Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

[Tvtyrant]

My boyfriend left me over that sort of thing and one other thing.

Don't do that, and you're good.

Seems like a reasonable thing to do, honestly. If you are in different places physically then you aren't going to be fulfilling each others needs.

And honestly the sooner ended the better. Being unfulfilled or feeling pressured is going to introduce bitterness into the relationship.

[lio45]

Second off, I could use a small touch of assistance. It's honestly pretty minor, but still. I've been dating a really cool girl for about a month now, give or take a little. She's funny, she's smart, she's all-around fun to be with. But she hasn't wanted to even kiss yet. Now, I'm a young adult of 20 years, so naturally I'm eager to be intimate in even little ways, but she's had some bad break-ups in the past and so is nervous. I haven't forced the issue or anything (I typically just ask for a goodnight kiss when we're saying goodbye, to which she has so far kept saying no) but it's getting a little frustrating.

Has anyone had a similar situation, or has any advice for what to do?

It's not uncommon to find that your partner wants to wait a bit before getting physical (in fact, it's perfectly natural and rational ancient instinct on the part of the female to want to ascertain that the male partner is a decent and serious one before risking getting pregnant). Just be patient.

However, not even a kiss, even after you've been together for a month? That's a bit extreme.

To what degree did you discuss your exact situation with her? Are you truly a couple? Did she explicitly say "give me a bit more time, I know for sure that eventually I will reach a point in time where I will want to hungrily kiss you"? If so, then yeah, ok, you can likely deal with that and be patient, but given the circumstances I don't think we can be sure it's just a matter of waiting for enough time to have passed.

Are you comfortable discussing various things with her? Consider doing it...

Communication is really important in a relationship. You'd clearly like more physical intimacy, she clearly does not; that kind of "disagreement" when it happens should be discussed and a compromise reached ("compromise" including situations where one party totally concedes that the other has good reasons to want what they want... but at least the discussion is had and both parties know the other's position).

[lio45]

Damn-near-universal relationship advice, FWIW:

Whenever you find yourself saying something that has the following format:

"My significant other is doing X and I find that that's

getting a little frustrating.

"


... then you should, delicately and respectfully, bring the matter up with them.

You'll both be happier in the long run if you follow this very basic principle. Don't keep your frustrations for yourself.

[Sivarias]

While you're not wrong, and the other person doesn't really have the right to expect you to wait, it must be stated as well (I think you were trying to imply it, too) that the person who wishes to have that physical affection has no right to demand it just due to the relationship.

But yes, if the expectations of physical intimacy are mismatched, leaving the relationship until such a time as that physical intimacy is an option may be best. Luckily, it doesn't quite sound like that here. If JNA is comfortable waiting for her to be ready, and the relationship means enough to do so, then wait and be patient.

Thank you for phrasing that more concisely than I was able to.

This particular topic is one of my hot buttons. I get SUPER passionate about it, and unfortunately still have a knee-jerk anger reaction sometimes. I do my best to quell it though, and I'm always worried it seeps through when I'm just trying to give advice.

[Tvtyrant]

While you're not wrong, and the other person doesn't really have the right to expect you to wait, it must be stated as well (I think you were trying to imply it, too) that the person who wishes to have that physical affection has no right to demand it just due to the relationship.

I don't fully understand what you arw saying here. What exactly do you mean by demand?

Because while a relationship doesn't give you a right to pin someone down and violate them, it clearly does give you the right to inform the other person of your needs. "I can't stay in a relationship without sex" is clearly the right of one of the participants, otherwise the relationship is not actually consensual.

[Chen]

Remove the strikethroughed bit, and that's the best advice regarding relationships you'll ever get. Don't lie to somebody to get on their good side (or at all really), there will be repercussions when they find out and you'll end up in a worse place than if you had been honest.

