LGBTAI+ Questions and Discussion thread IV 2b or not 2b?

[Lycunadari]

What is it though, that causes you to identify some of the feelings as male and female though, as opposed to others as feelings for which you don't have words? I mean is it purely due to the societal constructs for what a man and woman should be? I apologize if this is sounding obtuse or anything it's just not something I can grasp. My biology and genetics show that I am male. I've identified as such because I've neither felt nor seen any reason not to. I don't feel that maleness though in any non-physical way. I really can't fathom when (or where or how) I'd "feel" gender, which is why I'm asking the questions.

Fair point. In regards to happiness and sadness it is purely related to how those words have been defined by society. I agree without that common nomenclature there'd be no good way to describe the feeling. I can see in the dysphoric case where someone feels their body doesn't match their gender, it follows that the "feeling" that would be described would that of the opposite sex. In the case of someone who is more genderfluid, I guess the question is why label the feelings as maleness or femaleness? Is it based on current society gender perception in some way?

Yeah, it is linked to how society perceives me, or rather how I wish society would perceive me. While I do get body dysphoria (the "my body is wrong" kind of of dysphoria), I have much more social dysphoria (the "I hate that people see me/treat me as [wrong gender]" kind of dysphoria). So when I feel male, I wish people would see me as a man, when I'm female I want to be seen as a woman and when I'm something else, I want to be seen as that something else (or at least neither male nor female). Though that's sort of a roundabout way of looking at my gender feelings - I don't think "Today I want to be seen as male, guess I'm a man today!". Usually it's more likely that I think "I'm a man today!" and then become profoundly uncomfortable when I'm around people who see me as a woman.

[Scorpion_Strike]

What is it though, that causes you to identify some of your emotions as happiness and sadness, as opposed to others as other feelings?

I think that ties into what we believe people fundamentally to be, which is probably going to vary a lot from one person to the next. Personally, I don't believe that there's anything to a person beyond the physical, no soul or spirit in substance. I believe that we are born with nothing except our bodies and the senses that come with it, the capability to process those senses, and a reward mechanism that provides a biological incentive for behavior that is conductive to the survival of the species. One thing essential to the survival of humans is to be part of a group as we're individually quite weak (physically speaking), and as such maintaining regular contact with other people is biologically incentivised. Remaining together as a group is easier if the members of the group respond to a situation collectively encountered in similar ways; if one member responds differently, this does not usually elicit a positive response from the rest of the group. Members that consistently respond differently eventually find themselves distant from the group and are left with three options: 1) to conform to the group personality, 2) to seek out a different group whose personality more closely aligns with their own, or 3) to remain alone in their difference. Option 3 doesn't usually work out well, as it eventually leads to what we call loneliness, which I believe is pretty universally recognized as a detrimental feeling.

The way to gauge others' responses to our actions is through our senses, and I believe that it is by learning from how our senses tell us others respond to our actions, the incentive system, that we become the people that we are, and that none of that is inherent. We only call our feelings happiness, sadness, or otherwise because that's what we're told they're called, while physically they're nothing but an alteration in the soup of chemicals that the brain floats around in, an alteration that comes about through this biological incentive system. We mimic the behavior of others to gain their approval (especially as children), which they are generally incentivised to respond positively to because similar behavior strengthens the bonds within the group and hence its chances of survival. Basically, I believe that we're programmed to pursue happiness, as happiness is the feeling that is tied to successfully taking part in whatever activities available that are conductive to the survival of the species. Happiness results when we receive positive feedback from our environment, which takes forms like being valued or loved; being part of a group that responds similarly to stimuli as we do promotes happiness in this feedback loop.

