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  1. - Top - End - #151
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Syka's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    Yah, I get that.

    It's also why I told him flat out the other night that if he wanted to stay friends, he needed to stop it. My other ex didn't stop it, and we aren't friends. I'm hoping he is able to act as mature as I thought he was.


    And was that a veiled come-on? No fair hitting on a girl on the rebound. ;)

    Cheers,
    Syka
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I envy the way that you move
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I want something a little bit louder
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause you're brilliant when you try
    Show me how pretty the whole world is tonight
    -Matt Nathanson "Pretty the World"

    Various Syka-Foxes done by the wonderful Ceika

  2. - Top - End - #152
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    Zeb The Troll's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    Oy! I missed so much today. And no multiquote.

    @TGS - are you going to be working during this week or are you taking time off? If you're going to be available during the day, a trip to an amusement park during the week might be something to look into.

    @Dragonrider - It sounds to me like you've got this under control at this point. If you both are aware of your feelings and are both aware of what's NOT going to happen, at least in the near term, then I think that would make it easier to be friendly around him. I've been in this situation in the past and it helped to have the relationship clearly defined. You don't have to feel weird about anything because everything is on the table. You both also know what the limits are. I'd imagine that both of you will go out of your way not to behave inappropriately with each other (no lingering hugs, no longing sidelong glances, etc). If it does happen that they break up, you can broach the subject again. In the meantime, keep looking. Don't wait for him. Show him you can get along with him platonically and have your own romantic life with someone else. It'll make everything easier for everyone. As for your cousin, just like Syka said, be pleasant but don't let her bring it up.

    @Syka - It's hard to be clear on the right advice for me to give you here. I really think you shouldn't leave yourself open to the option of rekindling the relationship. It's true that we don't have the details but the meat of it is that he betrayed your trust. That's something that will be hard to overcome. In the back of your mind this will linger. Him turning it around on you is the worst way to handle a breach of trust too. I might feel differently if you told us he'd immediately owned up and begged forgiveness but he didn't. I'm all for being friends if you can but I agree with Pyrian that you should cast your net and see what else you can catch. (And his post did look like an invitation, didn't it? )

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  3. - Top - End - #153

    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    Quote Originally Posted by Syka View Post
    (with the provisions that A. we're exclusive and B. if in an argument about a problem that I am not the cause of he tries turning it on me, or tries dodging a question, it's over).
    Ah yes, the Beta clause of every relationship with a female, ever. Young'uns, take note. You are always wrong, she is always right, especially when she's wrong. Always.
    Last edited by Tor the Fallen; 2007-07-31 at 12:49 AM.

  4. - Top - End - #154
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Hell Puppi's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    Now Tor...be nice....


    I'm wrong. A lot. I fully and whole-heartedly admit that now.

  5. - Top - End - #155
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    I could never agree to that Beta clause :) If someone always needs to be the winner of an argument, I doubt that you're going to have a fun relationship :) (Can just picture a couple keeping score on the fridge who won what ). Think arguments should be finished in a mutual consensus if possible, not someone "winning" :)

    but then again :) my experience with arguments is limited :)

  6. - Top - End - #156
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    Quote Originally Posted by Pepz View Post
    I could never agree to that Beta clause :) If someone always needs to be the winner of an argument, I doubt that you're going to have a fun relationship :) (Can just picture a couple keeping score on the fridge who won what ). Think arguments should be finished in a mutual consensus if possible, not someone "winning" :)

    but then again :) my experience with arguments is limited :)
    Ah yes, the beta clause. The cornerstone of sit com "hilarity." Beta girls are pretty easy to spot, as they're also usually the ones that will pick fights with you to prove that you love them.
    Alot is not a word. It's a lot, two words.
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  7. - Top - End - #157
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    It looks like there might be some misinterpretation of what Syka said in clause B. She didn't say, or even imply, that she always has to win an argument. What she said was (paraphrased) "If we're arguing about something you did wrong and you try to blame your erring on me1, or if you try to dodge a question about what you did wrong2..."

