Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[ZeroGear]

Rivit: "So, enemy ninjas ambushed you at your house, and you fought them off using a [Redacted]?"
Wyzz: "Why were you even holding a [Redacted]?"
Nyfe: "Stress relief."

The Great Mugu: "Ah, my old foe, I see you brought your little pets along."
Buster: "WHO ARE YOU CALLING 'LITTLE'?"
Sypher: "Wait, THAT'S the part you're disputing?"

Dealer: ...] the wall suddenly flips, taking both Rivit and Sypher with it.
Buster: "Curse you ninja house!"

Dealer: A black mist begins to rise from the depths, coalescing into a being of living darkness...
Wyzz: I cast magic missile at it!

Sypher: "I just can't understand why anyone would shape the head of a rocket to look like a pair of clasped hands with pointed index fingers."
Rivit: "They're ninjas; they don't need a reason to create a kancho missile."
Sypher: "Ah, that might also explain why it's a heat-seeking type."

Buster: "I have this strange nagging sensation that I should have worn iron underwear today."

Wyzz: "Hang on, I'm getting a woogie-woogie feeling from this."
Nyfe: "A 'woogie-woogie feeling'?"
Wyzz: "You know, that strange sensation you get when it feels like it's the wrong time to you? It's like that feeing you get when you're on vacation and the show you love comes on at 7:30 instead of 8:00."
Nyfe: "And here I though ninjas were weird."

Dealer: I'm going to need an Agility check to see if you can make it.
Cards: *fail*
Dealer: Well, you manage to get a good head start, but all of the sudden your leg cramps up and you stumble.
Wyzz: "CHARLIE HORSE! CHARLIE HORSE!"

[Gallade]

Geralt: "When this construct is done dragons won't do crap against it. Constructs are pretty much invincible to everything."
Lucian: "Except the Disintegrate spell. It disintegrates them."
Geralt: "But can people capable of casting Disintegrate fly?"
Root: "If you strap them to a rocket, they can."
Lucian: "Or if they cast Fly."
Root: "Damn, magic just made something less awesome. I thought it was impossible."


Geralt: "You should have your own theme song."
Root: "Something like this:
He cleans his house with a black hole
He'll pick a lock with an atom bomb
Give you an extra lung if you got a cold
That's Root and we have said it all"

Root: "Can you wait until I have already done all that stuff though? Just a few more days."

[DigoDragon]

Brazen: “Hmmm... Just had an idea based on the Queen's irritation with Pinkie Pie. Think we can infect the hive mind with musical earworms?”
GM: “...Do you HAVE musical earworms?”
Rose: “I can vouch that Beep Beep I'm a Sheep is lethal as an earworm. I'm on day 3 of it stuck in my head.”
GM: “Huh. Never heard that one before.”
Rose: “Well you're in for a treat.”

GM: “And then Brazen ran out of ammo, so he picked up a pipe. He sent the zombies' heads flying and one went rolling down a nearby drainpipe. And that is how Equestria invented golf.”

Sniper: “Do we know anything of the stone keeping the Iron King alive or its location?”
Star Chaser: “You aren't going to like the answer. It's... another Marelantean artifact. And also, it's attached to the back of his neck.”
Rose: “Okay, I'm going to have a stern talk with these Marelanteans... if they were like, yanno, still around. I mean seriously. I'm a doctor, not an archaeologist.”

Brazen: “Welp, do or squish I guess.”
GM: “At this point, Brazen might begin to regret his life choices.”

Love: “Don't let this dissuade you from a peaceful solution. We're still open to negotiating despite our apparent lack of intent.”

Rose: “Ugh, Marelantean artifacts? Why do ancient ponies build incredibly powerful evil things with no off switch?”

Sniper: “Make one wrong move, and you shall find that, unlike the others, I do not shoot to stun.”

GM: “Guess what flaws Rainbow Dash and Brazen have in common?”
Rose: “They get shipped with everyone?”

Sniper: “Wow, any higher on that roll and I would have somehow crit failed falling asleep. Maybe Scope failed sleep so hard he stayed awake?”

