Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[NRSASD]

Pinkie: “But so many things are better when they're a surprise! Like adoption! Wait, that's just foalnapping.”

Hahahaha! Thank you for making me burst out laughing and worry my colleagues

[Gallade]

"New plan: we take over Baldur's Gate. We just need to grab the Scepter of Wind, round up a crowd, and use our mythic power to make everyone dance to Cuban Pete"

"Sorry for not keeping in touch, but Imperial Age Rome has crappy reception."

[Beacon of Chaos]

Brazen: “Though I am half curious whether a dragon can survive reentry.”

Conicidently, from our last session I can confirm that they can.

The rider, however, was recommended to not be on the dragon at the time.

Pinkie: “But so many things are better when they're a surprise! Like adoption! Wait, that's just foalnapping.”

This version of Pinkie worries me.

---

Sinclair: *makes finger gun* We're hijacking this universe! Take us to our destination!

GM: We need you to save Canterlot- I mean Camelot!
Lucis: Stop mispronouncing the name of my home!
Sinclair: Ponies on the shirt, ponies on the brain.

Lucis: Eventually you find Lucis wearing a bucket on his head and trying to attack a flying furby.

GM: Some of the trees in the forest are creating holographic displays for the inhabitants-
Lucis: Ah, Tree.V.

[Gallade]

Yamra:"Let me pull the lever? Can I? Can I?"
Ricwart:"Trund, put a gag on her"
Trund:"But I already did last ni---eerrrrr, I mean, come on, I wouldn't do that."

"I CAN PUNCH SPELLS OUT OF YOU"

Root:"We need to build a wall, and it has to be built quickly. And I don't mind havin a big beautiful door in that wall so monsters can come fight us fairly in melee. In other words, I'm casting Expeditious Construction."

[DigoDragon]

Hahahaha! Thank you for making me burst out laughing and worry my colleagues

This version of Pinkie worries me.

Yeah... and now we found a scarier clone of Pinkie.


Rose: “My objective is to bring you back to undo... whatever it was Chrysalis did to make you fashion compliant after Labor Day.”

Rose: “Maybe we should just take her now, you know? Diamond dog pile on her and bring her unconscious body back for Pinkie to annoy the Chryssi magic out of her. Like an exorcism, but with muffins and confetti.”

Sniper: “When this mission was over, Sniper was going to give Rose a stern talking to about starting attention to herself on the battlefield.”
Rose: “Rose's career is gonna taste like demerits. And potatoes.”

GM: “No, she isn't. And I hope you aren't going to knife her on camera, as it were.”
Rose: “I'm sure Love can edit that out in Post.”
Love: “At this rate Love should just delete the recordings and pretend they never existed.”
GM: “And you all seem to forget that Celestia is watching right now.”
Rose: “I can't wait to see how the Cmdr. Wildcat commentary bonus track for the Blu-ray version of this scene plays out.”

Rarity: “I am in no mood to give fashion advice to some trigger-happy, whining mare. There are enough of those in the video-game industry.”
Love: “You're look isn't even original! You stole that style from the princesses. And, I do have to say, they pull it off much better.”
Sniper: “If it were possible for Sniper Scope to mentally face-hoof any harder he would spontaneously develop telekinesis.”

Rarity: “Pfft, you cannot dodge the fabulosity, it is enormous.”

Sniper: “To be fair, this was the first time ruthless pessimism failed me.”

Rose: “We are not a SWAT team, or the military equivalent to Seal Team Six. We're the Nuclear Option. We're what gets sent in when the Elements of Harmony FAIL. We are the last line of defense. The Hail Mary play when Equestria's trailing the fourth quarter by 3 points and on her own 20-yard line.”

[Gallade]

DM:"You are about to level up. How are you going to train for these 3 days?"
Corgrym, Cleric of Irori:"I FLEX for my god!"
Guldan, Sorceror:"I meditate and study some new spells."
Longstride, Ranger:"I go back to the woods with my wolf. Perhaps apologize to that nymph about what Guldan did."
Guldan:"Hey, she didn't like me because I was stained with blood, how was I supposed to know washing in her pool was going to make her even more mad?"
Cù, Cavalier:"I spar with Cole, with frying pans."