Finally getting around to the question, though: identifying feelings like happiness, sadness, and anger is part of a universal group dynamic: language. Whether we know what happiness is called or not, we're programmed to pursue it and calling it and many other feelings by their commonly understood names elicits positive feedback from others that promotes happiness. Part of what makes this so universal is that pretty much everyone is capable of experiencing these feelings, with some slight tendencies in different directions built in due to physical differences which promote a stronger response to particular kinds of positive feedback on a very base level. Physical differences that could affect the incentive system include a person's sex, as bodies of different sexes maintain different concentrations of certain hormones which, being chemicals, can also affect feelings and the experience of them. I believe that this is where the 'traditional' gender stereotypes and roles originated from; promoting nurturing of offspring and the feelings that come with it in females, defense of the females and offspring and the feelings that come with that in males, and the production of offspring and associated feelings in both is useful for the survival of the species. Of course rigidly sticking to those roles is unnecessary and repressive today. Other things that can affect the incentive system in more extreme, often destructive ways are mental disorders like bipolar disorder or depression. Regardless of physical differences, though, the feelings described above are universal to everyone in some way, shape or form. More importantly, because the incentive system works through our senses, we also come with basic facial expressions programmed in that reflect these feelings in a way that others can interpret through their senses. In particular, a smile means the same thing everywhere: positive feedback, a sign that a person is experiencing happiness and one that promotes it in others. Of course, accumulated experience due to exposure to culture means that everyone eventually ends up building a much more advanced library of body language to express a multitude of nuanced experiences, but the smile seems biologically universal.

I should point out that I don't mean to state any of the above as irrefutable fact, only as my personal interpretation of my experience as might be pertinent to the discussion at hand. Parts of it may or may not be backed up by scientific evidence, but I'm not sure and I would not present it as fact unless I could present evidence alongside it to back it up. Tying it into my original question and some of the responses, though: the answers I got for my question seem to mostly boil down to "my gender is something that I just know and/or feel." Now, I do not want to invalidate others' feelings or experiences, but it was also pointed out by one person above that the psychological experience of gender isn't universally experienced. This makes sense to me; none of the typical expressions of gender that I have ever encountered appeared to me as fundamental in the way that expressions of universal feelings are. They always seemed as merely conditioned responses, something that has also been expressed above. However, if the psychological experience of some kind of gender is neither universal nor supported by universal expressions... can it be anything except just an interaction of multiple universal expressions that people only adopt because it is a common response to stimuli of those in their group (or a group that they're seeking to join)? Basically, the only conclusion regarding gender that my interpretation of the nature of the human being has led me to so far is that gender can be nothing but an artificial construct, and that any psychological experience of it is merely a response to said construct.

The upshot of all of this unqualified psychological rambling is that the 'it's just something I feel' answer is rather difficult for me to square. To me it comes off as: "this is a societal interpretation of a collection of feelings that I happen to have internalized to a particularly strong degree," and if that sounds like a dismissive interpretation, that's because...well, it is. Again, I'm not looking to invalidate gender or people's experience of it entirely; even a complex, artificial experience shared by only part of the population is still meaningful exactly because it is shared by multiple people. I just feel like there's something I missed or misunderstood along the way, but can't seem to pinpoint what it is. Or maybe it is just that my particular interpretation of human nature only really allows for a dismissive definition of things like body dysphoria that, taken to its end, basically arrives at "get over it and work with what you have..." which isn't an empathetic message, nor one that I want to send to people legitimately struggling with the issue. So I mostly just end up being really conflicted about it instead, unable to rationalize being empathetic to people about an issue in which empathy's definitely needed if toes are not to be stepped on.

As a consequence, I mostly just try to ignore gender in daily life as much as possible, which to me seems the best way to treat people fairly (I similarly try to ignore the effect a host of other identities that I don't really understand, mostly by trying to judge people purely on their actions). At the same time, though, I worry that at some point I'm gonna end up saying something offensive or using a gendered pronoun incorrectly and end up running face-first into a "did you just assume my gender?" scenario, which would leave me feeling really stupid for not being able to tell and avoid an issue for which I have no solution. Yeah, maybe it's a rather irrational fear to have, but still, outside of message boards like these where people can just post "use {insert pronoun here}" in banners or whatnot, I don't really get how people expect someone else to just read their psychological gender to address and deal with them correctly if it isn't easy to read on the surface. In fact, I don't even know whether people in the LGBTAI+ community expect that or not, or whether that's just a warped view of the community that I have internalized because I really haven't had any meaningful contact with it before. For that manner, beyond pronoun usage I'm really not sure what constitutes inappropriate treatment either... can someone put forth some examples to clear that up? How do members of the LGBTAI+ community want to be treated, or at least what is specifically to be avoided?