Rose: “Rose let out a weak cough as her world got dizzy and dark and OhThereGoesHerMotorSkills.” *thud*

[Gallade]

"When did I agree to become a bomb for you?"
"The second you agreed to put that fluid-pumping machine on your arm. By the way, don't yank it out. It will do the same thing as pulling a loose thread on a sweater, except with your blood vessels."

[DigoDragon]

Now that hurricane shenanigans are done with...


Nick: "It was three days after the Earth formed; Light, heaven, seas, land, animals, domino tables."

GM: "That's dangerous territory you're skirting into."
Nick: "I know, but as a monk I'm skirting into it at 40 feet per move action."

GM: "Okay Google, how long is a Bengal tiger?"
Google: "Two days."

Chris: "First let's see who gets the ring."
Digo: "Roll off. Highest gets the ring."
Die roll: *2*
Chris: "Ha! Ha! I can beat that."
Die roll: *2*

Nick: "So what does Sven sell?"
Hans: "He raises dire wolves as sled dogs."
Digo: "Wow, what's he feeding them?"
Hans: "The competition."

GM: "Take 10 exp for proper book-keeping. I'm very CDO about that."

Nick: "He can go under the ice, but he might not be able to come back up. Remember, every ship can be a submarine. Once."

Chris: "Oh, I turned right to the page."
Nick: "Our books know us."
Chris: "Heward's Handy Players Guide."

Nick: "Oh my god, I hear old people. And I'm it."

Digo: "Don't worry guys, I got just the thing."
Digo: *pulls out a bag* "Doobie snacks."
GM: "So, Digo comes back with a pack of very mellow dire wolves."
Nick: "Where'd you all go, Washington state?"

Chris: "So how do Freya and Nick feel, having been swallowed? Can't have been good."
Digo: "Eh, it ain't that bad. I've been swallowed before."
GM: "Low-hanging fruit, guys."
Chris: "... ... ..."
Freya: "It's true, though. Digo had been swallowed before." *points to Mel* "And no, not by me."

Digo: "I never seen a snowstorm apologize."

Nick: "It was a 42 though!"
GM: "No, no matter how high your combined crafting check, you cannot build the Fortress of Solitude!"

Mel: "Help me, Obi-Marcus-kenobi, you're my only summons."

Nick: "Yay, dragon nuggets! Five-hundred pounds of breaded meaty goodness!"

Chris: "I came back from the dead."
Marcus: "Really? How did that happen?"
Chris: "Double. Fireball."
Digo: "All the way!"
Freya: "What does it mean?"
GM: *bangs head on table*

Marcus (a great wyrm copper dragon) *knocks on the castle door*
Castle Guard: *opens the door*
Marcus: "Have you heard the good word of Bahamut today?"

Chris: "Pfbffbtt."
Mel: "Yeah, that's how I feel."
Digo: "You feel like a neigh? Or was that a whinny?"
Chris: "Winnie the Pooh?"
Nick: "No, just a poo."

[Guizonde]

Now that hurricane shenanigans are done with...

Nick: "So what does Sven sell?"
Hans: "He raises dire wolves as sled dogs."
Digo: "Wow, what's he feeding them?"
Hans: "The competition."

that's a business practice i can get behind! *ba dum tish!*

Digo: "Don't worry guys, I got just the thing."
Digo: *pulls out a bag* "Doobie snacks."
GM: "So, Digo comes back with a pack of very mellow dire wolves."
Nick: "Where'd you all go, Washington state?"

... and i catch flak for giving my teammates something medicinal?! no fair!

Marcus (a great wyrm copper dragon) *knocks on the castle door*
Castle Guard: *opens the door*
Marcus: "Have you heard the good word of Bahamut today?"

that reminds me of one pre-encounter exchange.

*knock on the door*
edward: i'll get it! *peers through peephole* *leaves, ashen faced* nopenopenope.
kazu: who's at the door? *blank stare from edward* you're so weird, edward... *peers through peephole* nopenopenope.
oak: guys?
ed and kazu: nopenopenope.
enlil: i load my shotgun. it's never good for my health when those two agree.

*door explodes*

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

... and i catch flak for giving my teammates something medicinal?! no fair!

The only difficulty was that the dire wolves got real hungry 30 minutes later. XD

enlil: i load my shotgun. it's never good for my health when those two agree.

