How not to crossgender roleplay

[Talakeal]

I was going to post this in my "pregenerated characters" thread but thought this deserved its own topic.

In short, my group of two years started a new game with pregenerated characters and I gave it a try, and it went very poorly.

One of the most hurtful things that was said before I left the group was that I shouldn't be allowed to play a female character because I "do so really badly."

This shocked me, and ever since it happened I have been wracking my brain trying to understand what was meant by it. I could just ask the person who said it, but I am A: embarrassed to have that conversation and B: know that if I reach out to open talks with the group I am going to get sucked back into the game rather than making a clean break.

So, in short:


How does one play a female character badly? What are some common pitfalls associated with cross-gender roleplaying?




Now, if anyone wants to know a little bit more about my personal situation:

I have been playing with this group for a little over two years and played the same character the whole time. I felt very comfortable in the RP, but apparently I was doing something that was cringe-worthy or offensive the whole time without me realizing it or anyone else pointing it out to me. Now keep in mind, this is the ONLY character that this person has ever seen me play.

I am the "specialist" type of gamer who likes to play similar characters in every game. In the past 20 years of RPing 9/10 of my characters have been female, and I am personally a lot more comfortable playing a female character than a male one, and I always thought I was fairly in tune with my female side. When I was in college I had creative writing professors tell me I was good at a female voice, software that analyzes the gender of an author usually pegs my writing as the work of a female, my parents are always mad at me for not acting "manly" enough, and in high school when I asked my friends for dating advice they always told me that my problem was that I approached relationships like a girl and needed to learn to see things from a man's point of view.

So, this has kind of shaken my confidence in my ability to RP, and I am now wondering just how bad I am at not only playing a woman but as playing any character at all.

[Max_Killjoy]

It's quite likely that you simply were not playing out some sort of stereotypical presumed femininity.

My advice on playing any character is to avoid all thoughts of "what would an X do?", and instead concentrate entirely on "what would this character do?"

The blanket differences in psychological tendencies between the human physical genders absolutely pale in comparison to the differences between human individuals irrespective of gender. There is no accurate "women do this" or "men think this" that can be RPed in a way that's not at its core a silly caricature.

[Inevitability]

I obviously don't know about your exact situation, but have you considered just asking the group in what way you are 'bad' at playing a female character?

If they give reasons or examples, you can post them here for us to analyze. If they don't, you can rest easy knowing their remarks were baseless chatter.

That said, the very idea of playing any gender 'wrong' irks me. Unless your every female character amounts to the same backwards stereotypes (which doesn't seem to be the case here), I'm having trouble imagining how one would do so.

[Khedrac]

I think that's rather hard to quantify, but I would suggest that a first step to not playing badly is "don't stress it".

One of the first rules of RPG characters used to be that is the description stressed the comeliness and attributes of the character, then the player was of the opposite gender (yes, this was mainly men playing well endowed females, but it also worked the other way around).
Most people are just people, so playing naturally is a good start. Don't say something like "I do this because chicks/guys do this" - that is really sexist (and poor roleplaying).

Instead stop and think about what people might like to do, for example if the party ends up in a tavern, what drink do they choose and why? Go for subtle (even if the character isn't).
A male player with a female character might choose to have the character order wine (whether or not the character is going to get smashed) rather than head straight for the ale barrel. That is not to say all female and no male characters drink wine (what about a wine connosieur) but that you need to think what the character might do.
Also, try to be consistent. Don't only stress the character's gender occasionally, instead keep it in mind all the time, but try not to draw attention to it, just use it to help your decisions.

Basically this is probably the same advice that should apply to any good roleplaying.

Oddly, though I tend to think of myself as usually a poor roleplayer, back when I played EverQuest (the MMO) I had someone message me on an alt to check what gender I am in real life (male) - apparantly one of the women in the guild had fallen off her chair in surprise at being told I wasn't female (like my main character) and another one was messaging me to check! It wasn't that I tried to play female particularly (it wasn't a role-playing-heavy server) so I assume it was just that I never did anything to make her think I might not be female. Oh, said player was a "soccer-mom" playing while kids at school and so was usually on at the same time I was despite being in a very different time-zone.
Hence my advice of subtlety.

[Geddy2112]

Normally I only see it as a problem if you are playing a hypersexualized character. Like some drow cleric priestess in BDSM garb for armor, a suave cassanova that tries to bed every female he sees, the entire FATAL system...