    1He's been busted kissing another girl, guilt is established.
    Her: I can't believe you would do that!
    Him: It's your fault, you know! If you hadn't....

    2She has reason to suspect he's done something wrong and is asking about it.
    Her: Did you go to the club with Wanda last night?
    Him: Well, yeah, but there were other people there too.
    Her: Did you kiss her while you were there?
    Him: What in the world can that be?! *points off in the distance* Erm, anyway, Dave had a lot to drink and so we had to drive him home.
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  8. - Top - End - #158
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    Syka's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    Ok, yah. My post was totally misinterpreted there.

    I know I'm not perfect. When we were having discussions about stuff HE SPECIFICALLY did wrong he'd try saying, "Well, you aren't perfect either." etc. I told him I know, but I can't really be expected to do anything about it if you don't say anything (which he hadn't). That argument was literally the first time I'd heard that he'd been angry with me at all. I don't mind him saying if something I do irritates him, I WANT him to. I DON'T want him to bring it up when we're going over something HE did because that is just trying to get the blame off him. "Well, you did X so is Y really that bad?"

    I take offense to the assumption that I meant I was always right.

    I also do not expect to always be the winner, nor do I expect there to be a winner. For me, I expect arguments to be discussions, admittedly heated ones, about something that needs a resolution. As such, I expect it to end in such away that some end has been reached.

    And dodging questions is wrong all around. It's fine to ask who you found out from, etc, AFTER the question has been addressed. Note the sequence of expected events.

    Sorry if I come off as a bit of a jerk, but I don't think that is really too much to ask.

    Cheers,
    Syka
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I envy the way that you move
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I want something a little bit louder
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause you're brilliant when you try
    Show me how pretty the whole world is tonight
    -Matt Nathanson "Pretty the World"

    Various Syka-Foxes done by the wonderful Ceika

  9. - Top - End - #159
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    Yeah, avoiding answering and shifting the blame are two common strategies. In my experience, men can be real cowards, use the former, then when they're found out they use the latter to pretend they're the victime.
    Not saying women don't do it, but as I've never dated one, I wouldn't really know.

    You know you're in a healthy relationship when you don't see arguments as "who's going to win?" or "who's going to be right?" but as "as can we solve our problem together?". In the end, the winner is the relationship.

    When you DID do something wrong, however, you should admit it. I do think I know more men than women who pretend they were right even after it's been proven they're not (although I know of women who do it too). I'm not sure if you're trying to be manly or what, but that's the attitude of a jerk. Owning up to one's mistakes take more guts than saying you didn't do it/ didn't do it on purpose/ didn't mean to do it or whatever.

    Also, if you cheat on someone, don't go blaming them for it. That's just common sense. The relationship might have gone wrong, because of both of you, but the cheating is your fault. You should have discussed it before it came down to it, or you should own up now and admit you've messed up. Then, and only then, you'll be able to start talking about how it came down to it.

    Also, I like when my fiancé is right and I'm wrong. It makes me admire him more for being even more clever than I am :p

  10. - Top - End - #160
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    re: Beta option

    I call this subthread dead, and now return you to your regularly scheduled advice thread.
    MudBunny

    My PM box is open for questions for the Relationship Woes and Advice thread, whether you want a private answer, or want me to post it anonymously to the thread.

  11. - Top - End - #161
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    My last post in my saga, since I'm going to be officially DONE WITH THINKING ABOUT IT as of today:

    So I talked to him on the phone for over an hour last night (about the whole deal), and I think that for him anyway, now that I've told him it's going to be easier to be friends - he's known how I felt for a while and it kind of did strain our friendship, now that the cards are on the table and we can TALK about it, it's not as big a deal. And as he isn't making it awkward, I'm going to just try to let my feelings go.