Also, looking at how long and meandering this post became, I'm coming to appreciate more and more that I should practice making a point in a more concise manner.

[The_Snark]

Now, I do not want to invalidate others' feelings or experiences, but it was also pointed out by one person above that the psychological experience of gender isn't universally experienced. This makes sense to me; none of the typical expressions of gender that I have ever encountered appeared to me as fundamental in the way that expressions of universal feelings are. They always seemed as merely conditioned responses, something that has also been expressed above. However, if the psychological experience of some kind of gender is neither universal nor supported by universal expressions... can it be anything except just an interaction of multiple universal expressions that people only adopt because it is a common response to stimuli of those in their group (or a group that they're seeking to join)?

I think it can, yes. Fundamental doesn't have to mean universal. The obvious example in the context of this thread is sexuality/romantic preference, especially asexuality/aromanticism - there are people who just don't experience romantic love or sexual desire, which most people consider fairly basic - but it's not the only example. People who are strongly introverted get consistently different results out of social interaction than people who are strongly extroverted. People on the autism spectrum will have different reactions to certain kinds of stimuli. And so on. Brains (and endocrine systems and all the other biological bits that the mind runs on) vary a lot from person to person, and we're nowhere near a complete understanding how they work, so I don't think it's an extraordinary claim to suggest one more spectrum along which they can differ.

[Ifni]

Yeah, it is linked to how society perceives me, or rather how I wish society would perceive me. While I do get body dysphoria (the "my body is wrong" kind of of dysphoria), I have much more social dysphoria (the "I hate that people see me/treat me as [wrong gender]" kind of dysphoria). So when I feel male, I wish people would see me as a man, when I'm female I want to be seen as a woman and when I'm something else, I want to be seen as that something else (or at least neither male nor female). Though that's sort of a roundabout way of looking at my gender feelings - I don't think "Today I want to be seen as male, guess I'm a man today!". Usually it's more likely that I think "I'm a man today!" and then become profoundly uncomfortable when I'm around people who see me as a woman.

That seems like an answer to the question of "how do you tell that a particular sense of gender lines up with 'male'," though - if people treating you as a man makes you feel happy and validated while you're experiencing a certain gender-feeling, then it's natural to associate that particular gender-sense with "man". (I'm mostly just talking about labeling here - how you assign labels to your genders.) Does that sound right, or do I have things back-to-front?

Is it correct to say that the genders for which you don't have words correspond to gender-feelings that don't align with "woman" or "man" or any combination of the two? So being treated as either a woman or man would give you a sense of discomfort? If you experience multiple such non-binary genders, are they noticeably distinct from each other, and if so is there a way to describe how they're distinct? e.g. do certain behaviors, either from you or from others, feel more natural depending on which gender you're experiencing, in the same way that people calling you a man feels better when you're experiencing the male gender?

Sorry for the rapid-fire questions, but as another cis-by-default person, I'm really curious about this; I'd appreciate any answers you're willing to give.

I take the point that describing emotions is hard, but with happiness/sadness etc, I can talk about the kinds of events that usually cause them, and the desires associated with them (e.g. sadness is usually associated with a wish that things would be different, happiness with an outcome that is satisfactory in some way). Whereas for gender all I've really got for associations, once we set aside gender roles, stereotypes and physical dysphoria, is that it makes you want to be identified as a member of a particular social category, and I'm curious if there are other ways to describe it.