Basically just don't talk about sexuality or gender regardless what your characters views are on the matter. Double if you are playing a character who has a gender/sexuality different than your own. At some tables this is fine, but if you don't know the general group opinion on the matter, air on the side of caution and don't. I have played a character who was homosexual, never once came up. Nobody knew, was not really relevant to the story, my character never talked about it. Generally in a world with heroic adventures going into dungeons, slaying monsters, saving the world etc. that stuff just won't come up.

Sometimes it does matter-I had my paladin get hit with the spell unnatural lust, which grants a +4 to the save if your character would not be sexually attracted to the target. The fact that my paladin had sworn an oath of celibacy suddenly mattered, and I argued that her faith and chastity would prevent her from ever having sexual feelings to the target, DM agreed. With the bonus, I hit the DC on the nose.

For your case-that is a really crappy thing to be told, and without any explanation why. Also, for a group to go years without saying "hey, this makes me uncomfortable" and then the fact that you are leaving the group leads me to believe it goes deeper than this. I would chalk it up to an offhand comment that is probably a symptom of much bigger issues and related to why you are leaving. Plus, it is one person's opinion. Not worth racking your brain or giving a flip about. Double so cause you are leaving that group-life is too short to worry what people think. Unless you are playing a rapey BDSM drow priestess in which case you were probably going too far unless you were playing FATAL.

[RickAllison]

I am the person who has taken a tendency to play crossgendered characters, mainly because I was sick of having the only female representation in the group be NPCs. Some examples of how these attempts were handled:

Gearslinger: A very tomboyish character, she was a superhero whose costume completely obscured her and had a voice modulator to protect her identity. Other than the occasional feminist push (in her secret identity, calling the group out on their lack of gender-inclusion; as a superhero, bringing in a sidekick/intern in preparation for establishing her as a prominent hero in the area, etc.), she played out just like a male counterpart would have. Until the gender division was made an issue, it never mattered.

Akarkhentkats "Kat": Call of Cthulhu, turn of the 20th Century. Gender division came up in her backstory for why she was working as a librarian when she was higher-qualified, but otherwise the only difference between her and the male investigators was clothing. At one point none of the other PCs would head down these stairs into a church, so Kat got to snark, "And here I thought men were supposed to be the brave ones," as she blazed the trail. She was a science geek and very fond of explosives, qualities that perfectly fit numerous humans both male and female.

Raquel Esguerra-Allison: The most effeminate of the female PCs I've had, she was actually based off of an icon of masculinity, James Bond, crossed with M since she moved out of the field. Crack shot, good at infiltration, used her attributes as a weapon. Exemplified how "feminine" archetypes are just reflections of similar "masculine" archetypes.

Long story short, you can't play a crossgendered character wrong. Unless you are RPing specifically to insult said gender, most crossgendered characters are simply a same-gendered character with a few minor alterations.

[Cluedrew]

Judging by the context I would say there is no truth to this criticism. Still good on you for taking the moment to reflect anyways. On to the question:

How does one play a female character badly? What are some common pitfalls associated with cross-gender roleplaying?

Play an offensive stereotype. That's really the only way I can think of, mind you I would recommend staying away from stereotypes in general but that is more to do with how interesting the characters turn out rather than it being wrong.

Although I suppose people might get offended faster if you cross a ethnic/gender line to play a stereotype. But that is just how people are (I'll admit I'd be more worried if a guy was playing a scantily clad Amazon than if a girl was).

Pitfalls are similar: don't rely on stereotypes, always think of the character themselves first and the groups they belong to second. They may be a typical member of that group, but that should be because of who they are, not simply because they are part of that group.

[Grey Watcher]

I was going to post this in my "pregenerated characters" thread but thought this deserved its own topic.

In short, my group of two years started a new game with pregenerated characters and I gave it a try, and it went very poorly.

One of the most hurtful things that was said before I left the group was that I shouldn't be allowed to play a female character because I "do so really badly."

This shocked me, and ever since it happened I have been wracking my brain trying to understand what was meant by it. I could just ask the person who said it, but I am A: embarrassed to have that conversation and B: know that if I reach out to open talks with the group I am going to get sucked back into the game rather than making a clean break.

So, in short:


How does one play a female character badly? What are some common pitfalls associated with cross-gender roleplaying?




Now, if anyone wants to know a little bit more about my personal situation:

I have been playing with this group for a little over two years and played the same character the whole time. I felt very comfortable in the RP, but apparently I was doing something that was cringe-worthy or offensive the whole time without me realizing it or anyone else pointing it out to me. Now keep in mind, this is the ONLY character that this person has ever seen me play.