*door explodes*

Hee hee, that is how I pictured that scene ending with Marcus. The wyrm did explode a white dragon to repay a favor her owed us (this is the reason we summoned Marcus). A party of 6th and 7th characters and the GM threw a CR12 dragon fight down our throat (giving the white dragon a surprise round without allowing us to roll checks to notice it hiding). Disappointed the GM, but heck if we're going to play fair when he doesn't

GM: “I will note that, within a few seconds, all of [The Iron King’s] wounds are healed with only faint scars left behind. And he has a lot of scars all across his body.”
Rose: “So... how much damage does unprotected reentry do?”
GM: “Not. Enough.”

Princess Celestia: “And when they do wake up, be so kind as to inform them that they are both adorable sleeping like that. I don't believe I've ever seen a pegasus curl up and cuddle a sniper rifle before.”

Rose: “Um, as Sniper Scope's dream illustrated earlier, Rose has a very tasty neck. I think I'm going to pass on that idea.”

GM: “I'm pretty sure that trying to keep Dracula as your pet would violate your lease.”

Brazen: “Heh, and I thought pissing ponies off was supposed to be my shtick.”
GM: “There's still time! If you can tick Applejack off, Rose and Love can watch from the sidelines. With popcorn. It'd be like watching that old game show, Battle of the Sexes, but with more punching and ponies.”

Rainbow Dash: “Guess who has a fancy suit tuned into all the Equestrian military comms? This mare! And we'll fight you where we want to fight you. Someplace awesome. With explosions and lightning and screaming winds! And don't think for a moment that—Ow! Lemme go! That's my tail! Seriously, AJ, cut it out! I—Ponyfeathers, this is still on. You all heard nothing, got me? Nothiiiiiing.”

Brazen: “Oh geez... Applejack is gonna have rope ain't she...”

Rose: “Wait, what?! I don't have an army of the dead! I'm a doctor, not a necromancer!”

Chrysalis: “Why must you blame me for everything? I have feelings too, you know. Anger and spite, mostly, but nevertheless.”

Sniper: “I expected a reaction, I just didn't expect that severe of a reaction.”
Rose: “Watching the team stallions rile up the mares is great entertainment. I need popcorn.”
Sniper: “Brazen's pretty good at that, isn't he?”
Brazen: “I would prefer other types of riled up but hey, beggars can't be choosers.”

[Calthropstu]

Jake: F*** you.
Vordov: I counter your F*** you with a mythic F*** you, then I augment it so an angelic chorus descends from nowhere and sings "F*** yooooouuuuuu..." and then Morgan Freeman appears in a white robe and says F*** you. No, F*** you." Then he gives you the finger, and disappears in a puff of smoke, and the angelic chorus gives you the finger and disappears in a puff of smoke... and all the puffs of smoke are giving you the finger.
Jake: ...

[Guizonde]

Jake: F*** you.
Vordov: I counter your F*** you with a mythic F*** you, then I augment it so an angelic chorus descends from nowhere and sings "F*** yooooouuuuuu..." and then Morgan Freeman appears in a white robe and says F*** you. No, F*** you." Then he gives you the finger, and disappears in a puff of smoke, and the angelic chorus gives you the finger and disappears in a puff of smoke... and all the puffs of smoke are giving you the finger.
Jake: ...

i sense hostility behind that exchange....

[Joe the Rat]

Never let the DM pick your activation word.

Spoiler: Demi-context

Show

DM: Now that you've attuned to Moonglum, what are you doing?
GoblinBard: I'm gonna go try it out on one of the Giant Scorpions. I'll use the first option.
DM: How many charges?
GoblinBard: All of them.
Party: <Collective spit-take>
DM: Oooookay. Guiding bolt. Roll for it.

<WHOOOOOOM>
DM: Here's what the party sees: A few moments after GoblinBard steps out and closes the door, he shouts something in Goblin. A brilliant silvery light shines though the crack beneath the door, lingering for a few moments before fading away. You smell burning scorpion.
NecroGnome: I speak Goblin. What did he say?
GoblinBard: "Moon Tiara Magic!"

[Gallade]

"No spoiled dire boar meat bonfires while I'm around!"

"Do you think they use the portable hole in bag of holding trick as waste disposal?"

