Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

[Syka]

Stolen, is she negative towards you, your accomplishments, etc? If so, and this sounds harsh I know, you probably should break it off until she can get more positive. I was in a three and a half year LDR, with someone who was pretty negative in general (not towards me specifically, most the time). Post break up...I found myself relieved and happy. I was hurt and upset and all, too, but there was a grain of happiness in there. In the intervening months, they've been some of my happiest...Because negative people are gone. You need to evaluate how this is affecting you. For something less drastic, next time she challenges you say, "Are you saying that I don't have good taste? Do you not trust me?" When I told my ex that once, he finally shut up about that particular thing. ;)

FdL. Thank you. As I said, he did call. Talked with my mom and another friend, and they agreed with me just going up to the beach to talk. I'm going to take it from there. Gah, the double whammy of hormones and males is putting me on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. My apologies for seeming...I dunno. :P

Cheers,
Syka

[stolenchariot]

She's really supportive of me, and she talks about me to other people like I'm the ebst thing in the world. She's only negative when it comes to herself, and that's the thing that hurts me the most. and I understand.

[Syka]

In that case...I'd talk to her about it. Find out why she feels that way, and explain that it hurts YOU when she talks about herself like that. Sometimes, that can be the best motivator for change, knowing that you hurt someone you love/care about.

Cheers,
Syka

[AngelSword]

Alright, so we talked for a bit, but there was no mention of Wednesday. We spoke of nonsensical things (including a strange conversation about how we both have had Thrush).

So, here I am, thinking that she wants to remain friends.

…That was until I saw that she had changed her MySpace page's headline to read Our lips can touch... here.

Should I take that into consideration, or is this yet another example of me being overly analytical?

[Pyrian]

I'd've taken that as "our lips can't touch anywhere else" - assuming it's even directed at you.

[FdL]

FdL. Thank you. As I said, he did call. Talked with my mom and another friend, and they agreed with me just going up to the beach to talk. I'm going to take it from there. Gah, the double whammy of hormones and males is putting me on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. My apologies for seeming...I dunno. :P

Human? Alive ;)
It's ok, your situation is totally understandable. Here's crossing my fingers for you to have a nice time and an opportunity to sort things out, as you want them to be. ^^

Alright, so we talked for a bit, but there was no mention of Wednesday. We spoke of nonsensical things (including a strange conversation about how we both have had Thrush).

So, here I am, thinking that she wants to remain friends.

…That was until I saw that she had changed her MySpace page's headline to read Our lips can touch... here.

Should I take that into consideration, or is this yet another example of me being overly analytical?

IMHO, yes. :p
It seems to me like you're going to be the one who brings it up, explicitly. You've been subtle but direct. The ball was on her side of the court, yet she didn't take the shot. So it's your turn again.
Evidently it did have some effect in her, that's obvious. I don't know whether you should take that MySpace thing as a clue. But in any case, it means nothing. It's no use to get over analytical about tiny details, it'll drive you crazy, and it's easier and simpler just to talk to her.

[Traveling_Angel]

I would assume it's not aimed at you, but I would ask about it, as it could be speaking to someone she met online. Not the best of grab bags.



Now for my own fun problems.

There is a girl I got to know in geometry class last year, and she has been making comments and taking actions that make it implicitly obvious that she is considering me. Problem? She would be gently described as a druggie. I, however, am a typical goodie-twoshoes. If we do get together, I fear that my push for her to cut the less than legal stuff may lead to terminating the relationship, with extra fireball style reactions likely. She appears to be completely set in denial that anything bad could come from her activities, which makes matters even worse.

Help!

[Serpentine]

Alright, so we talked for a bit, but there was no mention of Wednesday. We spoke of nonsensical things (including a strange conversation about how we both have had Thrush).

I told you she might need a nudge. Girls are wusses, too.

Travelling Angel, what sort of substances are we talking about? How regularly? Can you see it having an adverse effect? (much of this is probably more PM-worthy) Anyway, if you do decide to get together, you have to take her as she is. If you're worried about her health and wellbeing because of these habits, tell her, try to be a good influence, but you'll never be able to force her to stop. It's possible that nothing bad ever will come from it (depending upon the substances, frequency, dosages, etc), and just as possible that she won't believe that it could until it happens. Would you be willing to deal with that worry? Your concern itself might even be a positive influence...

[MountainKing]

Well, to those who wished me luck, thanks for trying. After a lot of awkward pausing and saying "...because...", she threw me the "I'd rather we stay friends" bomb.