I am the "specialist" type of gamer who likes to play similar characters in every game. In the past 20 years of RPing 9/10 of my characters have been female, and I am personally a lot more comfortable playing a female character than a male one, and I always thought I was fairly in tune with my female side. When I was in college I had creative writing professors tell me I was good at a female voice, software that analyzes the gender of an author usually pegs my writing as the work of a female, my parents are always mad at me for not acting "manly" enough, and in high school when I asked my friends for dating advice they always told me that my problem was that I approached relationships like a girl and needed to learn to see things from a man's point of view.

So, this has kind of shaken my confidence in my ability to RP, and I am now wondering just how bad I am at not only playing a woman but as playing any character at all.

For broad advice on the topic at hand, I can only echo what everyone here has said: concentrate on your character's goals, fears, loved ones, hated foes, etc. when deciding what she does. Which it sounds like you already know how to do.

As for your situation in particular, I would hazard a guess that there's something else going on, and this person figured (incorrectly, apparently) that the trans-RP thing was something they could point to that wouldn't upset you as much as whatever they were really thinking.

At least that would be my wild speculation based on what little I know of what transpired.

Sorry you had a sucky time of it, in any event.

[Talakeal]

So the two main issues I have noticed is that you get the "playing a stereotype" or just playing a "guy with boobs." And of course, like most things, these are almost completely opposite ends of the same spectrum, so trying to correct in one direction will push me towards the other.

Normally I only see it as a problem if you are playing a hypersexualized character. Like some drow cleric priestess in BDSM garb for armor, a suave cassanova that tries to bed every female he sees, the entire FATAL system...

Basically just don't talk about sexuality or gender regardless what your characters views are on the matter. Double if you are playing a character who has a gender/sexuality different than your own. At some tables this is fine, but if you don't know the general group opinion on the matter, air on the side of caution and don't. I have played a character who was homosexual, never once came up. Nobody knew, was not really relevant to the story, my character never talked about it. Generally in a world with heroic adventures going into dungeons, slaying monsters, saving the world etc. that stuff just won't come up. .

My character was not very sexualized at all. She was attractive, although that wasn't really the focus of the character and I can't remember her ever flaunting her appearance / sexuality or use it to get her way. She was busty, but not disproportionately so, she was a larger character, more Ashley Graham than Pamela Anderson. She typically dressed like Abby from NICS, which I guess it a little overly sexualized / stereotypical, but no more so than I see daily around the campus.

She never had sex or a romantic relationship over the course of the campaign (although she is extremely over-protective of her female friends and a few players assumed she was a closet lesbian as a result). I remember flirting with men twice in the game, one PC and one NPC, and both times she was socially awkward enough that they didn't pick up on what I was trying to do and got mad at me. One time another female PC hit on me her and she got scared and backed down.*


The group in question is OOC about half male half female, but the party was (usually, we had a few switch outs in the roster) all girl, thus I was not the only one cross roleplaying. There was a fair amount of (non-graphic) sexual activity in the group, and we had gay, straight, and bi characters of both genders both IC and OOC.

For your case-that is a really crappy thing to be told, and without any explanation why. Also, for a group to go years without saying "hey, this makes me uncomfortable" and then the fact that you are leaving the group leads me to believe it goes deeper than this. I would chalk it up to an offhand comment that is probably a symptom of much bigger issues and related to why you are leaving. Plus, it is one person's opinion. Not worth racking your brain or giving a flip about. Double so cause you are leaving that group-life is too short to worry what people think...

Honestly this was the straw that broke the camels back. I hadn't planned to leave the group until this was said. I was unsure about the whole pregen thing, and several other events that happened during the first session made me seriously consider leaving the group, but it wasn't until this comment that I actually made up my mind. And at no point did I ever actually say I was leaving the group, I just kind of left and cut off contact with everyone (not good at confrontations here).



*: That was a weird situation and might actually have something to do with it. We were undercover and she was pretending to be my step mother and trying to get me to leave a situation and said something like "Your father and I are going to bed you need to come with us," and my character teasingly said something like "You want me to go to bed with you guys? Gross." at which point she called my bluff and told me that I was welcome to join them if I liked. At which point my character got scared and backed down. Now, my character is normally very stubborn and fearless and rarely backs down from a challenge, so OOC I said "Well, apparently you found a way to beat her, she isn't very good at "gay chicken"." At which point the player told me OOC that she finds the term "gay chicken" to be extremely offensive IRL, at which point I got embarrassed OOC and dropped the subject.

[Verbannon]

Most of my players play female characters for some reason. It has no impact on roleplay at all as far as I can tell. They act the same as men women do.