DM:"Okay, you throw the rotted carcass outside the window. After a while, a wizard passes by, unspoils it with a spell and carries it off."
Geralt: "Son of a..."

DM:"The last travelers to enter the forest didn't come back."
Root:"Okay, we have a plan then. Let's go there and then come back."

Lucian: "Take out that emasculated longsword of yours."
Geralt: "It's called a rapier, bub."

Root: "Things not to do with the book: Let negative energy touch it, let positive energy touch it, let a key near it, let anyone but Lucian carry it, kill anything in its proximity, especially at night."
Geralt: "It's like a super-gremlin."

Mage: "Come on, how was I supposed to know it wasn't a Harry Potter reference?"
Root: "Add stabbing the book with teeth to the list of stuff not to do. Which is surprisingly not the same thing as biting."

[Guizonde]

DM:"The last travelers to enter the forest didn't come back."
Root:"Okay, we have a plan then. Let's go there and then come back."

there ain't nothing wrong with a hearty sense of self-confidence. then again, there ain't nothing wrong with running faster than a tourist after eating mexican either.

[FreddyNoNose]

"If it doesn't have a back, it isn't worth attacking!" -- an old cutthroat........

[Gallade]

"You damn corpse-disintegrating book of eldritch assness! I WANTED THAT SNAKESKIN WALLET!"

[Florian]

During a L5R game with players not used to the absolute power the samurai caste can have...

Porn dealer: Look, noble sirs and madams, I earn a great deal of Koku peddling porn slates to the likes of you. You can´t imagine the kind of protection this position...
Sascha (Crab Samurai): I cut him down using my Ono! (Rather low melee skill).
Me: You gut the porn dealer with your Ono. His intestines hang out, he pisses himself and makes a lot of noises lying and dying in front of you...
Sascha (Crab Samurai): Off that! You provoked my into killing our only witness! What did you think!
Me: ... well....

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

i sense hostility behind that exchange....

Yeah. Same.

Never let the DM pick your activation word.

GoblinBard: "Moon Tiara Magic!"

Ha ha! I am soooo now going to pick out activation words next time I'm DM. :D
This can of worms cannot be resealed.

DM:"Okay, you throw the rotted carcass outside the window. After a while, a wizard passes by, unspoils it with a spell and carries it off."
Geralt: "Son of a..."

Well played, honestly. ^^;

"If it doesn't have a back, it isn't worth attacking!" -- an old cutthroat........

But what if it's undead? Those have backs, but you can't readily sneak attack them out of the box. :o

Me: You gut the porn dealer with your Ono. His intestines hang out, he pisses himself and makes a lot of noises lying and dying in front of you...
Sascha (Crab Samurai): Off that! You provoked my into killing our only witness! What did you think!
Me: ... well....

Yikes, that was rather vicious.

Sniper: “Then we're coming up there to personally kick your flank. Because we're Harrier Squadron, and, unlike some, we're. Apple. BUCKING, AWESOME.”
Pinkie: “Whooo! You tell her, Sniper Scoop! Scope. Ooh! Scoops. What's your favorite type of ice-cream? Inquiring minds want to know.”

GM: “We're going to wait and see if Sniper can pin and stick Dash, so you're good. …I could have phrased that better.”

Rainbow Dash: “If you're feeling generous, let me die with dignity and not stuck beneath a sweaty, heavy stallion.”

Sniper: “Amusingly, this is the closest Sniper's ever gotten to an adult mare, despite taking off his armor more than anyone else this mission.”
Rose: “So, should we be jelly? Of the mare?”

Love: *holding Dash's head by the cheeks, she'll press her head against Dash's head and see if she can get any wireless off her brain*
Rose: *watches Love do... whatever that is*

Brazen: “Ooookay so AJ wasn't quite out of the woods yet. Ah don't suppose we could restrain you now then?”
Sniper: “Is that why he's trying to reenact 50 Shades of Neigh?”

Guard Commander: “Aaaaand now you've taken down Rainbow Dash and Applejack. Are you planning to make us redundant or something?”
Brazen: “Not trying to. We're just specialized, and lucky.”
Rose: “Besides, we need guards to help haul Tweedle Apple and Tweedle Ego back to where they can be cared for.”