I'm kind of bummed, but I'm used to it; a terrible stance to take on it, but I promise that I'm not letting it affect my outlook on things. This time, I'm trying to keep it positive (though I have already had a bout with "What's wrong with me?"), and it could well be that she's still getting used to her new appartment (we live in the same building, but she lives upstairs).

[Dimitri]

I'll just cut straight to it: what's the best subtle way to discover if someone likes you?

[Dragonrider]

Alright, so we talked for a bit, but there was no mention of Wednesday. We spoke of nonsensical things (including a strange conversation about how we both have had Thrush).

So, here I am, thinking that she wants to remain friends.

…That was until I saw that she had changed her MySpace page's headline to read Our lips can touch... here.

Should I take that into consideration, or is this yet another example of me being overly analytical?

Yes, I think you probably are being overanalytical. On the other hand, there's no reason to think she ISN'T interested in you, given what you've said before. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that some of us girls need that explicit this is how I feel, do you feel the same way? to come clean about our feelings. I can't say how she feels about you, but I do know that usually coming clean has the best results, even if it results in the "just friends" bomb. There's a song that says the love for you that's in my heart / was original right from the start / and silence may not have quite the same reward. Even if she doesn't return your feelings (and there's a good chance she does) I think you should give it another try. Like Serpentine says, give her another nudge, and see where she goes.

good luck!

There is a girl I got to know in geometry class last year, and she has been making comments and taking actions that make it implicitly obvious that she is considering me. Problem? She would be gently described as a druggie. I, however, am a typical goodie-twoshoes. If we do get together, I fear that my push for her to cut the less than legal stuff may lead to terminating the relationship, with extra fireball style reactions likely. She appears to be completely set in denial that anything bad could come from her activities, which makes matters even worse.

Again, I agree with Serpentine. You don't get into a relationship thinking Well, they have problems, but I can change them. You can't. They can change themselves, given the nudge, but ultimately only under their own impetus. You can still be a good influence on her without having a romantic relationship, if that's what you want - but I wouldn't get into anything with her as long as she's doing that stuff. Drugs aren't cool.

Well, to those who wished me luck, thanks for trying. After a lot of awkward pausing and saying "...because...", she threw me the "I'd rather we stay friends" bomb.

I'm kind of bummed, but I'm used to it; a terrible stance to take on it, but I promise that I'm not letting it affect my outlook on things. This time, I'm trying to keep it positive (though I have already had a bout with "What's wrong with me?"), and it could well be that she's still getting used to her new appartment (we live in the same building, but she lives upstairs).

I'm sorry. I just recently dealt with that...it's not easy and I'm still in the process of getting over him (but past the point where it's painful to talk about, apparently...). As sad as it seems, "just friends" is better than nothing...and there's nothing that really "helps", just time, but getting it out and talking to people can "ease the pain" a little. This thread was really good for me, anyway.

As for "what's wrong with me"...nothing is wrong with you. At least, nothing that isn't wrong with a lot of people...sometimes it feels like unrequited love is the only kind of love I'll ever get, but I know I've got time. You're a good five years older than I am, I'm guessing (leading me to wonder what the heck I'm doing giving advice?), but you have time, too. Relax a little, don't worry about finding someone RIGHT NOW, and maybe a girl will come along who IS the "right one" for you. Most people do find someone. It just takes time, sometimes.

[Amotis]

I'll just cut straight to it: what's the best subtle way to discover if someone likes you?

I like your name. Dimitri is such a cool name.

Anyway, by subtle do you mean be able to tell and not let the person you're wondering if they like you know? It depends on the person. Some people have pretty close friends in which they do share pre-relationship crushes, likes, etc. So I guess it may seem childlike, but if you share a friend, ask or poke away there. I don't see a problem with that at all. Other people don't let anyone else know until someone happens or the feeling dies away. If this is the case then you have to be able to talk to this person. Develop a friendship and read the heck out of them. There's a lot of signals that may or may not be a sign, again, depending on the person. Some people are just flirty, some more quick to be openly friendly, some don't always think over any double meaning in their words before they say it.

In conclusion, it depends on the person. And the only way to be absolutely sure is to not be subtle. You can get hints and signs and all that jazz, but they may be nothing but air if the person is just naturally like that or you see things that aren't there.

[Serpentine]

I'll just cut straight to it: what's the best subtle way to discover if someone likes you?

For subtlety, if it's someone you want to be liking you, sending subtle signals of your own and studying the response could be a good start. Alternatively, same thing, less subtlety - more definite result, quicker, but greater (perceived) risk.