[Vitruviansquid]

Well, you don't want to crossgender roleplay with the intention to disparage members of the opposite sex. No matter what other rules of thumb you follow, if you are crossgender roleplaying with intention to disparage members of the opposite sex, you will unpreventably emit signals of that intention to people who will instinctually pick up on it and instinctually feel like you're being scummy.

Of course, on the flip side, if someone was sitting at the table with certain gender biases, he/she will also unpreventably detect those signals from people doing crossgender roleplay whether or not those signals were actually being emitted. So I guess what I'm trying to say is: it could always be them, and not you.

[wumpus]

Well, you don't want to crossgender roleplay with the intention to disparage members of the opposite sex. No matter what other rules of thumb you follow, if you are crossgender roleplaying with intention to disparage members of the opposite sex, you will unpreventably emit signals of that intention to people who will instinctually pick up on it and instinctually feel like you're being scummy.

Of course, on the flip side, if someone was sitting at the table with certain gender biases, he/she will also unpreventably detect those signals from people doing crossgender roleplay whether or not those signals were actually being emitted. So I guess what I'm trying to say is: it could always be them, and not you.

I'd have to suspect the complaining player (he? she? I doubt that I would concerned about a male gamer complaining about such things) was wrong. Consider the order of the stick. Had *any* of the PCs in question put on the girdle of masculinity/femininity, how many actions/lines would have changed? Not so many in the dungeon, but a bit more out in town and similar conditions. And even there it is pretty iffy (staying long term and joining the community is another story. But like characters from a western who will be riding off into the sunset isn't such a big deal).

If you didn't join the game for very long, anything but the worst of the "played by a guy" stereotypes wouldn't even come up. I think your group was expecting something other than good play.

[Lemmy]

The whole point of a game is to have fun. Play it however is most fun for you. If someone takes issue, talk to them, but do not let them tell you what you're "allowed" to role-play.

It's great to be sympathetic to the concerns of your fellow players, but that goes both ways. Don't let people forbid you from playing what you want just because they don't like it.

[SirBellias]

On the whole, it seems like you're doing nothing wrong. And even if you were doing something, you have approached the situation with far more scrutiny than I would, and have come up empty. So either A: the other person had something else to say and decided to say that instead as if it would communicate better, B: The other person has a far different definition of how different genders should be portrayed than everyone else, or C: there's an off chance that you missed something, or your values severely differ from everyone else's. I'm thinking A or B.

Actual Answer to Actual Question:
How does one play a female character badly?

I can't think of anything besides what was said above. I personally don't think playing them almost exactly the same as male characters is an issue, as that's what I do.

What are some common pitfalls associated with cross-gender roleplaying?

Not many besides sticking to stereotypes. There's a full range of characters to play of all genders, so sticking to specific behaviors that people think of as negative without obvious reason may cause them to react negatively, even though you aren't meaning it to be representative. People do that sometimes.

As long as your behaviors in game aren't just there due to gender stereotypes, you're probably fine. I'd ignore it, since you aren't going back anyways.

[2D8HP]

If your female and want to play a male PC, I suggest reading "Two Sought Adventure" by Leiber (a male author who came up with the phrase "Sword and Sorcery") and imitate Fafhrd or the Gray Mouser the first story of which was published in 1939.



If your male and wish to play a female PC I suggest reading "Jirel of Joiry" by Moore (a female author), and imitate Jirel the first story of which was published in 1934.



Notice the important differences.
The male protagonist uses a sword to fight evil sorcerers, while the female protaganist uses a sword to fight evil sorcerers and sorceresses.



OK to be almost serious, female authors seem to write more stories with both female and male characters, while male authors seem to mostly write about male characters (they are exceptions of course, Pratchett, a male author, for example has some novels with mostly female characters, but in general female authors seem to have more male characters, than male authors have female characters).

Male illustrators (especially amateur ones) seem to draw as many or more female subjects as male subjects, while female illustrators (again especially amateur ones) seem to draw mostly female subjects (again this is in general).

So we have more potential PC character illustrations that are female than male, while we have more potential PC written descriptions that are male.
This leads to horrible problems!

Fixed, all should be coherent now.
Background was made for a male at first, then looking to find a picture, the character ended up becoming a female character.

After all it's just not realistic if both females and males fight Dragons! (maybe because Dragons are Fantasy?)

Ignore the haters. Play what's fun for you.

[MrStabby]

My first thought is you play a "female character". As in your description has one adjective and it is about the shape of their genatalia. Obviously this is a huge simplification but it might be something to watch out for. In real life, for both men and women, those people who define themselves most strongly in terms of their gender come across as crude shallow characters.

Maybe ensure gender is far down the list of attributes you role play.