Brazen: “Random thought of the day—I wonder where Love's restart/reset button is. This concludes Brazen's random thought of the day.”
[Smooth Jazz plays]

[Guizonde]

Guard Commander: “Aaaaand now you've taken down Rainbow Dash and Applejack. Are you planning to make us redundant or something?”
Brazen: “Not trying to. We're just specialized, and lucky.”

... this so perfectly encapsulates how my team and i play that it could be our motto if it wasn't already [bolded]:

kaht: dude, we're the yolo's. as in, "if we make it, we're heroes. if we don't, we're too dead to care." i mean, frankly, we've already won just by showing up.
dm (me): *manly tear* you guys are the sickest bastards after my own heart.
yolos: to be fair, 70% of our inspiration is "what would guizonde do if he was in that situation, besides get drunk and set something or himself on fire?"
dm (me): you bastards....

[Calthropstu]

DM: Ok, the wizard begins casting a spell.
Fighter: I counter it.
DM: Errrr... how? You're a fighter.
Fighter: picks up wizard mini and places it on the counter.
[Laughter]
Dm: Ok put it back.
Fighter: Oh you want us to encounter it?
Dm: yes.
Fighter: places mini in the counter.
Dm: ...

[ZeroGear]

DM: Ok, the wizard begins casting a spell.
Fighter: I counter it.
DM: Errrr... how? You're a fighter.
Fighter: picks up wizard mini and places it on the counter.
[Laughter]
Dm: Ok put it back.
Fighter: Oh you want us to encounter it?
Dm: yes.
Fighter: places mini in the counter.
Dm: ...

I like this guy.

Sypher: "Why is that ninja wearing a purple ribbon?"
Rivit: "Ninja dog mode."

Wyzz: "Wait, Mugu's Killbunnies are literally ninja assassins in bunnygirl outfits?"

Buster: "Exactly how dangerous are the Killbunnies."
Nyfe: "Extremely. They're fast, silent, and versed in 47 naughty killing techniques that can't be aired on television."

Killbunny: "Any last words?"
Wyzz: "I would like to buy a vowel."

Sypher: "This equipment is all state-of-the-art. I'm impressed."
Buster: "You won't be until I use this stuff to make the place go boom."
Sypher: "But these are microwave ovens and toasters, not weapons."
Buster: "Maxim 24: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable form a really big gun!"

Rivit: "So, how exactly are we getting down?"
Buster: *Big grin*
Rivit: "...what?"
Buster: "Maxim 11: Everything is airdrop-able at least once!"
Rivit: "...oh no."

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

kaht: dude, we're the yolo's. as in, "if we make it, we're heroes. if we don't, we're too dead to care." i mean, frankly, we've already won just by showing up.
dm (me): *manly tear* you guys are the sickest bastards after my own heart.

Hee hee, yeah I can totally see it. Maybe we put a bit too much trust in lady luck.

Killbunny: "Any last words?"
Wyzz: "I would like to buy a vowel."

I don't know why I just laughed out loud in the office reading this one.

Pinkie: “Hello Hairier Squad! This is Pinkie—Whee!—Pie! Guess what? The engineering crew was all changelings!—Ooh! Missed me! Missed me! Please don't kiss me!—the situation is—Oof!—under control Hello, Mr. Changeling!”

Rose: “A vampire in space just sucks. The gravity of that situation is bad. It would be the apogee of bad ideas for him... Okay, it's out of my system.”

Sniper: “Waaaait a minute. Silver tongue, manipulative, has a thin sword that can penetrate blast doors... Rarity has become a Jedi!”
GM: “She also has telekinesis and can deflect bullets/lasers. Soooo yeah, in essence. Who needs armor (which is so bulky and unflattering) when nothing can hit you anyway?”
Sniper: “Bonus points if she starts loudly denying that some unseen force is telling her what to do.”
Rarity: “Strike me down, Darling, and I'll become more fashionable than you could possible imagine! After all, artists are only really appreciated after their death.”

Rose: “The doctor's code of ethics does frown upon killing, but it's rather fuzzy on the subjects of kneecaps.”

Brazen: “Blah, headcase is feeling odd today.”
Rose: “Have you tried turning it off then back on again? Yes, it's called a nap.”