[MountainKing]

As for "what's wrong with me"...nothing is wrong with you. At least, nothing that isn't wrong with a lot of people...sometimes it feels like unrequited love is the only kind of love I'll ever get, but I know I've got time. You're a good five years older than I am, I'm guessing (leading me to wonder what the heck I'm doing giving advice?), but you have time, too. Relax a little, don't worry about finding someone RIGHT NOW, and maybe a girl will come along who IS the "right one" for you. Most people do find someone. It just takes time, sometimes.

Maybe, unless you're not actually fifteen. At least time is something I have a lot of

[BlackStaticWolf]

I have a problem along these lines that I'm uncomfortable sharing publicly. I'd be most appreciative of anyone willing to contact me about it via PM.

[Dragonrider]

Maybe, unless you're not actually fifteen. At least time is something I have a lot of

Sixteen. And clearly I think that I'm mature for my age or else I WOULDN'T be handing out advice....

Well, disclaimer: Anything I tell you is worth EXACTLY what you paid for it.

[MountainKing]

Two souls in larval form?

Normally, the morning after a fall like last night's is the worst part, but so far, I'm feeling pretty good. Who knows? Maybe today will be fun!

[FdL]

Wellllll....I went out last night, had a great time. We drank and we danced all night (surprisingly I did too, I was in the mood somehow). Plenty of beautiful women, some I knew, some I didn't.
Now, neither MR or her friend showed up :( That's a bummer because I was counting on it.

Then, I found that there were some girls I liked but I really couldn't do anything about it. I just can't work in that kind of environment. Sure, dancing with them, and fooling around and everything. But I hate it that the music is so loud that you can't talk! I really don't hear a thing people says in those places where thee music is loud :( I can't even try, I don't have a loud voice and I tire very soon of screaming to be heard (my throat gets sore). I know I can't create or follow a conversation with that handicap :S

Also, leaving that aside I think I don't know how to approach a woman in a club or a pub or some other place like this. I just don't have it :S It's frustrating.

There was a girl I was planning to try and talk to. I liked her, and I flirted some with her, but then I found out from a friend that a) she lived in another city and b) she had a boyfriend. And it may sound stupid but "a" it's a decisive factor for me. I know myself, I'm lazy. It wouldn't work.

There were also a couple of other girls that showed maybe some potential interest in me. But I really didn't like either a lot, so I didn't feel like making a move. I wondered later if I could hook up with a girl like that, and date and make out and everything if I didn't really like her a lot. I guess I could do it, I mean, she was cute and I know her a bit and she's ok, but maybe I'd get bored or not really connect. It's weird to think that, because I'd like to be with a girl, seeing that I can't have the ones I like maybe I should try with the ones who like me. I don't know, it's an experiment I might have some day :S

Also: my head aches and I still have the post-tinnitus buzz which I absolutely hate. I have to DM all this afternoon like this. Crap :S

Well, to those who wished me luck, thanks for trying. After a lot of awkward pausing and saying "...because...", she threw me the "I'd rather we stay friends" bomb.

Yeah, it sucks. But you tried, and you got a response. To me that's positive, it's better than not knowing and going crazy about it for a long time. So be cool, this one didn't work but there's plenty girls out there. And of course it's not about you, that's out of the question.

Reading Amotis' advice to Dimitri, well, I agree. But with the thing about becoming friends with the person you like, be careful. I mean, it's good to have a little common ground and dialogue to be able to know her/him, but then again I think that you have to keep things under control. Because you run the risk of her/him seeing you as a friend if you act too much like one. It's a thin line, between being friendly and "just a friend". It's a critical issue for me, that's why it calls my attention.

[mudbunny]

I have a problem along these lines that I'm uncomfortable sharing publicly. I'd be most appreciative of anyone willing to contact me about it via PM.

Check your inbox.

[FdL]

I think I give up. I don't feel like chasing girls, going out, chatting them up or whatever. It never gets me anything. I don't know really how to do it. So that's it, no more flirting, no more of that :S

If I stumble upon some girl and it comes out naturally I'll do it. I'll even try to do it right, but also I'll be as straight and "to the point" as I can. Most girls I know can't take it anyway and run away when subjected to that. So it's their loss if they can't take it like adults, and if they don't want anything that's fine by me.

I'm tired of all this. I'm even think I don't need it and would be better off without it.

Guess what my current mood is.

