Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

[ForzaFiori]

Crush-cam update:

Bombed :(

The conversation was going well (I need to create a friendly atmosphere before making the move), but before I could do my thing she mentions she's seeing someone. The guy she talked about, apparently it's still on. She even showed me a pic :S

Then I still told her I was planning on asking her out. She took it well, meh... :S Crap...This always happens to me...I hate it when they "my boyfriend" me out of the blue.

I need a random hug. Just a little hug and I'll be back to my usual manageable level of depression :p

But I'm not giving up yet...I'll retire slightly to plan a new strategy and wait in the shadows. Something went wrong here, and it will be improved next time.

I really hate that man.
last year, i had something like that happen, almost made me lose both the girl I like, and my best friend. the best friend was gonna ask the girl out, and he told me (thankfully), and i manged to talk him out of it (he went on to date someone else, while i dated the first girl.). It would have sucked if he hadn't told me though, i would have beaten his ass, cause he knew i like her.

[Dragonrider]

Aww, *hugs* to all you people with romantical problems... I know they help cuz they sure did with me.

Speaking of that...I'm getting to the point now where I can think about it in a (fairly) rational way and I'm thinking this is probably for the best that it comes out now. Because if he and I had started dating (or even just had more of a relationship than we ever did) and then my cousin came in at THAT point, the whole situation would have been WAY worse. She pretty much has him wrapped around her finger.

Anyway, I talked to him on the phone about five times last week, and he's made it pretty clear that he wants me as a friend. I can definitely live with that - and having our relationship clear-cut is going to help me getting over him.

[Zeb The Troll]

Crush-cam update:

Bombed :(

The conversation was going well (I need to create a friendly atmosphere before making the move), but before I could do my thing she mentions she's seeing someone. The guy she talked about, apparently it's still on. She even showed me a pic :S

Then I still told her I was planning on asking her out. She took it well, meh... :S Crap...This always happens to me...I hate it when they "my boyfriend" me out of the blue.

I need a random hug. Just a little hug and I'll be back to my usual manageable level of depression :p

But I'm not giving up yet...I'll retire slightly to plan a new strategy and wait in the shadows. Something went wrong here, and it will be improved next time.

How about a manly shoulder pat instead?
*manly shoulder pat*

I'd still say the fact that she took it well bodes well for you in the "you'll still be good friends" aspect.

I'm curious, though. How do you mean "she took it well"? Depending on circumstances it could mean either "not you right now, but don't give up hope in case this doesn't work out" or it could mean "I like you, but not like that, but I don't want to lose what we've already got".

Of course neither is bad but it could help you plan for the future. I'd say given that she shared with you that she's looking for someone (even though already in an apparently not so serious relationship) means that at the very least she views you in a positive light.

At this point, though, I'd actually have to agree with something David D said (who I generally abhor, by the way). Date other people. At least show interest in other people. Only I say this not with the intention of making her jealous. I'm saying it meaning that it can show her that you're not pining for her and are capable of being happy without her even if you would like it if you could be with her.

I hope that made sense. If not, I'll try to elaborate.

Aww, *hugs* to all you people with romantical problems... I know they help cuz they sure did with me.

Speaking of that...I'm getting to the point now where I can think about it in a (fairly) rational way and I'm thinking this is probably for the best that it comes out now. Because if he and I had started dating (or even just had more of a relationship than we ever did) and then my cousin came in at THAT point, the whole situation would have been WAY worse. She pretty much has him wrapped around her finger.

Anyway, I talked to him on the phone about five times last week, and he's made it pretty clear that he wants me as a friend. I can definitely live with that - and having our relationship clear-cut is going to help me getting over him.

That's great to hear, DR. I think I speak for all of us when I say we're glad we could help.

[Alarra]

In that same vein, it can also make it harder to maintain a friendship if one or the other does appear to harbor strong feelings that aren't necessarily reciprocated. You can uphold all appearances of still being great friends, but there will generally be this slight tension under the surface and in spite of the greatest intentions both people's behavior will have changed. Moving on works helps to reduce this tension and bring things back to where things were before. At least, that's been my experience.

[Logic]

In that same vein, it can also make it harder to maintain a friendship if one or the other does appear to harbor strong feelings that aren't necessarily reciprocated. You can uphold all appearances of still being great friends, but there will generally be this slight tension under the surface and in spite of the greatest intentions both people's behavior will have changed. Moving on works helps to reduce this tension and bring things back to where things were before. At least, that's been my experience.