    Which is the hard part, for me...but I also understand that I can't just keep bouncing back and hoping that THIS TIME it'll turn out for the best. That's why I'm not going to let myself dwell on it anymore....It'll take a while to figure out how to be friends with him without feeling that way...I don't want to erase him from my life but I want to be able to look at his picture without regret.

    (Ok I'm setting my goals pretty high for this early, but I need to do SOMETHING...)

    And oh yeah....my dad wrote a song about the whole thing last night. My mom knew what was going on so of course she told him. I've never even discussed it with him before. I thought I was done with crying till he played the song for me...there's nothing like parental sympathy...It's hard to know you're doing all the right things and it's just not enough.

    Okay. My last, long self-pity list. Thank you for listening, it really has made it a lot easier, especially the advice. I've got it under control logistically, now it's just dealing with myself, and that'll come.

    Thanks.

  12. - Top - End - #162
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    Quote Originally Posted by Syka View Post
    And was that a veiled come-on?
    Well, I did see your picture before you took it down.

    Quote Originally Posted by Syka View Post
    No fair hitting on a girl on the rebound. ;)
    Pfff. That's totally fair game in my book. IIRC, though, you're a fair bit younger than my usual dating range.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zeb The Troll View Post
    I'm all for being friends if you can but I agree with Pyrian that you should cast your net and see what else you can catch. (And his post did look like an invitation, didn't it? )
    I add one little smily to the end of an otherwise perfectly innocent sentence and everybody sees it as a come on.

  13. - Top - End - #163
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    I gotta say, that last post of yours didn't help your case much, Pyrian.

    Dragonrider, since it doesn't seem like too many other people have said it, I'll take the honors (heh, yeah, right..) Be prepared to not be able to get rid of the way you feel about him. Or at least for it to take a long while. It's one thing to say you'll do it, but another entirely to actually carry through. I'm sorry for the whole situation, though, and I would agree with actually getting angry at your cousin even if she does the tears and "I'm sorry" bit. She can help it, and while she may love you, she certainly has a horrible way of showing it.

    Skenardo, I think Zeb has a good idea with the amusement park trip. Also, maybe a day in just watching movies. Especially a good idea if it decides to be really rainy one day and you don't want to risk getting her wet.
    -Vonriel

    "DEMONS RUN WHEN A GOOD MAN GOES TO WAR."

  14. - Top - End - #164
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    Quote Originally Posted by Dragonrider View Post
    Which is the hard part, for me...but I also understand that I can't just keep bouncing back and hoping that THIS TIME it'll turn out for the best. That's why I'm not going to let myself dwell on it anymore....It'll take a while to figure out how to be friends with him without feeling that way...I don't want to erase him from my life but I want to be able to look at his picture without regret.
    It will take a while, but it will happen.

    A couple of years ago (6 to be precise), when I was finishing up my PhD (Chemistry), my girlfriend went to Italy for a year. I dropped some big $$$ to go to see her for christmas/new years. My first christmas/NY ever not with my mother.

    Anyways, about 1 month after I get back, I get an international Dear Marcel call. It took me about 2 years to get over the feeling of my heart being broken when I would think about her, look at something that she had given me or something like that.

    (Ok I'm setting my goals pretty high for this early, but I need to do SOMETHING...)
    If you never aim for the stars, I can guarantee that you will never hit the moon.
    MudBunny

    My PM box is open for questions for the Relationship Woes and Advice thread, whether you want a private answer, or want me to post it anonymously to the thread.

  15. - Top - End - #165
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    Syka's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    Yah, it takes a while. But it'll eventually get to a non-painful state. Times are different for everyone, but it does happen. *hugs* It'll be ok, even though I know it seems like it won't.

    Cheers,
    Syka
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I envy the way that you move
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I want something a little bit louder
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause you're brilliant when you try
    Show me how pretty the whole world is tonight
    -Matt Nathanson "Pretty the World"

    Various Syka-Foxes done by the wonderful Ceika

  16. - Top - End - #166
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    @Dragonrider

    The slow times are when the thinking becomes most problematic. Keeping busy will make it easier for you, and maybe in the process you'll run into someone new.