Exceptions are, of course, thing's like saying 'I'm fine' when people ask how you are, those points where there's an accepted response that doesn't actually mean anything. But outside of small talk, if anybody on this thread is even considering lying to somebody because they think they'll get something from it, don't do it.

Generally I agree, particularly for people you're in a relationship with. My comment was more towards the parents/family of your singnificant others. There can definitely be cases where lies (white or otherwise) can be the best course of action. This comes far more from the elderly I'd say (grandparents and such) where you can basically wait out the clock rather than confronting something they wont change. In the case in question, if a parent has it out for you, lying by omission so as not to give them any ammo (real or not) is frankly acceptable IMO.

It's not uncommon to find that your partner wants to wait a bit before getting physical (in fact, it's perfectly natural and rational ancient instinct on the part of the female to want to ascertain that the male partner is a decent and serious one before risking getting pregnant). Just be patient.

However, not even a kiss, even after you've been together for a month? That's a bit extreme.

To what degree did you discuss your exact situation with her? Are you truly a couple? Did she explicitly say "give me a bit more time, I know for sure that eventually I will reach a point in time where I will want to hungrily kiss you"? If so, then yeah, ok, you can likely deal with that and be patient, but given the circumstances I don't think we can be sure it's just a matter of waiting for enough time to have passed.

Are you comfortable discussing various things with her? Consider doing it...

Communication is really important in a relationship. You'd clearly like more physical intimacy, she clearly does not; that kind of "disagreement" when it happens should be discussed and a compromise reached ("compromise" including situations where one party totally concedes that the other has good reasons to want what they want... but at least the discussion is had and both parties know the other's position).

I agree 100% with this. A month is long enough that I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask where things are going and to let your partner know what your needs are.

[Cozzer]

Huh, yeah, I mean, a month doesn't seem that long to me, assuming you're having a date once a week or something and considering you're both around 20... but my previous advice (don't add pressure, enjoy what you have for now, etc) assumes you are confident things are going towards what you want, even if they're taking their time getting there.

If you really suspect there's something else going on (she's not that into you in that way, or not that into physical things in general) then I agree that it's better to talk things out before impatience festers into resentment.

[ve4grm]

I don't fully understand what you arw saying here. What exactly do you mean by demand?

Because while a relationship doesn't give you a right to pin someone down and violate them, it clearly does give you the right to inform the other person of your needs. "I can't stay in a relationship without sex" is clearly the right of one of the participants, otherwise the relationship is not actually consensual.

The first one, though it doesn't have to go as far as pinning them down to be unreasonable. You can request it of them, of course. But you can't demand they acquiesce to your needs at the expense of their own.

[Chen]

The first one, though it doesn't have to go as far as pinning them down to be unreasonable. You can request it of them, of course. But you can't demand they acquiesce to your needs at the expense of their own.

Demand, perhaps not, but it certainly can be discussed. Communication here is important. While I wouldn't go so far as to say "we need to get physical or we're breaking up", the idea is sound. I wouldn't say it in such a way since it would be quite coercive and may drive the person into getting physical just to avoid the breakup even if its not what they want. However, asking about getting physical and when they see a possibility of it is certainly warranted. If the answer isn't to your satisfaction, breaking up can be the correct option.

[AuthorGirl]

Seems like a reasonable thing to do, honestly. If you are in different places physically then you aren't going to be fulfilling each others needs.

And honestly the sooner ended the better. Being unfulfilled or feeling pressured is going to introduce bitterness into the relationship.

I was mostly being facetious, and it's becoming clear that I need to work on making that obvious, haha.

[Tvtyrant]

I was mostly being facetious, and it's becoming clear that I need to work on making that obvious, haha.

Honestly my response was more contrarian then anything. Winter depression is setting in and I am missing obvious context clues.

[AuthorGirl]

Honestly my response was more contrarian then anything. Winter depression is setting in and I am missing obvious context clues.

Aw. You hang in there.