Being on both sides of the "unreciprocated-feelings-that-we-both-know-about-but-are-still-friends" fence, I have to say that it is harder to be comfortable being just friends.

Unfortunately, the crusher has a harder time with this than the crushee.

[Dragonrider]

Also hard when you're sitting there knowing they know about you and wondering what they think about it. Because even if they say they're okay with it, you're wondering if they really MEAN that or if they're just saying it because they feel bad about not liking you back.

[Zeb The Troll]

Which gets back to what we are saying. Move on. It makes continuing the friendship easier for all involved.

[Logic]

Which gets back to what we are saying. Move on. It makes continuing the friendship easier for all involved.

Easier said than done.

Though it does help to have other interesting prospects.

[Zeb The Troll]

Easier said than done.

Though it does help to have other interesting prospects.

I won't deny that, but even the looking helps.

And apparently I must wait longer between posts.

[Vonriel]

I get that in the SMBG forum a lot. Most of my posts here, though, tend to be lengthy or few and far between...

Erm, I can't really comment on the current line of conversation.

[Alarra]

Being on both sides of the "unreciprocated-feelings-that-we-both-know-about-but-are-still-friends" fence, I have to say that it is harder to be comfortable being just friends.

Unfortunately, the crusher has a harder time with this than the crushee.

I've been on both sides of this as well, and neither is at all easy. But in the long run, some friendships are really worth pushing through the awkwardness and can become even stronger than they were before. It's hard, and can be awkward and strained, and to really be 'friends' you both have to have put the 'something more' aside. But it can and does work.

[Vuzzmop]

Definately what Allara said. For a reference, watch a few episodes of "friends", they switch partners more than square-dancers, but it turns out okay. It may seem unrealistic, and it is, but just try to keep the friendship together, and let the other feelings slowly change to those of a stronger, but platonic relationship.

[Tor the Fallen]

Definately what Allara said. For a reference, watch a few episodes of "friends", they switch partners more than square-dancers, but it turns out okay. It may seem unrealistic, and it is, but just try to keep the friendship together, and let the other feelings slowly change to those of a stronger, but platonic relationship.

Totally agree. You should watch Friends for dating advice.

[Alarra]

Hahahahaha...

erm...sorry.

How many times has Ross been married again?

[Jibar]

3.
Unless he did get married to Rachel after it ended. Then it's 4.

I might watch Friends...

[Hell Puppi]

Jibar...your siggy makes me wonder...
What would you get if you mixed a hell puppi with a cat muffin?

[Logic]

Jibar...your siggy makes me wonder...
What would you get if you mixed a hell puppi with a cat muffin?

A sitcom. Extra text!

[Hell Puppi]

Well that's...anti-climactic.

[Glaivemaster]

Well, time to ask you expert advice givers for some advice I suppose. Luckily, this doesn't come under the 'Woes' part of the thread, so I won't make myself a priority.

So, to quickly sum up: Girl I like (I'll call her Sarah). My friend introduced us a while back, with whatever intentions she had, because we're very similar people apparently. Which is entirely true. Sarah and I got to talking a lot on MSN, and I found that I really liked her (and she seemed to like me too). So I asked to meet her in person, since I hadn't yet, and I like to be able to put names to faces. However, even though we were going out for 'lunch', which in the end turned out to be eating chips in a park, we were only going as friends. I enjoyed the day, and liked Sarah even more than I'd realised at first.

I asked the friend that introduced us recently why she'd introduced us, because we're alike and she wanted us to be friends, or because she thought me and Sarah should get together. She said that originally it had been intended mainly as friends, but she'd like to see us get together, and admitted that Sarah probably would as well. That's what I'd been assuming as well.

We went out again yesterday, saw a movie (Transformers, surprisingly good actually), and generally had a great time doing not much at all.

The advice is needed here: What would be the best way of asking Sarah out, bearing in mind that her best friend says she likes me enough, and that I have previously done things with her (gone for a meal, gone to a movie) that might be considered date-y, and all future suggestions in that vein would probably turn out as a friends thing?

Also, how can I make my questions shorter, so that they become easier to read and you don't have to wade through a load of nonsense before reaching the end and forgetting that there was a question there until you reach the question mark?

Thanks for reading

[Alarra]

Well....I'm always a fan of a simple: "Would you like to go out with me?"
But then, I rarely ask people out, so I'm hardly a good person to ask...but simple, direct, honest...best way to go, especially if you're already fairly certain she likes you.