GM: “Also, new band name, 'Death Tram to Exploder Town’.”

GM: “Also, he got thrown against a wall.”
Brazen: “Trying to figure out whether the wall counts as a combo or a kill steal...”

Love: “Oh, you'll be fine. It doesn't look like we'll be increasing Rose body's metal to flesh ratio today. Darn, I wanted to go look for a new cybernetics artist. I needed a guinea pony.”

Brazen: “That's what happens when you blow first ask questions later.”

[Gallade]

"We got a new robot to fix up. Be careful though, it's full of bugs."
"...it means that the moment I open it a swarm of literal bugs is going to pour out, doesn't it?"
"Of course not. It just has a lot of programming errors."
(Opens a panel, spiders start crawling out)
"Also, the spiders."
"Didn't you say it wasn't full of literal bugs?"
"Arachnids are not bugs, Dave."

[Beacon of Chaos]

A new campaign diary has begun!

Here's one from session 1 to whet your appetite.

GM: A strange smell begins to fill the corridor.
Katari: Do I recognise the smell?
GM: Make an intellect roll.
Katari: *rolls* 9?
GM: You pass out.
Katari: Oh.

And the rest are from session 2.

Fauna: It's your fault for having such shootable abs!

Lucis: Now I know how salad feels.

Lucis: He grows space weed. Spweed.
Sinclair: Spweed sounds like some horrible made up sex thing you'd find on Urban Dictionary. "Dude, I met up with my girlfriend last night and she totally spweed me!"

GM: He's charging directly at the turret with no cover.
Sinclair: Well it was nice knowing him. Who was he again?

Sinclair: We thank you for flying Air Sinclair.

Lucis: Isn't it the Doctor's oath to "Do No Arm"?

GM: You're still just a head.
Sinclair: I'm ahead of the curve :D

[Christopher K.]

"The Merchant Prince can sell you anything.. for the right price."

"How much for a Pepsi?"

"He's only got Coke products, is that okay?"

[DigoDragon]

"He's only got Coke products, is that okay?"

My group would probably attack the merchant for that. Something something heresy.


GM: "Do we have a marker for Phil?"
Digo: "Phil? I thought his first name was Agent."

GM: "The fireball goes off, and one of them hisses in Yiddish."

Will: "My boss is a giant rhinoceros."
Digo: "RhiBOSSceros."
Will: "Um, sure. I'll go for a ride."
Digo: "Fasten your seatbelts!"
Will: "You don't have seatbelts."
Digo: "Oh well, sucks to be you!" *charges into battle*

Nick: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Freya: "Yeah, let's do this."
Nick & Freya: "AHHHHH!!" *go running away, screaming*

Armond: "I heard little kiddie screams. Who was that?"
Nick & Freya: *point to the summoned ape*
Summoned Ape: "Hey!"

GM: "William takes another critical."
Will: "OW! Right up Main Street."
Chris: "And apparently a left turn onto Fifth Avenue."

GM: "You hit him so hard, that he leaves a neutrino signature as he disintegrates."

Chris: "How long does Levitate last?"
GM: "I don't know, look it up."
Chris: *falls*

GM: "It takes one foot and two hands to operate it."
Nick: "Sucks to be Vecna!"

Phil: "What's wrong with your tiger?"
Digo: "His warranty expired."

Digo: "Well this is a fine pickle."
Nick:"This isn't a pickle."
Digo: "I know! I wish it were a pickle!"
Chris: "At least our lives aren't dill."

GM: "You guys do know you can be killed in your sleep?"
Nick: "We can be killed while awake. Why wait?"

Nick: "Playing Dueling Banjos at the River Styx sounds less like summoning the River Man and more like Deliverance."
Digo: "So... how do we summon Charon?"
Mel: *sings Come Sail Away*
GM: "That's brilliant."

[Guizonde]

GM: "William takes another critical."
Will: "OW! Right up Main Street."
Chris: "And apparently a left turn onto Fifth Avenue."

GM: "You hit him so hard, that he leaves a neutrino signature as he disintegrates."