@Eldest: that definition of gender expression is a bit confusing to me. Why is wearing jeans an expression of my gender, and not just an expression of my liking for jeans? Where does gender end and just individual personality begin? I can see saying it's an expression of gender if you're using it to communicate with people about your gender, but that communication seems to require that people have a common dictionary for translating clothing into gender, and that seems to get us back to gender stereotypes. If we assume no such common dictionary, and a total decoupling of clothing from its historical associations, I don't see why wearing a particular kind of clothing would be expressive of gender at all (as opposed to being expressive of individual preferences).

[Shamash]

A question for transgender people: if there were a pill that makes your dysphoria disappear by making your mind identify with your biological sex (the one you were born with), would you take it? Why?

That's a silly question; it's like asking someone "Hey you know how you feel sad sometimes? Well I can solve that by turning you in a completely different person".

I'm sure some people would be ok with that but that just shows how unhappy and conflicted they are.

I can't say about gender since I'm CIS but if there was a pill that would cure me of my homosexuality(And my parents didn't force me) I wouldn't take it.

Sure only liking girls would be easier, but liking hunky and muscular guys is such a big and intrinsic part of my personality that if it got cured it would change my personality completely to the point of it not really being me anymore.

[Ifni]

That's a silly question

I don't think it's a silly question, and this is a thread for questions anyway. I think what the question is trying to get at is "would an instant, total, permanent end to dysphoria, without having to worry about transphobia or social issues associated with transitioning, be enough to make it worthwhile for you to change your gender?" If someone's primary reason for transitioning is horrible physical dysphoria and they don't actually have much sense of internal gender, which is true for at least some trans people, they might say yes to that. That all the trans folk here are saying HELL NO primarily just illustrates that their genders are important parts of their identity, I think - which may be super obvious but is probably worth reiterating, since we're simultaneously having a discussion about what gender is and what an internal sense of gender feels like.

(Also, on "gender is a social construct": part of the issue here is that "gender" is a word that's been adopted by multiple groups to mean multiple different things. "Gender" as a synonym for "gender identity" may be most common among the trans community, but it is really, really not universal. And if one person means "gender identity" and the other means "gender roles" when they say "gender", it's super easy for people to talk past each other.)

[Lissou]

I think I have a related experience I would like to share. I have had bad nightmares pretty much my entire life, and I remember one or two of them every day. This used to make it very difficult to function. I would wake up feeling pretty terrible, I would be scared to go to sleep, I would sometimes be scared of people who didn't actually hurt me but did so often in my dreams, etc.
Recently I started taking my anxiety meds (which I've had for some time) right before bed.

I still have my nightmares, but the negative feelings associated with them are gone, included within the dreams themselves. It is very, very odd to dream of horrible things happening to you while you absolutely don't care about them, and while this is helping me function normally, I am still eager to find a solution that doesn't make me feel... inhuman or something. I want the nightmare gone, rather than for them to stop bothering me as much.

Similarly, I think your average trans person would want the disphoria gone, rather than for it to stop bothering them. And while you may think of the two things as the same, I don't think they are. I think the pill you talk about wouldn't let people forget their gender, they would just be aware that now it doesn't bother them. But that feeling itself might be quite creepy, and in an age when we have other available solutions, I think very few people would be interested in this one on a long-term basis.

[Gildedragon]

I think I have a related experience I would like to share. I have had bad nightmares pretty much my entire life, and I remember one or two of them every day. This used to make it very difficult to function. I would wake up feeling pretty terrible, I would be scared to go to sleep, I would sometimes be scared of people who didn't actually hurt me but did so often in my dreams, etc.
Recently I started taking my anxiety meds (which I've had for some time) right before bed.

I still have my nightmares, but the negative feelings associated with them are gone, included within the dreams themselves. It is very, very odd to dream of horrible things happening to you while you absolutely don't care about them, and while this is helping me function normally, I am still eager to find a solution that doesn't make me feel... inhuman or something. I want the nightmare gone, rather than for them to stop bothering me as much.