Play an only child. Play someone greedy or forgiving. Be pious or be reclusive. Love cats or puppies or a favourite book. Love language or music or have any other character traits. Let your character act in a way defined by their values and their choices. Actions being governed by an accident of biology beyond the character choice just doesn't say as much about the character.

Sure, be male or female, whatever you want but make sure you are so much more than just male or female.

[Verbannon]

If your female and want to play a male PC, I suggest reading "Two Sought Adventure" by Leiber (a male author who came up with the phrase "Sword and Sorcery") and imitate Fafhrd or the Gray Mouser the first story of which was published in 1939.



If your male and wish to play a female PC I suggest reading "Jirel of Joiry" by Moore (a female author), and imitate Jirel the first story of which was published in 1934.



Notice the important differences.
The male protagonist uses a sword to fight evil sorcerers, while the female protaganist uses a sword to fight evil sorcerers and sorceresses.



OK to be almost serious, female authors seem to write more stories with both female and male characters, while male authors seem to mostly write about male characters (they are exceptions of course, Pratchett, a male author, for example has some novels with mostly female characters, but in general female authors seem to have more male characters, than male authors have female characters).

Male illustrators (especially amateur ones) seem to draw as many or more female subjects as male subjects, while female illustrators (again especially amateur ones) seem to draw mostly female subjects (again this is in general).

So we have more potential PC character illustrations that are female than male, while we have more potential PC written descriptions that are male.
This leads to horrible problems!


After all it's just not realistic if both females and males fight Dragons! (maybe because Dragons are Fantasy?)

Ignore the haters. Play what's fun for you.

Oddly enough one thing I seem to notice in the fantasy books Ive read. For some reason most of the books with a female as a lead are written by men, and most female writers Ive come across have stories with male leads.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Huh, seems everyone's assuming Talakeal's in the right and his detractors are in the wrong. Not the worst assumption to make, but from what I can tell, I can't be 100% certain.

One of the most hurtful things that was said before I left the group was that I shouldn't be allowed to play a female character because I "do so really badly."

First thoughts:
Who was this person? I don't mean like name or anything, but there are a lot of details about the person who told you this which make all the difference in the world—especially since you usually play female characters. A chauvinist man telling you that you play female characters wrong is much different than a feminist woman doing so. For that matter, the people you were playing with 9/10's of the time beforehand matter, too. If this was the first time you played with a woman and she told you that you played a female character badly, you probably have a problem, but if you've played coed groups before you may not.
If you're feeling solid on honest introspection, talking about how you played the character could also be helpful. I doubt you played her as a slut or a damsel-in-distress type, but aspects of those tropes can still be problematic if they aren't blatant. On the other hand, if you really did play her just like you would a male character, there's a good chance you're doing fine. I mean, it doesn't fit some people's tastes of what a female adventurer "should" be like, but as others have noted, playing a female character differently because she's female is pretty much the definition of every sexist trope on the site*.

*I mean, except toxic-masculinity-related tropes and such.

Had *any* of the PCs in question put on the girdle of masculinity/femininity, how many actions/lines would have changed?

Depends. Was putting on that girdle part of some kind of convoluted plan? Because that would probably lead to the characters speaking and acting a good bit differently.

[2D8HP]

Huh, seems everyone's assuming Talakeal's in the right and his detractors are in the wrong. Not the worst assumption to make, but from what I can tell, I can't be 100% certain..

Your quite right, but judging by the from the Original post, the Original poster doesn't have the self awareness to tell, I was reacting to (perhaps imaginary) naysayers who may say that while you can roleplay humanoid dragons, and descendents of demons, gals can't pick a guy or guys can't pick gal heroes to portray because of cooties or something. Fantasy fiction is rich enough that they are plenty of characters of both genders that are worthy of imitation. If a female decides that say Ged from "A Wizard of Earthsea" is a grand character who she wants to base her PC on, or if a male decides that say Delilah Bard from "A Darker Shade of Magic" is so badass, that he wants to model his PC on her, it seems petty to say no.
Now if it seems that someone is playing a cross-gender PC just to mock and annoy the other players who are that gender IRL, then that falls under "don't be a jerk" guidelines.

Oddly enough one thing I seem to notice in the fantasy books Ive read. For some reason most of the books with a female as a lead are written by men, and most female writers Ive come across have stories with male leads.

Don't tease! Please post at the
Fantasy novel recommendations?
thread!

[Cluedrew]

Huh, seems everyone's assuming Talakeal's in the right and his detractors are in the wrong. Not the worst assumption to make, but from what I can tell, I can't be 100% certain.

