand fathers?

[PersonMan]

How does one be a son of a thousand fathers?

I guess it's a slightly more subtle way of saying "your mother was exceptionally promiscuous and therefore of dubious moral character".

[Braininthejar2]

"Your father wore a green hat"

(this one is rather obscure :p )

[hymer]

My favourite one, which unfortunately doesn't work in mid-battle particularly well. In fact, it belongs in a letter.

"There are certain things that, as a gentleman, I will not say in front of my secretary. But since you are neither a gentleman nor a lady, I think you know what I mean."

[JohnTheSavage]

"You're so ugly that when you tried to enter an ugly contest they said 'No professionals!'"

[Jay R]

After the party rogue failed in a particularly egregious manner, I asked him, "Have you considered multi-classing to Rogue next level?"

-------------

Jean-Louis, my Flashing Blades character, attacked an old man who turned out to be a fencing master. After Jean-Louis's first attack, the old man said that he had managed to combine the elegance of a plow horse with the killer instinct of a milk cow.

[Traab]

I guess it's a slightly more subtle way of saying "your mother was exceptionally promiscuous and therefore of dubious moral character".

Basically yeah, your mother was a prostitute who slept with all of the men everywhere, and all of those potential dads were also total bastards. It was a line from an old western film.

[Khedrac]

After the party rogue failed in a particularly egregious manner, I asked him, "Have you considered multi-classing to Rogue next level?"

-------------

Jean-Louis, my Flashing Blades character, attacked an old man who turned out to be a fencing master. After Jean-Louis's first attack, the old man said that he had managed to combine the elegance of a plow horse with the killer instinct of a milk cow.

Now both of these are excellent - I will have to remember them

[Vinyadan]

Nice rack!
Thank you! I'm reserving one for you in my castle.

[Khedrac]

Ah yes, insults, I remembered this gem:

"Oh, yes," Edmund replied. "...As to taunting . . . Try this." He thought for a moment then cleared his throat.

"Dionys, thou art a coward. Sooth doth thou send others before thee and refrain from the strife thyself. Thou strikest women yet shirk to strike a man, lest thy pustulent skin be cut by a blade fairer than thy own. Sooth, thou art a coward, McCanoc."

"What?" Dionys shouted, slamming another blow into the shield. Edmund turned it aside as if it was of no importance and continued.

"Dionys, thou art a braggart. Braggart thou art for nought, for in every contest thou art defeated. Fighter of weaklings and braggarts like thyself, whensoever a true knight face thee, thou runs away. Yet, in sooth, from this cowardly retreat dost thou make brag. McCanoc, thou art a braggart."

...

"Dionys, thou art smelly. Thy breath stinks of the rotten ejacula of horses, which, sooth, thou dost love as thy morning drink. Thy body reeks with the stench of fear, and the manure of asparagus-eating goats is better than the smell from thy mustache. McCanoc, thou art a stinker."

...

"Dionys, thou art ugly. Thy orcs doth not run forward to the fight, but away from thy countenance. Sooth, in the history of the ill-favored, thy name is held in high esteem. Thy whore mother screamed at first sight of thee as the replicator burst open of its own accord in horror. The ill-fortuned persons that were forced to care for thee had to put a pork chop around thy neck to get the dog to play with thee. Further, sooth, when it did, it mistook thy ass for thy face and preferred it to lick. McCanoc, thou art ugly.

"Dionys, thou art stupid. Thrice hast thou attacked us and thrice have we thrown thee back, though we be but, forsooth, a fraction of thy number. Thou art unlettered and hath never read of the term 'defeat in detail,' for, assuredly, but those few letters would require all day and the use of both of your pustulent forefingers. But the veriest simpleton canst understand that thine tactics are those of a school-yard bully held back until his tutors at last release him as a man full grown yet unable to manage fingerpainting. The very fact that thou canst breathe must be by the arts of some homunculi or hob, smarter than thou, who doth sit upon thy shoulder and whisper in thy ear, 'breathe in, breathe out' else surely thou wouldst cease in this vital activity for lack of thought. Canst thou walk and chew bubble gum at the same time it is asked and I cry 'Nay' for I have found you, face down, the bubble gum before you upon the ground as proof.

"McCanoc, thou art stupid."

"And that," he finished taking another blow on the shield and stopping his dance, "is how a professional insults someone! Now, go away, or I'll start in on Arabic you miserable mound of gelatinous pus!"

[ExLibrisMortis]

The best insult I've heard was in this song. Bear in mind it's in Dutch. I'll translate.

Original: "Jij bent niet geboren, jij bent op een paal gescheten door een zieke meeuw!"
Translation: "You weren't born, you were shat onto a bollard by a sick gull!"

The imagery is resplendent.

[Traab]

One knight speaking to another

“My Lord, I find thy face apelike and thy form misshapen. Thy beard, moreover, is an offense against decency, resembling more closely the scabrous fur which doth decorate the hinder portion of a mongrel dog than a proper adornment for a human face. Is it possible that thy mother, seized by some wild lechery, did dally at some time past with a randy goat?"

When the other knight was too flabbergasted to respond to this, he went on to say something along the lines of,

"I see your ill breeding has robbed you of speech as well as honor, so i shall have to goad you further." Now normally you throw a gauntlet at a mans feet to challenge him to a duel, this knight missed his opponents feet and slammed a metal gauntlet directly into his face. Oops.