If I were to run D&D, I'd totally do it better than those other guys

[Deepblue706]

Allow me to present my rules of D&D, which are all provided in documents which I force my players to sign prior to play. It is actually 517 pages long (though I admit, the first 512 is filler), but I don't have time to list it all here. It is a very sophisticated method of play, which took 17 years of playtesting, and the sacrificing of at least twelve kittens, and thousands more burritos.

1) First off, you could play ANYTHING, so long as you donate to me the book where your class/feats/etc can be found. That's right, I'm not giving it back.

2) Everyone would have to play as a race with a different size category than the next.

3) Pun Pun is legal, and encouraged.

4) Magic Items don't exist. Except for NPCs. They dissolve when you pick them up.

5) You add your CHA modifier to HP totals, CON is now the stat for persuasion, and Bards need CON to cast their spells.

6) Sorcerers base their spells on STR.

7) Also, Gravity is a monster that can be slain. Defeat it, and you grant the world the freedom to fly. Prior to that point, however, nothing can fly. Not even birds. Not even WIND.

8) The only alignments allowed are Chaotic Good, Neutral, and Lawful Neutral. You may only be Chaotic Good if you have 8 or less INT.

9) Also, everyone gets free lasers at level 1, which are activated as a "laser action". "Laser actions" are like immediate actions, but you can only make a number of those each day based upon how many layers of clothing you're currently wearing.

10) Octopus Royalty is a new Prestige Class, granting the benefits of ALL other Prestige Classes, ever (think Gestalt on a massive scale). It is only accessable to Awakened Octopi with 4 ranks of Craft (Ridiculous Dialogue).

11) Fighters may only take Toughness or Exotic Weapon Proficiency as bonus feats.

17) Fighters get an additional +3d10 HD every level-up, and at level 4, they cannot die. They can before after that point, though.

12) ToB classes all have poor BAB and no good saves.

13) Everyone is illiterate, and nobody can buy it off.

109) Sneak Attacks heal enemies. They still hurt allies.

551) Detect Evil becomes Detect Walrus.


19) Smile Evil becomes Smite Walrus.

A32) Hot Pockets rule the galaxy.

B52) I need scissors. 61.

550) No one may play anything using the material found the books earlier donated to me - I lied. You have access to the first 21 pages of the PHB, and the first 11 of the PHB2. Have fun.

Qe7 -> Qe8) Checkmate.

Clearly, these new rules would provide a superior gaming experience, and if you disagree, you obviously don't appreciate fine gaming. Also, I calculate a 97% chance that you are a nazi.

[psychoticbarber]

Allow me to present my rules of D&D, which are all provided in documents which I force my players to sign prior to play. It is actually 517 pages long (though I admit, the first 512 is filler), but I don't have time to list it all here. It is a very sophisticated method of play, which took 17 years of playtesting, and the sacrificing of at least twelve kittens, and thousands more burritos.

1) First off, you could play ANYTHING, so long as you donate to me the book where your class/feats/etc can be found. That's right, I'm not giving it back.

*Snip*

Clearly, these new rules would provide a superior gaming experience, and if you disagree, you obviously don't appreciate fine gaming. Also, I calculate a 97% chance that you are a nazi.

Heh
Heheh.
Heheheheheheheheh.

You better be joking, it's too funny for you not be.

Edit: Just checked your avatar, and the octopus parts make so much more sense now. Ultros For-The-Win.

[Emperor Tippy]

See here

[13_CBS]

Yeah, this will get locked soon.

[psychoticbarber]

See here

Yeah, I've seen those. I was mostly teasing about the "better be joking" part, because it was pretty obvious. I definitely like the bite of the sarcasm.

[Guildorn Tanaleth]

I love it! Can I have your address so I can send you my books?

[Deepblue706]

See here

AW, Nuts....

[Rob Knotts]

AW, Nuts....

Just re-post it to either of the open threads

[Roland St. Jude]

Sheriff of Moddingham: Locked as redundant.