I thought of that actually, but there are a few reasons why I proceeded as if Talakeal actually understood the situation.

1. He is the only view-point we have so it is unlikely we will get enough information to be sure either way.
2. Even if he is in the wrong and we can figure that out, it is going to be hard to prove it to him here.
3. The advice remains the same in either case.
4. Of what I have read of Talakeal, he seems pretty reasonable and he is attempting self refection here. This provides evidence for his position.

That might be a bit of excessive, but here you have it.

[The Fury]

I think everyone's come up with some decent guidelines of what comes off as a good or bad portrayal. I'm not sure I have much to add, though I can come up with a couple of specific examples of crossgender roleplay that I thought were pretty bad. No idea if it helps, but whatever.

In one group years ago, we had a female player that made a "suave casanova" type character that was bisexual. Not only was he the sort of character that could not, or would not keep it in his pants but no one was safe. Other PCs? Plot critical NPCs? Other PCs romantic interests? Male? Female? All fair game. This was mainly explained to me by the player herself, but she lost interest in the campaign and left, so the damage done was actually pretty minimal, if a bit date-rapey in some spots. Mind, this was really early in my own RPG career and I wasn't exactly the most mature either.

Later there was another player, different group. He made a female character that used "feminine wiles" to try to get what he wanted. I say "try," because the DM wasn't really having it and generally stated that his character's efforts earned her strange looks. His justifications for his character's looks and personality traits were... strange. Like stating that he wanted his character to have small boobs because, "small boobs are perkier." And his alignment is Neutral Evil because, "All women are evil."
Real class act, this guy.

[tensai_oni]

GreatWyrmGold, I respectfully disagree with your post.

You are implying that playing a character different because she's female is sexist. But the thing is, a character WILL be different depending on their gender, so they will be played different. Fictional societies, just like real ones, put social expectations on their members and these expectations are in a vast majority of cases at least slightly different between men and women. How your character decides to go about these expectations - whether to conform to them, or defy them for one reason or another, is an important part of the player character. It can't be the only part, but it is most definitely a part.

Also what are these "aspects" of playing a slut (your choice of word) or a damsel of distress that they are problematic even if subtle? I don't like the implication here. The implication as I read it is that female characters can either be offensive stereotypes or played like men. This is a false dichotomy. A character can be neither and in fact should be neither because these both extremes result in a poorly roleplayed character. And there's nothing wrong with a character being flirty or sometimes feeling helpless or overwhelmed. Once again, as long as they're a well rounded person with personality and not just a stereotype, that is fine.

[The Fury]

GreatWyrmGold, I respectfully disagree with your post.

You are implying that playing a character different because she's female is sexist. But the thing is, a character WILL be different depending on their gender, so they will be played different. Fictional societies, just like real ones, put social expectations on their members and these expectations are in a vast majority of cases at least slightly different between men and women. How your character decides to go about these expectations - whether to conform to them, or defy them for one reason or another, is an important part of the player character. It can't be the only part, but it is most definitely a part.

I'm not sure how I can phrase this without coming off as completely sarcastic but what would these "social expectations" be? How would a character be treated differently because of them? If a female character isn't treated differently than a male character why would they act much differently?

[Dragonexx]

Just about every society in the world has differing expectations on what men and women should act like, aspire to be, wear, speak like, and so forth. In a standard medieval society, women aren't expected to be much more than homemakers and wives, perhaps performing menial jobs like seamstress or housemaid. These expected gender roles will impact a characters actions and personality.

Also, this may be anecdotal, but I've never had an issue with cross gender roleplay in my experience, and I only know of one person who's had issues with it, and according to her, that guy was creepy all the time and she started actively avoiding him.

In regards to sex, and sexualization, there's no inherent problem with these things (people totally do have recreational sex, use sex and seduction to get things, and can be sexy and flaunt it). It more depends on your gaming groups degree of comfortability with these things. (Also, probably bizarely, all of the highly sexualized female characters I've encountered in gaming have been played by female players).

[2D8HP]

I If a female character isn't treated differently than a male character why would they act much differently?

I'm guessing because it's we real world people bringing our experiences, perceptions and prejudices into a fictional world?
Men and women are different, but so are individuals. Saying there no differences is absurd, but so is saying all females are this, and all males are that.
To me the idea that you may role-play a different species, but you may not role-play a different gender seems silly.
The O.P. said that they were role-playing a gender that was different from their real-life one, and another player said that they were role-playing "wrong", whether the OP was being a jerk and that's why the other player said what they said, or whether the other player was the jerk (maybe both or neither?) I don't think we can do more than guess, but judging by this Forum and elsewhere, there's someone who finds every play-style as wrong.
I've read and enjoyed both Le Guin's "Wizard of Earthsea", which is a female author telling a story about a male hero, and Pratchett's "Wee Free Men", which is a male author telling a story about a female hero, both of which I gave to my son to read, I also gave him Tolkien's "The Hobbit" to read, which is pretty much a "boys only" story, but that didn't stop me from giving it to my cousin when she was a girl. I suppose they're some who feel we should segregate our reading, play and imaginations (it's a big world!), but that just seems weird to me.