Cù:"I think my knightyness has gone up a notch or two. Not being covered in guts all day long for once surely helps with that."

[Esprit15]

DM: "Yeah, he felt like he'd get in trouble if he ignored the aasimar with the titties."

***

Sorcerer: "If you observe the cigar, you'll note that the tobacco doesn't burn because it is harvested from the fire plane of elementalism."

***

Sorcerer: "If you work with us and don't reanimate the dead without permission, I'll teach you the secret of making friends."

[DigoDragon]

DM: "Yeah, he felt like he'd get in trouble if he ignored the aasimar with the titties."

The way that's worded, sounds like trouble happens either way.


Jennifer: "I was hoping the dead king was on his own instead of with the drow."
Thurg: "And why is the king with the drow?"
Allura: "Because the drow have no life either?"

GM: "You didn't see any kind of magical ritual happen from that, so if he was cursing you, then it was strictly in the vernacular."

Thurg: "What does it matter if we kill the king? He's already dead!"

Jennifer: "Hey Cardinal, how hangs the holy hammer?"

Jennifer: "I have a dead king in a coffin, of course it's a matter of grave importance!"

Scar the Wolf: "Faster! Faster! You fool! You fool!"

GM: "You can see clerics of St. Cuthbert tending to some wounded and interviewing witnesses."
Thurg: "So this is CSI-yi-yi."

Cardinal: (drunk) "We are gathered here today, to witness the union of... dead guy?"
Allura: "Psst, wrong chapter."
Cardinal: (flips to page 120) "We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of this man..."

[TurboGhast]

Varis: Okay, time to finally accomplish my original goal: Learning Fly.
DM: You can't find any magic shops that don't look shady.
Varis (Thinking): Here we go again...

[DigoDragon]

Varis: Okay, time to finally accomplish my original goal: Learning Fly.
DM: You can't find any magic shops that don't look shady.
Varis (Thinking): Here we go again...

This is word-for-word how D&D plays out in my local group whenever we try to buy a straight up pedestrian magic item like a +1 magic weapon.

But the GM gave me a suit of +0 magical studded leather armor that let's me have the Spring Attack feat when I use a longbow as a minor loot item because my AC was so low for my level.

Don't try to think too hard about that one.

[Gallade]

Root:"I'm STILL a kind-hearted and merciful doctor. It's just the whole "do no harm" thing is stretched pretty far when it regards blokes who kill you by looking at you funny and actively sap the world's life force to feed an even more dangerous parasite."
Lucian:"Hence the explosives?"
Root:"It's sanitizing on a bigger scale."

[Joe the Rat]

Spoiler: Sidebar

Show

This is word-for-word how D&D plays out in my local group whenever we try to buy a straight up pedestrian magic item like a +1 magic weapon.

But the GM gave me a suit of +0 magical studded leather armor that let's me have the Spring Attack feat when I use a longbow as a minor loot item because my AC was so low for my level.

Don't try to think too hard about that one.

Step out from full cover, shoot, retreat to cover. Makes perfect sense. This is also why I like 5th edition.

Escape from White Plume Mountain, in one Sentence:

"The Efreet rolls on the floor howling with laughter, the gnome thoroughly wedged in the crack of his butt."

[DigoDragon]

Escape from White Plume Mountain, in one Sentence:
"The Efreet rolls on the floor howling with laughter, the gnome thoroughly wedged in the crack of his butt."

...I don't even.


Brazen: “Brazen will happily spend a fatigue point to hop on Rarity.”
Rose: *plays Chariots of Fire*
GM: “Don't get too eager there...”

Love: “Take that Rarity! I hope you like eating station deck!”

GM: “Curse you for making me do physics equations. I'm an English major, dammit!”

Love: “Wait, the entire team is gathered in one area? I'mma gonna pop my sleeper now. It's the perfect time! Rarity surely can't block gas.”