[FinnLassie]

So, I've started to slightly calm down about the situation that's going on with my boyfriend's mother. I think right now I'm mostly feeling... scared? Like, I legitimately fear the situation, when I'm going to step in from the door and be like "yo, you said some pretty nasty **** about me but hey there person who has birthed my boyfriend! oh and crap, we don't share a language." In two weeks. Two. Weeks.

Gotta confront people with love, gotta confront people in a neutral manner, gotta not lose my cool...

[lio45]

If you really suspect there's something else going on (she's not that into you in that way, or not that into physical things in general) then I agree that it's better to talk things out before impatience festers into resentment.

I think there's reason enough to suspect there may be something, based on this evidence:

I typically just ask for a goodnight kiss when we're saying goodbye, to which she has so far kept saying no

I honestly couldn't possibly imagine a gf refusing me a mere goodnight kiss after we've been dating for a whole month. The implied meaning / symbolism of that kind of refusal to anyone, including me, should be totally common knowledge for her, and she wouldn't be doing that without explicitly offering a good reason (in which case there would be no need to "suspect" anything since you'd already know there's something going on and it would be up to you to just accept it or not).

Not saying it's guaranteed that there's an underlying problem, but it's extreme enough to be worth investigating a bit IMO (to make sure it's indeed just a matter of time and that you're both on the same page in the relationship).

[Icewraith]

So, I've started to slightly calm down about the situation that's going on with my boyfriend's mother. I think right now I'm mostly feeling... scared? Like, I legitimately fear the situation, when I'm going to step in from the door and be like "yo, you said some pretty nasty **** about me but hey there person who has birthed my boyfriend! oh and crap, we don't share a language." In two weeks. Two. Weeks.

Gotta confront people with love, gotta confront people in a neutral manner, gotta not lose my cool...

I can guarantee that your brain is capable of coming up with worse scenarios than whatever is actually going to happen. Relax.

[Anonymouswizard]

So, word question. Is or a good sign when your 'partner' says she'll be laughing her are off at her parent's faces when we're introduced?

Managed to introduce her to OotS as well, which she now loves (she even finds the early strips hilarious). We're now comparing favourite characters.

[Crow]

So, word question. Is or a good sign when your 'partner' says she'll be laughing her are off at her parent's faces when we're introduced?

Managed to introduce her to OotS as well, which she now loves (she even finds the early strips hilarious). We're now comparing favourite characters.

Yes. It sounds as if you are something that her parents will react unusually to, and she finds that amusing. She likes that you are the way you are, and the way people important to her will react to it.

Try not to over-analyze this stuff. ;)

Also, @JNA: The best "compromise" for your situation is to find yourself a different significant other. To be having an issue like this in that stage of the relationship... Your frustrations with this person are only going to get worse. "Had some really bad breakups" is the red flag. Those are very rarely one-sided affairs, and if they are still carrying baggage over them, that is a sign of some serious underlying issue. This is clearly their problem, not yours. Find someone whose expectations for the relationship more closely align with your own, and save yourself the stress and frustration you're on a path for now. Hang out with her if you like her for that in itself, but focus your romantic aspirations elsewhere.

[TechnOkami]

I have a question.

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I work at a grocery store. Do I have any means of approaching a girl who shops at my store with her mom?

[Crow]

I have a question.

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I work at a grocery store. Do I have any means of approaching a girl who shops at my store with her mom?

Damn, that's a tough one.

Chat up her mom, and try to engage the daughter in the ensuing conversation. Or vise-versa. I wouldn't try to make pass anytime soon. If they are regular customers, try to build a rapport.

[dehro]

I have a question.