[Knitifine]

How does one play a female character badly? What are some common pitfalls associated with cross-gender roleplaying?

Let me answer this as someone who had been in a campaign with a man who was playing a woman poorly (details at the end).

First of all, try to avoid using the term 'female' as a descriptor of any character, as it's very clinical and puts you in the wrong mindset. More on that here. Similarly, avoid self-describing your character as a girl, unless you're using a phrase like "boys and girls", etc. This is one of the little ways in which men tend to talk down to women without realizing it, and it will come across as jarring when a woman does it to another woman, or when describing herself. Or worse, come across as really creepy when you're trying to describe your character concept.

Second of all, consult with your GM on how their world is supposed to work with social norms. If you've played with the GM for a while you might not need to do this. Just be aware of the level of sexism in the setting and how it could apply to your character. This is really the main thing that distinguishes women from men in day to day relationships. On the off chance that you're not white, cis, and/or heterosexual use that as a general guide. Assuming you're all of these things the best way I can describe ambient sexism is. It's everywhere, you probably see it all the time, but you see it so much you've grown used to it and the consequences of dealing with it.
Someone calls out your looks (where ever they might fall on your societies beauty standards) when describing you professionally? That sucks, it's typical, you're get told to stop making a big deal out of it if you bring it up.
Someone underestimates your physical (especially upper body) strength? That sucks, it's typical, you're get told to stop making a big deal out of it if you bring it up.
Etc. Etc.

Most tabletop games, whatever their setting, draw upon the norms of the day, so be aware that your character has probably dealt with modern sexism, despite being in potentially medieval times. If your DM mentions anything about historical sexism playing in the game world.... don't play a woman. 90% of DMs who try to introduce 'historical sexism' and similar ideas have no idea what they're doing, how gender relations have been historically, and it's just better to avoid dealing with that kind of nonsense all together.

Third of all, don't play a drow. Don't play a drow. Don't play a drow. The way that drow gender relationships works makes no sense and is extremely problematic. This applies to most species that have a significantly changed gender norms or are (worse) a single gendered species. Occasionally you might see something that's actually good and interesting, but in almost all cases this is only going to complicate your character and allow you topple over into some kind of weird creepy stereotype.

Fourth, with all that fun stuff in mind, keep in mind that your character being a woman is probably not the most important thing in her own mind. Sure, it might inform her relationship with men, her experiences during puberty, and sexuality (women of all sexuality tend to navigate their relationships very differently because gender role tends to warp that playing field the most). However, these things are not usually the focus of a game. An old wizard who's spent most of her life in a magical academy is probably going to describe herself as a wizard first. If wizardry has historically been 'men's work' (like with physicians in the west), she might take some pride in breaking the mold, and have some heroes who are also women wizards, but that's probably not going to come up all the time. Similarly, a warrior woman will typically be used to her strength and speed being underestimated by her colleges, and likely knows a line about women being more naturally resistant to pain that makes her smile when that pressure becomes annoying, but she probably isn't out to prove she's just as strong as [insert man in her life] here. Essentially, if you can trace a character trait back to "she's a woman", it's probably not the greatest bit of character development you've ever done.

Hopefully all that helps. This was a bit of a tricky one. If all this sounds like stuff you already know, then it might not be you who's really the problem.

Spoiler: Details

Show

I once was in a game where a man played a shifter ranger who was a woman. She was meek, shy, quiet and nurturing. These are all traits a woman could have, they're all traits that could even be found on a (unconventional) ranger. However they weren't part of her background in anyway. She was not meek because she was trying to avoid attention, she was meek because she was a young woman. She was not shy because she had social anxiety, she was shy because she was a young woman. She was not quiet because she was used to being spoken over, she was just quiet because she was a young woman. And she was not nurturing because she had siblings, or animals, or other creatures in need of care in her life. She was nurturing because she was a young woman. They were her character traits because the player wanted to play the type of girl he would be attracted to, and... that's basically it.