GM: “THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS DIFFICULT! She's a FASHION DESIGNER, for crying out loud! THIS PONY MAKES DRESSES, EVERYONE!”

Love: “I think this is our longest fight yet? It's intense. Remind me to try to play cheap and end them quicker.”
Rose: “See? See? I told you that was what we were made for! Nuclear option!”
GM: “If anyone had for a moment pointed a gun at one of the three incapacitated mares and told Rarity 'stop or I'll shoot', she would instantly have surrendered.”
Love: “Is our GM encouraging us to take hostages? What a strange situation. Are we the baddies?”
Rose: “Nuclear. Option.”

Chrysalis: “Rose, Rose, Rose. You're not looking so good, are you? I've got plenty more EMP grenades. Would you like to sample another one? Or maybe my children should target your other legs. You can hobble well enough with three, but I'd love to see you try on two.”
Rose: “Pyrric victory, Chrysalis. Rarity is secured and medical science will help Nickel walk again. You're losing ground faster than I'm losing limbs.”
Chrysalis: “I could say the same to you. For all your progress, you still aren't any closer to stopping me. Because the station was never my goal. Because you see. You're. Too. Slow.” (*nose boops Rose*)

[Gallade]

"Well that didn't work. I thought that would cheer [the soul-sucking crazy book] up a bit. On the bright side, now we know cats have souls and can go to heaven. Well, except this one."

[Joe the Rat]

...I don't even.

Spoiler: It makes just as much sense in context

Show

The result of the fortuitous convergence of small creatures being able to move through the space of large creatures, an ill-timed Tasha's Hideous Laughter, and the determination that Efreeti wear their kilts like a True Scotsman.

Bonus Track:
NecroGnome: Why do I keep looking up?!

[TheTeaMustFlow]

GM: No, I don't know what the evil ones represent... maybe ovarian cancer, I don't know?

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

"Well that didn't work. I thought that would cheer [the soul-sucking crazy book] up a bit. On the bright side, now we know cats have souls and can go to heaven. Well, except this one."

Yikes. What a way to figure that out.

NecroGnome: Why do I keep looking up?!

Maybe blind-fold yourself?

GM: No, I don't know what the evil ones represent... maybe ovarian cancer, I don't know?

I don't know either.

Love: “Wait! Before you skip out of here. Have you ever dealt with a dragon? We have a dragon problem in our shaft.”
Pinkie: “Oh yeah! Lots of times. It was easier when Ember was dragon-lord, buuuut Fluttershy's Stare can cow even the fiercest dragon! So look the dragon in the eye. And then throw a pie in it! Or a cupcake, if you want him to make you a promise. Or you could always hit him really hard until he gives up and then have a party afterwards to celebrate!”
Sniper: “Cupcakes, pies... Yup. They were doomed.”

Rose: “I mean, why drop our guard down now, eh?”
GM: “No, no. Go ahead. Drop it. See what happens. There's still an invisible dragon out there, somewhere.”

Love: “She takes a seat next to him and starts opening up his suit to her efforts. She just needs to plug into his port and she's good to go!”
Brazen: >.>
Rose: *smuglook.jpg*
Love: “Is that not how you would have described it?”

Brazen: “On an unrelated note had an amusing idea. Maybe I should swap out my underslung grenade launcher for an underbarrel shotgun.
GM: “Underbarrel shotgun? So a shotgun under your shotgun? Will it shoot shotguns that explode into shotguns too?”
Rose: “Yo dawg, heard you like shotguns. So we slung a shotgun under your shotgun, so you can shotgun while riding shotgun.”

Rose: “Hmm, it’s not every RP where I get to make a check to hide the bodies.”

[Aka-chan]

"FIRE THE RHINO CANNON!"


Player (IC): "Hold on a minute, guys. I'm gonna go be subtle."
Same player (OOC): "I walk over and yank off his hat."

[Beacon of Chaos]

Took a break from the sci-fi campaign to run a one-shot D&D session for my group.