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I work at a grocery store. Do I have any means of approaching a girl who shops at my store with her mom?

depends entirely on the mother in question. if she's even remotely chatty, funny, engaging in any way, just involve her in the conversation, either first or together.
you could just as well make a joke out of it in a "do you mind if I give your daughter my number?" kind of way...
if that's not something you feel comfortable doing, you might just start handing the daughter the bags.. establish a level of physical interaction.. and then slip her the phone number once you're sure you have her attention. (write it on one of the bags?).
either way, before you attempt anything, introduce yourself properly ("I see you guys shop here frequently.. my name is TechnOkami... happy festivities/be sure to ask if I can help you with anything.. and what's your name, pretty girl I wouldn't mind hanging out with?")..
Once proper introductions are out of the way you can proceed tackling the mother.... figuratively.
Tl;Dr: what Crow said, with hints.

[FinnLassie]

I can guarantee that your brain is capable of coming up with worse scenarios than whatever is actually going to happen. Relax.

Probably. But it's not going to make me relax. It's either going to get worse or better during the next week.

[Anonymouswizard]

Yes. It sounds as if you are something that her parents will react unusually to, and she finds that amusing. She likes that you are the way you are, and the way people important to her will react to it.

Try not to over-analyze this stuff. ;)

Well that's good, now I just need to find a way to convince her parent's I'm not there to ask for her dad's permission to marry her (yet).

Plus my new nickname is apparently Redcloak. Sometimes I don't get this crazy, crazy girl.

[Form]

Probably. But it's not going to make me relax. It's either going to get worse or better during the next week.

Let it happen and deal with the fallout if and when it occurs. Try not to burn any bridges. This thread will be here for you for advice and venting should you need it.

[2D8HP]

..Plus my new nickname is apparently Redcloak...

.
Could be worse.

At least it's not "Wrong Eye".

(I totally read that as "Redcoat" not "cloak" the first time, and thought she was referring to your being English, and her not, also congrats on spreading OotS fandom. Will your daughter be named "Haley" and your son "Elan"?)
.

[lio45]

Yeah, that's a good pun (if intended) given that "Redcoat" could well work as nickname for the Englishman in an OotS-free context.

[JNAProductions]

So my girlfriend hasn’t talked to me in over a week now. I’ve texted her and called, but nothing.

[2D8HP]

So my girlfriend hasn’t talked to me in over a week now. I’ve texted her and called, but nothing.

.


Sorry to learn that JNA/RED, that sounds like a "passive break-up".

IIRC you're in your very early 20's, and if your "lady love" is as well, as I recall, young women that age generally don't want to "go steady", usually they just want to "hang out".

Sorry to tell you, but if you want a more long-term-exclusive-romantic-relationship, you're likely to need to wait, or try for an older partner.

[AMFV]

So my girlfriend hasn’t talked to me in over a week now. I’ve texted her and called, but nothing.

Well how long do you guys normally go between conversations. If she's in school she might just be swamped with finals. Or maybe it is a stealth breakup. I mean we'd have to know more to help figure that.

[lunaticfringe]

So my girlfriend hasn’t talked to me in over a week now. I’ve texted her and called, but nothing.

I would guess it's garden variety early twenties emotional weirdness (are you on a school break?), a ghosting, or she is fooling around/interested in another guy/gal.

I agree slightly with 2D8. Most of my College relationships were casual/open and it was the lady's idea. A few were monogamous. It's really hard to tell without an open conversation which some people especially at that age are Horrible at. IMX if you or your partner can't discuss things openly it's best to bow out. Walking on eggshells and weird anxiety/paranoia will eventually kill a relationship.

[lio45]

So my girlfriend hasn’t talked to me in over a week now. I’ve texted her and called, but nothing.

Not too surprising, based on the latest reports you gave us about the state of you two's "relationship". Did you ever get to discuss it with her, in the end...?

Did something trigger that boycott of you, or it was just a drift away that got worse and worse as time passed?

If you want to see the positive side of this, know that there were useful lessons and experience to be gained through this fleeting failed relationship. It's on you to learn them, though.

Also, I can't help but notice you're not really seeking advice here -- your posts are so short and cryptic that you must be well aware they're useless; not much in there to allow fellow Playgrounders to analyze your situation and offer feedback.