^^ those made me chuckle. i've always been partial to "i'll kick your butt so hard, you'll taste leather for a week". a friend prefers "you got your ass kicked so hard you tasted [the current country's president]'s electoral speech".

discussion concerning our new schedule for the pf campaign:

dm: so, josé and the bard are going into full heavy support for the team.
grim: well, i was thinking into becoming an anti-devil or demon specialist, since josé and korinn are becoming necromancy specialists.
monk: i'm thinking about taking a feat to learn how to dual-wield benches. can i dual-wield barstools instead?
eva: what can i do?
korinn: i dunno, how about making sure the monk's idiocy doesn't get him killed too often?
bard: i thought i was supposed to be the main target?
josé: no, you're grim's emergency lunch. haven't you ever watched monty python's holy grail?

dm: so when are you all available?
monk: well, korinn's a virgin, the bard's single, you're sleeping with eva, and josé's... probably got a few dozen partners, some of them human...
dm: ... why am i your roommate again?
korinn: because you're sleeping with him too?
grim: i thought we were talking about dates?
josé: i think they are, but something got very incestuous very fast. and it's not my fault for once!
bard: i am sooooo confused right now.

[shelledhound]

That is an Odin P**is and deserves to be there.

And the Lieutenant's "credstick" was left over there. A guard from the Resistance cringes.

so... Our plan is to have a loli and her danger noodle to infiltrate a brothel in an antic casket full of adult entertainment?

[ZeroGear]

Spoiler: Resposes

Show

Nick: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Freya: "Yeah, let's do this."
Nick & Freya: "AHHHHH!!" *go running away, screaming*

A tried and true technique.

GM: "William takes another critical."
Will: "OW! Right up Main Street."
Chris: "And apparently a left turn onto Fifth Avenue."

Did they go the wrong way at Albuquerque?

Digo: "Well this is a fine pickle."
Nick:"This isn't a pickle."
Digo: "I know! I wish it were a pickle!"
Chris: "At least our lives aren't dill."

You'd just relish that, wouldn't you?

Spoiler: And now Starts the Bizarre Adventure

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Setting: Canterlot, aprox. 500 years before Nightmare's return.
Characters:
Joyous Jonagold; Earth Pony - Son of a well known merchant that deals in fruits. (JoJo)
Speed Wing; Pegasus - Childhood friend of Joyous, likes to goof around. (SW)
Wild Zap; Unicorn - Friend of the Jonagold family, royal scholar. (WZ)

Divine Brand (DB): "Fools, you think you can stop me? Everything you own WILL BE MINE!"
JoJo: "I don't see that happening you coward! There are three of us and one of you! Give up, you have no way to win!"
Dealer: The red glow of magic surrounds his horn, yanking the dark crystal shard free from the crown. It flies towards him, embedding itself in his chest. Tendrils of dark ichor spread from the impact site as Brand's pupils narrow to slits, resembling those of a reptile. Fangs lengthen into canines, and the end of his golden mane darken into black.
SW: "We really should have seen that coming."

WZ: "I think I may have a way of fighting him."
SW: "The power of love and friendship?"
WZ: "What? No! Don't be ridiculous."

JoJo: "Let me get this straight: the power Harmony can defeat him?"
WZ: "Yes."
JoJo: "And we can power this by breathing?"
WZ: "Yes."
JoJo: "And anypony can learn to use it?"
WZ: "Well, yes, but you do need training."
JoJo: "Then why the heck don't more ponies know about this?"
WZ: "Well, not many believe in the power. And to be fair, not many believe in things like Nightmare ponies either."
SW: "THERE WAS A NIGHTMARE IN HIS HOUSE TRYING TO KILL US!"

Jaded Ripper: "Oh, it has been long since I've had a chance to hone my skills."
SW: "EVIL PONY! SHARP KNIVES! EVIL PONY WITH SHARP KNIVES!"
JoJo: The carriage driver turns out to be evil...why am I not surprised?

[Gallade]

Root:"You know how in cartoons someone is really hungry and sees others as piles of steaks and sausages? That's how I see dragons."
Geralt: "That's how I see everything."

"I for one welcome our new lawful neutral scarred necromantic omnisexual bird-morphing skald overlord"

"The cultists drop what they are doing staring at the ones who just knocked down their door."
"Chirp."
(One Intimidate check later)
"Everyone is running in a sheer panic from Trund the...sigh...songbird."