GM: The wool festival is especially popular. Sheep-shearing contests, knitting lessons, it's fun for the whole family! For a certain definition of fun.

Lechter: Oh, good! I have Speak With Animals! I can break the game already!

Najira: Can I make a nature roll to know if the wolves are acting strangely?
GM: Sure.
Najira: *crit fail*
GM: You know that wolves are scary when they're charging at you.

Najira: I'm already in his room, drawing arcane sigils on the floor and preparing a ritual. Is he awake?
GM: He is now. He's sitting on the bed and pushing against the wall like he's trying to phase through it.

Twink: Don't worry, we're just trying to find out if you've been possessed by evil spirits!
Najira: Tell him I need some of his blood!
GM: Featherrock is now actively attempting to claw his way through the wall.

Twink: Oh, how come she gets to loot the place and I don't!?
Merrickson: Those healing potions will help you on your mission. How is my brother's silverware going to do that?
Twink: You never know.

Party: *bickering and insults*
Merrickson: I'm so glad I picked such a well-oiled machine as this party to help us in our time of need.
Party: *continued bickering and insults*

Mary: He kicked the chicken! I can't believe it.

Twink: Wait, are they wearing high-vis jackets?
GM: Yes. One of them has "Highway Maintenance Wolf" written on it.

Najira: I'm at -1 HP.
GM: Well you did walk directly into melee combat as the squishy party wizard.
Najira: I expected my team to help me!
GM: ...A well-oiled machine.

Edit:
Lechter: Holy ****, a talking wolf!
GM: You were talking to a wolf earlier!
Lechter: Yeah, but that usually requires magic or drugs to do.

[Gallade]

Cù"We're teleporting out. Everyone hold hands and the first one use the scroll!"
DM:"[The Ranger's wolf] and [Cù's horse] look at you funny."
Cù:"Right. Everyone make a mosh pit and the one who can breathe better use the scroll."

[DigoDragon]

Rose: “Heyyyyy... could we use those gems to bribe the dragon?”
GM: “Possibly? But do remember, those diamonds are Rarity's personal weapon and she might be a little ticked if you give them to a dragon. Possibly ticked enough to go and strangle said dragon.”
Rose: “And the downside to that is…?”

Rose: “If muffins are the first suggestion Rose makes, then you know she's not a changeling.”
GM: “So in other words, if a changeling wanted to replace Rose, all she'd have to do is talk about food 24/7.”
Sniper: "Rose, can you cover our back?"
Rose: "Muffins muffins muffins."
Brazen: "I got a down guard here, need a medic."
Rose: "Jelly jam chocolate cupcakes!"

GM: “I just realized something. If the team somehow ended up on the mare's side of the Wonderbolts training center during shower time, everypony but Sniper would be happy.”
Rose: “We can bring a rifle to keep Sniper happy.”
Seafire: B-Brazen? (*cue reddened cheeks*)
Brazen: (*pindrop*) “I swear I have no idea how I got here.”
Rose: "You only walked into the training camp with us."
Brazen: "Shut up, Rose."
Rose: "After driving us over here in your car."
Brazen: "Shut UP, Rose."

[Gallade]

"Pity you slipped up at the end, we were THIS close to convincing him we are actually from the baker's guild and just destroyed his guards with baguettes"

[Guizonde]

"dude, your game has about as much plot as your average porn flick."
"so? do you watch porn for the plot or the action?"
"i thought you said you wanted to dm an intrigue heavy game!"

-friend of mine recounting his rogue trader campaign.

[Necroticplague]

"Don't worry, this family tree isn't complicated due to time travel or any similar BS. This family tree is hilariously complicated through much more traditional methods. With that out of the way, I'd like you all to meet my daughter/half sister/niece, Princess Magdeline the 14th."

[DigoDragon]

Johnny Nuyen: "It's a Mercury Comet Thunderbolt Charger GTX. I built it myself, one piece at a time. Over five years."

GM: "What is the... the term for a squid dish?"
Karashi: "I heard you say squib."
Johnny: "Has Voldemort been serving up mundanes like baked potatoes again?"