Similarly, I think your average trans person would want the disphoria gone, rather than for it to stop bothering them. And while you may think of the two things as the same, I don't think they are. I think the pill you talk about wouldn't let people forget their gender, they would just be aware that now it doesn't bother them. But that feeling itself might be quite creepy, and in an age when we have other available solutions, I think very few people would be interested in this one on a long-term basis.

I think I get what you mean: not having a bad response is good; but not having the bad circumstance (which in this case also includes the existence of transphobia) is the ideal state.
And that makes sense for a lot of things really.

Also sorry that your meds make you feel inhuman. Wish you the best. And for what it is worth, as a stranger on the net, I hope that things get better for ya.

[Coidzor]

A question for transgender people: if there were a pill that makes your dysphoria disappear by making your mind identify with your biological sex (the one you were born with), would you take it? Why?

There was a short story shared in the LGBTA thread, before questions and support were split into separate threads. Well, possibly before it was the LGBTA thread, Might have just been the LGBT or LGBT+ thread.

Anyway, there was a short story posted which dealt with that question.

[Oneris]

Am I alone in feeling the Black and Brown stripes in the new Intersectionality LGBTAI+ Rainbow Flag should have been vertical, to, you know, intersect all the other colors?

[Jormengand]

Am I alone in feeling the Black and Brown stripes in the new Intersectionality LGBTAI+ Rainbow Flag should have been vertical, to, you know, intersect all the other colors?

I also think that if they were going to be in the flag they should be in the right place in the spectrum, and that the one with the brown fist/black circle looks way better, but... ehh. It's not my flag, it can look how the people it represents want it to.

[Luz]

Would you guys date someone in the closet if you are out?

And the person is not going to get out of it anytime soon.

[Comrade]

So... basically a secret relationship that's unlikely to stop being secret for a long while? I don't think so. I guess it's possible, theoretically, supposing I really loved the person in question, there was reason to believe it wouldn't have to be secret any longer at some point, and I could be sure they weren't just jerking me around or something. The former is key; barring that exceptional circumstance, no, I would not. I wouldn't be content with that.

[Lissou]

I probably wouldn't. Actually, I know I wouldn't as far as polyamory goes, and I can imagine it would be even moreso for a monogamous same-sex relationship. I don't want to be someone's secret and have to hide my relationship because they're in the closet, and it would be worse if it were my only relationship. Nothing against the person, they probably have great reasons to be in the closet, but dating someone in the closet basically means getting pushed into the closet with them, and people who have gone through going out aren't very likely to want to do that.

[Coidzor]

Logistically, based on everything I've seen and read, I'd say that the only way there'd be a real chance of a healthy relationship coming out of that would be if there was a concrete date for coming out of the closet and no longer keeping the relationship secret, like graduation and the final tuition bill being paid for college, and even then it wouldn't be a great chance.

[The Extinguisher]

Would you guys date someone in the closet if you are out?

And the person is not going to get out of it anytime soon.

I probably would. There are some circumstances that make it easier than others, but ultimately every relationship has its struggles and I don't being in the closet makes it impossible.

[WarKitty]

Would you guys date someone in the closet if you are out?

And the person is not going to get out of it anytime soon.

On practical concern I would have - if you're out, and you start spending a lot of time with this other person, is someone else going to figure it out? There's a not-insignificant possibility of accidental outing here.

[Luz]

Oh well, I guess there is no hope for me.

[Dire Moose]

I have dated someone in that position. She was transgender, pre-everything, and was still considered male by society overall. It wasn't a huge deal to be honest; she didn't seem to care what people thought of her as long as her conservative roommate didn't find out about our relationship and her employers didn't find out about her identity before she was ready.

The only frustrating aspects to that were having to put up with people calling us "gentlemen" etc. and being told not to call them on it, and of course the fact that she wasn't getting to live as herself and that I couldn't help her there.

[WarKitty]

Are we talking about orientation, or gender identity here? I feel that might make a difference on certain practical issues.