"You charge, I ride you and shoot."
"What?"
"It makes the bullets go faster."
"Where did you ever hear that?"
"That Futurama episode where Bender meets God. Now go git!"

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

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^^ those made me chuckle. i've always been partial to "i'll kick your butt so hard, you'll taste leather for a week". a friend prefers "you got your ass kicked so hard you tasted [the current country's president]'s electoral speech".

Hee hee. I'll have to remember the leather one next time I get into a fight with a 5th level bureaucrat.Yeah, it's a thing in our campaign.

josé: no, you're grim's emergency lunch. haven't you ever watched monty python's holy grail?

"And there was much rejoicing."

so... Our plan is to have a loli and her danger noodle to infiltrate a brothel in an antic casket full of adult entertainment?

Had to read this like four times to get it. Wow that's complex.

You'd just relish that, wouldn't you?

Why yes I would.

WZ: "Well, not many believe in the power. And to be fair, not many believe in things like Nightmare ponies either."
SW: "THERE WAS A NIGHTMARE IN HIS HOUSE TRYING TO KILL US!"

He must not get many visitors. ^^;

"Everyone is running in a sheer panic from Trund the...sigh...songbird."

When your Intimidate check vastly outperforms your idea. XD

GM: “And after he develops a sense of humor, we just need to find the right femme-fatale in order for the shipping to begin.”
Sniper: “But why would you want to ship femme fatales when it’s so much simpler to fly coach?”
GM: “Waifu-nomics.”
Rose: “Is it wrong that the term ‘flying coach’ brought to mind Rose?”
Chrysalis: “Does somepony have poor self-esteem?”
Rose: “Dude, it's in my background.”
Sniper: “I guess her issues run deep enough that you subconsciously reject the idea of her being first class?”
Rose: “Well, Rose subconsciously rejects the idea of her being first class because of her self-esteem issues. I the player adore her and totally think she's a pretty pony and capable of at least Business Class.”
Love: “Psh, Business Class? We're the EDF. We should be flying the plane.”

Sniper: “Also does this mean we no longer have to worry about Chrysalis coming on to Sniper? Please say yes.”
GM: “You went from being Chrysalis' favorite pony to the object of 45% of her ire in the space of a minute. No, you don't have to worry about it.”
Sniper: “Wow. I'll have to work on that. I don't want to be considered an underachiever.”

Brazen: “Forget not the Brazen chin!”
Sniper: “Could anyone? By the time we're done, the world will consider it a national landmark.”

GM: “But yeah, they've fired on Brazen now. I assume these fools are going to die.”
Brazen: “In a word: ‘yes’.”
Brazen: “In two words: ‘Ooooooooh yeeeeeeessss’.”

Sniper: “You do have the option of surrendering peacefully, although we dearly hope you don't.”

[Gallade]

Root:"So the book sucked out your thoughts, big deal. Nothing a little surgery won't fix."
Lucian:"I'm scared."
Geralt: "Are you going to lobotomize him?"
Root: "I'm going to rebalance his humors or some alchemical babble like that."
(One hour of surgery later)
Root: "There, all fixed up."
Lucian: "Why do I suddenly smell purple?"
Root: "Suuuu-ccess!"

Lucian: "Wonder what Geralt is doing back in town"
Root: "He's probably working up the local population to get information"
[He's entering a drinking contest]
Lucian: "He's good at investigating. He can see more than any of us can"
[Geralt: "Crap, I'm seeing double!"]
Root: "And he's pretty tough. He has real guts."
[Geralt: "I'm going to puke my guts out, damnit!"]
Lucian: "And he's determined. He never gives up."
[Geralt: "Enough! I give up!"]
Root: "Let's hope he doesn't get carried away"
[He's being dragged out of the tavern]
Lucian: "Whatever information he is looking for, he will surely get it out."
[He's puking in an alley]
Root: "Let's hope he doesn't let all that go to his head."
Geralt: "HOLY (profanity) MY HEAD!"
......
Geralt: "That wasn't comedic timing, I'm back."

Root:"Just great, soul eaters. Just what we needed after the bloodsuckers, mind devourers and the bone crunchers. What's next, bile absorbers? Sweat lickers? Lymph sponges? Cerebrospinal fluid gulpers?"