[Zeb The Troll]

Hey, happy news!

I'm actually not that experienced in what you're asking about, being a bit the shy type myself, but let me sort of share what worked for me recently. I said "Hey, I had a lot of fun with you this weekend and I found that I like you more than I anticipated I would. If you aren't opposed to the idea, I'd like to continue seeing you and see where it goes." Only, I ended up doing it via PM for various reasons and had a lot time to compose exactly what I wanted to say (twice, as it happened, but that's another story) and it was quite a bit longer. You could try taking that sentiment, though, and rewording it so it doesn't sound like you're reading a cue card and has a more natural "speaking" flow to it.

EDIT: Or you could take ^'s advice which is much simpler than mine.

[Serpentine]

"Would you like to go out with me?"

Ugh. As I've said previously, I hate this one. Though it'd probably be more acceptable in these circumstances... The way I'd like it to happen is if on one of these ordinary outings you just took her hand, and maybe snuck in a kiss as a goodbye... but then again, my current relationship began with several weeks of being "cosy", an afternoon of makeouts, my saying "so are you mine now?", and him getting all uppity at the suggestion that he'd make out with me all afternoon and not consider me his. So yeah...
What I'd suggest is just the next time you intend to arrange one of these outings, say something along the lines of "would you like to have lunch again on Saturday? Say, as, you know, a date?" Just out and say it...

[Alarra]

While the 'just falling into things' can work well, a lot of times it's nice to have it spelled out, especially if you worry about one of you taking things in a 'date' manner and the other in a 'friend' manner. Better to be clear from the start.

Of course, I also follow the sentiment that holding someone's hand or perhaps occasionally making out with them doesn't necessarily translate into actually 'going out with' them. At least, in high school, it didn't, and for a lot of people I knew in college also. That being said...if I want to start a relationship with someone, I'll generally try to work things to where I'm holding their hand, or will give them a kiss, but still would generally wait for them to actually ask or clarify that we are dating.

[AngelSword]

Ugh. As I've said previously, I hate this one. Though it'd probably be more acceptable in these circumstances... The way I'd like it to happen is if on one of these ordinary outings you just took her hand, and maybe snuck in a kiss as a goodbye... but then again, my current relationship began with several weeks of being "cosy", an afternoon of makeouts, my saying "so are you mine now?", and him getting all uppity at the suggestion that he'd make out with me all afternoon and not consider me his.

Funny, that's quite similar how my last relationship started (as well as the relationship with that girl in a previous encounter). We were in her room, watching a movie, and I looked over to her, and said, "We're in a relationship, aren't we?"

Surprisingly (or not, depending on how cynical you are), both relationships ended the same way, too.

[Serpentine]

Of course, I also follow the sentiment that holding someone's hand or perhaps occasionally making out with them doesn't necessarily translate into actually 'going out with' them.

Thus my "are you mine yet?" clarification. Yeah, I guess it does have to be stated properly at some point...

[Alarra]

But you see, my dear Serpentine...starting out with things clarified would mean you wouldn't have to cuddle in uncertainty for several weeks before you finally clarify things.

[Serpentine]

Ah, but it is that uncertainty, indeed, that makes me love those days so much. The coy glances, furtive brushes, covert toe-touches... *whistful sigh* They're the reason males exist... Once it's official, almost all of that is gone. What is still there, loses its charm...

[Alarra]

Well, perhaps so....I mean, okay, I'll give you that there's an excitement to that. But I prefer things certain. I don't like the uncomfortable feeling of wondering if what I'm doing is okay or if things are still on track or if I'm screwing everything up. Although, even with a 'certain' relationship, you'll have a lot of that in beginning stages. But clarifying that you're both on the same page as far as that goes can eliminate a fair bit of that in my experience.

[Zeb The Troll]

Ah, but it is that uncertainty, indeed, that makes me love those days so much. The coy glances, furtive brushes, covert toe-touches... *whistful sigh* They're the reason males exist... Once it's official, almost all of that is gone. What is still there, loses its charm...

I wholeheartedly disagree. There is still plenty of that kind of flirty exploration in the early days of a romance regardless of whether or not it's spelled out.

[Alarra]

I wholeheartedly disagree. There is still plenty of that kind of flirty exploration in the early days of a romance regardless of whether or not it's spelled out.

Yes. Yes there is. I agree with this.