[Luz]

Are we talking about orientation, or gender identity here? I feel that might make a difference on certain practical issues.

Orientation, so basically I'm a person with very low self-esteem and a lot of self-hate.

I'm ugly, annoying and boring but for some reason this guy started dating me, the only reason this happened is because he approached me, I think would never be able to approach a guy.

Anyway, he is perfect, perfect face, perfect body, mind and soul. I don't know what he sees in me, I still think he lost a bet or something.

We have been going out for basically two months now and I made my situation very clear:

Because of my family, friends and co-workers I can’t be out. That means:
-No PDA(Public displays of affection).
-No hugging in public.
-No kissing in public.
-No talking about gays in public.
-If there is talking about gay in public I'm going to say some homophobic things.
-No visiting my parents.
-No visiting my apartment.
-No staying until late on his.
-I'm not willing to take from behind.
-I'm not willing to take him from behind.
-No calling.
-No SMS.

Apart from that we have been having a lot of fun, he is from Israel but decided to move with his mother here, so I showed him all my favorite spots in the city, we went to the opera, museums, roof restaurants, observatories, botanic garden and many other cool places.

We had dinner at the best restaurant in town and It was very fun, but now I'm wondering if I should not end the relationship because I realized I’m demanding too much of him and not giving anything back in return.

And I’m also not in the position to give anything back in return anytime soon.

Am I being abusive?

He got really angry of how I'm pushing him back to the closet, how he hate not being able to hug me or kiss me in the way to the university because I'm paranoiac someone may end up seeing it, he hates how we have to keep our "love in secret".

That makes me sad, I dunno why I imagined this would work, a guy like him with a guy like me would never work, I don't deserve to be happy like this.

[The Extinguisher]

That makes me sad, I dunno why I imagined this would work, a guy like him with a guy like me would never work, I don't deserve to be happy like this.

Well that's not true at all.

There will always be relationships where everyone wants different things out of it and that makes people incompatible, but that doesn't mean it's your fault for it, or theirs. Some relationships just don't work out. You've got legitimate reasons to want to stay in the closet and anyone that you date needs to respect that. And I'll admit its harder on a potential partner, but that certainly doesn't mean its hopeless.

And maybe it can work with the guy. Does he understand the situation of why you have to stay in the closet? If he didn't have a hard time coming out he might not realize why you can't.

The only thing I would say though is

-If there is talking about gay in public I'm going to say some homophobic things.

this is probably a little much. I get trying to distance yourself as much as you can, but I can see how this would hurt someone you might be dating. I think there are ways to distance yourself without being actively hurtful. (The half chuckle "yeah" is my particular go to if I need to avoid a fight)


But this is probably better served for the support thread then the question thread I think

[Orcus The Vile]

@Luz.

Hey if you were up front and they agreed before you started dating, don't feel guilty they were the one who is wrong here, you didn't ask for any of this.

[Recherché]

Also Luz, it may depend a great deal on where you are. In places where it's not safe to be out there may be a lot more tolerance for dating someone who's still in the closet. I'm willing to guess that most of the respondents to your question are from areas where being out and proud is generally not a problem.

[Lissou]

now I'm wondering if I should not end the relationship because I realized I’m demanding too much of him and not giving anything back in return.

And I’m also not in the position to give anything back in return anytime soon.

Am I being abusive?

Now, now, there is a difference between us saying we probably wouldn't date someone in the closet, and you having to break up with someone who is willing to. He knows the "rules" and it's his decision to make whether he wants to date you or not, I don't think breaking up with him because you think he can't take it is that respectful. I think it's just your low self-esteem talking, and maybe you're even trying to sabotage the relationship because it's easier to break it up than worry about him breaking up later? At any rate, if he's fine with it, he's fine with it. The fact that a lot of us wouldn't be doesn't change how this guy feels.

You can ask him if he's getting what he wants out of the relationship, and if not, what could be done for him to get enough out of it without sacrificing your requirements, but I don't think you should break up with him.

[Luz]

So we had a talk and it's now over.