Quieteyes: "Us? Do something stupid? Nah..."

Johnny: "The club plays both kinds of music. Country and Western."

Mr. Johnson: "Like they say, even a broken clock is right twice a day."
Karashi: "Unless you're using military time."
Mr. Johnson: "Well, maybe then--"
Karashi: "Or it's digital and the screen is blank."
Mr. Johnson: "I'm... not used to an ork that can think."

Johnny: "My car is something awesome to behold."
Karashi: "Not the word I'd use to describe it."
Johnny: "There's nothing wrong with her."
Quieteyes: "I take it the car is really bad?"
Karashi: "When he said it took him five years to build it, he wasn't using the same model year for the parts."

Jackie: "Well, I don't know who I am."
Johnny: "Do any of us really?"
Jackie: "No, I mean I can't remember anything at all."
Karashi: "I think we picked up a weirdo..."

Karashi: "Wow, I gotta see what your bathroom looks like."
GM: "Upstairs or downstairs?"
Karashi: "THERE'S AN UPSTAIRS?!" :D

Quieteyes: "Okay. So... she's an owl."

Security Drone: "Prepare to bend over. You have 15 seconds to comply."

Jackie: "One success, no zeroes."
Karashi: "Zeroes? On d6s? What are you rolling for dice, and can I use them?"

Quieteyes: "Why didn't you just tell us you had amnesia?"
Jackie: "I forgot."

Karashi: "Hi, I'm going to search your body now for loot. It's not illegal if I'm a woman and you're dead, right?"
Johnny: "Are you expecting an answer?"
Karashi: "Are you?"

GM: "The valet looks at the shot up car and pauses. Then, he slowly holds out his hand for the keys."
Karashi: "Careful with it, We just had it detailed."

[Dimers]

Johnny: "The club plays both kinds of music. Country and Western."

Johnny: "My car is something awesome to behold."
Karashi: "Not the word I'd use to describe it."
Johnny: "There's nothing wrong with her."
Quieteyes: "I take it the car is really bad?"
Karashi: "When he said it took him five years to build it, he wasn't using the same model year for the parts."

I presume that Johnny's player has, at least once, subjected everyone to the song "There Ain't Nothin' Wrong With The Radio"?

[Rysto]

"Don't worry, this family tree isn't complicated due to time travel or any similar BS. This family tree is hilariously complicated through much more traditional methods. With that out of the way, I'd like you all to meet my daughter/half sister/niece, Princess Magdeline the 14th."

This is impossible, right? In order for Magdeline to be simultaneously somebody's daughter and half-sister, one of her parents would have to also be the other parent's parent. For her to be the speaker's niece, Magdeline would have to be the daughter of the speaker's aunt or uncle. You can't be your own uncle and your parent can't be your uncle, so I don't see how this works, unless we're talking a niece by adoption rather than by blood...

[Dimers]

Okay, say you're male. Your father boinked one of his previous female children and made you, so your mother is also your sister. Then if you and that sister make Maggie together, Maggie is obviously your daughter ... and she's your niece by virtue of being your sister's child ... and she's your half-sister because one of her parents is one of your parents.

If you're female, flip everyone's sex (except Maggie's).

Hey, you asked.

[Necroticplague]

Okay, say you're male. Your father boinked one of his previous female children and made you, so your mother is also your half sister. Then if you and that sister make Maggie together, Maggie is obviously your daughter ... and she's your niece by virtue of being your sister's child ... and she's your half-sister because one of her parents is one of your parents.

If you're female, flip everyone's sex (except Maggie's).

Hey, you asked.

Except the male portions are females who had alter self (the royal bloodline was sorcerous), nail has been hit on head.

[D20ragon]

Completely Rational Doctor: I knew your small minds wouldn’t be ready for this forward thinking dog science.

Huntsman: I'm going to distract this guy with a bullet.


***

GM: He says his books are going away.

Huntsman: You mean being stolen?

GM: You've offended him horribly.