[Dragonrider]

Sounds like a good idea, actually, FdL. I don't know if you've noticed how when you're looking through a bin of LEGOs for a specific piece, you can never find it, but as soon as you stop concentrating, you see twelve of them popping up all over the place?

How sappy is that! Am I annoying you with my analogy?

[Xykon_Fan]

That's an awesome analogy, DR! I love that! (Will sig that once MI Week is over)...been saying that a lot recently.

FDL: Yeah, I think that's probably the best way to go. What's been said about not looking suddenly getting you noticed is slightly true. It makes you more relaxed about life.

@V: O.o Wow...how very...ummm...logical of you.

[Logic]

Sounds like a good idea, actually, FdL. I don't know if you've noticed how when you're looking through a bin of LEGOs for a specific piece, you can never find it, but as soon as you stop concentrating, you see twelve of them popping up all over the place?

How sappy is that! Am I annoying you with my analogy?

It is for that very reasons that I organized all my legos into little plastic baggies by type. Hopefully, this doesn't send up red flags about control issues.

[Last_resort_33]

I think I give up. I don't feel like chasing girls, going out, chatting them up or whatever. It never gets me anything. I don't know really how to do it. So that's it, no more flirting, no more of that :S

If I stumble upon some girl and it comes out naturally I'll do it. I'll even try to do it right, but also I'll be as straight and "to the point" as I can. Most girls I know can't take it anyway and run away when subjected to that. So it's their loss if they can't take it like adults, and if they don't want anything that's fine by me.

I'm tired of all this. I'm even think I don't need it and would be better off without it.

Guess what my current mood is.

I never did any chiasing, then once I was 18, the person that I am marrying in Feburary turned up in my house and life just sort of... happened.

[Rykaj]

@^ You lucky bastard.

I think most people do actually have to work for it and cause love just doesn't turn up on the doorstep. Except for you, obviously.

[Dragonrider]

It is for that very reasons that I organized all my legos into little plastic baggies by type. Hopefully, this doesn't send up red flags about control issues.

We have stacks and stacks of bins and once upon a time our legos were neatly sorted into "hinged pieces", "bricks", "small flats", "large flats", "people", etc...I think there were about twenty different catagories. That was when I was in charge. Now my 10-year-old brother has them and um...well, we're lucky when they're in bins at all.

[Deuterium]

We have stacks and stacks of bins and once upon a time our legos were neatly sorted into "hinged pieces", "bricks", "small flats", "large flats", "people", etc...I think there were about twenty different catagories. That was when I was in charge. Now my 10-year-old brother has them and um...well, we're lucky when they're in bins at all.

Hah, yes. Why bother with caltrops - just scatter lego across the carpet and lay in wait!

I must go find out what happened to my collection...

[PhallicWarrior]

This might sound a bit disorganized but you have to understand, I'm new at this "asking for help" business.

OK, here goes.

I met this girl by pure chance about a year ago. She was, and still is, a great person and I really like her. The problem is, she lives in a different state (Connecticut, as opposed to NY) and I still have to rely on my parents to get around, and she's too shy to ask me out, which puts a bit of a damper on dating plans. As a result, we haven't seen each other since the party, though we keep in touch via email and such. I got fed up with this and asked her if she wanted to break it off, and she emails me back saying that there wasn't ever anything between us, but that she would like there to be. Thing is, I half-expected her to say "we're done and let's get on with our lives," and that I would be happy to end it and blah, blah, blah... But it isn't that simple. I still like her (though I was finally ready to accept that I'd never see her again.) and I want to be with her, but it's going to be hard as ever to arrange anything and I like at least one other girl back home and... well that's it.

[AngelSword]

Spoiler

Show

TK: I just want to be friends.... I'm really not looking for anything serious

Back to waiting.

[FdL]

Thanks DR and Xykon. I guess I'm tired of it, I just want to leave that stress out of my life, 'cause it's getting me nowhere. I don't know.

Lego analogy was great, though ;) It's just that I like Lego a lot.

Oh, and LastResort, you are a very fortunate man. I don't think it's a good example because that doesn't happen often, but really, congratulations.

Spoiler

Show

TK: I just want to be friends.... I'm really not looking for anything serious

Back to waiting.

She said that? Well, a pity, but life goes on. Do you want to be her friend? If you can do it, then it's great.

Don't feel bad. It sucks, but that's life. You can't be loved by everyone. At least she's your friend, and that is important, if you want it.

Oh, then my overanalyzing self kicks in. Because if I got that I'd be thinking "what do you mean by 'not looking for anything serious'?". But that doubting, stalling Felipe is becoming extinct, thankfully.