P.S. You also probably shouldn't attempt to do a feminine voice. While it's entirely possible for people with deep voices to sound 'conventionally' feminine, it's usually not advisable at the table because it tends to be distracting and uncomfortable for one or more parties. This can apply to character voices in general, but is especially prominent when instead of trying to capture the temperament of your character you're focusing instead on their pitch.

[Spore]

I will make my advise short and crisp. Do not try to "break" with gender stereotypes wholeheartedly. Do not play your female barbarian like she is a man only to try and receive the "gender sensitivity" badge. Female characters should have female traits. Male characters should have male traits. No character is completely immune to gender stereotyping no matter how hard you push the individuality of said character.

Some things just make you as a player unbelievable.

[tensai_oni]

I'm not sure how I can phrase this without coming off as completely sarcastic but what would these "social expectations" be? How would a character be treated differently because of them? If a female character isn't treated differently than a male character why would they act much differently?

I'm going to quote Dragonexx saying "Just about every society in the world has differing expectations on what men and women should act like, aspire to be, wear, speak like, and so forth." Unless the fantasy society in question is described as perfectly gender neutral this will happen, and that is before real life societal conditioning flows into the game - which is pretty much unavoidable, though it can be controlled so it stays on more or less harmless levels more akin to "women may wear dresses, but men don't" as opposed to something like "women are always meek and passive, men are always gung ho and proactive".

Speaking of which, the "standard fantasy setting" where women are only expected to be wives or maids is definitely the latter, and I side-glance any games masters who push that narrarive, especially if they try to call it historically accurate.

Consider the following: take one of your characters and think what would they be like as a person of the opposite gender. Even with NPCs reacting to them the same way, with their motivations and life career being the same (which is what I expect), there will be slight differences - appearance, and I mean parts of it that are a conscious choice of the character, mannerisms, perhaps relationships with certain NPCs. These small changes are all a result of baggage associated with one gender or the other.


But enough talking in vague hypotheticals. I'll discuss the issue with examples, by talking about two of my characters who are women (me being a man IRL), and what I think would be different about them would they happen to be male instead.

One of them was rather physically affectionate towards people she knew and liked. Touchy feely if you will. If that character was a man, that wouldn't be the case. This is because the game's setting was based on a modern RL one. In many modern societies, it is assumed that open displays of physical affection are more "feminine" and more acceptable for girls and women, while boys and men are expected to be more emotionally reserved, at least in public. It's not fair, but that's just how things are sometimes.

For the other character the situation was a little more complicated. She came from a culture that highly valued martial accomplishments. She also enjoyed wearing nice clothes and generally dressing up - which is stereotypically more feminine than masculine, but also a result of her living in a poor village for most of her life and having access to luxuries of elite members of the society only much later. The society itself didn't stigmatize such behaviours, but the character in question (due to dramatic events in her past) internalized things that make you feel good as signs of weakness, how she wasn't strong enough and they just drag her down and she doesn't deserve them anyway, etc. This was one of those things, she felt wary of pursuing her hobby and was embarassed when the rest of the party found out. Which didn't go unnoticed, they asked why is she ashamed of doing something if she likes it. Stopping to beat yourself up for mistakes of the past, learning to move on and accept yourself the way you are - were all very important facets of the character and her development, and would be there unchanged even if the character was a man. But that small thing, about the exact nature of what she liked to do, wouldn't.

In the end, that's what it boils down to - not big changes of character, their goals and motivations, but details. But we can't pretend those details don't exist either.

[CharonsHelper]

Why not just ask them what they mean? Since they already said that you're bad at it, I doubt that they'll be less than honest about why they think you're bad at playing a female character.

Frankly - the main way I could see a guy playing a female badly is if they have their character be creepily sexy etc. I'd find it awkward if someone did it for their own gender, but it'd be creepier if it was cross-gender. (moreso a male RPing a female) But - opinions may vary.

The blanket differences in psychological tendencies between the human physical genders absolutely pale in comparison to the differences between human individuals irrespective of gender. There is no accurate "women do this" or "men think this" that can be RPed in a way that's not at its core a silly caricature.

That seems like good advice. There are definitely general differences (though some will claim otherwise) such as males being generally more aggressive & better with spacial awareness and most females being better at multitasking & more maternal, but that's mostly on the large scale. It's sort of like how lefties are more likely be artistic - but that doesn't mean that righties can't be artistic or that all lefties are. Individuals vary a lot.

[MrStabby]

Frankly - the main way I could see a guy playing a female badly is if they have their character be creepily sexy etc. I'd find it awkward if someone did it for their own gender, but it'd be creepier if it was cross-gender. (moreso a male RPing a female) But - opinions may vary.

Or:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4THO9-N--k4