He told me that he was hoping that as we spend time together I would get more open about my sexuality and in bed, since he saw I wouldn’t he said that hiding my secret was too much to ask.

I think he was just with me since he was new in the city and wanted someone to tour around, now I feel like a fool since I shared my secret with him and now nothing prevents him from just telling everyone or gossiping about.

I’m so stupid, I knew this was a bad idea; he was way out of my league.

Also Luz, it may depend a great deal on where you are. In places where it's not safe to be out there may be a lot more tolerance for dating someone who's still in the closet. I'm willing to guess that most of the respondents to your question are from areas where being out and proud is generally not a problem.

It’s a complicated situation, I live I a place where being gay is fine, most people are against it but they won’t outright say it in your face.

The problem is that the people I know (Co-workers, family and colleagues) are extremely religious and homophobic. To the point where I personally know many people who assaulted gays on the street for the sole reason they were gay or at least looked gay, so it’s not the dieal palce for someone to come out.

I guess I’m just doomed to unhappiness and living an unfurling life.

Question: Is the act of outing someone "for his own good" a thing? I'm really scared that he will do something like that.

[Recherché]

Question: Is the act of outing someone "for his own good" a thing? I'm really scared that he will do something like that.

At least where I live it's an incredibly rare thing that's considered the near the top of horrible things to do to someone. Does it happen? Yes but very very rarely and not by people who are at all considerate.

Also I'm guessing no chance that you could try to move away from the really dangerous people in your life so you could be a little more open? It sounds like where you are could get you badly hurt. You don't have to cut off contacts entirely with your family even, just a bit of space might be enough to keep you safer and still allow communication with your family.

[Luz]

At least where I live it's an incredibly rare thing that's considered the near the top of horrible things to do to someone. Does it happen? Yes but very very rarely and not by people who are at all considerate.

Also I'm guessing no chance that you could try to move away from the really dangerous people in your life so you could be a little more open? It sounds like where you are could get you badly hurt. You don't have to cut off contacts entirely with your family even, just a bit of space might be enough to keep you safer and still allow communication with your family.

I wish I could, but I can't for two reasons:

1-My family is a very "family family" like we do everything together, if I stop spending time with them they will go after me, even if it’s something gradual like I tried to do. They see me as this little innocent boy that needs to be protected, especially now that I’m living in “the big city” if I miss a Sunday family meeting I will be flooded with messages and unsolicited visits in my refuge sanctuary apartment.

2- I can’t leave my mom behind, she is married with a terrible, brutal despicable man that is my father and don’t plan to leave any time soon, she suffers from a severe case of depression, suicidal tendencies and may or may not have schizophrenia (The things she say she sees are all spiritual so no one can outright say that it’s a mental problem). This environment is just as toxic for someone delicate like her as it’s for me, maybe even worse, I at least can pretend I’m one of them, she is constantly mocked and mistreated both by her family and my father’s family.

She is probably the only reason I haven't killed myself yet.

[Lissou]

Question: Is the act of outing someone "for his own good" a thing? I'm really scared that he will do something like that.

I' ve never heard of it. Especially someone who is gay himself. Coming out should be your decision and having it taken away from you would be pretty bad. You're the one who knows if it would be safe, if you're ready and so on. I understand why you're scared, but I can't imagine he would do that.

[Delicious Taffy]

A couple of questions:

Is there somewhere I can go to find out some rough numbers on how common trans people are in the tabletop community? I'd use a search engine, but it seems like too vague a question to get any decent results, and this thread seems to have some decently-informed people in it.

I doubt it's okay on this site, but are there sites I could visit to ask more... explicit questions regarding physical intimacy involving trans people? I don't want to smut up the thread or anything, but I doubt porn is a good place to start looking.

And don't, like, jump me for my ignorance or something and give me some condescending reply like "They do it the same way you do" or whatever. I'm looking for either information or a person who can point me toward information, not "Why don't you already know everything about this"-type dismissal.