  17. - Top - End - #167
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Skenardo View Post
    I need some suggestions. My long-distance lady-friend is coming to visit for a week in mid-August, and I'm trying to think of a list of things that I could offer up to do.

    *SNIP*

    Any further suggestions from the playground?
    I like most of your ideas, and I can't say as I know how much you've posted here about your relationship so I'll give you some general thoughts.

    This is a Long Distance LTR, so generally I'd stay away from "at-home" dates. Most of your relationship needs to revolve around being at-home because of distance, take the opportunity of being together to spend some time out and about. Depending on age and your current desire of one another that may or may not happen. Many LTR's of this type devolve in to monkey madness when they finally interact, so you may get to do nothing outside of the home.

    That being said. Take her someplace you know well, if you don't go out to fancy dinner's too often I wouldn't suggest it. A fancy dinner is good, but it's much better if you happen to know a few things about wine and the type of food served. If neither of you know anything about fine dining and you want to make an adventure out of it, it can work. But that seems like something more likely for a long term relationship where you can spend a lot of time together, which I'm guessing is not what you have here.

    If she is coming to see you, let her experience your world and try to include her in it. If there are things you like to do, if you enjoy the local theater and are familiar with the troupe's, if you enjoy the beach or sailing or similar, those are great ideas. Nothing is more enjoyable then bringing someone who is visiting in to your world, it can create a really close bond and it is less likely to have "unhappy" circumstances.

    Shopping: Shopping is one of my favorite dates of all time. Nothing is better, for me, then to take a girl out shopping. I'll even allow them to help me pick out some clothes. Even with the almost unhealthy amount of time I spend looking at fashions, most women can still pick out a few pieces that are better then I would see. So let her play dress up for you, and while your at it, let her fashion sense come out and dress you up. It'll be fun for both of you, and if you have no fashion sense (most guys don't really) you'll probably end up with a few good outfits out of it...

    Well that's my professional opinion at any rate. Good Luck!


    __DragonRider___
    Sorry to hear about all your troubles. I offer my sympathy to you. I wish I could have such easy council for those kinds of problems, but I guess only time can help that sort of problem.
    Last edited by Nightgaunt; 2007-07-31 at 06:24 PM. Reason: Grammer *sigh*
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  18. - Top - End - #168
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    If anybody remembers my situation or is active enough to search it up, a news update : I´m going to another school(after summer holidays ofcourse) and I miss her even if we didnt do much things toghetter,I also think I just miss for a lack of better wording enviroment(how do you spell that?) of my old class.

    So the only contact I will have with her will be over msn......
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  19. - Top - End - #169
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two

    Ah yes dallas-dakota, I remember your plight. Moving in general sucks. Making new friends and getting used to the teachers can be a pain, but you just gotta get out there and meet people. As for your lady friend, if you do enjoy her company and want to see if you can make a long distance relationship work go for it. (Actually are you dating her?) If you're not dating her, maybe you should branch out, I'm not saying that you need to forget her, but don't use her as an excuse to not find other people. It'll be difficult to get used to the new school, and it does suck to be the new kid, but it won't be too long until you get used to the new environment. I've changed schools at least 4 times in my life from elementary to high school, so I can relate to what your going through.

  20. - Top - End - #170
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    Logic's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

    A whole day without any woes? We must have cured them all!

    *High-fives Syka, Zeb, and other common advice givers.*
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  21. - Top - End - #171
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    Syka's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

    Eh, I've had woes. Just don't feel like being in a sharing mood. Plus I'm coping and I don't want to sound like I'm constantly complaining.

    But yay for solving problems!

    Cheers,
    Syka
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I envy the way that you move
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I want something a little bit louder
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause you're brilliant when you try
    Show me how pretty the whole world is tonight
    -Matt Nathanson "Pretty the World"

    Various Syka-Foxes done by the wonderful Ceika

  22. - Top - End - #172

    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by Dragonrider View Post
    My last post in my saga, since I'm going to be officially DONE WITH THINKING ABOUT IT as of today:

    So I talked to him on the phone for over an hour last night (about the whole deal), and I think that for him anyway, now that I've told him it's going to be easier to be friends - he's known how I felt for a while and it kind of did strain our friendship, now that the cards are on the table and we can TALK about it, it's not as big a deal. And as he isn't making it awkward, I'm going to just try to let my feelings go.

    Which is the hard part, for me...but I also understand that I can't just keep bouncing back and hoping that THIS TIME it'll turn out for the best. That's why I'm not going to let myself dwell on it anymore....It'll take a while to figure out how to be friends with him without feeling that way...I don't want to erase him from my life but I want to be able to look at his picture without regret.

    (Ok I'm setting my goals pretty high for this early, but I need to do SOMETHING...)

    And oh yeah....my dad wrote a song about the whole thing last night. My mom knew what was going on so of course she told him. I've never even discussed it with him before. I thought I was done with crying till he played the song for me...there's nothing like parental sympathy...It's hard to know you're doing all the right things and it's just not enough.

    Okay. My last, long self-pity list. Thank you for listening, it really has made it a lot easier, especially the advice. I've got it under control logistically, now it's just dealing with myself, and that'll come.

    Thanks.
    You could always try getting him good and drunk. Guys are easy when they're sloshed.
    At least, I am.

  23. - Top - End - #173
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by Tor the Fallen View Post
    You could always try getting him good and drunk. Guys are easy when they're sloshed.
    At least, I am.
    Guys are NOT easy at some time?????
    Alot is not a word. It's a lot, two words.
    Always use the proper tool. If the proper tool isn't available, try a hammer.


  24. - Top - End - #174
    Colossus in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

    ...
    Oh man, I wanna take the bait, but it'll be scrubbed, I know it.

  25. - Top - End - #175
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

    I was going to say as long as you have epic boobage for most guys, and the ability to hold a conversation for the rest...and you can pretty much get most of 'em.
    Then of course there's the taken ones that are loyal. THOSE are the challenge.


    Note: I both mean the above statement and at the same time laugh at it's absurdity.

  26. - Top - End - #176

    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by HellPuppi View Post
    I was going to say as long as you have epic boobage for most guys, and the ability to hold a conversation for the rest...and you can pretty much get most of 'em.
    Then of course there's the taken ones that are loyal. THOSE are the challenge.


    Note: I both mean the above statement and at the same time laugh at it's absurdity.
    Well, as long as the waist as narrow, and the boobage more precariously perched rather than comfortably slouched or worse, nestled, then a conversation really isn't necessary.

  27. - Top - End - #177
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

    ^ as I was saying, for some its epic boobs, for the rest the hook is the ability to hold a conversation.

  28. - Top - End - #178
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by HellPuppi View Post
    ^ as I was saying, for some its epic boobs, for the rest the hook is the ability to hold a conversation.
    I'm not sure I'd be interested in boobs that could hold their own in a fight with a god. Let's just stick with high level shall we?
    Avatar by Sneak - The Midnight Son by Ceika
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    Give thanks ye mortals, for he rides on the wings of an angel.
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  29. - Top - End - #179

    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by Midnight Son View Post
    I'm not sure I'd be interested in boobs that could hold their own in a fight with a god. Let's just stick with high level shall we?
    Hmmm, I wonder if there is a tit deity out there.... Heh, imagine having lactation in your portfolio. At least there wouldn't be too many adventurers vying for it.

  30. - Top - End - #180
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

    Somehow I imagine a kahli-like deity, but with a ginormous rack, shirtless. The boob goddess. If you anger her she curses you with sagginess.

    I fear I have started something...but the thought of a dnd game with the Boob Goddess is something too funny to not think of

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